"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of  petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."

                                          - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint

 

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                                Some Time This Century

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Email:  thejotel@gmail.com
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THE JO-TEL IS:

Shark 

Hip E.

PETE

The Quail

Johnny D  

We get naked in bars way more than
you and you know what that means ...
We read Proust.

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FEATURES*:

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CURRENTLY READING:

Hip E.
 - Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759-67)
 - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)

Shark
 - Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
 - Kevin Star, A History of California:
1840 - 1875. 
 - Paul Celan, Breathturn

PETE
 - Cormac McCarthy, Suttree

Johnny D.
 - Jean Luc d'Emo, Reel

The Quail
- Dave Eggers, What Is the What
- James Joyce, Ulysses
- Don Gifford, Ulysses Annotated 

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

Hip E.
 - Neko Case, Blacklisted (2002)
 - Hip E., Pando Mix Rev. 0  (2007)
 - Rock Plaza Central, Are We Not Horses? (2006)

Shark
 - Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Blank
Generation  (1977)
 - The Kinks, The Village Green Preservation
Society (1968)
 - Silver Apples, Contact (1969)

PETE
 - Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)

Johnny D
 - Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it (1980)
- The Blow, Paper Television (2006)
- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3 (1999)

The Quail
- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)

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I'm on the trail of a chocolate soda for
my wife.
                           - Charlton Heston (1924 - )

 

February is Great.

Posted by PETE 3/1/05 12:12am, but we'll pretend otherwise.

I'm Not Sure You Know How Much I Rule

I'm not sure that you really know much I rule. I rule a whole bunch. For starters, I assert without reservations that I am the greatest maker of mix CDs on this side of the Mississippi. And, what's more, I have risen to this level of ascendancy using only the most rudimentary of CD mixing technology. Of note, I recently completed "Where's Yr Artemis Tonight?", the outstanding doppleganger remix of 2004's underappreciated 'Where's Yr Neptune Tonight?" I also will have you know that I am one of the premier moot court competitors in the nation. Recently, the Hastings Environmental Law Competition - for whom I served as coach - won the Pace Environmental Law Competition. In early April I will compete in the prestigious Prince Evidence Competition. If I come away from that competition victorious, then I shall deem myself the best moot courter in the universe. I'm also attractive. Very attractive.

Posted by Shark 2/27/05 11:01pm

Jo-Tel Special Correspondent Johnny D: Friday at nOISEPOp

Since Johnny D refused to take my advice and start up johnnyfuckingd.com (had he, he would be famous as hell and would've already fucked and dumped Paris Hilton. Also, he would be starring next week on The O.C. His loss), I have asked him to write something about NoisepOP here on the Jo-Tel. This is good stuff, and more than makes up for his "Interpole" review. Proof positive that being a member of The Network will make you 20-40% funnier in the first 6 months alone! However, since I can't just let anything go up on this site without fucking with it, there'll be commentary.

It's rare that anyone really asks me to contribute anything involving written words to anything.  Lets look at the facts:  I am an engineer. My writing skills have been left woefully derelict since high school. My sense of humor generally manifests itself as something akin to a wet mop, making me a difficult social accompaniment. That said, it's very surprising that I am taking time to write anything.

As you can well tell from Pete's prior posts, last week in San Francisco was the week of Noise Pop, a six day long music festival bringing many independent artists from places far and wide and featuring them in many of San Francisco's finest venues for musical entertainment.  Last night was no exception and serves as an argument for forking over another 125 squid [sic] for next years activities.

This evening was preceded by a very arduous week at work made no easier by the lack of rest requited [sic] from the previous evenings of the festival. Wheels greased, Pete and I grabbed coffee and hopped into a cab and began the evening.

Cafe Du Norde and the Swedish American hall are right next door to each other.  Both venues had several acts going on all evening, and we were able to get stamped for all the shows for the evening.  Having a Noise Pop badge is very beneficial, however, unfortunately badge holders don't get preferential treatment when it comes to waiting in line, which would be a welcomed benefit.  Basically Pete and I went back and forth between the Cafe and SA Hall all evening catching the best of all the acts.

