"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of  petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."

                                          - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint

 

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                                Some Time This Century

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Email:  thejotel@gmail.com
Become a friend: profile.myspace.com/thejotel  

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THE JO-TEL IS:

Shark 

Hip E.

PETE

The Quail

Johnny D  

We get naked in bars way more than
you and you know what that means ...
We read Proust.

---

FEATURES*:

Jo-Tunes
The Review Review
Slang Dictionary
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Gay Hour
Touch The Monolith!
Hey Crackhead

* features are shit-hot

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CURRENTLY READING:

Hip E.
 - Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759-67)
 - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)

Shark
 - Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
 - Kevin Star, A History of California:
1840 - 1875. 
 - Paul Celan, Breathturn

PETE
 - Cormac McCarthy, Suttree

Johnny D.
 - Jean Luc d'Emo, Reel

The Quail
- Dave Eggers, What Is the What
- James Joyce, Ulysses
- Don Gifford, Ulysses Annotated 

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

Hip E.
 - Neko Case, Blacklisted (2002)
 - Hip E., Pando Mix Rev. 0  (2007)
 - Rock Plaza Central, Are We Not Horses? (2006)

Shark
 - Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Blank
Generation  (1977)
 - The Kinks, The Village Green Preservation
Society (1968)
 - Silver Apples, Contact (1969)

PETE
 - Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)

Johnny D
 - Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it (1980)
- The Blow, Paper Television (2006)
- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3 (1999)

The Quail
- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)

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MEET THE JOUSE GUESTS*:

John
Patsy
Linda
Jay
The Puma
Liz
Gabe
Merz
Tello
Jaskot
Tara
Cutler
Bock (kind of)
Pliska
Mini-Shark
The Goose (Carrie)
Bain
Fritz
Yahoo Serious
Laura-Lee
Fabulous L-Breeze
Saki
Kristin
Booby
Joe
Jonelle
Becca
Rebecca P.
Snake (slithering this way and that)
Matranga
Raphael (Little Mex)
Neva
Annie
Kathleen
Molly (honorary)
P.J.
Paul S.
Emily
Brew-Dogg
Reid
Reid's Girl
Downs
Some Chick who passed out
 on Shark's couch
Ross
Cameron
Mary (slut)
Miklos
Romie
Simon
Kubow
Becky B.
Walloch
John the Hippie
Stickler
Anna
Andrea
Ben
Lucy (dog)
Wilson
Lauren
JohnPatsyLady A.
Lauren's B/f
Jenny B.
Paul James (infant)
Beck E.
Lisa Says
Ben
Nick Martin
Caitlin
Melissa
Sosia
Riley
Nicole
Reid's friend (chiefed heavily)
Virginia

* A Jouse-guest is someone who has
   spent the night at the Jo-tel. 

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PAST PARTIES:

InDQ
Anti-Halloween
Anti-Anti Halloween
X-Mas in Mid-Nov
Beware the St. Ides of March

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 SF WEATHER PIXIE*:

* Weather Pixie does not work

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SHIT-HOT LINKS*:

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* Links updated never

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I'm on the trail of a chocolate soda for
my wife.
                           - Charlton Heston (1924 - )

 

Hip E. Push-up Report

I can do 90 push-ups in 89 minutes.  Don't mess with me.

Posted by Hip E.  7/13/2005  3:25pm

Found Porn

While searching for a good picture of the Golden Gate Bridge, I found this image of a rivet from the Golden Gate Bridge.  I don't know why the whole rivet would be painted international orange, that seems kind of unrealistic.  Nevertheless, it got me all horny:

