jo-tel - THE JO-TEL ... ...

Being Unemployed with Hip E.

So I got back from Portland on Monday. My first day of unemployment was basically spent getting back to San Francisco from Portland and being slightly sick. As sick as I ever get anyways.

PETE: Okay where are we going to go, seriously. What I'm not doing is not going out.

shArk: You mean what you are doing is not going out.

PETE: ... No. I mean I'm going out.

shArk: Right. But right now what you're doing is not going out.

PETE: Right, but I'm not going to not go out.

We catch the action in medias res. Shark, Patsy, Hip E. and PETE are in the living room drinking and not talking about where they should go out, but instead talking about how Jay should stop dating bike messengers.

Shark [to PETE]: Well maybe if you didn't take an hour to get ready we would be out right now.

PETE: I didn't take an hour.

Shark: Oh! Let me look into my crystal ball and divine why you took so long. After taking your shower you sat at your computer for a while downloading porn, and then-

PETE: I didn't download porn. I had to shave.

Shark: PETE! Look me in the eyes and tell me that at no point when you were downstairs did you download porn.

PETE: I didn't download any porn. Shark, I have so much porn. I don't need to download any more.

Shark: But don't you hate having to watch the same porn over and over again?

PETE: As I said, I have 30 gigs of porn [note: having checked I exaggerated. I only have 15 gigs] By the time I get to the end of my porn I forgot what was at the beginning.

Shark: Yeah but all your porn is [make face indicating annoyed indifference]. Ehh.

PETE: Shark, I have some great stuff on there. I have chicks with gaping assholes jamming two cocks in there at once.

Shark: ... ... Well that sounds pretty good.

Patsy: Eewwwwwwwuh! Marrrrrrk.

Shark: What Patsy? I like my porn to be engaging. I like hardcore ass reaming, yes. And I like chicks who are down to swallow the cum of like, four dudes at once. What?

Patsy: Yeah and I bet they get a big stomach ache afterwards!

PETE: [spits Jack Daniels on his sweet new GAP sweater]

Posted by PETE lets say... 11/30/05 at sunset

Aliens Recreate Tom Cruise "Today" Interview

The Cruise's words sound so much more reasonable coming from a cartoon alien than from his weaselly, zombie-like grill.

Posted by Hip E. 2005-11-21 14:57:36

Kazakhs Crack Down On Hilarity

Posted by Hip E. 2005-11-18 09:51:52

South Park Blows ... My Mind

The great Americans at South Park have done it again. They just absolutely destroyed Scientology last night in an episode that made the Dumb Dumb Joseph Smith episode look like an LDS-backed hagiography. The key thing here

As I commented on Monday on the official South Park bulletin board, the key questions are these: How long will it take Scientology to sue Comedy Central, and What is Big-Time Scientologist Isaac Hayes - the voice of Chef - going to do about this? I bet he is having a very busy day, along with everyone in the Scientology Office of Special Affairs (OSA). Needless to say, I was wetting my pants with glee throughout the entire episode. Especially the part when Stan is making up the crazy new levels of Scientology and the President of Scientology is going "Yes, okay, good..." and then Stan is like "...and Scientologists won't have to pay for services anymore, because you can't be a real religion if you charge for your services." And the guy flips out. O, it was sweet.

If you saw the episode and are skeptical about the "THIS IS WHAT SCIENTOLOGISTS ACTUALLY BELIEVE" part, you can see the "Operating Thetan III" story here, in L. Ron's own insane handwriting. Wow, what a nutcase.

Posted by Hip E. 2005-11-17 09:34:13

Clever Boy, Shark

Fuck up the site just so I'll finally come here and post something. Well it worked, but now my mind is awash in ideas and I just can't decide what to post about. Hmm...

* Arrested Development didn't get cancelled, exactly. More accurately Fox just opted not to pick up the last 9 episodes of the 3rd season. A full season is 22 episodes so 13 have been made and they will air all of them... in December. The first season was actually short too (18 episodes). The only rumor I've heard is that Showtime might pick them up, which would be cool because then they could swear and maybe even have a soft core porn episode starring, well Alia Shawkat, Charlize Theron, Portia DiRossi, Shannon Tweed and Julie Strain... and the actress who played Gob's spicy latin girlfriend, Marta. You get where I'm going with this. Kitchen Confidential on the other hand? THEY got cancelled.

* I never said anything about the White Sox Winning the World Series. Since I still haven't stopped orgasming I can't really collect my thoughts, but I will say that I now understand Jerry Reinsdorf (owner of the Sox and the Chicago Bulls - that's a basketball team for all you female readers out there) when he said that he would trade all six Bulls championships for one World Series victory. I actually have a lot to say about this so maybe I'll wait on it.

* Scientology episode of South Park last night amongst the best ever. I'll let Hip E. handle this one.

* Skateboarding is fun. Hip E. and I can both now ollie over one deck, which technically speaking means we can ollie up onto curbs. This is huge, as it means that we are on par with most 7-year-olds who have been skating for 3 weeks and probably also Stephen from Laguna Beach! The one thing we don't have over little kids is their ability to heal fast. Right now I can't really sleep on my side... or my other side. I also have trouble sitting and standing. SKATE OR DIE!!!!

* Laguna Beach Season 2 Finale sucked ass. I don't know what I expected, but I didn't expect a lot of whiney bitches crying about moving 30 MINUTES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!! The whole episode was just a montage of every character saying "It's weird" over and over again to different people. Next season looks pretty weak, but LC's show The Hills will most likely be watched. We're already placing bets as to whether the PUMA will show up in an episode. [LC and Heidi standing on the street in Westwood trying to hail a cab. PUMA comes stumbling out of a bar, drink still in hand, bleeding from the head] PUMA: Holy Shit! LC! LC come here... LC... LC... Are you cool? Obviously not. I thought you were cool LC. LC come here. [PUMA headbuts LC] LC are you mad at me?" That should be awesome.