The evening really culminated when we saw Joanna Newsom.  I wouldn't consider myself graced with an exceptional ability for writing, however in the case of describing sweet Ms. Newsom, my prosaic abilities put me at an advantage because I am not sure it's really possible to render the intimate situation on paper, but I'll try... just kidding.

After Joanna Newsom played, we saw the end of the Ditty Bops set.  They are a very fun gypsy swing group with a pair of very hot singers... One of the singers did the lindie in the middle of one of the songs.  It was hott.

After the sweet Ditties finished up, Pete and I walked to the liquor store across the street and procured ourselves some beverages.  Beer and Liquid Polyphonic Spree (Rockstar) in hand, we made our way down the worst part of Market Street to Mezzanine to catch the Lovemakers at the Friday night Noise Pop after party.  This was probably the sexiest show I have ever seen.  The band is driven by a keyboard/laptop player [sexy!], and a coed combo on vocals (both), bass and guitar. The chemistry between the two singers was electric, and for the forty five minutes that they played, they managed to draw you into the sweaty, hedonistic, lovemaking they sang about.

The evening ended with a girl I was talking to giving me her business card in lieu of her phone number [success! Thank you Lovemakers!].  I'm not sure how I feel about that. I appreciate the efficiency of the action, but it just feels kind of odd.

Lacking a camera, I drew a couple of pictures illustrating some of the evening's highlights.

Posted by Johnny D at some point

The High Toilet

Posted by PETE 2/25/05 6:30pm

You've Just Been Smooshed

Posted by PETE 2/24/05 Some time after 6

NoIsEpOp: Night 2

Posted by PETE 2/24/05 11:00am

Hunter S. Thompson's Not Dead

"What Leary took down with him was the central illusion of a whole life-style that he helped to create ... a generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old-mystic fallacy of the Acid Culture: the desperate assumption that somebody— or at least some force— is tending that Light at the end of the tunnel. ...

But we had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark— the place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. "

--Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Posted by Shark 2/28/05 12:33am (EST)

nOISEpOP: Night 1

Posted by Zzzzzz

I Found My Wallet!

I was talking to Bain AKA my brother last night and I was getting ready to go to Paul's house. I was wearing a brown t-shirt, and this gave me an idea. I thought, "I'll wear my brown leather jacket," cause I never wear that thing, and I have probably paid more in interest on my credit card for it than the original purchase price. By the way, I carry what we in the business call "a lot" of revolving credit card debt. It's awesome!!! So I took my jacket out of my closet where it had been, as far as I know, for at least two months. There was a lump in the pocket. It was my wallet.  It was awesome.

