"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."
- Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint
Some Time This Century
Home
RSS Feed
Email: thejotel@gmail.com
Become a friend: profile.myspace.com/thejotel
THE JO-TEL IS:
Shark
Hip E.
PETE
Johnny D
We get naked in bars way more thanyou and you know what that means ...
We read Proust.
FEATURES*:
Jo-Tunes
The Review Review
Slang Dictionary
InDQs
Gay Hour
Touch The Monolith!
Hey Crackhead
* features are shit-hot
CURRENTLY READING:
Hip E.
- Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759-67)
- Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)
Shark
- Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
- Kevin Star, A History of California:
1840 - 1875.
- Paul Celan, Breathturn
PETE
- Cormac McCarthy, Suttree
Johnny D.
- Jean Luc d'Emo, Reel
The Quail
- Dave Eggers, What Is the What
- James Joyce, Ulysses
- Don Gifford, Ulysses Annotated
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
Hip E.
- Neko Case, Blacklisted (2002)
- Hip E., Pando Mix Rev. 0 (2007)
- Rock Plaza Central, Are We Not Horses? (2006)
Shark
- Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Blank
Generation (1977)
- The Kinks, The Village Green Preservation
Society (1968)
- Silver Apples, Contact (1969)
PETE
- Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)
Johnny D
- Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it (1980)
- The Blow, Paper Television (2006)
- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3 (1999)
The Quail
- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)
ARCHIVES:
September 04-1
September 04-2
October 04
November 04
December 04-1
December 04-2
January 05
February 05
March 05-1
March 05-2
April 05-1
April 05-2
May 05-1
May 05-2
June 05
July 05-1
July 05-2
August 05
September 05
October 05
November 05 December 05
January 06
February 06
March 06
April 06
May 06
June 06
July 06
August 06
September 06
October 06
November 06
December 06-1
December 06-2
January 07
MEET THE JOUSE GUESTS*:
JohnPatsy
Linda
Jay
The Puma
Liz
Gabe
Merz
Tello
Jaskot
Tara
Cutler
Bock (kind of)
Pliska
Mini-Shark
The Goose (Carrie)
Bain
Fritz
Yahoo Serious
Laura-Lee
Fabulous L-Breeze
Saki
Kristin
Booby
Joe
Jonelle
Becca
Rebecca P.
Snake (slithering this way and that)
Matranga
Raphael (Little Mex)
Neva
Annie
Kathleen
Paul S.
Emily
Brew-Dogg
Reid
Reid's Girl
Downs
Some Chick who passed out
on Shark's couch
Ross
Cameron
Mary (slut)
Miklos
Romie
Simon
Kubow
Becky B.
Walloch
John the Hippie
Stickler
Anna
Andrea
Ben
Lucy (dog)
Wilson
Lauren
JohnPatsyLady A.
Lauren's B/f
Jenny B.
Paul James (infant)
Beck E.
Lisa Says
Ben
Nick Martin
Caitlin
Melissa
Sosia
Riley
Nicole
Reid's friend (chiefed heavily)
Virginia
* A Jouse-guest is someone who has
spent the night at the Jo-tel.
PAST PARTIES:
InDQ
Anti-Halloween
Anti-Anti Halloween
X-Mas in Mid-Nov
Beware the St. Ides of March
SF WEATHER PIXIE*:
SHIT-HOT LINKS*:
Blogs
The PUMA
Rehab Star
The Sticklers
NoBrowMedia
Johnny D.
Becky B
Kyle
Cupcake Club
Evil Prom Queen
Johnwalsh
Load
Alex Blagg
The Phat Phree
Defamer
ThatsJustNotRight
The Fug Girls
Maddox
The Sports Guy
The SFist
Martin Van Buren
SuperModelPersonals
Thighs Wide Shut
Gawker
Gridskipper
The Superficial
Music
Pitchfork
Q
All Music
Coke Machine Glow
Stylus
Metacritic
Launch (for videos)
musicREVU (badass)
Scrabble
Play Free Online
Scrabble Blast
Word Lists
Mike Wolfberg
Hey Crackhead
I'm on the trail of a chocolate soda for
my wife.
- Charlton Heston (1924 - )
In Russian Hill did THE JO-TEL a stately pleasure dome decree... | Show Menu |
A Gay Porno Title I Thought of at Linda's House
Cock: A Dude 'll Do
Posted by Hip E. 7/29/2005 8:09am
Find the Jo-Tel
Tomorrow I'm going to try and convince everyone to roll over to my and Johnny D's old stomping ground, Milk Bar in the Haight to see Diplo. You guys should come. Both Milk Bar and Diplo are good times. I would make a suggestion for Saturday, but Gabe is in town and we'll most likely be at his sister's housewarming party staring at her booze. Oh yeah, and congratulations to Shark and Gabe for finishing the Bar today.
PS Gabe. What's your new number? Holla! (see Emily?)
Posted by PETE 2005-07-28 20:20:06
This... Is Cool.
I should probably catch this show next time I'm in New York...
Keely is spelled incorrectly by I'll take it. Members of the Jo-Tel who have an eponymous Broadway musical: 1.
