"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of  petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."

                                          - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint

 



  
                                Some Time This Century

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THE JO-TEL IS:

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Hip E.

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CURRENTLY READING:

Hip E.
 -
Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman
(1759-67)
 - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)

Shark
 - Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
 -
Kevin Star, A History of California:
1840 - 1875. 

 - Paul Celan, Breathturn

PETE
 - Cormac McCarthy, Suttree

Johnny D.
 - Jean Luc d'Emo, Reel

The Quail
- Dave Eggers, What Is the What
- James Joyce, Ulysses
- Don Gifford, Ulysses Annotated 

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

Hip E.
 - Neko Case, Blacklisted (2002)
 - Hip E., Pando Mix Rev. 0  (2007)
 - Rock Plaza Central, Are We Not Horses? (2006)

Shark
 - Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Blank
Generation 
(1977)
 - The Kinks, The Village Green Preservation
Society
(1968)
 - Silver Apples, Contact (1969)

PETE
 
- Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)

Johnny D
 - Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it
(1980)
- The Blow, Paper Television (2006)
- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3
(1999)

The Quail
- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)


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                           - Charlton Heston (1924 - )

 

Is it THE JO-TEL or the making of Fitzccaraldo?

Show Menu

Top Five Mis-Attributed Popular Download Songs

Music is free.
         - Pat Foudy

Brother Pat Foudy was correct.  Napster is dead, yet I still don't plan on purchasing Bitter Tea.  Yet with liberation comes deliteriosity too yo.  For instance, when that in-studio radio station performance of "Helicopter" makes it onto your version of Silent Alarm or when, for the first year of its existence, you listened to a version of "New Slang" that contained series of skips in the middle.  (Natalie, maybe THAT's why it didn't change my life.)  But also there's the damn mislabelling.  Some are comical and innocuous.  Others are dangerous in their suggestivity.  Certain artists (in particular one hit wonders) are doomed to obscurity at the evil hands of popularer bands they sound like.  Here are my top five mis-attributed popular download songs:

5. The Beatles - Mrs. Robinson

This one's just kind of funny.  Paul Simon has enough to keep his legacy strong.  But Garfunkel needs every damn S&G hit he can muster.  And this, the biggest, is often, shockingly, added to the huge pile of Beatles "swimming pools."

4. Bob Dylan - Stuck in the Middle

Even with the Reservoir Dogs torture scene (and the clear attribution of this song to <CENSORED>, its author, during the credits), no one knows who sings this song.  The southern twang is enough for people to think its Dylan.  No, dudes.  It's not Dylan, it's That Dude Who Sings Stuck In The Middle.  (Hint: The band's name is actually uttered by the WSRM radio jockey. Peace.)

 The Gourds

3. Phish - Gin and Juice

This is not by Phish.  Believe it niggas.  If it had been Phish instead of The Gourds (pictured above in stoned glory), this would have been Phish's best song.  Not that this song is that great.  It's basically a novelty.  But it still better than anything Phish ever did.  Except for maybe those couple of songs about bubbles on Billy Breathes

2. Neil Young - Horse with No Name

America: America's favorite band to rip off.  Not only does no one know that this is their song, but their other huge song - Ventura Highway - is robbed by pop artists and rapists more than my Honda Civic is broken into by piece of shit bums who don't even have the decency to actually steal the car after breaking the window and absconding with my CDs so that at least I would have an excuse to not go to my stupid job that day - I have the software to work at home you know bums, I have the software. 

Harry Chapin

1. Cat Stevens - Cats in the Cradle

Wow.  This song totally sounds like the Cat.  It even has "Cat" in its title.  However, it's actually by Harry Chapin (above).  But now that Mr. Stevens, nee Yusuf Islam, is militantly wishing for the end of the Jewish state, we should probably make a concerted effort to at least not give him more credit than he absolutely deserves.  Not that I like Jews or anything.  Quite to the contrary.

Posted by Shark  2006-04-25  21:46:40

News Motherfucking Flash

Mountain Goats live at Bottom of the Hill, 6/10 + 6/11

Posted by Shark  2006-04-25  21:44:05

Trivia to Learn By

Yesterday we were out on the stoop drinking beers, skateboarding down the hill, and reading aloud from The Great American Bathroom Book I.  We were in the Music Trivia section when we came upon this bravura passage:

* Name the parts of the body found in these song titles:

- "I Want to Hold Your _____"

- "Put Your _____ on My _____"

- "These _____"

- "Back in My _____ Again"

- "Put Your _____ in the _____"

- "I Only Have _____ for You"

Posted by Hip E.  2006-04-24  22:41:09


The Fall of the House of Hip E.

