"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of  petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."

                                          - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint

 

---

 
                                Some Time This Century

---

Home
RSS Feed

---

Email:  thejotel@gmail.com
Become a friend: profile.myspace.com/thejotel  

---

THE JO-TEL IS:

Shark 

Hip E.

PETE

The Quail

Johnny D  

We get naked in bars way more than
you and you know what that means ...
We read Proust.

---

FEATURES*:

Jo-Tunes
The Review Review
Slang Dictionary
InDQs
Gay Hour
Touch The Monolith!
Hey Crackhead

* features are shit-hot

---

CURRENTLY READING:

Hip E.
 - Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759-67)
 - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)

Shark
 - Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
 - Kevin Star, A History of California:
1840 - 1875. 
 - Paul Celan, Breathturn

PETE
 - Cormac McCarthy, Suttree

Johnny D.
 - Jean Luc d'Emo, Reel

The Quail
- Dave Eggers, What Is the What
- James Joyce, Ulysses
- Don Gifford, Ulysses Annotated 

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

Hip E.
 - Neko Case, Blacklisted (2002)
 - Hip E., Pando Mix Rev. 0  (2007)
 - Rock Plaza Central, Are We Not Horses? (2006)

Shark
 - Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Blank
Generation  (1977)
 - The Kinks, The Village Green Preservation
Society (1968)
 - Silver Apples, Contact (1969)

PETE
 - Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)

Johnny D
 - Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it (1980)
- The Blow, Paper Television (2006)
- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3 (1999)

The Quail
- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)

---

ARCHIVES:

September 04-1
September 04-2
October 04
November 04
December 04-1
December 04-2
January 05
February 05
March 05-1
March 05-2
April 05-1
April 05-2
May 05-1
May 05-2
June 05
July 05-1
July 05-2
August 05
September 05
October 05
November 05
December 05
January 06
February 06
March 06
April 06
May 06
June 06
July 06 
August 06
September 06
October 06
November 06
December 06-1
December 06-2
January 07

---

MEET THE JOUSE GUESTS*:

John
Patsy
Linda
Jay
The Puma
Liz
Gabe
Merz
Tello
Jaskot
Tara
Cutler
Bock (kind of)
Pliska
Mini-Shark
The Goose (Carrie)
Bain
Fritz
Yahoo Serious
Laura-Lee
Fabulous L-Breeze
Saki
Kristin
Booby
Joe
Jonelle
Becca
Rebecca P.
Snake (slithering this way and that)
Matranga
Raphael (Little Mex)
Neva
Annie
Kathleen
Molly (honorary)
P.J.
Paul S.
Emily
Brew-Dogg
Reid
Reid's Girl
Downs
Some Chick who passed out
 on Shark's couch
Ross
Cameron
Mary (slut)
Miklos
Romie
Simon
Kubow
Becky B.
Walloch
John the Hippie
Stickler
Anna
Andrea
Ben
Lucy (dog)
Wilson
Lauren
JohnPatsyLady A.
Lauren's B/f
Jenny B.
Paul James (infant)
Beck E.
Lisa Says
Ben
Nick Martin
Caitlin
Melissa
Sosia
Riley
Nicole
Reid's friend (chiefed heavily)
Virginia

* A Jouse-guest is someone who has
   spent the night at the Jo-tel. 

---

PAST PARTIES:

InDQ
Anti-Halloween
Anti-Anti Halloween
X-Mas in Mid-Nov
Beware the St. Ides of March

---

 SF WEATHER PIXIE*:

* Weather Pixie does not work

---

SHIT-HOT LINKS*:

Blogs

The PUMA
Rehab Star
The Sticklers
NoBrowMedia
Johnny D.
Becky B
Kyle
Cupcake Club
Evil Prom Queen
Johnwalsh
Load
Alex Blagg
The Phat Phree
Defamer
ThatsJustNotRight
The Fug Girls
Maddox
The Sports Guy
The SFist
Martin Van Buren
SuperModelPersonals
Thighs Wide Shut
Gawker
Gridskipper
The Superficial

Music

Pitchfork
Q
All Music
Coke Machine Glow
Stylus
Metacritic
Launch (for videos)
musicREVU (badass)

Scrabble

Play Free Online
Scrabble Blast
Word Lists
Mike Wolfberg

Hey Crackhead

Hey Crackhead

Pics

* Links updated never

---

 

I'm on the trail of a chocolate soda for
my wife.
                           - Charlton Heston (1924 - )

 

One Last Thing

Craigslist ad under a motorcycle search for "BMW":

I will barter my services as a Certified Massage Therapist (this is for professional, quality massage - NOT prostitution)and provide sessions at your location (home or business) for yourself or your business in exchange for equal, agreed upon value of motorcycle.

There's a lot more, including the fact that he provided massage services at the Harmony Festivals Techno Tribal Dance Event, June 2006.  And then he attaches this picture:

Posted by Hip E.  2006-07-01   01:52:30

1. I Thought that the Only...

...civilian based vehicle that could be worse than a hummer, was a stretched hummer.  I was proven wrong this evening: a vehicle worse than a stretched hummer is an extremely long stretched hummer that is trying to make three point turn near the intersection of a busy San Francisco street onto which I am making a left turn.

2.  Its an inconvenient truth that a certain movie title has been shamefully abused by the media over the past month as a lead-in phrase for just about any topic.

3.  For your viewing pleasure, the Johnny D blog has been updated for an obligatory week this year.

 Posted by Johhhhhhhhhhny D  2006-06-29  21:40:35 

End of Month Post

Posted by The Jo-tel. 2006-06-27   20:20:15

Hot Dog!!! 

 Posted by Johhny D 2006-06-26 21:49:49

The Top Ten Google Image Pictures of "Jenny Lewis"

While perusing Pitchfork's top 100 Youtube videos, I found out that Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley is also in The Postal Service.  It also came to our attention that she might have huge boobs.  Without further ado, here are the top ten pictures of Jenny Lewis from the Google image search "Jenny Lewis."  Also, she was in that horrible movie Troop Beverly Hills that Patsy tries to pick every time we have movie night.

