jo-tel - THE JO-TEL ... the achiest atheists

Apparently the band P.O.D. came out with a greatest hits album. Greatest Hits: The Atlantic Years

Posted by Shark 2006-11-29 20:36:30

Indie Rocks Stars -- They're Just Like Us!!

Posted by Shark 2006-11-27 20:26:00

Varietals III

Only a male intellect clouded by the sexual drive could call the stunted, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped and short-legged sex the fair sex … More fittingly than the fair sex, women could be called the unaesthetic sex. Neither for music, nor poetry, nor the plastic arts do they possess any real feeling or receptivity; if they affect to do so, it is merely mimicry in service of their effort to please.
                                                                          - Arthur Shopenhauer

#8

Anyone who has comprehensively reviewed our archives this month (...) will notice that the Will Farrell "Crazy Boss Skit" is "no longer available" on Youtube. This is not just a glitch. All SNL material has been systematically removed from Youtube after vigorous protest by Lorn Michaels and SNL.   And I'm not writing this to go off on Youtube. I suppose I can understand their financial and ethical justification for caving to SNL. In addition, potential Youtube-directed anger is mitigated by the fact that other, lesser known video sites are now popping up where these types of videos can be seen. Ask Hip E for the names, I don't know them off the top of my head. I'm writing today to just place some minor, focused vitriol upon SNL. Unlike former diatribes against Apple, whose vitriol I would compare to napalming a North Vietnamese village, the vitriol in this rant against SNL is more aptly compared to lightly kicking someone from behind at the knee joint right when they are putting weight on that joint so that they quickly fall to the ground. Good. Times.

Okay, here's the deal: the “Crazy Boss Skit” and the “Get Off the Shed”/ “Get Back on the Base” skits ARE NOT included on the Will Farrell Best Of DVD!! PETE has already addressed the insanity of this. My point is this: how the hell am I supposed to be able to watch these skits, if they're not available on the DVD?   Am I supposed to just start watching SNL and hope that a re-run with one of these skits comes on?? I don't have that kind of time. And I don't think ANYONE has the kind of time to watch any more that three Jimmy Fallon skits, which is undoubtedly what you would have to do if you wanted to try to find an old classic like “Get Back on the Base”. And as far as I know, complete seasons of SNL are not available, completing SNL’s moratorium on these skits. Please help.

Sincerely,
Get Back on the Base-less in Seattle

#9

So, it's official now. There is no word in the English language that is worse to say than the n-word, n*****. And there are a lot of words are supposed to be really bad to say. When you’re young, 'fuck' is pretty much the worst thing that you believe you can say. Its mere utterance would probably get you grounded for a least a day. However, when you grow up, doing things like making a movie that uses the f-word a lot is totally fine and may actually win you the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay. But no other word has the pejorative gravitas of n*****. No other racial epithet even comes close. Fink, Wop, WASP. None of these have the focused abhorrence of the n-word, which distills hundreds of years of humiliating American bigotry into six simple letters. Its power is illustrated by the fact that it is the only word (as far as I can think of) that I cannot write on this website. As such, Michael Richards totally f'ed up. And, as apologies go, his statement on David Letterman was one of the worst. Let's hope he can find the "force field that lead to that hostility". Here's the Michael Richards rant with Seinfeld background sounds:

#10

It is now no longer repulsive to advertise the Christmas season. That's because Thanksgiving is over. However, in my opinion it is indecent to start Christmas ad campaigns before Thanksgiving. And I understand all the arguments regarding the benefits to certain companies to starting unseasonably early. There should just be a law. For the protection of citizens who enjoy Christmas, but, like all humans, have a saturation point for seasonal jollity. I mean, when Best Buy is running commercials with Santa Claus in early November, I am forced into the realization that I am going to be utterly sick of seeing Santa tell me to buy things by the middle of December. And that's too bad. Not to mention the god damned egg nog lattes at Starbucks. I mean, you can’t even buy EGG NOG in mid-November, but you can certainly order an egg nog latte and, while you’re there, pick yourself up a Starbucks holiday sampler CD. If someone ever played one of those CDs at the jo-tel, I think my face would melt. But, things are looking up. It's after Thanksgiving, the leaves are turning, the air is getting colder, and I just stumbled upon a song called "Christmas Time for My Penis" by The Vandals, which seems like an delightful inclusion on volume 3 of my Christmas Mix[x]. Merry Christmas, online casino!

Posted by Shark 2006-11-26 18:57:39

Overheard from the Peanut Gallery

NICOLE: Since I got back from Germany - except for that time when I fell out that window - I haven't been drunk ONCE!

