jo-tel - THE JO-TEL ... PETE was here.

It's in Beverly Hills. My roommates are one girl and three cats. It's no Jo-Tel but it'll do. More later.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-28 22:22:00

Before My Rage Has Abated...

Greeting from LA ye Jo-Tel faithful. This might be a long post so I'm just going to jump right into it:

I'm serious. It's shot right to the top of my "worst movies" ranking, rocketing past The 6th Day, Super Troopers, and How The West Was Fun. But I must be fair and say that the deck was severely stacked against it before I even walked into the theater.

1) I saw it on what was my last day in SF. The day up until that point had been nearly perfect. I sacrificed my last few hours of daylight for this travesty.

2) We went to see it on the Metreon I-MAX. If I pay $16 dollar to see a movie on the I-MAX it doesn't have to be a work of cinematic perfection, but it does have to have things exploding or limbs being severed pretty much throughout. V For Vendetta did NOT have that, despite what the previews would have you think. The only thing I can really compare the disappointment to is when I went to see Coyote Ugly. The previews lead one to believe that the movie is basically Girls Gone Wild with what one can only assume is a paper thin plot tying the scenes of scantily clad girls dancing on bars together when in actuallity the paper thin plot ties 5 minutes of girls dancing on bars to 95 minutes of syrupy chick flick garbage so offending to the senses, you wonder how Ben Affleck let the script fly under his horrible dialogue-dar. It also forces the viewer to come face to face with the harsh reality of just how low Jon Goodman will sink to get money for pie and buttermilk. Anyhow, if you want to see every second of good I-MAX-worthy action contained in V For Vendetta, go to the movie's Web site and watch the extended preview. Or better yet, just pay to see some other movie and then sneak in to V for the last 20 minutes, but be sure to plug your ears when anyone's mouth is moving or you'll be sorry. More on that later.

3) It was made by the Wachowski Brother's. HEY! They made The Matrix!!!! The Matrix was good right? Yes well, I let myself be fooled by that. I did love The Matrix and the previews for V For Vendetta did look awesome. What I didn't really think about and probably should have is that the guys who made The Matrix also made The Matrix 3. Basically since The Matrix every movie they've made has been progressively worse. The worst part about this is that I should have known... I've been fooled before and recently. 16 Blocks? When I first saw the preview during the Superbowl. OOH! I thought. A Richard Donner film! He produced Lethal Weapon!

Yes well he also produced Free Willy 3: The Rescue.

As much as I'd like to think I won't be fooled again in this manner, I most likely will.

4) Shark told me so. While we were still at the Jo-Tel discussing what showtime we wanted to attend, Shark started reading quotes from bad reviews off Rotten Tomatoes (where the movie is currently enjoying a 76% fresh rating so obviously I'm in the minority. Full disclosure here) in an effort to convince us not to waste our money. I was convinced that everyone would love it and Shark would really regret not coming but it only took me about 20 minutes of watching to be convinced that Shark had been right. Unfortunately, there was still like 2 hours left. God Damnit, Shark.

5) Republicans were all pissed off about it because it was sympathetic to a terrorist. If Republicans are pissed off about something, chances are it's awesome. (Piss Christ?)

Okay... so aside from not having much action, what was so bad about it? The dialogue. Simple. It was so bad that I couldn't even pay attention to anything else. And see? This is why I wish I'd written this post closer to actually seeing the movie because then I could've remembered more lines, but lets just try this one on for size. This was towards the end, where basically every quote made me want to throw Johnny D's soda at the screen.

Understand that by this point you've already had to endure so, so many horrible lines that it really takes something truly God awful to even get a rise out of you but just in case you aren't getting it yet, hint: He was not her father, mother, or brother. He was not Finch. He was not Eve. He was not more than one person and he sure as HELL wasn't the protagonist of my favorite book. What he WAS was a dude in a movie with non stop, piss-poor, ersatz poeticism that would have gotten most writers fired from the greeting card department at Hallmark and yet somehow, 76% of reviews didn't notice.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-28 22:11:27

Dear Person Who Broke Into My Car on Sunday and Stole My CDs, I Hope You Enjoy the Lightning Bolt and Disc 2 of John Neville's reading of Swann's Way by Marcel Proust (But Be Careful, the Latter Is Abridged!)

I hope you enjoy what I felt was a wonderful collection of music and other artistic media. In case you're having trouble figuring it out, the rainbow-colored CD that you'll notice in my CD case is an album called Hypermagic Mountain by the experimental metal outfit Lightning Bolt. You've also conveniently acquired the jewel case for that CD, which features stunning album art. Enjoy! Please also find a factory CD of Tom Waits's seminal album Rain Dogs. Listening to this poetic yet tuneful album always brings to mind visions of a melancholy city drunk, scraping by on the glimmering hopes of crumpled one dollar bills, rainy St. Patrick's Day parades, and the sparkling of the sun through the morning dew. Take advantage of the liner notes inside the jewel case. They contain the album's stellar lyrics. Finally, I hope you'll take some time to enjoy the treasures contained in the second disc of John Neville's reading of Marcel Proust's remarkable Swann's Way, the first volume in his epic A la recherché du temps perdu (In Search of Lost Time). However, be warned, the oration is based on a abridged text that omits, among other things, Marcel's discursive reflection on the hawthorns of Combray along the Mesengleise Way (French stress marks omitted). For these sumptuous moments you will need to consult Proust's original text, which unfortunately I neglected to include in my car (I recommend the C.K. Scott Moncrief translation, ably revised by Terrance Kilmartin and D.J. Enright!). These are just a sampling of the CDs that you were fortunate enough have received from me. All in all, it is my fervent wish that each of these pieces of art brightens your day and inspires you to reach great new heights of introspection and creativity!

Posted by Shark 2006-03-24 13:33:58

Scientology Update!!!

What is up my brothas! It's been a while but Scientology Hippie is back this week for a little rundown of the recent events that have been shaping the world of body thetans and Jenna Elfman fans. And I've got to tell you, folks - I'm excited!!

First, we found out last week that Isaac Hayes had quit South Park, saying in a press release that "There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins."

"Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored," he continued. "As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices."

Matt Stone and Trey Parker responded, pointing out that Hayes "has no problem - and he's cashed plenty of checks - with our show making fun of Christians."

Simultaneously, Scientology stepped in another flaming pooheap of its own lighting when, by the efforts of methy gerbilman Tom Cruise himself, they strongarmed Comedy Central into pulling the Scientology episode of South Park from its scheduled re-airing last week. As loyal jo-tel readers know, Tom Cruise is actually crazy. He has attained one of the highest levels of Scientology, one where he believes he can control people's thoughts and actions, 'exteriorize' from his body and fly around in space. So Tom Cruise probably can't imagine that his ploy to squash South Park's criticism of him and his religion could possibly fail.

