"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of  petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."

                                          - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint

 



  
                                Some Time This Century

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CURRENTLY READING:

Hip E.
 -
Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman
(1759-67)
 - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)

Shark
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1840 - 1875. 

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PETE
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Hip E.
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(1977)
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Society
(1968)
 - Silver Apples, Contact (1969)

PETE
 
- Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)

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Just Love it
(1980)
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2, & 3
(1999)

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THE JO-TEL... sings The Who Sell Out

Show Menu

Before the Ferris Wheel Slips into the Sound

The seagulls, flying away from the night, seek the shelter of the sky.  They came, they squawked, they shat on the promenade paver.  I sat the left.  The public green, the departing day, the dusk in my pocket filled with sand. 

The ferris wheel is on fire.  When I reach into my bag, my papers are all a nightmare of ashes.  The shrivner's refusal: "I'd rather not."  In the face of this war, ideas must be shoved into the ground.  The sound, its front on fire, slowly shakes out its life.  I run to the handrail.  The ferris wheel begins to tip over.  A searing morass of churning plastic, rods, bolts, colors, red, orange, yellow, my eyes to the fire, the sun to the sound, waves of fire at the touch of sky, you don't even care, but "I must save the world," I say as I hop the rail into the flames, "don't forget," as the ferris wheel slips in the sound, "to watch the ground where I've left this idea."

Posted by Shark 4/30/05 11:54

Gah!

Phat Phree Submission Notice for PETE

Your article submission Bin Laden Voted 3rd Most Evil Yanks Fan was received has been rejected. Don't take it personally. We all push out a turd from time to time. Please check the comments, as we may just want you to polish it up and resubmit.

Editor Comments: 9/11 jokes are never going to go anywhere... No one will think this is funny and more likely they will just hate you and us.

We really appreciate your input and hope you are having fun with it.

Hang Chicken,
The Phat Phree Editorial Staff

Don't take it personally man, but your article is a piece of shit and no one will think it's funny and if we publish it they'll hate you! No wonder the Jo-Tel got so many angry emails today. And what's that about 9/11 "never" being funny? What? World tragedy can't be funny? I guess they've never heard of a little something called "The Holocaust?" Talk about out of touch! Sheesh!

Posted by PETE 4/29/05 7:18pm

Almost there!

A Marriage Is For Fags t-shirt to the person who posts our 100th comment for the month. No counting!!

Posted by PETE 4/28/05 9:00pm

Osama Overload!!!

So I wrote two articles regarding Osama Bin Laden for The Phat Phree (I'm still trying to think of a derogatory nickname for my second home site but it's proving more difficult that I thought. Thrill? Anything?), one which I haven't submitted, one which I have but haven't heard back about which is pissing me off because obviously I have a huge ego and think I'm really funny and all that, plus I actually spent a lot of time doing research on the Yankees and I even relearned photoshop to make the pictures for it so, well anyhow on the assumption that they won't print it I'm going to publish it here along with the other one which I'll submit once the first one gets formally rejected. You guys tell me which you think is funnier.

1)

Osama Bin Laden Voted 3rd Most Evil Yankees Fan For 2005


GO YANKS!! NUMBER 1!!! WOOOOOsama Bin Laden, the leader of Al-Qaeda and the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks slipped down to third on the annual list of "World's Most Evil Yankees Fans." This is Bin Laden's fifth straight year on the list, breaking the record of four previously held by serial killer, John Wayne Gacy.

It is not known exactly why or how Bin Laden began his love affair with the Bronx Bombers, but there is no doubt that he is a die-hard fan. In a video released in early 2003 he admitted candidly that the reason for the attacks on New York City and Washington, DC was a questionable call by plate umpire Rick Reed who, in a 1997 game against the Detroit Tigers, called a strike on a check swing by Jeter to end the 9th inning with a runner stranded on third. The Tigers ended up winning the game in the 12th, costing Bin Laden a $500 bet he had made with one of his lieutenants.

When Bin Laden was informed that he had made the list yet again this year he released a new video tape to Al Jazeera. In it, Bin Laden foregoes his normal attire and instead appears dressed from head to toe in Yankee pinstripes. He wears the number 23 jersey of Umpire Rick Reed - 9/11 all hi faultDon Mattingly, his all-time favorite Yankee according to those close to him. Nevertheless, he apologizes to his fellow Yankees fans for not having a more up-to-date jersey, explaining that it's hard for him to keep up since he really has been living in a cave for 10 years. On the tape Bin Laden predicts that Allah will reach down with a fiery hand to smash the Great Aggressor, the United States. He also predicts Yankees over Cardinals in 5 in this year's World Series. After he's done predicting things he says some bad stuff about Jews, calls David Ortiz a "pussy" and makes fun of "Fever Pitch."

Bin Laden then stands up and pulls down his pants, revealing a tattoo of Mariano Rivera on his right butt cheek

The other 4 bastardsBin Laden, who ranked first on the list in '02 and again in '04 was bumped out of the top spot by Musa Hilal, a tribal leader of the Janjaweed militias which have been responsible for the deaths of as many as 200,000 Sudanese, and have caused over 1 million refugees to flee from the Darfur region. He is know to personally beat his enemies to death with a bat signed by the entire 2000 World Championship team. Also above Bin Laden on this year's list was one Scott Merz of Chicago, Illinois, a man whose soul is as black as the deepest recesses of the earth. He holds daily communion with the Dark Lord, Satan, and is an occasional studio drummer for the popular band Smashmouth. Rounding out the list were Ernst Stavro Blofeld, leader of the world-wide terrorist organization SPECTRE, and Joe Simpson, father and manager of pop sensations Jessica and Ashlee Simpson. He is mostly on the list for not forcing his daughters to get naked and make out with each other.

Stay tuned in May when the Top 5 Biggest Dip Shit Red Sox Fans, and the Top 5 Biggest Prick Lakers Fans lists are released to the media.

2)

Osama Bin Laden Captured Alive at Area Applebee's

The Alameda Applebee's Where Osama went down!International Terrorist, and head of the Al Quaeda network who claimed responsibility for the attack on the World Trade Center was captured last week while dining at a Bay Area Applebee's Family Restaurant, ending a world-wide manhunt which has lasted more than 3 years. FBI agents stormed the eatery after receiving a tip from waitress, Emily Tilles who had been irked by Bin Laden's treatment of her during previous visits.

"He kept complaining about the ingredients we used in some of our dishes, saying he couldn't eat this and that because of his religion. I seen him walk in and sit in my section and I thought, 'I can't go through this again, I'm callin' the FBI.' Look buddy, if you don't like it, don't order it. There's a Shoney's right next door. I'm sure they would appreciate the business."

"He's a shitty tipper anyways," added Tilles.

