"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of  petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."

                                          - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint

 

---

 
                                Some Time This Century

---

Home
RSS Feed

---

Email:  thejotel@gmail.com
Become a friend: profile.myspace.com/thejotel  

---

THE JO-TEL IS:

Shark 

Hip E.

PETE

The Quail

Johnny D  

We get naked in bars way more than
you and you know what that means ...
We read Proust.

---

FEATURES*:

Jo-Tunes
The Review Review
Slang Dictionary
InDQs
Gay Hour
Touch The Monolith!
Hey Crackhead

* features are shit-hot

---

CURRENTLY READING:

Hip E.
 - Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759-67)
 - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)

Shark
 - Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
 - Kevin Star, A History of California:
1840 - 1875. 
 - Paul Celan, Breathturn

PETE
 - Cormac McCarthy, Suttree

Johnny D.
 - Jean Luc d'Emo, Reel

The Quail
- Dave Eggers, What Is the What
- James Joyce, Ulysses
- Don Gifford, Ulysses Annotated 

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

Hip E.
 - Neko Case, Blacklisted (2002)
 - Hip E., Pando Mix Rev. 0  (2007)
 - Rock Plaza Central, Are We Not Horses? (2006)

Shark
 - Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Blank
Generation  (1977)
 - The Kinks, The Village Green Preservation
Society (1968)
 - Silver Apples, Contact (1969)

PETE
 - Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)

Johnny D
 - Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it (1980)
- The Blow, Paper Television (2006)
- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3 (1999)

The Quail
- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)

---

ARCHIVES:

September 04-1
September 04-2
October 04
November 04
December 04-1
December 04-2
January 05
February 05
March 05-1
March 05-2
April 05-1
April 05-2
May 05-1
May 05-2
June 05
July 05-1
July 05-2
August 05
September 05
October 05
November 05
December 05
January 06
February 06
March 06
April 06
May 06
June 06
July 06 
August 06
September 06
October 06
November 06
December 06-1
December 06-2
January 07

---

MEET THE JOUSE GUESTS*:

John
Patsy
Linda
Jay
The Puma
Liz
Gabe
Merz
Tello
Jaskot
Tara
Cutler
Bock (kind of)
Pliska
Mini-Shark
The Goose (Carrie)
Bain
Fritz
Yahoo Serious
Laura-Lee
Fabulous L-Breeze
Saki
Kristin
Booby
Joe
Jonelle
Becca
Rebecca P.
Snake (slithering this way and that)
Matranga
Raphael (Little Mex)
Neva
Annie
Kathleen
Molly (honorary)
P.J.
Paul S.
Emily
Brew-Dogg
Reid
Reid's Girl
Downs
Some Chick who passed out
 on Shark's couch
Ross
Cameron
Mary (slut)
Miklos
Romie
Simon
Kubow
Becky B.
Walloch
John the Hippie
Stickler
Anna
Andrea
Ben
Lucy (dog)
Wilson
Lauren
JohnPatsyLady A.
Lauren's B/f
Jenny B.
Paul James (infant)
Beck E.
Lisa Says
Ben
Nick Martin
Caitlin
Melissa
Sosia
Riley
Nicole
Reid's friend (chiefed heavily)
Virginia

* A Jouse-guest is someone who has
   spent the night at the Jo-tel. 

---

PAST PARTIES:

InDQ
Anti-Halloween
Anti-Anti Halloween
X-Mas in Mid-Nov
Beware the St. Ides of March

---

 SF WEATHER PIXIE*:

* Weather Pixie does not work

---

SHIT-HOT LINKS*:

Blogs

The PUMA
Rehab Star
The Sticklers
NoBrowMedia
Johnny D.
Becky B
Kyle
Cupcake Club
Evil Prom Queen
Johnwalsh
Load
Alex Blagg
The Phat Phree
Defamer
ThatsJustNotRight
The Fug Girls
Maddox
The Sports Guy
The SFist
Martin Van Buren
SuperModelPersonals
Thighs Wide Shut
Gawker
Gridskipper
The Superficial

Music

Pitchfork
Q
All Music
Coke Machine Glow
Stylus
Metacritic
Launch (for videos)
musicREVU (badass)

Scrabble

Play Free Online
Scrabble Blast
Word Lists
Mike Wolfberg

Hey Crackhead

Hey Crackhead

Pics

* Links updated never

---

 

I'm on the trail of a chocolate soda for
my wife.
                           - Charlton Heston (1924 - )

 

White Sox

Tello on the White Sox:

The top article in the "headlines" section of espn.com is about the white sox, namely John Garland. I have never seen that in my decade reading ESPN.COM, and I never thought I would. Aroused, I therefore undoubtedly am.