10.

9. 

8. 

7.  

6. 

5. 

4. 

3. 

2. 

1. 

PETE - feel free to move this post down below your actual post.   

Posted by Hip E.  2006-06-24   00:28:16

See You in a Month

Bye.

Posted by PETE 2006-06-22  13:33:47

I've Gone Totally Hollywood. It's Sickening.

Hot on the heels of my splash at the Entourage Season 3 premiere party, where I managed to get some fuzzy camera phone photos of an extensionless Paris Hilton, I attended yet another event brimming with beautiful celebrities who are better than us last weekend: the Elizabeth Glasser Pediatric AIDS Celebrity Carnival in Brentwood. Aside from the problems inherent in getting comp tickets to a charity fundraiser for kids with AIDS, I managed to not think about it and had a pretty good time anyways. One thing that helped me feel a bit better about being there for free was that upon arrival I realized that I was probably one of like... um... two people in the 20-25 age group. It was kids and parents. Rich kids and rich parents. And I mean rich. Kid's tickets were $500. However bad you feel about  freeloading off AIDS orphans, it strongly alleviates your guilt when you're surrounded by 13-year-old girls in four-hundred-dollar sunglasses.

The event was called "A Time For Heroes" and it was basically like a carnival with celebrities as the carnies (Another reason I felt bad was every time I saw the "A Time For Heroes" banners I would read "A Time For Herpes" and start laughing). There was throwing a giant inflatable basketball through a hoop with Paul Pierce and Barron Davis, throwing a football through some rings with Jerry Rice, and, uh, making soap with Melissa Joan Hart. The whole thing was sponsored by Disney, which didn't really make its presence felt except for the totally shitty musical guests, which were featured on Disney Channel shows or something. (I didn't really know what to expect from the music lineup. I figured "Jump 5" was going to suck on name alone (correct) but I saw "The Jonas Brothers" and I thought, hmm, perhaps a bluegrass band that plays kid's songs? Far from it. More like a Jewish Hanson that plays the most reprehensible type of preteen garbage... and really, really needs to fire their stylist. Though I kind of liked their songs "Wanna Dry Hump?" and "Reachin' Up Your Shirt on the Field Trip Bus.")

My main objective at this thing was getting my photograph with Kristin Cavalleri from Laguna Beach. Longtime followers of the Jo-Tel will know about our unhealthy obsession (our meaning Hip E. and I) with that show, though the second season left much to be desired. I encountered a hiccup when I realized that Kristin would be spending her time in the "Disney Princess Jewelry-Making Fairy Tale Kingdom of Pink" or something... The name isn't important. What is is that there was a very long line of 4 to 8-year-old girls waiting with their mothers to get their pictures taken with Kristin, Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Jasmin, and Marcia Cross, and decorate their own Disney Princess crown with glitter and sequins.

Did I mention how hung over I was?

I needed a warm-up. I looked at the schedule and noticed that Rachel Bilson and Christian Slater we doing the early shift at the Nintendo DS booth. Perfect, I thought! I can practice the small talk on two ACTUAL celebrities AND play some Mario.

After a stop by Storybook village to hear Kobe Bryant read... and a stop by the bar to pick up a few bottles of water, I headed towards the Giant Mario. I casually sipped my water while I waited for the line of OC fans to abate while I performed a mental quality control check on possible introduction lines for Slater and Bilson. I didn't have much to work with. I can't really name any movies Christian Slater has starred in since like, Heathers. I figured I should stay away from that horror movie he did with Stephen Dorff and Tara Reid, where she played a genius anthropologist and he played um, her boyfriend ("Where's Tara? Studying?" no). I also figured I should stay away from the whole ass-grabbing controversy ("Hey Christian... I couldn't help but notice that Bilson has no ass. Think they paired you two up on purpose? Smart move." no). I decided that Heathers was my best bet.

Bilson was ever harder. I don't watch The OC and I hadn't read anything about her in US Weekly so I was really drawing a blank. Since she's like 4'11", I could've gone with the height comment, but that was it. All I could think of was making a joke at Mischa Barton's expense. ([point to Bilson's oversized sunglasses] "I think you grabbed Mischa's glasses by mistake. She has a giant head." no. "Where's Mischa? What? She doesn't care about kids with AIDS? What a skank." no).

Time was running short however, so I had to make my move. I walked up to Christian, asked if I could get my picture with him, he obliged, and then I let loose with "Hey man, you don't have a cigarette do you? Because I was thinking maybe you could pretend to explode and I could pretend to light it off you?" He took it well. He could tell I was kidding (though I was only half kidding because that would've been a classic picture). I can only assume that he was glad I didn't mention Tara Reid.

One down, I moved onto the diminuitive Bilson... or rather on to her. I had decided in this case, that I was just going to dispense with the lines and get it over with. However, things took a turn in my favor when, after I declined her offer to sign my picture she said "Oh! Thanks!" as in like, what? I'm not good enough to sign your picture? To which I replied "Wait... you're famous?" She seemed amused. Improv baby. I was rolling.

After a stop off at the bar for more water, I made a beeline for the Disney Princess Jewelry boutique and queued up. The volunteer passing out pink sashes and asking the little girls "Are YOU a princess too??" ignored me. I was informed by the lady taking pictures that I would be the last one. I looked behind me and was glad to see that there weren't any pissed off moms giving me the ice grill while their daughters cried into their pink sashes. Game time.

Me: So Kristin... of all the booths at this thing you just had to be in the Disney Princess boutique? I couldn't look like a bigger idiot right now. Couldn't you have done the rock wall or something?"

KC: Oh stop pretending you don't love it.

Me: You're right. You got me. After I get my picture with you I'm going to make the most prettiest crown ever!

KC: [laughter]

See that picture? That's not a forced smile. That's genuine.

I spent the rest of the afternoon roaming around, eating free food and looking for Willow Bay. Her husband, Bob Iger, is the, I don't know, Chairman of Disney or something? I wanted to drop the "I had a huge crush on you when I was seven and used to watch you co-host NBA Inside Stuff with Ahmad Rashad."

