"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."
- Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint
Some Time This Century
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THE JO-TEL IS:
Shark
Hip E.
PETE
Johnny D
We get naked in bars way more thanyou and you know what that means ...
We read Proust.
FEATURES*:
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Slang Dictionary
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Hey Crackhead
* features are shit-hot
CURRENTLY READING:
Hip E.
- Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759-67)
- Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)
Shark
- Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
- Kevin Star, A History of California:
1840 - 1875.
- Paul Celan, Breathturn
PETE
- Cormac McCarthy, Suttree
Johnny D.
- Jean Luc d'Emo, Reel
The Quail
- Dave Eggers, What Is the What
- James Joyce, Ulysses
- Don Gifford, Ulysses Annotated
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
Hip E.
- Neko Case, Blacklisted (2002)
- Hip E., Pando Mix Rev. 0 (2007)
- Rock Plaza Central, Are We Not Horses? (2006)
Shark
- Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Blank
Generation (1977)
- The Kinks, The Village Green Preservation
Society (1968)
- Silver Apples, Contact (1969)
PETE
- Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)
Johnny D
- Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it (1980)
- The Blow, Paper Television (2006)
- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3 (1999)
The Quail
- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)
ARCHIVES:
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November 05 December 05
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August 06
September 06
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November 06
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January 07
MEET THE JOUSE GUESTS*:
JohnPatsy
Linda
Jay
The Puma
Liz
Gabe
Merz
Tello
Jaskot
Tara
Cutler
Bock (kind of)
Pliska
Mini-Shark
The Goose (Carrie)
Bain
Fritz
Yahoo Serious
Laura-Lee
Fabulous L-Breeze
Saki
Kristin
Booby
Joe
Jonelle
Becca
Rebecca P.
Snake (slithering this way and that)
Matranga
Raphael (Little Mex)
Neva
Annie
Kathleen
Paul S.
Emily
Brew-Dogg
Reid
Reid's Girl
Downs
Some Chick who passed out
on Shark's couch
Ross
Cameron
Mary (slut)
Miklos
Romie
Simon
Kubow
Becky B.
Walloch
John the Hippie
Stickler
Anna
Andrea
Ben
Lucy (dog)
Wilson
Lauren
JohnPatsyLady A.
Lauren's B/f
Jenny B.
Paul James (infant)
Beck E.
Lisa Says
Ben
Nick Martin
Caitlin
Melissa
Sosia
Riley
Nicole
Reid's friend (chiefed heavily)
Virginia
* A Jouse-guest is someone who has
spent the night at the Jo-tel.
PAST PARTIES:
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Anti-Halloween
Anti-Anti Halloween
X-Mas in Mid-Nov
Beware the St. Ides of March
SF WEATHER PIXIE*:
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I'm on the trail of a chocolate soda for
my wife.
- Charlton Heston (1924 - )
The Jo-Tel... Live It | Show Menu |
TELLO!
Tello just called me from the Oakland airport...
All hell is about to break loose.
That is all.
Posted by PETE 11/30/04 10:19pm
Christmas in Mid-November...Thoughts.
First things first, here's the flyer which I forgot to post. Johnny D and I walked down to Kinko's on a Monday night to print these out where two chicks were talking about tattoos and I guess one of the chicks had a tattoo on his CHEST that was a picture of tofu and said "Tofu Forever." What a dumb shit. Seriously that has to be the worst tattoo I have ever heard of. But I digress...
So... first things first, there was a chance, albeit infinitesimal, that a considerable pallor would've been cast over that party had Inga managed to fail the Bar Exam. She didn't. Good job Inga. She was a bit scared because I guess her lap top had broken and she had to write all the first day by hand... plus she couldn't play minesweeper during the breaks to keep her wits sharp. Still... none of us really though there was a big chance I mean... Hot Tub passed for God's sake. Hot Tub! Anyhow so she found out she passed at 6, was drunk off champagne by 7; everybody was happy. Oh... that is until around 7:30 when Sandon came walking in our back door and told us that Bock had just thrown up in his new Lexus and they had thrown him on some couch in the front room.
