"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."
- Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint
Some Time This Century
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Hip E.
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PETE
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Hip E.
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Generation (1977)
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Society (1968)
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PETE
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Just Love it (1980)
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2, & 3 (1999)
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Large Peni
For those of you who were fortunate enough to see me naked at B2B, you probably know that this isn't an issue for me, but an entertaining read nonetheless courtesy of Pharyngula, the Jo-Tel's favorite crusader against abject ignorance. Here's a taste to pique your interest!
Spiders have pairs of pedipalps. Shortly after the adult molt, male T. sisyphoides trap one in a bit of spider silk and twist it off. Voluntarily. A kind of willing hemipenectomy. One has to cringe at the thought, but I suppose I can sympathize—if I had a pair of penises the size of volleyballs and weighing 10 pounds each attached to my cheeks, I might want to get rid of one, too. The question is, what do the spiders gain from this truncation? Vastly improved athletic performance, it turns out.
Two penises attached to your cheeks? Is that you... Tara Reid? Oh! Oh! I am nasty!
Posted by PETE 5/31/05 7:37pm
Cruise
on Access Hollywood, via Defamer.
"...You think I'm passionate? You see? That is why they wanted to drug the piss out of me!," he said, laughing.
Posted by Hip E. 5/31/05 10:01am
A real-life supermom used a bottle of breast milk to douse an amputee yesterday after his wheelchair was set ablaze by punks on a Staten Island bus, cops said.
more at Hot Karl dot com
Posted by Hip E. 5/31/05 9:23am
Bad... Fucking... Ass...
I know I'm late with this, but better late that never when it comes to midgets fighting lions.
"Did you just say 'midgets fighting lions?'"
Indeed I did, sir. Indeed...
Update: Alas, a hoax. Too good to be true.
Posted by PETE 5/27/05 6:52pm
No, it's not "on". Nothing's "on". It's off.
So I was going to write a post of You Got Served but I see someone beat me to it. That's cool.
However, I too would like to proclaim You Got Served as the best movie of all time. I would characterize my mood and demeanor while watching as a combination of disbelief, shock, and utter jubilant bliss that such a work of cinematic art could be unfolding right before my very eyes. I imagined it must've been like the one guy who went to the showing of that one early movie where the train is coming right at the camera and everyone ducks... except he didn't duck, because he understood immediately the stark reality and the sheer wonder of what he was witnessing. That was me, watching YGS.
People think Chris Stokes, the writer/director of this movie (and the manager of B2K) is a hack and that his script is just a lazy hodge podge of cliches, but they're cretins. What they don't realize is that he has created a masterpiece of comedy so unintentional that it turns the whole concept of comedy on it's head. You Got Served is 100% parody proof. You can't do it. You just can't. (And yes I realize that the You Got Served South Park is shit-hot hilarious, but really, it's not nearly as funny as the actual movie.) How can you parody a movie where, within the first three minutes of dialogue, it has been established that: 1) The main characters, David and Elgin are dancing for money to open a recording studio; 2) Elgin's hot sister and David have eyes for one another; 3) Elgin's hot sister got into Princeton, but "moms" can't afford to send her; and 4) David and Elgin make money to put up in the dance-offs by being drug couriers!
Did I mention the whole movie centers around dance-offs? Because it does and that rules.
Then you have the bad guys: two EXTREMELY white kids from the O.C., which IMDB inexplicably describes as "a group of tough street dancers." One is so white that my first thought when I saw him was: there's no way that kid can dance. And indeed I was right, as he was relegated to the background during most scenes. As an added bonus, I don't think either of them wear a shirt with actual sleeves during the entire movie (see picture).
Then there's Steve Harvey's speech before one dance-offs about how dancing is not about ______, but what it's really about... is friendship. Also, I'm pretty sure at one point he says somehting along the lines of "let's settle this on the dancefloor."
Then there's the little kid character who basically exists only for the purpose of getting killed in a driveby so the crew can dedicate the last battle to him and airbrush his face on some shirts.
And of course (of course!) a montage of David dancing by himself... shirtless... in the rain (I should say rain machine because the scene is some of the most obvious rain machine work I've ever witnessed).
... and so much more. Basically every minute you go without watching this movie, you are not experienceing life to the fullest.
Truthfully, The Jo-Tel was thinking that for June, instead of posting any original writings we would just find and post a copy of the full script of You Got Served. We figured that nothing we could come up with would give our 300+ loyal readers as much pleasure and true-to-life street knowledge. So cop - I mean peep - that shit, son. NOW SON! Word is bond.
Posted by PETE 5/27/05 6:46pm
Sweet Sweetin's BadaSSSSSS Song
Since we're whoring for visits right now with the RSS feed that we don't even understand, I might as well take this time to mention that - thanks in large part to Linda and Hot Karl's riveting discussion in last month's comments - beautiful Full House actress Jodi Sweetin has become quite the hits generator for Le Jo-Tel. I can't begin to imagine their disappointment when they arrive to find... this (unless they're fortunate enough to discover the Review Review and become avid fans of the biannually updated featurette! Go us!).