* Last night's Daily Show had a Moment Of Zen that actually zenned the shit out of me. It was footage from the birthday party for this tortoise that's 175 years old, making him the world's oldest living creature that isn't some dumb ass tree. They showed all these people standing around real quiet while some zooperson lit the candles on a tortoise-shaped cake. I felt this calm wash over me as I thought to myself: "Holy shit that tortoise is realy fucking old." Ommmmmmmmmmmm. Think on these things.

Posted by PETE 2005-11-17 09:23:55

Arrested Development Cancelled

After shoving TV's best sitcom into a horendous timeslot, Fox has now officially cancelled Arrested Development. There is now no reason to watch television anymore. As such, I am boycotting all television for the next month in protest. Take that ~~Fox~~ world!

Posted by Shark 2005-11-14 08:40:03

"This Is the Worst Day of My Life": A Jo-tel Exclusive, Pre-Empted by Reid, but Updated with New, Post Shitter-Flood Details

It was turning out to be a lackluster Saturday: sitting on the coach, getting moderately drunk, watching Cal lose - pretty typical actually. This all changed when Rafael and his friends, including a gaggle of giggly girls, showed up (well, actually, not much changed, we were still on the coach, we were still watching Cal loose (although getting nicely distracted) ... maybe we were getting drunk faster ... yeah, that was it, that changed). Despite the atypical Saturday afternoon appearance of females at the Jo-tel, in hindsight the most entertaining member of this group was actually a dude (hereinafter "Dude"). At the time he walked in, he might have already pooed his pants. The chronology is not certain. You see, after we had been hanging around for a while, Reid and the Dude went to get more beer. According to Reid, on their way to the liquor store, the Dude apparently felt a sense of comrodery with Reid and decided to tell him that he had farted poo into his boxers earlier in the day. Again, it's unclear how long Dude's boxers had been coated with fart-poo, but various onlookers recall him scratching his ass and crotch area at various points throughout the afternoon.

Things started to visibly go bad for Dude when the girl he was with pinched him on the back of the leg. Now, at first I thought this girl was Dude's girlfriend (maybe this was because I notice him resting his head lovingly on her shoulder). It turns out, however, that Dude was just visiting from San Diego (and the shoulder love was awkward and unwelcome). Him and the girl, Savanna, had had a drunken wedding fling some time back. He was visiting SF in hopes of rekindling that flame. As we shall see, however, sticky sex and sticky poo do not mix (and I've long since deleted "The Chamber of Whorers").

So Dude gets pissed when he gets pinched. Sort of lame, but whatever. Meanwhile the Jo-tel is getting drunk off the huge bottle of Jager that he purchased (half of which Reid spilled on the floor and subwoofer trying to make iced shots) and didn't really care about this side-spectacle - besides, there was a game to be lost by Cal! Dude's pissed though, so he half-heartedly throws a water bottle at Savanna's leg. She escalates by throwing a large water bottle directly at Dude's face. And it makes serious contact with his left cheek. He becomes rabid. By this point, Cal QB Joe Ayoob had already blown the game by overthrowing a wide open received by 7 yards. We were playing video games and fixing to head to Chevy's for discount food. Dude refuses to cooperate because he's so pissed and him and Savana are talking things over in the bathroom. I, realizing that they are in the bathroom, decide to reprise my famous "Jo-tel Shimmy", which involves me crawling out the window and bracing myself over the ledge to peer into the bathroom. This turned out to be unnecessary because the bathroom window, which boasts a much less precarious vantage point, but which I had originally factored out because it was painted shut about six months ago by the utterly incompetent house painter hired by our landlord Candace (Ching), actually (by act of God (read: science)) opened when Reid pressed with only marginal force on a window that both him and I had been throwing our entire weight against for the last six months in hope of opening. So I easily peered into the open bathroom window where Savana and Dude were fighting. Dude ran out when he saw us. We found out later that Dude had been crying. You see, Dude, contrary to his hopes, had not been getting any ass that weekend. The water bottle to the face may have pushed him over the top.

We continue our tale with a frustrating scene of flirty argumentation. Savanna and Dude are in the kitchen trying to iron things out. Despite several drunken mediation attempts by me ("drunken aggression happens all the time, let's harness that energy and go to Chevy's!"), I could not get either on board for Chevy's. My drunkenness was just beginning to wear off when they agreed to leave. Savanna, Dude, Rachel and I proceed to Chevy's where we believed that we would be greeted with fat discounts on account that both Raf and a girl that he knows were working (as bartender and waitress respectively) that night. During the pre-meal conversation, Dude is painfully reticent, while Savanna is acting normal. Then the food comes. While Dude was in the bathroom (cleaning poo?), Savanna had ordered a large combo platter for both her and Dude. Reid and I also shared a combo platter. Reid has really nice eyes. However, while Reid and I we sharing voraciously, Dude refused to eat. "I haven't eaten anything yet today, why start now?" he posits. Savanna becomes visibly frustrated by Dude's enigmatic response. We found out later that Dude had been a chubby kid - perhaps this explains his fear of the bountiful Chevy's lard platter. Or perhaps he feared the inevitable effect of Mexican beans on his already unstable gastro-intestinal system. Either way, dude was not being social. In fact, he insisted on muttering epithets at Savanna throughout the meal ("bitch", "fucking stupid slut"). This was awkward.

