"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of  petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."

                                          - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint

 

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                                Some Time This Century

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THE JO-TEL IS:

Shark 

Hip E.

PETE

The Quail

Johnny D  

We get naked in bars way more than
you and you know what that means ...
We read Proust.

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FEATURES*:

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CURRENTLY READING:

Hip E.
 - Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759-67)
 - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)

Shark
 - Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
 - Kevin Star, A History of California:
1840 - 1875. 
 - Paul Celan, Breathturn

PETE
 - Cormac McCarthy, Suttree

Johnny D.
 - Jean Luc d'Emo, Reel

The Quail
- Dave Eggers, What Is the What
- James Joyce, Ulysses
- Don Gifford, Ulysses Annotated 

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

Hip E.
 - Neko Case, Blacklisted (2002)
 - Hip E., Pando Mix Rev. 0  (2007)
 - Rock Plaza Central, Are We Not Horses? (2006)

Shark
 - Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Blank
Generation  (1977)
 - The Kinks, The Village Green Preservation
Society (1968)
 - Silver Apples, Contact (1969)

PETE
 - Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)

Johnny D
 - Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it (1980)
- The Blow, Paper Television (2006)
- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3 (1999)

The Quail
- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)

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Virginia

* A Jouse-guest is someone who has
   spent the night at the Jo-tel. 

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I'm on the trail of a chocolate soda for
my wife.
                           - Charlton Heston (1924 - )

 

Second Annual Indie "Rock" Year-End Top 50 Fantasy League Draft: The Results Are In!

Another successful IRYET50FD!  Thanks to everyone who participated.  Thanks to The Quail for not showing up. 

I'm telling you this year is going to be close.  I predict that at least Johnny D and I will go neck and neck.  I knew I was in trouble when Johnny D drew first pick.  It didn't help when, in the second round, he snagged my sleeper juggernaut, Clipse.  But I think I recovered nicely.  Everyone has a chance though, becuase pretty much everyone made solid choices.  The list will start coming out next week.  Here are everyone's selections:

Johnny D: Asobi Seksu, Band of Horses, Belle & Sebastian, Clipse, Lindstrom, Mastodon, Neka Case, Rock Central Plaza, Sunset Rubdown, Yo La Tengo

Shark: Califone, Figurines, Ghostface Killah, Herbert, Joanna Newsom, Junior Boys, Lupe Fiasco, Subtle, The Thermals, TV on the Radio.

Reid: Arctic Monkeys, Cat Power, Comets on Fire, Girl Talk, Junior Senior, Regina Spektor, The Knife, The Mountain Goats, Thom Yorke, Xiu Xiu.

Hip E: Danielson, Islands, M. Ward, Okkervil River, Peter Bjorn & John, Phoenix, Tapes 'n Tapes, The Decemberists, The Game, The Rapture.

Patsy: Akron/Family, Beirut, Bonnie 'Prince' Billy, Fiery Furnaces, Grizzly Bear, Liars, Man Man, OOIOO, The Hold Steady, The Pipettes.

Memorial selections were chosen by counsel for PETE and Kristin.  Good luck you two!

PETE: Shearwater

Kristen: The Mars Volta

Posted by Shark  2006-12-14  09:46:13

There's Nothing Snarky About This Post 

There's this hot Icelandic chick in Iceland named Rebekka whose Flickr page I discovered at some point.  She is a really good photographer, a single mother of two kids, and has a major-league set of fake hooters!  Sorry, I just can't type "major-league" and "hooters" without finishing up with an exclamation point.  Anyway, I was thinking the other day that Rebekka might be the best artist with fake breasts that I know of in the whole world, other than Pamela Anderson (the author). 

She recently finished an art project where she made a short stop-motion animation movie to accompany a conversation her two kids had in Icelandic.  It's kind of like a Bjork video with no singing.

Posted by Hip E.  2006-12-13 15:56:32

A Devil Food Is Turning Our Kids Into Homosexuals

That's the headline on this informative article from Jim Rutz of WorldNetDaily, the Truly American news website.   Full of amazing facts discovered in unnamed, uncited studies from such years as "2000" and "recent," this article is required reading for anyone who wants to swing a big dick and defeat communism.  Some quotes:

Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place.

Research is now showing that when you feed your baby soy formula, you're giving him or her the equivalent of five birth control pills a day.

Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality.

P.S.: Soy sauce is fine. ... Miso, natto and tempeh are also OK, but avoid tofu.

I just had a moment of clarity.  I never used to listen to R&B before I started getting the tofu pad thai at Lemongrass.  Drat!

hat tip:  Andrew Sullivan 

Posted by Hip E.  2006-12-12  13:48:19 

Johnny D. Doesn't Fuck Something Up

I'm giving top-of-page upcoming-party status to the Indie Rock Fantasy Draft post.  You guys should really try to make it. 

Johnny D. doesn't actually fuck up any more than anyone else, he's just got a signature style when he does.  But I just had to say this for the record: 

KALX is awesome.  Johnny D. has been not fucking that one up for several years now. 

It's the University of California radio station.  They have a hundred DJs who just play every good song they can find, and it's amazing how much great music is out there that you've never heard of.  And they also play songs you have heard, such as yesterday I heard a track off of Ys and Hank Williams "Settin' the Woods on Fire."

I think you can listen to it online, Pliska:
http://kalx.berkeley.edu/ 

Posted by Hip E.  2006-12-12  09:26:06

Shark's Second Annual Indie "Rock" Year-End Top 50 Fantasy League Draft

Last year was pretty fun.  Hip E. with his detailed matrices.  PETE insisting on choosing bands that he liked instead of bands that did well with the critics.  Reid generally sucking.  Everyone had a good time even though I doubled the point total of my nearest competitor.  I think this year will be different though.  People have been much more on top of the music blog scene this year.  It will be a bit more difficult to do something like grab Sufjan (pronounced Sue-ph-john?) in the second round.  But unlike last year, this year does not contain a clear juggernaut favorite.  A handfull of universal darlings will vie for that number one spot. 

The way the competition works is that each player gets to pick one band per round from this list (compiled by me).  We go for ten rounds so that each person has ten bands on his "team."  Then we wait for plucky Pitchfork, stylish Stylus, and crappy Coke Machine Glow to come out with their Top 50 Albums lists.  The number 50 album gets one point, the number one gets 50 points.  Whoever has the most points wins.  A minute learn, a lifetime to master. 

Anyone interested please join us.  (I plan to do this probably Wednesday).  We will be available by remote cellular access and via the interent.  Send an email to the jo-tel or comment (at the bottom of the page) if you want to join.  To use the words of Basement Jaxx: good luck. 

Posted by Shark 

Seinfeld, The Lost Episode

I haven't had anything interesting to say on here in awhile, and nothing has changed on that front.  I'm afraid there would be no point in getting my groove back right now, because I just found out that during the D&R shutdown that starts in mid-January, I'm going to be working 6 days a week, 12-hour shifts, for a month.  However, I am getting my groove back anyway.  But enough about me, let's talk about YouTube.