Posted by Hip E.  7/13/2005  10:01am

Real World Has Awesome Graphics

As I was driving over the Bay bridge this morning as the sun rose behind me in the East, glinting off the beautiful San Francisco skyline which glittered there next to the Bay - The Queen of the Pacific - this thought actually passed through my mind:  "Wow, the real world has AMAZING graphics!"  This is a result of roommate Reid having bought Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for Playstation 2 from some dude off of Craigslist.  [Before I forget - Here is an effect of Craigslist on the real world:  The Chronicle has moved the crossword and puzzles to the Classifieds section in a desperate attempt to get people to look at their crappy little black & white text ads.]  San Andreas is one of the coolest video games ever made, and in it you drive around in stolen cars through "Los Santos", "San Fierro", and "Las Venturas", which are based on L.A., SF, and Las Vegas, respectively.  The graphics are pretty sweet, and while the towns are far from exact replicas, they have a lot in common with the real thing.  The Transamerica building, the Strip, Watts Towers, the Bay Bridge, etc.  On Saturday, Reid and I decided we were going to go to San Fierro even though we were supposed to be restricted to Los Santos at that stage of the game.  All the roads and bridges to San Fierro were blocked off, but it turns out you can swim across the bodies of water, it just takes a long time.  Unfortunately, when you get out of the water on the other side, legions of police immediately set upon you and you're pretty much screwed.  So then we tried to swim all the way up the Pacific Coast.  Did I mention we had been smoking and doing whip-its all day?  Oh yeah, we had.  And we just wanted to go to San Fierro and check out our neighborhood.  We just wanted to go home.  Anyway, we were up till three in the morning and we never did make it to Russian Hill before we got shot down.  Which brings me back to this morning, when I was driving across the bridge, and I noticed that the textures and rendering of the real world that I was looking at were extremely realistic and well done. 

I also wanted to post about "The Grand Theft Auto Effect", which is when you play GTA for a few days and then get in a real car and drive somewhere and you have to fight off the urge to run over pedestrians and force police cars into bridge abutments, but I think I'm running out of space.

Posted by Hip E.  7/13/2005  8:42am

Hip E. Leads Best Man Voting; Still Too Close To Call 

Pliska is the first one of any of "us" to get married. Up until now, marriage has been restricted to "them" - you know the sort I'm talking about. Not that I discourage them from doing that sort of thing, because weddings are freaking awesome. And it's not because there are tons of hot single chicks there who are put in some sort of magical trance when they see how good the bride looks and get all horny and make out with you on the dance floor like they say, because that has never happened to me. Which is cool because lately I've been going to most of my weddings with my lovely girlfriend Linda and if there's one thing I hate it's making a scene or causing a commotion. Weddings are great because you get to see a bunch of people you haven't seen forever, and you get to see who they're dating. You find your core group of people and then you usually pick up a few strangers from the other side of the aisle who turn out to be cool. Then you fill them in on some choice stories from the bride and/or groom's past that they might not have been aware of, and you all have a good laugh. There is usually some good drunken dancing.

If you're single, weddings are really fun because you can really turn the screws on your friends who have girlfriends. No wedding is complete without a few "So... when are You Two getting married?"'s. What else. There is always the one adolescent cousin or distant relative who has been dragged there against his will. He is the only person there his age, or else there are other people his age there but they are Way cooler than him and won't talk to him. No normal teenager has a suit, so he's often wearing some ill-fitting Dockers his mom bought him the day before along with one of his dad's old sport coats from the 80's. His pants are sagging and his tie has at least one picture of something on it. Also his hair sucks. Believe it or not, I was once this kid. On a lighter note, these days there has also got to be the attention-craving nine year-old future Road Rules cast member on the dancefloor. This kid is extremely bored throughout the ceremony [whoa - I just wrote 'cemetery' instead of 'ceremony'. Is that a bad sign?] and when everyone claps at the end it is like an alarm clock crossed with the opening theme song of the Ramblin' Rod Cartoon Hour (which I found out twenty years later was The Beatles' "Good Morning"). When the music starts he or she is on the floor, breaking it down. It's always fun to watch the progression among the adults. First, everyone has had at least three drinks by now - some, many more - so when the kid first gets down to it, everyone is delighted. There is much cheering and merriment. (Now might be a good time to needle your coupled-up friends about when They're going to be having kids). After awhile, some of the drunker revelers will start getting annoyed, because they actually really want to dance and not just stand around and watch the kid. Soon, faces of older women start to change as giggling whispers circulate through the twenty-something crowd, because the child has exhausted the novelty of the running man, the roger rabbit, and the lawn-sprinkler one, and has started to do a dance they saw some girls doing on the new 50 Cent video. This is extremely disturbing and pretty soon the mom comes out and is all "Honey, other people want to dance too, come on let's get you some food. And maybe a tiny bit of wine if it will put you to sleep so Mommy can have a cigarette in peace."