Thus, with their well-being in mind, I would hereby like to declare the Jo-Tel your one stop shop for all things Sweetin (and yes, I understand by doing this I'm probably stepping on the toes of this guy)! And because the Jo-Tel is all about going above and beyond, I'm going to throw in one stop shops for every other child actress from a popular 80s sitcom who has succeeded in remaining relatively obscure while leading a normal life hidden from public scruitiny... who is hot. In other words, no twins with raw nostrils and no TV witches with spectacular fake breasts.
Also, no Melissa Joan Hart. Fuck that bitch. Explain that!
Anyhow, if I don't get too lazy, expect photo tributes to the likes of Tatianan Ali, Jenna von Oy, Tiffany Brisette, Andrea Elson and of course: Bea Arthur.
Stay tuned!
Note: Why, when you do a google image search of Tatiana Ali does a flag with a swastika show up? That's odd. Kind of like Jay-Z wearing Von Dutch. More on that later.
Posted by PETE 4/27/05 6:30pm
RSS Feed
I have absolutely no idea what it does, but Thrill and Evil Queen Magda have it, so there it is, in the top left corner of the menu, under The Review Review (whatever happened to that thing?). I asked Thrill like ten times, and the impression I get from his criptically incomplete answers is that I just type http://jo-tel.editme.com and then append /rss.xml on the end of it, and that somehow will get us an extra 15 visitors a day. There you go.
The Rat Blogs!
Last night I found out that an old friend of the Jo-tel named Bharat has a blog. I read it, and I can't recommend it highly enough. The Rat treads the fine line between comedy and drama better than anyone since Jim Carrey in "The Truman Show." I am hereby adding The Rat to The Jo-tel Blogroll, which I think is way too far down on the left side there, but it would be really hard to do anything about it. Shout Out Rat!
Posted by Hip E. 5/27/05 10:35am
Smart Dude Beats Up on Dumbs
"Creationism: God's Gift to the Ignorant", by Richard Dawkins (author of The Blind Watchmaker, from which I quoted earlier this month). Last paragraph:
The creationists’ fondness for "gaps" in the fossil record is a metaphor for their love of gaps in knowledge generally. Gaps, by default, are filled by God. You don’t know how the nerve impulse works? Good! You don’t understand how memories are laid down in the brain? Excellent! Is photosynthesis a bafflingly complex process? Wonderful! Please don’t go to work on the problem, just give up, and appeal to God. Dear scientist, don’t work on your mysteries. Bring us your mysteries for we can use them. Don’t squander precious ignorance by researching it away. Ignorance is God’s gift to Kansas.
Oh my God I think I'm in love.
Posted by Hip E. 5/27/05 9:10am
Officer Meatbeef
This is the hardest I've laughed in April or May -- COMBINED! Wow. Scroll down to officer meatbeef. DO IT!!
Courtesy of Pliska
Posted by Hip E. 5/27/05 8:34am
Downs Under Part Deux
Josh Downs, the Jo-Tel's Australian correspondent, brings us yet another tale of woe and misfortune otherwise know as an average day in his life, be he in Oak Park, Illinois, Marietta, Ohio, or in the bush country. Downs should really start his own blog but until he does I'll continue to post these solid gold emails.
So it appears I cannot escape who I am even though I went to the other side of the world. I just moved again to another hostel in King's Cross which is less than five minutes from my work. I get there and they tell me that Monday night they have a deal with one of the local hotels where 7 bucks gets you a steak and beer. Gravy. 7:30 we all go out and I immediately find one of the hottest English girls I've ever seen and start chatting her up. I'm charming her with my rapist's wit and devil-may-care good looks, and she is totally into me....it seems. She's buys me a drink, I'm making jokes about her fear of babies, not the thought of having babies, but like she's terrified of meeting a baby in a dark alley. I leave for a moment to buy her a drink, when I get back she's chatting up some Mimbo backpacker surfer douchebag, and I get the pleasure of performing the immasculating task of delivering her drink while she hits on another dude. After five minutes, I guess she decides that conversation with an intelligent, albeit slightly overweight human being as opposed to a dumb as rocks mimbo is more appealing, so I'm back in.
We talk for so long we close down the bar, and we head for another hotel. At this point I've had about five or six pints, and am quite tipsy. I also have work at 9 the next morning, so I'm probably not going to be able to keep up with this girl for too much longer. Now we are at the next bar, featuring an Australian staple, two guys with guitars playing American mid 90s to 2002 songs supposedly to entertain the bar but really just to get them laid. We run into all the other backpackers here, including Dan Cortez from MTV sports. And now that she's drunker from the drinks that I bought her, she has decided that conversation with Douchebag Mcgee is now a viable option, leaving me to sulk with the pint that I just bought. This all may seem pretty shitty to most of you, but this is pretty much par for the course for a boy named Downs. Then it happens. I'm hovering between the bar and the girl, hoping against hope that she will realize what a ultra douche this guy is, as well as preparing to buy my next beer. The "band" has just brutalized Oasis and set Lynyrd Skynyrd spinning like tops in their whiskey soaked graves. I put the glass to my lips and fill my mouth with delicious amber, as the singer confidently strums the most evil chord in music and begins, "If you could onlaaaay seeeee, the waaaaaay she loves meeee." I spit the beer out, smash my glass on the floor, storm out of the bar, and go home. I'm fairly confident everyone knows the backstory here, and if you don't, eat shit I'm not telling it again.
