"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."
- Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint
Some Time This Century
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THE JO-TEL IS:
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CURRENTLY READING:
Hip E.
- Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759-67)
- Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)
Shark
- Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
- Kevin Star, A History of California:
1840 - 1875.
- Paul Celan, Breathturn
PETE
- Cormac McCarthy, Suttree
Johnny D.
- Jean Luc d'Emo, Reel
The Quail
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CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
Hip E.
- Neko Case, Blacklisted (2002)
- Hip E., Pando Mix Rev. 0 (2007)
- Rock Plaza Central, Are We Not Horses? (2006)
Shark
- Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Blank
Generation (1977)
- The Kinks, The Village Green Preservation
Society (1968)
- Silver Apples, Contact (1969)
PETE
- Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)
Johnny D
- Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it (1980)
- The Blow, Paper Television (2006)
- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3 (1999)
The Quail
- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)
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I'm on the trail of a chocolate soda for
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- Charlton Heston (1924 - )
The Jo-Tel... Higher than Jesus | Show Menu |
End-of-Month Bathroom Post
Funny story about peeing from Pliska in Portland on Professor Truth. If any of you Jo-tel readers listen to the Jim Rome radio program, you might recognize the name. Yes, he's THAT Pliska in Portland. Pliska's high-water mark - his "Hey Crackhead", if you will - was probably the day when Jay Mohr (of SNL and Jerry Maguire fame) was guest-hosting, read one of his emails on the air, and promptly told him to never email the show again. It was out of respect though. Before law school, Pliska was a minor national radio celebrity.
Posted by Hip E. 3/31/05 12:53pm
Random Thoughts From a Triceratops with a Saddle
Hi kids! Look at me! I'm in a museum, which makes me a scientific fact. Also, I'm old, which make scientist's "opinions" about me just "theories." Like that silly theory that my human buddies did not coexist with me. If that's true, and dinosaurs like me "predated" humans as God created them, then why am I wearing a saddle?? Pretty hard to figure out, eh?
But God, I have one question. Why did you have to kill me and my dinosaur friends off? Was it because we're ugly? It's because I'm black isn't it. And why save lizards and alligators. I eat pieces of shit like that for breakfast. God: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast? Sometimes, but I also eat lizards. They're fucking delicious. And worthless. But, according to your plan, they survive and I'm left to rot here in this ridiculous Creationist museum with all these religious idiots looking at me and that saddle the curator bought at Big Five. Sorry kids, Dino didn't his coffee this morning. Well, I did but the coffee-to-grounds ratio was too low. Wink!
Posted by a Triceratops with a Saddle 3/31/05 11:41pm
Untitled
I was going to post about how nobody wanted to post on the last day of the month because their post will just be archived in a matter of hours but then I realized that, if I posted, my post would just be archived in a matter of hours, so I decided against it.
Posted by Shark 3/31/05 11:39
This Is Amazing
High School kids in Danville, Kentucky. Dinosaurs with saddles. I could have sworn it was the year 2005.
Posted by Hip E. 3/30/05 at some point
"Hey Crackhead" Turns 1
Today marks the one year aniversary of the birth of the triumphant generational statement that is "Hey Crackhead". At this very desk were I now sit to memorialize its inception, Hip E. first began to compile his now famous rant about getting spark plugs stolen by crackheads. [I wrote "Hey Crackhead" at my desk at work on Saturday afternoon, March 27, 2004. - Hip E.] At first, fame seemed to come easily to Hip E. When the posting came full circle and was returned to him by acquaintances ignorant to the fact that the anonymous post had been written by none other than Hip E. himself, Hip seemed to take it in stride. Even when naked jacuzzi partiers (at the NJP II, I believe) voted "Hey Crackhead" a more notable accomplishment than the Big Cat's nationally broadcast (on Jim Rome) diatribe on sport network acronym banners [FN1], Hip retained a level-headed modesty that seemed to indicate that the best was yet to come.
However, recently fame seems to have taken its toll on Hip E. The once-promising comedic voice has been all but muted by a J.D. Salinger like seclusion from public posting [FN2]. "Hey Crackhead", which used to open doors, has now seemed to become Hip's Catch-22, his Loveless - an albatross across his neck whose brilliant life and natural expiration Hip has never been quite able to overcome. So here, on this momentous anniversary, let us remember the laughs, but let us also look to the future and contemplate - for Hip E. and for all of us - what might be . . .
FN1: For example, "Excellent Seattle Pounds New York"
FN2: The Jo-tel does not count.
Posted by Shark 3/29/05 at some point
Happy Day-After-Easter
The day after Easter is great for the same reason the day after Christmas is great: sales. Except today instead of 2-for-1 boxer briefs at Structure, it's tons of cheap ass candy. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups: 79 cents for a pack of 2. Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs: 5 for a dollar, and so on. As long as the candy is in some sort of ovoid or leporid shape, it's getting discounted, and subsequently bought by me.
Easter candy is so great because unlike some other candy-centric holidays, you aren't limited to any one type of candy like just chocolate (or peppermint). Like basically every type of candy has some sort of Easter permutation, which, as far as I can tell, only serves the purpose of ensuring that Easter Baskets don't clash. Plus there's even some special stuff that only gets made around Easter like Peeps and Cadbury Eggs. I am of the opinion that both of the former taste like shit, however, my personal favorite is also an Easter only special. These:
They're basically egg shaped gumballs, but Hersheys (who makes them) really doesn't have a similar, non-Easter product. Each carton has maybe 50 pieces of gum in the following assortment of flavors: banana, orange, blueberry, strawberry, grape, cherry, peppermint, and green. The reason why they're so good is that each piece of gum, while very flavorful at first, loses it's flavor pretty fast (just bear with me) but instead of spitting them out one or two at a time just just keep adding pieces until the wad is too big to chew (never a problem for Walloch). Rinse. Repeat. In this way they almost become like a snack or something. If that sounds stupid to you, fine... but I'm telling you you're missing out.