Posted by PETE 2005-07-28 20:14:39
Marion Birdy
Most terrible title ever? probably, but my alternative was Snoop Birdy Bird. Anyhow, I meant to post this long, long ago. It was in some massive 20gb email Johnny D sent out that were all these award winning photos. All of them were pretty sick but I especially liked this one.
I still don't really get what's going on here. Obviously the coolest explanation would be that the bird is alive and the smoke is clouds in the backgroud. But it doesn't really look like clouds and the bird looks fake kind of. Either way, great photograph. I just hope no teen comedy writer sees this and is like "The dog smoking weed has been done to death but no one's gone the BIRD angle! Genius!" and then get to work on a buddy cop comedy staring Jason Biggs and a Macaw who always botches the investigation because he's too busy getting high...
"My new partner is a parrot?!? Oh come on, Chief!"
Actually... That might be pretty good.
Posted by PETE 2005-07-28 19:50:52
While I'm on the missing actor subject...
Where the fuck is my boy, Sean Connery? You can't go out with League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Not like this, Sean. Not like this.
Posted by PETE 2005-07-28 19:14:30
Muthafuckas Act Like They Forgot About Winona
That indie haircut thing got me to thinking that 1) I haven't seen Winona Ryder in anything in a while 2) Winona Ryder is what the kids call attractive. A quick glance at her imdb profile says she has 4 movies in post production right now, which is cool. And I guess the last major parts she had were in Sim0ne, the movie otherwise known as a lethal dose of sleeping pills for Pacino's legacy, and as Adam Sandler's love interest in Mr. Deeds, which I heard was no Little Nicky. I also learned that she was born Winona Horowitz and that she was named after the town she was born in, Winona, Minnesota. Fortunately for her, her parents had just recently moved to Winona from Secaucus, New Jersey. Dodged the bullet there. Hey, remeber how hot she was in Dracula?
Anyhow, I was also thinking 3) It's about time for a new desktop wallpaper at work. Right now it's still some old picture of Lohan when she was still a hot redhead, not some trashy blonde who's one missing tooth away from dating Kid Rock's drummer. So since I couldn't find a good screen capture of her lighting her cigarette off an exploding Christian Slater, I just went with this:
I still think her and Johnny Depp was the best couple in Hollywood history. Which reminds me, can someone please PLEASE bring out the first season of 21 Jump Street on DVD?
Update: Nevermind. Commence ordering.
Posted by PETE 2005-07-28 19:04:37
Best Movie Casting Move Ever...
Having Keith Richards play Johnny Depp's father in the sequel to Pirates Of The Caribbean. Now if only they could get Jessica Alba to play his slutty sister...
Posted by PETE 2005-07-28 15:14:27
God Damn Those Half-Japanese Girls
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I really want to see a tiny little Japanese woman eat a piece of sushi. Because I don't get it. There are no knives. Let's take the California Roll for instance. It is delicately constructed of several different indredients, held together by an invincible membrane of leathery seaweed. To get the intended flavor of the California Roll, you need to have the crab AND the avocado AND whatever vegetable it is ALL in your mouth at the same time. Seemingly, they would just make it so that each round slice of the roll would be the size of one bite. But it's not. I'm a regular-sized dude. I have a normal-sized mouth. But only about 25% of San Francisco California Rolls will fit in there. I want to know, WHAT THE HELL DO THOSE TINY JAPANESE GIRLS DO??? Am I missing something here? (Obviously I am). Any answer that involves eating the crab part in a separate bite from the cucumber part will be roundly rejected.
Similarly, would it kill people to make a sandwich where the ingredients are spread evenly across the bread surface? In the perfect sandwich, each bite would have the exact same amount and proportion of meat to cheese to lettuce to tomato to sprouts to mustard to mayo. If I wanted an ice cream scoop shaped ball of pastrami with bread and vegetables nearby, I would have asked for that. Every bite of the sandwich should be almost exactly the same as every other bite. Why do I have to be so much better than other people?? Why!?!!?
P.S. Half-Japanese girls are often great, that was just a Weezer lyric. Don't look at me like that. I just finished "Memoirs of a Geisha" and it was pretty good!
Posted by Hip E. 7/27/2005 3:54pm
Laguna Beach Better With Subtitles
With apologies to Linda for use of the word "nail", here's the email I sent to the Network today:
By the way, Laguna Beach was on in the gym at lunch today, with subtitles. It's crazy, I had missed like 75% of what was said when we watched it the other day. Next episode we need absolute quiet. During Lo's Christmas party, Kristin was talking to the gay dude about her "new guy" and she was all "I'll tell you all about it later." and he was all "does Steven know?" and she was like "he knows about him, but not the extent of it" and then she made the lip-zip motion because Steven was there. Then later she got a call or text or picture from him on her cell and was like "oh my god I'm in love!" to her friends. I completely missed all of that the first time. She is playing Steve like a fiddle, it is brutality. He really needs to nail L.C. as many times as he can before her current zero-self-esteem college dropout phase is over.
Wow, I kind of sound like a character on Laguna Beach there. Hmmm.. In other news, I now weigh 157 pounds, the most I've ever weighed in my life!