NICOLE: So did Natalie ever tell you about that time we saw a gang-bang in Berlin?

Posted by The Quail 2006-11-20 16:30:42

Dilbert Blogs

Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert, has a blog. Turns out he's a freethinker with a modern worldview. It's funny because about the only thing there are more of in my religious coworker's office walls than signed pictures of George & Laura Bush thanking him for his support are Dilbert comic strips. He's a really nice guy, I respect him a lot, and I would really like to have a fun and open discussion about religion with him, but I haven't yet broken the news to him that I don't go to church. I think I'll wait a little while longer on that.

Posted by Hip E. 2006-11-20 08:02:43

Drum Machine

Posted by Hip E. 2006-11-19 20:55:57

Top Five Pornographic Faulkner Novels [fn1]

FN1: For about the last week I've been trying to muster the artistic integrity to not post this ill-advised list idea. However, every time I think about posting something new, the following hackneyed concept always pops up in my mind, like a clock tower out of the corner of William Quentin's eye that reminds him that he can never return to his youth with Caddy at the branch ... in those incestuously muddy britches ... yum. So, I apologize in advance, but the dark side was just too strong.

Posted by Shark 2006-11-17 07:54:13

Daniel Johnston 1990 Radio Special

Here's a link to the infamous hour-long radio show Daniel Johnston did in 1990 over the phone from his room in a mental hospital in support of his new album at the time, 1990 . He does interviews with himself in the voices of several different characters and cuts a track with Yo La Tenga who are in the studio with the disc jockey. That dude was crazy!

Posted by Hip E. 2006-11-14 21:45:21

TRL Here I Come

Last Thursday, since I wasn't doing anything, I agreed to help my friend Max out by being an extra in his music video.

His band is called The Actual . Before Thursday, the only things I knew about them were that 1) They are very punctual when it comes to playing shows. I saw them at the Troubador and arriving 20 minutes past 8:00pm, I only got to hear like 3-4 songs since they had started promptly at 8. 2) The songs I did hear I liked. 3) They have pretty cool t-shirts (see here ... scroll down) 4) Johnny D's friend Nicole's exboyfriend Ben plays guitar for them (important later).

I had also been informed by Max that making out with strangers would be involved. You see, the idea of the video (according to Max) was that the song, or the feelings the song evoked, or something, are getting passed throughout the crowd like a virus... and this virus is passed, much like mono or the good herpes, by frenching.

I arrived at the warehouse in East Los where the shit was to go down to find a surprisingly professional operation. PAs everywhere and big, expensive looking cameras. I say surprised only because if I'm asked to participate in something, I assume it's going to be low rent. It's my nature. But this was catered, they had a make-up person, all that shit. I was pretty shocked to discover, especially considering the subject material of the video, that there was no beer or alcohol of any kind to loosen us up. But there were made-to-order omlettes, so...

Amanda Seyfriend.

Come to find out that the director, who was a friend of Max's, is this guy , who directed Underclassman starring NICK CANNON. Also, I noticed on his profile that he's directed a few episodes of Veronica Mars... so I'm reminding myself right now to ask him for Amanda Seyfried's number (Green dress on the right).

So anyhow, we're all sitting around waiting to start filming and Max comes up to me and is like "Pete, I'm sorry to put this on you but we though it would be funny if Ben (guitarist) made out with a guy... we'll give you money. So let me know if you're willing to prostitute yourself. You'll also get to make out with girls so don't worry."

None of the other guys were willing to do it so I said, for the sake of art, "What the hell?" (It should also be mentioned that I happened to be wearing my "Jesus: Name Above Names" shirt. Delicious Irony!!).

They lined us up in this big line and this girl to my left was supposed to come around a corner and make out with me, then I had to walk over to Ben and make out with him. A note about the girl I kissed: she asked me if I had gotten my eagle belt (busted ass belt I have that has an eagle painted on the back of it) at Hot Topic. She was totally serious. When I said no, she asked if I had gotten it at Urban Outfitters. No. She had decided earlier in the day I guess that she didn't like my outfit and she was going to try and trip me up about where I bought what. She also commented on my Jesus shirt saying "I bet you never even went to that Church." sigh. 19-year-olds just don't understand irony. She was a pretty good kisser though. After she finished pressing me up against the wall, I took the long walk over to Ben. We basically pretended to open mouth kiss with no tongue. It would've been okay except we had to do three takes.

At least he didn't have a beard.

It all seemed to work out though because later on in the shoot after a much-needed coffee break (none of the extras had been drinking coffee for fear of offending breath) one of the cutest girls there walked up to me with the Director and asked whether I'd want to make out with her in the next scene. I popped a few Altoids and it was on.