Bonus: the blueberry ones don't turn your mouth blue. I hate that shit.
Now that Easter is over, there won't be any more candy holidays until... THE candy holiday so I suggest stocking up. If you play this right you could still be eating egg-shaped Sweet Tarts well into September.
Posted by PETE 3/28/05 before midnight, definitely
Jo-Tel Mailbag.
Ansell on Frank Thomas and steroids:
Big Frank must be more pissed about steroids than ANYONE ELSE IN THE MAJORS. Here you have, a hoss of a man, 6'5, built like a brick wall kinda guy, a guy who NATURALLY can just mash a baseball. Then you get some little Phil Oberholtzer 6'1", lackluster squirt of a white guy, who maybe hit a few gappers in high school -- then suddenly bulks up and becomes capable of the same power as Frank.
Uh, excuse me, little white man? ...Oh, you must've just seen Rocky.....
F Marcus Giles and his brother Brian. F Sammy, that little dominican shoe shiner, and F every white reliever who 15 years ago threw 86-87 mph and now, thanks to steroids (and the tree trunk legs steroids have built) this same little scrappy white-dipturd throws 93. oh yeah, and that little white reliever sports a goatee now to hide his pink, prepubescent face that screams boyhood to all who can see past the lie.
ROGER MARIS's 61 hrs in a season is the benchmark as far as I'm concerned.
Cimi on the Har Mar Superstar show:
Har Mar was awesome. I'm a bit embarrased because he pulled me up on the stage and proceeded to make out with me in front of 400 people. No big whoop. But I got really embarrased. We hung out all night and I had Karman and Bjorn's Swedish friend Otto with me that was probably like...WTF? as we were sitting backstage and all of these rockstar coke heads were in and out and I was applying make up to Har Mar's bassist because he found it therapeutic, and the drummer kept calling Otto Eurotrash, and Har Mar was simulating sex with me. It was probably one of the most surreal experiences that even I have had.
Our friends...
Also, I guess now would be as good a time as any to ask all of you random visitors to the Jo-Tel to drop us a line at the gmail address to the left. How did you happen upon us and why in the fuck do you keep coming back? Just curious.
Posted by PETE 3/28/05 6:52pm
One Last Divisive Political Post
Then I'll be funny again! Re: the Noonan post.
I disagree with Sullivan too. Pay no attention to my rantings.
Posted by Hip E. 4:50pm 3/28/05
This is pretty funny
Tough, gay cop characterizes tense police situation as a "cock block." (watch the video)
via Wonkette (Is that how you're supposed to do that? I'm not used to giving other people credit for things.)
Posted by Hip E. 2:48pm 3/28/05
Terri Schiavo Blogs!
and gets way more hits than us.
Posted by Hip E. 8:23am 3/28/05
A Conversation with Shark
PETE: Hey Shark, do you have a hooded swaetshirt that zips up that I could borrow?
Shark: I'm actually currently in the process of locating my only hooded sweatshirt which I'm going to wear... Sorry.
PETE: What color is it?
Shark: Blue. It's the plain blue one I always wear.
PETE: Oh...
Shark: [turns to look in his closet, starts pushing hangers around] I do have this "Mammoth Lakes" one though.
PETE: Does it zip?
Shark: Not all the way.
PETE: Does it have a hood?
Shark: No.
Posted by PETE 3/28/05 12:20am
How NOT to wake up (and some other stuff)
Here's a bad way to wake up on a Sunday: be initially awoken from a pleasant, non hung-over slumber by a dull thud. Open your eyes and realize that the mocha you bought yesterday on your way home from work but didn't finish, and which was on your nightstand, is now on your floor, soaking into your carpet (1). However, you are unable to assess the damage fully because you wear thick glasses and are blind without them (2) but when you reach for them you realize that your good reachin' arm is completely numb because you slept on it weird (3). After using you other, non-numb arm to get feeling back into your reachin' arm, you reach for your glasses and realize that they aren't on your nightstand either (4) so you figure that you probably passed out with them on after leaving The Jungle (1st floor of The Jo-Tel; home of The PUMA, Johnny D, Dolemite, B-Ford, and Nenita's boyfriend) last night where, after a spirited round of dominoes, the PUMA and B-Ford got into a wresting match in the hallway on account of The PUMA throwning a piece of colby jack at B-Ford, to which B-Ford retaliated by throwing an array of detritus back at The PUMA, including a small piece of the chair that Chris had sat in and broke earlier in the night to the amusement of all (I would've left the Jungle and returned to the peaceful serenity of The Garden immediately once I relaized that The PUMA was drunk, because I did NOT want Laudan or Mel (girls who live on the second floor) to come down and yell at us for being loud on what would've been the third Saturday in a row - the first being our party and the second being last week where Laudan was awakened at 3:00am by the sound of The PUMA vomitting off our front porch and then when she came down to give us the "You guys, this has to stop. Seriously." speech she had to wait until The PUMA finished peeing onto the sidewalk, which did surprisingly little to alleviate her anger - but my chicken breast wasn't done cooking in the Foreman grill and I had to wait)... oh yeah, so then in the process of shaking out the folds of your comforter trying to locate your glasses you knock your throw pillow into the puddle of coffee (5) but still no glasses, which you eventually find lodged in the crevasse between your bed and nightstand so you put them on and go to get paper towels from the kitchen but there aren't any (6) so you have to go downstairs to borrow some. Then while wicking the coffee away from the carpet fibers you notice there are ants on your nightstand, in spite of the rather conspicuous absence of foodstuffs (7) (by the way Hip E. I'm typing this post on your computer and there are ants ALL over your desk. You might want to get that taken care of). After that I was like "Fuck this, I'm going back to sleep and trying this whole waking up this again." So I did. After a much less eventful wake up I went into Hip E.s room to see if he and Inga wanted to get breakfast and found these drawings on his coffee table:
which are pretty funny, especially considering that Inga drew the boobs. I don't know who drew the flower. That about does it here...