Then suddenly Savanna slams four dollars down and leaves. Dude plays it cool, telling us what a bitch she is, then, a few minutes later, leaves to chase after said bitch. Savanna, however, has merely gone outside to smoke a cigarette. When she sees Dude leave, she returns to the table. We then received our check only to notice that our fat discount has manifested itself as a $1.60 reduction in the price of Rachel's quesadilla. Not exactly hooked up like a tow truck.

We decide to walk back to our apartments. On the way, Reid spilled the beans about how Dude spilled the beans into his boxers earlier. Savanna is revolted. She also tells us that she has made an extra key to her apartment for Dude. At which point, I remember Rashamon and, looking at the situation for the perspective of Toshima Mifune's (rapine?) barbarian, I think, "It seems like she really led this dude on. She may not have been ambiguous at all that she wanted to do it to him. I would probably be pissed if I were him too. Of course, if I were him, I wouldn't have shat my pants...."

We arrive at Savanna's place (where we had all somehow tacitly agreed to go). Upon entering we find signs of Dude. His shorts are on the ground, partially soaked. Various theories were bandied about: "Look at the poo - there's so much of it!" "He must have cleaned the poo off!" "Let's drink beers!" Then Dude came in, hair still wet from the shower. We chilled for a bit. It was monumentally awkward. Dude tried to interact nonchalantly. None of us could manage ... it was difficult to not laugh. Plus, rap music was dominating the iTunes. Bleh!

Rachel got up to go to the bathroom. From the hall we heard her cries. "Oh my god, Savanna," Rachel looks back into the room, "There's a ton of water in the hall." Savanna pauses, then walks into the hall. She's says nothing. "What is it?" Reid asks. Dude is silent. Then I go out into the hall. "There's a shit-ton of water out there," I report. Dude then gets off the bed and heads towards the hallway with a strangely feigned expression of frustration that he, of all people, has to deal with one of Savanna's problems. Savanna implores Dude to shut off the water. He wades through the flood in the hallway and starts messing with the toilet. Meanwhile, Savanna looks into the bathtub and finds every towel in the house (decorative/frilly towels included) soaking wet with murky (yuk!) water in the bathtub. "Rachel, come here... What the fuck is this?" Savanna turns to Dude, fiddling with the toilet. "[Dude], what the fuck is this." "What?" Dude responds, trying to swallow the embarrassment and formulate an escape plan at the same time. "This. All these towels!" "Dude," Dude responds, standing up, "They're - I - the bathroom was totally flooded when I came in so I had used them to clean it up. It was crazy, I didn't know what to do."

Let's take a step back. As soon as this occured, everyone formulated their own theories as to what happened. Dude had arrived home. He released a volatile stream of poo into Savanna's shitter. Said load of poo clogged the shitter. Dude used every towel in the house to clean up the overflowed poo poo water. Then he got into the shower to clean off his filthy ass. That much is clear. The following events are less certain:

1. Dude's Hunger Strike. My theory is that the REAL reason why Dude did not want to eat at Chevy's was because his small intestine was full of riotous poo and, in his disturbed state, his stomach was queasy. His flight home proved opportune because the kind of shit that he had stored up required a post-shit shower.

2. Dude's Wet Pants. Some think that the wet spot on Dude's shorts that we noticed when we arrived at the apartment came from Dude trying to clean the shit splatters that he had deposited earlier in the day. However, I disagree. You see, Dude was wearing boxers. If anything got soiled it was his boxers. No. I think that Dude slipped on the first flood in the hallway and soaked his pants. This is bolstered by something that happened during the second flood: Dude slipped hardcore. I didn't witness it but according to Rachel his feet flew into the air and he totally bit it, gouging his back on a nail head protruding from the wall. First, this reveals that Dude was prone to slipping. Second, it explains why, after what was probably his second poo-water slip of the evening, he admitted under his breath, but within my range of hearing: "This is the worst day of my life."

3. Dude's Intentions. My interpretation has always been that Dude flooded the toilet and ruined the towels and knew - he had to know - that Savanna would find out. I mean, it's tough to hide something like, "I ruined every single towel in your apartment." He didn't expect us, though, to all come back to the apartment. When this sunk in, he obviously didn't want to deal with admitting the foregoing events in front of all those people. His fervant hope: that Savanna would not notice the towels, we'd all go out, Savanna would fall for him again, they'd aggressively do it to each other that night, and, then, in the post-sex glow of the morning, he'd tell her about the towels - hell, he might even come clean about the poo. The only problem: the poo proved too strong. The toilet taketh and toilet floodeth back. And Dude, forced, like a poo-flinging monkey, into a corner, told his story about the mysteriously overflowing toilet. But the lie was plain. Toilets do not spontaneously overflow.

4. "I'm Going to Kill You." Reid, Rachel and I were sitting by the stairs in the hall, ready to take off, when I realized I had forgotten my Hip E's jacket. I quietly crept back into the flooded apartment. While I was grabbing the jacket I noticed that Dude had brought out a tiny kitchen towel that he had somehow missed during the first flood. Savanna sees this and says, "[Dude], what the fuck are you doing." "Cleaning." "Not with the dish towel. You're a fucking idiot." As soon as I returned to the hallway, some random guy from up the stairs (totally unrelated to our group) yells in a serious tone, "I'm going to kill you!" at someone on the second floor. We bolt out the apartment.

