"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of  petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."

                                          - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint

 

---

 
                                Some Time This Century

---

Home
RSS Feed

---

Email:  thejotel@gmail.com
Become a friend: profile.myspace.com/thejotel  

---

THE JO-TEL IS:

Shark 

Hip E.

PETE

The Quail

Johnny D  

We get naked in bars way more than
you and you know what that means ...
We read Proust.

---

FEATURES*:

Jo-Tunes
The Review Review
Slang Dictionary
InDQs
Gay Hour
Touch The Monolith!
Hey Crackhead

* features are shit-hot

---

CURRENTLY READING:

Hip E.
 - Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759-67)
 - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)

Shark
 - Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
 - Kevin Star, A History of California:
1840 - 1875. 
 - Paul Celan, Breathturn

PETE
 - Cormac McCarthy, Suttree

Johnny D.
 - Jean Luc d'Emo, Reel

The Quail
- Dave Eggers, What Is the What
- James Joyce, Ulysses
- Don Gifford, Ulysses Annotated 

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

Hip E.
 - Neko Case, Blacklisted (2002)
 - Hip E., Pando Mix Rev. 0  (2007)
 - Rock Plaza Central, Are We Not Horses? (2006)

Shark
 - Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Blank
Generation  (1977)
 - The Kinks, The Village Green Preservation
Society (1968)
 - Silver Apples, Contact (1969)

PETE
 - Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)

Johnny D
 - Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it (1980)
- The Blow, Paper Television (2006)
- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3 (1999)

The Quail
- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)

---

ARCHIVES:

September 04-1
September 04-2
October 04
November 04
December 04-1
December 04-2
January 05
February 05
March 05-1
March 05-2
April 05-1
April 05-2
May 05-1
May 05-2
June 05
July 05-1
July 05-2
August 05
September 05
October 05
November 05
December 05
January 06
February 06
March 06
April 06
May 06
June 06
July 06 
August 06
September 06
October 06
November 06
December 06-1
December 06-2
January 07

---

MEET THE JOUSE GUESTS*:

John
Patsy
Linda
Jay
The Puma
Liz
Gabe
Merz
Tello
Jaskot
Tara
Cutler
Bock (kind of)
Pliska
Mini-Shark
The Goose (Carrie)
Bain
Fritz
Yahoo Serious
Laura-Lee
Fabulous L-Breeze
Saki
Kristin
Booby
Joe
Jonelle
Becca
Rebecca P.
Snake (slithering this way and that)
Matranga
Raphael (Little Mex)
Neva
Annie
Kathleen
Molly (honorary)
P.J.
Paul S.
Emily
Brew-Dogg
Reid
Reid's Girl
Downs
Some Chick who passed out
 on Shark's couch
Ross
Cameron
Mary (slut)
Miklos
Romie
Simon
Kubow
Becky B.
Walloch
John the Hippie
Stickler
Anna
Andrea
Ben
Lucy (dog)
Wilson
Lauren
JohnPatsyLady A.
Lauren's B/f
Jenny B.
Paul James (infant)
Beck E.
Lisa Says
Ben
Nick Martin
Caitlin
Melissa
Sosia
Riley
Nicole
Reid's friend (chiefed heavily)
Virginia

* A Jouse-guest is someone who has
   spent the night at the Jo-tel. 

---

PAST PARTIES:

InDQ
Anti-Halloween
Anti-Anti Halloween
X-Mas in Mid-Nov
Beware the St. Ides of March

---

 SF WEATHER PIXIE*:

* Weather Pixie does not work

---

SHIT-HOT LINKS*:

Blogs

The PUMA
Rehab Star
The Sticklers
NoBrowMedia
Johnny D.
Becky B
Kyle
Cupcake Club
Evil Prom Queen
Johnwalsh
Load
Alex Blagg
The Phat Phree
Defamer
ThatsJustNotRight
The Fug Girls
Maddox
The Sports Guy
The SFist
Martin Van Buren
SuperModelPersonals
Thighs Wide Shut
Gawker
Gridskipper
The Superficial

Music

Pitchfork
Q
All Music
Coke Machine Glow
Stylus
Metacritic
Launch (for videos)
musicREVU (badass)

Scrabble

Play Free Online
Scrabble Blast
Word Lists
Mike Wolfberg

Hey Crackhead

Hey Crackhead

Pics

* Links updated never

---

 

I'm on the trail of a chocolate soda for
my wife.
                           - Charlton Heston (1924 - )

 

I Am White

Posted by PETE 3/15/05 12:07am

PETE and Thrill's Slang Dictionary

As every knows, Thrill and I are the kings of making up words that are cool or, barring that, of selecting the choicest words that other people make up and inserting them into our own vocabularies. Here I have compiled a short list of some of our most commonly used terminology as a reference for people who don't know what the fuck we're talking about most of the time (often an advantage). Thank you to the following people who we've stolen shit from: Raphael, Cimi, The Big Tymers, Nasty Nate, The Fat Jew, Condon, Detroit, and the Wu-Tang Clan. Word is bond.