Posted by PETE 3/28/05 12:08am
Hey
Fuck you Shark! ...Asshole!
Posted by Bologna 12:52am 3/26/05
Reports of My Nihilism Are Greatly Exaggerated
Contrary to the Puma's assertions, I am not a nihilist. Accordingly, analogies to notorious nihilists like Raskalnikov are inapt at best and libelous at worst. I don't think that it was allright for him to kill that old bitch in Crime and Punishment. I believe that killing is wrong. [FN1] That is one of my many moral beliefs that make me, by definition, not a nihilist. Here is a non-exuastive list of some of my other beliefs:
- I believe that Catch-22 might still be the best book I've ever read;
- I believe that true altruism does not exist;
- I believe the modern artistic sensibility is best served by receiving equal proportions of the following media:
- (1) books
- (2) music
- (3) visual
- (a) art
- (b) movies
- (c) TV;
- I believe, as a corollary, that most people recieve too much 3(c);
- I believe there is no God;
- I believe that, in the morning, Hip's room smells like bologna rotting in the summer heat;
- I believe that art is the most difficult profession. (I study law.)
- I believe that The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time is the best video game ever made. I honestly believe that.
- I believe that Ryan Seacrest is uttery worthless.
FN1: Except when committed in self-defense or when the person being killed has been deemed by several doctors and found by several judges to be in a "permanently vegitative state." I hate Tom DeLay.
Posted by Shark 3/25/05 10:25pm
Protesters
This picture is on the front page of CNN.com at 2:37pm:
"Tensions run high amongst protesters in the Schiavo Case"
I love that everyone who sees this picture is like "wow, look at the trash with the torn shirt - he's gotta be on the bad side of this thing" and then they look at the other guy, and they're like "hmm.. maybe torn shirt dude is on my side after all." At least, that's what happened to me.
Posted by Hip E. 2:42pm 3/24/05
Mid-Month Archive
We've written so much this month that we ran out of space and I had to archive 3/1/05 - 3/15/05 so we'd have room to keep bringing you the hilarious shit that you've come to expect from the Jo-Teliers. This is fine, the only problem is that I left all the comments for the month on this page so some of them might not make sense... sorry. Also, I have made the popular slang dictionary post a permanent link under the "Shit Hot Features" on the sidebar. We update it occasionally so feel free to check back, though we'll probably do a proper Volume II at some point. That's all. Carry on.
Posted by PETE 3/23/05 11:22pm
Random Jo-Tel Thoughts by PETE
1) Ahh capricious youth. We'll see how many times on the Jo-Tel Hip E. goes off on minitirades about Sweet L. Ron, links to clambake.org, and then forgets and does it again two months later. (Tally so far: 1)
2) I'm torn about the replacement of the Proust picture with the Tom Cruise picture on our menu bar. I hate Proust, but I loved the picture and the slang dictionary quotes were money (a couple great quotes were forthcoming I might add, including the seminal "So many slizzities, so little time"). For those that don't know, the menu bar and edits thereof have largely been the domain of Hip E. and Shark, thus Hip E. posted the Tom Cruise pic which replaced the Proust pic Shark posted to replace the "Banging Is My Passion" t-shirt which was posted by Hip E. So it goes. I really like the Cruise pic too but I just don't feel that Proust had done all he could have done humor wise. That's just me. Also, I have shortened the Cruise picture lengthwise to more accurately reflect Tom's lillyputian stature. What a neck ass.
3) We did actually receive a fair number of complaints about the crotch pic. Sorry ladies... but that shit is hot AND tastefully airbrushed. Also, like I said it was basically the only picture I could find of Valentina online. In the future I will try to feature only rack-centric pictures of girls who would never talk to me.
4) Yes our party was fun. I have only refrained from collecting my thoughts via a post as pictures are only now becoming available, and I like pictures because of the colors and shapes. I still must track down Downs in Australia who was really the only guy who took lots of-- no wait Dana took lots of pictures too! But she's in China. Fuck... Damn you globetrotting jouseguests!
5) After having it since before Christmas, I finally got my "Le Grand Macabre" poster framed and hung... like a picture of a horse (oh!). After much argument we hung it above our stairwell. Here is a picture of that:
This bad boy is 4ft, x 6.5ft. and a one of a kind (I mean literally. The poster is called a three-sheet and it's placed in a big frame outside the opera house to advertise the show during it's run. They only make one per opera, and I got this one which is cool).