Caution, there is high-pitched screaming on this video, so keep the volume low.

Posted by Hip E.  2006-04-23 20:49:27 

Testing

Don't worry, it's supposed to be silent.  This is from the good old days.  Now that it appears I have figured out how to do this, keep checking back for more wacky videos.

Posted by Hip E.  2006-04-22  00:22:01


The Job Hunt, a short conversation

Scene:  Reid is driving Hip E. and Raphael down Harrison St. on the way to the Mission.    

Reid (squinting):  I almost got a job in a building down here.  I think it was that one.  ... No, it wasn't that one, but it was somewhere down here.

Raphael (pointing at famous gay bar):  Was it at Stud Bar?

Reid:  Ha Ha.

Hip E.:  Was it a blow job??

Posted by Hip E.  2006-04-21  11:20:54

Scientology A/V Club:  Straight from the horse's mouth

When it gets to this point I barely even hesitate to post stuff about Scientology because Band of Horses has more posts on the Jo-tel this month than PETE does. 

L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, was completely bonkers.  Witness, for example, these YouTube videos of L. Ron Hubbard talking about stuff.  On these first two, please ignore the video part and just listen to the words that are coming out of this guy's mouth.  The audio comes from the thousands of "instructional" tapes - recordings of lectures he gave on Scientology - which make up a large percentage of the "technology" or scripture of the cult.  High-level Scientologists pay thousands of dollars for "courses" which consist of listening to these tapes.  Go ahead and ignore the video on these, it is just some crappy cartoons drawn by some critic.  Almost all you need to know about this guy is contained in the fact that he pronounces the word galaxy  "guh-LAX-ee."

L. Ron Hubbard Tapes Part II (listen to this first)

L. Ron Hubbard Tapes Part I (listen to this second)

Some choice quotes from these pieces:

"They say that the cigarette causes lung cancer.  You've been hearing something of this, I'm sure.  Yeah, not smoking enough will cause lung cancer.  Not smoking enough will cause lung cancer."

"I notice that we all believe that Venus has a methane atmosphere and is unlivable.  I almost got run down by a freight locomotive the other day.  Didn't look very uncivilized to me.  I'm allergic to freight locomotives.  They - always running into you."

"There is saucer crews here.  There is all sorts of things here on Earth from the 5th Invader Force.  Very interesting.  This is directly and violently in opposition to the 4th Invader Force.  And the 5th Invader Force, out of its own protection, took over Venus - All relatively modern times - Took over Venus and tried to stabilize the Venusian.  If you called a 5th Invader, though, a Venusian he would probably shoot you out of hand, because it would be a horrible insult.  They merely monitor the government of Venus.  And they leave Mars strictly alone.  This is really roughly a run-down of the quote political situation in the solar system."

Keep in mind, he was not joking.  He said that he almost got hit by a train on Venus.  This is "reality" for high-level Scientologists like Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

Finally, here is a segment from Keith Olberman's show on MSNBC (?) in which noted critic Dr. David Touretzky speaks about Tom Cruise's claim that the silent birth doctrine doesn't apply to the mother:

Posted by Hip E.  2006-04-20  13:22:14


Band of Horses

Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   Band of horses.   

Posted by Band of Horses  2006-04-19  19:47:12

A Conversation (Overheard Outside Office)

SECRETARY: Why do they call them "visual site inspections?" Isn't that the same thing ... visual and site?

Posted by Shark  2006-04-17  23:41:21

Katie Holmes is a Scientologist

Tom Cruise is not getting any cooler or more normal: 

Asked whether their baby would be given a Catholic baptism, he said: "You can be Catholic and a Scientologist. You can be Jewish and be a Scientologist. But we're just Scientologists."

"Katie, too?" Sawyer asked.

"Katie, too," Cruise replied.

link

Posted by Hip E.  2006-04-15  10:32:33  


Fulfilling My Contractual Obligations

I'm drunk again so now is the time to post.  Well I don't have much interesting to say so I'll spice it up by not looking at the monitor.  No looking means more fun.  maybe not..  Now I'm looking atht eh refliction of my room in the windown next to my desk.  Skateboarding update post is upcoming.  Big news.  There is no way to explain what is going on in my room right now.  Shark:  "looks like Reid found the Interpol."  Raph:  "Shark, it looks like you're going to find MY Interpol."  

