jo-tel - THE JO-TEL still does not know how to pronounce Sufjan

"I'll tell you what I told the pteradachtyl when we were free-basing on the stove..."

Holy crap, I'm totally rolling on 'ludes right now. Ya, you guessed it, the methaquaas are back in a big way .... to ME. There's nothing like kicking back after a hard day at the intelligent design museum with some Schedule I (Schedule III in California), CNS-depressing euphoria. Have you ever smoked a joint laced with this shit? Oh man, better than crack. No, seriously. It's like, "what K-Hole?" Sure, T-tops went through his natural high phase. You know, only weed and shrooms and no acid, etc. because they leave a chemical trace and stuff but, please, you must consider my situation: I am a dinosaur. A Triceratops to be precise. I can fucking spear a living thing with either of my eye horns and then sodomize it with my friggin noise. Yet here I am: doomed to watch potential pray pretend that humans used to ride on my back. While I rode on plenty of female top's back, nothing rode on my back (for very long at least). So now I do 'ludes. And, as a result, I'm so chill I just pretend that these museum patrons are just checking out my fenestre-less bony frill, instead of oggling my fake plastic saddle ("green plastic watering can for a la la la la laaaaa...." oh man I'm spaced out). And don't think about getting all intervention-y on me. No, T-Tops has got everything under control. I can quick whenever I want. Anywhen.

Posted by Triceratops with a Saddle 2006-08-30 19:37:10

Don't See Saw III

I never saw Saw. I heard that it was about a serial killer that tormented his victims in creative ways. I liked that movie the first time I saw it when it was called Seven. Apparently I didn't miss much because it was really bad according to absolutely everyone. Everyone except Hip E, of course - who insists that it's "scary" and "good". Hip E then saw Saw II, which he claim was "terrible". A necessary tactic in order to save face. Now we will apparently be treated to Saw III. More sawing. I'm not sure what to say except that these periodic resurgences of Saw certainly make it difficult for Hip E to keep quite about the whole Saw thing in hopes that we'll forget about how he said he liked Saw, which we may now gleefully refer to as Saw I.

Posted by Shark 2006-08-28 18:51:28

Top Five Indie Rock Beards

Son of bitch, the beard speaks for itself. We all know that KFDub has experimental chops ("Track3a(2waynice)" anyone?), but his Rip Van Winkley beardsmanship is often sadly underrated. Sleep on, you beardy diamond!

4. Shark

"The handlebar mustache is pretty much the best thing I ever did."

Fresh off of firing his bass player (Johnny D), Shark of 18 Fructidor fame is poised to break with his inspired foray into Greek tragedy, Seven Against Thebes. For Shark, who will begin recording Seven Against Thebes in a dank room down by where the garbage is kept at his apartment, the beard represents a break from the clean-cut requirement of the legal profession and a symbolic representation of his determined trip down the rabbit hole of artistic exploration.

3. Devandra Banhart

Apparently, an imposter freak-folk groupie once tried to shack up with Devandra Banhart to prove that the acoustic bard's beard was fake. When Banheart became privy to said imposter's schemes, he promptly kicked her out of his bed, adding, "It's real, and it's fantastic."

2. Sam Beam

Playing southern-tinged guitar ballads under the moniker Iron and Wine, Sam Beam boasts a mighty beard. Mr. Beam's bee-hived shaped facial-hair helps to accentuate the sense of alienation in his songs as it, like no other beard before it, successfully destroys all attraction that indie chicks would otherwise have had for this troubled-sounding troubadour.

1. Will Oldham

Holy shit what a beard. I'd even go so far as to say that the ex-Palace Music, now Bonnie "Price" Billy-pseudonym wiedling songwriter's beard is better than his music. I mean, that first song on I See a Darkness is nice and all but ... look at this fastidious attention to detail in the beard: the scraggly hairs, the full-grown mustache, the scrupulously untrimmed flaver-saver --- breathtaking!