But it is failing. Trey and Matt, with their peerless understanding of pop culture, came back blazing:

"So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!

As of last night, we know what they were talking about. Wednesday's season-opening episode of South Park took Chef and his handlers to the woodshed once again, and now even reputable news sources like the Washington Post are taking notice.

"We're guessing the episode may still not be enough raw meat for the piranha-esque "South Park" fans, who took to the Internet yesterday urging people to write, phone or e-mail Viacom, or sign their Chef Gate petition, letting the corporation know they and their loved ones will not see 'Mission: Impossible III' (due in theaters on May 5) until Comedy Central runs the more direct Scientology-skewering episode 'Trapped in the Closet.'"

These Scientologists are so dumb! In 2002 they tried to sue Google into not listing any web pages that were critical of them. The internet/geek community found out about this and plastered it all over the web, in the process alerting far more people to Scientology's corruption than were ever going to read those critics' websites on their own. By the way, Google won that battle. If it wasn't for that misstep, the South Park people might never have found out how crazy Scientology is in the first place.

But they gone and done it again. Now they are really in a bind, because South Park and its creators are already extremely popular, and everyone already knows that they are not religious bigots. Scientology can't possibly win this battle, but they are just dumb enough to keep fighting it. Oh, it is so sweet.

But wait, kids, it's not over yet! This Foxnews guy claims that Isaac Hayes didn't actually quit Scientology on his own, but that his Scientology handlers quit for him while he is incapacitated from a stroke! And there's an update here! I'm telling you, people, Scientology is one of the craziest things going right now! Look into it!

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-23 09:47:49

Dear Half of a Medium Pepperoni and Jalepeno Pizza,

Burning for you, Hip E. 2006-03-22 07:09:30

The Beeping Noises at the Gas Station Are Totally Out of Control

The beeping noises at the gas station are totally out of control. It's okay in the beginning. In the beginning I can understand. You put your card in and remove it quickly. Beep. You type in your zip code on the hard, ungiving surface of the touch pad. Beep beep beep beep beep. Enter. Beep. Okay, at least things are still logical at this point. After you hit enter, though, civilization retreats down the river and you find yourself, after passing French colonies and cannibals, in midst of Colonel Kurtz (the gaunt one, a la Conrad) and he is on his night journey, but instead of speaking about the barbarism of man and "The Horror! The Horror!" he is simply beeping at you: beep beeeeeeep beep bep beeep beeeeep beep beep beep --- you pull the gas handle, you select your gas: everything done precisely, yes. This does not affect the beeping, however, which proceeds loudly, sporadically, indefatigably until you escape to the food mart to pee or buy a snowball. I love snowballs.

Posted by Shark 2006-03-21 21:06:24

The Party

Real quick: The Party went great. Thanks everybody for showing up. We all had a good time. Thank you Becky, Annie, Tony and Gretchen for the presents. I drank them all. The only downside to the entire PETE moving away weekend was that my digital camera is nowhere to be found. It was being passed around for picture-taking during the party. It was extant as late as 11:30 when someone took pictures of me on my couch. Does anybody remember where it went? Thanks.

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-21 16:20:41

Patsy's Emails

With PETE moving to L.A. and starting a new job, and Shark sleeping under his desk at his office and generally working 12-23 hour days, it looks like it falls to me to keep this thing going for the near term. Here is the long-awaited Patsy's Emails post. Background: Patsy has never emailed me before. In her day-to-day life, she talks like a normal 22-year-old girl. In this first email she is responding to my monthly bill collection email to the roomies:

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-21 16:10:27

Ghostface Pillar

Fragment of a google chat with Bain in Portland. Voodoo is the late-night doughnut shop where Bain takes Swahili lessons:

Bain: that is, the contest to see who can fit the most doughnuts on their erection. he is playing dantes that night. his manager faxed in his intent to participate

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-20 13:08:16

Too bad I'm not an Asian woman.

Okay, I know what you're thinking. This is just going to be another one of PETE's tired rants about how he wishes he were an Asian woman but if you are thinking that you're only half right. I'm in LA right now and am currently looking on craigslist for housing. I noticed that down here there are a lot of housing ads offering free housing to women (and men according the the PUMA) in exchange for sex. Most of the time this is not explicitly mentioned, but you don't have to be as smart as Shark to figure out what they're getting at.

While the idea of a live in prostitute does have a certain appeal, it obviously takes a special type of man to post an ad like this:

Here is inexpensive rent for the right woman. There are a lot of amenities that come with this apartment. Free rent, free food, free utilities, free basic sundries, free phone service, free cable TV, and parking. I am a decent, sincere, honest, hardworking, and financially secure man hoping to find a mutually beneficial relationship with a female roommate. We will share a one-bedroom apartment that I own together. You must supply a photo, personal information, and basic background check. Drugs and disease free, no smoking, and a private quiet life style are the requirements. I do like to have fun! Theme parks and tourist stuff in S.Calif, dinners, movies, theater, biking, hiking, camping, skating, swimming, long drives to points of interest, sitting at a desk and reading and studying interesting stuff, long walks at a rapid pace, eating ice cream and popcorn and drinking wine and beer, and of course - quiet companionship in an intimate place. I play endless FreeCell and I am good at it. I love animals and I have a 14 pound pet rabbit. I would prefer to have a Hispanic female roommate so she can make me fluent in Spanish, or an Asian female roommate just because I love Asian females. Actually I am looking for a sweet, sincere, honest, fun, and temperate roommate of any race or background. This will be interesting for both of us.

I've used this line before - after I posted the AFI fan mail but it applies here too: what you're experiencing right now is called pathos.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-20 00:05:14

Hmm...

I walked into Hip E.'s room on Saturday morning to ask him to cut an onion up for me (I'm bad at cutting them into sizes other than diced) and was excited to see him posting something on the Jo-Tel. I figured he was most likely posting something about our party while it was fresh in his mind.

Not that I don't like the bathtub post. It's fine work actually. I get out of the tub the exact same way, which is surprising. I always assumed I was the only one that sat in the bathtub until the water was all gone (sometimes I'll get out when the water level drops below my knee caps, just to keep it fresh). It's one of those things that you do in private so you never really discuss with others the way you do them. It's like the first time I found out that some people actually remain seated while wiping their ass...