OK, I hope that was enough rambling to fill up the space next to these pictures of the happy couple. I'm really looking forward to Pliska's wedding next summer. It's going to be super fun. Good group of people. And I couldn't be more happy for him. The Goose is an amazing catch, and nobody can figure out how he did it, but they are perfect for each other. But enough about them, let's talk about me. I'm the Best Man so I have to give a speech. I've got a year to write it, so expectations will be high. Knowing my typical work process, I'll probably start working on it in earnest a couple days beforehand and end up with something involving a puppet and a Letterman-style cue card bit. I'm definitely going to have a little talk with the drummer beforehand, or at the very least bring a small snare to the mic with me. Sadly, I will never be able to match Brother Peetoom's silver-tongued benediction at Brother Wilson's wedding. The only thing I really remember from it was the part where he was like "...but instead, he threw a giant toga party at the White Ranch and we all got tickets for providing alcohol to minors!" That was awesome. Anyway, congratulations you guys!

Posted by Hip E. 7/12/2005 4:11pm  (photos courtesy of B. Williamse)

William Hung

Just got my allmusic.com new release newsletter. William Hung is apparently still at it, with his new album...

...

Miracles: Hung in the Sun.

Now, much like the vagina-shaped airbags from last month or the douche scent called "Island Splash" or the cover of Cosmo that read "Shocker!! The Newest Sex Trend All The Women Are Trying", this doesn't really need any elaboration to be funny. However, when has that stopped me from making terrible jokes before?

Hung in the Sun? Hmm... not impressed. Maybe if he titled it "Hung in the Ocean" or "Hung in the Non-Heated Pool"!!!! [drum hit, laugh track]. Thank you.

Posted by PETE 2005-07-11 20:20:33

Happy 40th Birthday SLURPEE

I don't think many will be surprised that today, 7/11/2005 is not only the 78th birthday of 7-11 Convenience Stores, but also the 40th birthday of the Slurpee. That being the case, as is the case on every July 11th, 7-11 is giving away free 7.11 oz. SLURPEEs for free to celebrate. YAAAAAAAAAY!!

SLURPEEs are awesome. My favorite is orange. My least favorite is blue.

Posted by PETE 2005-07-11 19:48:06

Engagement Month at the Jo-Tel: Pliska and Carrie

Congratulation to our friend and Jouseguest, Pliska for getting engaged to his girlfriend, Jouseguest Carrie "The Goose". This is our first Jouseguest to Jouseguest engagement, I believe.

I kind of feel like eHarmony.com right now. Damn.

I'm pretty sure that, unlike Condon's engagement, everything here is basically on the up and up and no horse tranquilizer was involved, although I did suspect some foul play that one time when Pliska, The Goose and I were playing Scrabble and she kept passing on every turn to draw 7 new tiles until finally she played the word(s)

HELPME

-while nodding in Pliska's direction. He didn't seem to notice so I swept up the tiles and informed her that "HELPME" was actually two words. Quoth the Goose:

"But I played it on a Double Word Score!"

I had suspected she was trying to send me a message but it turns out she had just been getting really shitty tiles and the HELPME was just a coincidence! Also, she was nodding at Pliska because it was his turn.

Anyhow, that's the best I've got this time around. Perhaps Hip E. will have something more to add.

Posted by PETE 2005-07-11 19:28:10

Bored on Bastille Day and can't afford a ticket on Air France?

Then come to the Beauty Bar, 19th and Mission where you are given the option of celebrating either PETE's birthday, or the storming of some shitty prison by a bunch of unshaven, cheese-eating assholes, alternately known as the only non-cowardly day in the history of modern France (according to the Asterix comics, Gauls were fucking bad asses. Wonder what happened?).

Posted by PETE 2005-07-11 18:58:54

I'll "How was the bank?" YOU!!!

Posted by PETE 2005-07-09 22:31:07

Random Notes.

I added a few features to the Jo-Tel today due to my ample free time at work. First things first though: no I do not know why the new pictures I added today disappear when you move the cursor over them. I will try to figure that out at some point though because it is annoying.