Posted by Hip E. 7/27/2005 3:45pm
Shark is Taking the Bar
That's dirty.
Posted by Hip E. 7/27/2005 8:12am
Kristin gains like, 2lbs.! GROSS!
Laguna Beach Season 2? So far, not impressed at all. None of the new girls are all that special (though the uber-rich, dumb as bricks beauty queen with her own stylist is promising), and none of the new dudes are great characters, though to be fair they didn't really concentrate on them too much. However, the whole staged and scripted thing is much, much more obvious this time around. They've added more cameras, more shot-reaction shot sequences and more obviously scripted dialogue and situations. (it's really bad when they're trying to introduce the new characters. You get conversations where the person's who life story and at least 2 hobbies and 3 neuroses are exposed within 90 seconds, just like in real life!).
Examples of manufacturing: having Kristin call Stephen while he's out to dinner with LC and him sending her to voicemail after crying and begging her to call him at Lo's party. Or having Kristin ask her friend "If you could hook up with any guy in our class who would it be?" And then her refusing and Kristin being like "No! You have to pick one! MTV won't pay me if you dodge the question!" That was a bit heavy handed. Or the worst: having Stephen and LC play footsy in her hot tub but not make out (or not show them making out) because they don't want to ruin the suspense.
Weak.
I wonder if they just film it like a movie now and get all the shooting done for one set at once. Like they filmed all 8 hot tub scenes for the season over the course of two evenings, and they're just going to spread them out. Last night was footsy, next week maybe underwater hand holding or heavy petting, two weeks later eskimo kisses, season finale they bring in the donkeys. I can just imagine the producer hanging out just off frame and being like "Okay... don't kiss. That's not until hot tub scene 3. Next we're gonna jump straight to filming the donkeys because we only have them until tomorrow morning. Donkeys are expensive. And where's my fucking latte? JULIO! LATTE!"
This better improve.
N.B. It's really hard to find pictures of Kristin on the internet. That should also improve. This was the best I could do:
Posted by PETE 2005-07-26 18:18:43
Jo-Tel Home-Made Non Sequiturs
As an introduction I should explain what I mean by homemade non sequitur. Basically it's a quotation that makes perfect sense in the context of which it was said but when taken out of context on purpose by us, it generally takes on further levels of hilarity. Example: one of my favorites was a quote from Patsy,
"Get your penis out of my ugg!"
Now, I imagine when you the reader saw that you might have perhaps chuckled to yourself and thought "My! What an odd thing to say! I wonder what prompted such an utterance!" Yes well... taken IN context she was actually demanding that a naked Shark remove his semi-erect penis from her pink ugg boot (Hey! Somebody just coined a new euphemism!) Nothing non sequitur about that! Why did Shark have his penis in her Ugg? That's another question for another day. See how that works, though? Good. Now, generally we reserve these non non sequiturs for the top of our menu at left, but occasionally one comes along that is so good that it deserves it's own post so congratulations to jouseguest Jay for THIS little gem:
It's like you tear it, you stitch it up, and then you have a baby! It's totally worth it.
Posted by PETE 2005-07-26 01:16:22
No, we don't know. Please tell us...
Tell me if anyone else finds the following exchange funny:
[At the Jo-Tel. PETE, Hip E., The Stick, Reid, Thrill, Patsy watching Family Guy]
Peter: What's the matter Lois? Don't you wanna do your little turn on the catwalk? ... Yeah, on the catwalk. ... On the catwalk, yeah. ... Do your little turn on the catwalk?
All: [moderate laughter]
Reid: Do you guys know where that's from?
Posted by PETE 2005-07-25 19:44:25
It's really hard to tell a girl with big boobs that she has something on her shirt.
It is. I'm just trying to be helpful...
Posted by PETE 2005-07-25 18:35:05
Hip E. Fucked Up. Lots of Cruise News Today.
Not really but I did find this:
On this Web site. The same guys also make this Web site, which is also classic.
Posted by PETE 2005-07-22 18:02:58
Wow. I mean wow.
This is shaping up into a great day for me. I mean, I didn't think yesterday could really be topped, what with the spy photos of the new BMW M5 Touring Wagon I found (a month late) on German Car Fan (You see, a BMW M5 Station Wagon has always been my dream car of dream cars. I like station wagons anyways, but the idea of a family car crushing a Corvette in the quarter mile, leaving its small penised occupant staining his rayon shirt with salty tears, really appeals to me on a number of levels that no Ferrari, Bentley, or classic muscle car can match. BMW did make a few (like less than 900) in the early 90s but all for the Euros) but evidently I was wrong because not only did I wake up to a veritable smorgasbord of news suggesting that Rove is most likely well on his way to Federal Pound-Me-In-The Ass prison, but also to this:House and Senate negotiators on an energy bill agreed to begin daylight-saving time three weeks earlier, on the second Sunday in March, and extend it by one week to the first Sunday in November.
This is just... I can't imagine anything sweeter. Longtime readers of the Jo-tel will know with what distaste I view the end of daylight-savings time. It's probably my least favorite day of the year... that or Valentine's Day. Kind of a tie. But since I don't expect that the powerful and influential Candy Heart lobby will allow any anti-V-Day legislation to pass through Congress this is basically the best it gets for me. Added bonus: this is the first time this particular Congress has done ANYTHING I agree with.