The back story of course being that while still at his alma mater, the little known, yet not well-respected Marietta College, the school threw a free concert for the students. Now, when they had free student concerts at Berkeley, we would get acts like Jurassic 5, Common, and... well I can't really remember who else but that J5 show was tits. Anyways, Marietta college got Tonic. If you don't remember Tonic, you're probably not alone, as they were part of the alt-rock one hitter pandemic of the mid-to-late 90s that included such others as Better Than Ezra, The Toadies, and those guys that sung that song about Breakfast at Tiffany's. Bear in mind that we didn't even go to college until '99 so needless to say Tonic was past their... uh, well I would say "prime" but I think that's pushing it. Anyhow, long story short, Downs's girlfriend at the time cheated on him with the bassist... I'll let that sink in.
Now... I say again: not the lead singer, not even the drummer, but the fucking bassist. That hurts. So anyhow, Tonic's one hit was the above song which caused Downs to understandably destroy a pint glass and waste beer. Not much else to say on that except to hear Downs tell that story is pretty epic. Downs... The Jo-Tel wishes you continued success in Australia and I hope that British chick turned out to be a man.
Here is a picture of Tonic. I don't know which one the bassist is but I think you'll agree with me that it doesn't really matter.
Posted by PETE 5/26/05 4:02pm
Hip E. In College
Those were the days. "So, - what did you say your name was again? Right, I knew that. ...Have you ever read 'Blood Meridian'?"
Posted by Hip E. 5/26/05 1:27pm
Republican Nicknames
"Hitlery Clinton" vs. "Hellery Clinton." See? I told you so.
Posted by Hip E. 5/25/05 8:52am
People of Cook County Georgia: You Are Idiots
I know these morons are an easy target, but so is racial humor - yet that doesn't stop college kids from thinking that Dave Chappelle is a genius. Regardless, I'm not here to tear down, I'm here to build up <resisting urge to include overly esoteric Nietzsche citation>. So here:
Before a not-retarded judiciary undid their schemes, the Cook County school district of Georgia resolved to affix, on all science textbooks containing facts about evolution, the following sticker:
This textbook contains information on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered.
Apparently the people of Georgia need to be told before they think critically. Surprising, coming from a group of people that believe that an old man with a beard created the universe.
Posted by Shark 5/24/05 10:44pm
Pliska in Portland - Rack Him.
Email from Pliska in Portland, who will be joining us in hell:
Before we went to Mexico, we went to this benefit thing my dad got us tickets to for the Dougy Center, which is a nongovernment funded place where kids whose parents died by disease or accident at young ages can go and deal with their grief etc. It's actually a really cool thing. So this function was an auction, where a bunch of really really rich people (I mean, you should have seen some of the rocks on these people, many CEOs from the area from like PGE etc.) buy stuff. The whole idea of the thing seems to be to make people feel bad for these kids so you buy stuff. So there is a silent auction, wehre these poor kids have made stuff or drawn stuff and you bid on it. Like ridiculous amounts for a 9 year-old's painting. And next to the stuff is the kid's name that made it and what their parent died of and why they are sad. Then there is a live auction, selling ridiculous vacations (for example, a 1 week stay in a castle at a winery in Bourdeaux) that go for thousands and thousands of dollars. But in between they have people talk and tell sad stories, and literally they pull out all the stops to make you feel bad (which of course you do and should), like having a mom with 3 fatherless kids 11, 7, and 3 stand up and each say how their dad died (that group, a box from a forklift fell on him at work. Great.) and why they are sad, in addition to videos of kids talking about it. Also, on the dinner table are these little cards which I thought just crossed the line. There was one at each place setting about the size of a standard playing card. You open them up and on top it says "Thank You For Your Support" and on the bottom there is a one sentence thing from each kid. So I took some, and these are my favorites. Yes, I am evil, but this just went too far.
"I hope they find a cure for cancer so no one else has to die." (this one even had backwards letters - 8 of them!)
"I hope I will be able to enjoy life again sometime soon"
and my personal favorite:
"I hope they find the person who killed my dad."So I am putting these on the windowsill.
Posted by Hip E. 5/24/05 4:45pm
Tom Cruise Goes Off The Deep End
Apparently Tom Cruise was on Oprah yesterday or something, and apparently he's completely insane. Obviously, I am ecstatic. On the show, he jumped up and down on the couch, cackled like a witch, knelt down and pumped his fist as if he'd just won the Masters, told Oprah that he "LOVES [HIS] WOMAN!!!" and that he "WANTS TO GET TO KNOW HIS WOMAN!!!", called out for Katie Holmes to come out from backstage, ran backstage when she didn't come out, and forcibly dragged her out in front of the cameras against her will, planting angry kisses on her terrified grill on the way. The prevailing theory seems to be that he is gay but thinks that it could hurt the bottom line so he needs to be almost constantly married to an up-and-coming young actress. Other factors in this massive PR slip-up include the fact that he fired his former publicists, who used to keep a tight lid on his personal life, and then hired his Scientologist sister, who for some reason is not as good at being a publicist as one of the top Publicity Companies in the world. So she doesn't tell him that normal 42 year-olds who met 'their women' six weeks ago don't necessarily go on TV and recreate the first scene of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Oh yeah, and HE'S A SCIENTOLOGIST!!! But I'll let you, my readers, decide for yourselves.