Posted by Hip E.  2006-12-10  18:15:53

Sorry, PETE, But It Has To Be Done

The single truest sentence to ever appear on Pitchfork:

"I don't care who you are. You could bring me to shows, give me all the best drugs, steal stuff from work for me; you could rock my shit in every other way, but if you're not down with "Dazed and Confused", I can't hang out with you." 

This throw-away post brought to you by The Quail  2006-12-08  19:07:49

Thank you, Susan Sarandon.

I never really thought I'd be in a position when I felt it necessary to thank Susan Sarandon for anything. But here I am about to do just that.

Now I didn't see Saved! I let Hip E. watch those types of movies so he can tell me how he hates them so I don't have to waste my time. And I didn't watch the Banger Sisters, because I figured at some point I would walk into the living room of the Jo-Tel and Patsy would be watching it on TV and not let me change the channel to the Super Bowl or whatever, so I'd watch it then.* But had I seen either of these marginal films, I probably would have developed a crush earlier on Eva Amurri, Susan Saradon's daughter with some dude who's not Tim Robbins.

Here's the happy family together:

And a few medium shots.

Hello Eva, may I suggest that you have a conversation with Anne Hathaway about which direction to take your career?

Now, to each his own I guess, but Pliska maintains that she is not hot, and has sort of a "downs syndrome / pale nerd look."

To which I respond, Pliska, have you ever SEEN me?

Advantage: PETE

*I hear reports, however, that fighting Patsy over the living room big screen is no longer a problem thanks to Reid's outside-the-box problem-solving skills.  

Posted by PETE 2006-12-08  11:47:17

PETE's Sexy Backless Top 5 R&B Singles of 2006

Hmm... that's a great video and everything but I probably should have posted the Cassie one.

Bonus: This year's "Since U Been Gone" guilty pleasure award:

Brooke Hogan featuring Paul Wall - 'Bout us - A jam, plain and simple. Don't be embarrassed just because Brooke Hogan herself is embarrassing. I mean people still like Whitney Houston. It's a shame though. She doesn't have the pipes of say, a Christina Aguliera - and therefore will have a much more difficult time becoming famous for something other that her terrible wardrobe. I was going to post a picture of her wearing something ridiculous here, but this is a classy operation. If you want to see pink patent leather strappy dresses and thigh-high leopard boots, you had your chance with Professor Truth. But that's over now.

Anyways, it's good that she came out with a jam now, since she's like 17 and looks 32. The Florida sun really does wonders for the ladies. By the time she's 20 she'll probably look like Goldie Hawn so way to go Brooke, and Hulkster, for recognizing the very short time frame you had to work with. Scott Storch and Paul Wall - also good choices. I guess you have taste in something.

The haters don't stop, no.

I will link to the video. Here. 

Posted by PETE 2006-12-07  16:01:50

Vintage Shark/Hip E. Exchange Stolen from the Internets

Hip E.: Was somebody going through my poster drawer?  My Devendra Banhardt poster was on the floor yesterday morning, which means I could have easily stepped on it and destroyed it if I hadn't seen it there first.  Also the posters in the drawer were messed up.  Of all things, please don't mess around with the posters.  I'm trying to keep them 100% pristine for the next twenty to thirty years.  Obviously, not touching them is the major part of the strategy.

Shark: Was your dad's hunting knife turned around in its holster?*

Hip E.: My children's dad's irreplaceable posters were on the floor in the dark between his bed and the light switch. Whatever, but what were you doing in that drawer?  Just curious.

Shark: Looking at your posters.

Hip E.: I see.  Next time just let me show you them because you're not good at putting things back the way you found them (see: suits, pants on hangers, my deodorant, etc.)

-- 

*reference to Thrill once embarking on a mini-tirade about how people had been in his room and messed with his stuff while he was out of town. Someone had also moved his Master P doll. Bastards.

Be sure to look below at Shark's Top 15 for yet another new post. 

Posted by PETE 2006-12-07 (after the R&B songs but I'm not going to Thrill my own post)

Shark's Top 15 Albums of the Year

Dear World,

As Ted Berrigan wrote, "It is 5:15 a.m.                                           Dear Chris, hello." (The Sonnets, "A Final Sonnet").  Chris was an 8th grader toward who Berrigan harbored what society would call an "unhealthy" fixation.  I'm not sure what that has to do with my Top 15 List, but I'm pretty sure if Mates of State met Matt & Kim in a dark alley, they'd say, "there's not enough room in this town for the both of us."

Here is my list.  All those that did not make it were no worthy.  No honorable mentions.  No mercy. 

Love,
Shark

P.S. The word of the post is "arena-sized hooks".  Good luck. 

-------------------------- 

#15
The Walkmen
A Hundred Miles Off

For The Walkmen, it was that time.  "Time for us music critics to pull the brakes on this unbridled success and give these youngsters their comeuppance (except for those two old dudes from Jonathon Fire*Eater, they're cool)."  The formula didn't seem novel enough to sustain three albums I guess is their criteria.  " Wedging the slow-burner 'No Christmas While I'm Talking' in between 'The Rat' and 'Little House of Savages' was irresponsible but we let it slide.  But now this A Hundred Miles Off ... no, it's easy too to degrade the music by comparing it to the album's title (for instance, see last paragraph)."

Too bad, because A Hundred Miles Off provides yet another reason why The Walkmen deserve to be considered top-shelf indie-rockers.  There’s just no band in the biz that sounds better after two beers.

What I think many people missed about this album is The Walkmen's deliberate attempt to shift their sound to a different season.  Bows + Arrows was all wintery as hell: "North Pole," "New Years Eve," ceiling fans....  A Hundred Miles Off channels a summer vibe with songs like "Louisiana" and "Good For You's Good For Me"', with the latter's: "And the sun is shining out pushing shadows down the street.... Yeah the sun was shining out/ underneath the dogwood tree", as two examples.  And the guitars, rather than sound sharp with pointed contrast, are blended into the mix with the drums and pianos to create the melted, lethargic feel of summer. 

A Hundred Miles Off will not provide the impetus for drunken living room fist pounding and pelvic gesticulation like Bows + Arrows did.  But it doesn't aim to.  Enjoy it with a cold lemon phosphate on your porch next summer. 

And if they ever decide to go on The O.C. again, I'll just close my eyes and pretend I'm listening to "Brandy Alexander". 

#14
Glisandro 70
Glisandro 70

I like Taiga but I feel like OOIOO write experimental songs like accountants fill out W-4 forms.  "Time to punch in and do experimental stuff in the studio for eight hours then go home to the wife and kids, and if I'm lucky I'll get some quality beer time on the couch after they all go to bed."  By contrast, Glissandro 70's approach feels fresh.  As if these are just some crazy dudes that love Excepter and the Animal Collective and T. Rex (... "Bolan Muppets"...) and just decided to make some crazy music.  And they seem excited about it to boot.  From the first track ("Something"), which pulls you in by the belt-buckle with its bleeping guitars, to the last ("San Rosa"), which out-Excepters Excepter, Glissandro 70 is very promising debut and provides hope for aspiring experimental musicians that they need not pay big bucks on ebay for their own Yamaha Disklavier Prototype synthesizer before they can hope to get people's attention. 

