"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."
- Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint
Some Time This Century
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Hip E.
- Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
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PETE
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CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
Hip E.
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Generation (1977)
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PETE
- Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)
Johnny D
- Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it (1980)
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- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3 (1999)
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- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)
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NYE + I'm Drunk on Wine and Beer = This Blog Post, or: Look At Me I'm Posting This Picture I Found on the Internet Two Weeks Ago!!?!
Hola. Es New Years Eye y, por supuesto, yo estoy muy boracho. Uf! Mira este pintura, putas:
... oh poo, I can't find it now.
Posted by Shark 9:23pm 12/31/04
Pete's Christmas Present: Music. Tons of it.
I didn't have many presents under the tree this year. Since I'm not working for 5 weeks and thus, not being paid, my parents' gift this year was help with rent. Great gift. Money. Exactly what I need. However, I do have other people who buy me gifts and this year the theme was definitely CDs. Actually... it wasn't so much a theme as a stringent rule. I didn't receive one book (probably good because my reading and finishing of books has been downright pitiful as of late). I didn't receive one DVD (though I did treat myself to Simpsons Season 5). But I did receive a grip of CDs. Furthermore, I have used the power of iTunes to rip even more CDs off my various friends and associates. Yes... the Jo-Tel has truly made off like bandits this year. Here is a complete list of all the new music I have received since touching down in the Chi. Some I know are repeats, such as GYBE's F#A#(Infinity) and the soundtrack to "The Harder They Come" but they're all new to my iTunes digital library... and "The Harder They Come" version that I have is the deluxe reissue double disc which is definitely new. So... here's the list.Johnny D. I suggest you read the list very slowly. You are the only Jo-Telier who I think can fully appreciate the breadth and scope of this selection of music. Try not to cream yourself more than is necessary.
Belle & Sebastian
-If You're Feeling Sinister
-3..6..9 Seconds Of Light
-Dog On Wheels
-Lazy Line Painter Jane
Stereolab
-Margarine Eclipse
-Transient random Noise Bursts With Announcements
-ABC Music. The BBC Radio 1 Sessions (2 discs)
Mogwai
-My Father My King
-Happy Songs For Happy People
-Young Team
Tortoise
-TNT
-Millions Now Living Will Never Die
Thievery Corp.
-The Mirror Conspiracy
-Sounds From The Thievery Hi-Fi
Godspeed You Black Emperor
-F#A#(Infinity)
-Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas To Heaven (2 discs)
Shake Sauvage, French Soundtracks 1968-1973
Vampyros Lesbos, Sexadelic Dance Party
(Both of the above albums are porno movie soundtrack music from Europe. Both of the above albums are also insanely good)
Crap Engine-Crap Engine
Justin Petertil-Cute Hors D'Oeuvres
Violence Ammunition-music made in chicago (2 discs)
(All four of the albums above are from Chicago bands in which I know at least one of the members. The above bands and albums are good to really good)
Animal Collective-Sung Tongs
Antônio Carlos Jobim-Stone Flower
Cesaria Evora-Club Sodade
Ernest Ranglin-Below The Bassline
Frank Zappa-Hot Rats
The Mothers Of Invention-We're Only In It For The Money
Tom Waits-Rain Dogs
Neil Young-On The Beach
St. Germain-Boulevard
Massive Attack-Mezzanine
Pavement-Wowee Zowee
Stephen Malkmus-Self Titled
k-os -Joyful Rebellion
Manu Chao-Clandestino
Neko Case-The Tigers Have Spoken
KRS-One presents Peedo and the Luna Empire-Mix Tape
Saul Williams-Self Titled
The Sea and Cake-The Fawn
Phish-The Siket Disc (lost at Wilson's wedding, now found)
Hip Hop Rai-Algerian hip hop mix CD (interesting)
Breakestra-The Live Mix Part 1
Badly Drawn Boy-The Hour Of Bewilderbeast
Miles Davis-The Complete Bitches Brew Sessions (4 discs)
The Congos-Heart Of The Congos (2 discs)
The Harder They Come, Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (2 discs)
That's it so far. I still have yet to scratch the surface of Condon's reggae collection, and there are evindently some more Zappa and Belle & Sebastian albums floating around for me to burn.
Merry Christmas Jo-Tel! With these 50+ discs we should be good for music well into mid-January!
Posted by PETE 12/30/04 2:11pm
Beck, A Scientologist: How to Deal
I like Beck. Odelay, Mutations, and One Foot in the Grave are all classic albums. However, I've just discovered that Beck is a Scientologist, which makes him crazy and stupid. Apparently, in 2001, two members of his band walked away from the group, complaining that the singer's ties with Scientology were too much for them to take. Beck is rumored to have been turned on to Scientology, an insane cult, by his father (a ten-year Scientologist) and his bass player. Beck is also rumored to have dumped Winona Ryder at about the same time that he began dabbling in the "teachings" of Scientology. (Maybe he thought that bad body thetans were hidding in Winona's superb rack?)