Story on Defamer; Pics from Defamer; Hilarious and informative commentary by the internet
Posted by Hip E. 5/24/05 4:35pm
Star Wars Geeks... The Key Word Is Effort
Look, Star Wars geeks. I actually think it's cool that you dress up as characters from the movies when you go to the theater. I really do. But I saw something last week that pissed me off a little bit...
Some couple queued up in front of me at dinner dressed as Qi Gon Jin (sp?) and Pricess Leia (sp?) who had totally half assed their costumes: The guy had braided his hair Qi Gon style, he was carrying a Qi Gon style leather satchel, but his brown robe unfortunately didn't cover his acid wash jeans and leather work boots splattered with white paint. His girl... well I didn't even know she was supposed to be Pricess Leia until I happened to notice the extremely weak attempt she had made at cinnamon bunning her hair. I mean it was WEAK. You really had to see it. Then there was her costume... which could been really good actually because I haven't seen the Trilogy in a while and she was a Star Wars geek so maybe, to be fair, I just forgot about the part in Return Of The Jedi where Leia was rocking green Doc Marten's and a halter top from Forever 21.
I think most would agree that when geeks half-ass their costumes, everybody loses. Normal people are pissed off because you dressed up in a costume to sit in a chair for two hours and eat popcorn (plus you probabaly have bad b.o. and are engaged in a loud, annoying dicussion about action figures), and the other geeks who actually spent more than 15 minutes throwing something together are pissed at you for ruining the aesthetic. I mean think about it from their perspective. Some guy wearing a complete Boba Fett (sp?) suit, guns, tarnished metal and all and he winds up sitting next to some dude wearing a red bathrobe and carrying a plastic light saber who says he's dressed up as Mace Windoo (sp?). That would certainly piss me off. Actually, if I was really dressed like Boba Fett I'd consider stomping some ass.
It probably makes it worse that since this is the last episode, it was concordantly the last time Star Wars geeks could don their outfits in public and really shine for the masses. So WTF were they thinking? Star Wars geeks of the world, you can do better than this. Save the acid wash jeans and the green Docs for your next job interview or something and really go for it with the costumes!
Also, if you've never seen the clip of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog where he makes fun of the people in line for Episode II tickets, stop reading this site and google "Triumph Star Wars" right now.
Triumph: "You're worried about spoilers? Here's a spolier: you will die alone."
Posted by PETE 4/23/05 8:23pm
Berocca
My ex-boss Michael got back from his 5 week trip to Australia this week and he brought me a gift: Berocca tablets.
It's a great gift. Basically they're sold over there under the guise of being daily "nutritional suppliments", claiming on the tube that "the specific combination of B group vitamins and vitamin C in Berocca will help your body to release the maximum energy from the food you eat." That's nice. I hate it when food obstinately refuses to release all it's energy into my body (For some reason Yams are big assholes about this).
However, their true usage is as a morning after hangover cure, and an effective one at that. They're little red alka-seltzer like tablets that contain B vitamins I didn't even know existed, and which I suspect might still be illegal in the States ("Vitamin B96? What?") and well as a substance called "Nicotinamide" which I assume is a replacement for the oh-so-helpful early morning cigarette. What's ever more impressive, considering the continent of origin, is the great taste! After all, these are the people that brought us Vegemite. Vegemite is most foul (it tastes like table salt that's gone rotten), but Berocca is pleasant and fruity, kind of like Walloch... if Walloch were pleasant.
So anyhow, I recommend trying to get your hands on some of this stuff. I mean, really I hope you didn't even need convincing from me past "hangover cure from Australia" because really, when it comes to hangovers, you gotta figure Aussies know what the fuck they're talking about.
Well, they do.
Posted by PETE 4/23/05 6:31pm
\m/ (>.<) \m/
Above, you will find the best emoticon ever, courtesy of coworker Jessica 1 (Not to be confuse with Jessica Wan, who is ironically, Jessica 2).
Posted by PETE 4/23/05 6:25pm
Plunk Biggio
The internet is full of splendorous things, and people like me who link to them in the hopes that they will then come read my site and help us average 100 visitors a day. This is one such thing, a blog about Craig Biggio's unwitting quest for the Major League Baseball hit-by-a-pitch record.
Posted by Hip E. 5/23/05 5:23pm
Cruise Gets Smacked Down
Germany may be the skinhead capital of the world. I have no idea. But they give a mean interview:
via Defamer: 'SPIEGEL' GRILLS CRUISE ABOUT SCIENTOLOGY, REPORTER LIVES
Cruise: ... In Scientology, we have the only successful drug rehabilitation program in the world. It's called Narconon.
SPIEGEL: That's not correct.