Um... this isn't in alphabetical order or anything. Apologies to Samuel Johnson.

slamhog (noun) - a woman of questionable moral character. Also, one of debatable attractiveness. "Did you see the slamhog that the PUMA was talking to last night? Wow."

slamdog (noun) - a guy of questionable moral character; a guy who will have sex with any girl that comes his way, no matter how unattractive or how questionable her freedom from STIs. Alternately, a male version of a slamhog.

skeeo (noun) - a woman of unquestionable fineness; one so fly that you would consider the violent removal of one or more semi-necessary appendages in exchange for some touch. See also: skee-odelay, skeeyokohama, skeeoklahoma, Skeeyoko Ono, basically any word that begins with a hard O or a y-o can be converted to much drunken amusement.

Skeeobi Wan Kenobi (noun) - a guy that can get any woman; a total master of The Game Force. "Can you imagine what it must've been like to be Axel Rose in 1988? Oh, man, what a fuckin' skee-obi wan kenobi."

ridonkulous (adjective) - variation on ridiculous (which I recently discovered is spelled ri- not re-) used to describe the abnormally high quality of a particular skee-o. "That skee-o is ridonk. Damn."

Flyza Minelli (noun) - most often shortened to flyza, a synonym for skee-o, utilized to avoid redundancy in speech and writing.

breezy (noun) - a synonym for flyza, utilized to avoid redundancy in speech and writing. "Damn, is it cold in here? Must be all the breezies. Brr."

bidonkulars (noun) - imaginary lens which focuses only on the most ridonk breezies in any crowded setting. "If you're going down to SF Center on a weekend, don't forget to bring your bidonkulars or you'll be sorry."

periskeeope (noun) - imaginary lens used primary for starting at chicks' asses in nautical settings.

skeeodometer (noun) - calibrated measuring tool used by scientists to determine the relative amount of skee-o related activity in a specific location. [PETE opening April issue of Vanity Fair] "Dude, my skeeodometer just exploded. This more than makes up for this year's sub-par SI Swimsuit Issue, which I bought immediately upon hearing that that Mallory chick from Real World Paris (aka: the shittiest season ever) was in it. However, her pictures were not flattering, but that seemed to be the general theme in an installment that even managed to make Marisa Miller look beat (face only, obviously) in some photos, a feat which is EXTREMELY hard to accomplish. I mean, I'll still take it but it's no 2004 or 2002, both of which also made my skeeodometer explode. I go through a lot of skeeodometers."

domeination (noun) - the state of being domeinated. Derived from the term dome, which commonly refers to one's mind. To be mentally dominated is to be domeinated. "Today on The Network, Hip E was totally domeinated by Pliska and his frequent references to Mardi Gotesman becoming a lesbian shortly after their relationship terminated. She was also fat."

waaambulance (noun) - what one calls to come pick up a friend or associate who has become afflicted with a severe case of oversensitivity. "Uh oh! Somebody call the Waaambulance. Tell them to bring extra salt-countering medication, as the patient is also extremely salty."

gunk (noun) - to talk or spit gunk is to talk shit. “Oh, man, did you see those two homeless dudes back there? The one with the penny art was talking mad gunk to the guy under the quilt.”

carl (noun) - a dork. "The new intern is a total fucking carl."

neck (noun) - short for redneck, used to describe those members of the population who would vote to allow Intelligent Design "theories" in public school science classes, who think that having a giant statue of the Ten Commandments in a government building does not violate the Establishment Clause (if they knew what that was), and who would lose their shit if they saw Darrell Waltrip walking down the street. (Note: this term was brought into vogue by Hip E. on The Network rather recently but the term neck was also frequently used at my high school, though the etymology was different. In OP, we used the term "head ass", as a synonym for idiot that was derived from the phrase "having one's head up one's ass," which was later modified to "neck ass" which meant obviously having one's head far enough up one's ass for his neck to disappear completely into his rectum. This term was then shortened to "neck" once the "ass" became unnecessary for others to understand what we meant. Either etymology is acceptable, therefore, when referring to stupid necks who are more than happy to walk around with their heads up their asses listening to Rush but God forbid someone want to throw a cock up there or they can't get married. Fucking necks...)

wardy (noun, pronounced "whoa-dee") - New Orleans slang for a close associate, popularized by the Cash Money Millionaires. New Orleans is divided into different wards for police jurisdiction. These wards form the basis for a great deal of the local gang membership. Hence, a “wardy” is someone from the same ward as you are, and therefore in your clique. For example, Thrill is from the 13th Ward (recognize).

sauce (interjection) - Thrill: "Hey PETE, that chick just gave me her number." PETE: "Sauce!"

croutons (adjective) - good, nice looking. "That peach shirt you have on is croutons, G."

gnar gnar (adjective) - bad, not nice looking "I'm not going to Subway for lunch. That shit is gnar gnar, fuck Jared."

mook (noun) - a neck ass carl. "Sean Hannity is a mook. That guy in the Von Dutch hat is a mook. That guy dating [some chick I have no chance with but am still pissed she just started dating someone even though I have no chance and yes I know I just repeated myself and no this isn't about you] is a total mook."

zonk (interjection) - the opposite of a zing. You were always wondering, now you know.