The dilemma now becomes: how to deal with this knowledge when listening to a Beck album. I have a few options:
- disown Beck and scoff at those that listen to his music;
- listen quietly whenever someone else plays his music, but never, on my own, rock his shit; or
- continue to rock his shit.
I wish, devoted reader, that the Jo-tel was a place that provided answers to these and other thorny ontological inquiries. But unfortunately the Jo-tel's powers of elucidation only reach so far and I, at the moment, am at a loss as to how my musical appreciation for Beck should react to my troubling discovery. Please address any recommendations you might have to the comments section. Thank you.
Posted by Shark 12/27/04 12:53pm
Long, Lost MS Word Files
I finally downloaded Thrill's copy of MS Office for my Powerbook which he gave me like 2 months ago. It's nice for a number of reasons, foremost among them being that I was able to recover all the stuff I wrote using Word before the 30 day free trial that came packaged with the computer expired, and I had to switch to TextEdit. Most of the files were Onion-esque fake news items (not as funny, obviously), remnants of my days as head writer for a college humor paper called the Hamster, which my friend Jonah started and which basically sucks except for my, his, and Kerns' contributions. Still, I plan to post most of my old articles eventually on a separate page, working title: "PETE's 'Hire Me, The Onion' Page". Here's something I wrote just under a year ago while stuck in an airport trying to visit some friends in DC. It was never really meant for public viewing but well... what the hell? It'll only be here for a limited time before it's banished to the archives, which is good because it's just a tad mean spirited... just to fat people and loud ugly babies but still, a bit excessive. Some of my best friends were loud, ugly babies. Anyhow:I’m Stuck in an airport for the next 9 hours.
Okay, let me tell you about the BULLSHIT that just went down here. I’m listed on this flight for stand-by right? So…usually how that works, for those of you not in the know, is that after all the paying customers board the flight, if there are any seats left, us lowly stand-by people get them. Now, as a general rule we are treated like shit. While I was waiting in the terminal for my name to be called the janitor kept clipping the back of my knees with his mop and running away. I told him to stop but he wouldn’t and the people at the gate thought it was hilarious. The general rule in airports is that you aren’t treated with courtesy until you have a boarding pass in hand. So there I am, waiting, and here comes this chick behind the counter:
“Attention all stand-by customers: we have a ‘weight restriction’ on this flight so unfortunately we wont be able to board anyone who isn’t a paying customer.”
Excuse me? A weight restriction? On a fucking giant piece of metal flying through the air? It’s a giant piece of fucking metal for God’s sake. I am a man of average height and build with two small bags. Me + my bags + airplane = airplane.00000000001. Am I the only one who sees this? You could add ten people my size and it shouldn’t matter. I would understand telling some dude that who wanted to check his car… or maybe like a blacksmith headed to a blacksmith competition with his anvil… fuck.
My next thought, because I’m an asshole, was that an unusually obese passenger load was what prevented me, and the rest of us stand-byers, from boarding. Maybe the gate person saw all the big asses and just had to make the call. If I may step off topic for a second here, I think there should be an airline that exclusively caters to fat people and babies. Not all babies – some babies can be quiet and/or are cute. I’m talking just the ugly babies that can’t shut the fuck up for a few goddamn hours and let me watch The Wedding Planner in peace. Most people hate nothing more than getting on a flight and seeing a baby in their vicinity and a morbidly obese person in their row. It doesn’t really matter where they are, it’s a guaranteed fuck for the whole duration of the flight. One fat person throws off the whole seat space equilibrium in the row. So even if they don’t sit next to you the poor shit who has to is all leaning in on you. If they do sit next to you, you can just as well kiss that armrest good bye and prepare for a nice round of shoulder cramps.
Then there’s going to the bathroom. Fat people love taking shits on airplanes. It’s a fact. If they’re by the window, that’s guaranteed a fat ass in your face at least once…make that twice because they have to come back. A fat person is simply not built for the complex dance that is climbing over people to get into the aisle. They alternately press different parts of their grotesque anatomy into your face, forcing you into the fetal position squatting on your chair and they never ever apologize because, you know… that would be an indirect admission of their lack of coordination. I can’t fucking BELIEVE I’m not on that plane. FUCK! Also, fat people always seem to want to move their bowels when you have moved everything from your carry-on onto your tiny tray table: book, CD player, Laptop, plus a half full cup on ginger ale. Then, while you’re scrambling to find a place to store all the stuff, they get all impatient. Settle down asshole. Eat your trail mix. So after you move all your shit, you have to wait for them to get back because it would be useless to get comfortable again… or at least you’d think. However, you often fail to take into account that normal people didn’t eat a whole buffalo for their last meal and wash it down with a tall, cool glass of mayonnaise. So you sit there with all you shit in your lap for about 30 minutes and just when you’ve forgotten the foul beast in the seat adjacent, BAM! They lumber back, 20 lbs lighter but probably hungry (just a guess). However, the 20lbs doesn’t really help their case when they need to settle their slightly less enormous girth back into their window seat. So you put all you stuff back on the table, relinquish the arm rest and wait another hour or so before the whole cheesecake they ate for desert hits. This being the rule rather than the exception, you’d think that when a fat person is fortunate enough to get an aisle seat, they’d remember all those unfortunate souls from other flights but Noooooo, of course not. Nothing a fat person hates more than having to undo his seat belt and pry his ass out of an airline seat. “Excuse me sir, can I…” Fat person: (rolls eyes, takes deep, highly annoyed breath in preparation for unexpected physical exertion) “Sure…” (slowly, slooooowly, gets out of his or her seat) lets you out.