Shark:  "Looks like Reid found the crap."

Hip E.  2006-04-17  23:40:05

Let Me Spend a Quick Moment To Tell You How Awesome I Am Not

I am not awesome.  At one point I was.  For instance, back in college I could write an 'A' history paper in my sleep.  I was the president of my fraternity and crushed lots of girls.  In law school I was one of the top moot court competitors in the nation. My third year in law school I participated in three competitions, each in New York, and won each.  Most agree that this feat will never be matched by any moot courter ever again.  However, right now I am not awesome.  I work long hours.  I do not have much fun.  And in exchange I have established myself as an average law firm associate.  I do not like what I do because it is boring yet stressful.  When I come home I am in a bad mood.  I have a long commute.  I am unorganized and have trouble paying bills on time.  My car got broken into.  It cannot be fixed until next Tuesday.  I need my car.  It is an important part of my being an average lawyer.  I do not know what my car's registration looks like.  For some reason my Bank of America online account is not working.  I have been on hold with customer service for 25 minutes. I will have to stay up very late tonight writing something called a demurrer.  It is boring.  The last book I finished reading was Not The Castle by Kafka because I  haven't finished it yet and I started it months and months ago.  I want to become a high school teacher.  I had two beers on an empty stomach.  Everything is fine.  Really. 

Posted by Shark  2006-04-13  21:35:11

Commando: A Conversation from the Vault

Shark is pulling up jeans as he exits bedroom.  Shark's mother walks by.

SHARK'S MOTHER: Are you wearing underwear?
SHARK: No. I go commando now.
SHARK'S MOTHER: Commando?
SHARK: Ya, there's nothing at all wrong with it as far as I can tell.
SHARK'S MOTHER: Hm. 

             Shark's mother notices that Shark's fly is unzipped.

SHARK'S MOTHER: Well, you better zip up your fly or else your commando is going to pop out. 

Posted by Shark  2006-04-10 17:35:55

"Bush Was Right":  the video  

Linked to without comment.

Posted by Hip E.  2006-04-06  15:31:23



poopsperbook.xls

I was just reading Bill Simmons (AKA Sports Guy)'s mailbag column on ESPN.com Page 2 in which he answers emails from his readers when I saw this exchange:

Q: In your previous mailbag, Bob from Atlanta states that your book is 189 poops long. I have to call BS on this. First of all, who keeps track of such a stat? But beyond that, your book hit stores Oct. 1, 2005. That's only like 150 odd days. And I doubt he read at every stop. Plus there's no way he double dipped on enough days to cover the difference. This guy is the James Frey of poop stories. Take your 189 poops and go home Bob.
-- Kris, Franklin, Mass.

SG: You're right, 189 poops does seem a little high now that I'm thinking about it ... I wish I had a daytime talk show so I could berate Bob into admitting that he lied about the number. It wasn't 189 poops, was it, Bob? It was more like 89, wasn't it? But you lied. You lied to everyone. You lied to YOURSELF!

You guys know that I can't stand poor logic.  But what you might not know is that I also can't stand decent logic being used to reason from completely false assumptions to prove something that is not true.  Hey buddy, YOU might not be able to poo more than once a day, but don't project your own weaknesses onto others!  If I kept track of such things (and I should) I would not be surprised if I finished a 200-poop book in 100 days or less.  That's right, you heard me.  Have you ever heard of a little thing called "coffee" and "eating pizza for 3 out of 5 meals"??  What a loser.  I mean, if you only poo once a day, how do you get any reading done at all?

Posted by Hip E.  2006-04-06  14:29:16


This Just In: Tony Curtis and Ernest Bourgnine Are Idiots

A controvesy has been brewing that several Academy members did not even watch Brokeback Mountain because of its gay subject matter.  You knew there was some rationale reason why the derivative Crash won.  There's no controversy, however, about the actions of Academy voters Tony Curtis or Ernest Bourgnine.  This is because both actors admitted unabashedly to have avoided the film.  How can something that is given as much credence as the Academy Awards be decided by close-minded bigots that don't even watch all the friggin' film that are nominated for Best Picture!  Plus, I'm no film historian, but didn't Tony Curtis, in his younger years, play one of the cross-dressing grifters in the Billy Wilder's classic Some Like It Hot

Finally, this also just in: Tony Curtis and Ernest Bourgnine are not dead.  Who knew.