Posted by Hip E. 2/19/05 9:32am

It's Late

and I'm drunk and I also realize that the Jo-tel is so huge now. So huge. Look at it! People like you read it. Even people like you. It's so huge, it's even begun to make a dent in my own ego - an outward dent that is. Even I read the Jo-tel blog. I just found out that Shark has lots of responsibilities or something, and that even with all his fancy book-learnin', he still thinks Scalia is an idiot like I do. I can hear the PUMA yelling some shitty Alan Jackson song down on the street below. Figaro plays on the random iTunes shuffle, which has been playing way too much Phish lately. You can't force pahish on a man, even if it's his own pahish that he put on his own iTunes. A man has to be in the right mood for that shit. Also it's dampened by knowing that you're never going to get to go to a show again, and when you do, it's going to be like $75 for tickets. I really love my family, even though that is gay, even though it sounds like I'm just saying that faux-grudgingly to make chicks think I'm sensitive, even though I already have a great girlfriend who thinks I might be sensitive sometimes, but not really that much, just a lot. That's somewhat of an epiphany only because unlike most people I was not very fond of my family for most of my life. But it's cool. They are cool. You should meet them. Any flaws they may have are mostly due to stress and hereditary things that are beyond their (my) control. Anyway, this song is cool, what is it? 'XXX' by Death in Vegas. But seriously folks. I am going to have to stop being a small sporadic cog in a big machine at some point, even if it allows me to live in San Francisco, and ........ what else does it allow me to do. Oh yeah live with my friends and San Francisco is great and everything. iTunes shuffle, doing great right now. I had a friend named Ramblin' Rob. He's in the jailhouse now. I remember visiting the Gaol in Colonial Williamsburg when I was a kid. All the roads were paved with crushed oyster shells, just like in heaven. But I was not at all interested in history at that point. I didn't get why historical people were so fixated on wearing ugly, heavy, sweaty, impractical clothes. I think you really can't appreciate history (at least for me) until you get to a certain age. Once I was like 20, 22, I could finally start to put myself in the place of all these people who did history, and they were just regular old people like you and me. But most of them weren't middle-school aged. At this point now I can start to see that it must have been quite a fucking challenge, being a revolutionary American dude like Thomas Jefferson or something. Much more of a challenge than like a predestined, foregone conclusion like it is for every 10-year-old. Lions in the street and roaming; dogs in heat, rabid, foaming. The beast caged in the heart of the city. Body of his mother rotting in the summer ground, he fled the town. Went down south and crossed the border. Left the chaos and disorder. Back there, over his shoulder. One morning he awoke in a green hotel with a strange creature groaning beside him. Sweat oozed from its shiny skin. Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.

WAKE UP

You can't remember where it was, had this dream stopped? The snake was pale gold, glazed and shrunken. - we were afraid to touch it. The sheets were hot dead prisons. And she was beside me. O, she's numb; young. Her dark red hair. The white soft skin. Nowwwwww Run to the mirror in the bathroom, Look. She's coming in here. I can't live through each slow century of her moving. I let my cheek slide down the cool smooth tile. The overgood cold stinging blood. The smooth..... hissing.... snakes ...... of Rain.

Anyway, now I have to pee. But I think you get the drift. Basically I think we're doing pretty good and we should really concentrate on the good parts and not really worry about the bad parts. Is this post embarrassing? Well, only to the less than 100 people who will read it. But really, it will probably make me look hella sensitive and new-age. You'd be stupid NOT to marry me.

Posted by Hip to the motherfucking E. 2/19/05 02:34am

Captain's Log

"Busy busy busy" is what a Bokononist in Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle whispers when "he thinks about how complicated and unpredicatable the machinery of life is." I think, in a less fanciful sense, this is true.

I'm extremely busy right now. It's one of those periods that everyone has when they're really exhausted and overworked. One always thinks he is particularly burdened, but it's all relative. Currently, I'm juggling so many comittments that it exhausting to even list them. One comittment of note is the brief that I am writing for the Prince Evidence Moot Court Competition. One of the issues deals with a recent Supreme Court case called Crawford v. Washington. This case drastically alters the decades old test for determing whether admission of hearsay evidence violates the Confrontation Clause of the Sixth Amendment. To the left is a photo of Antonin Scalia, the Justice who wrote this opinion by which I am currently domeinated. Look at him. That incense-burning Catholic. I mean, I know you've got an appreciation for textualist/historical analysis. But for fuck's sake, Scalia, do you really think that the Framers would have wanted future courts to spend their time dusting off copies of the 17th century Marian statutes? Scalia is brilliant, but he's a damn idiot.

But what's the point anyway? To quote Modest Mouse, "Everyone's afraid of their own life. If you could be anything you wanted I bet you'd still be disappointed." Life is all forward-moving preoccupation until the final preoccupation - old age and death. [FN1] But there is no other way. Life is a product of strife. The fitness required for survival is why humans exist. Any easy life would be a contradiction. And "if I a nickel for every damn dime I'd have half the time." So is it okay if I rhyme?

FN1: There is no afterlife.

Posted by Shark, Star Date 2/18/05 8:26pm

I'm so lame...

The PUMA doesn't even try to wake me up when he's wasted. Maybe it's also because I'm the only one with a lock on my door. But if the PUMA sees a couch or bed after midnight that is not his own, you're going to need the crocodile hunter and a team of pygmies to get him out of that room.