So here's the final development - the strange denouement - that Reid did not - nay, could not - tell you about. All along Dude had a flight scheduled for Sunday morning. When Sunday morning reared its merciful head, Savanna awoke to wake Dude up and get him out of her house. He continued to sleep. "Oh," he lifted his head up in a daze, "I didn't tell you, I changed my flight to Wednesday, so we could spend more time together, I thought I told you." "No," Savanna replied, "you never told me, and it is so not cool, I need some SAVANNA TIME." "Oh, well," he turned over again in her bed to get more comfortable, "the flight is already changed, there's nothing I can do now." According to Rafael, Dude had been toying with the idea of postponing his departure, hopefully in order to prolong the ecstasy of his visit. Dude's decision to try to stay for three more days with Savanna (after all of the shit - ha) made me realize that not only does Dude Johnny D things up like none other, but he's also bat-shit crazy.

Savanna then told him, emphatically, that he could not stay with her. Dude then calls his only other friend in Bay Area, in Sonoma. Savanna drove him there in silence. When she returned home, she went on a date with some another guy - one that, I assume, does not poo his pants. As for Dude, he can take consolation in the fact that, before we left for Chevy's, I made a data CD for him filled with great music. Rock on, Dude!

Posted by Shark 2005-11-13 21:36:19

Americans : Cognitive Dissonance :: Hotdogs : Baseball

In Dover, PA, a judge is currently considering a lawsuit filed by parents against the local school district after the district voted to downplay Evolution and include "Intelligent Design" in their Science curriculum. Arguments concluded on November 4th and a verdict is expected by January. On Tuesday, however, all eight of the school board members who supported the inclusion of "Intelligent Design" lost in their bids to remain on the board. And this is in a district that is 70% Republican. It was a sublime victory for Science education and Truth. Here's what Pat Robertson had to say about it on The 700 Club: (video: broadband, dial-up)

Pretty much speaks for itself. The reason I brought this up is that I think a lot of people in places like Portland and San Francisco have no concept of the scope of retrograde thinking that is taking place in America on this subject. It's easy for a lot of people in these parts to dismiss Pat Robertson as kind of a wacko who doesn't represent any of the religious people they know. But here's the thing: it's only because we live in the most progressive place in America that we have that impression. Pat Robertson was one of the people Karl Rove called to beg for their blessings when Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers started running into trouble. He is a very powerful man. And yet, he's kuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Unsatisfied with mere conjecture, I looked it up. Definitely check out this site, it's an eye-opening rundown of polling on the subjects of Evolution, Creationism, and Intelligent Design. The bottom line: Polls show that about 45-55% of America believes that God created the universe and life on this planet in six days like it says in the bible. Meanwhile, in one poll, people were asked in turn whether they thought Evolution was true, and whether they thought Creationism was true. 55% thought Evolution was true, while 58% thought Creationism was true. Huh? I attribute this confusion to the pervasive taboo against talking about the factual claims of religion - a taboo I run into head first over and over again. Anyway, these polls are from THIS YEAR. Now, I know that sometimes I go along on my merry way, thinking that what I'm saying is completely innocuous, only to find out later that everyone thinks I'm being a huge asshole. But in this case I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track. About half of the country, in 2005, thinks God created the universe in 6 days like it says in the bible. That's crazy, right? Cause either that's crazy, or I'm crazy.

Posted by Hip E. 2005-11-10 14:00:15

Election Lessons Learned

At least 3,920,487 Californians either do not read the Jo-tel, or else read the Jo-tel and do not obey my every command. It's a sad day for democracy. Just kidding. Overall I am pleased with the results. I just wish Arnold hadn't backed Prop. 77, because if he hadn't I think a lot more people would have voted for it. Oh well. On a serious note, I didn't post that Voter Guide to tell you all how to vote. It was purely for novelty and information purposes.

Posted by Hip E. 2005-11-09 11:21:31

Jo-tel Voter Guide

The special election is today and I've spend the morning trying to figure out how I'm going to vote. Here's what I've decided, with my confidence in my decision represented by font:

73 - NO - Waiting Period and Parental Notification Before Termination of Minor's Pregnancy.
          Puts vulnerable teenagers in harm's way.
          *UPDATE* - Questions from readers lead me to say a little more on this one. The main reasons I'm against this are:
          A) According to the rebuttal to the official argument in favor, "THE CALIFORNIA SUPREME COURT, looking at the experience of other states with similar laws, CONCLUDED THAT THE EVIDENCE 'OVERWHELMINGLY' SHOWS THESE LAWS DO NOT SUPPORT FAMILIES, BUT IN FACT, PUT TEENAGERS IN DANGER." (emphasis in original)
          B) It adds language to the State Constitution defining abortion as causing "death of the unborn child, a child conceived but not yet born."

74 - NO - Public School Teachers. Waiting Period for Permanent Status. Dismissal.
          I went back and forth on this, but I think Arnold is just using this as a cudgel against the Teachers' Union for loudly opposing his agenda.

75 - NO - Public Employee Union Dues. Restricitons on Political Contributions. Employee Consent Requirement.
          Corporations already outspend unions something like 23 to 1. This would make that imbalance worse.

76 - NO - State Spending and School Funding Limits.
          Gives the executive branch too much power.

77 - YES - Redistricting.
          As discussed below, this will strike a blow against one of the biggest shortcomings of American democracy.

78 - NO - Discounts on Prescription Drugs.
          This is the one that is supported by the evil drug companies {scary maniacal laugh}.

79 - PICK'EM - Prescription Drug Discounts. State-Negotiated Rebates.
          This is the other drug one. I'm sure it would help some people, but it would also probably cost lots of money.

80 - NO - Electric Service Providers. Regulation.
          This one is confusing. The Chronicle is against it and apparently it would make it harder to advance the cause of environmentally-friendly power.