The point of this post is that Shark is really bad at cutting an onion. The pieces were not of uniform size.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-19 23:45:17

Bathtub

How do you guys get out of the bathtub? I just got out of the bathtub and I realized that maybe there is more than one technique. Here's how I do it: At some point during the bath I come to understand that all things must pass ["that's exactly what Shark thinks when he's in the bathtub" - Linda], and the fact that the air in the room and the tub itself are at a lower temperature than the water means that as soon as it comes out of the tap it starts transferring its energy in the form of heat to the cooler material, tending towards Total Thermal Equilibrium, which is luke warm at best. I realize that the water is ain't getting any hotter and I'm going to have to get out. But I'm so relaxed, I can't just jump out of the frying pan and into the freezer. So I do it in stages. I reach with my foot and flip the drain plug lever. Then I lay back and chill as the water level slowly ebbs and think about the non-smooth rate of change and why it sort of pulses and skips down instead of just lowering smoothly like in calculus class. The best part is the last gargle of water as it goes down the drain and is followed down by air that it sucks into the pipe after it. Then I get out.

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-18 11:37:26

Happy Jo-Tel Party Day!

It's party day at the Jo-Tel and things are buzzing. It's my last couple days in SF before I go down to LA to try and not piss off Arianna Huffington too bad, and things are all scheduled for the weekend. Today, basketball and cleaning. Tonight party. Tomorrow more cleaning, cooking group breakfast, more basketball, IMAX V For Vendetta. Tomorrow night, Emily's birthday, then Gun Club. For anyone who hasn't seen it, here's the invitation.

It's March. Spring has sprung.

The days are getting longer, the urine stench has been (temporarily) washed off the streets by the winter storms, and your allergies are probably killing you.

Sounds like a good time for another Jo-Tel party!

We have so, so many reasons to celebrate in March... It's Hip E's birthday (19th), Shark's birthday (31st), Reid got a new job, and PETE's moving to LA (finally!). On top of all that, we gotta do the 2nd Annual St. Ides of March party.

Hmm... let me think. What day... what day in March could POSSIBLY accommodate all that partying, all that drinking...

Hmm... I just can't think of anyth--

Except ST. PATRICK'S DAY! I'd bet Friday the 17th is up to the challenge!

Let's break it down:

10-10:25 Shark is 26!
10:25-10:50 Happy 27th Hip E.!
10:50-11:15 Congratulations Reid!
11:15-11:20 We'll miss you, PETE!
11:20-11:58 Grab those 40s and pour some out for Caesar!
11:58-11:59 The "Will is special too" minute.
11:59-? WHOOOOOO!!!! ST. PAT'S!!! YEAH!!!!!! (Oh man I'm so drunk)

So come celebrate all there is to celebrate. Wardrobe changes and gifts are welcome.

--

Yeah. I'm using up all my "I'm moving so if you don't come I'll hate you forever" capital so hopefully all you guys who show up and have a drink with me... or you're dead you me you bastards.

In other party news, I would like to personally commend B-Ford on not coming through with his promise to clean the kitchen floor after he made Han crab for Valentine's day. Good stuff B-Ford. Once he saw the party on the horizon, he knew that if he could just brush off PETE's nagging for a few more days, PETE would be forced to clean the entire downstairs. Touche, B-Ford. Well played. And with that, I'm off the Walgreens to buy paper towels, garbage bags, and a clock that we can mark up to keep track of who's party it is.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-17 11:53:55

I'm only doing this because I have to...

After I made fun of Thrill for dropping circa 80 bones on a laundry service, I would be remiss in not mentioning that last night Reid spent almost $200 on a bra and panties.

(I was going to make this post longer but I think it's pretty funny if I just leave it at that.)

Posted by PETE 2006-03-17 11:02:29

A (selection of) Conversation

From two nights ago, while Hip E., Patsy, Jay, Kevin (Jay's boy making his Jo-Tel debut), and me were watching some anti-Jesus documentary that Hip E. got off Netflix. It was pretty good, except for the parts of The Passion is showed. That movie is fucking disgusting. What were the jews thinking?

Hip E.: Whoa! Check out that demon's penis! It's way bigger than the regular guy's.

Hip E. [in reference to Sam Harris, author of The End Of Faith]: There he is! That's my boy right there.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-17 10:29:32

Google

I just had occasion to google "famous monks" and "famous friar." I think it would be cool if when you die at your funeral a government official would come out and read a list of all the terms you ever googled in your life.

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-16 08:37:34

A Conversation

SHARK (to Patsy, watching Hocus Pocus): So, do you think that Hocus Pocus is better than Citizen Kane?
PATSY: Yes.

Posted by Shark 2006-03-14 21:14:06 (still at the office)

My Space Assistance

How do I get "Ass and Titties" by DJ Assault to play when people view my profile?

Posted by PETE 2006-03-14 14:58:27

Benise!

In the continuing annals of "Dudes who sort of look like Johnny D", I give you Roni Benise (pronounce Ben-E-say), flamenco guitarist and performer extraordinaire.

We randomly caught parts of his stage show "Nights Of Fire" on PBS.

I haven't been this surprised by a guy actually being good at guitar since I heard Prince play the blues. But this guy is really, REALLY good at guitar. And rather than just perform his songs, he instead decided to I guess get like 40 flamenco dancers, an orchestra, and a violin player who looks like Ben Franklin and throw them all together in a ridiculously over the top stage extravaganza!

Just watch the preview on his Web site and tell me you don't want to go.

Unfortunately he's playing in LA on the same day as Jimmy Buffett. This dude's show is good, but nothing on earth is more fun than an outdoor Jimmy Buffett concert.

I guess I'll just have to wait for the Benise/Beyonce tour (joke courtesy of Hip E.)

Posted by PETE 2006-03-14 12:41:24

PETE Is Only Two Short Weeks Away from Finally Knowing If He Has a Job! YES!!!

Okay... so after 3 phone interviews, 3 visits to the office, and countless hours of remote comment moderating, it's finally official. I have a job with the Huffington Post...

Except it's not exactly the job I applied for...

And it's only for two weeks...

And it still needs to be approved by Arianna and Arianna's business manager...

But aside from that, I'm all but almost officially kind of hired!!! This is how it's supposed to work. I work full time in the office for two weeks, at the end of which we have a meeting where we mutually decide that I'm awesome, and I get hired on permanently.

I'm pretty confident that I'll be able to secure a job, because I'm a hard worker and I'm very well suited for the position. I know about politics, I know about Hollywood, I know how to blog (at least every other month), and I know how to understand people with thick accents.

I'll also be in charge of making the coffee evidently. I think my former coworkers will agree that once they taste my masterfully proportional blend of grounds and hot water, I'll be a virtual lock.