# 13
Subtle
For Hero : For Fool

Doseone. Dosetwo. Doseone. Dosetwo. Do you wanna be a busboy for the rest of your life?

Look out!  Shark's reviewing hip-hop/rap (still not sure which to use in most cases).  You know what that means: at least two references to MF Doom and Kool Keith. 

It's true I'm not a huge rap fan.  I can count two hands the number of rap acts that I like (not love, like).  And even Kanye West worship-blog creating Sean Fennesey of Pitchfork admits that this is a year that "will not be considered a special one for hip hop."  Subtle's For Hero : For Fool is the exception because it forges what (at least to my dumb ears) seems like a new sound.  Taken as a whole (please note: rap album under 50 minutes!!), For Hero : For Fool plays like a hip-hop tone-pome (not a word) about a nightmare present filled with paranoid denizens that dream about Abe Lincoln on stilts.  <Please insert 'hallucinogenic' somewhere in that last sentence.>  Plus, NO SKITS!! SWEET!!

This is serious business, this guy Benjamin is putting up big money for this. No. Just - okay - just be there.  Okay, bye!  You ASShoe!

#12
The Thermals
The Body, The Blood, The Machine

Over Thanksgiving I was playing the song "An Ear for Baby" from this album in my car and Patsy, a passenger, stated: "This is the worst song I've ever heard."

It was then that I realized that The Thermals, whose latest albums channels the sound of The Ramones into a harrowing concept album about a religious fascist state, were for real.  

#11
Beirut
The Gulag Orkestar

I knew I liked this album from the start.  And from the start I disagreed with the derogative comparisons to Neutral Milk Hotel.  But it wasn't until I somehow stumbled upon this guy's Youtube post on how to play "Postcards From Italy"

that I really become enamored.  The reason: because I began to appreciate that delightful song structures that I had sort of missed when first listening to album because of all the orchestration that misdirected my attention.  While the horns are great and all, the reason why this album is awesome are the vocal and song arcs that sort of hide between the wonderful noise of the bullfight.  (P.S. Sorry about the Youtube guy's singing...)

Zach Condon, the leader of Beirut, is 19 years old.  On his world tour he was hospitalized in France from exhaustion.  On the Beirut webpage, Condon's brother posted the following explanation:

Having downed a bottle of rancid French wine on the Ile-De-La-Cite (Perrin was threatening to jump in the Séine in honor of his Parisian amour) Zach began to quote Flaubert from memory. Flaubert was not welcome that beautiful night in the city of lights. Violins and accordions were consecrated in piss and vinegar before Jim Morrison's grave. 'Jim Morrison was a shaman!' Paul cried. A lone French orphan draped in purple rags wept for all our American sins.

The next morning Zach got lost in the Louvre. 'Cubism is a farce,' he whispered to a overweight Dutch tourist. Under the English Channel, en route to London, Zach noted the relative comfort of being 'chunneled'. In a dank Soho apothecary he sought a remedy for exhaustion and aversion to French bedbugs. The apothecary tried vainly to quote Prince Charles recent royal address to the greater public of Britain: 'In light of having seen my wife unrobed and wigless in the disingenuous florescent light of a cheap hotel room, I do apologize to the nation and myself for unquestioning faith in her eternal beauty. She is old and ugly and so am I.' That is funny Zach dourly noted, but it does not help me at all not one bloody bit. 'I must return to New Mexico to decompress.' Parliament was eerily quiet. One cannot argue with the plain truth.  (PFM News, 11/14/06).

Good. Times.

#10
Phoenix
It's Never Been Like That

Sometimes accessibility belies complexity.  Who's to say that the subtly shifting time-signatures behind the choruses of several songs on It's Never Been Like That aren't more complex that some of the "oceanic" feedback drones on Tim Hecker's Harmony in Ultraviolet?  One thing is for sure, the latter are certainly less catchy.  Hecker's album requires the listener to pay close attention while in a relaxed state.  If this is done, then the album as a whole does create the feeling of a tidal rhythm -- which is pretty cool.  And when it's over you get that experimental music feel of "neat, never on that musical raft before."  But does this make experimental music more difficult to pull off or more worthy of attention from sophistos?  By contrast, the pop-rock nuggets that Phoenix churn out reach out and grab you.  And what is particularly impressive about Phoenix is their ability to bury arena-sized hooks (DING! DING! DING!) in the unassuming guise of soft-rock.  This, for me, is their novelty (no negative connotations).  And creating novelty in such a well-worn genre like "rock" may even be a more worthy feet than the music head-change that experimental musicians strive for.  That the lead singer is dating Sophia Coppolla is fitting to me.  Movies like The Virgin Suicides and Lost in Translation spend their entire run times skating on the icy fault line between young-indie-wannabe cliche and young indie-spokesperson-triumph and almost always staying on the latter side.  Similarly, this Phoenix album and its perfectly off-kilter soft rock is away rearing to make you push it away like an undercooked batch of Kraft Mac and Cheese (crunchy under-cooked elbow pasta still stuck in your teeth) except for that you never want to push it was because, well, it's really good. 

#9
Islands
Return to the Sea

A Throw of the Dice Abolishes Chance

In the year 2003, a band called the Unicorns came out with an album called Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone.  Band comparisons were difficult because their ragged and infectious pop one-offs seemed to have been forged in the heart of a candy and jem-filled volcano.  Then the Unicorns broke up.  For a while they threatened to rise from the ashes as a hip-hop group called Th' Corn Gangg.  But that concept (thankfully?) faded.  Then we were informed that the two chief Unicorns (Nick Diamonds and Alden Ginger) had made a proper split – Ginger militantly requiring that the band self-release all of its albums.  It was apparent that the break-up may not have been on the best terms when, at the Islands show at the GAMH in SF, an audience member who bellowed a request for "Jellybones" (a Unicorns song) was met by a caustic "Who the fuck said that?  Who the fuck said that?" from Diamond, who then admonished: "Well, then shut the fuck up then."  No riposte.  

My Entrails Follow Behind Me Like a Train Leaving the Station

In the year 1911, L. Ron Hubbard was born in Tilden, Nebraska.  Hubbard attended George Washington University for two years, most of which he spent on academic probation, before he dropped out in 1931.  He named his first son Layfette Ronald Hubbard, Jr.  In a 1983 interview, L. Ron, Jr. said "according to him and my mother" he was the result of a failed abortion and recalls at six years old seeing his father performing an abortion on his mother with a coat hanger. In the same interview, he said "Scientology is a power-and-money-and-intelligence-gathering game" and described his father as "only interested in money, sex, booze, and drugs."  Hubbard's second son, Quentin, was a homosexual, while L. Ron Hubbard was an avowed homophobe.  Quentin, prevented from seeking psychiatric help by his father, killed himself in 1976.  In 1946, Hubbard, began associating with Caltech professor Alex Parson, with whom he engaged in an extended set of sex magick rituals called the Babalon Working, intended to summon a goddess or "moonchild".  Hubbard later married a participant in the rituals, Sara Northrup.  He married Northrup before divorcing his wife.  As a youth, Hubbard, on a trip to China, noted in his journal that Chinese "smell of all the baths they didnt [sic] take" and that "the trouble with China is, there are too many chinks here."  As an adult, Hubbard stated that he was in favor in African apartheid, noting with regard to South Africa: "Having viewed slum clearance projects in most major cities of the world may I state that you have conceived and created in the Johannesburg townships what is probably the most impressive and adequate resettlement activity in existence."  Hubbard is the founder of a religion called Scientology with nearly 500,000 members worldwide.  The Scientology website describes Hubbard as "a remarkable man of many accomplishments."