Now... every Friday before the Big Game, our fraternity holds the aptly named Big Game Luncheon in the city at Schroeder's. It's basically an excuse for all the alumni to get as drunk as possible before 3 pm, which then serves the double purpose of them being too hung over the next day to drink during the game... which is nice for the families. (Obviously there was an inherent amount of risk having a party that same night... however were are huge badasses so it didn't bother us.) We had heard from early reports that Bock was by far the drunkest... followed closely by the Puma and Hefe, neither of which were surprises. Bock sort of was however, and not because the man doesn't like to drink, but because in order to get so tanked that he passed out it would take a LOT of booze for he is truly a giant man. To put things in perspective, and I think this is all you'll need, he did hundred's club and made it to like 213, maybe it was 306... I know that's a big difference but really... most people don't make it to 100. Also, I think he just decided to stop... most people have that decision made for them. Anyhow, he had been kicked out of Harrington's... which is a feat by itself. Getting kicked out of Harrington's for being too drunk is kind of like getting kicked out of the KKK for being too racist, like hating people with a sun tan or some shit. And so Sandon had loaded him into the car and brought him to the Jo-Tel and into what turned out to be Hip E's room, where we found him out cold, drooling puke on Hip E's floor. He had been in there no longer than 2 minutes and the room already smelled like shit. I informed Sandon that he had to remove Bock from the premises, preferably within the next 5 or so seconds. That's when the flash of brilliance hit me... throw him downstairs in the Puma's bed! This way I would be effectively killing two drunk ass birds with one stone. At the time our last reports as to the Puma's whereabouts were inconclusive, evidently he was lost and extremely out of bounds. Fine. But I knew when he came home he would be no less out of bounds and hard to handle. However, nothing sobers one up quicker than returning to one's room to find 250 pounds of drunk ass Bock in your bed, and realizing that you're going to have to get him out... So after that task was accomplished, we Febrezed Hip E's couch and moved on. The party itself, well... it was a party. I drank lots of booze, so did everyone else. April came. L-Breeze FLAKED! Um... reports from the living room stated that this party, numbers wise, was not as big a success as anti-Halloween. However, logistics wise it was much better, as in no police cars and no pissed off landlord calls. Johnny D was a hit at the party because he had wisely opted to don his coverall red flannel PJs which led to much cock grabbage by others, mostly girls and after 2 beers, Raphael. However... the night didn't heat up for Johnny D until later. I received a call from him around 3:30am while I was on the porch smoking my umpteenth cigarette. Johnny D had managed to pull off the outside-the-bar, end of the night pick up on a girl who was drinking alone because she... FAILED THE BAR! Ahhhhhh HA HA HA HA!
Me: Was she hot at least?
Johnny D: No... but she had big tits.
Me: Nice.
There's more to this story... much more, like the reason why he ran 13 blocks home in the middle of the night. but I have to get approval because some of our friends seem to have "problems" with us posting the stuff that is actually you know... funny. Shortly after Johnny D returned, I rolled a huge joint and, uh... hmm... woke up? Good times.
View the lost party invitation here
Posted by PETE 11/20/04 9:10pm
Online Dating
Look, if this is your picture, I really think you should go out on a date with my friend Thrill. He's a great guy and he knows how to treat a woman. He just suffers from the same ailment that I myself suffer from: he's an attractive guy who lacks confidence. Only in his case, girls seem to agree that he's attractive... which is nice. Alternately if Thrill is not your type you should stop by the Jo-Tel and see if you find me more sexually appealing. You girl, are hot enough for an Outkast video. Make it clap!
TOO FINE!
Posted by PETE 11/29/04 6:47pm
Feel the Power!
Now THIS is a publicity photo:
Eat your heart out Hi-C Ecto-Cooler!