Also, tonight I'm going to this. Classic Looney Tunes shorts on the big screen with a live orchestra playing the soundtrack? AYFKMRN???
Posted by PETE 2005-07-22 16:41:13
If Scientology were a AD&D character, it would be a Chaotic Evil Paladin with a 20+ charisma...
Since Hip E. just went sailing (his job is very hard) I guess I'm going to be forced to pick up the slack on the Scientology is insane and evil beat. This article was just published today in the New York Press. Basically par for the course.
Posted by PETE 2005-07-22 15:23:02
I don't mean to "impume"
I was going to wait a bit longer until his body of work had increased substantially, but I'm jumping the gun because he posted about my birthday party before I did. The Mission is good. The Mission is fun. Think on these things, the PUMA has.
Posted by PETE 2005-07-22 14:25:06
AIRSCARF!
Not really one to lust after cars. Actually, that's a lie. Materialism! Yay America! However, and this is not a lie, I do tend to appreicate luxury vehicles in more of a "What will they think of next?" type of way, which is why this stuck out from a recent article about the new Mercedes SLK 350:
Make it a convertible for more than just one season. Combine a 3-stage variable warm air vent in the headrest with heated seats and you might feel that you and your SLK can control nature. Drive with the top down and stay comfortable even as the outside air begins to chill and leaves fall from the trees. This is the SLK AIRSCARF.
I'm surprised it took someone this long to come up with it. AIRSCARF... how drole. How utterly Euro! If they put this on the G-Wagon I might actually have to buy one.
Gelaendenwagen!!!
15 mpg Freeway? 85 mph top speed? Who cares! AIRSCARF!!!
Posted by PETE 2005-07-21 18:58:02
By This Time, My Lungs Were BURSTING For Air!
I've withered away to a stringy organic lump in the past few weeks for want of KRRRRRAZY Tom Cruise shenanigans! For now, I guess this Scientology tidbit from Gawker will have to do. Sending goons to indimidate reporters - that's the Scientology I know and love. For a second I thought they were going soft on us!
P.S. The title is a Lloyd Bridges quote lampooned on a random episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 that I saw in High School. Just doing a little spring cleaning in my brain. By the way, they don't call it "High" School for nothin'!!!
Posted by Hip E. 7/21/2005 12:57pm
LINKMANIA!! OMG!!!!
According to Cimi, this is so 2004, but I didn't see it in 2004; I saw it yesterday and it is genius. The girl pictures are ALL Wynona Rider. That's just a level of hilarity that I could never even aspire to operate on. Wow.
Then there's this from the same Web site. Hipster Bingo. It's too easy in SF though, as there are plenty of bars we frequent that could easily fill this card just from the people outside smoking. Still though...
Then there's also http://www.stuffonmycat.com/. It is exactly what it sounds like, pictures of people stacking stuff on their cats and the cats not caring (obviously). Doesn't sound that cool? Fine. Check THIS out:
[link broken. Just picture a half-awake cat with varison video game controllers stacker on top of him/her, including a NES Advantage joystick with optional turbo!]
Links via Reasoner, which is a very nice site that will be added to the blogroll. I might also add that I like their layout. They obviously have the nerd power that the Jo-Tel so desperately lacks. Argh!
Posted by PETE 2005-07-21 12:34:11
Correction.
This is the best shirt I saw in Chicago:
All mesh, baby. For comfort in the Chicago summer heat, this is the only way to fly. Also, does anyone else find this guy's LIVE STRONG bracelet funny? Combined with the whistle and the headband I'm going to guess... PhysEd. teacher. Which reminds me of a funny Jim Gaffigan joke:
"PhysEd. teacher, there's an interesting job. How do they pick that one? 'Well I know I want to teach... but I don't want to read. Hmm...'"
Posted by PETE 2005-07-21 11:58:10
You Got Served 2: Supreme Court Nominee Jr.
God that's a bad title. But this is truly a classic moment in American history.
Posted by Hip E. 7/20/2005 4:54pm
I [heart] Laguna Beach
As you guys may know, this is a big week for the best show on TV, Laguna Beach. Season 1 came out on DVD yesterday and Season 2 premiers next Monday the 25th (10/9c). I'm very excited to see what kind of special features they include on the DVDs. I'm kind of hoping for a maybe a slow motion montage of Kristin climbing out of various pools and hot tubs (and the ocean). That would be ideal. I've meant to write about how awesome Laguna Beach is a bunch of times but I never felt that I really had anything to say except, you know, Kristin is hot and Stephen and LC (also hot) go to school in SF (though I guess LC dropped out, which is disappointing as I imagine her reasons involved at least one objection to having to be around "poor people" or "minorities") and how Jay saw Stephen at a restaurant (OMG!!) a few months ago.
Not the case today however, as I have just received "the goods," as they say. One of my best friends from college, who has asked to remain incognito, is from Laguna Beach and when I informed her that it was like, my favorite show she began to sing like a canary. What follows is our uncensored conversation:
[Source]:
Dude-
It is your favorite show... Well, I have a little inside info.