You Look Great in Shorts, the Flag Looks Great Too

In the year 2006, Islands released their first album, the gorgeously poppy Return to the Sea.  The cleaner sound of Return is a sonic departure from Who Will Cut Our Hair, but the whimsical heart of the Unicorns remains.  Where the Unicorns focused on ghosts, child stars and cancer, Islands focuses on gems, salt, and Bobby Brown.  In both cases, the songs seem to come from a seemingly bottomless well-spring of zany imaginings, yet manage to bring the insanity back to reality in touchingly emotive moments, like in "Jogging Gorgeous Summer" where Diamond notes: "Millions of sunsets but the one I remember is the one where you told me you'd love me forever."  And for a moment, I'm on a vacation at a tropical island with amazing salt formations, where, after a day of sight-seeing, I pause in the steel-drum dusk to express my love for the things that validate my life. 

#8
Grizzly Bear
Yellow House

You people will never understand.  You don't have to "get all political" or "organize the masses" or "vote" to make a difference.  Take off those spray drawn Che Guevara hats.  Stop hanging out at the TPM Cafe to get all the GOP political dirt before it hits the spinning media fan.  You can make the biggest difference by working from this inside.  No, don't get a job with BrewDogg at the CATO institute.  I'm speaking more personally: just insulate yourself.  Harbor a creative, rebellious buffer between yourself and the outside world. 

I had an epiphany at the Man Man concert, as Honus Honus jumped up and down in tandem with his drummer and that dude on the sax was blowing the instruments with wind from another, dirtier, more sonorous world, I just thought how much Bush, Rumsfeld and Cheney would hate this music if they were here right now.  And I realized how awesome this music was in comparison to these idiots.  "And then it hit me" ["And then it hit me" is a registered trademark of The Wonder Years and ABC broadcasting.]: what better way to say f' you to those guys then to insulate yourself with awesome stuff that they hate. 

Grizzly Bear does not sound like Man Man at all.  Their second album Yellow House is a mellow, muffled rock album.  It's once of those albums that creates its own uncategorizable sound.  There are Beach Boys-esque like vocal harmonies, but they are set to a dustier backdrop.  This album will not grab you like, let say, Phoenix or something like that will.  But it is the ideal album to settle down to next to the fire with or to listen to in headphones. 

The title of the album refers to the Yellow House in Cape Town were the four dudes in the band (a few of whom Hip E's brother Bain is friends with) settled in to record the album.  I think this contributes to the album's warm feel.  To make something happen, it's best to get away from it all and just live your life.  But then again, what the f' do I know.

#7
The Knife
Silent Shout

What is the sound of one hand clapping?  An sonophoric (not a word) representation of my reaction to seeing The Knife live?  Maybe.  The Knife are not dynamic performers.  At its most compelling point, their concert made me about 1/4 as excited as when I first watched a grainy version of their "We Share Our Mother's Milk" video on Youtube in Hip E's bedroom. 

But let talk about the album. There's a lot that could be said about Silent Shout, but I'd like to note just one thing and I promise I'll try to avoid using the adjective 'spooky.' 

Many of these song begin with an uninvitingly thin beat that makes you feel like maybe you'll turn on some Wolf Parade or something but then without fail, The Knife begin the switchbacks of escalatingly (not a word) complex beats that define most of the songs on the LP, and then once those set it, you might be hooked for the whole album.  Plus, track 6 works great for camping trip strip teases...  That one's a bit inside.  Spooky!

#6
Band of Horses
Everything All the Time

This review as of 10/23/06

I have a problem.  The spiral phone cord that connects my phone to its receiver always gets tangled.  I'm not sure if it's something that I do, or if spiral phone cords just have a tangle half-life of three months.  I even switched my first tangled cord with a pristine new one from an adjacent office.  Same result. 

In the song "Funeral", the band sings the following lines about walking outside after a funeral:

To the outside, where the dead leaves
Lay on the lawn. 
Before they die, dead trees
Hang their bows. 

With lyrics like this, I could go my whole life with one increasingly tangled phone cord and not care at all. 

Supplement to this review (12/2/06)

So I've figured out how to untangle my phone cord.  Basically: untangled it.  Also, Maupow informed that there is a device that can prevent your phone from tangling in the first place.  Neat.  Problems like this come and go, but my appreciation for this album has remained great.  Essentially, My Morning Jacket's Z was a solid album because it tried to do with the pre-Z MMJ sound what Everything All the Time actually does (with the pre-Z MMJ sound).  So even after an (apparently) lackluster tour and the establishment of a decidedly fratty fan base (I was in a frat too, but a cool one, so, you know, totally different...), the album remains a straight-forward alt-country rocker that, after the last strains of its closer "St. Augustine" fade away, always leaves me wanting more.

#5
Rock Central Plaza
Are We Not Horses?

Wittgenstein came up with a famous example for "aspect-seeing" called the duck-rabbit, portrayed below. 

The theory goes that the picture can be seen as either a duck or a rabbit.  When one sees a rabbit, one is describing what one is seeing without interpretation.  When a duck is seen, one is interpreting the image based on preconceptions of what a duck looks like. 

Sometimes when I listen to Rock Central Plaza, I hear Bonnie 'Prince' Billy (the duck).  Other times, I hear Neutral Milk Hotel (the rabbit).  But neither times do I hear someone aping the sound of either of these indie rock juggernauts.  Mostly I hear a strangely heart-warming story about what happens when horses who think they are real find out that they're made of steel.  If the lead singer sounds like Will Oldham, who cares?  Will Oldham has a strained folk voice.  It’s bound to intersect with someone else's voice.  And what if RCP came BEFORE Oldham, would you hate I See a Darkness?  I hope not.  Be joyful, my children. 

Plus, take consolation: the latest take on the duck-rabbit is that a perceptual neural network in the brain can exist in one of two different functional states when people view an ambiguous figure, so that only one of the two possible activity states normally contributes to conscious experience at any one time. Your brain normally concerns itself with either the duck aspect or the rabbit aspect of the figure at any one time.  It's a silly theory. 