Posted by PETE 11/23/04 12:22am
Thank you PETE
Hey PETE, it was really nice of you to clean the entire house on Saturday after our party. The place was totally trashed and when we got back it was fucking spotless. All the cups and cans were gone, the dishes were washed, the floors we all mopped, including our bedroom floors (which was REALLY nice of you because you could have easily just left that for us to do), the carpets were vacuumed, it didn't even smell like beer in the house! Shit man, even the laundry room was probably the cleanest I've ever seen it. You even moved Shark's bed and table back into his room. Pretty spectacular job and you did it all while watching the Big Game on TV because you were the only one too hung over to make it to Berkeley in the morning. I know that neither of us bothered to say "thanks," or even remark at all on the state of the house, and there's definitely no excuse for that, but we figured we'd just write this blog post to let you know that we are grateful, so you can stop worrying that in a collective 50 years of life, we haven't even learned the most basic of manners and common courtesy. In the future, when someone goes out of their way to do something nice, like clean our rooms while we are out partying or at a moot court competition, we'll try to remember what a giant dick move it is to not say thank you.Posted by Hip E. and Shark 11/23/04 12:12am
Slamhogs.
Where do the Slamhogs hang out on Sunday night? Anywhere in Russian Hill? If anyone has an inside track on this we'd appreciate a heads up.
Sunday night was severely disappointing in the Slamhogs department. We left the Jo-Tel around 9:30 on a quest, figuring that there'd at least be one or two filthy Slamhogs lurking about, itching for some touch. I had a pretty great Slamhog pickup line all ready for deployment that involved a DVD Copy of Elf and some leftover egg nog (I'm not being gross. I'm talking about real eggnog):
Me: Hey, do you want to come watch Elf with me? I live just up the street. I have some left-over egg nog
Slamhog: Yes.
It would've worked like a charm had I actually tracked one down, but alas: none at the Buc, none at Kelly's, none at Tonic. The Slamhog proved more wily and elusive than aforethough. Perhaps next time I should bring the PUMA and some Hound Dogs... or stay in on Sunday.
Now I'm going to get the fuck out of here because the fire alarm has been going off for the last 30 minutes.
Posted by PETE 11/22/04 6:56pm
Serverlogic3, Die.
Some of you may have noticed random links popping up all over sites on the internet that start with www.serverlogic3/blah blah blah and if you click on them they take you to some random shopping site related to whatever phrase the link was, like "mini skirt" or "king size dildo" or whatever. It's called adware. How it works I don't know. But I do know how to destroy it. Go here for an explanation and a link to remove the "hyperlinker" software. Nothing funny to see here...
Posted by PETE 11/18/04 1:44am
Saw is Scary and You Should See It
For the record, I saw Saw with Inga and it was easily the scariest movie I've seen in about 5 years. Was it good? Well the dialogue was Horrible and the acting was also Horrible. It took me about 45 minutes to convince myself that that was actually Cary Elwes because while it looked like Cary Elwes, I couldn't believe that he would agree to appear in such a terrible movie. Danny Glover's character and every single thing he says and does is maybe the most embarassing action by a public personality this year. HOWEVER, I think the terrible acting was the whole point. Five minutes into the movie you have realized that the acting completely sucks and that the dialogue is laughable. So you laugh at it. Personally, I was more than happy to laugh at the terrible dialogue because I needed a break in between the scary scenes, which are extremely scary. I go to a horror movie wanting to get scared. It almost never happens. So, I have to recommend this movie. Go pay money and see it. It is a horrible movie compared to Citizen Kane, but it is scary as hell as opposed to recent flops like The Ring, 28 Days Later and The Grudge.
Posted by Hip E. 11/15/04 9:51am
MGD is Terrible and Shitty
Sure, I could go off on a long diatribe about how much I hate Miller Genuine Draft, but I think it would be better illustrated by this vignette, faithfully transcribed from conversation I had at Hobson's Choice about a year ago:Me: <standing at juke box selecting jams>
Girl 1: Excuse me, Hi. I'm ___ and this is ____. How it going?
Me: Uhh... pretty good I mean at least it will be once Run Through The Jungle comes on.
Girl 1: Yeah uhh... listen we were wondering, are you a beer drinker?