I used to baby sit Lo, and her older sister ([Lo's sister's real name]) was a Kappa at Cal (two years yonger than you). Lo sucks, but her sister is great. I ran into her at Dateway (the Safeway in the Marina) last night. She just moved into the city, and is floating around. Maybe I will forward your party invite to her...
You would totally geek out if she came. (True.)
Also, I went out to Kell's (A bar in North Beach where the female clientele would most likely be very familiar with LB) with Stephen last October. He is really good friends with my friend's little brother. He sucks.
PS The girls are just as party obsessed and trashy as they make them out to be on the show.
PETE:
... That is SO awesome.
Season 1 just came out on DVD yesterday. I'll probably pick it up which is funny because I gave my friends all types of shit for buying season 1 of The O.C. and this is like 1000 times worse.
Do you know anything about L.C.? Like... is she into redheads?
[Source]:
Who isn't into red heads?
PETE:
Touche.
I'm still curious to see how the show is actually shot because it's obviously not a reality show at all. They get all sorts of complicated angles that I KNOW would take hours to set and light. Just look at the scenes shot inside cars. I really don't get it.
[Source]:
Well, that is the beauty of the show. It is 100% scripted... and so ridiculous.
PETE:
100%?
Wow. That's amazing.
[Source]:
Best part: the high school refused to let MTV come to any school sponsored events, so MTV had to create (and pay for) ridiculous events on their own (trip to Catalina, hotel party, etc.) just to have something to shoot. Also, MTV paid S.A.G. min wages (I think $15/hour) and paid for their limo for prom. Not much of a salary. Totally exploited the little kiddies. It is ok b/c Lo is a ho.
That is hot hot HOT! I can just imagine the kids waiting around while MTV rigs their cars with like 8 cameras so they can shoot their trip to J-Box. I'm actually surprised they got paid at all. If I was the MTV exec. in this case I'd be like: "Okay here's the deal. You already live in Laguna Beach. You're all richer than I am and we're going to make you famous for being cool, rich, and good looking. I don't really see a downside for you. In fact, how about you buy me a new Range Rover and we'll call it even?" Really, what's LC gonna do with her $15/hr? Buy 1/3 of a shirt? Perhaps an appetizer at Matsuhisa? A new keychain? I'm obviously going to badger [Source] for more information, now that she has signed a release agreement. Just call me Robert Novak... except I don't look like one of the puppets from Labyrinth. One more:
PETE:
When you went to Kell's did Stephen get recognized?
[Source]:
Yeah, it was classic. Only the beat girls recognized him. One had six toes and decided to take off her shoes and show him. It was hilarious.
Indeed... I would in fact characterize that as EXTREMELY hilarious. I love Laguna Beach.
Posted by PETE 2005-07-20 15:19:23
Party Invitation...
Here's a copy of the party invitation I wrote. I generally pride myself on my invitation emails. This one isn't my best but I think it turned out pretty well. I like regular old e-mails because you have the option of giving each invitation personal touches, depending on who you're sending it to. E-vites are so cold and impersonal. Plus they're ugly and they stank! Actually we all hate E-vites here. Have you ever noticed that when you send out an e-vite, half the people who say "Yes, I'm coming" don't come and half the people that say "Sorry, I can't come" wind up coming because their other plans fell through? That's textbook useless, folks. Then you have the whole "no one responds" phenomenon which is endemic to our lazy ass friends who somehow still manage to come out and drink our booze. Anyways, maybe Hip E can do a funnier anti-e-vite rant. Here's the invitation:
It's been a few months and it's time for another Jo-Tel party. What's the theme this time? There isn't one.
Like you care.
Now here's the point where I generally try and convince you how much fun you'll have if you decide to attend but I'll skip it. You know how our parties go by now. Beer. Assorted Booze. Dancefloor. A live performance by TV's Alfonso Ribeiro. A visibly intoxicated Jessica Alba threatening to beat the crap out of Stephen Hawking for stealing her equations. Lil' Jon accidently dropping his "Crunk Juice" goblet in the toilet, and expressing his anger through interpretive dance. The Cops showing up. Kate Bosworth passed out under PETE's desk, snoring like a lumberjack. Jay-Z and Beyonce getting in a lover's quarrel about who gets the last cup of Johnny D's amazing rum punch, and who has to settle for the Cristal. Tony Danza wanting to arm wrestle with everyone. The Cops showing up again. The whole cast of Laguna Beach playing tug of war against a roided up and very angry Louis Farrakhan. And of course, lots and lots of breakdancing robots.
... and Tom Cruise because really, where isn't he?
However, this time there will be some differences. 1) We've given the neighbors their requested two week's notice so we can rest easier knowing that eviction is at least 50% less likely. 2) There will be two kegs in lieu of the usual one. Why? Because we like kegs so much.
So make like N 2 Deep and come back... You had fun last time right?
Sincerely,
Mayor Gavin Newsom.
PS Did I mention how nice your new haircut looks? Wow. I mean... really. That's nice.