Posted by Hip E. 5/23/05 2:27pm
Republicans
Have you ever noticed how the far-right always has the lamest catchphrases and nicknames for things? That's one of our principle advantages -- While we on the left are saddled with all the dumb new-age crystal-stroking hippies who say things like "You know what the real crime is man? I'll tell you what the REAL crime is dude -- back in the 80's the Government developed a strain of weed that actually makes you SMARTER, but they know that if it ever gets out then The People will rise up and take over, and they can't have that man because they'd be out of a job dude! So they keep it top secret and only like the CIA and the military can get ahold of this shit man - and I'm telling you, this shit is the CHRONIC! They were going to use it to make like a race of super soldiers who could operate in all kinds of conditions like in the woods and shit because everybody knows the ganja makes you more attuned to nature and the trees and stuff - and these CIA dudes think that controlling the trees is what it's all about man!! But their plan didn't work dude because they forgot one thing.. All those crew-cut redneck military dudes they gave it to didn't know shit about smoking weed! They thought it was just a tool to make them better at killing and shit, but they didn't realize that the ganja is a state of mind man!! It's like - weed comes from the earth; from the Mother of everyone man - and our Mother HATES it when we FIGHT! So all the effects that the special weed was supposed to have didn't work on these soldiers dude because they were missing ONE THING, MAN -- and that thing was LOVE... I mean, Bush totally smoked that shit but obviously it didn't make him any smarter!! Yeah dude! My cousin went to college with Bush's daughters dude and he went to this party one time and Laura Bush Jr. was there in this back room sitting there BLAZING and making everyone take huge rips off this bong that was made out of a missile that her dad had given her, and he said the weed she had tasted like minty mangoes or some CRAZY shit dude, and you know what the weird part was man?? Everyone who was at that party got straight A's that semester. No lie. No lie. That's some shit right there man."
But the Right is likewise saddled with tons of dumb OLD people. Old people are just as dumb as hippies, and almost as credulous. While doing research for this post, I had a hard time finding any stupider Right Wing catchphrases than "Rush is Right!" and "Bill Clinton is a rapist!", but I did find a bumper sticker that says "Guns don't kill people, abortion clinics kill people." So there goes my whole theory about the stupid catchphrases. What I did find is this, via Defamer:
TOM CRUISE WANTS TO CURE BROOKE'S BABY BLUES!
Posted by Hip E. 5/23/05 11:37am
Forever Jung
Carl Jung was a motherfucker. Where I go from here wells up outside the city walls like a phalanx of trained soldiers. There is a very little deviation, but quite a lot of structured defense. The best detoxification is the best determination of the best winner of the world - that person being the winner of everything . . . that person . . .
In Switerland, Carl Jung grew up. He would later split with Sigmund Freud. And there was much rejoicing - er, pontificating. Everyone ate each other and reveled in the resulting shortness of their sentences. When the alignment of the moon beams shining upon your path of words happens, well, then you begin anew with every last true thought. I hate Cat Power.
My collective unconscious never digresses because it is understood by the sleeping world. Why? Because, as I said, it is understood by the sleeping world. Understanding my collective unconscious, the sleeping world begins to understand my collective unconscious. Understanding my collective unconscious, the sleeping world of people has never not understood my unconscious thoughts. Sleeping, the world undertands itself collectively. This is where my story gets muddled and scary at the same time: like a new pair of pants foolishly not worn to class.
When Carl Jung died in 1961, the world began to think that maybe - just maybe - it had made a mistake in letting Carl Jung die. Carl had apparently tapped into the universal sentiment of disturbance that trailed behind a universal sentiment of disturbance like a universal disturbance - like Carl Jung, following, like a disturbing sentiment, from a universal disturbance.
Sigmund Freud was a motherfucker. Fuck Sigmund Freud. God exists. Or, at least, this is what some people will have you believe because they believe that sons do not crave sex with their mothers just as they feel that Freud's other, less internally generalized ideas have some little validity outside the realm of his pee-pee-pants notions of motherfucking wetting yourself in an orgasm of allegorical incest. I've always understood Totem and Taboo. That has never been the problem. It's just that Freud could never keep his shit straight. "Hey Carl Jung," he would yell. "Why don't you collectively understand this, you fuckhole: inside all of us there is a desire to break with our best intellectual friends because these friends, unbeknownst to any segment of the brain, actually live up to every possible flippin' hope that we could possibly have for the survival of any type of even remotely interesting neo-narco syndicate." Jung: "Nobody, as long as he moves about among the choatic undercurrents of life, is without trouble. Goodbye Freud."
Posted by Shark 5/21/05 11:58pm
Express Yourself
From one of the best popular science books I've ever read, "The Blind Watchmaker" by Richard Dawkins:
Now comes one of the key insights in the whole theory. Although genes for female preference only express themselves in female behaviour, nevertheless they are present in the bodies of males too. And by the same token, genes for male tail length are present in the bodies of females, whether or not they express themselves in females. The idea of genes failing to express themselves is not a difficult one. If a man has genes for a long penis, he is just as likely to pass those genes on to his daughter as to his son. His son may express those genes whereas his daughter, of course, will not, because she doesn't have a penis at all. But if the man eventually gets grandsons, the sons of his daughter may be just a likely to inherit his long penis as the sons of his son. Genes may be carried in a body but not expressed. In the same way, Fisher and Lande assume that genes for female preference are carried in male bodies, even though they are only expressed in female bodies. And genes for male tails are carried in female bodies, even if they are not expressed in females.
So, "Your mom carries the genes for a long penis!" isn't as cruel of an insult as I had previously thought.
By the way, did we ever tell you about the time when a guy in our house, let's call him Brother S., came in to the room with a shit-eating grin on his face? No? Well, he did. We were like, "Alright Brother S., what are you so happy about?" And he was all grinningly, "I had sex with her three times... She said I was long." Pause for effect. The PUMA, being a rational man and thorough, asked him, "...and thick too?"
Quothe Brother S., still smiling wide, "No... Just long."