Posted by Hip E. 2005-11-08 12:54:09

I Was Wrong

This is how God decides when it's going to rain. (Turn down your speaker volume) Courtesy of this guy.

Posted by Hip E. 2005-11-08 09:47:42

Reflective Sunday Walk Extravaganza: This Weekend Will Never End

On Sunday, come rain, shine, or mist, I enjoy taking long walks on foot through the city. I feel that if I get up early on Sunday and just start walking, there's no WAY that the weekend will ever end. I usually embark on these trips by first heading straight down Broadway and admiring the million dollar properties. On a sunny day, their perfectly trimmed and impossibly contained front hedges are marvelous as one consumes his or her first beer. Then I usually turn the proverbial corner toward Height Street, where the centrifugal force of Amoeba Music (whose only moderately comprehensive music selection, far from deterring me, lures me toward the prospect of feeling lucky to find the likes of Lightning Bolt or Fennesz among its inventory (using Insound would be too easy and deprive me of this thrill) or, at "worst," being able to "lament" that my tastes are less mainstream than even those of the Amoeba buyers, tattooed on their hands as they probably are) pulls me by the belt buckle that I am not wearing. At Amoeba I spend too much money on music and movies. Then I leave and head to Safeway on Height were I purchase stuff like ham and 24-once beers and then proceed to Golden Gate Park. There I drink my second beer and write a few choice paragraphs in something like - say - my novella Red Hill Mining Town (don't worry, nobody will read it). Then I'll think thoughts like, "Hey I should dedicate this story 'To the Happy Few.'" Then I read a chapter of a book (this time it was Stendahl) and move on. My legs are getting tired now as I head home so I stop at a park and drink a beer while reading another chapter of my book. At this point I usually woo a yuppie chick walking a dog or something and, with my charm, find my way into her apartment where I do it to her and stuff. By the time I leave it is dusk and I head towards home. I admire the view - even if it's foggy. The music selection on this last leg is important. I'm drunk, so the target is not tiny, but, still, one has to pick something with emotive value (I wouldn't recommend The Blood Brothers, for instance). Approaching my apartment, I'm usually filled with thoughts about how I will treat all of my friends differently and how my life will change forever. When I get home, though, I usually just act drunk and salty as usual.

Posted by Shark 2005-11-07 14:42:24

Wet Hot American Summer: You Suck!

I just watched Wet Hot American Summer. The movie sucked. I'll try to keep this short. The movie sucked. If you like this movie, there is a 97% chance that you were a thespian in high school and "did" a lot of improv comedy classes and workshops. Yes, I am talking to you, David Ansen of Newsweek. If you are a former thespian and you don't like this movie then you may still be salvageable. If you are a non-thespian who liked this movie, then maybe you didn't notice that the movie was rated R, was about summer camp, was full of dirty language, had a scene of intense drug abuse, had a scene where an empty can of green beans said "I can suck my own dick and I do it a lot", had a scene where that guy from VH1 graphically nails a dude from behind in the tool shed, AND YET, DID NOT HAVE ANY BOOBS IN IT!!!!!!

Posted by Hip E. 2005-11-04 16:35:28

How to Always Win at "Thumbs Up 7-Up" and Other Advices

On this rainy and cold day I am reminded of a classic activity that teachers and coaches would have us elementary school kids play during rainy days in lieu of outdoor activities: Thumbs Up 7-Up. If anyone ever finds themselves engaged in this classic game, here's a tip on how to always win:

If you're a guy, the key is to touch the thumb as daintily as possible. The result will be that the person who's thumb you touched will never guess that it was you, a male. If you are a girl, the opposite applies - touch the thumb harshly, as if trying to prove your might. This strategy has a very high rate of success.

Now, let's pull back for a second and analyze Thumbs Up 7-Up more critically. Is it really a victory to not get picked out? Think about it. If you get caught, you sit back down, at which point you can essentially sleep with your head down. The only thing you have to do is lift your head momentarily to intentionally choose the wrong person and then return to your dreamy nap-bound reveries. I think the answer depends on your mood. However, if you are in the sleepy mode, BE CAREFUL. One of the thumb-touchers may be employing my aforementioned winning strategy. In that case, your attempt to pick an obviously incorrect toucher might lead you to the very toucher that you were trying to avoid! My only tip is to look for a toucher with a wry or shit-eating grin. This very well may be a toucher employing the aforementioned strategy.

Finally, if you harbor an amorous crush towards one of the heads-down participants, I would advise you not to try to cop a quick thumb feel by choosing to touch that person's thumb. First, from a purely pragmatic standpoint, if you are trying to win, you will surely be detected. Second, you'll look lame. I know this from experience.

Posted by Shark 2005-11-04 11:29:51

Jo-tel Voter's Guide to the Special Statewide Election

The problem is not not knowing things. It is not not not knowing that which it is that you do not not know and whatnot.
-Nobody ever said this.

After receiving numerous requests from our constituents, we at the Jo-tel are providing a guide to the special election so that our constituents won't have to think for themselves should they choose to vote on Tuesday, November 8. If you like to get naked in bars, or like it when other people do, then read our guide and vote with us!

Prop. 77
Redistricting. Initiative Constitutional Amendment.
The Jo-tel Says: *VOTE YES*

This is the big one. Actually I don't know anything about the other Propositions yet, but if this installment takes off maybe I can get Shark to write about the exciting, breathtaking Prop. 80, "Electric Service Providers. Regulation."