While the waitress is being hailed as a national hero, manager Kyle Minor has come under fire because of speculation that he was aware of the identity of Bin Laden long before his capture, and yet did not turn him in. Minor vehemently denied these allegations, however, in a statement released though his lawyer:

"He'd come here all the time. I mean, we knew he lived in a cave no too far from here, and some of us thought that was odd, but we just figured he was a look-alike. He's supposed to hate America so much right? But every time he came in here, he'd get the California Golden Skillet or the New Orleans Kickin' Cajun Wrap. He never even expressed an interest in our Blazin' Jihad Chicken Wings. How was I to know? I'm not gonna turn away a customer just because he masterminded the most deadly attack on American soil since Pearl Harbor. The restaurant business is very competitive."

Indeed, despite his oft-disconcerting behavior, most restaurant patrons were just as shocked as Minor to learn the identity of their sometimes fellow diner. One man eating dinner with his family told us, "It was kind of annoying, him bringing a video camera with him whenever he came here. And I do feel sorry for that waitress. If something wasn't cooked exactly to his liking, watch out! He would just go on a tirade in Arabic or whatever, and have his translator guy yell at her, telling her how she was an "infidel" and how only any enemy of the true God, Allah, could have overcooked his onion rings to such a degree, and how if it happened again he was going to fly a jet into the kitchen of the restaurant. We never though it was actually Bin Laden though."

The recent capture has brought a mixture of relief and surprise to the Bush Administration, whose efforts to bring Bin Laden to justice since September 11 had been unsuccessful. When reached for comment, a top level Defense Department official said: "He was captured where? Shit, we were way off. I didn't think anybody ate at those places. It's a great place to go if you don't want to be found, I guess."

Though the media has paid little attention, the mediocre franchise restaurants of the United States have proven themselves as potent an ally as any in the War On Terror. It went widely unreported that the real reason Quaddafi agreed to discontinue his pursuit of nuclear weapons and dismantle Libya's already existant Uranium Enrichment program was not because of the war in Iraq or for fear of the Bush Doctrine, but because of his love of never-ending salad and breadsticks, or "hospitaliano" as the bureaucrats like to call it.

Upon hearing the news of Bin Laden's capture Bush announced that U.S. Troops would now be patrolling all T.G.I. Fridays and Chili's Franchises in the Middle East on the hunt for other terror suspects. "Applebee's signature mango margaritas were Bin Laden's dowfall and we're hoping that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's love of Chili's Baby Back Ribs is more that just a rumor. "

"Barbecue Sauce!" added Bush in an exaggerated baritone. He continued "Let this be a warning to all of those who wish this country, it's citizens, or it's allies and their "Awesome Blossoms" harm: we will win this fight."'

Posted by PETE 4/28/05 8:32pm

Downs Under

An email from my friend Downs, who has been lowering the property values in Sydney for over a month now. Downs is a funny guy.

Well I've been downs under for about a month and a half now, I figure it is about time for a little update info. I am staying at Manly Beach, no it is not a cousin of Ass Beach*, at a hostel. I've been there for about two weeks, but I might have to move back to the city now that I have gotten a job at the Australian Film Commission in Woolloomoolloo (pronounced Woolloomoolloo). In the spirit of the name of the community where I will be working, I have compiled a list of the weirdest shit that I have found or has happened to me since I have been down here, besides the obvious Burger-King-is-Hungry-Jacks and shit like that. In no particular order:

Walking down the street in downtown Sydney, a man was walking up who looked EXACTLY like Steven Wright, noted comedian and star of Coffee and Cigarettes. In a jovial mood I smiled and yelled "Hey Steve-o!" To that, the man promptly gave me the finger. I laughed my ass off, walked another block and saw a bill for a Steven Wright show that weekend. So Steven Wright gave me the finger in Australia.

I saw George Clinton and his crew three times in King's Cross, the red light district of Sydney. At first I thought that I was just seeing a dude that looked like George Clinton, and Furey** as you can attest, dudes that look like George Clinton can be tripped over in King's Cross. But I was on the stage with the man***, and he had a show that past weekend, so I knew it was him and his crew decked out in pimp gear. Every time I saw him though, he was baked and eating a 30 cent ice cream cone from McDonalds, in other words content.

Weird/Funny. Asian people love to wear shirts with various English phrases on them, even though they are completely out of context and make no sense. It seems their only purpose is to perpetuate the stereotype, but so what, it is one of the funniest stereotypes in existence. My favorite one so far: a dude wearing a black T with white letters that said "Here comes the Pain". I fell on the street laughing.

A dude in a Fiery Furnaces T-shirt. From Oak Park to Australia, kind of like me haha.

In a bar in Kings Cross, at four am, on my birthday. I was sitting at the window, and a prostitute came to the window. She knocked to get my attention and then made the index finger penetrates the hole motion with her hands. Without missing a beat I made the money motion with my hand by rubbing my thumb against my index and middle fingers and shook my head negatively. She frowned and walked away. I just spoke in sign language for the first time ever!!!

Australian Rules Football. I have no fucking clue what is going on with that shit.

A kid playing guitar and singing on the Manly Beach common square with a sign next to his guitar case that said "I'm Eight Years Old!" He was covering Enrique Iglesias "Hero" I laughed when I thought that the kid was pulling as much eight year old ass as Scott wished he was.****

Australian Girls at bars all over the place are excited for the Bette Midler show coming up. The music scene is actually quite brutal here. I hope you guys enjoyed the Shins.

Well thats about it, stay up people it will be warm soon.

Downs

PS the Sydney Opera house looks like a bunch of triangles having a gang bang.

*Ass Beach is not a real place. Only in the Alk-Dog's mind does it exist, full of men in Speedos and also Condon.
**We have a friend named Brian Furey, pronounced like "fury". That is a pretty cool name.
***We went to see the P-Funk All-Stars our Sophomore year of high school and ended up dancing on stage during... funny I can't remember what song it was. Gee, I wonder why. I do remember this though: George Clinton smells really fucking bad.
****Merz likes the young ladies. Merz's ideal life would involve a Camaro IROC-Z and a permanent, reserved parking space outside the local high school. Merz and Paul Self should hang out.

Posted by PETE 4/28/05 6:01pm


Comments Section Threatens To Overtake Actual Blog

Gelatinous cube eats village... I love it!
--Rob Lowe

Posting to this blog is hard. At virtually every sentence - every turn of phrase - you are met with myriad potential missteps. English majors lambaste your improper use of the royal 'we', history buffs pull apart even the most oblique reference to the Crimean War, and TV savants never fail to notice when you call a show by its wrong name. If your post is too long, people are put-off by your pretense. If your post is too short people get suspicious that you are low on material. Even if you have a great post you usually only realize it by the ominous lack of negative feedback.

On the other hand, there is the comments section. Short posts are accepted with relish. Long posts are lauded for their mere existence ("I can't believe someone spent so much time posting to the comments section of an obscure blog. Bra-vo!"). Pictures are easier to upload in the comments section and, to be honest, there is much less of a chance that the editme software will spontaneously screw up your work (seriously, PETE spends days undoing programming glitches so that you, devoted reader, can experience an unblemished Jo-tel blog.) The actual blog was so last month. It's anachronistic, obsolete, obdurant, and oblivious to allusions to my ex-girlfriend [FN1]. Indeed, I think that my "In Defense of M*A*S*H #2" will be received much more kindly in the comments section where it can lounge freely as the random burst of free-form counter-culturalism that it is. Perhaps I'll just leave the actual blog space to Hip's State of Religious Hatred addresses and PETE's plugs of his other websites [FN2].