Posted by Hip E. 5/21/05 11:45am
MIT Dorms
Apparently the MIT dorm rooms are fun places to be despite the nerds. One dorm sign notes that there is just one, albeit very important, rule: "No smoking pot in the elevator."
There is no elevator in the dorm.
Posted by Shark 5/21/05 10:15am
Hip E. Weighs In
Shark was being a little bitch, and getting naked was not that cool.
Posted by Hip E. 5/18/05 9:37am
I Think I Lost My Diaper: Pictures + Reflections on B2B
I had forgotten that I met up with my college friend Lexi towards the end of the route. I was reminded yesterday when I reviewed the long stream of pictures haphazardly taken on Hip E's camera, which was, by act of God, miraculously not lost (...really, that 's the only explanation, I believe in God now). This marks the second time in two meetings that Lexi has seen me stark naked with shoes on. He loves it. I also forgot that I had illogically ran up a small hill and raised aloft a sign stating "PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB PLANTED AREA" that I uprooted while trampling said plants. I also got terribly angry at Hip E for not getting naked with me and PETE and Johnny D. I threw a beer in his face and mocked him for fearing to expose his tiny dick. Ya, sorry about that Hip. But you should have gotten naked. Reid jumped in the ocean. Props. Finally, during the arduous walk home (before the Puma mysteriously darted across the traffic-filled street and disappeared into Golden Gate park), we, parched drinkers that we were, decided to purchase beverages from a group of kids and their dad. The Puma bought a Starbucks cappucino with money he pulled out of his shoe, exclaiming in front of the kids, "Fuck Yeah!" after taking a huge gulp. Dad ... not too happy. B2B ... a resounding success. Selected pictures:
Put your diaper back on!
Posted by Shark 5/17/05 10:31am
Douche
Yet another hilarious article by me at the Phat Phree. Man I'm really keeping those guys above water.
PS Mary, please check the jouseguests section. You're wish has come true!
Posted by PETE 4/16/05 11:45pm
I should add...
Members of the Jo-Tel that had more than 2 beers at Bay to Breakers:
PETE
Hip E.
Shark
Members of the Jo-Tel for whom it takes only 2 beer to get belligerently drunk:
Shark
Posted by PETE 4/16/05 11:41pm
Bay to Breakers Report (a supplement)
I should probably also mention...
Members of the Jo-tel that got belligerently drunk at Bay to Breakers:
Shark
Members of the Jo-tel that did not get belligerently drunk at Bay to Breakers:
PETE
Hip E.
Posted by Shark 5/16/05 10:03am
Bay to Breakers Report
Members of the Jo-tel that got naked at Bay to Breakers:
PETE
Shark
Members of the Jo-tel that did not get naked at Bay to Breakers:
Hip E.
Posted by Shark 5/16/05 8:42am
Continue May Posts
Comments:
From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 6/1/05 4:50 PM
From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 6/1/05 4:02 PM
From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 6/1/05 12:59 PM
Yes, it's not funny to talk about politics.
Kos completely supports the troops.
Dying is not a good thing for a troop or a civilian to do in most cases.
Lots of people have died/will die because of Bush's decision to invade Iraq.
The administration lied to get the country to go along with the war.
We shouldn't have gone to war at that time, under those false pretenses.
If Bush had told the truth and actually brought the Congress and the American people a case where he said "Saddam is a tyrant, he is bad to his people, let's go to war and spread democracy" then I don't think we would have gone to war and I wouldn't be mad at Bush for lying.
Since Bush came to us with the case that "Saddam has nuclear weapons or will have them soon. Saddam is working with Al Queda and there is a good chance he will supply Al Queda with the nukes he has in order to blow up America or our allies.", this is a bad war to have gotten into, and since that case was comprised of bullshit and was designed to railroad us into war, all the dead American soldiers are on Bush's hands. Also all the dead Iraqi civilians, minus the amount of Iraqi civilians who Saddam would have killed in the last two years had we not invaded.
This has nothing to do with the troops, who for the most part are doing their jobs very well.
Now that we are there, we have to do the best that we can with the situation.
I love America, where I can call the president a lying asshole with the blood of innocents on his hands and still be alive next week.
From Shark [128.125.81.129] - 6/1/05 12:11 AM
From gafferland - 5/31/05 9:51 PM
A couple more things:
1) I don't believe that Markos actually posted that list of 100 Iraqis. I could bore you with an explanation of how a Scoop Web site like dailykos.com works, but I will. Basically you have 100s of individual people posting stuff in diaries which are mini-blogs within the motherblog. Diaries are promoted to the main page when enough people vote for them. Think of it then, as a sort of Hey Crackhead.
2) Kos himself is a veteran of the Army and few political commentators out there have more respect for our men and women in uniform.
3) I agree wholeheartedly with the PUMA that neither Le Jo-Tel nor katonrouge are good places for our political slap fights, no matter how much Hip E. hates America.
4) POO!!!
From The Big Kat [67.112.196.4] - 5/31/05 5:56 PM
From Gabbeh [66.171.85.86] - 5/29/05 8:36 AM
From Gabbeh [66.171.85.86] - 5/29/05 8:34 AM
From Shark - 5/28/05 7:06 PM
From Kyle, a lover of smarties [64.81.50.140] - 5/27/05 2:54 PM
From Hip - 5/27/05 1:07 PM
From Thrill [24.7.61.116] - 5/26/05 11:30 PM
From The Big Kat [24.7.57.14] - 5/26/05 1:33 AM
Baseball Tonight. Now that's a good show.