Posted by Shark 2006-08-27 20:31:22

Fuck Optimus Prime: He is a Cheeky Fuckign Poo Grain Pee Head

Optimus, you are a fucking pee-brained poo hole. You gave Rodimus Fucking Prime the fucking matrix and he just plain fucked up. Fuck you for that Mr. Prime. He fucked up. All the power went to hot rod's fucking head and he fucking fucked up. Come on what were you thinking? You saw him, in your tender last moments, transmogrifying into a cozy family-oriented hatch back. Did that really fool you? Do you think he actually gave up his debaucherous ways? I think not!!! Now he is on Cybertron, probably making sweet robot love with Unicron as we speak, negotiating the rights of the autobots into slavery. Optimus, I was your lover! Your sweet, adorable titanium mistress! Can you imagine me the love slave of a cruel Decepticon lord? That is my fate. If I don't end it now, my sweet metal lover, I will be defiling your legacy as a benevolent ruler both of your people and in bed. Fuck you Optimus, I hate you. Fuck your naivete for trusting that hot-headed pee pee head Hot Rod with the future of the Autobots. I hope you rot in hell and suffer.

Posted by [Johnny D] 2006-08-25 15:11:25

Moment

In the backyard of a tract house in Antioch California, I ambled over to the wooden playset and under the slide platform there was a sandbox overgrown with weeds that reminded me of the rusty park down the street from grandpa's house in dying Rome, New York and of my aunt's backyard, little overgrown corner gardens, dinner on plastic plates, staying up late, the little creek behind my grandma's house, oh holy crap.

Posted by Shark 2006-08-25 15:11:25

Optimus Prime's Kickball Stats After 4 Games

Posted by Hip E. 2006-08-25 08:20:47

Headlights

Google how do I love thee:

headlights

Several items of note:

1. The number of pictures of people "caught in headlights"

2. I'm in a band called Headlights, or at least my wig wearing alter ego is.

3. Dude with headlights for boobs.

ok, really not that cool. I'm sorry I wasted your time.

Posted by Johnny D 2006-08-22 20:36:23

You Are Not the Father

Posted by Shark 2006-08-22 20:36:23

Jo-tel Naked Camping Trip

Our getting naked in public credentials being stretched dangerously thin, Jo-tel quorum was attained on the shores of the Yuba rivers for the purpose of making them current. The credentials, that is. Props to Jouseguest Kristin for showing us the way, persevering when that wasn't actually the way and none of the locals knew the way either because we were 40 miles out of the way, and finally delivering us to the promised land. And we can't forget relatively new Jouseguest Jo-nelle, neither, who gracefully absorbed an enormous amount of information about the Jo-tel and its denizens without fleeing in Shark's car the first time our backs were turned. Well, maybe enormous is the wrong word. The Yuba is an icy mountain stream, after all. In the end, Shark, Reid and I were able to prove once and for all that nudity is not always erotic; and the ladies proved that if there is 20-something girl getting naked on a rock, a large group of Indian dudes will sit down on a beach 50 ft. away and have a long lunch.

Posted by Hip E. 2006-08-22 13:11:46

Wikipedia Link of the Week

The wikipedia is a pretty fascinating entity and has been the source of a fair amount of controversy of late. It also hosts a pretty vast amount of trivia. So, dear Jo-tel readers, I will search the annals of this vast repository of knowledge for the most obscure of trivias and deliver them to you. Why? Because I feel like it.

Posted by Johnny D's cold dead hands 2006-08-20 (just four days after our last one.)

The Linguistic Deconstruction Post, Or: All Our Bases Belong to Phlegm

Warning: Brewer, this post is about words, not about poo jokes or Brittany Murphy. You want to wait until the next PETE post. Should be sometime before next year. [NOTE: I wrote this before PETE wrote his wonderful new Costco Post.]

Indie “Rock” Crit “News Speak”

At their inception, indie “rock” blogs (Pitchfork) forged their own linguistic style, not to mention championing some great music. Of late, however, said blogs have become slaves to their own invented style: namely, that verbose, obscure-reference adjectiving, readability-flouting, heavily hyphenated, metaphorical style …. Something not terribly unlike that last sentence. Here’s an illustration of this writing style using a commentary on Casiotone for Painfully Alone’s “New Year’s Day” (from their new Etiquette) and how it sounds like The Walkmen’s “Thinking of a Dream I Had”. Here’s how Pitchfork would describe it:

This is basically the sound of a rich dork, but one that is confident and paid a per-review stipend because his blog gets ads from American Apparel and emusic (why link to emusic when emusic does not carry the album, Pitchfork?). Now: run this same idea by an insecure, nerdy Canadian who has just graduated from college and lives with his parents and you get the Cokemachineglow style:

I read Cokemachineglow. I do. But often more out of snide curiosity than earnest interest. Remember when writer Greenwald sacked all output for a week … that was awesome. And then: so finally, there’s the attempted common sense insight, often champion by blogs like Drowned in Sound and Tiny Mix Tapes that are late to the party on certain bands:

Marc Franz v. Marc Franz

Names in other languages are funny. The Judeo-Christian tradition dictates that Mark is Mark and Marc is short for Marcus. But in German, Marc is Marc and there is no Mark. The end.