The most noticeable thing is the new Weather Pixie graphic on the menu bar. The Weather Pixie (you can choose lots of different weather people including goths, a midget, and a giesha. I chose the 20s flapper) changes clothes according to the weather! It's updated about once every hour. It's almost entirely pointless since the data comes from SFO but what can I say? The 20s flapper is sassy.

I also added a pageviews counter and exempted our home IP address and my work address, thus making it the most accurate visits counter yet since we can't inflate it by checking our totals, which we do... often.

Also of note: It's Johnny D's birthday! JOHNNY D!!!!

Posted by PETE 2005-07-09 21:29:39

Preston, Idaho

If you know why Preston, Idaho is famous without me having to tell you, then you're a dork. Period. If you don't, it's where Napoleon Dynamite was set and filmed (I didn't know that before I was sent this link, therefore I am cool and well-liked by my peers). I really recommend you check out the schedule of events for the Napoleon Dynamite Festival that was held a few weeks back. It's pretty sad... Preston Idaho is a Christopher Guest (thanks Inga) movie waiting to happen.

Posted by PETE 2005-07-09 20:25:05

Craziest Mother Fucker On The Planet Still Alive

Today, Pro-Skateboarder Danny Way became the first person ever to clear the Great Wall Of China without motorized assistance, while simultaneously giving the phrase "Skate Or Die" it's first ever literal usage.

Yeah...

HE JUMPED OVER THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA ON A FUCKING SKATEBOARD. Here he is on his third jump where, after becoming accustomed to the GIANT FUCK RAMP and the 50 mph plus speed, he decided to throw a backside 360°...

Read the whole article here. It's really interesting and I can't decide whether I'm more impressed with the physical jump or with the fact that some white SoCal punk has done something which no one else has done in like 2000 years. I don't think you're ever going to see a headline like "_____ Skateboards Into History" ever again so all you skaters better enjoy it.

So congratulations to Danny Way for not dying. Ghengis Khan would be proud. When you get back to Cali you should head down to the San Dimas mall and totally ravage Osmond's Sporting Goods. Yeah brah!

Update: video of all five jumps here. I recommend jumps 1,4,5,2 and 3. 

Posted by PETE 2005-07-09 15:37:25

Downs Under: Jo-Tel Australia Correspondent

More of Downs's adventures in the Bush and the Outback. Hmm... Never noticed that before. I wonder if Australians did that on purpose. Anyhow:

Posted by PETE 2005-07-09 13:58:30

Editme Site Hosting Services: Now with 33% more shit that can possibly fuck up your source code!!

Could it be? Has editme finally launched version 2? The page edit screen is totally new and revamped has a lot of cool and marginally useful features. I feel like I just got a new cellphone! I can now spellcheck as I work (i have to download a plug-in though, so nevermind). I can automatically insert the date and time with the touch of a button like so:

2005-07-09 11:45:19

Wow! To the second! That's slick! I can insert special characters, without having to look up their html code. For instance, the cent sign: ¢ which will come in handy when mentioning how much Walloch's mom charges for a night on the "Greek" islands (OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!) and I can also insert an emoticon to gauge Walloch's reaction to that playground zing like so:   . Hmm... I've never used these real emoticons before. That was strangely satisfying.  

Other features: subscript and superscript, which I think might have been there before but I didn't care. Now I can do proper creedence to Johnny D² And The Binomials. Oh, by the way, Johnny D now has a blog and it's pretty funny. Check the link on the Jouseguests list. It's your one stop shop for mind boggling non sequiturs and expensive camera equipment from Russian satellites that may or may not exist this week.

We can insert flash movies, which is sick but I think I'll let Hip E figure that one out.

But best of all, there's a mysterious button that looks like a brush and is labelled "Cleanup Messy Code". That's going to be great if it works but considering editme's track record with things of this nature, I'm afraid to actually click on it. I expect that my monitor will explode or that the USB ports will start spraying me with napalm. Maybe it will reactivate all the Cold War missle silos and lauch like 80 warheads at Russia. That would be way more probable that it actually cleaning up my messy code. Nevertheless, I will thank editme for their efforts.

Posted by PETE 2005-07-09 12:22:44 

Mormon Action Figures:  'By the Power of Numbskull, I Have The Power!!!'