From Thrill [67.180.143.227] - 5/25/05 10:17 PM
From Gabbeh [66.171.85.86] - 5/25/05 8:11 PM
From RB [67.131.249.62] - 5/25/05 7:16 PM
From Pliska in Portland [24.22.83.12] - 5/25/05 5:47 PM
What's wrong with Cat Power Shark? Are they not fat?
From Shark [128.125.81.129] - 5/25/05 5:22 PM
From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 5/25/05 5:15 PM
From The Big Kat [67.112.196.4] - 5/25/05 5:12 PM
It's no wonder that sticker pissed Shark off. He hates openmindedness, careful study, and critical consideration.
From PETE [64.81.50.140] - 5/25/05 2:32 PM
Shark is on fire what with his hatred of Cat Power and posting of the Georgia textbook sticker controversy that happened in like 2003.
Next on the Jo-Tel, who is this Kevin Federline clown anyways? I heard he was a back-up dancer.
From inga [63.170.97.131] - 5/25/05 11:34 AM
Apparently he raved about the joys of receiving his first cold sore.
(See: scary pictures of Katie Holmes that circulated a few weeks back).
From inga [63.170.97.131] - 5/25/05 11:31 AM
From Shark [128.125.81.129] - 5/25/05 12:45 AM
That's the best thing you've ever said, Cat Power!
From Cat Power [128.125.81.129] - 5/25/05 12:44 AM
From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 5/24/05 6:35 PM
From Pliska in Portland [24.22.83.12] - 5/24/05 6:28 PM
From The Big Kat [67.112.196.4] - 5/24/05 5:04 PM
Dear Adam,
Baseball : Soccer :: Drinking a cold beer in the sun : Getting hit in the face with a tire iron
Baseball rules. HipE's responses are gay. Go America.
-The Puma
From I HATE 85.194.50.95 [206.176.240.83] - 5/24/05 4:23 PM
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 5/24/05 2:19 PM
From Hip - 5/24/05 12:07 PM
Bite me, 85.194.50.95. YOU are the gayest thing I have seen.
P.S. To our gay readers: Not That There's Anything Wrong With That.
From 85.194.50.95 - 5/24/05 10:01 AM
From Pliska in Portland [24.22.83.12] - 5/24/05 1:44 AM
Yeah guys. You should really talk more about the Revolution and the War of 1812. Hey Adam, go eat some orange slices and fake some injuries (sorry Hip E.). The sticky wicket gets the cricket!
From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 5/23/05 11:42 PM
Adam-
I am a soccer player of sorts. But we are in America, and our soccer teams suck. Our basketball teams are pretty sick, except for the Lakers (Ha!) and the Blazers (Fuck!), who suck. People here will not put money down on the soccer playoffs so you can see where we're coming from. If you have any interesting updates from the world of British Football, feel free to enlighten us. Especially if you can find any links to dudes getting hit in the junk with a football -- that shit is solid gold over here in the States. I've been playing soccer since I was 11, and my exposure to real soccer still hasn't gone much farther than the end of Pink Floyd's "Fearless." But as long as you think we are cool, Adam, you'll always have a friend in The Jo-Tel, and you'll never walk alone. When there's fear in your heart, and you'll never walk alone. A-lone. A-lone. A-looone.
From gafferland - 5/23/05 9:27 PM
Adam... bad news. I just got back from a weekend in Chicago where I took in a few Cubs/White Sox (those are American baseball teams) games and plan on drafting some long, boring posts about it. What would you like to see? More poo? More slamhogs?
From adam [137.222.10.67] - 5/23/05 8:38 PM
hello! im from england. i am in england reading this. can you please stop writing about american football or baseball or whatever it is you love, so much? that would be great! your doing a good job though.
From Shark [128.125.81.129] - 5/23/05 8:14 PM
From Hot Karl [68.7.137.191] - 5/23/05 4:49 PM
From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 5/23/05 1:57 AM
From Gabbeh [66.171.85.86] - 5/22/05 10:14 PM
From lady aubrey [24.7.57.14] - 5/21/05 5:09 AM
From Gabbeh [66.171.85.86] - 5/19/05 12:54 AM
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 5/18/05 7:06 PM
Neither was the random dude that took our bag of Pepper Jack Doritos.
-Thrill (who bought the Pepper Jack Doritos)
(Two can play at that game, Shark.)
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 5/18/05 3:06 PM
Neither was the random dude that took our bag of Pepper Jack Doritos.
-Thrill (who bought the Pepper Jack Doritos)
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 5/18/05 1:03 PM
From RB [67.131.249.62] - 5/17/05 8:39 PM
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 5/17/05 7:34 PM
From RB [67.131.249.62] - 5/17/05 4:54 PM
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 5/16/05 10:23 PM
From Shark - 5/16/05 11:24 AM
From RB [64.121.69.205] - 5/16/05 12:21 AM
From Hip - 5/13/05 12:30 PM
From Thrill [24.7.67.222] - 5/13/05 3:00 AM
From Thrill [24.7.67.222] - 5/13/05 2:59 AM
From Shark - 5/13/05 1:49 AM
From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 5/13/05 1:17 AM
From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 5/13/05 1:13 AM
From RB [64.121.69.205] - 5/13/05 12:17 AM
From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 5/12/05 7:36 PM
Does anybody know what Johnny D. is talking about?