FN1: My ex girlfriend is named Alyse. Her name sort of sounds like a lot of other words - many of which begin with the letters 'a' and 'o'. Over the past five years, this fact has provided an astounding amount of amusement for several of those involved with the Jo-tel blog. We are idiots.
FN2: Sellout.

Of course, the implication is that the comments will eventually become the next blog. And then the process will be begin again: the actual blog becoming the new comments section, offering freedom from the unduly harsh restraints placed on the posting of acceptable comments. Freedom exists only as a relative juxtoposition to a lack of freedom - even on a blog. And here you thought Nietzsche's theory of the eternal recurrance sounded stupid. Shame on you!

Posted by Shark 4/27/05 8:40am


I Apologize in Advance...

for this post but it just had to be done. In doing research for my upcoming article for The Phat Phree entitles "Word 'Douche" Actually Used To Refer To Douche, Not Some Guy" I came across a couple of amusing things. Now, bear in mind that I've already apologized. That being said, check out the names of the scents on these boxes of douche!

Shhhhhh! Splashhhhhh!

There's really nothing I can say that will make that any more funny. Except... well I notice that ISLAND SPLASH is capitalized and Intimate Whisper isn't. Just pointing that out.

Also, and as I said I found this during my research, but 100 Euros to the man who can read this page to the bottom without laughing once.

Well, that'll do it for me this morning. Sorry I couldn't wait until April 30th to post it. (Man, I really should've waited until May 1st)

Posted by PETE 4/26/05 1:35am

Okay, Now you can look.

My first article is up at The Phat Phree here. Check out the site. It's pretty funny. Really.

Posted by PETE 4/25/05 3:35pm

I Hate Editme and Microsoft Internet Explorer and God

I just wrote for 15 minutes in here about how I'm enjoying reading and carrying around Bertrand Russell's "Why I Am Not A Christian" and how when I was reading "Atlas Shrugged" I wished people would tell me how much they liked it so I could turn on them and tell them why I thought it sucked, and about how Russell was even more stridant than I am about Christianity's role in the world, and about how he questions some things that it is easy to take for granted, and how it's interesting that he was writing these things in the 20's-40's about how religionists were making a big push to fool people into thinking that America really is, on some deeper, institutional level, a "Christian country," which is not true, and it's interesting because after this happened like gangbusters in the 50's (inserting "under God" in the pledge of allegiance, making "In God We Trust" the national motto) there was a resurgence of rationalism, secularism, and the great American principle of the Separation of Church and State, until the last ten years or so when secularism has once again been under attack. I was saying how I've realized lately that I'm a big moral relativist and how that's a good thing, and that the danger of the idea that there exists absolute good and evil in the universe is that people will inevitably do horrible things that they normally wouldn't do, justified in their own minds by the "knowledge" that they have God on their side. I was saying that the Christian Bigwigs are against relativism because they think it's a slippery slope. Notably, Senator Rick Santorum ... [and here is where I went to look up what state Santorum represents, and lost my entire screed.]

santorumSo anyway, Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) once said, "And if the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery." Later in that same interview he said "That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be." Basically Santorum claims to be concerned that if homosexuality is considered morally OK, then soon people will just be having huge man/child/dog orgies in Times Square. It's like "Well, I was mad at my parents, so I became a homosexual. But then by 2009 homosexuality was pretty much accepted all over America as a legitimate alternative lifestyle. Pretty soon I had to go to bathhouses like five nights a week to even get my mom to cry a little. Then I graduated to transexuality and started taking hormones. And that's how it's been ever since - just chasing the dragon from one sin to the next, trying more and more repugnant acts in an effort to replicate that first high. Now I go to man/child/dog orgies in Times Square."

I don't really think that's how it works. I think it takes a long time for the aggregate morals of a nation this size to change, but that they will change is inevitable. THAT'S WHY SLAVERY IS ILLEGAL AND WOMEN CAN VOTE. The flip side of this argument is that it sort of leads me to think that maybe backwards states like Alabama should be allowed to outlaw homosexual acts and abortion and weed and evolution. And that would be lame. Obviously I have some more thinking to do. Any thoughts?

P.S. One year ago today Hey Crackhead was the most-linked-to page on the internets, according to blogdex. And yes, I have been checking every day.

Posted by Hip E. 4/25/05 12:27pm

Hollywood Update

1. Nicole Richie will not be featured on the next season of The Surreal Life. This is reportedly because Paris Hilton is upset with Richie for a prank that Richie executed against Hilton during a meeting between friends to watch a tape of Hilton's SNL episode. Richie, who volunteered to ready the VHS tape, switched the SNL tape with Hilton's infamous Las Vegas sex video. Hilton is apparently really pissed about this. Quoth Paris with regard to the incident, "She knows what she did." What the shit is going on here? That's a solid prank. And can Paris still be embarased that everyone has seen her having dirty sex while her eyes glowed like those of a snake in the camera light? That's like Vanilla Ice being embarrased that Ice Ice Baby was such a great song.

2. I'm sure I'm behind the times on this one but I just heard that Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz plan to get married. Are they even pretending that this is going to last?

3. Last, and most viscerally disturbing, Ryan Seacrest has apparently been awarded his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. His star will be unveiled this weekened in a duel cerimony with fellow inductee, Bobo the Poop-Flinging Carnival Monkey.

Posted by Shark 4/23/05 11:00am sharp

This Kid Is Pretty Funny

Just a quick plug for another SF Blogger I discovered through my new gig at this Web site. I haven't mentioned it because I have yet to write anything for them (when I do, look the FUCK out though) but so far this guys is the OTHER funniest writer. I read his Look, Nobody Cares That You're A DJ post and knew that he had to be from SF, the city with the most DJs per capita in the world, most of them self-important assholes with really, really great hair... just amazing, I mean wow. Anyhow, check him out.

Posted by PETE 4/21/05 8:21pm

Worst Cave Scenario

The CaveOkay, fellow denizens of the depths, keep this in mind: this is the worst possible cave scenario. But it is a scenario nonetheless. As such, it must be addressed candidly and with a particular mind towards our respective spelunking limitations - and, indeed, with a eye towards our general human limitations as well. I know that we'd all like to live in the ideal world and share with each other incandescent images of stumbling wildly upon the actual light of day, but, as we've theorized, there is a chance - and a distinct one at that - that this will never occur. With that in mind, let's flush out the aforementioned scenario.