6) The comments section is foundering! We need some juice. Okay here's what we're gonna do. Magda, you post a comment saying you don't like my shirt. Pliska, then you comment and say that you hope Magda dies and burns in eternal hellfire because it's a very nice shirt. Then Inga, you, under an assumed name, call me a pathetic loser for not being able to control Pliska because he's a LOOSE CANNON and his father IS THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY!!! Then Hip E., you say something pithy utilizing italics to ensure that no one misses how funny you are. Then Thrill, you quote a line from Zoolander and we'll all have a good laugh! Sound good? 1-2-3 Break! (this is probably only funny to like 6 people... 3 people.)
7) The new show on Bravo! about people who own dog show dogs could quite possibly be the best thing ever on television. On the preview tonight they had this gay dude who was like "Our dogs has more expensive clothes than most people we know" which was voiced over a montage of all these little dog outfits, including a mink coat and some dog Jordans. If you aren't salivating right now then... you just aren't human.
9) Today in our kitchen, Thrill called Terri Schiavo "Tardi Schiavo" and we all laughed (including Inga). I'm going to assume that I'll probably feel bad about laughing at some point.
10) Number 8 didn't make the cut.
Posted by PETE 3/23/05 1:12am
Just To Clarify
My beef with Christianity and my beef with Scientology only intersect at the highest philosophical levels. At least Christianity has tradition. It's old. So, since most people don't know that something being old doesn't make it true, that tradition helps explain why people believe in the Christian God. I mean, it's a very deep, philosophical question that goes back thousands of years through human history, and it won't be cleared up any time soon. It's pretty clear to me, but I mean for other people.
Scientology, on the other hand, entails believing that the only reliable source of information about... everything... is L. Ron Hubbard, an insane science fiction author and compulsive liar who claimed that he had visited earth 50,000 years ago and buried vast treasures on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea. I could write for hours about this, but I've got to get back to work. I'm fascinated by people like Jesus, John Smith (Mormonism), L. Ron, Jim Jones (People's Temple - Jonestown), David Koresh, etc.
Read about Hubbard: go here; and here.
Posted by Hip E. 3/22/05 1:49pm
God Wants You! ... To Kill A Cop
Here's the email I wrote after I ran out of coffee at work and read this piece by Peggy Noonan. I thought I'd put something up here so our female fans wouldn't have to keep looking at that chick's crotch. I'm the sensitive one. That said, I'd like to apologize to our fundamentalist Christian fans for the following vitriol. But I probably still think I'm right. Also we had been talking about Terri Shiavo all day, which speaks to my state of mind.
This is sickening. The "logic" these fucking people employ is fascinating. It makes sense though with the maze-like gilded complexity of the catholic bureaucracy. Oh, isn't it delightful, you crazy bitch, how mysterious are the workings of Our Lord!!! Hosannah in the Highest! If I were God, I would have never thought of such a great miracle!
See, there weren't enough Christians in this one prison. God, seeing and knowing all, perceived this. In fact, it was part of his great, mysterious plan for the world. It's very important to God that everything happen Just So. Except for when the Devil tricks people into doing Bad Things, because he gave us Free Will! Which was all part of his plan. So I guess he took that into account. Anyway, so there was this benighted prison. (Somehow I find it hard to believe that there is a prison where there aren't enough fucking whacked out high school dropout born-agains, but there must have been at least one). God needed somebody in there to tell the other prisoners to believe in him and stuff. What to do, what to do? Oh, God has it! He'll have a guy.. go crazy! And commit some crimes. Then.. when he goes to court.. he'll take a gun from the bailiff and shoot and kill her! Wait, wait, ... also he'll shoot and kill the judge, and maybe some other people in the courtroom. God can figure out the details as he goes along, but this is getting good! OK, then... he'll run outside.. kill a few more people... and jack somebody's car! Great. Jack a few more random people's cars along the way, for variety's sake, sure. He'll go to the house of a federal agent.. And Kill Him!!! Nice! OK, the guy is probably in pretty big trouble by now. God sends him to this chick's house so he'll take her hostage. Thinking quickly, God goes back a few years and whacks the chick's husband, so they'll have something to talk about. They chat, and she happens to be reading a Christian Self-help Book. What are the chances? Coincidence? I think not! (Just checking if you've got enough Faith to follow my logic here!) Anyway, she doesn't know it yet, but she's an angel, and she convinces him that he's killed enough people already and that he shouldn't kill her, or himself. How would she know that he's killed enough people? What are we at now, 5, 6? Because she PRAYED ABOUT IT, duhhhhhhhhhhhh. So God then gives this guy the heavenly grace to not kill her and to allow her to turn him in. So now God'll have a good man on the inside telling everyone about how merciful he is!!!
Admit it Atheist Losers: Evolution could never have come up with such a mysterious miracle! Praise Jesus!
So there's your vitriol. If you disagree with me, by all means email us and tell me why I'm wrong, I always like to expand my mind. But I'm not wrong.
Posted by Hip E. 3/22/05 9:20am
Valentina Zelyaeva
Shark and I both chose (independently) her as the hottest of the Eastern European Supermodels featured in Vanity Fair. Merz, get out from uder the blanket, hand Mary the vaporizer and find me more pictures of this chick!
Posted by PETE 3/17/05 1:22am
Comments.
I gotta say this month the comments are probably the funniest thing on this site. It's like an And-1 Mix Tape down there. Check it.
Posted by PETE 3/17/05
Questions.
If you're restaurant is called 'Kentucky Fried Chicken," why would you use the song "Sweet Home Alabama" in your commercials and actually play the part of the song where the guy sings: "Swee-eeeet Home Al-la-ba-ma!"? Just asking.