Plus they smell.
So anyways, this airline with the fat people and the babies, you could call it oh, I don’t know… ATA? It would be great, a boon for the industry. So many more people would fly if they knew they wouldn’t have to risk sitting next to a fat person or a loud baby. On this airline, the seats should not be any bigger that normal seats, let ‘em sit three in a row and shit their pants. This airline can also be punishment for anyone who decides to be an asshole on a normal carrier, like the people who get all testy about shit and who think they’re owed something. Yeah, a swift kick in the grill and banishment to ATA. I say ATA because basically they’re the closest already. Also, they have the added bonus annoyance of having the tiniest overhead bins in the sky. Anything bigger than a lunch box? Check that shit.
“I’m sorry sir, but that bag is too big for our overhead bins. You’re going to have to check it.”
“But it’s my over-night kit!”
“Well maybe next time you’ll think twice about bringing a full-sized tube of tooth paste on a trip that’s only lasting a week. Thanks for flying ATA!”
Phew! Quite an off topic trek. Back to why the fuck there was a weight limit and why, subsequently, I am stuck sitting in this airport for the next… 8 hours now. Sweet. I can almost just sleep until I get to board. Okay, so either the plane was full of fat asses, or some dude had a giant cargo shipment of lead shot, OR, most likely, there was no reason, and United is just stupid and I hate it.
Here’s the worst part: they said that if people didn’t show up they’d give their seats away. See, like 8 passengers had yet to check in so presumably they had 8 seats which were not covered by the weight restriction. Silly stupid me I though when they said give their seats away, I just went ahead and presumed it would be to other people. Evidently however, there was lots of empty space that wanted to get to DC too because when three of the passengers didn’t manage to show up, instead of giving the seats to stand-by peeps, they just gave them away period. After they announced this final punch in the sack, the janitor crept up behind me and got me really good in the spine with his metal dustpan. So here I am on page four of “Why I’m stuck at SFO”, meanwhile a whole shit load of empty space and fat people are on their way to Dulles.
Oh, I should probably mention that it wouldn’t have been practical to go all the way home since I would have had a good 4 hours of sleep and had to pay another 7 bones in BART fare. Fuck that. I got my DVDs, my CDs, two books and my journal. Also, I deprived myself of sleep on purpose last night which is gonna come in handy here in about 30 minutes to an hour when I find an acceptable place to doze off. Also, some sassy latin has been sitting across from me all night and we’ve been the only two people in the airport who aren’t employees. She’s currently looking through an English phrasebook after her initial attempts at communicating with me were thwarted by the diabolical language barrier, hopefully looking for “lets bone, I need it so bad. Oooooooo.” Then again, I bet she could get the basic gist of that across without the whole English thing. Still, that would be cool either in English or en espanol. I’d have to change the name of this article to “Oh my GOD I just boned some chick in an airport!” Here’s a question: if you bone a chick in an airplane, you join the Mile High Club. What do you get for an airport? The Dirty Bastard Club? Because I’m pretty sure I’m already in that…
THE END
Posted by PETE 12/26/04 1:47pm
Atkins Madness!
So I got home and my mom had gotten some Lite Orange juice... I'll just say first off that up until I opened the fridge and saw it in there, I was unaware that such a product even existed. Lite orange juice? Ins't orange juice like one of the healthiest things there is? Evidently not... in this current state of fucked up dieting priorities orange juice has too much sugar... and too many carbs. Needless to say the lite orange juice, "made with real orange juice from concentrate" into a "lite orange juice beverage" tastes like shit. If you want to simulate the flavor, pour yourself a tall glass of water, add two packets of Sweet and Low, and then pour in a drop or two of regular OJ.I was going to take this opportunity to go on my long overdue Atkins diet rant, but I don't feel like it really. Dr. Atkins knows how I feel. I'll just say this: any person who thinks that a diet in which you must avoid bread, but are allowed to consume as much bacon as you want, is an idiot, end of story. And I don't care if it works. So does starving. So does cocaine. So does vomitting after meals. The Atkins diet is one of those ideas, much like the concept of a Judeo-Christian God, which falls to reason under even the most cursory examination...
Think about it.