#4
Mastodon
Blood Mountain

My best kept secret this year is the album Blood Mountain by Mastodon.  I'm sure some will be surprised that this album ranks so highly on this list considering I've rarely played it at the jo-tel.  Listen up: something happens when you explode the world at your fingertips and turn high school into a prog-metal album.  Something also happens when your third prong of attack is a land-locked beast slay of an album that refuses to die until Josh Homme expresses his admiration in a child-like meandering fa[w]n-letter ("I see thee not, I clutch thee still") still echoing when you use iTunes to cut it the fuck off.  Nothing ever happens when nothing turn itself into nothing but when something like a fire album (Remission, 2001) turns into a water logged sea beast (Leviatian, 2004) and then crawls onto land like a beached shark with legs (Blood Mountain, 2006), fighting over craggy mountains and steep precipi (not a word) to battle hydras and collect crystal skulls oh dear god, then something really happens, but, still, nothing ever happens RIGHT HERE, where I am writing this, except the everything rush of bing-bing-bing buzzed off your ass in your office after an announcement session where one of the partners supplied champagne that I drank of liberally.  Blee.  

#3
Liars
Drums Not Dead

First title for Of Mice and Men: Something that Happened.  First title for Catch-22: Catch 19.  First title for The Great Gatsby: Among Ash Heaps and Millionaires.  First title for film Annie Hall: Anhedonia.  

Johnny D'ing can be really helpful sometimes.  I'm sure that in each of the above examples the artist felt reluctant to leave behind a title to they had grown used to.  Yet the ultimate work was better because of their willingness to destroy.  To philosophize with a hammer as Nietzsche would say.

The Liars had a entire album recorded and then scrapped it and created Drums Not Dead, their tremendous third album.  The songs therein roughly form a dialectic interchange between brash confidence ("Drum") and meek vacillation ("Mt. Heart Attack").  But the concept is even more intricate than that.  At the beginning of the album, the Mt. Heart Attack songs are warbly and lack a driving beat.  When the Drum songs first show up, it is a pleasant shift in tempo.  However, at the end of the album, three Drum songs are placed in succession, providing the listener with an overload of assertive drumming.  It is at this point when the touching closer "The Other Side of Mt. Heart Attack" makes the listener understand the beauty of a selfless, modest friend. 

Can we stop calling these guys dance punk yet?

#2
Sunset Rubdown
Shut Up I Am Dreaming

If you could make another of you
Then you would give the other one to me.
                                         - A Day in the Graveyard II

Sleep is really the hub of our dizzying experience. (Yes, that's right, I'm going to start this list blurb with a poetic ontological observation.  And because most of you (to your own credit) have not read nearly as much modern-internet critic posturing as I have, you won't even see this as a "so 2003-music-blog" stylee.)  Without the right amount of sleep you do things like forget your lunch or take the wrong freeway exit.  Moreover, "they" say that a lack of sleep deprives "you" of "your" "creat"ive thinking (I got plenty of sleep last night).  Finally, you think some pretty bitchingly weird thoughts in your sleep.  Like those sentences that race through your head before you go to bed or the remnants of dream notions that still rattle in your dome upon awaking.  People have made lucrative careers in art by mining the creative potential of dreams.  Salvador Dali and David Lynch of course come to mind - two auteurs wonderfully willing to ride the wave of dream logic to its illogical consequences.  But who can deny the nightmarish logic of Poe's "Tell-Tale Heart"?  The idea of shining a light into a deformed eye is something that would make total sense in a dream.  And then there's Kafka - whose works stands as THE most successful attempt to follow the logic of the dream-state.  When K. is lulled off into a rolling, carnal love scene by the oddly sex-starved secretary Leni in the middle of a meeting with a deranged lawyer, you feel nervous for K. - who has stolen away irresponsibly from his one chance to speak with a lawyer regarding his case - in the same way that you feel nervous when your pants are off in class or you dream that you've forgotten about school, which started two weeks ago (even though it's actually still summer vacation in waking life) or in the same way when, in a sex dream, you are doing it to an old women or a wooden box.  That The Castle remained unfinished at Kafka's death (ending abruptly in the middle of a line) makes it perhaps the definitive dream statement - interrupted prematurely like so many dreams.  Kafka's dying request that Max Brod destroy these stories reminds me eerily of the waking mind trying to hunt down and destroy those fugitive and fleeting dream sequences that you are barely able to remember during your morning shower.

With Shut Up I Am Dreaming and EP, Spencer Krug places himself modestly in the company of these artists.  "If I was a horse I would throw off the reins if I was you ... but I am no horseman and you are no angel" and later in the same song: "When someone says 'fuck me' someone else says 'okay'"  Or on "Three Colours II": "You should hear the wind in my window, it's saying "okay okay okay okay okay".  These lyrics, coupled with Sunset Rubdown's meandering melodies, fill an album that, consequently, seems to reside in that moment of waking from a dream, when the residue of strange phrasings still resonate in your head.  While most of let these go, Krug grabbed 'em and made them the center-piece of some of the most beautiful music of 2006. 

#1
Joanna Newsom
Ys

Listening to Newsom on NPR's All Songs Considered really made me want to get her over to the Jo-tel, give her a Coors Light and just chill in a environment were the conversation was not focused on sterile-ass topics of conversation like: what is it like to do traditional rock after being trained classically.  Imagine sitting as the jo-tel and asking: "Alright, so you know that part in 'Sawdust and Diamonds' were you fill an entire section of melody with that motif about the 'long face'?  What were you thinking about when you wrote that?"  Or: "What is it like to get drunk when you know that the brain that you are getting drunk has an unearthly gift for creating beautiful music?"

But, alas, Joanna will most likely never visit the headquarters of this humble blog.  And I will just have to assume that her answers to the above-exemplared type of questions would be transplendant.  She's done enough with Ys, though, which manages to improve on the landmark Milk-Eyed Minder.  Her vocals are more polished, allowing her better deploy variations in tone and inflection, while the complex songs structures are a delight to untangle on repeated listens.  In the end, Ys plays like a conflagration of Nico, Van Morisson, and Jeff Mangum, while, at the same time, sitting comfortably in the company of Chelsea Girl, Astral Weeks, and, yes, IAAOTS as an album in its own right.  Praising stuff like this is what this whole music criticism thing is all about.

Posted by Shark  2006-12-06  22:04:22

Jo-Tel Miscellany

• Our top 5/10/15 lists get a mention on an actual legit blog with REAL visitors , not just 13-year-olds from Portugal and Sweden looking for naked pictures of Jamie Lynn Spears and Alia Shawkat. Speaking of, we're no longer the #1 Google search for "Alia Shawkat tits" so we should probably get on that, regain that crown. Thanks to Large-Hearted Boy for the gravy.
• Thanks to the Evil Queen for bringing to my attention that my Conrad sighting made Defamer's Hollywood Privacy Watch. I must admit, I read Defamer rather frequently but I generally skip the HPW because really, who cares? But from looking at this one, it seems that they list the sightings in order of the fame of the person sighted. Mine was dead last. Honestly, that's pretty awesome. LC should be proud too.
• If anyone was wondering how to do a great interview, here. Proving once again that journalism school is only slightly more useless that Film School.
• For the Pitchfork hip-hoppers, here's a pretty solid list of the top 10 albums of all time, from MTV of all places, so you can save your typing for an ode to T. Rex or something.
• Here's an article in Rolling Stone about the ex-boss. It's pretty good. She really does love Rivers of Babylon.