Me: Yes I am...
Girl 1: Cool.
Girl 2: What kinds of beer do you like?
Me: I mean basically everything... some more than others but I'm not picky really when it comes to beer.
Girl 1: Well ____ and I work for a beer company and we're looking for people, fun people in the city who like to go out and do things, and we want to film groups of people going out and having fun, and we were wondering if you'd maybe like to participate. We'd provide you and your friends with free beer and then we'd just follow your night with cameras and see what happens.
Me: <trying to maintain> Like... yeah I mean, for what though? Like commercials?
Girl 1: That's the idea if it turns out to be interesting. (which obviously it would have been because we rule)
Me: So I mean, that's it? You give us free beer, which we drink and then we go out anywhere we want-
Girl 2: We'll provide places if you want, like if you want to all go to a club or whatever we'd get you in.
Me: <still skeptical that such a sweet deal has really been offered to us, already thinking of ways not to invite Thrill> Okay... yeah I mean that sounds cool. What beer do you work for?
Girl 1: Miller Genuine Draft!
Me: Uh... is that the only beer you work for?
Girl 1: Yeah...
Me: I mean, not Miller? Not like High Life or Miller Lite?
Girl 1: No. Just MGD. Why?
Me: Uh... because MGD is terrible and I hate it. But um, you should come over here and meet my friends. I'm sure ONE of them likes it.
Girl 2: Well no, enjoy your night.
Me: You too. Look, if you'd said any other beer...
That's right. I turned down tons of free beer and possible infamy on principle because I hate MGD that much. I honestly can't remember the last time I drank it until the Anti-Halloween when it was forced upon me. Little did I know that this would only be the first time in October that MGD and I would cross paths. For the very next weekend it was forced upon me again! I should probably clarify: by "forced" I mean I was presented with a choice of MGD or not drinking... this is no choice at all, ESPECIALLY when you've been drinking already for 3 hours and well, it's only 10, or ESPECIALLY when you show up to a party where you don't know anyone but 2 girls out of like 60 people, one of whom is passed out cold, the other of whom is too drunk to remember you're there, and the dude you came with isn't the most out-going when he's stone sober, which he is because he drove you to Daly City on the intelligence of the two friends who invited you and who described the party thusly: "I think we might leave. There's no hot guys here and it's all hot chicks and they're all in slutty picture mode" and you show up and they were NOT lying and so there you are, having had your last drink an hour ago and this party with no communal booze source... in either of those instances if someone offers you an MGD you fucking take it because it has alcohol in it and that's as far as you can think (see also: my drinking triple sec out of the bottle with no chaser).
Am I proud? No. But it was necessary and I feel fairly confident that now that October is over, I can resume my passionate hatred of MGD with renewed vigor, wiping clean from my mind to inconvenient fact that it helped me out immensely on two separate occasions. Fuck MGD.
Posted by PETE 11/15/04 12:14pm
Danger: CRUNK JUICE!
So Lil' Jon's new album "Crunk Juice" hits stores on Tuesday. I'm extremely excited and will be picking up a copy on vinyl for our party but... well I'm kind of conflicted. Has anyone thought of what might happen if someone were to mix pimp juice with crunk juice? Is it safe? What if they also get their hands on some siz-urp? Will there be any stopping this super playa?I mean imagine if he were let loose in da club? All the skee-Os would, get so low, drop it to the floor so fast, make the booty go clap so thunderously, and there would not be enough glass on which to put 'em. They would wobble wobble to death! If you were to look at him, his icy gleam would freeze you solid instantaneously. Like R. Kelly would say, "It's Chaos!"
Just please! Drink your Crunk Juice responsibly.