I never got that chance but it was pretty fun anyhow. I'm so fucking Hollywood.

Posted by PETE 2006-06-22  13:18:31

LA Driving Update

Last week I ran out of gas on the 405. That was cool.

This week I got my first ever moving violation. Less cool. I'm not sure how bullshit it was. But the only other time I've been pulled over I wound up spending 7 hours in jail in Utah, so I guess this time worked out better than that at least, although the chili they served in the holding cell was pretty good...

I got clipped by a cop waiting on the shoulder of the 10W onramp. It's a two lane onramp and I made a right from the street into the left lane of the onramp, if you can picture that. I wasn't knowingly doing something illegal, but at the same time when the cop pulled out behind me I knew what was up.

I was unhappy to see an Asian female officer hop out of the cruiser behind me because, if playing lots of Blackjack has taught me anything, it's that Asian women want to take your money. I was, however, very happy to see that there was only one cop since there was a very conspicuous empty bottle of Kettle One on the passenger-side floorboard left over from our unsuccessful trip to Raging Waters in historic San Dimas last Saturday (unsuccessful because when we found out they didn't serve alcohol, we left, despite having paid $9 already for parking. Then we went to the Circle K). I managed to explain my way out of both the fact that I didn't have a CA Driver's License and the fact that my car's registration is not complete. For a while, it was looking like I might be let go with a warning but generally when a cop who looks like she just got off her shift at Harrah's is cherry picking on an onramp, the odds are decidedly not in your favor.

In this case, the house won again.

I'll probably contest it in court because I have no money thanks to all the selfish bastards getting married this summer. Pliska, I hope you like your wedding present, a 3-pack of Hanes Beefy Ts. Carrie can have one. Sorry to ruin the surprise.

Posted by PETE in June 

PETE Returns To Fix Formatting

Hey.

Posted by PETE 2006-06-22 13:08:02

Clap Clap, Clap Clap Clap, Clap Clap Clap Clap, Music Update!

The indie rock "Walton's World" to your Danny Ainge's "Caught My Eye".  Predications!  Freddy "Beatle" Barnes:

•  The Pipettes poised to break with "Pull Shapes" due out in July. 
  
• TV on the Radio poised to return to cookie mountain with Return to Cookie Mountain.
• Word has it that "Three Colours" from the self-titled Sunset Rubdown EP rules.  D/L sometime tomorrow.
  
• Cat Power tours.  Shark seethes with anger. 
• GoGoGo AirRaid disband!  (Upstart indie rock critics scramble to discover who GoGoGo AirRaid is ... hint: it's not a Go! Team song)
• Brian Eno reunites with Roxy Music (to make shitty comeback music ... probably ... but still!)
• Shark obtains tickets to Radiohead/Deerhoof.  Jo-tel readers doomed to a concert review post. 
  
• Pitchfork slightly tweaks format.  Shark's mind is blown. 
  
• Pickfork posts 100 Awesome Music Videos.  Hightlights include: 

Bjork - Triumph of the Heart
(cat gets big without even a mushroom!)

M.I.A. - Galang
(M.I.A. dancing like a mangled chicken) 

 Jason Forrest - War Photographer
(cool song, cool animination, for similar results see Madvillian - All Caps or Junior Senior - Move Your Feet )

 and ...

Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage!
(speaks for itself)

AAAAAAAND:

Kraftwerk - The Robots 

• Islands are forever.
  

 Posted by Shark  2006-06-21  20:55:10

Titty Titty Bang Bang!: Top Fifteen Hottest Female Film Roles (Part Three)

5. Cathrine Keener - Being John Malkovich

 
             ["I'm so much hotter when I'm not Harper Lee."]

Catherine Keener does not have big boobs.  Her face is sort of pointy in a way.  She has crooked teeth.  Regardless.  In In Being John Malkovich she is unbelievably attractive - as stimulating as a thorny whip.  

4. Marika Green - Pickpocket

  [Marika Green, in the best picture I could find of her
                      from the obscure Pickpocket.]

Marika Green is the kind of dream chick that you find in the dusty pawn shop of a dying town, at the filthy Greyhound snack shop, or working behind the counter at the neu downtown suburban Vrommans.  You see her briefly, you touch her hand when she gives you change, you go for a walk and play "Sweethearts on Parade" on your iPod and think of what you felt like when you first saw her.  You will never see her again.

French director Robert Bresson eschewed professional actors.  He opted instead to hyptopize unprofessional actors and actresses (who he referred to as his "models") into believable performances with his rigorous methods of repetition.  As a result, many of the performers in his films owe their sparkling performances to Bresson's skills - such that, when most persued acting life after Bresson, they amounted to little.

In Pickpocket, then, Marika Green flutters into the open window of a dusty ghetto apartment in Paris and lands on the other side of the room.  You squint from behind your stack of books because you don't believe you've ever seen a girl so beautiful and then a gust of wind lifts her up right before she is sucked back out the window and out of your life forever.  You might have married her.  

3. Gina Gershon - Bound

                                              ["Tolstoy, are you there?"]

Patsy and I recently watched this movie again.  She insists that Jennifer Tiley is hotter than Gina Gershon, to which I replied, "Shame on you! Can't you see past boob size?"

Then I was reading War and Peace again and I came upon Tolstoy's description of the young Princess Bolkonsky [Fn3]: "[uh oh, I left War and Peace in Patsy's sister car.  Shit.  Plus, it's pretty much impossible to just google some random part of War and Peace ... so, yep, I'm pretty much screwed here.]" - and I thought, "That's Gershon." That upper lip is like a cuffed seriphs on the top of a ruggid courier font.  It doesn't seem like it would be nice, but it turns out to be hot as hell.  In general, she's rock hard, tough, dirty, tatted, and will probably ride you like a mechanical bull.  (If you are Hip E's parents please read that figuratively or something!). Yeehaw! (read that metaphysically).

2. Elizabeth Taylor - Cat on a Hot Tin Roof


                                                                   [...]   