Johnny D (verb) - to fuck something up. "You really Johnny D'ed that one, O.J. Simpson."

filth milk (noun) - somebody scratched this phrase into wet concrete on the southwest corner of Larkin and Grove. I read it and immediately cracked up. Then I called Thrill. If the person who wrote it didn't intend for it to mean semen, well too bad, because it means that now. "Walloch? Is that filth milk on your chin? What were you doing in there? NO I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH YOU!"

Flash (noun) - acronym for Fat Lazy Ass Shit Head. Give it to one of your friends as a nickname. It's almost as good as nicknaming someone the Wej!

(I apologize for any typos in this post, as MS Word autocheck was particularly ineffective in this case)

"I speak with criminal slang. That's just the way that I talk, yo. Vocabulary spills, I'm ill." -Big L

Posted by PETE 3/14/05 10:21pm

3 Guys...

Yet another joke from my boss which is good and just offensive enough to make the cut!

Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy, and their significant
others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship -
they all drowned, and the next thing you know, they're standing before
St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his
head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved
it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either.
You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a
woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't
look good, Dick."

Quality.

Posted by PETE 3/14/05 7:00pm

Top Ten Reasons to Visit the Jo-Tel Blog

10. We take our pants off so you don't have to.
9. Help crack "The Case of the Missing [whatever Hip E is missing this week]".
8. Quick access to Professor Truth.
7. PETE's ego is connected intravenously to the monthly Editme visitor reports. So you'll make him happy and non-suicidal.
6. Because you were looking for TuckerMax and don't know what went wrong.
5. Comprehensive, tri-hourly Noise-Pop updates.
4. If you're religious, exposure to rabid religion hating will strengthen your pious resolve.
3. Because you can't smell Shark's dirty laundry pile from the internet.
2. Free cat with 10th visit!
1. Because you thought it was gay hour.

Posted by The Jo-Tel 3/14/05 2:05pm

Marriage Is for Fags!

Yesterday, the California Superior Court ruled in favor of the plaintiffs in a same-sex marriage lawsuit. In the words of Judge Kramer, "It appears that no rational purpose exists for limiting marriage in this state to opposite-sex partners . . . . The state's protracted denial of equal protection [for gays and lesbians] cannot be justified simply because such constitutional violation has become traditional."

There is nothing wrong with judicial activism when it corrects something as blatantly unjust as a ban on gay marriages. I hope that, on appeal, California courts take advantage of this opportunity to lead the progressive charge towards a constitutional Constitution.

Posted by Shark 3/14/05 1:21pm

Why Do People Preemptively Flush the Toilet?

Why do people preemptively flush the toilet? You know what I'm talking about. When a guy approaches the urinal and flushes before he even starts peeing. I never do this. It's stupid. I mean, even if the person before you didn't flush at all - and even if their urine is bright yellow - there's really no reason to expend the valuable water of flushing it down. What is it really going to do for you? Is your seven-second piss really that much better for you having flushed the foreign piss prior to commencement? Now, let me clarify one thing. I'm not talking about what guys do when they're drunk - namely, flush excitedly one second into a fifteen-second drunk pee. That phenomenon, while strange, is entirely excusable. Because you're drunk and you’re doing a lot of stupid things. But otherwise, preemptive flushing is a problem. And it minds me.

Posted by Shark 3/11/05 7:14pm

This Joke is Getting Tired

This is something that has been bothering me a lot lately. I'm someone who is very self-aware. Generally this involves being aware that I am Awesome. However, I am also my own biggest critic. And I am intensely aware of the little ruts I get in with my humor. Being this funny is not easy, let me tell you. I'm an engineer. I don't have time to sit around all day coming up with new, original funny things to say. So I often resort to what I like to call 'stock humor.' Stock Humor, for me, consists of a few little Forms that can be quickly adapted to a given situation to produce a small, cheap laugh with little or no effort. Now I don't want to give away too much, but here's a small example, borrowed from Pliska:

The Goose: Nate, can you come here? I can't get the surround-sound to work on the Bed of Roses DVD.

Pliska: YOU'RE a surround-sound.

No, this is not funny, but you get the idea. Anyway, I'm not the only person who uses stock jokes. Pretty much everyone does, but some people don't realize it or they don't spend as much time writing about it while at work as I do. Anyway, someday I'm going to try to compile all my stock humor in one place so I can pass it down to my sons, so they can get some ass in High School! ("Anyway," is not stock humor, I'm just bad at writing.) Here is the reason for this post:

Saturday Night Live, under the influence of the Bill Paxton of Comedy (see also: Bill Pullman), Jimmy Fallon, has fallen hard into a deep rut of stock humor. Namely, the ol' "What IS that?!?" routine. It's SOOOO 21st century ironic indie slacker. It usually gets a laugh, but lately when I do it that laugh feels kind of empty, like when you make out with a drunk chick and the next time you see her she doesn't remember it. Basically it goes like this:

Straightman: [a normal, reasonable statement]

Funny Guy: [the same idea, stretched to the logical extreme!!! (totally weird, like something no NORMAL person would say!!!)]

Straightman: What does that even MEAN??

-alternatively-

Straightman: [a normal, reasonable statement]

Funny Guy: [something completely unrelated, but totally KRRRRAZY!! What a surreal experience!]

-scene- (in the second alternative, the "what does that MEAN?" is implied.)