Posted by Shark  2006-04-04  20:16:21

Idea:

I'm not drunk enough, YET, but I just had an idea while peeing at halftime of the George Mason game.  Well not peeing AT halftime more peeing during  halftime.  Peeing at the toilet bowl.  On the toilet bowl was a bottle of L.A. Styles hair gel.  A funny phrase would be "heir gel."  Probably because PETE is in town, and he probably doesn't go anywhere without his L.A. Styles Hair Gel "Ludicrous Hold" high strength volumizing gel.  It sheens while it cleans.  But my idea was this, and I'm not drunk enough - YET - to put this into practice at all, but you could probably do some amazing things with gel and pubes.  I'm talking Mohawk.  The weird thing is that it was like 6 or 7 years ago that I first had the realization that you could shampoo and condition your pubes, because, hey, they are, after all is said and done, hair, right?  But I made that quantum leap in the Sigma Chi shower, looking at how late I was to class on the Campanile, which you can't even see from the Sigma Chi shower anymore because of the new building next door, like six or seven YEARS ago.  And it took me that long to make the next step, going through the natural progression from soap to shampoo to conditioner to hair gel.  While I'm at it I might as well take a minute to finish out this line of "thought."  Hmmmm.    ...

...

Male pattern balding?  ...  Salt and pepper?  ...  Man, this is going nowhere fast. 

Hat hair?    

Posted by Hip E.  2006-04-01  16:17:06



Views Through a Hangover

Shark (naked, points a toy revolver through the door at PETE):  BANG!

PETE:  So..  Shark..  how's it going?  ...  How does it feel to be 26?

Shark:  HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE HUNTED!!!!

      * * *

Shark:  Fat girls are people too.

Posted by Hip E.  2006-04-01  09:54:34  


Captain's Log 3/15 - 3/16/2006: If I Ever Make It Back to California Again I Want You All To Know I Love You*

*written while spending all night at my office to complete a motion for summary judgment due the next day

by Shark

 _____________________

for my parents:
there is your inspiration in everything I am

_____________________

6:00 p.m.:  Dale R. comes into my office to ask how I am doing.  She is very nice and looks concerned.  I return her concerns with platitudes that I may have once believed.  The only platitude that I now believe in is sleep.

6:20 p.m.: Deidre S. comes into my office.  She asks how I am doing and I try not to cry in my answer even though my throat is closing.  She is one the kindest people I have ever met.  She offers to go to dinner with me.  I decline.  Then after we talk for a bit about the surface of my waking depth - of which she cannot totally understand of course - I reconsider and ask to go to dinner.  She declines.  She is still nice.  I am just unhelpable. 

7:20 p.m.: I go into Richard F.'s office.  Richard is an awesome guy and a partner and if he asks me one question I know he's going to get my blathering story.  He does.  And he does.  He is concerned, but cannot prevent what is already going to happen tonight. 

10:00 p.m.: The construction of my motion changes dramatically.

10:29 p.m.: A major formatting problem looms on the horizen. 

10:40 p.m.: I decide to circumvent said formatting problem at all goddamn costs, realizing that I can't handle its cheese.

11:00 p.m.: I talk with Patsy.  She reaffirms her love for me and tells me that she believes in me to get through the night.  I am invigorated with new life for the first time tonight.

12:05 a.m.: I no longer feel time.

12:35 a.m.: I realize that I will not sleep ... and that I am a hero.  Deranged as I am.  Deranged.  I'm reminded of the appearance of the exteriors of old college dwellings in Berkeley after a syrupy spring rain. 

1:17 a.m.: I waste two minutes looking for this notebook.  And that after I looked at Pitchfork for a while and realized that I don't understand music. 

1:19 a.m.: I type the URL www.wolfdiary.com into my brower's address bar for absolutely no reason.  No such site exists ....

1:51 a.m.: Syrup is delicious.

3:20 a.m.: This is not a movie.  It is a TV show.

4:00 a.m. I take two ten minute naps from which I am awoken, under my desk, by the sound of my blackberry's pre-programmed alarm.  As I awake I realize the limits of my endeavor.  What am I doing?