I used to think of Elizabeth Taylor as that fat chick with diamonds on ... until I saw her in her prime.  Whoa.  Historic titties.  Pure sexual hotness.  In Cat on a Hot Tin Roof she prances around in a frilly slip for most of the time.  It's enough to make Paul Newman look not that hot ... almost.  

1. Teri Garr - Young Frankenstein

[Teri Garr from Young Frankenstein, authgraph courtesy of A FUCKING
MORON!!  (I couldn't find a clean pic that was this good ... what a world.)]

Young Frankenstein is full of unexpected treasures.  For instance, one does not expect a screwball comedy to feature exquisit sets.  However, the wonderfully eerie environments created by Mel Brooks rivals even those of the original Frankenstein films.  

But more importantly, you might not expect the satirical lab assistant Inga to be the hottest babe ever.  In fact, you might even have seen said hottest babe ever two years later in her homey turn as Gene Hackman's lover in The Conversation and doubted that she could hold such a position.  

But when the camera first hits Inga during her "roll in the hay" I feel like the movie almost changes course - from an intellegent satirical send-up to balls-out vaudevillecomedy-fest.  I'm not even really sure what means but when Inga, her night dress open, tells Gene Wilder to put the camera back, I want to respond, "the candle's not going back for at least five minutes, baby."

Posted by Shark  2006-06-19   21:18:48

FN3: Why does Tolstoy keep coming up in my hottest babes post??   

I Will Love to Regret This 

This is the part when you take the grail past the threshold and the ground starts to shake and split between your legs and boulders from the ceiling fall inches in front of your face into swirling dust.  Yes, it's true.  We're giving Johnny D license to blog.  Now he's more dangerous than Roger Moore with an RCP! 

Some of you may be familiar with the smoking conflagration of bloggery that was/is Mr. D's "Token Halloween Post".  So entrathing was said post that, Jesus help me, I almost defected from Professor Truth (to whence I had defected from the Jo-tel when PETE was being a penis-munch) to start a new blog in the comments section of Johnny D's "Token Halloween Post."  

And now we are unleashing these unpredictable talents on the Jo-tel. ... Edit, with extreme prejudice. 

Posted by Shark  2006-06-19   21:00:10

Titty Titty Bang Bang!: Top Fifteen Hottest Female Film Roles (Part Two)

10. Anna Karina - Band of Outsiders


   [Godard was married to Karina during the
                filming of Band of Outsiders]

Godard's movies almost always have long digression scenes that intentionally break up the flow of the movie as a statement on the possibilities of film outside of formula (aka film stilo or "film as pen").  Along these lines, Band of Outsiders contains an extended classroom scene where the two main actors and the object of their mutual affection Odile (Anna Karina) trade doggeral-filled notes while their instructor lectures eloguently on the beauties of Shakespeare.  The effect is remarkable because the actors' inane banter contrasts so harshly with the Shakespeare in the background whose beauty in turn ends up matching perfectly with the stunning eyes and soft, carefree features of Anna Karina's Odile.  Throughout the rest of the film, Karina dances with ego-less frivolity through the fractured new-wave plot: a beauty and persona so appealing that it pulls the whole artistic mess together.  

9. Gene Tierney - Laura


[Gene Tierney felt her voice was too high so she started smoking cigarettes
               to lower her pitch.  She died of lung cancer in 1970.]

Gene Tierney is so beautiful in Laura that she almost looks fake.  This works perfectly for a film where this most benificent of femme fatales comes back from the dead like a reborn angelic spirit to captivate and doom the lives of those who once worhsiped her.  

For years, Laura has confused casual viewers as the male detective is played by Dana Andrews and the femme is played by Gene Tierney.  Dana Andrews is just a much better name for Gene Tierney than Gene Tierney.  Sorry Dana, there's just nothing than can be done about that.  

8. Natalie Portman - Leon: The Professional

This does not make me a pedofile or anything.  Would you call Leo Tolstoy a pedofile?  Probably not, right.  Yet his War and Peace is all full-up of older dudes reinvigorating their lives by marriage young girls.  Okay, maybe not 12 year-old girls, but Beson knew what the fuck he was doing (this is especially obvious is Leon: The Professional as opposed to the U.S. release The Professional).  It's his fault!  

7. Naomi Watts - Mulhollund Drive

Naomi Watts is an ugly-face.  She has an ugly face.  Meanwhile, Mulhollund Drive is one the greatest movie ever made.  

(NOTE: Naomi Watts is really hot and the boner she induced may (MAY!) explain why MH is so goddamn good.  (MAY!) (GODZILLA!))

6. Martha Vickers - The Big Sleep


                                              [Martha Vickers as the lascivious Carmen Sternwood]

Martha Vickers played the not-Lauren-Bacall character in The Big Sleep.  So underappreciated was she that the movie producers, voraciously wanted more more more scenes between the then Hollywood it-couple Bogart and Bacall, re-shot some additional scenes and edited some of the character development scenes involving the deliciously beautiful Martha Vickers, who plays Carmen.  In Chandlers's novel, the Carmen character is unmitigatedly cobra-sexy.  In the movie, she burns through the celluloid as she falls into Bogie's arms, her tennis skirt barely covering the upper thighs of her impossibly long legs.  She does everything BUT get naked (as in the book), but then again it was 1945 -- you couldn't even really kiss on screen...  

Go for the younger one, Bogie!  You and Bacall will not last anyway!!

Posted by Shark  2006-06-15  15:06:09

Shark's Yeehaw! Concert Round-Up 

A few weeks ago I posted about a series of outstanding local concerts that I DARED myself to miss.  Here's a summary of the results:

Liars

The Liars sucked.  How dare their concert sell out before I got there.