That ALSO took three takes...

All in all I made out with two girls, one guy, and walked away with a couple numbers and made some new friends.

In any event, I'm sort of conflicted as to whether I want this video to do well. The song is very catchy power punk (the song is Worst Day of My Life, which plays on The Actual homepage, if you're wondering) and I can see it doing well. Like MTV2, maybe even MTV well. So uh, that should be interesting.

I'll post the video when I get it.

Posted by PETE 2006-11-14 16:56:57

I Saw A Shooting Star

This morning I saw one of the biggest shooting stars I've ever seen. It was about 5:55am at the corner of Lake and Park Presidio. It shot straight down and was about 5-10 times as bright and wide a streak as I've seen since Brother Jeff Wolf got skunked in ping-pong. Then there was a little piece that flew on past the end of the main fireball with a little trail behind it. It was awesome. I wonder if that thing landed somewhere. It was headed towards either the Pacific or Marin or Oregon, it's hard to say.

Posted by Hip E. 2006-11-14 09:19:08

We were watching Evil Dead II where the guy is hauling ass through the forest trying to escape the unholy gathering blackness that knocked down the bridge. After a minute of this, Patsy was like "This is dumb; can't Evil travel faster than a car?"

Posted by Hip E. 2006-11-13 19:36:00

Quotes from the Day after the Anti-Anti-Halloween Party that Hip E. Never Posted. Luckily I Have a Mind that Resembles a Steel Trap

PETE: [watching American Beauty] You know what? If I was an old guy, I probably wouldn't bone Mina Suvari. Because really, you only get ONE chance at statutory rape, and I wouldn't waste mine on her.

PETE: [watching party pictures slide show when a slide of two black dudes comes on the screen] Who were those dudes?

PETE: [pointing to the one wearing a sweater and a backpack] Is that guy supposed to be Kanye West?

Patsy also said something that elicited an "Oh Patsy!" right before Hip E. forced us to watch Saw.

Posted by PETE 2006-11-13 13:01:51

Things Are Really Turning Around for the K-Man

Sigh. Right after I sat down to write this post I heard the dreaded sound of the street sweeper ambling down South Orlando Ave. Yet another $45 parking ticket, which makes 6 total in 7 months of living here and two in the past 3 weeks. But nonetheless, things are looking up!

Except also, right before I sat down to write this, got another call from the landlord saying she was coming on Wednesday to disconnect my cable. So I'd better start watching those Modern Marvels episodes I've been saving on TiVo.

1) The Bears won. Thank God. Having Cal lose and having to endure the nonsensical ramblings of Mark May saying how Cal blew out teams because they didn't play anyone good and then in the same breath declaring that if USC wins out against those Pac 10 powerhouses Oregon, UCLA and Cal, they have to get to the national title game was all the shit I could take in one weekend. But the Bears did me proud and shut Plaxico and half the country's NFL writers up, and also managed a 108 yard return in the process... so that's nice. Maybe that Super Bowl Shuffle will work out after all.

NB: Great quote from Charles Tillman, Bears Corner and high school chemistry expert:

"Like we've been preaching all year, 212. We turn it up a notch. At 211 degrees, the water's hot, but nothing's happening. At 212 it boils, and with boiling water comes steam, and steam can drive a locomotive. You turn it up one degree and it can go so far."

I look forward to next week when we play the Jets. So much potential there: "It's like a turbine engine. You compress the air and..."

2) Democratic Control of Congress. Yes this had happened before yesterday but I forgot to mention it. Thinking back to Election night 2004, also known as the worst night of my life, and how I scared the shit out of recently acquired roommate Saki (remember her Thrill?) by destroying various glasswares in our kitchen, I couldn't be more pleased right now. Or I guess I could, but only slightly. Plus I wasn't working at the Huffington Post on election night... instead I was in my living room glued to CNN and drunk off my ass on Bloody Marys watching my former boss look very tired on Larry King. Also, for the past few months I've sort of had a moratorium on reading political blogs. So it's nice to be able to wake up and read TPM and Daily Kos again, and see good news.

4) Prince has set up a permanent residency at the Rio in Las Vegas . He plays a show every Friday and Saturday night, and at my favorite hotel no less. Now I know how fans of Celine Dion must have felt a few years back. I've been looking for a good excuse to go to Vegas and now I have one.

5) The Jo-Tel is getting a makeover. As of yesterday... or two days ago since I slept through 90% of yesterday, we are the proud owners of www.jo-tel.com. We will be moving the site to word press and I've got a pretty sweet advertising scheme worked out. Very soon you'll be able to see us NOT post for weeks at a time on a very professional looking site, with a sweet new logo or logos designed by Johnny D. I'm also in talks right now with Phentremine. We really need his help to drive our traffic numbers up and really get the comments section going after the port. Also, thanks to Chris Jaskot for all his help with this. He'll be receiving a fuller shout out in the near future.