Tello

This is not John Garland, it's Mark Beuhrle... who is way more funny looking.

Yeah... I know. [Unfunny joke redacted by author]?

Posted by PETE 5/13/05 5:57pm

Good Friday

Happy Good Friday! I'm wearing a comfortable t-shirt, the sun is shining, I'm reading a great book, the fact that it's Friday the 13th gives it sort of an exciting edge, I'm looking forward to the weekend, I forgot my wallet at home this morning, but that's OK, an old guy at work bought us all breakfast croissanwichs (sp), I found someone who is willing to occassionally read these fascinating Scientology things I've found, I got paid yesterday, I'm wearing a very good pair of socks, my motorcycle is working properly again, I can do ten pullups in a row, I went to Hooters last night, I ate half a bag of salad last night by hand resulting in no dirty plates or utensils, I got up early and went for a run this morning, and the NBA playoffs are FAN-tastic. Good Friday. I saw a guy wearing a t-shirt that said "Cheeses of Nazareth" last night. Nice. I found out that Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) is a Mor-Mon. Bummer. This comes hard on the heels of my realization last week that he is not black. For some reason I've thought Harry Reid was a black guy for like a year and a half. Isn't that weird? As it turns out I couldn't have been more wrong. But I'm still definitely in the hunt to win the NBA playoffs pool at work. SAN in 6, PHX in 5, MIA in 5, DET in 7. This is what I've been going through for the last few days. It's pretty astounding. Here's what you need to know first. Fascinating. I'm also reading this book I stole from Shark, The Blind Watchmaker: Why the Evidence of Evolution Reveals a Universe Without Design, that is incredibly good. For instance, in discussing what it must be like to be a bat who navigates through echolocation:

I can imagine some other world in which a conference of learned, and totally blind, bat-like creatures is flabbergasted to be told of animals called humans that are actually capable of using the newly discovered inaudible rays called 'light', still the subject of top-secret military development, for finding their way about. These otherwise humble humans are almost totally deaf (well, they can hear after a fashion and even utter a few ponderously slow, deep drawling growls, but they only use these sounds for rudimentary purposes like communicating with each other; they don't seem capable of using them to detect even the most massive objects). They have, instead, highly specialized organs called 'eyes' for exploiting 'light' rays. The sun is the main source of light rays, and humans, remarkably, manage to exploit the complex echoes that bounce off objects when light rays from the sun hit them. They have an ingenious device called a 'lens', whose shape appears to be mathematically calculated so that it bends these silent rays in such a way that there is an exact one-to-one mapping between objects in the world and an 'image' on a sheet of cells called the 'retina'. These retinal cells are capable, in some mysterious way, of rendering the light 'audible' (one might say), and they relay their information to the brain. Our mathematicians have shown that it is theoretically possible, by doing the right highly complex calculations, to navigate safely through the world using these light rays, just as effectively as one can in the ordinary way using ultrasound - in some respects even more effectively! But who would have thought that a humble human could do these calculations?

Indeed.

Posted by Hip E. Friday-the-13th, 2005 9:59am

(This Is) The Dream of Summer and Seth

My opinion of George Lucas, so ambivalent right now, my opinion of George Lucas. So George is scheduled to appear on The O.C. tonight. He meets with cardboard-cutout indie hipster Seth Cohen to discuss Seth's "graphic novel". (I have no idea what this "graphic novel" storyline is about - my IQ is above 75, so I don't watch the show. However, I'm sure the show's writers (correctly) decided that the viewership would be totally bored and confused if Seth was working on a novel with no pictures in it.) George Lucas, I'd like you to meet Modest Mouse. Modest Mouse, George Lucas.

I wish I could take over for an eposide. I'd have Seth hear that Ben Gibbard from Death Cab for Cutie wanted to see him about something and then Seth would be like "Oh sweet, Ben Gibbard, Death Cab is like my favorite band, isn't that great Summer? .... Oh sorry, I'll wait till you're finished purging ..." And then Ben Gibbard would come and kick Seth in the shins for including him on the hype-skimming "Seth Cohen Starter Kit". Finally, John Darnielle would show up and kick Seth in the balls while he's hobbling for not knowing who he was. Gibbard: "He ain't pretty no more." End of episode.