Oh... and evidently I'll need a car so my plans of biking/skateboarding to and from work will have to be put on hold. Did I mention I start Monday? Yeah... so I'll be staying with The PUMA and Gary until I find a place and I guess, renting a car until I can throw down on my Prius.

There's also lots of stuff I need to do this week, considering it could be my last week of being unemployed. Since I quit the Opera, I have predictably failed to accomplish many of my goals for unemployment, including working out more frequently, reading the collected works of Shakespeare, learning to kick-flip, and writing my one-man show about public restrooms. So I'm going to do all that tomorrow.

Then on Thursday and Friday, I'll be fulfilling yet another life-long dream: being able to watch every single NCAA Tournament game without having to ditch any classes or hours of work. They start at 10am, and I will be at a sports bar at 9:30 drinking Bloody Marys until it becomes socially acceptable to drink beer.

Oh man... That is going to be sweet.

One other thing I need to do this week... join My Space. I've been putting it off as long as possible but now that I'm moving to LA it's Very Necessary, as I'm sure Salt N' Peppa would agree. I plan on having more friends that Tila Tequila by May 1st.

That 4'11" bitch better watch out now!

Update: There's always this if the Huffington Post doesn't work out. Via Reid via Craigslist.

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Posted by PETE2006-03-14 10:58:25

Hi Rosie.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-14 10:32:29

Bain's Thoughts on Leather

Bain: Mom got me this leather jacket that was supposed to be 400 dollars but was on sale for 100, problem is, it has elastic at the bottom, and I would never wear a leather jacket anyway. Do you want it? It's Nautica

Me: Mom told me about that. She is very excited about it. You should probably just keep it and wear it to parent's house when you go there.

Bain: I broke the news last night that I dont wear it often.

Me: I've been told by Patsy that I'm not allowed to wear my leather jacket because it's lame. It will be cool again in maybe 4-6 years.

Bain: Yeah perhaps. I just dont think clothes should have a sheen or make creaking sounds

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-10 11:42:44

More Sexy Engineering Stuff

Item 3:
Valve, Rockwell, Figure 4249 1/2, A.S.A. 300 lbs., Butt Welding ends, Watertight Worm Gear Housing & Extension With Square Operating Nut, Dimension Centerline to Operating Nut = 30"
-Bill of Material to accompany dwgs. 484174 & S.P.-4-50

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-08 15:51:47

**Update** This post is neither sexy nor funny. Please start with PETE's post below. -Hip

Beware the Diet Dr. Pepper

The reasons that I love Diet Dr. Pepper are many - foremost among them being the fact that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes so good, it makes regular Dr. Pepper obsolete. I also love it because food items I like have a propensity to get taken off the market: Sunkist Sparkling Lemonade, Hagen Daas ice cream sandwiches, Vitner's Spicy Salt N' Sour chips, I could go on... So it's just nice to know that Diet Dr. Pepper has an infinitessimal chance of disappearing. The worst they could do is release a NEW AND IMPROVED!!!! formula which doesn't taste good.

Evidently however, Diet Dr. Pepper has more caffeine in one can that Coke has in a 2 litre bottle because two times in the past week I have drank a can of it after 10 and been unable to sleep for hours. And when I say hours I mean lots of hours. Last night I went to bed around midnight. After tossing and turning for THREE hours (this from a person who is generally asleep within seconds) I got up and dug through my back pack for the sleeping pills I have that I use on the plane. I took two. I was up for ANOTHER 2 hours before I finally fell asleep.

I should also mention that, up until last night, I had thought I was basically impervious to caffeine. I have routinely been able to drink double espressos or their equivalent well past 10 and still fall asleep instantly. But Diet Dr. Pepper is a whole other animal. I can't even imagine the amount of caffeine present, but it must truly be staggering.

So please, when enjoying the refreshing taste of Diet Dr. Pepper, do so during daylight hours. Thank you.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-08 12:17:58

Turd Ferguson making laws in New Jersey

I posted this in Turd's comments section, but this ridiculous news story couldn't come at a better time for those versed in TF's ongoing battle with Anonymous. You never think you're a Republican until it's too late.

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-08 09:16:29

American Bar Association Recommendations for Kitchen Hygiene

The American Bar Association recommends that after cooking a starchy or slimy meal, you should rinse the pan with warm water and scrape the biggest chunks of gunk off with your fingers. Whatever you do, don't get that grody sponge anywhere near your pot! "Washing" and "scrubbing with soap" are relics of a bygone era - a time before science -ERRR- lawyers had discovered that lukewarm water and gentle shiatsu caresses are the ultimate weapons in the dish washer's arsenal.

Stay tuned for next month's ABA encyclical on the evils of toilet paper use when there is a perfectly good shower nearby.

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-07 22:54:37

Long Post About Twelve Hours of My Trip to LA

I was in LA again last weekend. It was fun. I made the zero hour decision to go when I found out that Tello and Jonah would be there for a Rival Fish meeting. Rival Fish being the sports marketing company they started after college. I also found out my friend Fuller, he of the greatest stock joke of all time¹, was driving up from San Diego for the impromptu Oak Park reunion.

Stickler already had Friday night planned out for us. We were going to start out at the Rustic, and move on from there to The Brass Monkey, a karaoke bar, where we would perform Mr. Big's "To Be With You", amongst others, to the delight of all. We were also planning on using Tello's Polar Bear line.²

We started drinking around 2pm at a Brazilian restaurant near Stickler's house in Los Feliz. From there we moved back to his place, where we went to work on two 30-packs. Things started to get hazy around 4. All I remember was that it was very cold, so I put on every layer I had. Basically, when we left for the Rustic around 5:30, I looked like I was going skiing. The Rustic is basically Stickler's local bar. He knew all the waitresses, and introduced us. It took us all of 10 minutes to alienate every single one of them. What can I say but we were out of rhythm. I remember at one point, Fuller and I were convincing one of the waitresses that I had performed "Since U Been Gone" at a karaoke competition and won. She was eating it up, until I started talking about how hard it was to practice because getting caught rocking out to Kelly Clarkson is in some ways worse than being caught masturbating...

Jonah, Fuller, Tello, Eddie Lee, PETE, Stickler

Jonah, Fuller, Tello, Eddie Lee, PETE, Stickler

To my credit, before the words even left my mouth I was fully aware of what a terrible idea it was to say that... but being drunk my screening process was not operating properly. We also managed to piss off the bartender, I'm not sure how. She had enormous fake breasts and I remember thinking to myself right when I walked in "Okay PETE, you're drunk and you're going to have to make a conscious effort to look her in the eye when you order your drinks." I think I did an excellent job of policing myself but by my second drink, she was looking at me like I had reached out and dropped a martini olive in her cleavage... and that was totally not me. It was Jonah.