And while I've got your attention. If you could take a moment and let us know in the comment section why you read the Jo-Tel, other than your crush on Hip E. it will help Chris with his "target audience" stuff which I guess is important when trying to create a brand... but I'm obviously too cool to care about that bougie shit.

Posted by Hollywood 2006-11-13 12:22:02

My Entire Life Is Crashing Down Around Me

This is exactly what I didn't need. When you quit your job, you hope that the other aspects of your life will remain relatively stable, thus allowing you to regroup and find another form of gainful employment. In fact, the same is universally true for any major event that drastically changes one facet of your life. If you have a kid, you'd hope that your husband doesn't get shot in the face while trying to save your dog from your burning house the following day.

But a similar situation is happening to me right now... so fire up the Waambulance.

First things first, I receive a call from my landlord. My living situation is pretty interesting and I don't think I've ever talked about it so: basically I live in a two-bedroom place by myself for $750/mo. I used to have a roommate but she moved to Jersey to live with her boyfriend and her mom, whose name is on the lease, wasn't ready to give up the apartment. So she allowed me to stay and covered half the rent. It's a nice place and I really like living here. And just recently I found out fair market value for the place is $2800/mo. So, to review, $750.mo to live in a $3000 apartment. Not bad. So obviously the news that I had to be out by January 1st wasn't welcome. So now I have to find a new job AND a new place to live.

Also, the place is furnished and my landlord has started to sell off some stuff, beginning with the coffee table. After not having a coffee table for over 24 hours, I can decidedly say that coffee tables are more important that I had previously thought to my general well-being.

So far: no job, no apartment, no coffee table. I might as well throw in "no money" but there's not really anything else to say about that... except I can't buy nice meals and new CDs to cheer me up.

Continuing on: I was supposed to go out on a date on Friday. I was cancelled on at the last minute due to a sinus infection. I don't say "supposed" sinus infection only because I'm sure she actually is as sick as she claims, because one thing that evidently HASN'T changed is my propensity to make terrible things befall any girl who agrees to go out with me (an aside: when she called me to cancel she had also been locked out of her house). It's okay though, because once we do go out, the suffering will end shortly thereafter once she inevitably decides to never go out with me again. :) We're scheduled for a redo Tuesday but I'm sure she'll probably have to drive her friend to the hospital or something... sigh.

Then yesterday the really bad shit started going down. Cal lost to Arizona in a poorly officiated game that not only shattered their national championship hopes, but made the Rose Bowl a slightly bigger long shot... Nothing really changed, since we still have to beat USC, but after weeks of solid wins with no one in front of us in the BCS losing, this week everybody loses and we're one of then. Salt in the wound factor was increased drastically by Notre Dame winning and jumping us. I fucking hate Notre Dame. In any event, the devastating nature of this loss can not be overstated.

And now I'm sitting here watching the Bears look only slightly better than last week. If they wind up losing this game I don't know what I'll do. But I'd better start thinking about what that is... I guess I should also mention that after the Bears went 6-0 I wrote a 2006 Super Bowl Shuffle, which Jonah and I made a video for. We were going to post the finished product on Rival Fish and I was all ready for it to go viral. Somehow though, I don't think it will have the same impact after a two game losing streak... sigh

Basically the only thing that's going right for me these days is my dreams. The horrible, work-related dreams that used to plague me nightly are finally gone, and have been replace by some excellent fare. Truly the balm of hurt minds, sleep.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow about some pains I've been having around the kidney area. Most likely, after the doctor tells me I have Polio or Anus Cancer like Farrah Fawcett, my car will break down on the way to the gun shop.

Some other, relatively minor bad stuff has happened, like my toilet breaking, my homework for my magazine freelancing class getting erased when my computer crashed, and me running out of Tabasco sauce.

As I write this, the Bears just forced a fumble in the Red Zone and them fumbled the runback right back to the Giants. Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

Posted by PETE 2006-11-12 18:40:42

Idiot Music Reviewer on The Knife:

Posted by Hip E. 2006-11-11 18:07:06

Denny Blazin Hazen, Rapper

Posted by Hip E. 2006-11-10 12:29:23

Patso, Redux

Posted by The Quail 2006-11-09 21:58:16

Patso

Posted by Hip E. 2006-11-09 20:55:42

New Cadillac Escalade Big Wheels: Adult Education

Guaranteed to be a life-like scale model of the real thing... We've even cut the battery life to simulate gas mileage of the original.