...Anyone?
...Anyone?
...Johnny D.?
From Johnny Fucking D. [206.176.240.83] - 5/12/05 7:33 PM
Shark, god forbid a that a person enjoys a book not in the form of a ten thousand page sleeping pill.
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 5/12/05 7:22 PM
From inga [63.170.97.131] - 5/12/05 5:07 PM
Really? No likey? She said the baldness made her look the L-word, so one would think you'd like it.
From Hip - 5/12/05 4:05 PM
more detailed pic of baldy:
http://www.natalieportman.com/picstemp/d96_baldnatalieportman.jpg
Inga: I agree, she was the hottest at 12 - it's been downhill ever since.
From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 5/12/05 3:53 PM
In the words of Cher from "Clueless",
There goes your social life...
From Gabbeh [66.171.85.86] - 5/12/05 12:03 PM
From Johnny D. [206.176.240.83] - 5/12/05 10:40 AM
From inga [24.7.61.116] - 5/11/05 11:18 PM
Hip E, how do you like your precious Natalie now?
From dubbers [24.7.57.14] - 5/11/05 12:25 AM
From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 5/10/05 11:20 AM
While perusing our archives I came upon this blast from the past in the comments section:
Dear Pete -
I have seen many a boob. I have felt many a boob.
...
love,
the evil queen
Taking things out of context will never get old. Right, Matt?
From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 5/10/05 11:08 AM
Actually, Shark, the Blazers Ultimate Battle was the first one that came up when I clicked on the link. Kobe should have a blog about how to be the coolest guy in the universe.
From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 5/10/05 1:23 AM
From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 5/10/05 1:22 AM
From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 5/10/05 1:22 AM
From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 5/10/05 1:22 AM
From linda: irritated [63.170.97.131] - 5/9/05 7:54 PM
Hip E, haha, you are so funny. It was even funnier yesterday when I was at your computer and I laughed out loud and I called you over and read out loud that very passage from RBlog.
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 5/9/05 4:41 PM
From Dr. Phil [209.233.180.157] - 5/9/05 3:31 PM
You guys should really chill in the Puma's dome with me. It's nice in here.
From Thrill [24.7.61.116] - 5/8/05 2:35 PM
Fair enough.
From Shark - 5/7/05 3:04 PM
From Gabbeh [66.171.85.86] - 5/6/05 3:55 PM
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 5/5/05 7:53 PM
Hip E., for a non-Republican, you sure link to Amazon a hell of a lot. Why not link to All Music's Abraxas page?
Shark, beautiful work in the Comments section. I should slap you in the face for putting NMH ahead of Zeppelin, though.
From Hip - 5/5/05 12:51 PM
From Hip E. [65.200.81.187] - 5/5/05 12:26 PM
From The Big Kat [64.172.16.235] - 5/5/05 12:18 PM
From Pliska in Portland [24.20.141.35] - 5/4/05 8:14 PM
You guys didn't put any Smash Mouth on there!
-Walloch
From The Big Kat [24.7.61.116] - 5/4/05 6:32 PM
Here's my top 20 list:
20. Joe Satriani - Always With Me, Always With You
19. Extreme - More Than Words
18. Warrant - Cherry Pie
17. Bon Jovi - My Life
16. Jane's Addiction - Jane Says
15. Audioslave - I Am the Highway (Collateral Soundtrack)
14. Bruno e Marrone - Um Bomb Perdedor
13. Shaggy - Bombastic
12. Ratt - Round and Round
11. Nelly - Hot in Here
10. Rancid - That Rancid Song
9. Skid Row - 18 and Life
8. Jane's Addiction - Been Caught Steeling
7. Dio - Holy Diver
6. Motely Crue - Girls Girls Girls
5. R. Kelly - Ignition
4. Jane's Addiction - Jane Says (live)
3. GNR - November Rain
2. John Cougar Melloncamp - Ain't That America
1. Last of the Mohicans - Main Theme
From The Big Kat [64.172.16.235] - 5/4/05 6:07 PM
Beethoven was bold.
From Pliska in Portland [24.20.141.35] - 5/4/05 5:20 PM
"Hmm....Del Monte. Enjoy them old man! They will be....your last."
From Reid [206.96.187.197] - 5/4/05 4:07 PM
This is my first jo-tel writing experience. This is the end of my first jo-tel writing experience.
From maupow [128.223.242.159] - 5/3/05 6:30 PM
--OSU fan shouting at myself and two other Cal fans prior to the Cal v. Oregon State game, but equally appropriate in light of hippie's impending joblessness.
From Shark - 5/3/05 5:03 PM
From The Big Kat [64.172.16.238] - 5/3/05 4:33 PM
From Shark - 5/3/05 1:08 PM
From Thrill [64.81.50.140] - 5/2/05 8:14 PM
Word is bond.
From Johnny D [206.176.240.83] - 5/2/05 1:48 PM
I propose we barbeque every weekend. We don't need to make it a huge thing, just a regular thing. We get forties, meat, veggies and cook over an open flame with an open invitation to whomever would like to come.
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