The Walkmen

This was an awesome concert.  Actually, let me parse that statement.  The Walkmen put on an awesome show.  Their aptly named lead singer, Hamilton Leisurer, came out with six-shooters blazing on "The Cook and the Chambermaid", from their new album.  He friggin' SCREAMS into the mic.  And for anyone who's into their songs [Shark raises hand], it creates an absolutely electric scene.  So The Walkem get a heartly B+/A- for their performance.  However, the SF crowd gets a decidedly resolute D.  I've raised this issue before, but it's important to me.  When a band is putting on an awesome show, the crowd owes a obligation to do more than merely FUCKING STAND THERE.  Jump. Push. Yell. Molest the girl next to you.  SOMETHING.  It got so bad that Patsy, Kristin, Lauren and I had to start a mosh pit during the rousing rendition of "The Rat" [Fn1].  A few indie dudes got into it.  But most seemed bothered by the josteling.  Sometimes I think I'm crazy (Cee-loo eat your heart out) to crave more movement, but then comes this PFM interview with Dan Bejar:

PFM: ...  I think the "professionalism" that gets in the way has more to do with the clubs as it does with the performers. I've seen a ton of really high-energy shows fall totally flat-- I can't imagine seeing anything at Avalon in New York, for example, that would qualify as a "religious" experience, even though Avalon is a church.  Maybe this is just my own growing out of teenage fanboydom, but it seems like rock shows are more church-like now insofar as people go out of a sense of vague obligation and maybe throw a few bucks in the collection plate.

DB: I forgot that element of the church-- the element of drudgery and ritual. I know what you mean about professional rock clubs in the bigger cities. My favorite shows are usually in saloons where maybe some people are out to see you but most are just out cause it's Friday night in Moorhead.

 Bingo! 

The Mountain Goats

Also sucked balls.  No one who sells out their show before Shark can arrive is cool is my book.  Although John Darnielle would be proud that I arrived "late" to his show (8:40!) because I was attending a softball league orientation meeting (Darnielle likes softball). 

Radiohead/ Deerhoof

Stay tuned.  Hip and I forget to get tix on Ticketmaster but a friend might hook me up.  Sounds like the 'Head are playing lots of new stuff.  Fine with me.  I've heard the old stuff five thousand million times. 

Fn1: Kristin peed her pants during the mosh pit.  

Posted by Shark  2006-06-13   22:48:55

Titty Titty Bang Bang!: Top Fifteen Hottest Female Film Roles (Part One)

15. Isabella Rosellini - Blue Velvet

             [David Lynch and Isabella Rosellini on the set of Blue Velvet]

"He put his disease in me," says a nude Dororthy Valens (Rosellini), shamelessly opening her arms to her own vulnerability.  Rossellini's twisted front tooth epitomizes this list.  It doesn't really matter that she has an unsightly tooth because it doesn't mind her in the least, the intense vulnerability of her character is too powerful to be distracted by such details.  Accordingly, one longs to posess these personalities of elemental strength and beauty more so than those of any Jenniffer Anistan-y, insecure, nose-job-getting celluloid "beauty." [Fn1]

It also doesn't hurt that she has nice boobies.  

14. Eva Green - The Dreamers

[Isabel with her brother (Michael Pitt, see also Last Days), they will later recreate the famous
Louve screen of Band of Outsiders.  For now though, I direct your attention to the left boob.]

Ah, incest.  There's something totally sexy about a girl that commits incest.  Mainly, I think it's that if a girl commits incest she's probably really horny and willing to give it up at the least provocation.  I mean, if a chick'll do it to her brother because ... you know, it's such a long walk down to the corner store where all the philandering college boys hang out ... might as well just fondle my brother's cock and balls... 

I admit, I might have enjoyed The Sound and the Fury more when I first misread it tell how Quentin and Caddy committed incest down by the muddy branch [fn2].  In reality, Quentin just wished that they had comitted incest.  It's complicated.

With The Dreamers, though, Berdolucci totally made up for showing Marlon Brando naked. 

13. Scarlett Johansson - Ghost World

                                  ["Who ordered the bedroom eyes?"]

Never have her boobs looked better than in this excellent Zwigoff vehicle.  Her frumpy apparel only accentuates the confidence that makes her so appealling ... plus those boobies are real nice.  Did I mention the boobies?  No?  Let me just say that those things are huge.  I'll just leave it at that.  They're huge, bouncy, probably nice to grab.  Boobs.  Boobs.  Boobs. Okay, Okay, Scarlett Johansson's boobs versus the Band of Horses album.  Oh come on, that's unfair already!  Okay, okay, MINI Johansson's boobs (smaller but retaining the same smooth proportions) versus the Band of Horses album.  Hmmm, MINI Johansson's boobs, definitely.  Okay, okay, Johansson's boobs versus the national debt.  Johansson's boobs.  Okay, Okay, Johansson's boobs versus world hunger.  Close.  Johansson's boobs.  


12. LeeLee Sobieski - Eyes Wide Shut

    [The Cruise was expertly
  excised from this screen shot,
wherein LeeLee allegorizes the
     Nightown whore from
            Joyce's Ulysses.]

Sometimes the short cameo appearances leave the greatest impression.  Think Bill Murray.  Now think of something more along the lines of this list: Hot Hot Bra-Clad LeeLee Sobieski unexpectedly popping up in that weird scene with The Cruise and the costume store guy.   Nicole who? 

11. Marisa Tomei - My Cousin Vinny

     ["Are you suuuuuuuuurrrrrreee", ugly ugly man Joe Pesci ugly penis, ewe ewe ewe.
                               Hot Hot Marisa Tomei, "Posssitttive," hothothot.]

Working opposite Joe Pesci doesn't hurt Tomei's smoking hotness at all.  Nor does her smoking hotness.  Later in her career she would start to look a little thin, then disappear, then star in the overrated In the Bedroom.  Accordingly, her two best moments remain My Cousin Vinny and Sienfield (where she was featured in conversation).

Posted by Shark  2006-06-11   11:31:16

FN1: As Hip E will readily point out, however, I did once consider Jennifer Anniston the hottest girl around.  Maybe post-nose-job she really lost my appreciation.  But, regardless, those were dark days indeed.

FN2: This is actually a false statement.  I enjoyed The Sound and the Fury the most the second time I read it when I took three days during my bar break to drink beers, listen to Iron and Wine and comprehensively prepared delineated annotations to the entire novel, replete with highlighted time shifts and flash-back sign-posts in the obstruse Benji section (the family dog is moaning because Rockus dies! who knew!).  That was awesome.