Here is an example from the classic "Behind the Music: Blue Oyster Cult" sketch:

Posted by Hip E. 3/10/05 1:54pm

The Cool Kids

The Cool Kids are (from left): PETE, Blontine, Karman, Cimi, Thrilliam, Eva.

Pick up their debut album Too Cool For School (Except Thrill) at a store near you.

Contains the following hot sex jamz:

Figure 8 Motion
Watch The Pimp Hand Fly
Bling Factory
Gnar Gnar Bitches
Come In Please feat. Pavel
Maximum Collar Poppage
Shave That Moustache Or I'll Kill You
Not Fucking Around
Mind The Chi-Chis
Fuck Everybody
Jam Of Jams

and

You Can Touch This

Posted by PETE 3/10/05 2:08am

Untitled

-----Original Message-----
From: Hip E.
Sent: Wednesday, March 09, 2005 3:36 PM
To: The Network
Subject: RE: SAG

I'm crazy. I've been physically and mentally paralyzed for the last
hour and a half because the calculator I'm going to get for this test
costs $16 but shipping is $5.90 on Amazon. And to get free shipping I
have to buy like $39 worth of shit, apparently. There's a book that
looks good but it's $26, and that's just way more than I like to spend
on a book. There are some CD's that I want, but there is no fucking way
that I can choose one or two CDs to get out of the hundred or so that I
kinda want. I'm fucked. I just had to walk around the block and buy a
7up to try to clear my head.
First I tried to buy one of those huge 99 cent Arizona Ice Teas, but
when she rung it up, it was $2.00. I was like "oh, but it says 99 cents
on the can here" and she was like "I know, but we charge two dollars."
I was like "oh, I don't have two dollars" and left. That alone set me
back a good five minutes. Now I'm going to do some engineering.

Posted by PETE (because Hip E. forgot) 3/10/05 1:29am

DOWNS!!

My friend Downs is coming to visit from Chicago (on his way to Australia for 2 months) and just in time for the party. Downs is a douche. Downs will be blind drunk by 8pm, passed out on my floor and probably miss his flight. Then I will laugh and laugh. I couldn't really sum up Downs better than in this email I got from my mom this week, but he's basically one of those guys who just has shit go wrong all the time (he was also the kid who always got hit in the head with stuff on the playground):

Josh is busying working in the dining room closet. He is such a doof!!! However, he has done good work. Stained the wood in the upstairs bath, redid the caulk in both bathrooms, painted the hallway ceiling. However, he says he will show up early the next day and either never shows or shows up at 4. Yesterday he came early at 1, but then lost a contact. Went home to get a new pair and his car battery was dead. Geez… He is hoping to take off for Australia in the middle of the week. He will either fly through SF or through LA. So you might be seeing him.

You ever heard of a guy, DJ Shortkut? Just did an email for our China partners and we are giving away concert ticks to his performance if you are a Mileage Plus member.

Maybe give us a call on Sunday if you can work it into your busy schedule. Oh, Emilie bought you a new hat (white!) and there is a note, but I was waiting to finish your care pack before I sent it along.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Guess who?

I just left the rest of the email in there because it's a pretty solid mom email in its entirety, but that's basically downs for you. Also, he sweats.

Seriously though, Downs is my boy, I'm stoked to see him, and I see this as a good omen because... background: you know how when you were in college and your friends from home would come visit you and they would just miss a great weekend, which either just happened, or happens shortly after they leave, so you'd be stuck telling them stories about how really your life is usually so much more fun while they roll their eyes at you and then turn them back to the rerun of South Park you're watching together on a Saturday night? And you know how even if you had a great weekend planned, and you've got like 87 parties to go to but because of their presence, all the parties end up sucking; all the girls are unattractive and not fun, all the guys are unattractive and acting like idiots, throwing shit and quoting the Lil' Jon sketch from the Dave Chapelle show? YEAH!! OKAYYYYY!* (If you weren't in college when the Chapelle Show was on the air, just replace with whatever the lamest, most played out possible thing people could say during that time period).

Well, that was not the case when Downs came to visit. Downs came for a week my junior year and it was probably the best week I had in college. Certainly the best weekend, but the week was pretty solid as well. I could go into detail, but I won't. You guys remember your best week in college right? Sure you do (or rather... you don't, if you follow me). Bottom line is on the Sunday when he was leaving I remember Thrill and I telling him that his experience at Berkeley was a complete anomaly, and how Thrill and I weren't nearly as cool as we must've appeared after that week.

So yeah... it's cool he's coming.

*Anyone quoting this particular sketch in any capacity at our party will be forcibly removed. Anyone quoting the Rick James sketch with be hit in the kneecaps with a bat, and have a bottle of Drano shoved up their anus. Quoting from the World Series Of Dice sketch will be allowed, however, now get upstairs an PUT on some lotion!

Posted by PETE 3/10/05 1:19am

About Right...

Found this on a Web site and thought it was pretty accurate.

In case you can't read the small print at the bottom, it reads "presented by average people who seem to think their lives are interesting." ha HA. Zing you fucking losers! No wonder your only reader is some idiot who's still wearing her LIVE STRONG bracelet. Not like us... Not like us at all...

I'm... gonna go.