Posted by Hip E. 2/18/05 3:40pm

Hottest...Ad Campaign... Ever.

No, it's not the Scarlett Johansson Eternity ads, nor is it the new Uma Thurman Vuitton ads... or the Scarlett Johansson Vuitton ads. All of the aforementioned ad campaigns are extremely hot (especially the Thurman one which I might have to post as well... but I like to spread things out) but none of them can hold a candle to...Skyy Vodka's Cinema campaign. Now... I'm not in college anymore and I'm hovering in that uncomfortable limbo where it's decidedly declasse (there should be accents in this word) to tack pictures and posters directly to my wall... but I also can't afford to frame anything because it's so fucking expensive. However, I do have a Skyy ad taped to my wall and guess what? I don't care what anybody thinks! This is why (forgive the black borders. I got the pic off their Web site and it's supposed to be a wall paper. If I have time I'll try to do a cropped and enlarged version):

Skyy did a whole series of ads like this and they're all well... like this. I'm sure you've seen some of them in magazines or, if you live in SF, at bus stops. The bus stop things is especially great because nobody likes waiting for the bus - especially the Muni because it's dirty and there are always crazy ass mother fuckers on it that try to talk to you. Also, considering all the other depressing ads you usually find on Muni shelters (Stop Black Babies from Dying, Meat is Murder, Israel is Great and is Guilty of No Wrongdoing What-so-ever!) it's nice to sit down and imagine that these girls are offering you the drink you so badly need. The above ad is the best of the bunch though, in my opinion. This ad has to be in some type of finals for the hottest ad of all time. It's not just that the girl is hot (she is), it's the entire composition: her expression, the way her hair is arranged on the pillow, the pictures clinging to her body... the pictures in general. I'm waiting to see this ad on a bus depot in SF so I can steal it. In the mean time Skyy seems to know what's up, because they've got a daily drawing where they give away 50 of these posters (you can pick which ad you want). Needless to say, despite said free posters being far from bus shelter size, I will be entering every day until I win. Then when I do win, next I'm going to try and win this one:

Yeah. I know. Like I said, I really could post them all (there's even a few Walloch might like) but you should probably just go to their site...

Hmm... These ads are great and all but you know what? I'd like to see what Skyy could do with like, celebrities. Like, hot actresses or something. You know who I bet would be really hot? Heather Graham!

...

...

...

...

OHH! BOO-YA!

Ha! Bet you didn't see that one coming. I'm not going to post any more of these because it's late and resizing them to fit this page is a bitch, but if you still need proof that these are the best ads ever they even managed to make Gretchen Mol look ridiculously fine in one. So fine actually that the first time I saw it (on a bus depot) I was like "Damn! That hot chick looks kind of like that weird looking chick from Rounders."

These ads are so awesome that in their honor I am going to buy a bottle of Skyy Vodka this weekend. The only time I've ever done that before is with Orbit Gum...

Hey, can you guys do one of your ads with the Orbit girl? Wait. Scratch that. My head would explode.

---

I was going to write another post about how I got my NoisePop festival pass today and how I'm really excited but I'm not going to. Johnny D and The PUMA are down at the Buc and I place the chance of shivving at about 60%... for Shark that is. They usually don't bother me except to come in and wake me up to tell me I'm lame. Well, if staying up till 1:30 singing the praises of vodka ads (while stone sober) is lame, then call me "Police Academy 4." Out.

Posted by PETE 2/18/05 1:33am

Sunny Days and Pissed Off Realtors

Last last Sunday... and I don't mean today or last Sunday, I mean the last last Sunday, was the first beautiful day we've had in SF in literally weeks. Every day had been cold, rainy, shitty, and cold... and short (like today). That Sunday was still short, but it was sunny and warm.