 A Conversation

RAFAEL (to Hip E): Did you fix the TV?
HIP E: No. I was downstairs arguing with Shark.
RAFAEL: About what?
SHARK: Numbers.

Posted by Shark  2006-06-11   11:23:43

Top Ten Numbers

10. 27
9. 256
8. 1
7. 92,684
6. 21
5. 13
4. 2
3. 42
2. 0
1. 3

Posted by The Quail  2006-06-10  22:53:21

The Quail's Thoughts on New Orleans

No, just kidding.  This is actually a post about hair - or, more specifically, about "product".  I got a haircut a few weeks ago at Oxen Rose.  Cool place.  Nice people hipsters employees, close to work, hot chicks clean workspace. Anyway, so long story short I end up with a haircut that requires "product".  I dropped $20.50 on the stuff: Magic Move.  Despite the label being written in like size .03 font, I was bored enough recently to spend a few minutes reading it.

What I read amazed and astounded me.  It was hands-down the greatest product (no quotation marks) label I've ever seen.  Its beauty lies in its simplicity...it's remedial-grammar-flouting simplicity.  Here now, in its entirety and transcribed letter by letter, is a transcript of the two (very, very small) labels on this (very, very small) container of "product".  Just to be clear that none of the fuckups are mine, I'm going to preface this section with this: [sic] (Yes, it has to be that big...trust me.)

Side label:

Magic Move
A New Type Hair-Cosmetics
Magic Move is the most appropriate hair-cosmetics for such hair damaged by chemical treatmens and/or environmental pollution, gives hair body with an action of thready organic fibers like a net, and finishes hair in sleek feeling.  It does not harden hair excessively, adds flowing moves to hair, and allows you to change hair-style repeatedly in a same day, you may hold a formed hair-style for many hours, as it may not be influenced by temperature nor by humidity.  It highlights colored hair as well, and also can be washed off with shampooing.  It is a cosmetics of a new genre, offering quick and easy application. 
Net Wt. 1.7oz.

Bottom label:

Magic Move
A New Type Hair-Cosmetics
Directions for use: Wash your hands well before application. First, take a small amount(a soy-bean-size)on palm, well emulsify it with both palms, and then apply it to hair.  Whenever the effect is not sufficient, repeat the above.  Apply it from the base-part of hairshafts through the hair-trip.  With the cool-wind of a dryer, its setting power becomes stronger.  If you blow warm-wind from a dryer first, and then switch to cool-wind, its setting effect becomes strongest.
Cautions: Magic Move should be applied to hair of the head, not to any other parts of the body.  Whenever it causes skin irritation, stop application.  Whenever any abnormality such as reddening, itching or stimulation is caused during or after application, stop application, you are advised to consult with dermatologists or medical doctors.  If the skin is scratched, swollen or has eczema, etc., do not apply.  If it gets into the eyes, immediately wash off with cold water. Do not store it in very cold or very hot temperatures, or where direct sunlights reach. Be sure to close the top of the container firmly after use. Keep it at a place where children can not reach.
Ingredients: [This part’s boring, so I won’t type it up. I’m willing to believe that it’s actually spelled Polyethleneglycol Distearate.]
MEDE IN JAPAN

For the record, though, that shit's magical for real.

PS - My thoughts on New Orleans are coming....

Posted by The Quail  2006-06-09  22:16:13

Cruise Update

The deal is, yesterday was the last game of the regular season for WAKA kickball's Golden Gate Division.  My team won, again, making us 8-0-1, undefeated, and regular-season champs for two seasons running.  Afterwards I played a bunch of flip cup and went to bed fairly drunk at 12.  Today is my last day at this job, and I am not going to finish the project I'm working on, and the guy who's going to have to finish it already knows all about it, so I'm not really doing shit here today.  So when I'm hungover, I type.  Nobody is on the Network this morning, so I blog.  That's the way it works.  Now..  what was I just talking about??  

 Oh yeah.  This is just an awesome, life-affirming sentence:

However, an insider tells Life & Style it's all a ploy, saying: “If she walks now, Tom will fight her for custody of [daughter Suri], and Katie can’t outlast him in court. She knows she needs to marry him to get the money to fight him for custody, if it comes to that.”

Posted by Hip E.  2006-06-09  10:46:38

World Cup 2006

In case anybody doesn't know, the World Cup started this morning.  It is on like Pokemon.  I think the awareness in America this year is much better than it was in 2002, probably mostly because we did really well in 2002 and we're actually pretty decent.  Unfortunately, despite being a huge fan of soccer in general, I don't know anything about soccer in particular, and couldn't name more than about 6 top international stars.  Well all that is about to change.  Reid got us a TiVo and I'm recording all the games.  How could you not be excited about an event that culminates in a single game that will draw two and a half times the TV audience of the Superbowl?  It is awesome to be a small part of an event that encompasses the entire non-ocean-covered face of the planet.  U.S.A.'s first game is against the formidable Czech Republic on Monday at 8:55 am on ESPN2.

 And now, here is something I copied and pasted from some other blog, which I will not attribute to them:

Team Nickname Guide

Here’s your complete guide to national-team nicknames. In other languages, national teams are often referred to as “selections,” meaning teams whose players are selected to represent the nation.

Angola: Palancas Negras (Black Antelopes)
Argentina: Albicelestes (White-Sky Blues)
Australia: Socceroos
Brazil: Seleçao Canarinho (Canary Selection)
Costa Rica: Ticos (from the local linguistic habit of creating diminutives by adding “tico” instead of “tito” to the end of words)
Croatia: Vatreni (the Fiery Ones)
Czech Republic: Lokomotiva (the Locomotive, rarely used)
Ecuador: La Tri (Tricolors)
England: Three Lions (rarely used)
France: Les Bleus (Blues)
Germany: Die Nationalmannschaft (National Team)
Ghana: Blacks Stars
Iran: Team Melli (National Team)
Italy: Azzurri (Blues)
Ivory Coast: Les Eléphants (Elephants)
Japan: Blues
Mexico: El Tri (Tricolors)
Netherlands: Oranje (the Orange) [I've also heard "The Clockwork Orange."  Bad ass.  - Hip E.]
Paraguay: La Albirroja (White-Red)
Poland: Bialo-Czerwoni (White-Reds)
Portugal: Seleçao das Quinas (Selection of the Shields)
Saudi Arabia: Al Akhdar (the Green)
Serbia and Montenegro: Plavi (Blues)
South Korea: Reds
Spain: La Furia Roja (the Red Fury)
Sweden: Blagult (Blue-Gold)
Switzerland: Die Eidgenossen (the Oath Comrades)
Togo: Les Eperviers (Sparrow Hawks)
Trinidad and Tobago: Soca Warriors
Tunisia: Les Aigles de Carthage (Carthage Eagles)
Ukraine: Zbirna/Sbornaya (Selection, in Ukrainian and Russian)
United States: None, really, but we’ve been using Yanks.