Posted by PETE 3/17/05 12:04am
Not To Mention...
nicole dehuff, star wars trailer, allison krauss whiskey lullaby, chris ledoux, ncaa brackets, tara reid, shannon elizabeth, leprechaun, harry potter, or mario vazquez. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE RIGHT ALONG FOLKS, NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
Posted by Hip E. 11:01pm 3/16/05
St. Patrick's Day
I was writing this post which was originally just going to deal with my objection to The Buena Vista, a pub down by the Cannery that claims to have invented Irish Coffee, but I started writing and it kind of got out of hand. I apologize for the extreme length of this post. I might move it onto a separat page at some point but not now. Really, really sorry.
::::::::::::::::::::::
So St. Patrick's day is tomorrow and I guess everyone is expecting me to get really drunk or something on account of my Irish blood. Well... I probably will but it's not going to be some big, epic, PUMA/Johnny D-esque performance. To be honest I'm more excited about the NCAA Tournament starting than Patrick's, which is why I'm taking Friday off... for the second best sports day of the year (Thursday being the first best).
I never really celebrated St. Pat's as a drinking holiday until my Sophomore year in college when it happened to fall on a Saturday (I did dye my hair green in 8th grade which wound up costing us gold at the Illinois State Science Fair... but that's not really drinking). I wasn't really planning much but I got a call from my cousin saying she was in town for a softball game and I should come meet her and her team for lunch. So I corralled the PUMA into accompanying me and we headed down to Pier 39 to feast on tradition Irish fare at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. We both ordered lots of food and the bill wound up being pretty big but my cousin pulled out a credit card and told us that my Aunt Linda had instructed her to buy me lunch. We decided between us that obviously, she wouldn't want to leave the PUMA out in the cold so his food got paid for too.
Both the PUMA and I took this as an omen that the day would be a special one. We walked down the Embarcadero to the Buena Vista and began to drink. The first thing I noticed there is that they had this plaque on the wall that claimed I was standing in the very bar where Irish coffee was invented... in 1952. I was immediately skeptical and if I may digress: Irish coffee is basically coffee, with cream and sugar, and Irish whiskey. I don't know when coffee arrived in Ireland, and I don't know when whiskey was first distilled in Ireland, but if you expect me to believe that it took until 1952 for some Irishman to figure out that mixing coffee with whiskey makes a tasty drink, then you are the greenest of imbeciles. I would venture that for most of the 19th century, whiskey was a more popular addition to black coffee that either cream or sugar. I imagine Irish Coffee was probably invented IN IRELAND but some old drunk ass Irish dude who was on his 10th glass of whiskey when he told the barkeep "Hey Mic! I've gotta get up early tomorrow and beat me wife, could you pour some o' that old coffee in this glass for me?" Anyways, after berating the bar tender, and telling him that I invented the vodka tonic at a party the previous week, we left and went to some other bar the name of which I disremember. However a chance meeting with Tony Perez led us toward the financial district and thence to Schroeder's where we proceeded to get more drunk and steal green jello shots from the hot waitresses. We'd have our friend Salty D (who was at Schroeder's already when we got there) get one of the girls' attention; then while he fumbled in his wallet for two $1 bills, I would be offloading $16 worth of shots from her tray while she wasn't paying attention. People always ask me "Didn't she notice the weight difference?" Evidently not... I also found an Eve CD which I took and never listened to.
After a short stop at Casa V, the previous and TERRIBLE name for what is now the downstairs floor of the Jo-Tel (perhaps Hip E. or Shark, both one-time residents of Casa V can elaborate), we went to some club where I proceeded to do ecstasy for the first and so far, the only time, and hook up with some 25 year old UCSF Med student who I'd lied to and said I was 20 (I was 19). She seemed to dig me despite the fact that I was sweating profusely on account of the drugs, and the fact that I was dressed like an idiot because I had borrowed pants from Brent and they were way too small, plus I was wearing a fucking backpack at a club, and the list goes on. It's a good thing I lied to her about my age but didn't say I was 21 or over because we tried to go to another club and I got turned away at the door. (at the time I was using my friend Molloy's Driver's License as a fake. Molloy is Irish Irish and I figured if his Ireland DL would work any day of the year without question, it was Patrick's. I was wrong, as I was turned away by a guy who was wearing what looked to be a bullet proof vest with the words "I.D. SPECIALIST" emblazoned on the back. Quoth he as he parted the velvet rope to deposit me back on the street: "They don't call me I.D. Specialist for nothin'.") So we went back to her place and hooked up for a while until we heard her friend come inside. Her friend was visiting her from Houston and her flight left at 5:30am. It was 4am and she wasn't packed. Despite this fact, the Med student insisted on driving me all the way back to Berkeley BEFORE she came back to the city to drive her friend to SFO. About now all of our Bay Area readers are shaking their heads because they know that this 100% impossible even at 4am with no traffic. I told her I'd wait and go with her to the airport. I told her I'd wait until the BART started running but she'd have none of it.
We pulled up in front of my house at 5am. Her friend was obviously fucked and she knew I had been right, and she wasn't too thrilled about either fact. Our parting words went something like this:
"So... how do I get back to the freeway."
"Turn around, right on Claremont, right onto the freeway, follow the signs for the bridge."
"So... do you want my number or something?"
"Sure. [grab piece of paper, start writing number, finish writing number. pause, think "Oh. Shit." look at girl]"
"...You forgot my fucking name didn't you?"
"Yes."
"It's Rebecca"
"REBECCA! Damn. I almost had it."