Posted by PETE 11/14/04 6:38pm
Bookshelf
(I apologize to Hip E. for removing the picture and links from this post. I had to repost it though a text editor because his work computer is infected with shitty serverlogic3 adware, the current internet pandemic. I tried to find the picture again on amazon but couldn't...sorry)
That's a good-looking book. It's pretty good reading so far too. I read in the bathroom at work. I like the third stall and I'll tell you why. See, I've been reading Proust since May and before that Atlas Shrugged, both of which are like over an inchandahalf thick. When you go into the stall, you have a number of tasks to perform. 1) unbuckle belt. 2) unbutton pants. 3) unzip pants. 4) pull pants down. 5) sit down. Almost all of these things go much, much faster with two hands. But when you're a bathroom reader, you've also got your book to deal with. It can all be very overwhelming. Luckily, the metal fixture that houses the toilet seat covers and the toilet paper sticks out from the stall divider enough that you can put a book on it. However, in your run-of-the-mill 7th floor men's bathroom stall, the toilet paper box only sticks out like maybe 3/4". This is fine if you're reading The Alchemist or some other garbage like that, but Ayn Rand spits on your puny little ledge. (By the way, I hate Ayn Rand.) But Lo! in the third stall the toilet paper box sticks out like three full inches from the wall, making it suitable for almost any literary device or motif. For some reason you can't order 'Pulp' from Amazon.com right now. Okay, yes you can. That's weird cause I found it in Stacey's in downtown SF which is a total cookie-cutter Barnes & Noble type place. Lucky me! It is going to look great next to The Wild Party.
Posted by Hip E. 11/13/04 11:55am
Johnny D, go get me some fucking Sizzler!
Intrepid readers may have noticed that I've removed Johnny D from the Houseguests section of the Jo-Tel Web site. Well that's because he's moved in on the first floor. Now that he's one of them he has a lot to look forward to: destruction of property, controlling Asian girlfriends, needle point. When you're hanging out with the guys from floor one, the fun never stops not starting!
Posted by PETE 11/9/04 8:54pm
There Is No Mandate.
This is the best of the election maps. Better even than the "Jesusland" map that got popular and then hackneyed even faster than Hey Crackhead.
Posted by Hip E. 11/8 10:00am
Scientology is a Krazy Looney-Tunes Cult.
I'm an amateur Scientology buff, and you can take it from me that the rumors are true. Scientology is an insane, ridiculous pile of bullshit which is designed to take money from people. Seriously, if you believe in Scientology, you are an idiot. This biography of L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology and author of all its "technology," is one of the most fascinating things I have ever read (skip the first chapter about his ancestors). Scientology is truly evil. Fuck Scientology.
Joy of Creating Music - CD
These songs from L. Ron Hubbard are performed by Doug E. Fresh, Edgar Winter, Isaac Hayes, Chick Corea, Carl Anderson, Elena Roggero, Shannon Star Roberts, Pamela Falcon, L.J. Jackson, Howard McCrary and the Golden Era Musicians.
Includes the title song, We're Going Up While The World Goes Down, The Sum of Man, From Sea of Dreams, Theta, Theta, See You Later, Stamboul, Blue Endless Sea, Song of the Bard, The Love of a Man and more. Get the Joy of Creating and splurge on it! [I didn't make that up; that's really the pitch for this CD on their website - Ed.]
Posted by Hip E. 11/8 6:66am
Bush's Reelection: The Role of Religion
Ok, I'm starting to get frustrated. I had typed a good deal of well thought-out evaluations of the Bush presidency and then began to consider the reasons for his victory. However, the "Editme Software" logged me out after 30 minutes and immediately erased my writing. I'm getting tired of getting slapped in the face. Let me, now, just get to the pith of what I wanted to say (you, dear reader, will have to turn to your own intelligence to realize why Bush performed poorly as President, as I choose not be re-write than segment).
Why did Bush win? Two reasons.
- Reason #1 Ignorance: Exit polls show that those people who believed that Iraq had nothing to do with terrorism or 9/11 voted overwhelming for Kerry. Those people who believe that Iraq and terrorism were related voted overwhelmingly for Bush. Sadam had nothing to do with 9/11. He did not like bin Laden and there is zero evidence the two were partners in any way. More generally, Sadam did not have the organization, resources (unlike North Korea), or desire to wage a terrorist war against America. The reality is that those who were duped by Bush's word play and time-association strategies are simply less perceptive and lack an ability to critically evaluate received information.