And finally, a new slang dictionary entry.

Thrill (verb) - To post a tiny, throwaway post right after someone posts a long, involved post that obviously took forever to write and deserves to be at the top of the blog for mor than a few hours. Example sentences via Shark: My huge post about my having sex with Brittany Spears got Thrilled by Hip E's random journal entry vol. 5 just one hour after I posted it! 

Posted by PETE 2006-12-07  at some point

James Carville Is Preternaturally Ugly 

James Carville:                                                             James Carville's stunt double:

                              

(h/t to FireDogLake.) 

Posted by The Quail  2006-12-06  11:25:51

PETE's Top Ten Albums of 2006

A few notes first. I could never have gotten this done if I were employed or if I still had a TV in my apartment. From what I remember I got home from Starbucks to pick up some more Christmas Blend for tomorrow at around 7:30pm and have been working on this straight since then. It's now 3:39am and I still need to add pictures and proof read for teh's and becasue's. The main reason I wrote this, and why I'll probably review tomorrow night's New Young Pony Club show, is that I need clips to send to magazines so they'll let me write for them. Who knows? I may even do a review of A History of Violence (2 stars).

I doubt I'll be stealing much of Shark's thunder (Holy shit. Shark's Thunder. Indie rock band or energy drink?) because Shark is way better at reviewing things than I am. I'm not going to be dissecting these albums in any particular way. I try hard to be a critic, but I'm basically only good at describing things I hate in detail. Things I like I just like, and don't give it too much thought. But I tried, so enjoy.

--

Honorable mentions: Grizzly Bear, Band of Horses, Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, The Game, Final Fantasy, Ne-Yo, lots of albums I haven't heard that I'm sure I'd really like, like that Bob Dylan album.


10. Asobi Seksu - Citrus

There was a lot of albums I could've put in the 10-slot, but I went with this album because I got an idea of what to write about it before Yellow House or He Poos Clouds. I imagine this album being composed in a room full of babies, albeit cool babies who know how to rock. The band would just start playing and if the babies smiled and clapped, or fell asleep, they knew it was gold. If the babies cried, whoa... take it down a notch. Shh... babies. Shh... Rock out, little babies. Here's some fuzzy white noise. Shh...

Favorite song: Strings





9. Danielson - Ships

This is the type of crap I was into last year. Big songs. Not long, big. Lots of voices. Lots of percussion. Lyrics about big bodies of water. Big themes. The polar opposite of The Mountain Goats. And fun to listen to. It's the soundtrack to walking into the bright warm sun from a cold dark house... or a cold, dark, cabin... of a ship. Oh man. I just blew my own mind right open.

Favorite song: Two Siting Ducks






8. The Gossip - Standing in the Way of Control

Okay, so I don't even read that many music reviews and I'm tangentially aware of the fact that most Gossip reviews tend to not tiptoe around Beth Ditto's weight or her sexual orientation, but excuse themselves by blaming other reviews for concentrating on them, thus hollowly absolving themselves of a similar crime and - such being the case - it has become sort of taboo to concentrate on those aspects in a Gossip review, excuses or no. However, I will say that Beth Ditto is the hottest fat lesbian I have ever seen. The Gossip rocks me from sack to anus. This album is the best dancey punky album of the year. Fuck you, Hot Chip. Eat me, Ratatat. Go back to Stockholm, The Knife. And anyone on DFA can shove their cowbells and woodblocks straight up their asses. I went to see them at the Troubador and they covered Are You That Somebody. What more do you need?

Favorite song: Yr Mangled Heart



7. The Fiery Furnaces - Bitter Tea

Awesome. But then, I liked the Grandma album kind of. I got the Oak Park bias. Go Huskies!! If Chief Inspector Blancheflower and Wolf Notes were was on this album, it would be my favorite Fiery Furnaces album.

Favorite song: Teach Me Sweetheart







6. Pete Bjorn & John - Writer's Block

This is the most recent album on my list. Saying I could've written my Best of 2006 in mid October makes me a bit nervous, but since moving out of the Jo-Tel I'm a bit behind the times, and that's how it is. I haven't heard the Decemberists album, the Bonnie "Prince" Billy album, the Jay-Z album (though if "Show Me What You Got" is an indication of the album's overall quality, then perhaps he really IS the Michael Jordan of Recordin'... as in, should have stayed retired. How many times has that joke been made? Probably a lot. Still: zing), and it was only through an act of extreme self-restraint that I didn't just throw American V on here in the 3-spot.  The only other thing I could see adding that I haven't heard though is the new Young Jeezy (out 12/12, cop it), which I'm sure will be awesome. Did you know he supposedly recorded over 150 tracks for the new album? Mix Tapes look the fuck out. Anyhow, back to PB&J, man what a great album. Wes Anderson has already optioned every single one of these songs for The Fantastic Mr. Fox. Hmm... that's probably the best thing I've said about any of these albums (I wrote #6 last)... so I'm going to cut this one off there.

Favorite track: Paris 2004


5. Girltalk - Night Ripper

Not much to say here. Gregg Gillis basically does to other mashup artists what Eminem did to other white rappers. Sure, there are others out there - everyone isn't going to just throw away their laptop/turntables - but you get the feeling listening to Night Ripper that there's not going to be a better person at this for a long, long time - if ever. By the time he cuts together Juicy and Tiny Dancer, you're hooked. Also... see everyone? I TOLD you Southern rap had something to offer.

Favorite Track: the one with the Juicy/Tiny Dancer thing. Noice.





4. Figurines - Skeleton

Congratulations, The Figurines, for making the catchiest album since Ace of Base. ACE OF BASE!!! (Note: this albums sounds nothing like Ace of Base.)

Favorite track: Ghost Town








3. Ghostface Killah - Fishscale

A few weeks ago I was out here in LA and I saw a dude wearing a shirt that said, really big, "LISTEN TO GHOSTFACE." As a person who is notorious with basically every group of my friends for my extreme phobia of ever being caught somewhere wearing the same [insert any article of clothing] as anyone else, I was surprise by my desire to ask the guy where he got the shirt. and then go directly there and buy one of my own. Because, as a person who has for his entire life tried to get my cracker ass olive garden eating friends into hip hop, Ghostface might just be my most potent weapon these days... and Fishscale might be his best album ever. Okay that's a lie. Supreme Clientele is. But anyways, with this, his 5th album and 4th totally fucking awesome album. Ghostface should be able to win over those last hold-outs who still maintain that The Genius is the best MC in the whole Clan. Wait... okay I forgot about Grandmasters. So that debate still rages on.