Posted by PETE 3/7/05 6:48pm

Literary Exercise

From Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five, my favorite part:

Billy Pilgrim padded downstairs on his blue and ivory feet. He went into the kitchen, where the moonlight called his attention to a half bottle of champagne on the kitchen table, all that was left from the reception in the tent. Somebody had stoppered it again. "Drink me," it seemed to say.

So Billy uncorked it with his thumbs. It didn't make a pop. The champagne was dead. So it goes.

Billy looked at the clock on the gas stove. He had an hour to kill before the saucer came. He went into the living room, swinging the bottle like a dinner bell, turned on the television. He came slightly unstuck in time, saw the late movie backwards, then forwards again. It was a movie about American bombers in the Second World War and the gallant men who flew them. Seen backwards by Billy, the story went like this :

American planes, full of holes and wounded men and corpses took off backwards from an airfield in England. Over France, a few German fighter planes flew at them backwards, sucked bullets and shell fragments from some of the planes and crewmen. They did the same for wrecked American bombers on the ground, and those planes flew up backwards to join the formation.

The formation flew backwards over a German city that was in flames. The bombers opened their bomb bay doors, exerted a miraculous magnetism which shrunk the fires, gathered them into cylindrical steel containers, and lifted the containers into the bellies of the planes. The containers were stored neatly in racks. The Germans below had miraculous devices of their own, which were long steel tubes. They used them to suck more fragments from the crewmen and planes. But there were still a few wounded Americans, though, and some of the bombers were in bad repair. Over France, though, German fighters came up again, made everything and everybody as good as new.

When the bombers got back to their base, the steel cylinders were taken from the racks and shipped back to the United States of America, where factories were operating night and day, dismantling the cylinders, separating the dangerous contents into minerals. Touchingly, it was mainly women who did this work. The minerals were then shipped to specialists in remote areas. It was their business to put them into the ground, to hide them cleverly, so they would never hurt anybody ever again.

The American fliers turned in their uniforms, became high school kids. And Hitler turned into a baby, Billy Pilgrim supposed. That wasn't in the movie. Billy was extrapolating. Everybody turned into a baby, and all humanity, without exception, conspired biologically to produce two perfect people named Adam and Eve, he supposed.

Posted by Hip E. 3/8/05 2:55pm

Here is what I know about M*A*S*H:

When I was a kid, and I was home after school or Saturday morning or whatever, sitting on the couch in my tighty whiteys, eating Honey Nut Cheereos, thinking, "now that was an awesome episode of Duck Tales," sometimes a horrible thing would happen. The screen would go dark, and the menacing sound of a military helicopter would descend on the pastoral setting. A knot would spring to twist in my stomach, and I would wince the wince of the condemned in the split second between the crack of the firing squad rifles and the first thuddening impact. As the signal traveled up my optic nerve, registered its horror, and rode back down my spine to warn the countryside, my pre-pubescent muscles would begin to fire. Randomly at first, but quickly organizing into a concerted effort: I had to reach that TV. But on the other side of the room the helicopter's vulturous flapping was now eclipsed by the synthesized horns of a modern funeral dirge. Dooo dooo doo-Dooo-doo Dooo dooo dooooo... By this point Gummy Bears, Rescue Rangers and G.I.Joes were scattered, moaning on the battlefield of my young psyche as my entire being was tempered, focused, cut down into one immutable line of purpose, stretched in front of me, from the tip of my finger to the "Channel Up" button on the front of the TV. The name of the song is, of course, "Suicide is Painless." Ha! What a funny show! When I heard it, I literally dove across the living room to change the channel. It didn't matter what to. Anything so I wouldn't have to hear one more note of that song telling me that everything is shit. The show may well have been funny. I have no idea because I've never watched an episode. Other than than, I'm sure it's probably a great movie or something. And Saw was awesome. Very scary. If you haven't yet, you should definitely see Saw.

Posted by Hip E. 3/7/05 9:43am

New Worst Tagline Award.

Beating out the face exploding, killing-spree catalyzingly bad tagline for the movie Saw:

"See Saw"

is hard. I actually didn't think I'd ever see it done. I thought "See Saw" would be one of those things I would still be talking about when I was 70.

"Hey Hip E.? Remember back in the Jo-Tel days when that 'horror' movie Saw came out? Yes, that Saw, the one that you admitted to liking, even going so far as to say that it was a 'good horror movie' thus rendering all future opinions on filmic subjects of little to no value. Remember that tagline? Man, what were they thinking with that? Yes, yes, I know that part where the guy is flashing the camera bulb around his apartment is scary, but that-- yes, okay but why didn't he just leave? Okay I-- okay yes, fine, but can we at least agree that the tagline was the worst ever? Thank you. Now where's Inga with our Metamucil?"

I think it might've been topped by the new Kojak series starring Ving Rhames. The show's tagline:

"Get Kojaked!"

I know Hip E. at least just slammed his head down on his desk when he read that. But seriously, this was obviously the first thing that anybody put forth in the "Taglines for Kojak" brainstorming session. Obviously. And no one could come up with anything better? If these are the same people who will be writing for the show, prospects are not promising.