After a quick two hour stop at Stickler's to change and drink more, we piled into some cabs and left for Koreatown to sing karaoke. We got there around 9. I was immediately made aware of the fact that the Brass Monkey may have the best karaoke book of any bar I've ever been to. Tello decided that he and I should sing "Heat Of The Moment." I'd never sang that song before but the place was still really empty so I figured if I embarassed myself, not that many people would see it. Wrong. Evidently, the wait for a song was already an hour so by the time our names were called, it was 10:30 and packed. To make things worse, the minute our friends became aware that Tello and I were singing, they ran up and grabbed the other microphones. So yeah... we were "those guys", 5-6 people stumbling through a song that none of us know except for the chorus. We followed that up with a equally horrendous rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody, after which I began walking from table to table, promising everyone that we only had one more song in queue, and that it was actually good.

I don't really remember singing "To Be With You" but it must've been pretty good because afterwards all the pictures Stickler took of us have girls in them. Evidently, we managed to run up a $500 tab drinking nothing but beer, which all got put on our friend Eddie's credit card. We had to leave the bar because he was loudly threatening to break people's kneecaps. Jonah and I tried to calm him down in the cab home, but I'm pretty sure he's still yelling. I would be too.

When we got back to Los Feliz, Jonah and I tried to go back to the Rustic because, I guess, we weren't done drinking? However, the same group of waitresses were there and the ice grills we received from them were all the hint we needed that we weren't welcome. Just as well.

I could write about Saturday night too, about how I hate the bar Q's, and about how Raph and I defrosted Katon's literally frozen credit cards and used them to order pizza, or how Tello tried for about 10 minutes to convince us that there was such a thing as "permanent ice", Laws of Thermodynamics be damned, but I don't suspect that anyone is still reading at this point.

1) Fuller's stock joke consists of waiting for someone to say "I'm full" after a meal, to which he responds "I'm Fuller." I laugh every time.

2)Tello's Polar Bear line. "Excuse me ladies, I was wondering if you could help me out with something... do any of you know how much a polar bear weighs? [beat] Enough to break the ice. Hi, I'm Tello." It's crazy how well this works.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-07 15:44:22

I Wear My Gay Hour at Night

Last Thursday night, Raph and I vetured to the Pier 39 of gay bars, Stud Bar, for a concert. Okay... so I've never been to Stud Bar before but I've heard things... things like Stud Bar is like, so gay that most of my gay friends refuse to go there. I guess it's where the gay 18-year-olds from Hayward and Walnut Creek go to hook up once they get a fake ID, and no self-respecting city-dwelling gay man over the age of 23 would ever be caught dead there. I had also heard that it was filthy. So maybe it's more like the gay Bar None.

Anyhow, I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous going there. It's no secret that gay men love me. Turns out however, for whatever reason, probably the concert, that Stud Bar, at least last Thursday, was not even remotely gay from what I could tell. The only evidence that it was generally a gay bar were the Trannyshack flyers. Probably the gayest thing about it was that a Maker's Manhattan cost $7 and was served in what appeared to be a Robitussen bottle cap.

The band we were there to see was The Tricks, an all-female punk band that Raph had been trying to drag me to see for at least 6 months, not because they're particularly good, but because he's friends with the hot drummer. The show was okay, nothing special. I nodded my head, sipped my beverage, and tried not to make faces when the rhythm section got off-tempo.

One thing did stand out however. I'd say in total there were probably 50 people in the bar, 40 of which were paying attention to the band. Right in the front row was a drunk idiot who, between songs, would continually yell "Play some Skinnard!!". The fact that he was not given a high-heel to the face by the lead singer lead me to the conclusion that perhaps these chicks were no Bikini Kill. Needless to say, yelling "Play some Skinnard!!" at any show, including a Lynnard Skinnard show, is about as cool as smoking crack while pregnant. And yet no one except Raph and I seemed to notice. The people around him were actually laughing WITH him, including the hot bassist, who would giggle and coyly utter the occasional "Shut up, Gabe."

After the show, I discover that the Skinnard guy was actually the boyfriend of the hot bassist. So lets review: hot chick in a "punk band" with lots of tattoos dates dude who yells out "Play some Skinnard!!" at her shows.

The moral: even at Stud Bar PETE is reminded of how little he understands women.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-07 14:34:54

Thoughts while Reminiscing on Schwarzenegger Prank Calls

"I'm going to ask you a couple of questions, and I want to have them answered Immediately."

I was going over some of the top quotes with my coworker - "Stop whining!" - when I remembered that whenever Shark does an impression of any foreigner, no matter where they are from, it sounds exactly like his impression of Ahnold. Even his introverted High School chemistry teacher who was Vietnamese. "I'm a cop, you idiot!!" Or as Linda would say, "VietNAMese."

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-06 10:54:19

The Academy of Motion Pictures Is Not Ready To Start All Accepting the Gays and Shit, or: The Academy Hates Gays

It's a terrible thing to say, but what else can explain why the middling, fight-stereotype-with-stereotrype Crash beat the transcendent Brokeback Mountain? Ang Lee has now received a total of zero BP props for The Ice Storm, Crouching Tiger, and Brokeback. <Insert expected "his ass must hurt," Brokeback Mountain joke here.> Seriously, though. Not as bad as when Gladiator won. But shockingly close.

Posted by Shark 2006-03-05 21:28:53

In Defense of M*A*S*H #3: Hawkeye and Trapper as Nietzschean (Uber)Heroes

I often find myself reverting towards a very important ontological theory of mine, namely, that the only important progress is medical progress. But I have to check myself (always so eager to pull the unifying thread!). Legal progress is also important. The laws are getting better. It’s true. When Hip E complains about the inequities inherent in environmental law, one must remember that pre-1970 environmental law did not exist. And that’s the treeth! And then you remember things like: as I’m tying this post I’m listening to an Akron/Family song that I would never have heard if it wasn’t for: (1) technological progress (the internet); (2) artistic progress (music); (3) municipal progress (i.e., if there was no public sanitation then the street outside my window would smell so bad that the last thing on my mind would be to sit down and listen the freak-folky drones of some upstart gaggle of NYC indie kids who think they invented a new goddamn religion (AK-AK)). So, really, several types of progress are important. But sometimes I still feel that if we could all just live long and be healthy that everything else would work itself out.