Posted by Hip E.  2006-06-09  10:31:18

I'm In a Cafe Listening to Thom Yorke Sing Along with Eclectic European Folk Songs - Wait, No I'm Not, I'm in Hip E's Room and It Smells like Rotten Beer ... Hmmmm, Maybe I'll Just Write a Post Instead of Doing Work Like I Should Be Doing ... Nah, I'll Just Masturbate

Beirut
Gulag Orkestar
(2006; Ba Da Bing!)
Rating: 8.2

Please play this album in your local coffee shop. 

Posted by Shark  2006-06-08  21:03:16

PS - Here's a poem that I wrote about my coffee shop back when I used to study there alot.  This aught to fill the space taken up my that monstrous Gulag album art!:

Coffee Shop Coffee Shop

On the table sits a cup of black coffee.
Nothing could be more understandable.
The clock ticks.

The wall art begins to change:
Purchases are being made.
What are the regulars thinking?

Maybe the Scrabble Dictionary
Contains the answer to their
Presence at this hour of
The night. 

What if they die right here, in front,
Their bodies, limp, falling to the concrete
In unison, capsizing the notched
Tables!

If they bleed into the street, all
Dead-like, will letters ever return
To the coffee shop, entering now into the
Precipice opening up below?

Never.  Never will I give in to the
Death instinct.  Never will I snort cocaine
Up my nose.  Psychologists were wrong about that
And coffee makes me excited and messy.
Let me never cross this barren threshold

Of awnings.  Hill-scaler to my third floor, like the dirty water
Glass, I shall bleed black beans no more
Forever.
                And in my room I promise
To jump up and down to good music that I love
To push people around to until I fall to the
Ground, my life pointing, weathervane,
To the viney sky. 

Plus, if you sit too close the counter, it smells like rotten cheese.  But that's neither here nor there. 

Application Essay

This is the opening portion of the essay I submitted as part of my application to teach high school history:

As a senior in college, I enrolled in a poetry writing seminar.  These creative writing seminars, seen as the flagship of the Berkeley English department, were highly selective.  As such, each of us in the class felt fortunate to be there and, admittedly, somewhat confident in our abilities.  Regardless of what we thought about ourselves, however, our instructor seemed to arrive at each class, after reading the previous week's submissions, in a perpetual state of frustration at our lack of progress.  Our submissions, among other things, were mired in an assiduous dedication to the classical forms.  I myself displayed a detrimental affinity for the Petrarchan sonnet. 

In addition to our substantive problems, our classroom contained an old reclining chair that, while exhibiting outward signs of comfort, contained a displeasing and squeaky spring on the seat.  At one point, our instructor chose this unfortunate seat and, in mid-comment, stood up and asked, “Does anyone else think this chair is uncomfortable?”  We all readily agreed, having each, at one time or another, experienced the discomfort of sitting in the chair.  “Interesting,” he replied.  “Can someone help me out?” he asked as he poised himself to lift the chair.  A student helped him left it.  “Window please,” he ordered.  Another student opened the window.  In a quick moment, the chair was out the window of our third story classroom.  We heard the sound of the chair crashing through the brush to land in the small planted area between two buildings.  Our instructor then closed the window, patted his hands in accomplishment, and began the class. 

In hindsight, I recognize that this act had a precise purpose: namely, to jolt us from our creative malaise by providing an object lesson on the mutability of traditional boundaries.  In unforgettable fashion, our instructor had conveyed to us his enthusiasm for free verse as an alternative to the structured forms of old.  However, lest my appreciation for this act be misconstrued as an endorsement of vandalism, I must note that I do not view such a destructive undertaking as an appropriate method of teaching.  But the spirit of the act continues to inspire me.  The idea that a teacher’s unique passion for a subject can positively influence a student’s academic potential is one that has stayed with me. 

I didn't get the job. 

Posted by Shark  2006-06-08  20:11:56

---

I'm Driving Excitement

This morning I took the liberty of renting a Pontiac Gran Prix on the corporate account.  I listened to Mother.  I picked up some documents at the Electric Company.  When I got back here, I drank a $40 fruit drink.  Soon, I will have to go. 

Posted by Hip E.  2006-06-07  10:07:01

Click Poised To Be the Worst Movie Ever

What if you had a universal remote ... that controlled your universe?
                                                                                                          - Click movie ad

The only Adam-Sandler-oriented thing that is more annoying than a new self-produced Sandler/Schneider movie is a new big studio-contract Sandler movie.  Like Click.  You've seen the adds, they're everywhere.  (Because the only way that sentient beings would watch a movie like this is if they are brainwashed ... like Anthony Perkins in The Manchurian Candidate....)   Imagine this: a regular dude getting the power to control certain aspects of his life.  Let's discuss the history of this concept.  First there was that 80s sitcom where the girl could touch her fingers together and stop time, usually before a can of paint was about to spill on something (plus what was the deal with her dad talking to her through that glowing pyramid ... ).  Fast forward to 2005 (delicious, delicious 2005) and Bruce Almighty where God, played by Morgan Freeman, gives Jim Carrey god-like powers to control his life (or at least I think this is what the movie was about ... I never saw it).  And now - blam! - Click, wherein Adam Sandler uses his talismanic remote control to slow down a big-titted jogger chick ... SO HE CAN CHECK OUT HER BOOBIES!!  There's also a scene that I saw on the comercial that is so stupid it doesn't even make sense:

BOSS: I'm going to need you to review these boxes of documents by tomorrow.
SANDLER: Ok.  