After waking up and happily noting that I had not pissed myself (wait... nevermind), I went out to get some breakfast with Raph, Johnny D and Katon. It was alreay beautiful out when we left the house at 9:30 and it was even more beautiful when we left the CREPE House at 11. On our way out the door, still looking hung over, we passed by three girls who were pretty typical of our neighborhood. Two of them were looking at us disgustedly, while the other one didn't notice us because she was busy listening to herself talk. Understandable I guess bacause they were obviously discussing matters of import. In passing I heard her say:

"Like... I want to go to the GAP, but I don't. You know?"

That really has nothing to do with this story but it was certainly amusing in it's own right. Anyhow...

We returned to the Jo-tel and settled in on the front porch to enjoy the sun. The PUMA procured from our apartment some milk and a bottle of Parrot Bay. The PUMA proclaimed the milk/coconut rum mixture to be his new favorite drink. Around noon, we noticed that the cars were beginning to multiply on our street... nice cars. They would double park, throw on the blinkers and enter the modern looking building directly accross the street from us. Near the entrance were two delicately coifed ladies, one of whom was handing out folders of some sort, the other of whom was taking notes on a clip board. We didn't really put two and two together until some guy came over to us and asked us if he could come up on our porch to get a good look at the building's facade. It was an open house. We asked the gentleman how much the places were going for; he told us 500Gs.

We'd already noticed that the clipboard lady had been ice grilling us for some time. At that point, there were maybe five of us on the porch, listening to music and not even drinking anything that could be positively identified as alcohol, but we were evidently cramping her style by being visible. Also at that point it became abundantly clear to all of us what needed to be done:

1) Get all the cock rock we could find

2) Go get more alcohol

3) Strip down to our underwear

4) Turn music up... WAY up

So that's just what we did. I think the pictures are pretty self-explanatory as to our outfits. The only thing that bears mentioning is that sweet Inga was out on the porch with us for most of the day. She was not in her underwear, but we appreciated her presence none-the-less in the capacity of official photographer and hot chick legitimizer of shameless frat boy antics.

Surprisingly enough, most of the home shoppers seemed to find us quite amusing. Few if any were disgusted or said anything derogatory that is, except for the realtor. To put it mildly, she was NOT amused. She came walking out of the building, took one look at us and got on her cell phone immediately. We assumed she was calling the cops, but we weren't doing anything illegal so we weren't too worried. For all she knew, we could've actually been driving the bid price up (this is San Francisco after all). Quoth the PUMA "If this were Noe Valley we would've raised the property value by 100,000 dollars!"

I've been working on this post for a week now and it still didn't come out that funny. I feel like Donald Sutherland in Animal House. Just... here's some pictures.

...I know what you're thinking and yes, I'm single.

Posted by PETE 2/13/05 6:32pm

Moonlighting

My first post is up over at gridskipper, the new luzury travel blog from Gawker Media, publishers of other kick ass blogs such as gawker, defamer, and fleshbot, the all porn blog. Well now they have a travel blog, and for some reason the editor has allowed me to write from them. The first post I even tried to write I got published, which came as quite a surprise, but now I'm a SF correspondent, so I got that going for me.

Anyways, here's my post.

I'm stoked because even though gridskipper only went live on February 1st, I think it has like 15000% more readers that the humble Jo-Tel. Hopefully someday that will change but for now, moonlighting it shall be.

Posted by PETE 2/10/05 7:53pm

Cake Club!

Since the Jo-Tel is now getting more than 60 unique visitors a day, I feel we have the clout for at least one shameless plug. Kyle M. and Emily T., my dear, dear friends from work, were two of the Jo-Tel's earliest and most fervent devotees. Furthermore, their recommendation of the site to friends and family is probably directly or indirectly responsible for at least 20% of our monthly visits.

The Jo-Tel would like to sincerely thank Kyle and Emily for their patronage... and to welcome them into the "blogosphere" (I fucking hate that term). Their new blogs are listed on the menu bar. They are fun and exciting, and I recommend them to all.

Kyle and Emily, as a now seasoned blog veteran, if I may offer some advice? Maintaining a sweet blog is not easy. At first it is, thanks in large part to the fact that you've been alive for X number of years, and in those years have thought many thoughts, a number of which you have always wanted to record for posterity. You have also taken many nice pictures, which are nice to share. However, just like any new endeavor, you eventually hit a wall. I call this particular wall the "wall of public nudity." I call it the "wall of public nudity" because the best way to get over the wall and get those creative juices flowing again is to vastly increase your instances of public nudity.