There’s Something To Live For … Jesus Told Me So!

Newsflash kids: there’s no reason to pepper your sentences with ‘like’ when you speak. It’s starting to get goddamn annoying.

Here’s a tip. STOP SAYING LIKE. Just stop. PETE and Hip, I’m looking squarely in your direction. Here’s another tip. Try saying “um” instead of ‘like’. It’s still annoying, but not as. Then once you’ve mastered this, say “eh-hem” (like you’re clearing your throat) instead of “um”. Then stop saying “eh-hem” et viola, you’re cured. Now I can listen you to without getting pissed off and wanting to write a boring post.

And stop saying “Me and _________” when you two are the subject of the sentence. Thanx.

Posted by Shark 2006-08-16 21:42:38

"Yo, Semite!" - The Jo-tel Invades Camp T.

This trip happened in May or so, I actually have no idea. And it took me until Sunday to wrench the pictures out of Johnny D.'s cold, dead hands, even though he is now allowed to post on the blog. Imagine a world without Johnny D. Who would fuck up? Sadly, we don't have to imagine such a world. My bed time was 25 minutes ago, and the scotch and ginger ale are whispering in my ears. I give you Yosemite '06:

We had a tough time finding this place. Our boy Snake is a counselor at a quasi-religious summer camp somewhere in the Sierra Nevada. Roads were closed, beers were dranken, and we didn't find the driveway until about 12:30am. We knew it was the right place because Snake's car was parked in front of the gate, and he was passed out in the front seat. We scared the shit out of him when we knocked on his window. To his credit he rallied quickly and drove us down to his cabin. A night of blaring music, bones, and the smoke rings of about 400 hand-rolled cigarettes promptly ensued.

We went through nearly an entire pack of American Spirit rolling tobacco on this trip, which gave me a sore throat. Here you can see me inventing the crunketyest new way to smoke <<tobacco>> -- out of a red vine! I predict that within two years all major rap stars will be doing this in their videos. I also predict soccer jerseys getting big in hip hop, along with captains' armbands. Now if I could only rap.

We went to bed at sunrise by a river. That PETE escaped chiefing that night is a testament to how drunk everyone else was:

The next day we went to Hetch Hetchy. I had never been there. It was really cool. Good hiking trail. Nice lookin' reservoir. It's now 10:15. I mean right now in August. I'm so tired.

We ate lunch down by the water. Keep in mind, this is the reservoir that provides the drinking water for all of San Francisco. Also remember, it was a really hot day. Reid is a world-class swimmer.

That night, we went to a local bar and engaged in one of the all-time stupidest arguments in Jo-tel history. Hot Buttered Rum String Band wasn't nearly as good as I thought they would be. Come to think of it, we never actually went to Yosemite on that trip.

Posted by Hip E. 2006-08-15 22:21:20

Costco is Amazing

No celebrity sighings in this installment of PETE's once a month check in (though I did almost run into the Evil Queen and her entourage).

However, I did go to Costco yesterday. I haven't been to Costco in a while so it's always a treat. Oh the things you can buy in bulk.

Von Dutch. How far you've fallen.

From $50 trucker hats at Lombardi sports (where my hate affair with you first started) to your own flagship store on Melrose (right across the street from the Sketchers flagship, officially making that block of Melrose the worst block in America... in history) to selling men's jeans for $24.99 at Costco. Oh man... I need a cigarette.

Also, it didn't look like they were exactly flying off the shelves. I bet Kirkland brand denim sells better.

Home pregnancy

tests. Costco has them in 3-packs. That's hilarious. According to a source who has a uterus, you're supposed to test twice just to make sure, but even she was at a loss about the third one. It's like one of those 10 hot dog, 8 buns things. But if you but two 3-packs, you and two of your slut, jezebel friends can find out whether or not they'll be taking another trip to the abortion clinic together... together.