I guess at this point, it's too much to ask for Ghost to dispense with the annoying skits. Wu-Tang Killa Bees LOVE skits, son - and it's unfortunate that 36 Chambers is probably, no definitely, the ONLY album ever to benefit from the inclusion of skits*† - because they're going to keep fucking doing it. But aside from that, this album is just pretty much more of the same Ghostface: awesome, frenetic raps about drugs, sprayed, not sayed, to the point where if you stand close enough to the speakers, you actually will get spit on. Word life.

I suppose I should lay down my sword and break bread (mixed metaphor?) with Pitchfork here for a second... because one thing I do admire that they do is review lots of hip-hop albums, which their slavish indie-rock-loving minions then go out and buy and tell all their friends they love because Pitchfork gave it a 9, even though they don't "love" it and might not even think it's very good. But while they're saying how much they love Madvillian or whatever, they're sitting in their room and listening and listening and listening... because they're thinking "Pitchfork says this is good music. I love indie rock, which is good music, and therefore I should love ALL good music." And what ends up happening is they start bobbing their heads, and then they start listening to the lyrics and realizing how clever they are, then they start singing along, and then they say "holy shit" and go buy Paid in Full.

For an example of a dude obviously still in the early stages of this pitchfork-induced respect for hip hop, check out this top ten list.

More proof? Check out his singles of 2005 vs. 2006. 2005 = no hip hop. 2006 = some hip hop. Next year he'll probably do a Top 10 greatest hip hop albums. And so it goes.

Despite the fact that most of these guys probably can't tell Grand Master Flash from Funk Master Flex, I think it's a positive thing (I go through a similar process with the noiserock album Shark gives me). And I think the Pitchfork guys know what they're doing.**

So to Gorilla vs. Bear guy and all the other indie-rock to hip-hop converts, welcome to the club. Good to have you. Now put down the Mab Lib for a sec and go buy the following: Big L - The Big Picture, Notorious BIG - Life After Death, Common Sense - Resurrection, Jeru Tha Damaja - Wrath of the Math,  Camp Lo - Uptown Saturday Night, and um... well listen to those until you like them all and then get back to me.

Tony Starks!!

Favorite track: Three Bricks.

2. Joanna Newsom - Ys

Still love her. Still want to marry her and have squeaky babies whose first words will probably be tourbillon or jujube or some shit. I like Milk-Eyed Mender better, and I'm disappointed that she did not include the newer version of her amongst-the-greatest-anti-war-songs-ever "What We Have Known," the version she plays live where the line "Ladies breathe deep, against your whale bones, for your children come home made of stone" becomes the chorus rather than just another stand-out line in a song full of surprisingly accessible and unsurprisingly lovely Newsomia. However, the 5 tracks on this album are all amazing and gorgeous and anyone who can't at least appreciate Joanna Newsom lacks the poetic disposition that I prefer in my friends and associates. I also like poo jokes though.

Favorite song: Cosmia


1. Shearwater - Palo Santo

This album was one of the maybe 50 albums that Johnny D gave me during his late-summer music dump. There's probably still 8-10 albums I have yet to listen to... mostly because out of the first five I did listen to, four I wanted to listen to again and again - Booka Shade, The Knife, Asobi Seksu, Grizzly Bear... good job Johnny D. But Palo Santo is this year's Milk-Eyed Mender for me. The album I tell everyone to listen to... the album I would burn for everyone if I still had any person-to-person social interaction with anyone during the week... As I said in the intro, I'm still not the best at describing the sound of a band in terms of... well in terms of anything really or explaining why it's good. I can tell you there's piano and falsetto and banjo and I guess I could use the words "atmospheric" and "dark,"†† lots of lyrics about black skies and death... but not depressing. See... I'm not making it sound very good. This is my problem and why I tend to stay away from music reviews and why I like to just give people albums without saying much and let them listen on their own time, or make them a captive audience in my car and hope they say something about the music I'm playing. The only other thing I can say is this is the album that you might for instance, roll up the windows of your car so you can scream the lyrics at the top of your lungs. And I mean the top. of. your. lungs. A word of advice though. When you do this, and you will, it's best not to have a date in your car. I'll Pando anyone a copy of this who emails me. Pando is awesome.

Favorite song: Hail Mary

Man. That took forever. Was it satisfying o the biggest waste of time ever? Only time will tell.

*"Is he fuckin' dead? What the fuck you mean 'Is he fucking dead' God? The nigga layin' there with his fuckin', with fuckin' all TYPES of blood comin' out his head God."

†Which is a good thing because all the skits are even more annoyingly ATTACHED to the actual songs. At least that practices has fallen largely by the wayside.

**I'm still waiting form them to start reviewing R&B albums so I can start seeing Ne-Yo and Donnell Jones creeping into these lists. If I made a top songs of the year, believe me Sexy Love would be way up there.

††I have now used both atmospheric and frenetic. Any music review worth it's salt should include at least one of these words. There's no in between.

Also, if you're still reading, here's a permalink to this post: http://jo-tel.editme.com/bestof06 

Posted by PETE 2006-12-06  04:52:33 (note the hour)

No. I mean yes.

Only $100?

And yes, this is a real product. Available at your neighborhood Best Buy. The guy didn't call about the possible new apartment today, but hopefully he will, and the good news is, if we get it, the place is small enough that this thing could be our main stereo system.

Also, just because it's there like the "34DDram" or the "holio," um...

the iPood.

BAM!!

Posted by PETE 2006-12-05  19:56:37

Jo-Tel LA Event Calendar... because I'm bored and still unemployed and happy to have a nice line up of crap to do for the next week.

Tues 12/5: Victoria's Secret fasion show. 9pm on CBS. Special guest Justin Timberlake. Count the CSI commercials. Is anyone else sick of Sexy Back yet, because I am. Timbaland also needs to stop doing interviews where all he talks about is how awesome he is. I might also go to Check Yo' Ponytail at Safari Sam's. Probably not though.

Wed 12/6: New Young Pony Club and Gangs of Neon, 9pm at Stone Bar. It's their (NYPC) first show in the US. I like their Ice Cream video and their keyboardist... I like Gangs of Neon because if you email them they'll put you on the list and knock a dollar off the admission. So they rule. Love their music.

Thurs 12/7: (sigh) The Faint, Ladytron, Ratatat, 7pm at the Palladium. I don't like Ratatat's name. It's missing a tat. Ratatat tat. Because I never hesitate to put a nigga on his baaaack. Ladytron rules.

Fri 12/8: Akron/Family and some other bands I've never heard of, [time TBA] at The Echo.

Sat 12/9: Suz's birthday party. Black and White theme? WTF?

Sun 12/10: Trey Anastasio, 7:30 at The Wiltern. I bought these tickets a while back when I had lots of money and decided that I should probably check out Trey, just to see how he's doing, and also because he had a pretty funny interview in Rolling Stone where he talked about how he loves Tool and how he's totally over freebasing coke before shows. Bummer.

Mon 12/11: Bears v. Rams, MNF 5:30 on ESPN. That should be nice and depressing.

Posted by PETE 2006-12-05  15:37:19

It's Nice To Have Something To Write About...