At some point you realize that your trip to the bank wasn't that funny after all... but it would've been if you'd pulled your pants down!

Just trust me.

Congratulations and Good Luck!

Posted by PETE 2/10/05 7:46pm

Ryan Seacrest, I Hate You

Shark, Out 2/8/05 5:29pm

Water to the Dome

You have to hand it to fraternities; they're really a great creative outlet. When the national fraternity starts cracking down on alcohol hazing, you just start water hazing. Cool! Except when you kill a pledge, that is. Nice work, Chi Tau Chapter at Chico University. Your disastrously conceived combination of massive water consumption, physical exertion, and cold temperature conditions ended up in another dead Chico pledge. Plus, there's some evidence that some of the members hesitated in contacting medical help because they feared exposure and the possible repercussions. Hey Chi Tau Nationals, say goodbye to about two million dollars (not including court fees).

Posted by Shark 2/9/05 3:55pm

Great Moments in White History

Iron Eagle (1986)

Doug's friend: Don't worry Doug, they'll get him out.

Doug (whose dad was being held hostage by an Arab country): Like when they tried to rescue the hostages in Iran?

Reggie: Now, that was back when Mr. Peanut was in charge. There's a new guy in the White House that doesn't take shit from puny little countries. Why do you think they call him Ronald RAY-GUN?

Posted by Hip E. 2/8/05 8:38am

Attention!

Cool name for a bar I saw online (it's somewhere in Virginia):

The Nanci Raygun

Posted by PETE 2/7/05 6:35pm

Strong Breezies Ahead

Posted by PETE 2/4/05 6:28pm

It Is Also Porn Stache Month at The Jo-Tel

Posted by PETE 2/3/05 9:28pm

Shark Wins!

The Jo-Tel and all the Jouseguests would like to sincerely congratulate Shark on his team's sweep of the National Moot Court Championships in scenic New York City. Harvard, Yale, Boalt... all worthless bitches. Print that. Shark is the only Jo-Telier who is still in academia and now he has something concrete to hold over our heads that's less old than SAT scores.

So... Shark is the smartest

Hip E. wrote the seminal craigslist post Hey Crackhead, and is therefore the funniest.

I have the nicest ties...

I can live with that.

Posted by PETE 2/3/05

Hip E.'s Story

On Saturday I came back from sweet Inga's house, sat around for awhile and got some pizza at Za with PETE. PETE borrowed $10 for pizza, then he told me Kathleen had stopped by and he owed me another $40. We walked back to the Jo-tel and PETE got bones from Johnny D. PETE gave me $40, which I promptly put in my wallet. Later after PETE went to the Bucc I smoked with Patsy and Jay, watched half of "Mathilda", and went to bed at midnight. Now my wallet is gone. It is either in the Jo-tel, in the garbage, or someone stole it off the coffee table or something. I wasn't even drunk on Saturday. I'm extremely hesitant to cancel everything because there's no way the wallet is actually lost. It's not feasible. It does not compute.

On Thursday night I was extremely fast to take off my pants in the bar, as per usual. However, it was either blue (!) long johns or nothing, and it wasn't That Kind of Bar. It is a sad day when you can go to a straight bar and dance around for an hour in thin long johns and cowboy boots and nobody even notices. Well, at least I didn't LOSE MY WALLET!!! fuck.