Posted by PETE 12/26/04 12:50
Obsession with Fiery Furnaces Chick Reaches "Full-Blown" Status
"Catamaran Man you're my cousin, you're my blood, you're ten feet tall and tan from the sun after sailing all day," sings the aptly-named Eleanor Freidburger of the Fiery Furnaces, a talented musician towards whom I harbor a healthy obsession. It's not that she's super hot. She's got the standard indie looks: sinewy build, long, disheveled hair, cocksure attitude, somewhat malnurished-looking facial features. Basically though, as long as she weighed less than Kirstie Alley I probably still would have been fascinated by her because the bitch can sing a song. I'd love to see what she's like to hang out with.
Eleanor, if you're reading this, maybe you'd like to hang out at the Jo-tel. You know, just chill, relax by my fireplace, engage in stimulating conversation, maybe burn a yule log ... we'll see what happens. Don't worry, I'm not psycho or anything. I guess your brother Matthew can come too. He can hang out with Johnny D.
Anyway, I've never been into Lohan like PETE, or Yoko like Hip E. I'm more of a Scarlett Johansson type (although I heard she's a bitch). But I think Eleanor Freidburger is just the right playful obsession for me at this juncture in my life. Sing to me, sweet Eleanor: "Catamaran Man ... roll a fag just for fun and dream of the waves and your sails turning round."
Posted by Shark 12/25/04 6:20pm
Merry Christmas from Chicago, Portland, and LA
Perhaps when they get around to it, Shark and Hip E. will add their own tales of Christmas Cheer. Here's mine: I was slated to arrive in Chicago at just after midnight on the 23rd (that being the early morning of Christmas Eve). However, snow storms all over the Midwest caused my flight to be delayed 3 hours. Ordinarily I would be pissed but well, it was almost Christmas and I figured I could use the time to finish up my post about passing out while beating it. The delay is only important because when I finally arrived at Chicago Midway around 4:30am, it was right as the early morning shift was getting started. Since it was still only 1:00am pacific time, I wasn't all that tired but I figured I'd get some coffee anyhow. The only coffee place open was the snack bar by the baggage claim and as I approached the counter, I could immediately tell that the guy behind it was just as unhappy as me about being in an airport at 4:30am, rightly so and possibly more so because he was going to have to spend the next 8 hours serving grumpy ass, cold ass people like myself. The guy looked about my age, maybe a bit older, black dude, hair pulled back in a make-shift pony tail like he had just washed it but was going to get it fixed later. I must repeat: he did NOT look to be in good spirits at all. I ordered my coffee, he nodded almost imperceptably and turned around to fill the order. As he was ringing me up one of the security guards came over and leaned on the counter next to me.
"Hey Terry"
"Hey Janice..."
"So... Tonight's the night eh?"
He cracked a smile, which quickly spread across his whole face - his first one of the day to my knowledge. "Yep... To-night IS the night."
"How are you gonna ask her?"
"Well... it's gonna be at dinner..."
I didn't really want to impose on their conversation, and since I had just gotten my change, I walked off - but I hope things went well for Terry, and his girlfriend said yes.
Right now you should have that warm and fuzzy feeling inside... unless you're Shark, and you have no emotions, or you're Hip E., and you're instead getting that awkward feeling that makes you momentarily change the channel on the TV.
Now... to go back to talking about slamhogs, poop, and Les Savy Fav.
Posted by PETE 12/25/04 3:00pm
Johnny D: True P.I.M.P.
You may have already read about the Dance... of the Tiger elsewhere. I have refrained from posting about it because really, I didn't even want to attempt to describe how funny it was. I've been trying to find a way to host streaming video online so everyone can see for themselves, but have thus far met with minimal success. However, I feel that one aspect of Johnny D's night of 1000 fuegos has gone unmentioned and under-appreciated for too long: the line he used to pick up the hot bartender at the Blue Light.I supposed I should preface this tale with some advice I gave Johnny D earlier that evening. I said "Look Johnny D. I'm sick of you not having all the Pimp Juice that you should have, so I want you to understand that no woman, no matter how hot, is ever too hot for you to talk to. A lot of guys who you might think are better looking, you have to remember that those guys are huge tools. However, it's best that you not hit on bartenders. They get hit on so much that they're bitter and jaded. Best to just take your pick from the girls in the bar who aren't working."
Johnny D didn't listen.
Both Thrill and I had left Blue Light for some other Cow Hollow shit box, but Johnny D remained behind because he had convinced the manager to put on a pot of fresh, non-decaf coffee. When he had inquired previously with the hot bartender as to the availability of such a beverage she informed him that they only had decaf ready, and she was positive because had there been regular coffee, she herself would have been drinking it.
Johnny D took note.
When the coffee was ready, he ordered two. When she asked him if he wanted room for cream and sugar, Johnny D slapped a come hither look on his grill and replied, "That depends... on how you like your coffee."
That, ladies and gentlemen, is a smooth ass line. And it worked. Johnny D had succeeded where so many have failed: getting the digits of a hot bartender. All it took was a little perseverance and not listening to me... both good ideas when it comes to broads.
I salute you, Johnny D.
Posted by PETE 12/24/04 2:07pm
A Cautionary Tale. (If we've already used this heading, I apologize)
(Note: I wrote this post yesterday mostly while in the airort being laid over on account of snow. I am now home in Chicago)...