Currently in California, as in most states (all states?), the legislative districts are redrawn every ten years, after the census, by the state legislature. This means that whichever party is in charge after the census gets to jerry-rig the voting districts to consolidate their own likely voters while splitting up the opposition party's voters into small, manageable chunks. This is a bad way to do things. The only way this system could be worse is if this reapportionment were to take place every time the balance of power switched from one party to the other instead of every ten years. That is what happened in Texas in 2003 - one of the most disgusting political power-grabs in American history. [FN1]

Proposition 77 amends the constitution to remove the state legislature a degree or two away from the power to choose their own legislative districts. If 77 passes, the task of redistricting will pass to a panel of three independent judges.

Obviously, the whole enterprise rests on how the panel of judges is selected. This fact was the outcome of a loud, drunken conversation with Linda and her lawyer friend from the First Amendment Project last weekend. It all depends on how the panel is selected.

I have reviewed the proposition, and I have determined that the selection process is fair and unlikely to result in a blatantly partisan panel. This is taken directly from the voter guide:

The main problems with 77 from the Jo-tel's perspective are that, since Democrats have about a 2/3rds majority in the California legislature, Democrats are likely to post a net loss of seats in the next election under a less-partisan district map. Oh well. That's the price of fairness. A similar initiative is on the ballot this fall in Ohio, only that one is supported by Democrats who will gain power in the short term and opposed by the power-hungry Republicans. Let's not be like those Republicans.

Second, there is this analysis that I found on DailyKos.com that states that the requirement that the districts be "compact" amounts to a de facto Republican bias in the amendment. I'll let you consider his argument for yourself. To me, it is unconvincing.

This is a great opportunity for progressive, reform-minded liberals to institute positive change in California government while setting a good example for and the fact that many Republicans and Ahnold support the measure for their own narrow political gain means that they cannot accuse Dems of partisan purposes behind supporting this initiative.

FN1 - A Recap:
2001 - The Texas legislature is controlled by Dems. Post-census redistricting process begins. Dems and GOP can't agree on compromise. Dems have simple majority that technically allows them to push their map through, but adhere to the tradition requiring 2/3rds supermajority, thereby sending the redistricting to the judicial branch. A 3-judge federal panel finally chooses an incumbent-friendly map to be used in the 2002 elections. These elections give a slight majority to Republicans.
2003 - Tom DeLay (U.S. Congressional Representative for Texas) decides to re-redistrict Texas, a blatant transgression against the time-honored decennial redistricting timetable. Without the 2/3rds majority that the Dems had observed in 2001, DeLay instructs the State Republican Delgates to go forward with only the simple majority. Republican Governor Rick Perry furthers the cause by calling several special sessions of congress. State Dem Reps, seeing the naked power-grab for what it is, actually leave the state so that the legislature will not have the quorum needed for the vote to go through. DeLay, giddy with power, at one point calls in a favor to the newly created Department of Homeland Security, asking to use their resources to track the movements of a private jet carrying several of the fleeing Democratic delegation. Basically, it was insane. But at the same time coldly calculated to accomplish what it eventually did accomplish - the gerrymandering of Texas in order to net four more Republican representatives in the U.S. Congress, of which DeLay was the Majority Leader until last week. Those were the only four congressional seats the Republicans netted in the entire country in 2004.

Posted by Hip E. 2005-11-04 11:48:06

Down in Plames or: An Imaginary Rent Conversation with Political Undertones or: "I Will Try To Reach Count Westwest by Telephone" or: How to Write Titles Like Sufjan Stevens

At the Castle the telephone system seems to work extremely well; I've been told the telephones there are in constant use. Here on our local telephones we hear that constant telephoning as murmering and singing, you must have heard it too. Well, this murmering and singing is the only true and reliable thing that the local telephones convey to us, everything else is deceptive.
-- Kafka, The Castle [full quote here]

White House Press Secretary Scott McLellan held another press "conference" yesterday about the Plame leak. All along we've been hearing how the White House will make a statement once the special prosecutor's investigation provided information. Now that Fitzgerald has indicted Libby, McLellan still refuses to say anything. This whole dynamic is amazing. "I'm the guy who's going to be able to talk to you. Unfortunately for you, my strongest asset is my ability to use meaningless jargon and excuses to say absolutely nothing and then act indignant that the press is being so dogged in trying to get answers." It reminds me of one of Kafka's bureaucratic nightmares (in the surreal meaninglessness yet maddening complexity of the entire process) or an episode of Lost (because it's bad).

When I arrive home this evening, Hip E will approach me about various issues regarding bills and rent. And we will resolve them quickly. But what if I acted like Scott McLellan? Hmmm…. [cue dream sequence haze]:

Posted by Shark 2005-11-01 19:49:57

John McCain

Wow. John McCain just almost blew my mind. I was watching Charlie Rose (yes, on Halloween. ... I know.) and McCain is astoundingly good. He is really smart, and he's really well spoken, and he's almost completely genuine. It's shocking that there are so few people like him in the upper reaches of our government. I pretty much agreed with just about everything he said, and the things that I disagreed with him on were at least based on fairly cogent reasoning and actual consideration. Basically, I think I would vote for him. I had been watching in amazement for about a half hour when Darwin came up. McCain has a new book out - sort of like Profiles in Courage [or whatever] - and Darwin is one of the people featured in it. He talked a little about Darwin and he was cool. Then Rose, facing the table while looking straight up through his bushy eyebrows, asked him about the "Intelligent Design" controversy. McCain proceeded to explain that he thinks Evolution should be taught along with all the reasons scientists think that it works, and then Also the kids should be taught that these other people have this other idea about it. And then he goes on to say that he thinks Americans should learn more about Islam, and that that should also be taught in schools.