(PS: the 50 packs of wire hangers are in aisle 24, next to the beef jerky.)

Speaking of things that should have been aborted: that last joke.

Tampons en masse

Interestingly enough, the home pregnancy tests were right near the giant, 100-count boxes of tampons. It's like, you only need one or the other. Plus I think tampons are just one of those things you shouldn't buy in bulk. Women's needs products should come in small, dainty boxes with at most, a single month's supply. I mean, I didn't see the half-racks of Monistat 1 anywhere, or the douche snak-pak, but maybe I wasn't looking hard enough.

Also, I swear this is not a lie. Jonah and I were standing right by the tampons when some guy, probably over 50, came up, grabbed a box, threw it in his otherwise completely empty cart, and sped off. Man, that is a good husband/father/sick mother fucker.

Mach 3 blades

Thirty dollars for an 18-pack? That's still ridiculous. Fuck you Gilette. You'd think the Fusion would have driven Mach 3 prices down slightly but no such luck. All that happened was the added psychological benefit of seeing the Mach 3 blades next to the Fusion blades and being glad you're not on of the poor suckers who has to spend $15 for a 4-pack.

Posted by PETE 2006-08-15 12:48:12

The Crazy Boss Skit

Thanks to this guy's top ten list for reminding me of this classic skit. Ferrell is a genius.

Posted by Shark 2006-08-12 12:19:15

Moment

In the shower this morning I experienced a nice little moment of involuntary memory. Trying to drag the instance of Proustian association out of the morning-eyed transcendence of its inception and into the rigid Microsoft Note-Pad coldness of my work day (now at its end) is not unlike trying to reconjure the details of a dream over breakfast. It's definitely difficult and a little bit embarrassing. I couldn't tell you exactly why. The moment itself was quite simple: the morning light coming in through the bathroom window made me vividly remember the morning light from the same sun entering the window abutting the grimy open shower of my college fraternity (affectionately referred to as "The Sigma Chi Shawshank Redemption Showers" ... the showers, not the frat). I recalled the nice view from the window, through which, when open, a showering frat boy could view Campanielle tower and some green bushes in the fore-ground (almost like the viewer watching young, deep-focused Charlie Kane through the window playing with "Rosebud" while his mother signed him away to Thatcher). Then came some old emotions: I remembered the feeling of waking up at 10:00 on a Saturday in college with the world of sunny day possibilities awaiting. Beer on the green grass of Faculty Glade, beer in the Raleigh's garden, beer on our porch while heckling girls. Beer. ..... I returned to the morning shower, preparing for work. Nothing today seems to me as bright as that memory of college. Nothing will probably ever. That's because I've stripped this memory (and many others) of all negative traces. I probably had a paper to write that day or something, just like I had to file a motion today. But memories are the angels of thought, to use Rilke's terminology: resembling "mirrors, which scoop up the beauty that has streamed from their face/ and gather it back, in themselves, entire." (Duino Elegies, II). Rilke feared the ease at which these powerful emotions of nostalgia and remembrance could grab him and hold him away from his daily chores. I remember one time when I was walking to work over the dirty Concord run-off river when I was "forced" to stop on the bridge and look at the water push through the reeds becuase it reminded me of the creek behind my grandmother's house in upstate New York that my cousin's and I would always make it a point of attempting to damn back in those young days before we discovered alcohol or masturbation. But contrary to Rilke, every angel is not terrible. As CocoRosie notes, "if every angel's terrible, then why do you welcome them." Indeed, this evening I am staying late at the office so I decided to grab a Jamba-Juice for dinner. After I drove back to the office, sugary Jamba in hand, I was forced to sit and wait in my car until "Trees in the City" by Clearlake had ended because the song had completely floored me. It reminded me of when I was so damn young, working my first college summer as a file clerk at a lawfirm, when I would would use my full-hour lunch without compunction to read whatever book I was reading. I remember reading For Whom the Bell Tolls that summer. Its pretty cover still feels like it belongs under the well-kept city fern tree in downtown LA's Seventh Street Plaza. If you turn away long enough, such seas of memories will toss you warmly for hours .... 2000 was a warm summer, I remember. And the Lakers won another championship. I stayed just long enough at my job to be in downtown for the parade. And I remember hearing Chick Hearn's voice echo through the streets to meet me, book in hand, under a tree in Seventh Street Plaza with For Whom the Bells Tolls and a sandwich, nicely packaged by my mom the night before.