"Bye!"
"Bye. So... should I cal-- [take one look at her face] No. Okay."
Then I had to prop a section of chain link fence up on the side of our house to climb in my window because our door was locked and my roommate was out cold.
That was an good night (and there was plenty of stuff I left out like Dorin sleazing all over his friend Sandy or Hip E. showing up at 3:30am with Renzo in a limo full of hookers). Probably one of my best but every year since, Patrick's has fallen on a weekday and the festivities have been sub par to say the least. For some reason that year I don't remember any of the places we went on a Saturday being all that crowded. Now for some reason, on a weekday no less, even trying to go to an actually Irish Pub anywhere in the city is pure folly, as you will have to wait 30 minutes plus for a drink while having your personal space violated, only to win the opportunity to try and carry 6-8 drinks back through the phalanx to the remote corner which your friends have staked out, etc, etc.
Another thing about St. Pat's in SF: I have lots of Irish friends, and I mean Irish as in from Ireland, and they all have this thing where they get pissed when they meet Americans who are like "Oh! You're from Ireland! I'M Irish too! Isn't that crazy?" This is sort of understandable, but I really never saw why Irish could only apply to nationality, and not ethnicity. Seemed kind of dumb. However, St. Patrick's is the one day of the year where I, as a half-blood Irishman, feel a similar twinge of emotion when I go down to a street fair, or walk into a bar, and find myself waiting in line for a $5 beer behind a group of twenty Asian girls wearing green paper hats all babbling on their cell phones tell their friends to "get down here." Now... I have no problem with any non-Irish people celebrating with us but on the one day out of the year were people actually want to be Irish (the other 364 they tend to look upon our pale skin, red hair, and large foreheads with disdain and pity) I think I should get something for actually being Irish. - it's like going to a party at your own house and having to wait in line to get to a keg that you paid for... plus all the people in front of you you don't remember even inviting. I'd like to see one of the more... we'll say "overt"* Irish bars set up a special bar with a sign that says "Non-Irish Need Not Apply." But until that happens, my plan is to buy a case, watch basketball until 10, then go to Tongue & Groove for the Tainted Love show and get hammered there while drunkenly yelling at them to play some Wilson Phillips.
Perhaps I'll see you there?
PS For anyone who thinks my private bar for those of Irish descent conflicts with the whole Irish Irish thing I would just point out that St. Pat's as most people think of it - parades, green dyed rivers, and specials on Guinness - really is an Irish-American holiday. It came to prominence during the late 19th and early 20th centuries when the large immigrant Irish communities in cities like New York and Chicago would hold big events to reconnect with their heritage... and to get obliterated. In Ireland, it was originally a religious holiday commemorating the death of St Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland. People would go to church mostly, and they were allowed to break the Lenten restriction on meat eating but until recently, it was a law that all the bars in Ireland be closed on the 17th. Now I guess it's big shit over there but mostly because of American tourist like me who want to get drunk in the homeland. So even the Irish have us to thank for making St. Patrick's Day a true paen to alcoholism!
*By "overt" I of course mean places like Ireland's 32 and The Dog's Bollox which plaster their walls with pictures of IRA memorabilia.
Posted by PETE 3/16/05 7:27pm
Continue March posts
Comments:
From Pliska in Portland [149.175.207.167] - 3/31/05 5:42 PM
From Thrill [24.7.66.105] - 3/30/05 10:38 AM
From Pliska in Portland [149.175.204.121] - 3/29/05 4:18 PM
From Shark [209.233.181.227] - 3/29/05 2:11 PM
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 3/29/05 2:04 PM
From Hip E. [208.2.28.132] - 3/29/05 12:07 PM
From gafferland - 3/29/05 2:06 AM
From The Big Kat [24.7.57.14] - 3/28/05 11:19 PM
From Terri [64.81.50.140] - 3/28/05 4:51 PM
From Tom DeLay [67.169.81.55] - 3/28/05 3:42 AM
Hey Denny! Could you get me a Diet Coke? I'm thirstier than Terri Schiavo over here!
From gafferland - 3/28/05 1:46 AM
From Johnny D [209.148.105.241] - 3/27/05 8:22 PM
I see that humor at my expense is apparently the best kind.
Puma, you are worthless and you suck at life.
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 3/26/05 4:16 PM
From Johnny D [24.7.57.14] - 3/26/05 6:50 AM
"I feel totally the same way. Like, I was at the bar, waiting to order a drink, and this guy totally pushed his way by me and was like 'I'll take a Stoli and...', and he was kind of ugly and fat, but I just felt like saying 'Dude... I'm going to fuck the shit out of you.'"
From Old Chicks [67.169.81.55] - 3/26/05 3:41 AM
Johnny D.,
You like doing it... We like doing it...
Let's do it together!
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 3/25/05 4:44 PM
Maybe you should start thinking of your cell phone, digital camera, and wallet as Scientological absurdities.
From Hip E. [67.169.81.55] - 3/23/05 8:39 PM
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 3/23/05 7:16 PM
God DAMN it, Johnny D!
From Johnny D. [206.176.240.83] - 3/23/05 3:31 PM
From Hip E. [208.2.28.132] - 3/23/05 1:42 PM
Johnny D.,
How about "I am a tool."?
From Johnny D [206.176.240.83] - 3/23/05 11:21 AM
- Why do some comments have all gray backgrounds whereas on some of the comments, the text is highlighted.
- www.petrockproductions- My site is up and running in beta form. There is a lot of stuff that is still forthcoming but check it out. I am cool.