Here's the problem: Intelligent Design should not be taught in Science class because it is not Science. The "Science" that the class is named after is a specific - albeit amorphous - thing. It is comprised of a system of extracting knowledge and meaning from the inscrutable countenance of Nature, along with the many thousands of trained people who conduct its daily business. "Intelligent Design" does not meet the criteria for a Scientific Theory. It doesn't generate testable hypotheses. It is plainly a religious, social, and political movement; it is not only not a part of Science - it is the opposite of Science. Certainly, important social issues facing the country and the world should be taught about in our schools. This is where John McCain is confused, or is willfully avoiding the central issue. The controversy over Intelligent Design, to the extent that there is a controversy, exists in the spheres of History, Social Studies, and Civics - not in Science. Intelligent Design should be taught *about*, along with Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Mormonism, Scientology and Reverend Jim Jones, in these classes - not in Science.

But anyway, other than that, the guy is really good. I disagree with him on some issues, but the most important thing is that his positions are not determined by political expediency, but are actually the outcome of a lot of thought and contemplation. He has the kind of character that I think could outweigh my disagreement with him on a certain number of issues. How many issues, and how big, would determine my decision. The fact that he is a Republican is still a big problem for me.

Posted by Hip E. 2005-11-01 00:43:38

Comments:

Insert ethnically stereotypical response to an insult that has been assimilated into white middle class popular culture here “______”.

The Jo-Tel....more like The Jo-when the hell are you going to post anythingTel

This is not the first time PETE has stolen someone's sleeping bag. I hate you PETE.

PETE

sorry you passed out last night buddy. tex is pissed, by the way, that you stole his sleeping bag.

PETE, by deleting my Super Fun Happy Slide poems you have gone to far.

"3 footers to the dome", eh, Gabbeh? It takes a big man to admit that he failed the bar exam as a result of giving blowjobs to midgets. Kudos to you.

Baldwin - I have one for Realplayer, that was the best I can do:

http://www.lermanet.us/SPEpisode912TrappedintheCloset.rm

Hey Hip

You have that south park download with a link for Mac users? i can't play that .wmv file, even though i have the windows media player for apple...quicktime files work best...

PETE, that NO SPANDEX thing isn't an anagram; it's an acronym.

Stickler - Here you go:

South Park - "Trapped In the Closet"

low band width: http://www.xenutv.com/southpark-closet-56k.wmv
high band width: http://www.xenutv.com/southpark-closet.wmv

Enjoy!

I guess she was just waiting for Shark to leave.

WELCOME, Evil Prom Queen readers. Be sure to read our archives from back when we were funny and full of life!

Breaking news! Evil Prom Queen links to the Jo-tel!

Nice emoticon in that comment you posted, Reid. You're dead to me now.

Hip, I totally thought of you as I watched the South Park Scientology episode the other night. I was thinking, "God, Hip E would love this I hope he's watching." Very funny, very original, and very much the basis of a lawsuit. This also made me laugh. It's Fundamentalist Christianity meets Sheri Lewis's Lambchop: http://objectiveministries.org/kidz/

Reid, nice...We have one of those ladies but she is wearing those spandex bikini bottoms with no tights on, I try to avert my eyes, but she always seems to be everywhere I look and she kind of has a cameltoe, scary. Hip E. I have to watch this episode, do you know when it will repeat?

Reid must be stopped

yeah with your old skin and your old balls...Gross!

Linda, I prefer to call it the "Front Butt".

"FUPA"?? Oh come the fuck on. Jesus christ.

dude please...i am the anagram king

Reid, if you thought of that NO SPANDEX anagram you are a genius.

Hip – did you just get back from a job interview?

But other than that, that is a good post. I think you should post that on Craigslist. How come PETE, Shark and I never get upset about anything humorous like this anymore? Probably because we're old. Come to think of it, I'm wearing spandex shorts, crew socks, New Balances and no shirt right now! Shit!

Reid! It's called "plain text"! Try some!

The attendents get paid to shit?!?! Wow, that IS a nice club!

Ayoob spelled backwards is Booya. As in: "Booya, Joe! You're never starting for Cal again after this season!"

Testing. Why are all the comments undifferentiated in grey? I hate that.

Yes, Linda, the Cal game started at 12:30 and ended at 4:30 after overtime. That's a very long game. The bottle throwing occured about 8 minutes after the end of the game. I called you about 20 minutes after the end of the game. For the record.

I'm still going to post.

"Right after the Cal game ended, we put on Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. I played for awhile...."

Hip E, remember when you didn't call me on Saturday and were late-ish arriving at my house, and you said it was because the Cal game ran long? Good times.

From linda [63.170.97.131] - 11/10/05 3:50 PM

Shark, post anyway. We can have the Gospel of Shark and the Gospel of Reid.

From Britt [64.122.14.76] - 11/10/05 12:29 PM

Oh. WOW. Did anyone get Mike's lastname? I would do some serious scanning for his name on the upcoming San Diego obit's page.

From maupow [128.223.243.156] - 11/10/05 12:14 PM

Wow. A mere 10 days into the month and already the content section is lagging far behind the comments once again. You guys should change this to a "Friends of the Jo-Tel" blog, and then you can just add your sporadic crappy posts as comments.

The Friends of the Jo-Tel isn't:

hippie

Shark

PETE

From Shark - 11/10/05 11:53 AM

Ried, I'm going to kill you. I was working on a FOUR PART POST ABOUT THAT STORY. Reid, do me a favor. Look over at the menu column. Okay, now scroll up and look at the names underneath the heading "THE JO-TEL IS:" Is your name there? Okay, right. THEN DON'T EVER PREEMPT ONE OF MY POSTS EVER AGAIN! ROOOOOOAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!