After Arrow Bar Shark and I were chilling in the hall and we heard this rhythmic, angry noise over the music blaring from the livingroom. I thought it was the neighbors banging on our floor with a broom for us to turn down the music, but then it seemed to be coming from the other end of the building. I snuck up to PETE's door and peered around the corner to see PETE, still in his tighty whiteys, an intensely hurt and confused look on his face, beating the living piss out of his bed. Just slamming it with his fists like it owed him money. I motioned to Shark to come look. Shark, seeing what was going on and realizing that we were all in grave danger, slammed PETE's door shut. But PETE's doorknob came off in his hand, making it impossible for PETE to open the door from the inside. Shark saw what had happened and laughed. PETE, enraged and nearly nude, roared at the top of his lungs, sprang through the sliding door to Shark's room, came around the corner like an Ashcroft after a civil liberty and chased Shark down the hall at a full sprint. But the running tired him out and he failed to kill Shark when he caught him, thereby making the end of this post boring and anticlimactic.

Posted by Hip E. 2/2/05 at 12:45pm

As Long As I'm Awake and Posting Magazine Covers

As long as I'm awake and posting magazine covers, see if you can spot the HILARIOUS unintentional joke on the cover.



Get it! AH HAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHA

Posted by PETE who is still not tired

Boy was I wrong.

Maybe it was because I didn't like Lost In Translation that much, but up until this month's Esquire I never though Scarlett Johansson was hot. I was wrong. I was so wrong, in fact that I'm going to watch that movie again and see if I was wrong about that too.

Good morning!

Posted by PETE 2/2/05 when he should be in bed

Lose Your Wallet Week at The Jo-Tel!

...is almost over!

Come on Shark! Join the party! It's fun AND easy. Just lose your wallet like Hip E. and I and we can cancel our credit cards, go to the DMV, and order a new medical insurance card TOGETHER!

Hip E. might have found his wallet actually... hopefully.

How did I lose my wallet, or get it stolen rather? Funny story.

Post Within A Post: The No Pants Dance

Last Thursday Hip E., Shark, Patsy, Jay and I drank a tons of booze and went to Arrow Bar. When we got there, the thing that was the MOST immediately moticeable was that one of the girls dancing didn't have any pants on. She had underwear, just no pants. The DJ, a male, was also not wearing any pants (he also had underwear). Everybody else was wearing underwear AND pants. (when I'm denots I capitalize lots of stuff.)

Then we got some beer.

After drinking the beer, Patsy decided that she felt bad for the two people without pants, and felt like maybe we should keep them company. She took her pants off. She also had under- okay I'll stop. We all quickly followed suit, except for Hip E. who doesn't count because he was wearing black long johns which are in essence pants. Taking his jeans off only resulted in more compliments for his cowboy boots. Also, Shark didn't join in because he doesn't wear underwear, not because he likes the freedom, but because he's lazy and all his underwear has been dirty for going on 9 months. He did take his shirt off though, so he counts more than Hip E.

Jay danced with some dude who looked like the guy from Color Me Badd (he didn't really but I bet maybe some people laughed at that because Color Me Badd is funny in basically all possible ways).

Later I returned to the pile of pants and noticed my cell phone had fallen out of my pocket. I picked up my pants to put it back and noticed my wallet was missing. After a thorough sweep of the bar with flashlight, I determined that it had indeed been taken. Some dude took my wallet from my pants while I was dancing in my underwear... ain't that some shit?

I was pretty angry because I'd never lost my wallet before, so when I got home I punched three holes in my wall, something I've only ever done once before... I punch a lot of street signs though. Anyways, after I punched the holes in the wall, and chased Shark down the hall for laughing at my pain, I felt bad so I got the spackle from the closet and patched up the wall, but I was also drunk so I used our best kitchen knife as a trowel.

I also lost a Boggle piece... but you can still play (what a game!).

While I was spackling up the largest of the three holes, Hip E. walked up to me and said "man... there are so many things I didn't take pictures of tonight."

How many times has that saved my ass?

Hip E., tell your story.

Posted by PETE 2/2/05 1:08am

The Roommate That Got Away

We received this email from an actual person. I bet she's going to find some interesting roommates.

Well Hello Fellas,

Your posting had me crackin up, and I love that. If you can make me laugh when I am reading something you wrote, then you must be hysterical, which is cool 'cause I love to laugh. Most the time I crack my self up, its all good though....