Posted by Shark 2006-08-11 19:35:22

Sad iTunes Track-Sequencing Update

You thought that I was just a nerd-faced winer when it came to that iTunes track sequencing rant. You. With your: look at me, my car is registered with the DMV and in its trunk I keep an umbrella that I use to shield myself from the rain on rainy days! Well, while you may be a more productive member of society, I certainly was right about the iTunes thing, as illustrated by Pitchfork's review of Excepter's new Alternation. Towards the end of the review, scrambled PFM writer Brian Howe notes, "'Ice Cream Van' builds a sort of monstrous synth-pop from twiddly snake-charming electro and rigid percussion, with vocals about the existential plight of an ice cream man in the winter that incomprehensibly segue into 'Do Your Ears Hang Low?'." Interesting observation except that "Ice Cream Man" isn't followed by "Do Your Ears Hang Low?". As a quick glance at the tracklisting will show you, "Ice Cream Man" is followed, obviously, by "Lypscnm E6! X"!

This is a big problem. Taste-makers are getting the wrong taste. And Steve Jobs is too busy burning Ben Franklin cigars along side his dollar-sign-shaped pool to care.

Posted by Shark 2006-08-09 09:18:40

A Humble Request as I Descend into Yuppyhood

As I walked home from the gym today, I passed one of our neighborhood's "higher than Hip E's brows reading Blood Meridian" restaurants, La Petite Robert. Something that caught my eye, as I watched the diners outside, is that the fair was incredibly simple for such an expensive restaurant. One patron was eating mac & cheese, and another couple was enjoying tomato soup.

I've noticed, since I've started eating at a few of the nicer restaurants in San Francisco, that it seems somewhat trendy to have very simple, "homey" recipes on the menu. In fact, places here in the city such as Firefly and Chow have developed pretty strong reputations serving such comfort foods as mac & cheese, pork chops, and spaghetti and meatballs. The stuff I remember my mom serving me as a kid.

These places often feature a homey atmosphere whether it is bustling and loud, or quiet and intimate. The decor usually doesn't veer too far from mom's home had she access to pottery barn. Some places have gone so far as to do away with the one party per table rule and seat everybody at long communal tables.

So what is the next generation of gourmet diners going to eat? Will comfort food restaurants have TiVos and couches instead of tables and candles? Perhaps this generation of kids who grew up on Pokemon and playing Xbox will pine to be served lasagna out of an aluminum baking pan, or maybe the cutting edge chef's will put their energy into perfecting a seasoning blend that resembles the subtle flavors evoked by freezer-burned broccoli from Trader Joes. Whatever the future in fine dining may hold, I have one humble request: the fucking soft house music that these restaurants insist on playing has to go so I can eat my braised pork chop with ginger peach remoulade (just like mom made it) in peace. That shit really gets on my nerves.

Posted by John E. D. Sometime when he should have been working on his demo reel

A List: Kickball Team Nicknames

Because Shark tends to take himself extremely seriously, I'm going to post the full roster of kickball nicknames from my WAKA kickball team, Vote 4 Pedro. We have taken 2nd place in the CA Golden Gate Division two seasons in a row.

Nickname                                             Real Name
Kickball Julie ("KBJ")                         Julie
Left Nut                                                 Nicole
The Kid                                                 Rob
Hannahbelle Lector                             Hannah
Cobra Kai                                              Ryan
1950                                                       Rebecca
Walter AKA Diesel                            Tom
Big Mak                                                Megan
Splenda                                                 Sabrina
Ravishing Bret Manley                      Bret Manley
TopShelf                                               Josh
Salty                                                      David Morton
Powder                                                  Tasvir
Crazy Legs                                           Marc
Optimus Prime                                     Hip E.
D-Town                                                Dustin
Big Al                                                   Allison
Sem-X                                                   Tommy Semereaux
Webley                                                Kristin
Backstage                                            Bjorn
Son of God                                           Mo
McTease                                              Mike T.
CT da Hustla                                       Chad
Jambaaaaar                                          Cassandra
Barry Balls                                           Ryan

Posted by Hip E. 2006-08-02 10:26:57

*Update* Here is a link to the video of the nightly news story featuring our captain, Barry Balls.

Shout Out to Carrie 2.0 and Tippy (Tip E.?)