From Stickler [70.36.213.25] - 11/10/05 12:47 AM

Best story to cheer up a rainy day.

From Brewer [208.59.163.84] - 11/9/05 10:26 PM

Wow, not even Johnny D could fuck up that bad.

From linda [63.170.97.131] - 11/9/05 8:21 PM

The Jo-Tel is BACK! Thank you Mister Evans.

From Lady A. [64.81.50.140] - 11/9/05 3:16 PM

Thanks, Shark!

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 11/9/05 1:52 PM

Shark posted that, man. Thank him.

From Johnny D [24.7.57.14] - 11/9/05 1:34 AM

Hipe, thanks for squishing that picture vertically to make it look like I am a huge gaping vagina.

From Brewer [208.59.163.84] - 11/8/05 7:19 AM

Yes, yes it does.

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 11/8/05 12:45 AM

Sorry man. Does it make you feel any better that I'm voting against Prop H, the SF gun ban?

From Brewer [208.59.163.84] - 11/7/05 9:47 PM

No, but if it passes, all of the safe seats in California's delegation (which have been gerrymandered to be safe for Reps and Dems) will become unsafe. Chances are my boss would face another incumbent in the primary. Not fun.

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 11/7/05 6:56 PM

* "...its riffing..." *

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 11/7/05 6:55 PM

*its riffing..."

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 11/7/05 6:55 PM

Kyle - Being a former thespian, the mere fact that you haven't seen this movie yet redeems you in my eyes. By all means, watch it. There are definitely some funny parts, and it's riffing on the motifs of an era of film that I didn't grow up watching, so I'm sure some people will find it inherently better. The lack of boobs was probably part of their counterpoint to the Porkiesesque movies they were lampooning. But adlibbing is only funny under a very few circumstances. One - when it's so smooth that you don't know it's adlibbed, and Two - when it's so good that it doesn't even matter. Rather than try to think of examples of these cases I'm going to go take a practice test now.

From Shark - 11/7/05 4:49 PM

Bound is awesome ................ because of the plot!

From Kyle, A former Thespian [64.81.50.140] - 11/7/05 4:12 PM

Hip E... tell me more about this green bean can and the events in the Tool Shed. Especially the tool shed.

In a related story, I saw "Bound" this weekend, and something tells me you'd like that movie better.

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 11/7/05 12:55 PM

Brewer - explain..

Do you work for Nancy Pelosi now or something?

From Brewer [208.59.163.84] - 11/5/05 9:07 PM

What happened to politics being removed from the jo-tel blog? But since you brought it up, Hip, I urge you all to vote against Prop 77 so I won't lose my job. Thanks. Brewer.

From Hip - 11/4/05 2:51 PM

Shark, thanks for squishing that picture vertically to make it look like I have lats.

From Shark - 11/3/05 7:25 PM

Nosferatu ... too mainstream. Try Sunrise, also by Murnau.

From Shorter Shark [24.7.61.116] - 11/3/05 6:44 PM

Gabe, you should never have seen that movie. Watch "Nosferatu" three times and email me back.

From Shark - 11/3/05 3:09 PM

To be honest, I'm not that good at seeing new movies in the theatre. It's expensive and takes lots of time. Plus, if it's nice day I don't want to be in a dark theatre for that long. And if it's a shitty day then I just want to stay home and smoke tons of rock. The last movie I saw in the theatres was Wong Kar-Wai's 2046. It was excellent. Whereas Wai's Fallen Angels and Chungking Express evoke the chaos and romantic freedom of Hong Kong, 2046 (as well as its companion film In the Mood for Love) focuses on the constraining side of bedroom romances. I am, however, excellent at seeing movies that are no longer in theatres. Ask me about how Melville's Le Samurai is. But to answer your question, no. I haven't seen Clooney's new movie. But it's getting solid reviews. And it sounds like it's a good history lesson.

From Gabbeh [151.200.58.213] - 11/3/05 10:48 AM

I guess this is somewhat on topic with the other comments in this section, but has anyone seen "Goodnight and Good Luck"? Saw it last week and was interested in the Jo-Tel (read: avid film reviewers) take on the picture...

From Kyle [64.81.50.140] - 11/2/05 5:38 PM

Hip E, you are right on about McCain. I heard he and Russ Feingold speak a couple years back here in SF and someone just out and asked him "Why aren't you a Democrat?" Funny stuff. I guess he represents, in my mind at least, the 'best' of the GOP without all of that holier-than-thou Neo-Con crap where they start thinking it's fine for the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT to intervene in the Terri Schaivo case.

There. Now folks Googling Terri Schaivo will get a link to the Jo-Tel. You're welcome.

From Hip E. [24.7.61.116] - 11/2/05 4:15 PM

I had not seen that. But Left Behind: The Movie should be arriving today from Netflix. That's the original. It looks unspeakably bad, but there's only one way to know for sure. Hey, maybe Kirk Cameron will turn out to be a bigger star than Leonardo DiCaprio after all!

This reminds me of the Chronicles of Narnia thing. Apparently they are trying to do two separate, parallel marketing campaigns - one for normal people and one emphasizing C.S. Lewis's Christian undertones and themes. All I know is that I never had a thought about Christian themes in the Narnia books when I read them as a kid, so they are fine by me. Hopefully the movies will be as universally accessible.

From The Big Kat [71.106.124.16] - 11/2/05 12:53 AM

What do you mean "if"? That's exactly how you act towards the HipE all the time. When you've been drinking it's similar, only with more yelling.

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Beginning of the Month Porn Post that's hidden because November really needed something funny