So I just woke up and I'm pretty sure I passed out masturbating again. I say again not because I do this often (although there have been some close calls) but because I've done it once before and the tell-tale signs were all there. I don't think I need to go into what those are but I'm pretty sure most of you can figure it out.
There are two main risk factors that greatly improve your chances of passing out masturbating: alcohol and new pornography. You come home plastered, you KNOW you're too drunk to be masturbating (for any number of reasons) but you also know that you just downloaded Trailer Trash Nurses 6 and well... Trailer Trash Nurses 5 was so good that you feel you can't wait. So you go for it... Sometimes it goes well. Sometimes you pay the ultimate price... being found and photographed.
I recommend that in order to minimize the chances of this happening to you, at the very least make sure you're in your own room and that the door is locked. However, we all know how good people are at remembering things when they're drunk...
Like the first time this happened to me while I was still living out by Golden Gate park with Johnny D and the Puma. It was a while ago but I remember La Barca margaritas being involved. I also remember walking the 2-3 miles home from La Barca by myself because the Puma and Thrill had jumped in a cab while I was still inside the bar and I had no bones and my drunken logic compelled me to get some exercise...
When I was about half way home, I received a call from Thrill, informing me that they had been kicked out of the cab because the Puma had started throwing up everywhere and that they were now lost and would also be walking. They also had with them an orange traffic cone... the cone is not important. However, their delay became even more welcome when I managed by chance to catch the 5 night owl bus, which I saw coming just as I crossed McAllister on Divisadero. I thus reasoned that I would probably have enough time to toss one out in the living room (which housed the VCR) before they returned. It bares mentioning that, at the time, I assumed Johnny D was not at home. He was.
I returned home, popped in a tape and got to work... Thrill and Katon returned home a bit later to find me passed out on the couch, pants around my ankles, porn blaring, cock in hand... snoring like a lumberjack. Their howls of laughter awoke Sweet Johnny D from his slumber. He walked out into the hallway and upon seeing the aforementioned spectacle immediately turned back into his room to get a camera.
Johnny D, for those not in the know, has lots of cameras. However, not one is what you could call a "normal" camera. They're all from eastern European countries that no longer exist and none of them was manufactured after 1970. Johnny D has to go to special film stores to get special film for his special cameras. As he was loading his special camera with special film, Johnny D did that thing that Johnny D is known for doing: he fucked up. He dropped the rather sizable film canister which made such a loud noise that it actually woke me up. I remember seeing the Puma, Thrill and Johnny D hustling into the hallway, giggling like school girls and I immediately assumed that they had been in the middle of writing on me with permanent markers, or "cheifing me," as it is commonly called. I jumped up from the couch and pulled my pants up, though I don't remember finding it odd that my pants were not already up. I walked into the bathroom and saw that there was no marker on my face, so I went and passed out again. The porn I left on.
The Puma informed me of all the night's events in the morning. My initial thought was "Wow... At least I didn't shit myself or piss myself." My second thought was "Wow... did I just think that? How bad of a night of drinking do you have that the best you can say in the morning is at least you didn't piss or shit yourself?"
That time I was lucky. This time it remains to be seen. If photographs were taken I fully expect them to be posted with all possible speed. Rest assured though, I will not be so foolhardy with the next installment of Trailer Trash Nurses.
Posted by PETE 12/24/04
IT'S A TIE!
Johnna Newson and Ghostface surprise everyone!
Posted by Shark 12/21/04 3:30pm
PFM Bet Update: Johnny D Poised to Upset
Pitchfork just released its Top 50 Singles of 2004. Two unfortunate occurances that bode poorly for my chances to defeat Johnny D as expected: the conspicuous absence of Mission of Burma's "Dirt" and the surprising #1 rank of Annie's "Heartbreak". The Top 50 albums come out tomorrow. Son of a bitch, I'm actually nervous.
Posted by Shark 12/21/04 11:19pm
A Day in the Life
An excerpt from Hip E.'s journal, 2/11/01:
Bad Things That Happened to Me Today
1. Drink machine wouldn't take dollar bill
2. Pushed Arctic Shatter button, got Fruit Punch
3. Hotmail account mysteriously closed
4. Found out book bag is in car garage in SF
Good Things That Happened To Me Today1. Watched Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
2. Am doing EE100 homework
3. Didn't worry about calling Jen[n]
4. Sore from lifting weights
5. Ate cheap rice
6. Didn't cave after bad things
7. Awoke to piles of clean, laundered clothes
8. Called parents
9. Wore new Gap shirt
Posted by Shark 12/20/04 4:23pm
Dear Dante, I've read your Divine Comedy and I'd like to commend you on a nice little set of images. It's hard to imagine a better conceived structure for the Christian afterlife. However, I should inform you that because of recent developments in science and critical thinking we've realized that the conceptual underpinnings of your poem are not sound. Well, for starters, God does not exist. So there's that. Also, the solar system is not geocentric. So the nine "heaven" structure of Heaven (the Moon being the first ring and then Mars, all the way to Saturn and then the stars [FN1]) doesn't really work for me, although it does allow the structure of Heaven to nicely mirror the nine rings of Hell, which is nice.