4:21 a.m. Thoughts of co-workers finding out that I slept here begin to occupy my thoughts.  I think the building is on fire!  But it's just the smell of my hands. 

5:22 a.m.: Where are you Bob Barker?

5:50 a.m.: Even thinking about drinking more tea is a problem.  But admittedly not as much a problem as hiding the fact that I slept in my office from the rest of my firm.  The sun is starting to come up.  I am regaining strength - but losing time.  The sun will catch up fast.  I must not flag. 

6:30 a.m.: As the regular day approaches I realize that evening will not leave me like the opening of the firm does. 

7:10 a.m.: Put on your coat and open your sagging eyes.  You are a regular employee again.  Just like the air you breathe will always return to your lungs and your job will always become your regular frame and empty vessels will always, always pass each other in the night. 

Posted by Shark  2006-04-01  1:54:29

CAREFUL, POO ON THERE!

Comments:

From Stickler [68.67.151.1] - 4/27/06 6:01 PM

See what...South Park last night? Man Mear Pig = awsome!

On that note anyone seen that documentary about the environment with Al Gore. (silent pause)

Yeah me neither.

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 4/26/06 2:47 AM

From Thrill [24.7.57.14] - 2006-04-24 7:06 PM
     Yeah, that or "Chamber of Japanese people eating one another's shit and puke, as well as their own". 

From Load [12.180.32.66] - 2006-04-24 11:24 PM
     Does that video work for everyone else? 

Well it must work for somebody - it's on the internet!

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 4/26/06 2:38 AM

Wait, did everybody just see this?

From Thrill [71.105.110.159] - 4/26/06 12:57 AM

Also, The Great American Bathroom Book, Volume I, was my dad's ... you should all thank him (or at least me) for dropping that knowledge on you.

From Thrill [71.105.110.159] - 4/26/06 12:55 AM

Shark, "Stuck In The Middle" is by Stealers Wheel.  And you call yourself a music snob.....

From Hip - 4/25/06 1:46 AM

Actually, Maupow, I think you might be right.  I think we might have hashed this out right around the time of the great "Doublay is Trueblay" debate of twenty ought-four.

From Load [12.180.32.66] - 4/25/06 12:24 AM

Does that video work for everyone else? 

From Thrill [24.7.57.14] - 4/24/06 8:06 PM

Yeah, that or "Chamber of Japanese people eating one another's shit and puke, as well as their own". 

From maupow [128.223.242.8] - 4/24/06 8:02 PM

Funny, I always though it was a "Chamber of Whorrors," or maybe "Whorors" or "Whorers," anyway you get my drift.  If it wasn't that, though, it should have been. 

From Hip E. [204.215.135.126] - 4/24/06 11:50 AM

There is no "Chamber of Whores."  There used to be a "Chamber of Horrors", but Shark had to erase it when his Dad was going to fix his computer.

From Sigma Chi Pledges [65.172.32.86] - 4/24/06 9:11 AM

Chamber of Whores Chamber of Whores Chamber of Whores Chamber of Whores Chamber of Whores Chamber of Whores Chamber of Whores Chamber of Whores Chamber of Whores Chamber of Whores Chamber of Whores Chamber of Whores Chamber of Whores

From Band of Horses [64.81.50.140] - 4/21/06 6:02 PM

Nice blog.

From Hip E. [204.215.135.126] - 4/21/06 1:29 PM

Scientology expert David Touretzky on a morning radio show this week:

http://www.xenutv.com/radio/dst-042006.htm

Very good easy-listening rundown of "What Is Scientology?"

From Malkovich [204.215.135.126] - 4/20/06 12:46 PM

Sorry, that should be a semicolon instead of a period.

From Malkovich [204.215.135.126] - 4/20/06 11:49 AM

Malkovich malkovich.  Malkovich.

From Hip E. [204.215.135.126] - 4/20/06 11:48 AM

Hot Karl, I can never thank you enough for that link.

From Hot Karl [70.178.222.218] - 4/20/06 9:43 AM

Well, I wouldn't have been surprised. Baby-cues are not unheard of.

From Shark - 4/19/06 10:01 PM

He loves it, therefore he shits. 

From Hip E. [204.215.135.126] - 4/19/06 1:55 PM

It looks like the placenta thing was some kind of joke:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xm5x7-A3luw&search=scientology

 lame.