Posted by PETE 2005-07-20 14:03:46
T-Shirts.
Here are the top 3 funniest t-shirts I saw while in Chicago.
3. "It's not gonna suck itself" complete with downward pointing arrow. This was only funny because a really fat, swaety kid was wearing it.
2. "Fat People Are Hard To Kidnap". Ditto for the fat, sweaty guy, but this probably would have been funnier had it been on a non-obese individual.
1. "Weezer Fan (Blue Album)". This is a great shirt. I saw it at the Neighborhoodies booth at the Intonation festival and it was all I could do to not buy a copy each for the PUMA, Sapey-Sapes, and of course, Soper, whose drunken renditions caused me to ban the playing of "Say It Ain't So" at our old place by the park. To be honest, I myself couldn't name two tracks off any other Weezer album but then again, I'm not really a fan... except for that Blue Album. Man... That's one sweet album.
Unfortunately, funny t-shirts were the exception rather than the rule as for every "Fat People are Hard to Kidnap" I was forced to endure umpteen variations on the "I [heart] _____" theme, including the most odious of them all, the "I [heart] Me". You know what I would [heart]? If those would all go away. They're like the checkered Vans of hipster t-shirts, with "I [heart] NY" of course being the original black and white ones and with street cred being doled out in direct proportion to the obvious signs of ageing. I would actually pay money for a photo of some guy wearing the following outfit:
1"I [heart] NY" T-shirt
1 pair Black and White Checkerboard Vans
1 pair Diesel Jeans
1 "Pabst Blue Ribbon" Trucker Hat
1 White Belt
and just for the hell of it...
1 leather wrist cuff
1 Neighborhoodie the read either "Tenderloin" or "The Mission"
That would be incredible. I'm sure he's out there right now, probably talking to some chick at a USC frat party about Dashboard Confessional. Maybe Mini-Shark can track him down and run him over with a beach cruiser.
Anyhow, I also saw a guy who, for some reason didn't get the memo that the "Make 7... Up Yours" shirts weren't even cool the day they came out, let alone like 6 years down the line. What's worse, it was worn out to the point that it looked like he'd been wearing it everyday for 6 years. Pathetic. I'm sure he changes every once and a while into on of those red "Speaker City" shirts. I fucking hate that shit.
I was, however, spared any shirts with quotes from the Chapelle show on them. If you want to see me start foaming at the mouth with rage, just be there when some carl walks by in an "I'm Rick James, Bitch" shirt. Hey! Did I mention how cool and original all my t-shirts are? I rule!
Posted by PETE 2005-07-19 19:23:58
Self-Depricating Humor from Chicago
Scott: [stands up] Oh my God this has never happened to me before! This is so weird.
Lori: What happened?
Scott: My dick is asleep. Like my leg being asleep, but it's my dick. Has that ever happened to you before?
Jonah: Yeah, occasionally.
PETE: It happens to me for months at a time...
Fin
Posted by PETE 2005-07-19 18:19:49
Downs Depricating Humor from Chicago
Scott: So do you guys think Downs is going to come back from Australia fatter or skinnier than when he left?
Mary: Hmm...
Ansell: I think he's going to be exactly the same as when he left.
Scott: Yeah I agree. I don't think he'll change at all.
Mary: That would be so awesome for Downs though if he came back like all tan and buff. That would be great.
Ansell: Yeah.
Lori: I hope that's what happens. I miss Downs.
...
PETE: I'm going to go with "fatter".
[Scott and PETE slap five across the table]
Posted by PETE 2005-07-19 18:27:32
I'm back.
I got back this morning. I'm not dead. You guys will just have to wait to divvy up my ties. I wrote the invitation. It's pretty funny. It's no Anti-Halloween invitation, but it's pretty funny.
Posted by PETE 2005-07-19 18:13:45
Happy Birthday Dwyermaker!
"Dwyermaker" is a great nickname. It owes a lot to another epic, yet overused nickname from yesteryear, "Widowmaker". It is derived from the classic Led Zeppelin reggae song "D'yer Mak'er", which I've always held is Scottish or English slang for "Did you bang her". The funny thing is that Dwyermaker's real name is Dyer, and we have no idea where the "w" came from. Nevertheless, "Dwyermaker", said three times in a high, sing-song falsetto, was about the only thing that could contain Dwyermaker's murderous three-point jump shot from the top of the key on the Sigma Chi blacktop. Happy Birthday Dwyermaker.
Also, Happy Birthday to Johnny D. (7/9), The White Tiger (7/11), PETE (7/13), Maupow (7/14), DanK (7/16), and Bev L. (7/18), Montine (7/20) and Walloch (7/21).
P.S. Has anyone seen PETE? He went to Chicago and was supposed to fly back yesterday morning to write the invitation for our party which we are still presumably having on Saturday (7/23) which you should come to, but he didn't come back last night and nobody has heard from him. I hope his plane didn't crash because then I'll have to go back and erase this post and wear black tomorrow and I hate my black shoes. Ooooh! Maybe I'll go shopping!
Posted by Hip E. 7/19/2005 11:05am
Monkeys Ho!