So, every so often, I think: shit, if we ever go to war (I know it's hard but just try to imagine) – something that temporarily but seriously curtails the health of its participants – it better be in the name of some serious medical progress. Maybe this is the heart of M*A*S*H. We never see the battle front. We never see even a single explosion. We only see the human wreckage, flown by helicopter back to the M*A*S*H unit. Each injured or dying soldier lies on the operating table as an account debit against any future account creditors that may be gained from the war as a whole. And after every war a hush falls over every country and the hush inaudibly carries these words on the cool evening wind into every clean suburban household: “we can’t question the cause for which our children died because this would belittle their deaths.” It’s cold in her – hold on while I put on my jacket.

looks like a small piece of polish sausage...

M*A*S*H came out during the height (read: nadir) of the Vietnam war (1970). As a result, it’s comedic delights seem to do dances around a jaded nugget of hatred and despair concerning the war that is never given direct attention. Instead, Altman shows us the comedic romps undertaken by the conscripted medics to distract from the fact that, behind the front lines and out of sight of national attention, they are left to deal with the moaning and blooded debit column of a war fought in the name of abstract political credits. As such, Altman intentionally deploys some of his best gags during scenes of gruesome operation. As he notes in a later interview, “you have to earn your laughs.” This is exactly the point. The laughs are so jubilant in M*A*S*H because the soldiers and medics have so ridiculously earned their jokes. What would normally seem like hurtful treatment of the likes of Hot Lips and Major Burns seem funny and, in perspective, all in good fun. After all, who can concern oneself with tolerance for religious zealots when one’s energies could be better spent saving lives and drinking beer?

These jocular surgeons are, more than archetypes of black comedy, also models of societal leaders, at least according to Nietzsche. Just ask him. He’s sitting over there in the menu bar. He’ll tell you that the real overmen are the ones who can remain hard (philosophical sense people) and be joyful and levitous (not a word but should be) at the same time. In the end, is there a better person that someone who makes you laugh and then saves your life? Okay wait. I don’t want this to sound like some shitty Robin Williams comedy. I’m not saying that laughter can cure people. I’m saying if someone can cure you and then make you laugh, that’s better than someone who cures you, but then just gives you a bill. Because if the doctors in M*A*S*H made a huge vagina entrance to their army tent (aka “the swamp”) then that would be dumber than Hip E’s position that M*A*S*H (and James Taylor) suck because they are “depressing.” Allright, that’s it, time for me to have another beer.

Posted by Shark 2006-03-05 17:45:17

A Small Gem of Asshole (or, in the Alternative, Senile) Driving

Gems. You must love them. According to allmovie.com critic Tom Parsons, one of my favorite movies, The Conversation, is "Coppola's gem". Neat. Gems are small, perfect endeavors that usually are not too rigorous or taxing. Antoymn: David Lean's Doctor Zhivago. In this same vein, I would consider a recent driving experience I had in Bay Area-hinterland-suburb Concord to be a gem of asshole driving. Or maybe senile driving - not sure. So I'm driving toward the intersection in the right lane of a three lane street. My blinker is on because I'm turning right. In fact, the right lane is a right turn only lane. Some boaty Cadillac to my left dangerously cuts me off so that he can get into the right-hand turn lane, then the light turns red. Even though there is plenty of space for the Caddy to turn right on the red, it does not - chosing instead to wait at the long light. Then when the light turns green, he violates the right hand turn lane and cuts off the personal in the middle lane so that he can go straight. I - two minutes later - turn right. Well done, asshole driver, well done.

Posted by Shark 2006-03-04 12:08:31

I Love TV

It's true. While Shark may berate Hip E. and me constantly for the amount of time we spend in front of the television, I must respectfully disagree with him that television has little to no merit as an intellectual activity. Also, as a personal note, I must say that, as an aspiring comic writer, television watching is absolutely imperative. You have to watch television to know what other people know, to know what they like and dislike. Shark can yell and scream all he wants but the fact is that you can't win over a comedy audience with jokes about indie rock and La Recherche Du Temps Perdu.

Make a joke about last week's episode of American Idol however, and you'll probably make people laugh. Even notice how prevalent jokes about commercials are in stand-up? There's a reason for that. Actually two reasons. 1) People watch lots of TV so they know what the comics are referring to when they lampoon a particular commercial. 2) Tons of commercials suck ass, and deserve to be made fun of.

Which brings me to my point. Commercials, much like LL Cool J, tend to go through periods of abject terribleness followed by periods of incredible awesomosity. Right now we are clearly in a period of awesomosity. It's like, the Superbowl commercials were uniformly bad, and what we're seeing now is the market's response. You've got the sick Jordan commercial, the Nike commercial with Rock N' Roll Ain't Noise Pollution, the Adidas commercial with that Karen O song, the Sony superballs, and so on. I can't really even think of a shitty commercial deserving of my disdain right now... nevermind. McDonald's. I overreached.

Anyways, check out these amazing new Volkswagen Un-Pimp My Ride ads. There are three. Watch them here , here , and here .

Posted by PETE 2006-03-02 17:56:17

The World Record for Push-ups without stopping.

This is probably the most insane world record I've ever seen. Hip E., you have a long way to go.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-01 13:17:06

Silent Hill 4

Reid and I rented this game on Sunday I'm a huge fan of the Resident Evil games - probably the only franchise that didn't start on 8-Bit NES that I care about - and I'd heard that the Silent Hill games were very similar in their cinematic creepiness, so I was pretty excited about playing it.

We haven't really had time to get into it, so the jury's still out on how good the game is. What IS good is the description on the back of the box, which I will now reproduce in it's entirety, copyrights be damned. How could you NOT rent a game with a description like this?

Henry Townsend has become trapped in his apartment, and his only hope of escape is a mysterious hole in the bathroom wall. As you might suppose, a mysterious vortex to an alternate dimension isn't likely to be a fun journey, but the reality is more disturbing than anything Henry could have imagined...

Apprehension and fear are a constant undercurrent in this game [sic]. Horrible encounters with psychologically twisted creatures will challenge your skills, while ripping at your mind. The environment changes with time, bringing an eerie level of reality and helping to blur the already-fuzzy [sic] line between reality and imagination. The worlds are beautifully detailed, with a haunting soundtrack that establishes and maintains the series' trademark horror. This game is not for the faint of heart, the claustrophobic, or the squeamish.

Some of the nightmares you'll face include a variety of ghosts that issue out of walls, gangs of vicious dog creatures, slugs, muses, and a two baby-headed [sic] creature that walks around on its hands. And those are just the ones that can be described with words. Henry has the occasional help of Eileen, the girl from the apartment next to his, when she is unwittingly yanked into the lunatic reality as well. If you think you're ready, open up your mind to the terrors of The Room.