From Hip E. [204.215.135.126] - 4/19/06 1:53 PM

Hot Karl -

I saw that placenta thing on The Superficial.  I wasn't able to confirm if he actually said that or if it was just some crazy British tabloid thing, but I really hope he said it.  Wow.  The Cruise is like Barry Bonds to Michael Jackson's Hank Aaron.

See above for some more groovy Scientology links.

From Hip E. [204.215.135.126] - 4/19/06 1:50 PM

Magda -

I'm pretty sure that nobody is supposed to make any noise around the baby.  Noises are liable to cause engrams. 

From Gabbeh [65.172.32.86] - 4/19/06 12:13 PM

What does this shitting match consist of?  Is it biggest shit? Longest shit?  Nastiest?  Most in day?  Also, I found this great website:  www.ratemypoo.com

From Pliska in Portland [149.175.207.180] - 4/19/06 12:01 PM

I only shit once a day about.  But boy, what a shit! 

And you are right Johnny D.  I surrender.

From linda [63.170.97.131] - 4/19/06 10:44 AM

Hip E will beat anybody in a shitting match: He loves it more.

From Johnny D [67.109.58.150] - 4/18/06 11:27 PM

Pliska, if you want to get into a shitting match, we know damn well I'll beat you.  Sports guy, eat your heart out.

From Magda [71.106.201.6] - 4/18/06 5:42 PM

Apparently the mother can make all the noise she wants.  It's everyone else in the room that has to shut the fuck up.

From Hot Karl [70.178.222.218] - 4/18/06 10:31 AM

OK that link's not working now, but let me offer this Taiwanese news website article instead. If it seems like I'm reaching, it's just because I know how big Tom is around here.

http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2006-04/18/content_4444133.htm 

From Stickler [68.67.151.1] - 4/15/06 5:26 PM

I give Katie Holmes 2 minutes 20 seconds from the time her water breaks to the time she breaks the rules of scientology and starts screaming!  Then I give Tom Cruise 2 days before he breaks up with her and steals the child because she started screaming!

From maupow [64.13.13.51] - 4/14/06 3:05 PM

Shark, in case I never said so before:  Congrats on the job!!

From Britt [64.122.14.76] - 4/14/06 2:28 PM

poor Shark! Hurry up and mail me a Shasta deposit (ALL OF YOU!) so you have something to look forward to.

From Pliska in Portland [24.22.83.12] - 4/12/06 4:08 PM

I was reading a book on John Wayne Gacy the other day and I thought I was reading Pet Rock Productions. 

And for the record, go fuck yourself Johnny D.

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 4/11/06 11:22 PM

Patsy:  "Jay!  Are your vagina juices hallucinogenic??"

 Jay:  "No."

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 4/11/06 11:20 PM

Ha Ha.  No seriously, congratulations Karl and Melissa.  The L_______s really know how to apply the pressure!  Just kidding, L_______s!!!

From Pliska in Portland [149.175.207.59] - 4/11/06 4:09 PM

Congrats to Hot Karl and his bride to be, Dirty Sanchez.

From linda [63.170.97.131] - 4/11/06 11:55 AM

Hot Karl is engaged to be married.  Congratulations!

From Thrill [24.7.57.14] - 4/10/06 9:17 PM

Interestingly enough, Johnny D's desire to get into Brian's Head is driven by his inability to get into Lady A's.

From Pliska in Portland [24.22.83.12] - 4/10/06 8:18 PM

The head?  I thought everyone called it the bathroom now.

From Shark - 4/10/06 7:56 PM

Can someone please come up with a good dome-ination joke here.  I can think of one.  Thanks.

- Shark

From johnny d [67.109.58.150] - 4/10/06 7:44 PM

My firm has a project called Brian's Head, I would love to do some engineering in Brian's Head.

From Reid to Sosia [65.113.47.50] - 4/10/06 4:15 PM

If Sosia by chance decides to read this comment, I just want to remind you how much I fucked up.  Sorry.  Enjoy your trip and good luck with the jobs.

From Stickler [70.36.213.25] - 4/7/06 8:37 PM

I just wanted to step in and state that I am on the 2 poop a day routine.  Like clockwork; when I get up in the morning before I take my shower and the other about 2 hours after lunch.  I think if you train your poop to come out at certain times it always will and I believe two a day is pretty standard. 