Hey, speaking of Hell, the real purpose of this post to tell you that, of all the celestial realms that you depict, if I had to choose one, I would choose Limbo, the first ring of Hell. Limbo, you write, is reserved for those that lived blameless and noble lives but died unbaptized. You describe a verdant meadow illuminated by the light of reason. The meadow leads up to a "seven-walled castle" inside whose walls dwell an awe-inspiring array of brilliant minds, including Plato, Aristotle, Horace, Odysseus, Caesar, Homer, and Virgil, your noble guide himself. There is no punishment there and the atmosphere is, you admit, peaceful. In fairness, however, you do describe Limbo as "sad" and somewhat overcast.
Well, San Francisco is cloudy and I like living here. LA is sunny but sort of sucks. So, when you describe Heaven as the origin of an "increasingly intense light" I start to think of LA and how badly most of the bars there suck. Also, I can't imagine that hanging out with Saint Francis of Assisi or Bede the Venerable is that much different from hanging out with vapid LA fun boys or that speaking with the "Virgin" Mary is that much better than trying to get into the pants of cardboard cut-out SoCal face-sluts.
While we're on the topic face-sluts, let's talk quickly about Beatrice, the unrequited love of your perhaps virginal life. Her magestic presence in Heaven is, in my opinion, the most honest aspect of the entire comedy. It's ironic (I believe dramatically) that the carnal lust that you banished to the sixth ring of Hell seems to actually motivate your entire creative endeavor. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But you seem to think there is. Seriously, Alighieri, let's just cut all this polite crap, you really wanted to bone Beatrice but instead you wimped out and she died and you spent the rest of your life masturbating to her memory and writing a 100 canto dedication to your unfulfilled horniness that doubled as an excuse for you to glorify the misguided valor of your unvictorious neo-Guelph religious nut-buddies. Goodbye Dante, your philosophy sucks. I will not renounce earthly pleasure. I will continue to lust and sloth and be a good and decent person. So Virgil, I'll see you in Limbo, with the rest of the Jo-Tel. We'll bring the keg ...
Signed,
Shark
FN1: Oh ya, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto exist, which fucks up your number sceme, but I don't blame you for that because no one knew about that shit until the mid-Renaissance
Posted by Shark 12/20 4:02pm
Driving Safely, Responsibly on the Other Side of the Double Yellow
Oh good, traffic school ALSO costs $20-$25 on top of the $25 traffic school fee I paid along with my $150 bail and $9.95 "Convenience Fee". Man, it's so CONVENIENT having all that extra space in my wallet! Now I'll have room for a list of the names and addresses of the people who are responsible for the fact that the intensely safe and efficient driving technique I was practicing when I became ticketed is going to cost me over two hundred dollars. The punishment does not fit the crime. The glove does not fit; you must acquit. Convenience Charge. Now I know how the 18,351 comedians who have incorporated this joke into their routines in the last ten years felt.
Posted by Hip E. 12/20/04 2:40pm
New Obsession Suggestions
Listen Lindsay...
Man... this is hard to say but, well... I think it's time for me to move on to a new obsession. For over a year now I have followed your meteroic rise to stardom, watched as you asking price per film has risen above the $10 million mark after what? 3 films? Nice. But now... I feel you've become too famous. Everyone loves you, you're THE "it" girl. It's like we have nothing in common anymore. Also, you know things are getting out of hand when people at work start filling your mailbox with every new development in your love life and um... boob life. It's just, you're smothering me. It's too overwhelming. I need some room to breathe...
So I have set out to find a new chick over whom to obsess. She, like you before her, will become part of a proud tradition of extremely hot, yet approachably hot, women including Kim Smith, Marisa Miller, Patricia Barros, Mira Sorvino (possible mistake), Samantha Metzger (not famous, just really hot) and the three Old Navy Models that always appeared together in that series of commercials a year or two ago. It's not going to be easy for me either Lindsay. You see, I, like yourself, am a red head with freckles. The rest of the world has NO IDEA how long all of us red heads have been waiting for a true sex symbol to emerge for amongst our accursed ilk. Sure we've got a few heavy hitters out there: Nicole Kidman, Julianne Moore, Seth Green; but Julia and Julianne are really in a different category... you always hear them described as "regally beautiful" or "serious actresses" and Seth Green is 5'2". There's also Clay Aiken but... well I don't care if the man's got pipes; he's weird looking and he creeps me out. End of story.
But you Lindsay, you're the real deal. You're 18th birthday was practically a national holiday. People didn't even have fireworks left over to use on the fourth. You have lived up to the potential that Angie Everheart so inexplicably squandered by starring in Bordello of Blood. You are the true heir to the throne left so long vacant by the likes of Rita hayworth, Sophia Loren and Raquel Welch. Thus, I'll still follow your career and um... boob career closely but I need to start distancing myself from you so it doesn't hurt as bad when you go off and do something stupid like record a duet with Ashlee Simpson or marry the singer from Smash Mouth. Speaking of Raquel Welch though...