The only thing that could possibly make this okay is if Ving Rhames actually uses this tagline himself at least once an episode, preferably towards the end... while looking directly into the camera. That sample would be solid gold. The Napoleon Dynamite soundboard (could someone who has the link to this throw it in the comments?) would tremble before it's awesome might. An enterprising rapper come construct an entire career on the strength of that sample alone. Well... that sample and a guest spot from Nate Dogg.

I'm going to bed now. My eyes hurt from reading Vanity Fair for the past 3 hours in a low-light environment.

Posted by PETE 3/7/05 1:40am

In Defense of M*A*S*H #1 (An Historical Preface)

M*A*S*H was a great television show that lots of people of my generation hate. The television series (which ran for eleven seasons between 1971 and 1982) was spawned from the popular Robert Altman directed film of the same name. Since only those who lack an ability to appreciate good film could fail to appreciate the substantial worth of M*A*S*H the movie, I will graciously assume that none of my friends who have expressed a distate for the movie really meant what they said and will focus my arguments, instead, on elucidating the beauty of the television series.

Setting M*A*S*H during the Korean War allowed its writers to deploy anti-Vietnam statements with a moderate level of impunity. It became quickly clear to viewers, however, that these writers had little interest in the details of the Korean War. The South Korean villiagers that periodically made their way into the show could easily have been from South Vietnam. Even the north-south dichotomy of war-time Korea provided an apt anology. The medical unit itself, which is bookended by a mountain range and a minefield, tends to detach itself from the Korean War. It so doing, it becomes an allegorical setting for all war. And yet, the personalities of the unit seem most distinctly those of modern war, where regimented military personel of the old-vanguard are thrown together together with reluctant and hapless draftees. In this regard, M*A*S*H was squarely about Vietnam, at time when negative portrayals of Vietnam were simply not allowed in popular media. A movie did not directly deal with Vietnam until 1978 (Mike Cimino's The Deer Hunter). M*A*S*H first aired in 1971. It's success as a platform for pointed and controversial social criticism make it a watershed in the history of television.

Update: "This post is just about as funny as M*A*S*H" -PETE

Posted by Shark 3/7/05 10:32pm

I Have to Get This Out of My System

Today Minga and I are going to go for a walk down to the flea market and then over to Berkeley to see Million Dollar Baby. I'm hoping to find the guy who sells the good wool socks for cheap. Maybe I'll also pick up some african wood sculpture. The PUMA wants us to go to the rugby game. We'll see. What I'm doing here is I'm trying to shoot my way out of a slump. I just haven't been very funny for a week or two and PETE is having to carry this whole thing on his back, and it's just not fair. So I'm just going to keep posting stuff until something funny comes out. No, Johnny D., not that. Not to worry, I'll be funny again by the party. Carry on.

Posted by Hip E. 3/6/05 11:07

March Birthdays

Posted by PETE 3/4/05 3:20pm

Kids These Days

Shit.. I'm not even 26 yet and I already have many of the characteristics of the old, lame man. Like yesterday, my colleague Clifton who volunteers at a middle school to tell kids to be engineers told me that the 7th graders drink lattes and mochas and stuff. This shocked me. It's that damned MTV. It's probably because if I drink more than my "short" coffee in the morning, I'm wired up like a telephone pole for the rest of the day and I can't think about anything for more than 5 seconds at a time. It's like how my dad gets nasty hangovers so when I started binge drinking in High School with the cool kids he thought it was the dumbest thing ever. Kids can just drink more than adults, except in Russia and Ireland. But huge amounts of caffeine - that's just going too far. Humbug!

Also like an old man I'm not funny right now. I got nothin'. And now a classic moment from the Simpsons:

We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.

Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

Posted by Hip E. 3/4/05 8:39am

Last Thing About Noise-p-o-p I swear: A Word On The Ditty Bops

I feel like I can't let my self-imposed one week statute of limitations on posts expire on popnoise without talking about The Ditty Bops and elaborating on Johnny D's short blurb. Aside from being amazing folk instrumentalists with a great back up band, inventive two part harmonies, etc., then are also dangerously, dangerously sassy.

Because I am so in love with Joanna Newsom, I have decided to let Johnny D have dibs on them. They are hot, but the hotness is almost an afterthought once confronted with their sass, which will cause all but the most seasoned sass imbiber to avert their eyes and dump cool water all over themselves. I think they should like, set up a Sass Bank (The Red Hot Cross?) to donate sass to other chicks from the ample sass deposits located in their hips, and in the area around their eyes. Perhaps they could open this Sass Bank in Berkeley where sass reserves are perennially low?

Lucky for you Jo-Tel readers, the other thing these girls have is major label representation, and therefore a sweet Web site with plenty of videos and pictures so you can experience the sass first hand. Don't take my word for it.

...here are some pictures anyways.

And in case you're pressed for time, here's a quicktime movie of them performing their song "Sister Kate" on Conan (other video formats available at their site)

These girls are no doubt residents of Sassyland

Posted by PETE 3/4/05 1:59am

Gabe's Post

A while back our friend Gabe, who lives in DC, sent us something he wanted us to post. Unfortunately, he sent it to the wrong email address for me, the one I never check because it consists almost wholly of offers from polo.com (thanks Marketing 106) and the Go!Game (thanks D-Han). So here it is: Gabe, ladies and gentleman, the O.G. king of angry tirades, tirading about something that no one else hates or finds annoying: pennies! (this rant partially dedicated to the brothers of Sigma Chi).