Second of all, you wake up in your apartment. You've been locked in for 5 days and haven't tried to escape, when the aforementioned hole finally appears next to the toilet (you find this out when you start playing). There are a few big chains in front of the door (see picture), but it is made of wood. The windows are sealed shut, however they are made of glass. The first weapon you find is a metal pipe. Yet instead of busting the windows out, or breaking down the wooden door, you choose to climb into the bathroom hole. Once inside the hole you get attacked by zombie dogs. And yet instead of going back and getting the fuck out, you decide to continue deeper into the hole...

Posted by PETE 2006-03-01 12:46:19

More than just Lohan

Yesterday, I spend the afternoon acting like a real celebrity blogger, trolling Page Six, the Daily Dish, CNN, and other gossip blogs for juicy tidbits of information about how celebrities managed to fuck up, and then wrote about it. The reason being an application to write for anticlown media, which publishes I Watch Stuff and The Superficial, amongst others. The Jo-Tel loves The Superficial, so I decided I'd give it a shot. I had to submit three sample posts. I ended up writing four, and picked the best three. The fourth was about Lohan going back to Fez's hotel room, obviously in a vindictive move to get back at me for dumping her in favor of Kelli Garner - but that was just too personal and I'm trying to ignore Lohan until I can fully heal emotionally. So here are my sample celebrity blogging posts.

So George Michael got arrested for pot I guess. It must be a slow day in celebrity gossip because lets review: guy who hasn't done anything cool in years gets arrested for getting caught doing something absolutely everybody does. OMG! Somebody call Vanity Fair!

Can we have like a new rule about reporting celebrity arrests? It's not news unless said celebrity hasn't already done something worse in the past. George Michael has already been arrested for giving a guy a blow job in a public mensroom, so when I see the headline "George Michael found passed out in car" or "George Michael arrested" I assume I'll find something better that a small amount of weed... like maybe a dead hooker or a suitcase full of meth... or Clay Aiken.

It's a simple matter of expectations.

It's like if I saw a headline saying "OJ Simpson Arrested!!" and then I find out that he was just giving some guy a blow job in a public mensroom, I'm going to be disappointed. If he didn't stab the shit out of the guy for banging his wife afterwards, then I don't care.

Bruce Willis barely survives again...

Today Petra Nemcova denied the rumor that she and Bruce Willis are involved romantically, thus causing me to return the shotgun that I purchased yesterday in order to kill Bruce Willis.

Yes, I know it's really hard to kill Bruce Willis. I've seen all three Die Hards, and Striking Distance, and I know that a lone shotgun probably wouldn't be that effective. But when I went into Wal-Mart I asked the guy at the gun counter: "So, how's business?" and he said "Real busy... lots of guys coming in here buying shotguns to kill Bruce Willis." So I told him that's what I was there for too. He wished me good luck, and sold me the last shotgun he had in stock. And that was just one Wal-Mart... and I don't even live anywhere near Bruce Willis so I can imagine the LA area gun dealers are probably running low on inventory too. So I was feeling pretty good about our chances.

But then Petra came out today and set everyone straight... she's single and Bruce Willis is just some loser who donated a bunch of money to her tsunami charity, not out of concern for the tsunami victims, but because he wanted to meet Petra Nemcova, and then lie about dating her.

Come to think of it, guys like Bruce Willis probably account for 99% of the money Petra has raised... and maybe one of them is better looking and less sleazy than Bruce Willis.

Hmm... Maybe I should've kept that shotgun.

Finally a reason to watch the Oscars.

I don't know how this fact evaded me before now, but evidently "Hard Out Here For A Pimp" from Hustle & Flow got an Oscar nod, and therefore will be performed live at the Oscars? Despite assurances from the artists that the song will be cleaned up, I'm still looking forward to these lyrics:

Wait I got a snow bunny, and a black girl too
You pay the right price and they'll both do you
That's the way the game goes, gotta keep it strictly pimpin
Gotta have my hustle tight, makin change off these women, yeah

None of this "Can you feel the love tonight" garbage. A song about making money by getting women to get naked and have sex, now THAT's something these Hollywood types can relate to. How can it not win?

Still, if I were performing it, I'd hop down into the audience and slap the shit out of Rachel McAdams just to make my point.

I would also take out my penis and swing it around... not to get my point across, but just because I like to do that.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-0111:35:42

Comments:

"Sparks," by Christopher Batement, courtesty of McSweeneys:

One Saturday morning, body aching from a night of intoxication, I stepped out of my bedroom to find my roommate and two friends in my apartment. They were consuming Sparks, in a general state of excitement. It was obvious the stuff had worked upon them, giving their eyes an alarming, focused glaze. One of my friends made berserk gestures as he exhorted me to join them. I put back two tallboys. At first, I felt a little giddy, like I was riding a small swing, or a pony. Thirty minutes later, I thought my head was in a microwave. I heard noises of young rattlesnakes. My eyes were abuzz and I was sure my vision was somehow crackling. These symptoms subsided after I induced vomiting and lay hyperventilating for 20 minutes.

In short, I can neither recommend nor warn against Sparks until I have tested it more rigorously.

Maybe not your lifetime. I plan on living forever.

I have some information for all of you smart asses of the jotel!

On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after
1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03  04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again in our lifetime!

Great idea Hip E.

Regards,

The "Jump" To Conclusions Mat

PETE left in March 2006 - the month and year full of the best Jo-Tel comments, no?

Sweet, Sweet PETE,

SF just lost a lot a sweet, but L.A. now has a lot more.

Why do our joyless readers never comment?

congrats on your new apartment, PETE! Cats rule! Is it in the 90210?

Hip E. I had the most amazing thing happen to me today. I met John Kimmell. the guy who wrote both of the scientology episodes for south park. We bashed scientology for awhile, he told me about going to Tom Cruises house and all the weirdness that happened to him. It was awsome I thought you might appreciate it!

I was away from it for a while there for some reason, but now I'm back into reading the Jo-Tel internet blog in a big way. I liked Shark on beeps.

Entertainmen Weekly's Helpful Timeline of "Chef Gate" from March 17:

http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2006/03/chefgate_a_time.html

Is it the end of the month already?

Dear Hip E.'s Toilet,

I hear that!

Dear Half of a Medium Pepperoni and Jalepeno Pizza,

I ate you.

Hip E. that e-mail was pretty funny. I am still not sure if if I believe Patsy or Shark wrote it. They don't have the wit that you have. I am suddennly wondering if you wrote it from her account just to say Patsy e-mailed!

baby carrots and RANCH.

Yesterday morning Hip E and I were listening to NPR while driving across the bay bridge. The announcer began reading the day's school lunch menu.

Announcer: "...beef soft tacos with baby carrots and milk..."

Hip E (earnestly and enthusiastically): "YUM!!!!!"