Posted by Johnny D 2006-11-08 23:50:07

Am I the Only One Whose Phone Cord Gets Tangled as Shit?

I'm having one of those OMG-but-how-do-I-really-know-that-everyone-else- is-not-a-robot-?-I-mean-,- have-I-ever-seen-the-insides-of- a-human-,-even-a-dead-one-?-It-is-totally possible-that-all-images-in-movies-and- news-of-non-robot-insides-were- fabricated-for-my-deception-and-what-about-animals- are-they-robots-too-? moments with regard to my offfice phone. Am I the only one whose phone cord gets all tangled the f up? It happened to my first phone code so then I raid an adjacent empty office and replaced my tangled cord with a perfectly coiled facsimile. However, in a matter of weeks, this pristine new cord was in a similar state. Everytime I pick up the phone, I've basically got to yank the receiver in a vigorous horizantal path away from the phone in order to provide sufficient cord to speak anywhere farther than three inches from the base of the phone. And while, I admit, this does give me a cool feeling of doing some sort of lat muscle workout everytime I answer the phone, I would prefer a cord that does not significantly impede by ability to use the phone.

Any feedback? "Years when the photos hydrocodone were factors" and "his is the first weeks but concerta under their concerta new breast concerta" are not invited to comment.

Posted by Shark 2006-11-08 22:04:33

Genius

Posted by The Quail 2006-11-08 13:30:25

I Don't Like EditMe Anymore

I think at one time I might've been a fan, but I just spent twenty minutes deleting spam "comments" from the comments section below. And since the spamming began a few months ago, we've noticed a radical drop in our traffic from ACTUAL readers and commenters. One of the most ridiculous aspects of the comments software (aside from the fact that you can't comment on specific posts, so all the comments are on the main page) is that the "security" sytem employed - one of those "Enter the letters above" deals - uses ACTUAL WORDS instead of combinations of letters and/or numbers. So basically, it provides just enough of a barrier to bother real people who try to comment, without preventing spam bots from doing so.

Be prepared for The Jo-Tel to be moving web sites in the near future, as we've just about had enough of this shit.

Posted by The Quail 2006-11-06 16:08:26

I Don't Like McCain Anymore

I think one time I saw John McCain on Charlie Rose or something and I wrote a post about how he was an awesome guy. Well he's not cool anymore. He has decided he wants to be president and that the way he's going to do that is to beg for the votes of the fundamentalist christian right. Check out his new anti-gay marriage commercial.

Posted by Hip E. 2006-11-03 08:29:07

Comments:

INflammable means Flammable?!?! What a country!

Shark, these "productions" you speak of sound like quality, quality events.

With such a tagline, your events are now assured of going off.

Shark, I disagree. That word does exist and it is "snax."

THE HOLIDAY BOWL

Guys, let me know if you're coming to the Holiday Bowl. I'm trying to put something together and by something I mean an event where we all get blind drunk. Should be lots of fun. Mass e-mail to follow.

Katon, I agree with regard to the ridiculously different treatment that is accorded white stereotyping as opposed to black racial stereotyping. A black stereotpying whites can make millions of dollars doing such (Dave Chappelle). A white stereotyping blacks will "never work in the this town again." But the n-word is different than just making fun a blacks for being lazy or wearing baggy pants. That word connotes the embarrasing history of slavery. No such word for whites exitsts.

In regards to section #9 of Shark's post, it's funny how that works, isn't it? Dave Chapelle makes a show that is hostile and wholly degrading to white people and he's lauded as a comedic genius. Michael Richards calls out two loud-mouthed black guys who took it upon themselves to ruin his act and he's branded a "racist", whatever that means these days. As I've been saying for a while now, it's time we realize that "racism" is to the 21st century what "heresy" was to the 19th. Both were loosely defined and considered the embodiment of all evil by their detractors (in both instances, society's elites). Furthermore, the mere accusation of both was enough to trigger ostracism and persecution. The entire concept of "racism" is a complete and utter joke.

Maupow, my head just exploded.

Shark --

Phone de-tangler

PS: I fixed my phone cord.

PETE -- making out with a bearded guy is better than it sounds. Cannot wait to see this video.

but that's my only reason for reading the jo-tel

PETE, maybe you need to make sure these girls know that you fuck on the first date .... ?

does anyone check the jotel gmail account?

Shark - phone cord tangling is a one-dimensional phenomenon. If the cord is twisted, just take the handset off the base and twist it in the opposite direction that it's tangled. Do this every couple weeks and you'll never have to get a new cord.

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