PENNIES: THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE

Oh, Penny--how I despise you. You are meaningless. Sure, your "currency value" is 1/100th of a dollar, but given the status of the dollar in the current state of the world economy, you're really worth even less than that...

Pathetic.

Is it any wonder people put you in their shoes or glue them to their cars in Berkeley and Ithaca and not use you for monetary transactions? And not only that, but you've ruined the following things including, but not limited to: Penny Marshall, Anfernee Hardaway, PennySavers Magazine (fuck you, why would I want to SAVE pennies?), a Beatle's song (see "Penny Lane"), lameass department store JC Penney and of course our greatest leader, Abraham Lincoln.

I guess I first realized you were the bane of my existence every time I moved into a new room at Sigma Chi. Inevitably the guy who lived in the room the previous semester would leave 486 pennies scattered throughout the room. No matter how hard you tried vacuuming or sweeping, the pennies refused to come unstuck. Apparently, a chemical reaction between the copper (zinc) and the cheap faternity "truckliner carpeting" prevented the cleaning up of pennies unless picked up one-by-one off the nasty-ass floor. The only solace was then flinging the pennies out the window at random passers by on College Avenue.

So go on, Penny. Continue with your pitiful existence until one day, in the not-so-distant future, you're written into extinction...banished to a life of time capsules and a boring display at the U.S. Mint Museum. You disgust me.

Not bad Gabe. Next time, though, I'm going to need more references to physical violence and/or bodily fluids. There is truly nothing worse that paying for something in a store and watching on the cash register display as tax is added to your purchase, making the total something ending in a 1 or a 6, thus leaving you with the maximum possible amount of pennies. Who doesn't hate that? If I may add something else, this post caused me to reminisce about the days long past when the take-a-penny-leave-a-penny tray was making it's first appearances at 7-11s nation wide. Back then, as a 6 year old kid you could walk into the store, grab 5 pennies from the tray, and walk out with a piece of Bazooka Joe or maybe an Atomic Fireball, and the clerk wouldn't even look at you crosswise. Now even small candies cost like 15 cents. Is it any wonder that 4th graders are dressing like skanks or the bassist from Korn? Really a shame... that.

Posted by PETE 3/3/05 9:09pm

T-Shirts! Get Your Jo-Tel T-Shirts!

Posted by PETE 3/3/05 1:25am

Brew-Dog, Ladies Man.

I was going to post this Hall Of Fame Network email from our friend Brew-Dog, who lives in DC but I thought the better of it seeing as the subject matter is rather coarse and vulgar and here at the Jo-Tel we're all about respecting the delicate sensibilities of our readers. However it seems that the PUMA was one step ahead of me, and posted it on his blog, where it fits in much better anyway. Enjoy!

Debaucherous Tales

Disclaimer: The Jo-Tel does not endorse nor condone in any respect the events recounted in the aforementioned email. We hold broads in the highest esteem, especially those of the slamhog variety, and would never support one of them ever hooking up with Brewer, no matter how drunk and horny.

Posted by PETE 3/2/05 11:51pm

Joanna Newsom Please Marry Me and have My Squeaky Babies

I am in love with Joanna Newsom and here is why:

From her song, "Clam, Crab, Cackle, Cowrie":

There are some mornings where the sky looks like a road.
There are some dragons who were built to have and hold.
And some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly.
And some great bellies ache with many bumble bees...
and they sting so horribly.

That is beautiful. Anyone with an appreciation for song writing should agree. I will say no more, except that you should purchase her album and listen to it repeatedly.

This whole Noisepop ordeal actually started because I saw her picture on the cover of The Guardian and read the article inside which was how I found out that she was going to be playing. So I went to the Noisepop site and saw, to my horror, that both shows were already sold out but if I bought the pass I could get into any show... so I bought the pass. I mean there were plenty of other bands I was interested in seeing, but she was basically the reason for the major bone outlay.

I had hear about her audiences, how much they loved her, etc. But still, I was not prepared for what I saw (and heard) on Friday-

I have never, ever seen a crowd react to a performer like this crowd reacted to her (it was the same both nights). While she played you could look at the face of any person in there, and know that they were falling madly in love. Some people would be so deep after a song that they'd forget to clap, and midway though the applause they'd just put their hands together by rote, but you could tell they were still thinking about the song that just ended, still trying to process what the fuck just happened to them.

The clapping after each song was positively thunderous. I don't think I heard her say "thank you" once (she said it after every song, I just never heard it). And when she told everyone that this or that song would be her last, the crowd made sounds like they'd been collectively punched in the gut.

But the last notes... the last notes of that last song were the worst. You could hear the intakes of breath, the sighs, the moans from the audience when they realized that the evening was over, and all they had left were a few notes. A room full of broken hearts (I heard later that lots of people were actually crying). Then it was over. More clapping. Standing ovations both nights. She got up from the stage and walked hurriedly upstairs past the adoring masses. At this point, people were looking at her like she was the Pope.

Oh. I just thought about how she's only 23 again... never stops being ridiculous.