Posted by Shark 5/12/05 10:38

Thank You George Lucas

Thanks George Lucas for once again improving the outdated orginal Star Wars movies. People were really getting sick of the how old those movies looked and how nonconforming they were to your new ideas for the trilogy. We were especially pissed about how the actor that played Anakin Skywalker in Return of the Jedi did not look at all like Hayden Christensen! But now you've fixed that. Apparently the apparition of Anakin Skywalker (along with Yoda and Obi-Wan) that Luke sees is now fittingly played by Hayden Christensen instead of the original actor, who portrayed the old Anakin. That's great! I mean, even though Alec Guiness as old Obi-Wan has not been replaced by Ewan McGregor, that's fine because we just want as much Hayden as we can get. Thanks for obliging. Your retrospective vision is marvelous and doesn't interfere at all with our fond childhood memories of the movies as they originally were. I'm really glad those stinky original versions won't be available anymore!

Posted by Shark 5/10/05 12:58

More Ultimate Battles ... Too Stupid To Let Be

Of course, Hip chose to mock perhaps the best analogy of the entire NBA Ultimate Battles series because that analogy happened to revolved around Portland's "first" and, indeed, only NBA championship. Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Lakers (who have won 10 NBA championships) were featured twice in the series. This analogy between Attack of the Clones and the Lakers' 2000-2002 three-peat is appauling:

In 2002, the Los Angeles Lakers and Jedi Master Yoda proved their dominance with the release of Attack of the Clones and the Lakers' third[-]straight NBA Championship.

While Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal joined together to make another run at the title, Yoda took matters into his own hands.

Okay, that second one is not even an analogy! The first is just wrong. Yoda didn't show his "dominace" per se in Attack of Clones' prequel-saving final scene. I think the implication was that he had taken a necessary step to momentary stave off of an impending surge of evil. It took all his strength and he was barely able to accomplish it. Stupid!

On a less NBA-related note, Revenge of the Sith will be rated PG-13. This is first Star Wars movie to not receive a PG rating. Apparently there's like decapitated babies and stuff. Apart from the generally bad nature of decapitated babies, it's a good sign that Lucas is letting his storytelling drive the bus here, instead of buckling under the big budget pressures. Now if he could just make a movie that isn't totally gnar-gnar...

Posted by Shark 5/9/05 7:35

RE: Your concerns, Johnny D

Sure editme isn't the most attractive blog template out there. Sure it fucks up all the time and I have to go in and fuck with the code so all the writing doesn't get really big. But Hip E. certainly isn't helping thing by uglying it up with pictures of Bill Walton. Ugh.

Posted by PETE 5/9/05 6:58pm

Sorry.

I have been inactive this month but I have a good excuse: sports! More specifically the Bulls return to the playoffs, which ended in tragic and mystifying (that is a weird looking word if I just spelled it correctly) fashion last Friday evening. After winning the first two games, they lost the next four straight, looking like the Bulls that went 0-9 to start the season, i.e. chumps. I'm going to write the following sentences for me, because I need to get it out of my system. If you don't care about sports or if you do care about sports but don't think my opinions on that subject hold much water, please skip.

Anyhow, so it's game 6 in Washington, Bulls come back from 12 down to tie it with under a minute left. It's tied at 91, Bulls have the ball at halfcourt... and they bounce the inbounds pass off of Duhon's back into the waiting arms of Jared Jeffries who then procedes to make it 93-91 with a duck. Does anybody try to foul him on his brisk stroll to the other end of the court? No. They just let him make the bucket like it was the All-Star Game. Then they miss, and I mean MISS a 3 on their next possession, Jamison gets the rebound, they remember to foul Jamison. Jamison misses one free throw so now they're down by three with 17 ticks left. Nocioni takes the shot: ANOTHER huge brick but oh my GOD! Chandler comes down with the offensive board. 5 seconds left! Plenty of time to kick it out for another 3-pointer! OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE FUCK! HOLY GOD SHIT ASS FUCK WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING? WHY DID HE JUST TAKE A 2-POINT SHOT? WE'RE DOWN BY THREE! A 2 WILL DO NO ONE ANY GOOD!! WHY? WHY TYSON? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?ARE YOU A FOUR-YEAR VETERAN OR AN 8 YEAR-OLD? YOU COULDN'T HAVE MADE A WORSE DECISION IF YOU HAD BOWED TO GILBERT ARENAS AND HANDED HIM THE BALL!! AHHHHHHHH!!

Wizards win by three, at home, confetti everywhere. Fuck.