At the reception, we found out that Pliska's sister Carrie 2.0 and her friend Tippy (sorry if I'm butchering your name) are loyal Jo-tel readers. I immediately chastized them for not posting comments. They pointed out that we usually ridicule Jo-tel commenters mercilessly. Anyway guys, glad to meet some of the fans, and we look forward to seeing your contributions in the comments section. Particularly anything dumb or funny that Pliska or Walloch have done.

Posted by Hip E. 2006-08-01 21:35:05

Pliska Wedding Recap Teaser

The wedding recap will commence soon. There are pictures coming in from all angles. I think Johnny D. might have given Pliska a copy of the Bachelor Party pictures CD. There is even a Zapruder-level video of the best man speech. But for now, you'll have to live with this:

Posted by Hip E. 2006-08-01 15:13:37

Comments:

Stickler - Some people believe this urban legend about a mystical being who controls the world and who is so powerful that he can create a rock that is so big that even he cannot lift it, while at the same time being able to lift any rock, no matter how big it is. Anyway, they believe that if you piss this guy off by not following any of his silly rules - which he doesn't actually tell you but that you're supposed to dig out from an old manual written by tens if not hundreds of nameless, unaccountable dead guys - if you do anything he doesn't like then he'll torture you forever in a really horrible Abu Ghraib torture chamber pit called Hell. Talk about extraordinary rendition! It's no wonder that when some people decide ("realize") that he wants them to kill themselves and some Jews or Americans, they'll stop at nothing to please their imaginary friend. Yes, this mythical giant is basically the biggest bully ever conceived by man, using threats of horrific violence to control our behavior. But it's all OK, because oftentimes people respond to these threats by feeding the poor and running soup kitchens. The ends justify the means. So anyway, your mom probably means that she really wants you to get a nice haircut.

My mother sent me an e-mail along the same lines. But she ended it with rot in hell you worthless child. What does that mean?

RECENT EMAIL:

Pleas-s-s-s-s-s-s-e get your hair cut. You look so handsome when your hair is not hanging in strings in your face. You are smart, tall, good looking, well educated, interesting, and very kind. Please complete the picture by having your looks be more sophisticated to match your personality. I am not suggesting you look pristine. But, all of us who love you the most want you to take advantage of your good looks by practicing good grooming. Good grooming means having your hair look attractive.

Hair does grow back, son. You are not doing anything irrevocable when you trim your hair. Try changing it up and go for a little different look. You may actually like it better. As I mentioned to you this past weekend, you DON'T have to give yourself a buzz to go a little shorter. Leave most of the length and give yourself some layers. Not only will it look better, your hair will look thicker because there will be less weight pulling it down and flat. Your father and I will MOST GLADLY reimburse you for a real haircut......a haircut which enhances your handsome facial features......NOT 1/4" taken off the ends of your hair. I will give you $40 as that's what I pay. Anything more than that is a total rip off for the amount of hair that you need trimmed.

If you get your hair cut in a way that becomes you more, I won't feel like I've accomplished anything or won or brow beat you into doing it. I will be happy for you. Trust me, it will be a whole lot easier to manage too. I promise from the bottom of my heart that I will not do a "I told you so" if you like the transformation.

Please, just try it. Please.

Love, Your Mother

Linda, "Left rear blinker" is actually drunken Johnny D. I had to repost his comment because his originally lengthy stream of exclamation points was setting off the whole blog page's type face.

"Fuck those guys, Linda. Fuck them."

Shark, did you run this instruction past Hip E ?

Well, that comment was certainly better than the headlights post. Hmmmmmm.

Oh My God!! Milk From Nose? You just made my week...nay: YEAR.

very very "quite" what??? What kind of suspense is that milk nose? How was the rest of the ride

How could anyone still be pissed if the guy said something like that to them? I'd love it. What a good story. That particular Fat-ass is my hero today

Thanks for the dough mail out Hip

On the way to work in the gym's shuttle to downtown, I witnessed an act so hilarious that it instantly would have forced milk to spew out of my nose...that is if I had been drinking it.

Imagine a Chris Farely type getting ready to sit down in a moving shuttle van....but in the midst of turning around to put his bum on the seat, the van takes a sharp right hand turn. Now imagine that same robust beefy man losing his balance (keep in mind he's about 50 and wearing a houndstooth jacket and khaki pants with a white shirt) and falling across the laps of three women, one of which holding a steaming cup of coffee. Seconds later as fatty mc fat fat tumbles from their laps onto the floor, all the women stand up shreiking as hot coffee has not only burned their skin, but ruined their work clothes.