- As a shameless plug for myself, I will offer my graphic desing services to individuals nearly free of charge. Why, because I enjoy doing it and the world will be a nicer place as a result. If its for a for a for profit company, I will do it for a little bit more than nearly free of charge.
- Uhhh... There's not a rhyme here that goes with anything.
From Linda [63.170.97.131] - 3/22/05 12:18 PM
Ah! So THAT'S where I get my penchant for Everybody Loves Raymond...
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 3/22/05 12:13 PM
True. But even 'According to Jim' will never replace the pure hilarity that filled her life with such happiness: 'Moesha'.
From Pliska in Portland [63.24.88.74] - 3/21/05 9:22 PM
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 3/21/05 8:12 PM
From Linda [63.170.97.131] - 3/21/05 6:36 PM
From Linda [63.170.97.131] - 3/17/05 4:38 PM
Oh phsaw, there were no malicious attacks.
Linda is akin to Mica, Minga, etc.
From Pliska in Portland [149.175.206.202] - 3/17/05 3:08 PM
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 3/17/05 3:06 PM
Little known fact for you all: "Linda" in Norwegian is "Inga".
From Linda [63.170.97.131] - 3/17/05 3:03 PM
Seriously fellows. This is out of line: "I come to the Jo-tel because its better than reading about how many glasses of wine someone has and boring stories about the office."
We all know that horny sex-starved postings of girls you will never meet, detailed numerical braggings about ones party, and discussions of bowel functions are more entertaining, but give the girl a break.
From gafferland - 3/17/05 3:02 PM
It's called auto-archive and Outlook does it for me automatically. I have emails even more boring than that!
Also, look Linda, I'm not going to go out with you so you can stop flirting with me.
From Linda [63.170.97.131] - 3/17/05 2:57 PM
Also, lay off Magda!
Lay off her boobs (creepy bordering on pathetic that you're talking about them so much) and lay off her links (creepy bordering on pathetic that you still have that email? and also please note she used it once, and readily acknowledged it as such)
From Hip E. [208.2.28.132] - 3/17/05 2:57 PM
From Linda [63.170.97.131] - 3/17/05 2:54 PM
"Overheard in New York:
Woman #1: Oh God, I think I’m getting a horrible yeast infection.
Woman #2: Making bagels down there, huh?
Woman #1: Oh no, I’m not Jewish. I’m making Irish Soda Bread."
From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 3/17/05 2:04 PM
Yes. I was going to respond but I guess I'll just let Hip E. fight my battles for me. There is however, this:
On Wed, 1 Sep 2004 12:55:50 -0700, Magda [Last Name Redacted]<evilqueenmagda@gmail.com> wrote: And I know that you are jealous that I got one of my links (That Ashley Girl) to link to me, without my even asking. She took it upon herself to read my brilliant content and judged me worthy. I will be a blogging celebrity. My page views have also doubled since I put that Misty May/Keri Walsh pic up. Cheap trick.
[emoticon]
From Pliska in Portland [149.175.206.202] - 3/17/05 1:50 PM
From Hip E. [67.169.81.55] - 3/17/05 1:32 AM
From Mizzagda [66.53.215.142] - 3/16/05 11:55 PM
From Ehhhh Magdalena [66.53.215.142] - 3/16/05 11:52 PM
From The Big Kat [67.112.196.4] - 3/16/05 7:30 PM
From Pliska in Portland [63.24.84.81] - 3/16/05 6:12 PM
Yes, the elevator always comes faster the more you push the button.
From Hip E. [208.2.28.132] - 3/16/05 5:49 PM
From Shark [67.169.81.55] - 3/16/05 1:56 PM
I post on the weekends. Thus, it is on the strength of my posts alone that we manage 80 readers on those days. Impressive.
From Shark [67.169.81.55] - 3/16/05 12:45 PM
Allegations that I was responsible for the Sigma Chi toilet clogging are fallacious. Up until yesterday, Katon would blame Drew Ryan for this terrible phenomenon. Now, however, because he prefers that gays remain unwed in the Christian sense, he has decided to turn his ire towards me. Thus, RELIGION + PERSON = IRRATIONAL RESULTS.
From gafferland - 3/15/05 9:10 PM
Indeed, Puma. Indeed. The only thing I found strange about Shark's toilet post is that he has turned his ire to only a specific type of toilet flushing, and not flushing in all forms. Certainly evidence abounds of Shark's intense hatred of toilets, specifically their ability to flush, as he prefers to piss into various containers and receptacles unfortunate enough to be empty and in his room after 10pm. Then he will leave them there for extended periods of time, sometimes days, admiring his handiwork I can only assume. Shark, if he could, would hearken back to the days of chamber pots, bed pans, and other such non-flushing apparatus. Sometimes in the still o the night I can hear him quietly cursing the name of Sir John Harington, inventor of the flush lavatory... and weeping.
Recently however, things toilet related have begun to escalate in a very Sigma Chi like fashion. After our party a toilet was found brutalized, it's water supply turned off and it's bowl filled to the brim with toilet paper. Then the next day, a small piece of poo was discovered in the shower, which Hip E. had to remove. Also recently, I discovered a roll of paper towels perched precariously on the edge of our bathroom sink with a strong breeze blowing through the wide open window. Perhaps the perpetrator was trying to make it look like a suicide... Then this morning, an unidentified brown substance was discovered on our living room floor... and things show no signs of abating. I can only assume that Shark had become academically frustrated as of late, and has therefore relapsed into his toilet torture and scatological fascination of days past. I predict at least one full roll, cardboard core and all, will meet with a watery demise before month's end.