If it happens that the labyrinthine narrows of this cave are ends in themselves, if the outside - that noumenal thing - is, in itself, unattainable, we must give up hope of ever reaching it. Unlike the previous cave scenario, the worst cave scenario will require the evisceration of all hope. Unrealistic longing may too frequently lead the holder to react irrationally to the absurdity inherent in a cave-bound existence. Irrationality must be met with rationality if it is to be faced. In other words, hope springs infernal - as infernal as a knife on a sunny day. In the alternative, we may draw on the walls. But never should these hieroglyphics ever attempt to represent the theoretical beyond. To do so would conjure fanciful longing, which would - inevitably - give way to power-mongering and dangerous cults. We must strive to keep a merit-based society and merit shall be based on reason and reason alone. Visual arts and representation should unfold, instead, in a dialectic sense. Cavely gods of innovation shall be forged and deviated therefrom. Forge, deviate, repeat. Old gods will be discarded for all practical purposes, but assiduously preserved for educational and entertainment-oriented historiography.

Also, with respect to public safety, all those "pushing" games in which the pusher pushes in conjunction with a prostrate squatter posted behind the pushee must be halted. As you all know, this has lead to several unpleasant stalagmite impalements. I believe that is all for know. But after now having outlined our reactions to this all-to-realistic possibility, I ask you all to contemplate for yourself whether this is, indeed, the worst cave scenario, or if, as some have preached all along, the most fulfilling existence has been the blank palate of cold but boundlessly permitting silence that has lain before us all along. And ultimately, there is --- Hey! Edgar! Get your head out of that mesocavern!

Posted by Shark 4/20/05 4:34pm


Becky's Blog is Good

Not that I'm surprised, but it is sometimes a little annoying when things are better than me. But Everyone's blog is good in the beginning. We'll see how long she can keep this up - giving product reviews, researching SF History, digging for the truth behind sinister new fitness centers... For the present, though, Becky is kicking ass. Check her out.

Posted by Hip E. 4/19/05 5:31pm

Don't Worry Dwyermaker

During the whole mustache thing, I took the liberty of procuring for myself a t-shirt that says "Mustache Rides 10 Cents" and has a big picture of a mustache on it. Inga HATES it. To top it all off, it is exTREMEly tight and sleazy looking. I happened to be wearing it when we went down to the Marina last weekend, and the looks on the faces were precious. Pretty much all the ladies who walked by and read it took on the countenance of someone who had just seen a gerbil run over by a car, while most of the dudes were like "Heh" or "what a douche." However, only one guy made a comment. He was about 39 and was walking around with his wife and baby. He was like "that's great, where'd you get it." You could tell his wife was really excited about the whole thing. But hey, who doesn't like an inexpensive mustache ride?

Posted by Hip E. 4/19/05 5:15pm

Because so many guys have no clue how they do it

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Posted by PETE 4/18/05 6:33pm

A Short Post for Hip E and Shark

I think someone should do a clinical study about what types of alcohol affect your ability to sex someone down the most... or the least depending on who was funding it. I think the findings would be something along the lines of tequila being the worst, followed by various other types of hard alcohol, then beer, which will let you start but not finish. I don't know enough about wine to comment. I also think it will be determined, to the surprise of physiologist everywhere, that if you just stick to Cristal, Henessey, and Alize mixed with Belvedere, you'll be able to deal bitches the long dick all night into the early moRN. Word.

Posted by PETE 4/18/05 6:28pm

Giles's email gives me an excuse to go off on Men's Health

Giles:

Shaved my sac last night. Love it. Never going back.

-Giles

Welcome to the club, buddy! And yes, every email Giles sends has to do with porn, boobs, or his balls. Giles, here's a story that I'm sure you can identify with: I was in the bathroom down in the Jungle and while perusing a copy of Men's Health, I happened to run accross one of those little Doctor Advice columns where dudes write in with their isues and Doctor X gives his "expert" diagnosis based on their three sentence letter. This is much preferable to actually going to see a doctor because it doesn't cost any money, there's no hot nurses to underwhelm, and dude! you get your name in Men's Health! So anyhow, one of the letters was something like "Dear Doctor X, I look at porn almost every day. I think I may have a problem. Do I?" The Doctor's answer? "Dear Guy, Yes you do..." There was a lot more to the doctor's response but I pretty much stopped reading right there.

Men's Health is such a terrible magazine. How is there a totally new way to blast your abs every month? Is ab-blasting tchnology really advancing so quickly? Does it need to be? Is my inability to achieve a six pack a direct result of my using obsolete techniques from August 2004? Every year, I expect Men's Health to fold and every year they surprise me. For anyone overly curious, here is every Issue of Men's Health ever:

How to achieve health: be rich enough to have 4+ hours of free time per day to fill with exercise, plus another 2 hours to cook our ridiculous meal suggestions, be boring enough to WANT to use all that free time for cooking and exercising, and be dumb enough to like our shitty magazine. Also, please feel free to check out the great deals on penis enlargment devices and salves that make up the final 30 pages!

Posted by PETE 4/18/05 6:11pm

What kind of Loser would get a Hip-e?

I hate these people and their stupid hyphen. It took me years to years to teach everyone how to spell my name.

Posted by Hip E. 4/18/05 5:09pm

C = J.D.

This is the mantra of many law school 3Ls. It refers to the irrefutable fact that straight C grades will warrant a Juris Doctor degree. Also, a "3L" is a third year law student (compare 1L and 2L). Acronyms are an American institution, and institutions of higher learning are their hotbed. [FN1] For instance, at my law school, the computer lab is officially called the Legal Resource Center, which then becomes: the LRC. The student mailboxes are apparently worthy of the title Student Information Center folders. So, of course, I check my SIC folder for mail (pronounced "sick"). The cafeteria is referred to as the Law Cafe, which is impossibly shortened to: the LC. It is amazing that we still call moot court by its full name. I could easily see myself being called an MC competitor. Yikes!

So, ya, these 3Ls are often found trumpeting the aforementioned saying with a tone of weariness. However, beware. Lawyers and aspiring lawyers are crafty liars. For instance, early law students frequently lament how "little they have studied", how "far behind" they are, and how "little outlining" they've done. These prevarications, however, often mask copious studying, a penchant for reading ahead, and some fucked-up comprehensive outlines, respectively. It's all part of the game. When you put 400 'A' students into one class, it's not enough to just work hard, you must also discourage others from working hard. 3Ls are no exception. That is why I am wary of those who attempt to assuage me by telling me how C = J.D. (how'd you like that rhyme Hot Carl?). Has this realization lead me to study more? No. I'm still lazy as hell. But what the shit, I'm the best MCer in the bleeping nation, biotch! The Walkmen rule!!

FN1: "3L" is technically not an acronym. I say this to avoid the inevitable aspersions from our resident English major.

Posted by Shark, 4/17/05 5:07pm

Test Over

I took the test on Friday. It was OK. I'll find out in three-and-a-half months whether I passed or not. So lame.