Damn.
Moving on. After much thought and well... mostly thought, I have narrowed down my choice to two worthy Flyza Minellis. I could go controversial and choose Kelli Garner, Leo's co-star in The Aviator. She fits into my tried and true blonde with nice rack mold, and I think her face is gorgeous but I can see myself getting into a lot of arguments about her eyes being really far apart... yeah, her BEAUTIFUL EYES SO LAY OFF!! Unfortunately, since The Aviator will no doubt be her breakthrough role, there is a dearth of quality photos of her on the internet. If you want a hot one, pick up the new Vanity Fair. Here's a head shot. You'll have to imagine the amazing body.
Or, I could play it safe with the chick everyone agrees is one of the most beautiful in the world, Alessandra Ambrosio. Yeah, she's a Victoria's Secret angel but I fell in love with her from the Armani campaign and I actually had to look up her name. However, even though her face is ubiquitous, her name is pretty obscure. She's the "other Angel" like Carreras is the "other Tenor" and when I'm like "You know...
her" people are always like "Oh yeah, her."
I'm torn though. I guess I'll have to wait until Christmas when I can watch The Aviator... after I watch Darkness and The Life Aquatic, to see if Kelli Garner really is hot enough to replace Sweet Lindsay. We shall see.
Posted by PETE 12/16/04 5:21pm
Buying Music for the Jo-Tel: an Epic
I went to Virgin Megastore on Sunday with the singular purpose of obtaining a copy of Hero on DVD. However, as is normally the case I was sucked into the unfathomable vastness of the store. After perusing the bargain DVDs and walking away with a copy of the 25th Anniversay Edition of Pumping Iron - the best film ever made - for a mere $8.99, I decided that it had been far too long since I'd purchased a proper compact disc. The last one I bought, Cee-Lo Green Is The Soul Machine, was purchased well over a month ago.
However, buying CDs in the Jo-Tel environment is exceedingly difficult because Johnny D and Shark are so prolific in their acquisition of albums. If Pitchfork gives it over a 9, it's in our house within a day or two... and anything over a 7 is a possible pick-up. Add to this Hip E's slightly less frequent benders where he goes to Amoeba and buys like 10 albums at once to stop up the gaps in our collection and I, humble PETE, am left with few options. Hip Hop was my only safe haven... but then Shark went out one day and bought Foreign Exchange so that's over with.
I knew that Shark had just gone out the previous day and picked up a few new albums. I knew because 5 new playlists had mysteriously appeared in my iTunes library. Johnny D is ALWAYS buying new albums so that day I was treading on particularly thin ice. The last thing you want is to pick up a duplicate. It has been known to happen with the likes of The Arcade Fire and The Fiery Furnaces (both over a 9... in case you didn't believe me before). My situation was exacerbated further by the fact that Shark never, ever answers his phone and Johnny D had gone on a mosey to Santa Rosey to eat with his family so I couldn't call either of them to ask if they had any of the CDs I was going to buy (was that a run-on?). I tried Patsy too... but I discovered later that she had been napping when I called. So I was left to my own devices.
Here's where this post gets even MORE boring. Upon entering the CD section I discovered to my horror and jubilation that they had installed kiosks at which you could scan any CD in the store and listen to a 30 second snippet of any track on the album. Jubilation because that's the best idea ever. Horror because it meant I would be spending at least another 3 hours in that fucking store. It was great/horrible. I just walked among the rows selecting CD of bands that I had heard of, but had never heard, and then listened to them at leisure. After listening to about 20 CDs, I decided on 3
The Fitness-Call Me For Together
Cat Power-You Are Free
Rockers-Original Motion Picture Sountrack
I was excited and nearly positive that I had selected 3 great CDs which no other Jo-Telier would own...
Upon my return I proudly layed out my treasures on the coffee table. They were met with immediate approval by Shark, and Johnny D soon confirmed that I had done well... then Patsy woke up from her nap.
"Oh! Cat Power! That's a good album... I could've burned it for you though."
Then I shot myself.
Posted by PETE 12/16/04 5:11pm
The PUMA Speaketh
Email from the PUMA today:
For years I thought I tied my ties in a Full Windsor. Today I found out I was wrong and what I thought was a Full was but a Half. I just tied my tie into a real Full Windsor and let me tell you, it is a thing of beauty. The knot is literally as big as a cat's head.
My response:
Be careful with that.
The Full Windsor isn't for all occasions and shirt collar types.
His response:
The Puma knows what the hell he is doing.
Fair enough. Actually for the Puma, a Full Windsor is a pretty solid idea. With all that silk used up in the knot, the tie will be shorter and the chances that he'll ruin it with booze or puke are slightly lower.