The best part is yet to come. The big man in his sports jacket manages to push his lumpy body off the van's floor, turns to the women, and says, "What type of lap dance did you expect to get for no money?"

WOW....I was completely and utterly shocked. Needless to say, they got off the shuttle immediately, each with a serious hairy eyeball turned at the fat ass who ruined their morning.

Let's just say, the rest of the shuttle ride was very very quite.

Pliska - HipE's post is far better than your wedding or honeymoon post.

BW - I wrote a check and filled out an envelope, then I waved the envelope in everyone's face before I went to bed at 9:30. I will check on that envelope when I get home today. Right before I go see SNAKES ON A PLANE!

I think the wedding post is going by the same way as Thrill's thoughts on New Orleans. They are coming....

"What the fuck is the INTERNET?!" - Adam

oh yeah and great new pics of a wasted Bain....followed by a miserably hungover Bain to be emailed soon!

I think the split is even. Though most ladies have affiliation to other boaters in some realm. I dont know about ya southerners, but I am the only girl representing the North but I am way slutty and Baldwin never cares if I hook up in front of him.

POLAND I NEED EVERYONES $$40 PRONTO!!!!!

what is the girl to guy ratio at Shasta? Let's not make it a sausage fest.

hello! what the fuck is kickball?

Yes. (Britt, don't worry - if there are too many people they can sleep on my lap). Shasta is going to be awesome this year. HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT!?!?!?!

So i was tlaking to a friend of mine who has a place in shasta, Can I come with this year?

Yes, it is very sad that I'm posting this, but I must.

Kelly Osbourne's new song, "One Word" is quite ear catching......Hip E and Mark beware of this blasting from my room for the next week. I'm going to put the song on repeat and dance around in my underoos until I can no longer take the brilliance of the catchy dancy beats. Oh yes, Kelly Osbourne, I thought I would never say this, but you actually made some music that I like. Sure, call me lame, call me pathetic, call me what you will, but if you don't check out this song I would call you left out.

http://music.aol.com/artist/kelly-osbourne/532721/main

Britt - OK, how much do we owe ye? We'll try to get this taken care of this week. Awesome pre-Shasta warm-up camping trip this weekend. More to follow.

oh and Reid...count this as the email.

....i'll be doing body painting

BRITT- can you throw me onto the Shasta email list? Gracias!

Two rules:

A) If it's funny, you have to do it.

B) Whatever state has the most representatives gets to decide whether there will be nudity.

B) i) Unless they don't want there to be nudity.

Without rules, Brittan E., there is CHAOS!

oh and PETE, Matthew totally buys the Mach 3 pack at Costco at least bi-yearly...and the pregnancy tests he buys at least twice a month. He just splits them between his ho's. He's a oversexed but clean shaven whore that Baldwin.

um for some reason my unfinished comment spontaneously sent itself....ANYWAY...what I was going to say was that until I read Thrills comment I hadnt even noticed Sharks presence in the naked diving photo. I just thought it was where the rocks got extra sexy but JESUS guys that shit will not fly at Shasta.

That is officially the gayest photo I've ever seen on this blog. Reid and...Shark?...both naked, lying in the sun on a boulder, and Shark gazing at Reid's ass and junk while he dives into the reservoir. Remind me to never again drink tap water.

sneak preview of the new Sony Bravia ad:

exploding paint on a huge apartment building in Scotland

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oQA1rgnYDU

Can somebody update the bands list? Jesus.

Hip E., get the photos from me tonight...I'll be home from work around 645.

"I'm this close to raping you!!!!"

I reclaim my namesake at last!

Reid - you heard the man - I think I found your deew pipe.

I guess my legs ARE very well developed, now that you mention it. Wedding picture post will occur this weekend, or my name is not Doug Terwilliger, Private Aye!

Hip E....be carfeul if you wander into Johnny D's room without notice

.....remeber the incident with Lady A and the peanut butter and the hola hoop?

While you're at it, sweet Hip, grab the deew pipe and the rest of your stuff from the kitchen table.