After the Saturday show, I made Johnny D wait out front with me. I wanted to get my picture with her, which is stupid maybe but the lighting sucked inside and I wasn't able to get any good shots of her while she was playing. The only other people waiting outside were this group of three girls and this other hippie couple. This kind of shocked me. Considering the way the crowd reacted to her, I figured it would've been a mob scene of starry eyed zealots, but no - just the 7 of us. After about 15 minutes, I saw a pair of mukluks at the top of the stairs. I immediately froze up and knew I wasn't going to be able to say anything to her. I felt like if I had seen her walking around on the street I would've talked to her no problem but waiting for her outside her own show I just felt well... like a douche. She came out with her dad and was standing right in front of me talking to the couple. I was staring at the ground pretending to fumble with Hip E.'s camera and trying to think of something to say. Meanwhile Johnny D was doing his best not to help by telling me to "stop being a pussy" under his breath. After she was done talking to the couple she looked over at us like "Well?" Once she had determined that we were just a couple of mouth-breathers, she turned up the street and walked off.

So yeah... she wanted it pretty bad obviously.

Before she came down the three girls had gotten discouraged and walked off. I saw them down the block outside the MUNI entrance and was like "you guys missed her. She came down just after you left."

"What!?! If you are kidding me I'm going to hit you! You'd better not be kidding!"

"I'm not."

"So you saw her? Oh my God! Isn't she magical? She's fucking magical. We decided that she rode to the show on a rainbow, and that she owns a unicorn." Obviously they were joking but... at the same time I think most anyone who saw her shows would agree that if anyone really could ride around on beams of light and tame mythical creatures, it would probably be her.

The point being that after seeing her live I really understand this whole propensity to describe her as somehow otherworldly (elf, gnome, fairy, owner of unicorns). It's really hard to think of her like doing regular stuff like shopping for food, reading a newspaper, or listening to music other than her own. Which is exactly why I fucking love this picture of her I found on the Web site for her band, The Pleased:

YES!! After seeing those shorts, she really comes down to earth a bit.

My dream would be to probably just go out and have a drink with her and talk about like, I don't care: dumb shit and do it over a cheap beer. I don't think she'd be like "Sorry, I only drink the sweet nectar of wild flowers mixed with the dew collected from the scales of a slumbering snake." Here is another picture of her holding a beer, presumably for drinking:

...looking quite fetching I might add. Damn Gina.

For now I think things between Lohan and me are over... unless she learns to play the hammer dulcimer or some shit. That would be hot.

Posted by PETE 3/2/05 12:59am

Jo-Tel Joke Hour

Here's a joke from my boss. I sent it to Hip E. because I figured it might actually replace the "Supplies!" joke as his favorite one ever. Either way, this is an awesome joke. We only post the best.

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dollar fo yen- Today I get hunat eighty?"

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

Posted by PETE 3/1/05 1:17pm

Thanks Giles.

Giles sent me this link, which was basically a call out because he got a perfect score. According to this simple test I have 20/20 breast vision. So does Giles... but he better because he's the only guy I know who looks at more porn than I do. I'm sure he breezed through it (well... in 3 minutes), whereas I actually got tripped up a few times.

It's kind of like the written test at the DMV. Like half are gimmies, but there are just enough hard ones to make you fail.

See if you can roll with the Oak Park porn dorks. Are you as pathetic as us?

Update: An email exchange with the G-Man:

I intend to use this random internet breast test to
prove your theory about lindsay lohan and about fake
boobs in general.

Basically, lindsay lohan's boobs are real and never let
a woman tell you different.

I made both of my roommates do the breast test and
both got the same score, 18/20. The only people I've
seen get a 20/20 are all men.

Your theory is correct, [PETE], men know fake boobs
better than women because we see way more boobs in
general than they do and we dedicate a lot of our
waking house to seeing [even more].

I could have written this better but I think you get
my point.

Pass the test along and see if any girl you know can
get a 20/20.

peace,
Giles

--- PETE <thejotel@gmail.com> wrote:

> 20/20.
>
> But I was sweating and I changed #[redacted] from fake to
> real and then back to fake at the last minute.
>
> Phew!
>
> Lohan... real or fake?

Posted by PETE 3/1/05 1:39am

Place Holder / Fluf

More Noisepop when I get the time, but for now just a short story from Saturday's Rogue Wave show. I was talking to this girl I met in between The Comas and Rogue Wave and her friend came up to us from the front of the crowd and was like:

"Keira, what are you doing?"

"I'm just talking to this interesting gentleman here..."

"I see... well lets go to the bathroom. Oh, Carl from The New Pornographers is here and he wants to fuck me..."

She did not look amused (although I must say she never looked amused as far as I knew). "Really?" I said, as in "Really? Carl from The New Pornographers is here?" not "Really? He wants to fuck you?" or "Really? He wants to fuck you?!? (eew)." I think she interpreted it as one of the latter though because she shot me a dirty look when I was like "Nice!"

Keira was like "How could you tell?" She looked at us deadpan: "Because he just whispered in my ear, 'I want to fuck you.'"

I was going to say "Did he ask you if he could film it?" but decided against it because, as I said, she did not look in the mood for intentionally bad jokes.

Posted by PETE 3/1/05 12:22am