- Reason #2 Religion: Exit polls revealed that the most important issue for voters were "moral issues", a big one being gay marriage. Bush came out strongly opposed. Kerry came out marginally opposed. As a result of the still pervasive influence of religion in America, a vast majority of voters preference Bush's strong stance. For those voters, the strength of their desire to abridge the rights of homosexuals led them to ignore Bush's other failures. Is that suprising? Religion is by definition a metaphysical devotion that rises above secular considerations. The message recieved from those religious voters is clear: "My religion leads me to look down upon homosexuals and endorse a president who has sacrificed thousands of lives in a misguided war. My religion leads me to appose a women's right to chose and to forclose future medical inroads that might be attained by stem-cell research. My approval of the President Bush's religiousity overshadows my distaste for the adverse effect his economic policies (or lack thereof) have had on my everyday life. God Bless America!"
Most of my friends are aitheists or agnostics. But there is a still a division between those that view religion as dangerous and those that view religion as wrong, but innocuous. Hopefully, if this election does anything, it will reveal to those in the latter camp the harsh reality of religion and its effect of American decision making. As bad a George W. Bush is, the more dangerous and more pervasive enemy is religion.
Posted by Shark 11/3 11:50am
I Fucking Hate Daylight Savings Time So Fucking Bad
So yeah, unless Bush wins tomorrow I can safely mark Sunday as my least favorite day of the year. I fucking hate Daylight Savings so fucking bad. Yeah yeah we get an extra hour to sleep or party or do whatever, which is great for the instant gratification crowd except you know... it gets dark at 5 every fucking day for the next 5 months. I get off work at 6, so it's pitch black by that time... did I mention my office has no windows? So basically for the next few months I'm going to be a bigger asshole that I usually am because I'll be seeing the sun for about 30 minutes a day...
Hey! Farmers. Days getting short as the winter months creep up on us? You want some extra time to harvest your crops? Here's an idea: WAKE UP WHEN THE SUN RISES NO MATTER WHAT TIME IT IS! That way you'll get to use all the daylight, and you'll get the added satisfaction of not pissing everyone off! Daylight Savings is, and always has been totally useless. It doesn't magically create extra daylight and it doesn't save anybody shit. So what gives? Can we spread the word to the farmers that there are inventions called alarm clocks, which have made roosters obsolete? That's right... you can save everybody a whole lot of hassle AND if your best fighting cock just got killed, now you have a back-up!
Also, for idiots like me the extra hour doesn't even do us any good, because after the "glorious" realization that we actually woke up at 2:30pm instead of a slightly less depressing 3:30, we don't bother to fix our alarm clocks (which we obviously don't have a need for on Sunday) so that on Monday we wake up tired and miserable and arrive at work a full hour early, thus effectively erasing the hour "gained" on Sunday morning... This happens to me every fucking year by the way. Be it work, class, a date (presumably), whatever, I arrive an hour early and wind up spending my extra hour carefully analyzing the fact that I'm a huge gimp who could at this point, still be asleep. Interestingly enough, when it comes time to "spring forward" I'm never late to anything.
DARKNESS!
Posted by PETE 11/1/04 7:04pm
More Hot Shit
Comments:
From Thrill [198.199.50.215] - 12/9/04 9:33 PM
From Hip E's Girlfriend [64.12.116.69] - 12/7/04 12:30 AM
More than "acceptable," PETE. Both quantity and quality.
That is all.
From Kyle [198.199.50.215] - 12/2/04 5:34 PM
From Hip E. [208.2.28.132] - 11/16/04 7:28 PM
From PETE [198.199.50.215] - 11/16/04 6:26 PM
From Kyle [64.81.50.150] - 11/15/04 4:46 PM
From The Big Kat [199.43.32.25] - 11/10/04 12:35 PM
Comment on this Page
Last Modified 2/3/06 1:00 AM
All of it, Inga.