From the real text of the real website that really sells these things:

The Brother of Jared was highly favored of the Lord because of his exceeding great faith. The Book of Mormon tells how he was instructed to build 8 barges to "...go forth across this raging deep in darkness." So the people could have light, he "...did molten out of a rock sixteen small stones." He asked the Lord to light them. The Lord touched the stones one by one with his finger. Because of his perfect faith "...the veil was taken from off the eyes of the Bother of Jared, and he saw the finger of the Lord."

$4.99 each

(With Glow in the Dark Stones)

It's funny because apparently he's called "Brother of Jared" throughout the whole thing, although all the rest of them have names.  Nice touch, Joseph.

Posted by Hip E.  7/8/2005  1:18pm

Katie Holmes Brain Diet:  Super-sized to Shiavo-sized in time for Summer!

Katie holmes met Tom Cruise in early April, and between then and early July she had been reduced to the equivalent of a walking answering machine.  This article in W magazine makes fun of her a lot, which is nice:

"I've found the man of my dreams"

"On that note," she replies, "I love him."

"From the moment I met him it just felt like I'd known him forever. I was blown away. He's the most incredible man. He's so generous and kind, and he helps so many people, and, um, he makes me laugh like I've never laughed, and he's a great friend...."

"I've never met anyone like Tom"

"Tom and I will always be in our honeymoon phase."

"Chris and I care about each other and we're still friends. Tom is the most incredible man in the world."

"Meeting Tom-I'm just exhilarated. He makes me laugh, we have fun, we understand each other, everything is so aligned. I feel so lucky and so-like I've been given such a gift, such a gift, you know?" She pauses. "And it's just really amazing."

"He's the man of my dreams."

"Yeah. I mean, I'm just so happy and I love celebrating our happiness. I can't keep it in."

"Tom's so supportive and he's such an inspiration"

I would give up my right to bear arms, and possibly even my right to petition the government for redress of grievances in exchange for a video of TomKat just sitting in his apartment together and talking.  The funny thing is I bet there's a guy at Scientology headquarters watching that video right now. 

Oh, and that reminds me of a great moment in comedy, when Foudy, pretending to be Albatross, left a message on Shark's answering machine and was like "...and another thing!  why do they call it an 'Answering Machine'?  I've got tons of questions and I've gotten anwers for none of them!  It's more like a 'Doesn't Answer Shit Machine'!!"

Posted by Hip E.  7/8/2005  1:03pm

Uglies, Beats Make Bad Boyfriends, Philanthropists

According to a new study, ugly people make less money than average looking people, and attractive people make more money than average looking people.  Apparently Bill Gates is the most attractive man alive.  I know he's made me question my heterosexuality on many occasions, most recently just this morning in the shower.  I bet he's completely ripped to shreds.  They actually used him as a body double for Brad Pitt in "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" when Pitt was humping Angelina Jolie like a randy platypus in her trailer.  They ran into problems though when Gates's gargantuan penis kept falling out of the tiny flesh-colored underwear they use for the nude scenes.  Don't quit your day job, Bill!

Posted by Hip E.  7/8/2005  12:30pm

The Jo-Tel: We get fan mail.

Dear Beloved Jo-Tel,

Due to the sudden death of my husband General Abacha
the former head of state of Nigeria in June 1998, I
have been thrown into a state of hopelessness by the
present administration. I have lost confidence with
anybody within my country. I got your contacts through
personal research,and had to reach you through this
medium. I will give you more details when you reply.
Due to security  network placed on my daily affairs I
can't visit the embassy so that is why I have contacted
you. My husband deposited $12.6 million dollars with a
security firm abroad whose name is witheld for now
till we communicate. I will be happy if you can
receive this funds for safe keeping and I assure you a
very good percent of this fund I will instruct my son
to contact you so please feel free to comunicate with
my son. I await your urgent response,
Hajia Mariam.
NOTE:
PLEASE I WOULD WANT YOU TO REPLY ME VIA MY PRIVATE
EMAIL ADDRESS:
m3078@sify.com
AND ALSO SEND ME YOUR CONTACT TELEPHONE NUMBER SO THAT
MY SON MUSTAPHA
CAN CALL AND DISCUSS WITH YOU VERBALLY REGARDING THIS
TRANSACTION SO THAT YOU CAN ASK ANY QUESTION THAT YOU
FEEL LIKE ASKING REGARDING THIS TRANSACTION.