    Sandler pauses the world with his remote and throws a series of whiffing punches in front of his boss's paused face.  Sandler unpauses the world.

BOSS: Wow, all of a sudden I have a headache.
SANDLER (snidely): Oh really?

What does that ever MEAN?  Look, Sandler, you're fucking up.  I would be more willing to forgive your studio contract pics if the money you were making was going toward making something better than Bench Warmers.  There's only so far Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and that "Just Join the Cult - They'll Give You a Free Haircut" skit can take you in my book.  You're in a grand position to take some big comedic risks (oh ya, I really liked Punch Drunk Love ... nice job there...), but instead all we get is Eight Crazy Nights, basically an animated rehash of your Hanukkah song from SNL.  Do you wanna be a buss boy for the rest of your life?  Fine ... no ...  just work it out OKAY - BYE - YOU ASSHOE!

PS: I've had poos that were funnier than Little Nikki. 

Posted by Shark  2006-06-03  08:47:07

---

A Hip E. Classic

I haven't posted much of the great stuff from Pliska in Portland's bachelor party over Memorial Day weekend in South Lake Tahoe.  Let me first say that it was a great time.  But just to get something on the blog, I thought I would tell at least one story from last weekend before this weekend gets going. 

After playing Blackjack next to Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo club in Harrah's for most of Sunday night, I finally went to the dance floor after losing all my money.  It was late so there weren't many people left.  Me, PETE, Johnny D., Raph and I, and a couple other guys were out there and these two chicks were out there and it turned into a funny-dancing party for the last ten minutes before they closed the club.  So then everyone was walking out and Raph was trying to get those two girls to come back to our house.  Long story short, at some point I overheard one of them saying "something something .. but first tell us a joke."  Followed by a long pause when nobody said anything.  I was thinking "somebody has to tell a joke."  The only one I could think of was one Load had told me the day before, which was funny.  Load's joke went like this: 

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they see a little boy walking the other way.  The priest says, "Hey, you wanna fuck that kid?" and the rabbi is like "Sure.  Out of what?"

Of course, I had only heard the joke once and I was very drunk, so what actually came out of my mouth was:

A child molester and a jew are walking down the street, and the child molester is like "Hey, you wanna fuck somebody?"  and the jew goes "Sure, outta what?"

I paused for effect, and then pretty much walked away before I did any more damage.  They said goodnight and walked to the taxi stand.

Posted by Hip E.  2006-06-02  11:20:21 

No No No No..  I'm a Rocketman

William Shatner slowly talking Rocketman at the 1975 Sci-Fi Convention.

Beam me up.

Posted by Hip E.  2006-06-02  10:12:46 

Comments:

From Stickler [212.187.116.216] - 7/7/06 3:10 PM

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 6/29/06 12:33 PM

From Johhny D [67.109.58.150] - 6/28/06 5:31 PM

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 6/28/06 3:19 PM

From Gabbeh [65.172.32.166] - 6/28/06 1:31 PM

From Johhny D [69.181.46.57] - 6/28/06 12:36 AM

From Thrill [24.7.61.116] - 6/27/06 9:50 PM

From Pliska in Portland [209.20.239.190] - 6/27/06 4:24 PM

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 6/27/06 3:21 PM

From Load [12.180.32.66] - 6/27/06 3:07 PM

From Stickler [88.116.36.111] - 6/27/06 5:42 AM

From Johnny D [67.188.239.124] - 6/27/06 12:58 AM

From linda [63.170.97.131] - 6/25/06 5:05 PM

From Reid [24.7.61.116] - 6/25/06 12:19 PM

From Hip - 6/24/06 6:32 PM

From Pliska in Portland [149.175.204.199] - 6/24/06 2:30 PM

From Hip - 6/24/06 4:38 AM

From Hip - 6/24/06 4:34 AM

From Britt [64.122.14.76] - 6/23/06 4:04 PM

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 6/23/06 2:09 PM

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 6/23/06 1:08 PM

From Shark - 6/23/06 12:46 AM

From gafferland - 6/22/06 4:11 PM

From PETE [70.231.50.208] - 6/22/06 3:48 PM

From Reid [65.113.47.50] - 6/22/06 12:36 PM

From Reid [65.113.47.50] - 6/22/06 12:33 PM

From Load [12.180.32.66] - 6/21/06 7:44 PM

From Reid [65.113.47.50] - 6/21/06 7:05 PM

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 6/20/06 4:48 PM

From LOAD [12.180.32.66] - 6/20/06 2:16 PM

From Load [12.180.32.66] - 6/20/06 1:20 PM

From Johnny D [67.188.32.33] - 6/17/06 2:01 PM

From Reid [217.40.34.173] - 6/16/06 6:32 PM

From Johnny D [67.109.58.150] - 6/16/06 1:15 PM

From Pliska in Portland [71.193.140.11] - 6/16/06 12:46 AM

From Reid [193.128.191.49] - 6/15/06 7:22 AM

From Johnny D [67.188.32.33] - 6/15/06 12:28 AM

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 6/14/06 3:09 AM

From Load [12.180.32.66] - 6/13/06 9:15 PM

From The Quail [64.81.50.140] - 6/13/06 7:08 PM

From Magda [66.77.150.242] - 6/13/06 6:19 PM

From Reid [67.188.239.124] - 6/11/06 4:28 PM

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 6/9/06 11:13 PM

From Northwesterner [65.172.32.86] - 6/9/06 2:31 PM

From Hip E. [204.215.135.119] - 6/9/06 1:12 PM

From Thrill [24.7.61.116] - 6/8/06 11:04 AM

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 6/7/06 11:53 PM

From Johnny D [67.109.58.150] - 6/7/06 10:16 PM

From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 6/6/06 7:25 PM

From Johnny D [67.109.58.150] - 6/6/06 3:41 PM

From Johnny D [67.188.239.124] - 6/4/06 2:51 PM