This is an amazing story about an economist who taught monkeys to use money to exchange for jell-o and grapes. There is no permalink so you have to scroll down to the entry titled "Monkey Business". It turns out that in several telling experiments, the monkeys behaved almost exactly like humans, from an economic standpoint that is. The kicker: One Monkey Paid Another Monkey For Sex.
Shout out Melissa!
Posted by Hip E. 7/18/2005 12:16pm
The Aristocrats
I vaguely remember last night seeing something on TV or possibly NYTimes.com about the upcoming movie "The Aristocrats", which sounds awesome. Basically, "The Aristocrats" is sort of a comedy-world inside joke that has been going around for years, and essentially consists of trying to come up with the most disgusting, vulgar, offensive few minutes of storytelling that the teller can possibly imagine. Here's the NYTimes.com story, and here's a great link to a random version of the joke from an online database.
P.S. Sorry about the drought here. We will begin now posting about the things that have happened since Wednesday.
*update* Actually there are several NYTimes articles about the movie, and I'm hazy on exactly which one I read yesterday. Anyway, the link above is to one of them.
Posted by Hip E. 7/18/2005 9:54am
Continue July Posts
Comments:
From Thrill [24.7.57.14] - 7/30/05 11:49 AM
From Britt [69.30.78.164] - 7/29/05 3:00 PM
From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 7/29/05 2:50 PM
You can ask the chef to slice the rolls thinner, dude.
From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 7/29/05 10:56 AM
From gafferland - 7/28/05 9:07 PM
Like your foot?
(OHHHH!!!)
Sorry, this joke doesn't even really have a meaning. I just saw the opening and went for it...
I do that with a lot of things (lie).
From Evil Queen [69.235.8.93] - 7/28/05 7:32 PM
And to Hip E -
No, I do not let a California Roll sully my mouth, ever. My favorite sushi places in LA tend to make rolls of a medium variety; they're still on the big side but manageable with the mouth covering technique. I try to cram it in in one bite.
But I do that with a lot of things.
From Evil Queen [69.235.8.93] - 7/28/05 7:29 PM
From linda [71.133.201.101] - 7/28/05 5:32 PM
Ha! I knew Magda would see the "California Roll" and take issue. But even though a California Roll is bastardized with fake crab and mayo and stuff, take, for example, a piece of yellow tail sushi. I can't eat that shit in one bite, I have to eat the fish slab first and then the rice slab. Or bite it in half. And frankly I'm getting sick of it.
From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 7/28/05 3:37 PM
But you didn't answer my question. How is someone with a small to normal-sized mouth supposed to eat a sushi roll? How big is your mouth? Do you not eat California Rolls? Or if you do, how do you do it?
From Evil Queen (again) [69.235.8.93] - 7/28/05 2:15 PM
From Evil Queen [69.235.8.93] - 7/28/05 2:14 PM
Hip E.,
Japanese girls do not eat California Rolls. They are not considered "real" sushi. In fact, 5 months in Japan and the only roll I saw was the Tekka roll, which is the basic tuna/rice/seaweed roll and is very small, the size of a quarter or dollar coin. (Though there are restaurants that serve rolls, but they're located in tourist areas and cater mainly to white folks.) The definition of "sushi" is a slab of fish on a bed of rice, no rolling involved. The sushi roll is an American basterdization and sushi in general in Japan is seen as fast food, not the yuppie cuisine it is here. My managers made fun of me for eating it almost every day at the sushi go rounds with the peasants. Although how can you turn down a whole sushi meal for 1000 yen (like $8/$9)?
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 7/28/05 2:08 PM
"No offense to any Orientals." - Hip E.
From linda [63.170.97.131] - 7/27/05 4:16 PM
From hot mission girl [68.120.144.114] - 7/22/05 5:57 PM
you *did* have a one week buffer...
From RB [64.121.69.205] - 7/22/05 4:56 PM
From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 7/22/05 3:14 PM
zing!
Hey, is anyone else being asked for a login/password to stuffonmycat.com? It's very odd.
From Gabbeh [69.143.107.33] - 7/22/05 8:53 AM
From RB [64.121.69.205] - 7/22/05 2:08 AM
From atari teenage [68.120.144.114] - 7/21/05 8:21 PM
From gafferland - 7/21/05 4:11 PM
Good shit Shark. Nice to know you haven't lost it.
Also, since this is political I'll relegate it to the comments but I think this is something that even Brewer would find funny.
BAM!
http://rudepundit.blogspot.com/2005/07/luvin-john-roberts-man-oh-man-after.html
From Stickler [68.66.82.50] - 7/20/05 5:44 PM
From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 7/20/05 4:33 PM
Your friend Dylan and every other t-shirt company in the world. I'm pretty sure Nike even has one.
I admit I kind of like the Wayne Brady ide---
Wait! There's a Wayne Brady MOVIE???? Details, Stickler.
From Stickler [68.66.82.50] - 7/20/05 3:57 PM
From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 7/20/05 2:12 PM
From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 7/20/05 1:22 PM
I think that means freezing rain. [rim-shot]
PETE:
-post the invitation so all the people who aren't going to come anyway can see it.