Dear Hajia,

We'd love to help. My number is 415 867 3877 (It's spells TORE UPP. The second 'P' is for Prizes!). A cut of that money sounds great! And I'm sure Hip E would agree because he's about to be out of work. With a couple million we could really spruce up the place, maybe get a new TV, a foosball table, a G-Wagin with class six armor plating to protect us from the haters. I look forward to speaking with Mustapha.

Sincerely,
PETE

Posted by PETE 7/7/05 1:26pm

Condon is engaged (to be married)

I'm still not sure this isn't a joke, but I think my friend Condon got engaged over the weekend to his girlfriend of 300,000 years, Liz. I haven't called Condon yet to find out the details but I imagine the proposal went something like this:

Setting: Liz's place, 3am.

Liz: Man, I'm so drunk. I feel kind of weird, Sean. I think someone may have slipped something in my drink tonight.

Sean: Uh... you probabaly just had too much Midori. I'm sure you'll sleep it off.

[Condon moves towards the window, removes now empty vial of horse tranquilizer from the pocket of his no-doubt tattered khakis and tosses it outside.]

Liz: I don't think it was the Midori... I really feel strange. I... can't keep... ... my... ...

[Liz passes out. Condon, wasting no time, retrieves his jacket from the coat rack and pulls out his engagement ring: a ten penny washer that he had filed down, spray painted gold, and then rolled in glitter. The "rock" was originally a piece of ice that he'd taken from the freezer a few hours earlier. To his chagrin it had melted in his pocket. He needed a new rock and quick, as he had horse tranquilized Liz many times before and she had built up quite a tolerance. She could wake up any minute. Time was of the essence! Condon runs into the bedroom and throws open Liz's jewelry box. There isn't much left of value, as he had been stealing jewelry from her for quite some time to sell on the street for crack... ... ... ... CRACK! "That's it!" Condon thinks to himself! He grabs a gold necklace that had been in Liz's family for five generations and bolts out the front door, headed towards Tello's. Condon arrives at Tello's out of breath to find him passed out on the floor with his pants around his ankles and a needle still stuck in his arm. Condon steps carefully over his limp body and stars shaking out the various crack pipes on the table, looking for a spare rock. Finally, one falls out and skitters accross the floor. Condon rushes to retrieve it but the sound awakens Tello from his stupor.]

Tello: Condon you bastard! Get back here with my crack! HOLLA!

[Tello reaches out and grabs Condon's pant leg as he's trying to flee. Caught in a junkies iron grip, Condon searches in vain for a solution. He notices a pair of scissors on a nearby shelf. He grabs them, turns around and begins stabbing Tello repeatedly in the arm, but the amount of heroin in Tello's system prevents him from feeling any pain whatsoever. His only interest is getting to that sweet, sweet crack. Finally, Condon succeeds in severing several tendons in Tello's wrist, causing his grip to weaken enough to let go of the pant leg. Condon, finally free and with crack rock in hand, hurries outside. He has no idea how long he's been gone. Liz could easily be awake again. He hails a cab, jumps inside and throws the gold necklace at the driver.]

Condon: Get me uptown quick! I knocked out my girlfriend with horse tranquilizers so I could propose to her, but they're going to wear off any second!

Cabbie: Condon... is that you?

Condon: ...

Cabbie: It's me! Pam Condon! Don't you even recogzine your own mother?

Condon: GOD DAMMIT MOM YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID NOW FUCKING STEP ON IT!!!

[In the back of the cab, Condon pulls out a roll of scotch tape and tapes the small, half-smoked piece of crack to his glitter ring]

Pam Condon: Here you are. Call me!

[Condon rushes up the stairs and bursts in the door to find Liz stirring. He runs around to the front of the couch and grabs her left hand, sliding the ring onto her finger.]

Condon: Liz, will you marry me? [Condon grabs Liz's head and manually nods it in an affirmative motion.] Oh! I'm so happy!

[He then collapses next to her, exhausted.]

Hours later.

[Liz wakes up with a splitting headache and notices the "ring" on her finger]

Liz: Oh my God, what did I do last night? What is this thing? Why is there crack taped to this washer?