It's only a matter of time before the Sigma Chi TP Bandit returns to haunt the Jo-Tel...
From The Big Kat [67.112.196.4] - 3/15/05 8:36 PM
From 64.81.50.140 - 3/15/05 8:28 PM
Once Shark starts posting regularly, daily visits drop from an average of 110 per day to 80 per day. Conicidence? Obviously not.
And we never said we made it up. Read the intro again.
From The Big Kat [67.112.196.4] - 3/15/05 8:25 PM
There goes Shark again, trying to sabotage Pete's blog with salty, politically charged comments. Jucical activism is ridiculous and has no place in a free society and you know this as well as anyone else. What if, instead of being used to destroy the fabric of our society as in this case, it was used to "correct such blatant wrongs" as the repeal of slavery or the civil rights movement? You wouldn't be too happy then, would you? No, you wouldn't be because it is not the place of jurists to legislate, nor to be activists.
And Pete, you guys did not make up slamhog. The first time I heard that was from my friend Dylan's dad, a crusty old SF firefighter.
From Pliska in Portland [63.24.92.91] - 3/15/05 2:15 AM
From Thrill [24.7.66.105] - 3/14/05 10:10 AM
Drowning, I hope.
From Pliska in Portland [63.24.9.213] - 3/14/05 3:08 AM
From Johnny D [24.7.57.14] - 3/13/05 6:08 PM
From Johnny D [24.7.57.14] - 3/13/05 6:05 PM
From Hip E. [67.169.81.55] - 3/13/05 2:56 AM
From Pliska in Portland [63.24.75.168] - 3/12/05 10:53 PM
From Shark [63.198.166.162] - 3/11/05 12:32 PM
PETE, Professor Truth beat you to that post of Hip E's email. Ouch. Hip E: congratulations. This post is becoming a another, albeit more modest, "Hey Crackhead." Hip E: Congratulations again for "Hey Crackhead." What a phenomenal accomplishment. Really. Great!
From Pliska in Portland [63.24.89.241] - 3/11/05 11:55 AM
From Pliska in Portland [63.24.89.241] - 3/11/05 11:53 AM
From Thrill [24.7.66.105] - 3/11/05 10:08 AM
From The Big Kat [67.112.196.4] - 3/8/05 6:22 PM
From j dub [24.7.57.14] - 3/8/05 6:22 AM
From Hip E. [208.2.28.132] - 3/7/05 12:26 PM
From Hip E. [208.2.28.132] - 3/7/05 11:55 AM
God Dam It,
Thrill, I think what you meant to say was "I like feel Magda ... boobs."
From Thrill [24.7.66.105] - 3/7/05 10:15 AM
God damn it. I feel like Magda, only stone-sober and better at identifying boobs.
From Thrill [24.7.66.105] - 3/7/05 10:12 AM
Speaking of ND, here's a few soundboards (way to be too lazy for Google):
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/ndsound.php
http://conversationswithmyself.com/content/nd_board
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/napoleondynamite.html
From Pliska in Portland [63.24.0.7] - 3/7/05 2:11 AM
From Pliska in Portlad [63.24.82.16] - 3/6/05 2:23 PM
From inga [63.170.97.131] - 3/6/05 12:38 PM
From Pliska in Portland [63.24.7.137] - 3/6/05 1:01 AM
From Pliska in Portland [63.24.7.137] - 3/6/05 12:36 AM
Actually Magda, I was enjoying their playful banter.
Sincerely,
Nobody
From evilqueenmagda [66.53.218.73] - 3/6/05 12:13 AM
Something. I meant that's the most thought I gave something. In hindsight, it should have been "the most thought I have given anything." Damn you, Pinot Grigio!
From evilqueenmagda [66.53.218.73] - 3/6/05 12:10 AM
Inga and Hip.E! That is ENOUGH out of you two! Do I have turn this car around? Don't think I won't do it. That's it, we're going home. No, no. You need to learn that your actions have consequences.
Also: I got an 18/20 on the breast test. That's the most thought I gave sometimes (besides shoes) in weeks.
From Hip E. [208.2.28.132] - 3/4/05 6:26 PM
Thanks for the tip, honey, but you already gave me these little blue balls...
From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 3/4/05 5:45 PM
Hi-YOOOOOOOOO!
From inga [63.170.97.131] - 3/4/05 5:38 PM
"I'm not even 26 yet and I already have many of the characteristics of the old, lame man."
I know, baby, but it's okay. Really. Plus I think there are little blue pills for that now.
From Stan Wintergreen [209.233.181.215] - 3/4/05 1:42 PM
From Pliska in Portland [149.175.206.58] - 3/4/05 12:47 PM
From gafferland - 3/4/05 4:08 AM
Now how do you feel? Huh?
From Pliska in Portland [63.24.6.173] - 3/4/05 3:10 AM
From gafferland - 3/3/05 2:07 AM
From Thrill [24.7.66.105] - 3/3/05 12:35 AM
From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 3/2/05 6:00 PM
From Stan Wintergreen [209.233.180.185] - 3/2/05 3:22 PM
Comment on this Page
Last Modified 2/3/06 1:00 AM
I think my Hey Crackhead was the day the Olympic committee decided to let dudes who had sex change operations qualify for the Olympic games, and I sent in this email of the day winner. Dear Jim, finally, my ticket back to the Olympics. Signed, Bruce Jenner. If you don't know Bruce Jenner, look up a picture.