Which leads me to believe math can solve this problem. There are roughly 180 days from the post and the book is 358 pages long. 

x = 358/SPT

where X must be less than or equal to 180 to remain true.

On average a person probably can read 5 pages during a poop session.  so SPT(standard poop time) would be pages read(R) by poops taken per day(P).

 If

P = 2 and R= 5

SPT = R*P

SPT = 10

Inserted into the equation 

X = 358/SPT or X = 358 / 10 

X = 35.8

X therefore is true and the guy is not a lier, even not reading during every sitting he still would have accomplished the task in at least 2 months. 

 

 

From Hip E. [204.215.135.126] - 4/7/06 6:58 PM

Fitting that Gabe, a reformed ex-Catholic, just described hell.

"And YOU, Hip E., I've saved something special for you.  You will spend eternity taking poos all day and all night, in a brightly lit luxury stall (aka handicapped stall), BUT YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO READ.  How do you like them apples, bitch!!!"

-God

From Merz [65.119.191.46] - 4/7/06 11:59 AM

Hip E. - Check this out. It explains a lot.

source: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/gossip/story/406398p-344125c.html

What sixtysomething superstar of stage, film and song may be haunted by a home sex movie she made back when she was in her prime? Someone who's seen it tells us, "It may be her greatest performance ever." ... Tom Cruise says his late father, Tom Cruise Mapother III, was a "bully and a coward." The "Mission: Impossible 3" star says his dad "was the kind of person where, if something goes wrong, they kick you. It was a great lesson in my life, how he'd lull you in, make you feel safe and then, bang!" Cruise's mother, Mary Lee, left her husband, taking Tom, then 12, and his sister, Lee Anne. His parents divorced in 1974. Ten years later, clearer thanks to Scientology, Cruise reunited with his father, then in his late 40s and dying of cancer. "When I saw him in pain," he tells Parade, "I thought, 'Wow, what a lonely life.'"

From Hip E. [204.215.135.126] - 4/6/06 4:39 PM

I don't know about "sparking", but I can verify that Katon-Rouge has been getting "sparked up" since McSweeney was but a gleam in his mother's eye.  

From Stickler [70.36.213.25] - 4/6/06 1:39 AM

What is sparks, I have never heard of it?  Is it like jolt?

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 4/5/06 6:53 PM

I can verify.  The PUMA's consumption of Sparks is what led to the creation of the word "sparking", which refers to The PUMA's mental state after downing half a dozen or so cans, leaving his teeth orange, my keg bucket destroyed, and The Jungle flooded.

Sparks is the crack cocaine of Russian Hill. 

From The Big Kat [209.150.74.25] - 4/5/06 6:25 PM

I drank Sparks before Sparks was cool. This is a fact.

From Pliska in Portland [24.22.83.12] - 4/5/06 5:53 PM

*and vodka

From Pliska in Portland [24.22.83.12] - 4/5/06 5:52 PM

I think several epic Peetoom stories involved Sparks

From Pliska in Portland [24.22.83.12] - 4/5/06 5:52 PM

I think several epic Peetoom stories involved Sparks and

From linda [63.170.97.131] - 4/5/06 4:47 PM

"Sparks," by Christopher Batement, courtesty of McSweeneys:

One Saturday morning, body aching from a night of intoxication, I stepped out of my bedroom to find my roommate and two friends in my apartment. They were consuming Sparks, in a general state of excitement. It was obvious the stuff had worked upon them, giving their eyes an alarming, focused glaze. One of my friends made berserk gestures as he exhorted me to join them. I put back two tallboys. At first, I felt a little giddy, like I was riding a small swing, or a pony. Thirty minutes later, I thought my head was in a microwave. I heard noises of young rattlesnakes. My eyes were abuzz and I was sure my vision was somehow crackling. These symptoms subsided after I induced vomiting and lay hyperventilating for 20 minutes.

In short, I can neither recommend nor warn against Sparks until I have tested it more rigorously.

From Hip E. [204.215.135.126] - 4/5/06 3:05 PM

Yeah, but there should be another link to it prominently placed in the main section too.  For luck.

From Shark [63.198.166.227] - 4/5/06 11:42 AM

It's that thing that says "March 06" under the "Archives" heading.  Welcome to your blog. 

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 4/5/06 1:23 AM

I don't know how to do this stuff.  Where is the link to March?


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