I am currently living in San Jose and need to get out ASAP. This place is unstimulating and I will become a bitter old hag way before my time if I continue my live here. I am 24 and spunky...so to the city I shall move. I currently work in San Jose as well, but am working on my admissions to Graduate school at SF State. I expect to commute to work from the SF until I have everything straitened out.

I currently live with two fellas, so I know the ways of the man...HA! I don't really know what that means, but it translates to....Im down to live guys. Things tend to be less dramatic with the fellas.

....about me...Let see...I love to eat, but Im not a fatty. I think exercise is a most necessary part of the day. The fact that I love to eat helps me with my cooking, which if I may toot my own horn...I am quite good at. toot tooot. ;-) I don't like to cook only for me, so Im always down for a cook out. I cant promise perfection every time, but if its a flop I will buy the pizza.

I also love to dance. I don't think there is anything that I am more comfortable doing then dancing....well....alright I can think of at least one thing but they are very similar. HA!(perhas too much info) Don't worry, Im not gonna sneak to freak in your room or whatever....HA! Oh yeah...Im not shy, I am down to talk, discuss and debate about things I know and dont know. Im sure to come up with a convincing argument either way.

I guess what it boils down to is Im a laid back chick who enjoys a good party, but needs a place to relax and study as well. Im not high mantince for anyone but me, and I am fully capable of taking care of myself.

Call if your interested.

Posted by PETE 2/2/05 12:02am

Rainforest Cafe

Our friend works as a waiter at The Rainforest Cafe so we went there for dinner with him one night to take advantage of his sweet discount. Since it's been so cold in SF lately, I was kind of disappointed that it wasn't a balmy 80 degrees inside but I guess the Rainforest theme can only go so far. I can sum up the Rainforest Cafe best thusly: if you want, you can even purchase the menu for $12.99. I am serious.

Naturally, I asked if they actually do anything for the actual rainforest, like donate money or anything. Our waiter was like "Well I think they used to but then it got bought out. Now we don't even recycle."

I had the ribs, the clam chowder, and a Sam Adams, just like in the Amazon! They gave me my leftovers in a styrofoam box...

God Bless America!

Posted by PETE 2/1/05 11:36pm

New Month, New Roommate

So there's a lot going down at the Jo-Tel as of late. I have added our former roommate of two months, Sweet Sweet Kathleen, to the Jouseguests column, which is a perfect place for her considering Thrill has spent about 4 times as many nights at the Jo-Tel as she did. We got Kathleen after Sweet Saki moved out at the end of November. She was a nurse in Palo Alto, and had been living down there but wanted had wanted to move into the city. She answered our ad on craigslist, came by the place, loved it, loved us (obviously), loved everything so much that she paid us December rent to hold the place for when she could actually move in in January. She moved in on January 5th. She was cool. She even bought us Molson Ice one time.

On January 18th, as Hip E. and I were leaving for the Rainforest Cafe (oh! I should post about that!), she stopped us in the hallway. "Hey can I talk to you?" "Sure." "Listen... blah blah blah." She told us about how she had really wanted to move to the city but with her long hours the commute was just too much for her. We believed it because parking does suck its share of ass around here, and she did keep odd hours. She said a coworker had found her housing in the south bay closer to work, so we magnanimously allowed her to move out on February 1st, despite her less than stellar 12 days notice. Needless to say I was NOT happy about having to post another fucking add, especially since Kathleen seems so cool and normal. And none of us were heartless enough to keep her last months rent, already in our possession, as the PUMA so readily suggested. So we set to work finding a new roommate. We got some hilariously weird emails, which I plan on posting now that we've actually found someone. But our new roommate is a cool... dude! That's right. The Jo-Tel is done with chicks... as roommates. Reid's cool.

The Kathleen story, however, has one final chapter. She came by to get the last of her stuff on Friday. She left 40 bones for the cable bill and her new address... 6 blocks away from the Jo-Tel. We drove her out in a mere 13 days. That is a record that we don't plan on breaking.

The Jo-Tel... we drive the bitches crazy.

(oh, and yeah we're pussies so she still gets her money back.

Posted by PETE 2/1/05 10:45pm