Posted by PETE 12/16/04 4:57pm
You See, Johnny D and I, We've Got This Little Bet
After a signifant amount of Network wrangling, I finally got Johnny to follow through with our high stakes $10 bet on who can better predict Pitchfork's year-end Top 50 Albums. For those of you unfamiliar, Jo-Tellers tend to react ambivalently to the pervasive influence that internet indie rock review juggernaut Pitchfork Media has on our respective music tastes. Some see PFM as an extremely helpful and often enjoyable resource, others view it as the spawn of Satan, corrupting our hearts and minds into an appreciation for uber-indie art-rock outfits like Xiu Xiu.
Regardless, Johnny D and I have a bet. Our respective submissions are below. Two points will be awarded for each predicted album that lands in the top ten. Four points will be awarded if a contestant's top three pick lands in the top three. The rest is up to God.
Johnny D is a formidible adversary and the race will be close. Most likely, the outcome will turn on the results in a few swing-albums. Mission of Burma's OnOffOn and Annie's Anniemal are of particular importance.
SHARK:
1. Fiery Furnaces - Blueberry Boat
2. The Arcade Fire - Funeral
3. Madvillain - Madvillainy
4. The Streets - A Grand Don't Come for Free
5. Brian Wilson - SMiLE
6. Les Savy Fav - Inches
7. Franz Ferdinand - s/t
8. The Walkmen - Bows + Arrows
9. Mission of Burma - OnOffOn
10. Animal Collective - Sung Tongs
JOHNNY D:
1. The Arcade Fire - Funeral
2. The Fiery Furnaces - Blueberry Boat
3. Annie - Anniemal
4. Brian Wilson - SMiLE
5. The Streets - A Grand Don't Come for Free
6. Animal Collective - Sung Tongs
7. Madvillain - Madvillainy
8. Loretta Lynn - Van Lear Rose
9. Franz Ferdinand - s/t
10. Xiu Xiu - Fabulous Muscles
If you would like to get in on this hot action, post your submission in the comments section. The deadline is the end of this week. Good luck!
Posted by Shark 12/16/04 8:45pm
Continue December Posts
Comments:
From Pliska in Portland [67.169.81.55] - 12/31/04 8:21 PM
From PETE [67.173.157.141] - 12/29/04 9:09 PM
I didn't know being on the Atkins Diet also made you even MORE sensitive. Of course I was referring to 100% pure orange juice. Tropicana, Minute Maid, Florida's Best. What did you think I meat by "orange juice"? Capri Sun? Sunny Delight? Fanta? Orange Juice is good for you. The only people it is NOT good for are the loony fucks who think that cutting carbs out of their diet, and replacing them with bacon cheesburgers (hold the bun) is going to help them reach their goal faster than the archaic "burning more calories that your consume" technique. These are the people responsible for the existence of Lite OJ. As for how it ended up in my fridge, I already inquired: it was a mistake. Mom meant to grab regular orange juice but missed.
From L. Ron Hubbard [128.125.81.129] - 12/29/04 5:54 PM
Josef, thanks for recognizing that Scientology is a religion and not just an insane cult oriented toward robbing saps of their hard-earned money. I appreciate it. Even though I'm dead.
From Josef Stalin [199.43.32.25] - 12/29/04 2:47 PM
Dear Shark,
Please continue your paranoid rants against all things religious. Soon the minds of the people will be purified and power will return to the worker.
From MEEKALOS [12.175.205.108] - 12/28/04 8:05 PM
From Pliska in Portland [67.2.43.222] - 12/28/04 7:21 PM
From gafferland - 12/24/04 3:21 PM
From 206.176.240.83 - 12/22/04 10:33 AM
From The Big Kat [199.43.32.25] - 12/21/04 1:19 PM
From Hip E. [208.2.28.132] - 12/20/04 5:35 PM
From Kyle [198.199.50.215] - 12/20/04 1:19 PM
From Pliska in Portland [149.175.206.156] - 12/18/04 5:49 PM
From inga [63.170.97.131] - 12/17/04 5:50 PM
From Pliska in Portland [67.2.49.3] - 12/17/04 2:38 AM
If things stay the way they are, I should be listening to Fiery Furnaces, Arcade Fire, and Cat Power in approximately 4 months from now I can't wait. Is it me, or are bands just not trying to name their bands anymore? All these bands the Jo-tel discusses seem to have just thrown two words together. Next week, reviews on Blanket Window, Handle Carpet, Jumping Cufflink, Detergent Apparattus, and Clock Tease. Wait, Clock Tease is a great name for a band I hope someone actually uses it. I guess this trend all began 7 years ago when a band called Silverchair started sucking.
From gafferland - 12/16/04 4:41 PM
From 206.176.240.83 - 12/16/04 11:58 AM
From Thrill [4.42.67.85] - 12/14/04 10:23 PM
Also, I'd like to take this opportunity to point out to the nay-sayers that those don't "fall" the way fakes do.
From Evil Queen [63.192.247.202] - 12/13/04 11:59 AM
PETE -
Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps you are a little too interested in Ms. Lohan and her...accessories?
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