Dear Sir,

The mistake of which you complain is entirely the fault of your laziness. Them pictures are in the CD jewel case on my desk where they have been since sunday evening. Don't just assume that the pictures are still in my computer, where you left them. As they were removed so that I could watch The Matador.

Furthermore, I was around all night for the past two nights. All you had to do, if you were interested in retrieving your pictures, is use those two highly evolved legs of yours, descend the stairs of you apartment, and knock on my door. In fact, this plan of action is still effective. I suggest you adopt this strategy now and in the future. If I'm not around push the door into my room and look on my desk.

-Johnny D.

I made the mistake of putting the wedding pictures CD in Johnny D.'s computer, the same place that the Bachelor Partry pics languish, along with the long-lost Yosemite pics from before the summer even started. Johnny D., please give me them pictures.

Reid did you go to Mcsorlys and get 30 rounds of beer?

currently in a new yotk state of muff take that for what you will

where are the wedding posts?

Archive me...it's already August 7th!

Everybody see Little Miss Sunshine.

Hip E., I think Shark's nickname would have to be Captain Ahab, if only to represent his Obtuse past.

Star Scream could be your nickname Shark, if you were man enough to play.

But Reid, don't you want an AWESOME kick-ball nickname, like Star Scream or R-Dilly-yo. But Hip E's right: kick ball is great .... just ask Taz ........................................

spoken like a true yuppie.

forgot to tell you, Abercrombie is having a sale.....time to go stock up on ironic phrases on t-shirts

K. - Good work on trying to start a team. Sometimes you have to just stick to it and get pushy and make it happen. It is worth it. Playing kickball is really fun. It's always easy to hate on people who are having fun, but it's pretty much always better to actually have fun, Gabe. Use your bodies while they still can move around and bend in the correct places. Sports are fun. Drinking is fun. Therefore, kickball is fun. Stick with it K, the Portland league is relatively young, and they probably need your fire more than you need their organization.

Hip E,

I honestly tried to start a Kickball team last year. I had a full team ready to go with enough for subs and everything, but the damn drunks that coordinated the kickball league here in Portland never called me back. I guess their story on channel 2 about how they just drink PBR and play a gradeschool game really spoke to the public.

THE JO-TEL still does not know how to pronounce Sufjan

To Avoid the Risk of Another Bad Headlights Post By Actually Posting any Words...

Posted by Johnny D with a Saddle 2006-08-30 19:37:10

I Am Floating Now

Posted by Triceratops with a Saddle 2006-08-30 19:37:10

Don't See Saw III

Posted by Shark 2006-08-28 18:51:28

Top Five Indie Rock Beards

Posted by Shark 2006-08-27 20:31:22

Fuck Optimus Prime: He is a Cheeky Fuckign Poo Grain Pee Head

Posted by [Johnny D] 2006-08-25 15:11:25

Moment

Posted by Shark 2006-08-25 15:11:25

Optimus Prime's Kickball Stats After 4 Games

Posted by Hip E. 2006-08-25 08:20:47

Headlights

Posted by Johnny D 2006-08-22 20:36:23

You Are Not the Father

Posted by Shark 2006-08-22 20:36:23

Jo-tel Naked Camping Trip

Posted by Hip E. 2006-08-22 13:11:46

Wikipedia Link of the Week

Posted by Johnny D's cold dead hands 2006-08-20 (just four days after our last one.)

The Linguistic Deconstruction Post, Or: All Our Bases Belong to Phlegm

Posted by Shark 2006-08-16 21:42:38

"Yo, Semite!" - The Jo-tel Invades Camp T.

Posted by Hip E. 2006-08-15 22:21:20

Costco is Amazing

Posted by PETE 2006-08-15 12:48:12

The Crazy Boss Skit

Posted by Shark 2006-08-12 12:19:15

Moment

Posted by Shark 2006-08-11 19:35:22

Sad iTunes Track-Sequencing Update

Posted by Shark 2006-08-09 09:18:40

A Humble Request as I Descend into Yuppyhood

Posted by John E. D. Sometime when he should have been working on his demo reel

A List: Kickball Team Nicknames

Posted by Hip E. 2006-08-02 10:26:57

Shout Out to Carrie 2.0 and Tippy (Tip E.?)

Posted by Hip E. 2006-08-01 21:35:05

Pliska Wedding Recap Teaser

Posted by Hip E. 2006-08-01 15:13:37

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