This weekend at the Jo-tel we're cleaning up the back yard. We have this pretty big back yard but nobody ever goes out there because it's completely overgrown with huge weeds. It should be ready for its close-up by our next party. Actually I haven't helped with the yard at all because yesterday I went on a nice long walk in the Marina with the Jo-tel's #1 girlfriend, sweet sweet Inga. Reid made a plaster cast of his foot and hand, and I came back from coffee this morning to find Shark reading the Jo-tel website on my computer completely butt-ass naked. Good tequila means never having to say "I'm hungover." I might buy a pair of shoes. They're Asics, but that's all I can tell you. I want to make sure I'm the first one to get them. I figure you can only live in San Francisco for so long before you are required to buy a pair of sleek athletic looking shoes with almost no cushioning. Shark doesn't want to do the back yard because "if you clean it up and leave it for a year, it all grows back!" It's because you don't have to leave it for a year. "It's full of very powerful weeds!" -Shark

Posted by Hip E. 4/17/05 12:18pm

Continue April Posts (Actually we'd rather forget the first half of April so...)

Comments:

From A Critic [65.200.81.187] - 5/2/05 1:30 PM

Shark -

Nice End-of-Month Bathroom Post!

From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 4/29/05 6:44 PM

And the winner is!

HOT KARL by a landslide! Hot Karl. Sweet, sweet Hot Karl. Congratulations on being The Jo-Tel's 100th comment for April. You don't really get a t-shirt though.

From Hot Karl [68.7.137.191] - 4/29/05 3:03 PM

NO

Developmentally disabled people don't know how to wear the same colored shoes when they ride the bus with their sister.

From Thrill [24.7.66.105] - 4/29/05 2:04 AM

Her stomach.

From Pliska in Portland [24.20.141.35] - 4/28/05 7:33 PM

Which side is Becky Self on?

From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 4/28/05 6:01 PM

Gary - if one side of the plate is "All Girls But Your Sister" and the other side is "Your Sister" then yes, I do hit from both sides of the plate. But only one side of the plate likes to go ass-to-mouth.

Welcome to the Comments Section.

From Johnny D [24.7.57.14] - 4/28/05 12:05 AM

In case that gets taken down:
http://www.craigslist.org/sfc/rfs/70560071.html

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 4/27/05 11:41 PM

That is awesome.

From Johnny D [24.7.57.14] - 4/27/05 9:11 PM

For Gabe:
http://post.craigslist.org/manage/70560071/p3j7v

From Shark [209.233.180.219] - 4/27/05 6:50 PM

I'd do her. 

From Gabbeh [66.171.85.86] - 4/26/05 8:48 PM

Pliska & Hip E., what are your thoughts on Rasheed Wallace now that he is no longer a Trailblazer? He might be one of my favorite NBA players. I just love that guy. Does anyone else think he looks like Method Man? What are the odds that the two have smoked blunts together?

From Gabbeh [66.171.85.86] - 4/26/05 8:46 PM

At first I thought that t-shirt was a reference to when Hilary "I'd stick it in her" Duff turns 18. (Note: I would also stick it in Hilary Clinton's duff, just to make her walk funny for a week. Fuck that bitch.) Also....Will, I never said the Olympics in Lillehammer were in 1990. I thought somehow you were referring to them erroneously. In fact, I'm somewhat of a Winter Olympics buff and certainly knew that they were held in Norway in 1994, so I was never in your dome, but you also don't deserve any mention of "touche"....bitch!

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 4/26/05 7:42 PM

Brewer likes this shirt:

Shirt

From gary [85.194.50.95] - 4/26/05 7:12 PM

i like this shirt

NEW!  Pavlov T-shirt

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 4/26/05 5:55 PM

No, Gabe, I was referring to MC Hammer, whose album "Please Hammer Don't Hurt Em" came out in February of 1990.  And I got that map from the CIA.  So Hip E. was spot-on.  And finally: the Lillehammer Olympics were in 1994, not 1990 ... put THAT in your sperm pipe and smoke it, biotch!  And Katon, Gabe put me nowhere but inside his gargantuan dome.  Where I'm so goddamn comfortable I'm thinking about ordering new kitchen cabinets.

From gary [85.194.50.95] - 4/26/05 3:56 PM

don't forget that the sperm cell used to be part of the turd's kingdom, so while it may help make a baby that baby is going to smell like turds.  i, for one, would rather have the turd.  you can throw it at people.

and pete, word on the swedish street is you hit from both sides of the plate now.  i believe the follow-up phrase by my informant was "but seriously, who didn't see that coming?"

From Pliska in Portland [149.175.207.189] - 4/26/05 2:03 PM

French dudes wash themselves with douche gel?  No wonder Germany keeps kicking their ass.

From The Big Kat [67.112.196.4] - 4/26/05 1:25 PM

Uh oh Will, looks like Gabe just put you in your place. Lillehammer, bitch! Booya!

From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 4/26/05 1:07 PM

"douche" is french for shower. That's just body wash. French guys wash their bodies with douche gel.

From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 4/26/05 12:42 PM

When I was in L'Occitane with Inga I came upon this product, a douche for men:

Gel Douche Revigorant corps et cheveux

From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 4/26/05 12:30 PM

I'm guessing Thrill was referring to MC Hammer and the CIA is where he got that map. 

Maupow:  you would know!

From maupow [128.223.217.121] - 4/26/05 11:42 AM

Because the chemical balance of the vagina is very sensitive, it is best to let the vagina clean itself.


From Gabbeh [69.143.107.33] - 4/26/05 10:47 AM

Thrill, were you referring to the winter Olympics being in Norway in 1990? If so, the town that hosted was Lilihammer, not Hammerfest. If you weren't referring to the Olympics, then I don't what the hell you're talking about. And what's with the reference to the CIA? Pliska, thankfully you corrected yourself on the use of the word "ironic." For a second there, I thought you were going Alanis Morrisette on us and egregiously misuse the word. "It's like 10,000 knives when all you need is a spoon..." Hey Alanis, I don't know what grammar teacher you had in Canada, but that's not irony, you dumb bitch.

From Pliska in Portland [24.20.141.35] - 4/25/05 11:22 PM

A sperm cell next to what resembles a turd.  How ironic.  Well, not really I suppose.  Except that sperm cells help make babies and baby turds stink.  But that's not ironic, thats just a causal link.  Anyways..........

From Thrill [136.152.132.201] - 4/25/05 11:19 PM

Don't ask Inga, ask the CIA:



PS - How fun must the town of Hammerfest have been in 1990?

From Gabbeh [66.171.85.86] - 4/25/05 9:09 PM

Hey, everyone should really check out that Phat Phree site. It's hilarious...except that article about the posers. Also: (1) who is Hot Karl? (2) Inga, is it just me or does the country of Norway look like a sperm cell? That is all...carry on.

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 4/25/05 8:50 PM

Hip E's gonna have plenty of time to ponder moral relativism while he's sleeping on the couch this weekend.

From inga [63.170.97.131] - 4/25/05 8:36 PM

But your definition of "moral relativity" doesn't talk about whether something is legally right, it just just whether it is morally right for that culture.  And if the culture is right-wing Christianity then they're not acting wrongly pursuant to their morally relative beliefs.  Is all I'm saying.