FIN

...or something like that. Anyways, congratulations to Condon and Liz. We'll celebrate when I get home next week.

Posted by PETE 7/7/05 12:57pm

Why Merz... Why?

Okay, I'm going to post this link, but I'm not happy about it particularly. Here you go.

Posted by PETE 7/7/05 12:03pm

Living without Shark.

I don't think we've mentioned that Shark has been in absebtia from the Jo-Tel for the past two months. He's down in L.A. studying for the Bar Exam, which he will no doubt pass as he is a bad ass when it comes to becoming a disgusting yuppie lawyer (no offense Inga). Living without Shark has it's merits, to be sure. Paramount among them being that the Jo-Tel is, at any given moment, 99% cleaner with him not around. Also, I can sleep a bit easier when I have left-overs in the fridge, knowing that they won't be eaten by someone who is not me. Also, Hip E and I can watch TV and play video games in peace without fear of a slightly intoxicated Shark stumbling into the living room with a dog-eared copy of Neitzsche in one hand, rough draft of an original epic poem about suburbia in the other, berating us for wasting our lives, and making me fuck up my 35 foot putt in Mario Golf, giving Hip E. the victory.

But I gotta say, I do occasionally miss the saltiness - the extreme levels of frothing, vitriolic spite that only Shark can bring to the Jo-Tel. Hip E and I can't compete. It's weird going an entire week without being called intellectually inferior or a wastrel or some such... Sometimes a man needs to be villified for no reason, which is why I will now reprint in it's entirety a salty email courtesy of a now fully-bearded Shark, about the state of the jo-tel blog.

Hope you enjoy!

EXAMPLE OF A TYPICALLY IMPENETRABLE HIP E POST/ LINK:

Excuse me young priest, but you'll never be a college student

This link [hyperlink to some strange site] turns water into L. Ron Hubbard's [hyperlink to Scientology site] shattered ego.  Where's the poo [hyperlink to Jimmy Fallon fan site] gone??

Posted by Hip E. [understood by no one]

Thanks Shark. Sometimes we think you've forgotten about us. Anything to say about Johnny D's new blog?

Posted by PETE 7/7/05 11:55am

Question 12

Rider entered a subway car at the 42nd Street station. Since all of the seats were occupied, Rider stood in the subway car and grabbed a nearby pole to secure his balance. As the subway car was proceeding crosstown, Rider glanced at a voluptuous blonde girl standing next to him. Suddenly, the subway car made an unexpected stop. Rider momentarily lost his balance, and grabbed the blonde girl around the waist (to avoid falling). Once Rider regained his balance, he removed his hands from the girl's waist and grasped the pole again.

In a civil action instituted by the blonde girl against Rider, he will most likely be found

(A) liable for battery
(B) liable, if Rider mistakenly believed that the girl consented to the contact
(C) not liable, since Rider's conduct was socially acceptable under the circumstances
(D) not liable, since the girl was not harmed by the conduct

[from bar review practice question in the area of torts. see comments for answer.]

Posted by Shark 7/5/05 10:35

Those were the Days

Eighty years ago this month John Scopes was convicted of teaching Evolution in his Biology class in Dayton, Ohio and was fined $100. But in reality, Evolution is a true story and William Jennings Bryon was a dumbass. Sadly, we're still dealing with this crap. NPR has a very good rundown of the case.

Update: PETE is going to fill in all this empty space that Hip E left next to this FBI file photo of what Tara Reid is going to look like in 8 years because PETE doesn't like empty space as it is not aesthetically pleasing to anyone except maybe the occassional photographer and even they refer to it as "negative space". Hmm... still some ways to go. Well it's 10:45am on Thursday and I have the day off which is nice except not really because I still have to go into work at some point and work, but not right now. Right now I'm going to archive June and take a look at our no doubt shitty July numbers. Then I'll probably take my comforter to the dry cleaners and then pay our July rent. Maybe, if there's time, I'll head over to Home Depot!

Okay, that's enough. Fuck negative space.

Posted by Hip E. 7/5/2005 4:20pm

Cruisin' USA

Looking forward to a beautiful, sunny July full of The Cruise doing more shit like this. Awesome.

Posted by Hip E. 7/5/2005 1:12pm