Guys will you please stop making fun of my post for a roommate. I haven't met a woman yet that doesn't like my Free Cell ability!!

Everybody loves "long walks at a rapid pace." Whatever that means.

I'm personally more amused by the 14 lb. pet rabbit.

"I do like to have fun! ... of course - quiet companionship in an intimate place. I play endless FreeCell and I am good at it."

Look out, ladies! This one's gonna go quickly!

I think Blood Meridian's comment is one of the funniest comments in history. Ladies, if you don't think so, maybe you should read it a few more times. You're getting very sleepy.

And by "ladies" I mean "Linda."

I'm not a people person.

I'll gladly carry both kegs to the house by myself if someone else will tell the girls. I'll also take out all the garbage.

I'LL call Mel. <finger on nose>

Or YOU could email them. I'm not in charge of everything.

We are so fucked. The girls downstairs don't know? PETE, here's what I suggest:

We tell them that you applied for this job in L.A., etc. blah blah blah. Then you say how they suddenly told you that you have the job but you have to start on Monday! But this is like on Monday the 13th, so we didn't plan the party till Wednesday, and in all the confusion we forgot to tell them!!!

We have to play up the confusion angle big time, and make it like a fun, goofy confusion that you wouldn't think of getting upset about. Then we hit them with the bouquet of flowers and the obligatory useless invitation to said party, and hopefully they will merely be angry and not call the landlord.

To everyone in San Fran,

Have fun at the party, I'll be drunk in the gutter in LA. I guess nothing changes even on St. Patty's Day!

I'm wearing them now!

Reid also has dirty underwear. It cost him $200.

Ha! Thrill has dirty underwear!

PETE, I only spent $59 on laundry, not 80.

Blood Meridian: bravo.

I think it was a haiku.

Was that iambic pentameter Gabe?

I saw a special screening of V for Vendetta last night in Sacramento.
I must say, it is one of the best movies I've seen in a long, long
time. The Wachowski Brothers' screenplay is phenomenal on all
accounts. I recommend seeing this picture very soon.

Thrill, that was more like Franfurt time. But I apologize. I was so wasted on Pinot.

Have sex with Hip E in his bedroom.

Erin Linda, are you in Australia right now? It's only 4 in the afternoon; St Patrick's Day isn't for another 8 hours.

It's already ripping at my mind.

And let me be the first to say: ERIN GO BRAUGH!

I can't wait to move my eyebrows a lot while I read it.

"Suppose two men at cards with nothing to wager save their lives. Who has not heard such a tale? A turn of the card. The whole universe for such a player has labored clanking to this moment which will tell if he is to die at that man's hand or that man at his. What more certain validation of a man's worth could there be? This enhancement of the game to its ultimate state admits no argument concerning the notion of fate. The selection of one man over another is a preference absolute and irrevocable and it is a dull man indeed who could reckon so profound a decision without agency or significance either one. In such games as have for their stake the annihilation of the defeated the decisions are quite clear. This man holding this particular arrangement of cards in his hand is thereby removed from existence. This is the nature of war, whose stake is at once the game and the authority and the justification. Seen so, war is the truest form of divination. It is the testing of one's will and the will of another within that larger will which because it binds them is therefore forced to select. War is the ultimate game because war is at last a forcing of the unity of existence. War is god."

-Hip E.

THE JO-TEL ... PETE was here.

Posted by Triceratops with a Saddle 2006-03-30 20:35:58

I Found a Place in LA.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-28 22:22:00

Before My Rage Has Abated...

Posted by PETE 2006-03-28 22:11:27

Dear Person Who Broke Into My Car on Sunday and Stole My CDs, I Hope You Enjoy the Lightning Bolt and Disc 2 of John Neville's reading of Swann's Way by Marcel Proust (But Be Careful, the Latter Is Abridged!)

Posted by Shark 2006-03-24 13:33:58

Scientology Update!!!

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-23 09:47:49

Dear Half of a Medium Pepperoni and Jalepeno Pizza,

Burning for you, Hip E. 2006-03-22 07:09:30

The Beeping Noises at the Gas Station Are Totally Out of Control

Posted by Shark 2006-03-21 21:06:24

The Party

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-21 16:20:41

Patsy's Emails

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-21 16:10:27

Ghostface Pillar

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-20 13:08:16

Too bad I'm not an Asian woman.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-20 00:05:14

Hmm...

Posted by PETE 2006-03-19 23:45:17

Bathtub

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-18 11:37:26

Happy Jo-Tel Party Day!

Posted by PETE 2006-03-17 11:53:55

I'm only doing this because I have to...

Posted by PETE 2006-03-17 11:02:29

A (selection of) Conversation

Posted by PETE 2006-03-17 10:29:32

Google

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-16 08:37:34

A Conversation

Posted by Shark 2006-03-14 21:14:06 (still at the office)

My Space Assistance

Posted by PETE 2006-03-14 14:58:27

Benise!

Posted by PETE 2006-03-14 12:41:24

PETE Is Only Two Short Weeks Away from Finally Knowing If He Has a Job! YES!!!

Posted by PETE2006-03-14 10:58:25

Hi Rosie.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-14 10:32:29

Bain's Thoughts on Leather

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-10 11:42:44

More Sexy Engineering Stuff

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-08 15:51:47

Beware the Diet Dr. Pepper

Posted by PETE 2006-03-08 12:17:58

Turd Ferguson making laws in New Jersey

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-08 09:16:29

American Bar Association Recommendations for Kitchen Hygiene

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-07 22:54:37

Long Post About Twelve Hours of My Trip to LA

Posted by PETE 2006-03-07 15:44:22

I Wear My Gay Hour at Night

Posted by PETE 2006-03-07 14:34:54

Thoughts while Reminiscing on Schwarzenegger Prank Calls

Posted by Hip E. 2006-03-06 10:54:19

The Academy of Motion Pictures Is Not Ready To Start All Accepting the Gays and Shit, or: The Academy Hates Gays

Posted by Shark 2006-03-05 21:28:53

In Defense of M*A*S*H #3: Hawkeye and Trapper as Nietzschean (Uber)Heroes

Posted by Shark 2006-03-05 17:45:17

A Small Gem of Asshole (or, in the Alternative, Senile) Driving

Posted by Shark 2006-03-04 12:08:31

I Love TV

Posted by PETE 2006-03-02 17:56:17

The World Record for Push-ups without stopping.

Posted by PETE 2006-03-01 13:17:06

Silent Hill 4

Posted by PETE 2006-03-01 12:46:19

More than just Lohan

Posted by PETE 2006-03-0111:35:42

Comments:

In Defense of MAS*H #3: Hawkeye and Trapper as Nietzschean (Uber)Heroes