From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 4/25/05 7:19 PM

Moral Relativism says that "ethical standards, morality, and positions of right or wrong are culturally based and therefore subject to a person's individual choice."  It is for society to determine what moral values will be expressed in its laws.  If someone shoots an abortion doctor, society says that is wrong and punishes them. 

To learn more about Moral Relativism, don't go to www.moral-relativism.com because it is run by moonshine-swilling rednecks.

From Pliska in Portland [24.20.141.35] - 4/25/05 7:02 PM

Sucks for Jodi Sweetin, her catch phrase on Full House was "How roooode."  Thats no "You got it dude." 

From Stan Clevinger [209.233.180.182] - 4/25/05 6:53 PM

You can even see lower-boob cleavage in some of those Jodi Sweetin pics.  Wow!  Full House, indeed!

From inga [63.170.97.131] - 4/25/05 6:13 PM

Wow, it's Lintvedt Day at the Jo-Tel.    

Speaking of Jodi Sweetin, Karl and his evil friends used to taunt me and call me "Jodi" in high school, but that's neither here nor there.

From inga [63.170.97.131] - 4/25/05 6:08 PM

"I'm a big moral relativist and how that's a good thing, and that the danger of the idea that there exists absolute good and evil in the universe is that people will inevitably do horrible things that they normally wouldn't do, justified in their own minds by the "knowledge" that they have God on their side. "    Wait - doesn't moral relativism say different things are right for different people? In which case you can't say Christians are doing things wrong because if they're doing what they truly believe?

From gafferland - 4/25/05 5:51 PM

Where's Uncle Jesse?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

From Hot Karl [68.7.137.191] - 4/25/05 5:45 PM

kimmy gibler? dunno. alls i know is that she was "six" to dj's "blossom."

(jenna von oy & mayim bialek, i'm not gonna pretend i don't know their names)

From The Big Kat [67.112.196.4] - 4/25/05 4:20 PM

It's "The Simple Life", Shark. Bitch.

From Hip - 4/25/05 3:59 PM

Uncle Jesse's wife was the hottest chick on television for at least 5 years.

From Hip - 4/25/05 3:52 PM

Wow, she really is hot.  That's...  wow.  If they can make Jody Sweetin grow up to be hot, anything is possible.  Does that weird tweeker chick who was friends with D.J. have a website?

From 68.7.137.191 - 4/25/05 3:39 PM

Well, after all, she is one of the most talented and beautiful actresses in television history.

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 4/25/05 3:22 PM

From Hot Karl [68.7.137.191] - 4/25/05 2:56 PM

creepyin' up the jo-tel.

From Hot Karl [68.7.137.191] - 4/25/05 2:53 PM

inga/linda: yes, i "remember" those feelings, even if <i>like</i> is a bit of a mild word for my tender affections. besides, who i was really after was uncle jesse's wife, becky, the one who looks like angie harmon. but this comments section isn't about me.

i kinda feel obligated to point out though that several months ago a roommate of mine did look up jodie sweetin's 411 and found recent pix of her. he exclaimed "SHE GOT HOT!!!"

i dunno, judge for yourself. http://www.jodiesweetin.net/ aka THE SWEET SHOP as it the site owner likes it to be known. " "Congratulations, you have just found the most complete Jodie Sweetin and Candace Cameron sites on the net!" " 

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 4/25/05 2:14 PM

Wow ... Hot Karl sold out by his own sister.  Sweet Minga's not so sweet anymore.

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 4/25/05 2:12 PM

Seacrap got his star for radio, not for TV.  And yeah, L's right: it costs $15K to get nominated, so it's not like he cured radio cancer, or something. 

I have to be honest though: the next time I'm in LA, I'm driving directly to H'wood Blvd. and having the nearest tourist take my picture with his star.  And THAT masterpiece is going on the wall in my office.

Shark (I assume you put that photo at the top), is that photo from "Band of Outsiders"?  If so: nice.

From inga [63.170.97.131] - 4/25/05 2:11 PM

Speaking of "Full House" alumni ... Hot Karl, remember when you liked Stephanie Tanner (ie: the poor man's Scarlett Johanssen)?

From Lambert [24.148.78.68] - 4/25/05 1:40 AM

I was also repulsed / bewildered that Ryan Seacrest and his platinum blonde dyed hair and fake ass tan landed a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  Then it was brought to my attention that one doesn't have to "earn" or even "deserve" such a star.  They merely have to have a fan club that raises enough money.  Which makes me wonder how will I, too, get a bunch of acne ridden, One Tree Hill watching, bunch of girls with braces who will never get laid to worship me and donate their hard earned babysitting dollars to land my ass on the Walk too?  If anyone has any ideas, holla at yo girl.

From Pliska in Portland [24.20.141.35] - 4/24/05 1:07 PM

Seacrest was probably given his star for coming up with the immortal quotes "Seacrest here" and "Seacrest....OUT".  I mean, the Oleson twins got a star for coming up a song called "Brother For Sale" and the movie "How the West Was Fun!".  They were introduced to coke at a very, very young age, right after the "you got it dude" phase i believe.

From Shark - 4/24/05 12:18 PM

Apparently Defamer and The Phat Phree are also Becky Browning.  That bitch gets around!

From Hot Karl [68.7.137.191] - 4/23/05 3:44 PM

I love it too. So why can't my link actually go to my actual blog? I'm not Rebecca Bloody Browning!

From Shark - 4/23/05 2:05 PM

I heart the Hot Karl blog. 

From maupow [128.223.216.23] - 4/22/05 10:24 PM

Yeah, I liked the cave post too, Shark.  Easily the funniest thing you've ever written.

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 4/22/05 8:09 PM

Shark, you must've ekomsd so much dewe before writing that Worst Cave Scenario.  Nice work, though.  Now go write something I can read without a dictionary.

From inga [63.170.97.131] - 4/22/05 6:14 PM

Dude, what's with the cave stuff? Is it a metaphor for accepting the world as it is versus hoping for heaven?

From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 4/22/05 4:16 PM

What is a nozel?  Is that a terrorist thing?

From I shit in your cave [67.112.196.4] - 4/22/05 2:21 PM

Good God, Shark, this is a blog, not Proust. You've just earned yourself a shanking.

From Shark [63.198.166.35] - 4/22/05 12:44 PM

Maupow, one of these days I'm going to come over there and just - I'm just going to beat the living shit out of you. 

From Salty D [69.108.97.123] - 4/19/05 8:27 PM

Nice, Hip. I never should have doubted...

From maupow [128.223.219.103] - 4/19/05 5:19 PM

Wow Shark, nice work on moot court.  Winning the competition and "celebrating at tavern on the green".  Way to go.  You yuppie fuck.

From Hip E. [208.2.28.132] - 4/19/05 3:54 PM

"into the early mom"???  That's disgusting!

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 4/19/05 3:05 PM

Sweet Linga,

In the words of His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, "Sweat not the small stuff.  Yea, and it is all small stuff.  Moreover, don't sweat that shit; just let that shit.  In nomini patri, fili, et spiritu sancti.  Amen."