-I think at this point a "Make Seven... Up Yours" t-shirt could be hilariously ironic. Especially if worn by a big black guy with a goofy voice.
-I'm a huge fan of the "I [heart] NJ" t-shirt, but sadly I don't like NJ at all and I don't even know if I've been there. Is Hoboken in NJ? That's a funny name for a town.
Cal is playing Tennessee on Sept. 2, 2006, at Tennessee. Road Trip?
From Johnny D [67.109.58.150] - 7/20/05 11:52 AM
From dwyermaker [63.205.65.104] - 7/19/05 7:29 PM
From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 7/19/05 5:04 PM
From Pliska in Portland [24.22.83.12] - 7/19/05 4:23 PM
From maupow [128.223.219.190] - 7/19/05 3:09 PM
POM-EN-ER-ANTZ!!! POM-EN-ER-ANTZ!!!
dwyermakerdwyermakerdwyermaker
POM-EN-ER-ANTZ!!!!
From maupow [128.223.219.190] - 7/18/05 7:05 PM
From Kyle [64.81.50.140] - 7/18/05 6:47 PM
From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 7/18/05 2:47 PM
From Gabbeh [141.161.184.58] - 7/16/05 2:59 PM
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 7/15/05 12:19 PM
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 7/15/05 12:15 PM
From Brewer [143.231.249.141] - 7/15/05 9:21 AM
"And thick too?"
"No, just long."
From Shark [128.125.81.129] - 7/14/05 11:15 PM
From Pliska in Portland [24.22.83.12] - 7/13/05 3:17 PM
Yes Kyle I'm a man. I'm a man who built the Eifel Tower out of steel and brawn!
And also, ouch, that was cold man.
From Hip - 7/13/05 2:54 PM
Asterix: more like "Ass-terix"
It's no fuckin' Tintin, that's all I know.
From Hip - 7/13/05 11:52 AM
From Shark [128.125.81.129] - 7/13/05 2:09 AM
From RB [64.121.69.205] - 7/13/05 1:27 AM
From baldwin [67.164.97.169] - 7/12/05 8:54 PM
From Hip - 7/12/05 8:11 PM
You have to love math nerds:
RSA-200 Factored
A team at the German Federal Agency for Information Technology Security (BIS) has announced the factorization of the 200-digit number known as RSA-200. The team responsible for this factorization is the same one that previously factored the 174-digit number known as RSA-576. While RSA-200 is a much smaller number than the 7,816,230-digit monster Mersenne prime known as M42 (the largest prime number known), its factorization is significant because the RSA-numbers serve as benchmarks for users of the RSA public-key cryptography algorithm in choosing suitable key lengths that provide an appropriate level of security for data encryption.
From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 7/12/05 7:54 PM
Um, PETE, I think you meant to say "Hey Crackhead"
From Hip - 7/12/05 7:16 PM
From RB [67.131.249.62] - 7/12/05 7:03 PM
From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 7/12/05 2:41 PM
As long as sh~A~rk is being humerous I'm sure Evil Queen will understand, and maybe even get a chuckle out of it. That's more than sh~A~rk can say for most of the girls he interacts with...
a-ZING!
From Linda [63.170.97.131] - 7/12/05 10:21 AM
I will cut you both.
From Pliska in Portland [24.22.83.12] - 7/12/05 1:17 AM
From Shark [128.125.81.129] - 7/11/05 10:50 PM
Look Linda, Evil Prom Queen thinks she's better than us. We don't go around thinking we're better than her! Therefore, there's nothing wrong with us thinking we're better than her and citing numerical data to support our position.
From Pliska in Portland [24.22.83.12] - 7/11/05 10:44 PM
Hey I love French bashing!
Q: Why are the streets in Paris lined with trees?
A: So the German soldiers can march in the shade.
From Shark [128.125.81.129] - 7/11/05 10:19 PM
From RB [67.131.249.62] - 7/11/05 9:48 PM
From Thrill [72.25.90.115] - 7/11/05 5:33 PM
From Linda [63.170.97.131] - 7/11/05 11:52 AM
Shark, don't make me point out that for The Jo-Tel to get more hits/visits/whatever per capita than the Evil Queen, it would need over three times her numbers.
From Linda [63.170.97.131] - 7/11/05 11:47 AM
From Pliska in Portland [24.22.83.12] - 7/10/05 2:33 PM
From Stickler [68.66.82.50] - 7/9/05 9:39 PM
From Shark - 7/9/05 4:27 PM
Evil Prom Queen switched to Blogspot! Now her site is a lot more attractive to her 70 less daily guests than us.
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 7/8/05 7:26 PM
I love that the More-mahns are selling religious figurines, first of all, but I also love that they don't spell check their shit:
"...the veil was taken from off the eyes of the Bother of Jared..."
Nice work, jackasses. Does god's keyboard not have an F7 key?.
From The Critic [66.171.85.86] - 7/8/05 12:58 AM
From The Critic [66.171.85.86] - 7/7/05 10:47 PM
From gafferland - 7/7/05 2:51 PM
Hey! July!
Comment on this Page
Last Modified 2/2/06 1:00 AM