I think one of the marks of a good night out is to wake up the next day - feeling a bit under the weather but not totally blown out - and have your first thoughts be along the lines of "nice..." rather that say "oh my God what have I done" or "hmm... in the future my relationship with _______ is going to be decidedly more awkward" or "this is an inordinate amount of blood."

My first thought when I woke up yesterday was "nice..." but it was only in my mind for a second before it was hammered into the background by:

HOLY SHIT YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED AND YOU JUST SPENT $400 IN A SINGLE NIGHT

Not good. As I relived the events of Saturday night in my mind's eye, I tried to justify the liquidation of roughly 28% of my total assets by telling myself that you can't put a price on a good time.

But then I though "Well... actually I'd say $200 is about right. You should be able to have a great fucking time for $200."

My next thought was that I should probably apologize to my neighbors for having like 6 very loud people in my apartment at 3:30am. You see, on Saturday the apartment had been emptied of furniture and so there was nothing to absorb the voices in the cavernous expanse of the Jo-Tel South.

Then I fell asleep again and woke up around 1.

That being said, get ready for another mildly exciting installment of PETE in LA.

We went to this place in Hollywood called Les Deux, which, I was informed. was a hot place in Hollywood. My friend Gabe had evidently procured a table for us... which I sort of knew was trouble before I even arrived, since last time I was at a bar with a "table" I spent about $350. But that was a one-time thing, and it was like 2-3 years ago when I was making the mad bones at SFO.

But yeah, the place had all the trappings of a hot hollywood spot: big groups of Persian dudes in paint-splattered t-shirts, a bouncer who is also an actor, super-expensive drinks ($15 for whatever I ordered... not exactly sure but it had Chambourd in it, which intrigued me because that's one of those liquors that you see in bars but never try, like Sloe Gin and Campari... which are both terrible. But the Chambourd was pretty good), hot girls wearing expensive shoes (I'd like to take this opportunity to say that I'm ecstatic about the short shorts being back in style as evening wear), and Eva Longoria.

While standing around outside, the bouncer/actor told us that they were going to be filming for The Hills inside...

Again, I don't think I really need to go over the whole "PETE loves Laguna Beach (Season 1 and 2 only)" thing... but I do. And I especially love Lauren "LC" Conrad.

I'd already met Kristen a while back, so I figure, now that I've met them both there's really nothing left for me in LA... but that's another story.

But I digress. Turns out The Hills had the booth right next to ours. I would've probably put more effort into talking to LC but something unexpected happened... I somehow managed to successfully hold the attention of a girl for most of the evening. Weird I know...

So I basically just chilled and drank straight vodka from the bottles that kept magically appearing on our table and trying to explain to the girl why Prince is the greatest pop artist ever, and why "All we have to do, is take these lies, and make them true" is a really profound statement about relationships. And yet STILL she didn't go to the bathroom and not come back! Crazy!

I was given an opportunity, unexpectedly, however to socially interact with LC when some girl at our table walked up to some of the Hills and "accidentally" spilled her drink all down LC's back.

Damn. Cold blooded.

Then one of LC's friends (I'm pretty sure it was the brown haired on in the picture on the right) walked over to the girl from out table and straight threw her drink all over her.

Oh snap.

I stood there, taught as a tiger, ready to dodge the next salvo of flying cosmos or step in to quell the giant cat fight that I figured was only seconds away from starting. I was pretty drunk at this point so I'm not sure exactly what happened next but there was NOT a cat fight. I think some of the MTV guys stepped in. Whatever... I hate MTV.

Later though I found myself talking with the Hills girls about the incident. I apologized on behalf of our booth, which was graciously accepted by LC et al. I also took the opportunity to tell LC what a sad farce Laguna Beach had become since her departure. She took the unimaginitive compliment well. I was going to ask her out for gelato but I though "Too soon. Give her time to heal."

I turned back to our table and noticed a very concerned looking Gabe talking to the waitress. "We need to find everyone and get money from them." "Okay, well here's a hundred from me. How short are we now?" "About 800 plus tip."

So I dropped another 200 on the check and spent the rest of the night periodically forget and re-remembering that I had just spent $400 on booze until I fell asleep on a pile of clothes...

LC is pretty hot.

Disclaimer: Mom, I'm sure you, like most other readers of the Jo-Tel have long since abandoned us but if you happen to read this... I'm sorry I spent $400. But a few things -- I fully plan on tracking down the freeloading dudes who were hanging out at our table all night so they could insinuate themselves into the background of The Hills shots and hit on our chicks and have their sisters who are visiting from New York throw drinks on my future ex wife and stick gum to her dress for no reason. Also, sure I spent $400 on Saturday but I only spent $3.70 yesterday and nothing today (so far) so my three day average is like, only $135 or so. Not too shabby.

Update: Today I was cleaning my room and I found a pair of black nylons... they're not MY black nylons so... I'm pretty mystified because LC wasn't wearing any.

Oh snap.

Somebody archive this bitch. 

Posted by Hollywood 2006-12-04  17:37:41

As Always, She Was Late

This scene from Royal Tenenbaums totally blew my mind the first time I saw it.  When it comes to choosing songs to enhance his scenes, Wes Anderson is among the best.  Cameron Crowe, eat your heart out. 

Posted by Hip E.  2006-12-01  13:52:26

Shark's Yee-Haw! Year-End Music Roundup

Continuing in the vein of last year's successful year-end music festivities (consisting primarily of the Year-End Indie "Rock" Top 50 Fantasy League Draft), Shark's 2006 Yee-haw! Year-End Music Roundup is on like Donkey Kong. And Donkey Kong is on.

NPR's Terri Gross recently interviewed Will Ferrell about, as she constantly reiterated, "his new movie, Stranger than Fiction." Most of the interview was suprisingly sterile.  Especially the one part were she asked him whether the fact that his father was a musician had any effect on his outgoing stage nature.  He gave some boring response about how music is important between him and his kids or something.  When it comes to music at the jo-tel, however, things are anything but boring and involve things far far far from having to do with kids.  Usually new music that we like gets rocked on high volume (hi, downstairs neighbors ... you salty bitches...) before we go out, or scores the background to hungover early mornings in Hip E's room.  Which is to say, music is sort of a galvanizing force for fun.  And in memory of this year's galvanizers of good times, I present this year-end round-up festival, a time that will most likely be characterized by me buying lots of pizza and beer to get people to come to each event.  It will be fun.  As an old friend would say about his "productions": Bring chicks, bring booze; it will go off.  Here's the schedule:

Tuesday (12/12) : Shark's Top 15 Songs of the Year, revealed LIVE! (w/ beer and music sheets)
Wednesday (12/13) : Year-End Indie "Rock" Top 50 Fantasy League Draft (w/ beer)
Thursday  (12/14): Shark's Top 15 Albums of the Year revealed ONLINE!
Friday (12/15):
 - Johnny and Shark make entries for the "Guess Pitchfork's Top 10" contest. 
 - Top five music videos of the year projeced on the wall in our backyard.
 - Shark performs interpretive dance to entirety of Slayer's Reign