From linda [63.170.97.131] - 4/19/05 10:33 AM

Karl.  Karl.  Not Carl.

From Salty D [69.229.229.67] - 4/19/05 3:09 AM

Great site, guys. I know i'm behind the times but loved the moustaches from a couple months ago. Any luck incorporating "moustache rides" into pick-up lines? Somebody had to be drunk enough one night to do it... Keely???

From Pliska in Portland [149.175.206.37] - 4/18/05 9:37 PM

One may think I enjoy the Hot Carl, but they would be wrong.

-Johnny D

From Thrill [136.152.132.98] - 4/18/05 9:19 PM

Probably only slightly more annoying than when he found out what a 'carl' is.

From gafferland - 4/18/05 9:10 PM

I wish I could tell you that sweet "hurt shoulder" joke was intentional...

How annoying was it for every dude named "Carl" when his friends found out what a "Hot Carl" was? Pretty annoying, I bet.

Inga, please don't fuck the shit out of me.

From inga [63.170.97.131] - 4/17/05 2:21 PM

Whereas Hip E. once tried to link Hot Karl's blog; and Whereas I now find Hot Karl has linked the Jo-Tel; I Hereby Declare that the Jo-Tel is authorized to link  http://hpbl.blogspot.com  on the condition that if any wolf in this den makes even the smallest wisecrack about my little brother I will Kick Some Ass.

From Hip E. [67.169.81.55] - 4/17/05 10:13 AM

I love how in the middle of a post that took me 37 minutes to read, PETE says that he would write more, but "he's got a hurt shoulder."  Can you imagine what a healthy PETE could do? 

"On the last day of your life
 Don't forget to die."
-Silver Jews

From Hip E. [67.169.81.55] - 4/16/05 3:42 AM

Yeah!  Nice work, loser!

From Johnny D [24.7.57.14] - 4/15/05 9:24 PM

Pete, Shark brought you the bobblehead!  Its great!
His salty posting was a response to your salty posting, and ended on a pretty funny note, anyway.

You love seeing Cal people, you went back to Berkeley just last week.
Sorry for not saving you a seat, but there were no seats to save. I didn't even expect to get one myself.

From Garth [209.233.181.230] - 4/15/05 5:11 PM

"4) You're a gimp"

From Johnny D [206.176.240.83] - 4/15/05 3:25 PM

3) I've been trying to do what most dudes who are dating girls don't:  bring along the girls's friends along.  So far I've come through.

From Shark [63.198.166.97] - 4/15/05 1:55 PM

I'm getting a tax return. 

From Johnny D [206.176.240.83] - 4/15/05 10:50 AM

2) Pete, you love shitty Marina bars.  If a bar is cool, and potentially has good live music, its like the plague to you... wait, there are fewer slamhogs at the marina than the Bucc...

From 206.176.240.83 - 4/15/05 10:47 AM

1) I went out more this week than I have since before the party.

From Thrill [24.7.66.105] - 4/15/05 10:33 AM

Blazers smoke Nuggets.

From Pliska in Portland [149.175.206.37] - 4/14/05 6:24 PM

Shark, that is like in the NBA, any time the Heat or the Suns lose, the headline has something to do with coldness.  Lakers Ice Suns.  Pistons Cool Off Heat.  Bulls Freeze Suns.  Suns Blocked by Wizard Defense.  And so on. 

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 4/13/05 2:16 PM

Nice bobble-head picture, Shark.  Congratulations on winning the Moot Court nationals.

From The Big Kat [67.112.196.4] - 4/13/05 2:06 PM

I actually stopped at "It's like the Bulls" because I knew that it was actually nothing at all like the Bulls, but rather another excuse for HipE to launch into an inane rant about something that is not an issue to anyone but him.

From Shark - 4/13/05 11:05 AM

There is really no need to read any further in Hip E's post than "back when Clyde Drexler was the best player in the NBA" because this would be mean that Hip thinks that Drexler was better than Jordan.  Right, and Saw is a good movie. 

From Hip E. [67.169.81.55] - 4/13/05 1:09 AM

Katon, I am in no way a Red Sox fan.  I just hate the Yankees.  Red Sox fans may be annoying, I don't really know.  I know Fallon claims to be a Red Sox fan, and that Ebert was taking his Garfield pills on the day he reviewed "Fever Pitch."  The point is that they are nowhere near as annoying as Yankees fans.  There may still be hope for the Yankees.  If they are terrible for the next 15 years, I might root for them in the future.  It's like the Bulls.  When Clyde Drexler was the best player in the NBA, I never would have thought that I would one day not mind if the Bulls won a game.  But after that dude who carried the ball a lot retired and Scottie Pippen came to Portland, they started to suck really bad.  I think by now most of the Chicago fans from back then have been knocked off their high horses.  Now they're building something there and it's kind of cool.  It's not like they're in competition with the Blazers, as the Bulls are way out of the running for worst team in the league.  Listen, Rasheed Wallace was a great philanthropist and humanitarian, with a wife and kids, who lived in a totally normal suburban mansion as shown on Cribs, with a totally normal Scarface poster in his home theater, who played the game with a lot of passion.  We shouldn't have traded him.  He was never a thug.  He never engaged in any physical violence.  He does have the record for most technical fouls received for "scowling."  Anyway, I guess the Blazers are going to suck for awhile, which is too bad.  Because they have really cool uniforms.

From Michael J MEEKALOS [12.183.129.124] - 4/13/05 12:19 AM

You guys crack me up.  I appreciate the feature.  The hornet shown is the F/A-18F Super Hornet.  Only the Navy flies the Super Hornet.  It is brand new.  You will also notice it has two seats.  I am going to fly either the F/A-18C (single seat - flies off the aircraft carrier) or the F/A-18D (two seat - flies only from land bases).  If you want to see a cool picture or learn more about the technical aspects/abilities of this jet check out Boeing's website: http://www.boeing.com/defense-space/military/fa18/flash.html

I am coming to NAS Lemoore for the RAG.  It is near Fresno.  Expect to see more of me in the coming months.

Michael J

From The Big Kat [67.112.196.4] - 4/12/05 5:14 PM

On the Red Sox bandwagon there's always room for one more, right HipE?

From Hip E. [208.2.28.132] - 4/12/05 11:57 AM

from: Sportsguy of ESPN Page 2
To: The Puma:

Secret Yankee Closer Election Set for April 8
Extensive Security Planned for Friday's Funeral

By BILL SIMMONS

THE BRONX (April 6) – Major League Baseball on Wednesday set April 8 as the date for the historic start of the conclave to elect a successor to Mariano Rivera, as the Yankees made final arrangements for the funeral of a great career that is expected to draw millions of Yankee fans and world leaders to the Bronx.