So yeah, I was pretty pissed about that and now that I've had a weekend to recover, maybe I can start being funny again. As has been so adroitly parodied on SNL by Bill Swersky's Super Fans, Chicago sports fans have a hilariously singualr mind set when it comes to their teams being in season, and especially being in the playoffs. For the past week plus my thought process has basically been this:

Bulls... Bulls... Bulls... White Sox... Bulls... Cleavage... Bulls... Bulls... Polish Sausage

Now that the Bulls are done though, I can try to focus on other things like booze and more cleavage. Anyhow, 206 visits on Friday, our best ever. Maybe I should just shut up again.

WHITE SOX BEST TEAM IN BASEBALL BABY!

Posted by PETE 5/9/05 6:47pm

Ultimate Battle

In 1977, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Bill Walton fufilled their destinies with the release of Star Wars: A New Hope and the Portland Trail Blazers' first NBA championship.

In the ultimate battle, Obi-Wan Kenobi confronted Darth Vader and Bill Walton led his team to the Finals against the 76ers.

I am the master of complicated and arguably bad analogies (arguably, but not actually), but you have to be suspicious of a metaphor that equates Emperor Palpatine with World B. Free.

Posted by Hip E. 5/9/05 3:35pm

This Is Real

I stumbled upon this comedic gem in a recent case out of the 7th Circuit. U.S. v. Murphy, 2005 U.S. App. LEXIS 7695 (2005). Don't skip over the footnote like you normally do.

On the evening of May 29, 2003, Hayden was smoking crack with three other folks at a trailer park home on Chain of Rocks Road in Granite City, Illinois. Murphy, Sr., who had sold drugs to Hayden several years earlier, showed up later that night. He was friendly at first, but he soon called Hayden a "snitch bitch hoe" [FN1] and hit her in the head with the back of his hand.

FN1: The trial transcript quotes Ms. Hayden as saying Murphy called her a snitch bitch "hoe." A "hoe," of course, is a tool used for weeding and gardening. We think the court reporter, unfamiliar with rap music (perhaps thankfully so), misunderstood Hayden's response. We have taken the liberty of changing "hoe" to "ho," a staple of rap music vernacular as, for example, when Ludacris raps "You doin' ho activities with ho tendencies."

Chain of Rocks Road. Sounds nice.

Posted by Shark 5/7/05 11:48

Crackhead Strikes Back

If there were such a thing as God I would be blaming It for what would then be the fact that because I have been mentioning "Hey Crackhead" for no reason very often over the last two months It would have used that as an excuse to pull some karma bullshit on me and have mystically caused a Crackhead last night to saw off one of my sparkplugs. In reality though, it's not God's fault. I was already running late this morning when I found that my bike wouldn't start, and these days the first place I look is to the spark plugs, where I found that one was missing. I took pictures which will be posted tonight. I took the bus to work and got here almost an hour and a half late. Luckily we don't have any work to do other than getting new jobs, so nobody cares if we're late.

Posted by Hip E. 5/5/5 11:33am

Statistics

Man, I'm TERRIBLE at coming up with titles for these posts lately.

Sportscasters are always saying things like "The Blazers shot 44% from the floor in the third quarter." Well, maybe "... 33%...." Occasionally they might even say "... just 33% ..." to indicate whether they think that is good or bad. What I need to know is, what was the overall field goal percentage for every player in the NBA last season. Every single shot taken during an NBA game. How does it compare to the overall FG% for the NCAA? WNBA? Europe? If somebody can find that out, I'd appreciate it. Also, if you are fouled taking a shot and make it, obviously that is counted as a made shot in your FG%. But if you are fouled and miss, does that count as a miss?

Posted by Hip E. 5/5/5 11:26am

The Top 20 Songs of All Time

It's by far the most difficult list in the world to compile. Indeed, many consider it an impossible list to compile. Any desire to reach a comprehensive product requires hours upon hours of quiet, uninterrupted reflection. Any attempt to achieve even a modicum of precision demands the sustained application of a laser-like scrutiny. I'm speaking, of course, about the mythical Top 20 Songs of All Time list. Having been through it, I can assure you that the experience is at once harrowing and beautiful. The results, listed below with metaphysical accuracy, should end all debate on this once controversial topic:

20. The Who - See Me Feel Me
19. Santana - Samba Pa Ti
18. Taj Mahal - Honey Bee
17. NOFX - Please Play This Song on the Radio
16. Dvorac - From the New World
15. The Ink Spots - If Didn't Care
14. Pavement - Zurich Is Stained
13. Rolling Stones - Beast of Burden
12. Dntel - (This Is) The Dream of Evan and Chan
11. Simon & Garfunkel - Sounds of Silence
10. Sublime - Raleigh Soliloquy II > STP
9. U2 - Running To Stand Still
8. Radiohead - How To Disappear Completely
7. Metallica - Orion (instrumental)
6. Pink Floyd - Shine On You Crazy Diamond, Pts 1-9
5. Led Zeppelin - The Rain Song
4. Neutral Milk Hotel - King of Carrot Flowers, Pts 1-3
3. The Beatles - I'm Only Sleeping
2. Bob Dylan - My Back Pages
1. Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata

Posted by Shark 5/4/05 3:26

Beginning of Month Bathroom Post

I just spent the last half hour in the bathroom at work, with my shirt off (I procrastinated on going to the bathroom, which caused me to have to strain myself in order to keep everything under control until I got in there, which caused it to be sweaty in there, and I hate going back to work with a sweaty shirt), reading Logic & Philosophy: A Modern Introduction. I stopped because I didn't have a pen to do the practice problems with and my feet had fallen asleep.

If you find this amusing or interesting, YOU COULD BE MY NEW EMPLOYER!!! That's right, [my current employer] in all its infinite wisdom and elephantine magnanimity has decided to close the San Francisco office of the WTP project, which is the project that I work on. The government only wants us to spend 626 million dollars per year, and we were already way over that for 2005 with all the procurement activities that were underway, so they had to lay off about a third of the non-manual staff. They used this as an opportunity to get rid of three thirds of the San Francisco office. But it's cool. This job is not that great and I'm not learning anything except a little logic here and there, and it's hella boring. Unless you would like to console me, in which case I like expensive tequila and most consumer electronics devices. So basically, you should hire me because I'm wicked smaht, but at the same time, I've got a sense of humor. Like if you come to me and you're all "I needed that calculation package yesterday! Now we're totally screwed!" and then we'll laugh and laugh... No but seriously please hire me. If you promise to hire me, I'll get off my ass and write a resume (which will not include my college GPA). If you like being forwarded fascinating news, commentary and humor from the internet, then I'm your guy. Or, if you run a truly employee-friendly workplace, like one of those places where they have a ping-pong table in the lunch room, then maybe it will be enough for you to know that I am enriching the working lives of OTHER people, even if you don't personally appreciate the internet sites that I send out. I also provide great light-hearted banter around the water cooler, and I am the go-to guy when it comes to getting up at the Office Holiday Luncheon and saying how much we young guys appreciate the opportunity we have here to work with such smart and experienced engineers, and how we can only hope to be as good as them someday. I will also dress really snappy for the first few months. I own like 15 ties. I will bring my hot girlfriend to the company picnic and encourage her to play volleyball. Umm... I am also good at engineering shit. Especially anything that has to do with stopping a pipe from moving around in an earthquake. I'm your man. I wrote Hey Crackhead for Christ's sake.

Posted by Hip E. 5/3/05 2:57pm

And the Jo-tel Award for Distinction in the Creation of Puns Goes To...

The dude at Pitchfork who wrote the review of the upcoming Bonarroo festival. It's at the end. Wait for it, WAIT for it:

Widespread Panic. Dave Matthews Band. White people with dreadlocks. Marijuana smog. I know I'm not back in college because I don't have a mouthful of Milwaukee's Best, so what the fuck is this? Oh, I see: It's Bonnaroo 2005, the Birkenstockist's wet dream. I really could go on forever making fun of this, but Bonnaroo has easily become the musicians' American festival, in that, you know, boring kind of way. There will be more noodling at this thing than in all of Asia in the past 50 years, so be prepared.

You'll have to figure out a way to avoid hearing Trey Anastasio's Late Night show and something called Ratdog with Bob Weir from the Grateful Dead, but most of the time you get stuff like Herbie Hancock's Headhunters, Modest Mouse, Mars Volta, Jurassic 5, My Morning Jacket, Earl Scruggs, De La Soul, Iron & Wine, Ray LaMontagne, Secret Machines, Toots & the Maytals, Saul Williams, Mouse On Mars, RjD2, M. Ward, and a whole shitload of roots, blues, and folk artists that may not reference Damo Suzuki but sure do play a mean geetar. For more details, check the Bonnaroo website. It takes forever to load, probably because of all the hits it takes.

Paydirt! It wouldn't hurt you to check out the review of the Intonation Festival either.

Posted by Shark 5/3/05 10:43am