The decision came after the future Hall of Famer blew his second save in as many days against the team's biggest rival, the World Champion Red Sox, giving up five runs in the ninth, getting battered like a rented mule and ignominiously getting removed from the game in the middle of the inning, the fourth consecutive time he has blown a save to the Red Sox dating back to the 2004 ALCS. Fans at Yankee Stadium even booed the great closer on his way back to the dugout, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that Yankee fans are headed to hell.

Yankees GM Brian Cashman said the Yankees would be sequestered in the team offices in the early afternoon to start the decision process for the next closer. Candidates include Oakland's Octavio Dotel, Detroit's Ugueth Urbina, current set-up man Flash Gordon, Rick Ankiel and Charlie Sheen. The Yankees will continue to use Rivera from the bullpen, but only in blowouts and games where the lead or deficit is six runs or more.

If none of the candidates gets the required two-thirds majority after about 12 days, the Yankee brain trust may change procedure and elect the closer by simple majority. The date was set on the third hour of preparatory meetings of Yankee front office people who have converged on the Bronx ahead of Friday's funeral and burial of Rivera's career.

Fans continued to flock to Yankee Stadium after Wednesday's game, jamming up streets as they waited to pay their final respects to Rivera, who has been lying in state of shock since the Red Sox hammered him off the field for the second straight day. More than 200,000 Yankee fans will have filed solemnly by the pinstriped body by the end of Wednesday night, at a rate of about 15,000-18,000 people an hour in a nearly around-the-clock procession, according to calculations by the Yankee front office.

Posted: April 6, 2005, at 4:46 p.m. EST

From The Big Kat [67.112.196.4] - 4/8/05 11:52 AM

I'd root for the persians because I like their women. Hot AND ethnic.

From Pliska in Portland [63.24.9.132] - 4/8/05 3:26 AM

Sorry Katoell n, but while your take on Red Sox fan is interesting you are absolutely wrong about this.  You must not know many Yankee fans.  I have known both Red Sox and Yankee fans, and Yankee fans are infinitely worse and more annoying.  Yes there are bandwagoner Sox fans.  But think about it, people have been bandwagoning the Yankess for DECADES!!!!  Why are people born and raised in Portland Yankee fans?  Because they are frontrunning bandwagoners.  I guess the point is, there is thousands more people that are Yankee fans for no discernable reason than are are Sox fans, and that makes them more annoying.  Rooting for the Yankees (if you are not from New York) is like rooting for the Persians at Thermopylae.

From Hip E. [67.169.81.55] - 4/7/05 10:59 PM

Yankees fans suck, they are the Lakers fans of baseball, soon they will be shooting themselves and each other and buying Clippers hats -I mean Mets hats, just like Lakers fans.  The Yankees suck, and people who like them because their colors are blue and white and their hat looks cool also suck.

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 4/7/05 3:20 PM

Puma, I don't like the Red Sox.  In fact, I dislike them AND their fans, and couldn't care less about them.  I just think the Yankees' fans are more annoying as a group. 

From The Big Kat [67.112.196.4] - 4/7/05 12:47 PM

See the Puma blog for a hostile retort to Will's comment.

http://katonrouge.blogspot.com/

I wrote it here but in my blinding rage it expanded to be a full post on it's own. Watch out Will, the Red Sox bandwagon is damn full already. Don't hurt yourself trying to hop on.

From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 4/6/05 3:20 PM

Whoa there Gabe. My drought is over too. St. Patrick's Day. Luck of the Irish and all that. It should've been even more over last Friday but due to some unfortunate events, I was not able to convert on the extremely hot British girl. Just so you know.

From Hip E. [208.2.28.132] - 4/6/05 11:37 AM

Maybe Gabe should get his own blog.

From Gabe [137.56.18.250] - 4/6/05 2:59 AM

Pete,

I would have agreed with you about the Fenway/Boston fans up until last season.  But then they pulled off the biggest comeback in baseball history and won the World Series.  Winning solves everything.  They have a WS title as of late and my team, alas, does not.  Looks like Chicago has the longest drought now...throw in Pete's getting laid drought, and Chicago is hurting...hurting bad.   

If Portland had a baseball stadium, it would ostensibly very cool--much like the city itself--until you started hanging around a bit longer and realize that maybe you jumped the gun on putting "Portland" and "cool" in the same sentence.  I mean, any place where people actually like the Embers need not have a professional baseball team.

From Thrill [72.25.90.113] - 4/5/05 11:06 PM

PETE, I can't believe that you think Red Sox fans are worse than Yankee fans.  I ... I'm speechless.  

From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 4/5/05 8:32 PM

Steve Bartman... what a douche.

Also, one more thing you forget about Fenway Gabe: IT'S FULL OF RED SOX FANS! The most obnoxious, holier-than-thou, shit head fans ever. Also, it's in Boston and Boston is such a shitty town that it almost explains the objectionable constitution of it's residents, but not quite (it certainly does explain why half the peopl in SF are from Boston. I'd leave too.).

From Hip E. [208.2.28.132] - 4/5/05 4:45 PM

Man I am boring today.  Hey PETE, you should make all those band names on the left into links to their websites. 

... There I go again.

From Hip E. [208.2.28.132] - 4/5/05 4:16 PM

If Portland had a baseball stadium, it would be the best stadium in baseball.

From Pliska in Portland [149.175.206.116] - 4/5/05 3:38 PM

Except there is a heated debate that the "called shot" is a myth.  You want history?  Try that dork in the headphones, Steve Bartman.

From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 4/5/05 2:32 PM

"but Cubs fans desperately cling to their ballpark as their team's one saving grace after years of heartbreak and losing."

Yeah... doesn't sound like any teams from Boston I know of. Look Gabe, perhaps you were at Wrigley on a bad day or perhaps you're just trying to piss me off, but the fact that the best ballpark in baseball houses the Loveable Losers just makes it that much better. Shit, I'd see a WNBA game there.

Also, if you want history how about Babe Ruth's called shot? Beat that.

From Gabbeh [137.56.17.21] - 4/5/05 2:13 PM

And, yes...I have been to both Wrigley and Fenway in person (along with 13 other MLB parks.)  I'm honestly telling you that Pete is wrong, which is a great time to bring up an old quote:

Gabe: "Pete, you know 100% of all things, but you're wrong 95% of the time."

Pete:  "No I'm not.


Gabe: "My point exactly."

From Gabbeh [137.56.17.21] - 4/5/05 2:10 PM

Two comments on Pete's post about baseball:

1) You don't have to vehemently hate the other team in your city (market)--it's just the norm.  I'm a die-hard Giants fan and fuck the A's for winning in '89, but for the most part, I'd rather see Bay Area baseball do well as a whole.  I even feel the same way about the Raiders.

2) Wrigley is not the best ballpark in America.  That distinction belongs to Fenway Park.  It is older, cooler, and has far, far more compelling post-season history to its name.  I love Wrigley--don't get me wrong--but Cubs fans desperately cling to their ballpark as their team's one saving grace after years of heartbreak and losing.  Quiz: which team, led by the stud 1st baseman Will Clark, beat the Cubs in the 1989 NLCS?



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