"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."
- Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint
Some Time This Century
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THE JO-TEL IS:
Shark
Hip E.
PETE
Johnny D
We get naked in bars way more thanyou and you know what that means ...
We read Proust.
FEATURES*:
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CURRENTLY READING:
Hip E.
- Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759-67)
- Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)
Shark
- Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
- Kevin Star, A History of California:
1840 - 1875.
- Paul Celan, Breathturn
PETE
- Cormac McCarthy, Suttree
Johnny D.
- Jean Luc d'Emo, Reel
The Quail
- Dave Eggers, What Is the What
- James Joyce, Ulysses
- Don Gifford, Ulysses Annotated
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
Hip E.
- Neko Case, Blacklisted (2002)
- Hip E., Pando Mix Rev. 0 (2007)
- Rock Plaza Central, Are We Not Horses? (2006)
Shark
- Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Blank
Generation (1977)
- The Kinks, The Village Green Preservation
Society (1968)
- Silver Apples, Contact (1969)
PETE
- Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)
Johnny D
- Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it (1980)
- The Blow, Paper Television (2006)
- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3 (1999)
The Quail
- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)
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Virginia
* A Jouse-guest is someone who has
spent the night at the Jo-tel.
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- Charlton Heston (1924 - )
The Jo-Tel... Is Playing at My House | Show Menu |
An Open Letter to SNL
Dear Compilers of SNL "Best Of" DVDs,
I am writing this letter to express my disappointment pertaining to some GLARING omissions in my recently purchased "The Best Of Will Ferrell: Volume 2" DVD.
Though I had my problems with Volume 1 assuming it was to stand alone as the only collection of Will Ferrell’s work, my fears were mostly allayed when I heard that a second volume would indeed be forthcoming. Unfortunately however, Volume 2 is total shit. What a disgraceful tribute to the comedic genius of Will Ferrell it must be in which you cannot cull from a brilliant seven season career a second 75 minutes of even remotely amusing material. If you were to show me this DVD, and divulge only that it was a Best Of Will Ferrell, but omit the volume number, I would guess probably volume 26… maybe 28. Only a day departed from my initial viewing I struggle to remember a single funny sketch, save for one in which he emerges from the uterus of Rachel Dratch a full grown 37 year old man ("Doc, could you clamp me off? Lets get the show on the road") and immediately departs for Atlantic City with Charlie Sheen (gold).
However, my main question is this: how in the FUCK could you make two whole volumes of Will Ferrell: Best Of without including a single "GET OFF THE SHED!!" sketch? It truly boggles the mind. (I also just learned that this was his first EVER SNL sketch,,, you guys really fucked up) Yes… I understand that on the Volume 1 extras you included his original audition for the show in which he does a truncated GOTS performance but this is not sufficient. A full sketch is necessary, perhaps two, as I would consider the seminal "GET BACK ON THE BASE!!" in a class by itself. Instead you present me with an endless string of worthless chaff, in which Mr. Ferrell is coddled by Shaq (hilarious!) or plays a frat boy who informs Colin Quinn the he "rules" (he does not). Pathetic.
I will restrain myself from going further, and only mention that you ALSO failed to include the commercial for Wade Blasingame: Dog Lawyer which should have been played twice, back to back in Volume 1, as well as the Shirtless Bible Salesmen, and the horse glue thing. You are truly a hack, sir and I wish painful sores upon your privates.
Sincerely,
PETE
PS Eat Shit.
Posted by PETE 10/27/04
Yes
Yes.
Posted by PETE 10/27/04
There Was Nudity?
There was nudity?
Posted by Hip E. 10/27/04
Bones Shall Be Dropped
Just when I was commenting to Thrill that my bank account was looking nice and flush these mother fuckers had to open up a store in Hayes Valley like 3 blocks from my work:HUF SF
If there's one thing I'm a sucker for it's neck ties... but if there's two things it's neck ties and fresh ass new kicks. Outside of David Z's in Soho, and probably some overly expensive trendy shithole in LA, I'd have to say that this is just about the best shoe store in the country. I predict a minimum droppage of 500 bones over the next 2 months, starting tomorrow with these bad boys: the Reebok Ice Creams in White.
Yeah... I'm serious. How can you possibly say anything negative about a man who rocks kicks THIS fresh? These joints are enough to make Tello shit himself with jealousy. After I get these, I'll probably get like three more pairs of Air Force Two Mids (the cracker's AF1) and some PF Flyers. Mom I know you read this so... Christmas. It's on.
Posted by PETE 10/26/04 12:48am
Anti-Halloween was Anti-Not Cool
What can I say? The shit went off. Unfortunately we have little photo-documentation because Thrill was too busy getting wasted to remember his camera was lonely. Also unfortunately, I can't really remember anything is the way of stories because I too was loaded. So loaded in fact that when we ran out of keg and most of the booze, and Shark appear before me with two forties of Miller Genuine Draft, the world's worst tasting beer, I actually drank some. I'm also happy to report that there was nudity, albeit a minimal amount, the landlord called us at 1:15 and told us to be quiet for our asshole neighbor Vince, the cops got called on us, and I finished the night drinking straight triple-sec out of the bottle with Katon and PJ at 4 am. I expect my hangover to hit around 5 pm Thursday. Nooge.
Jo-Tel Party over. Click here for the sweet invite.
Yes, I'm a Bitch. It's True.
I left in a cab with Jay at what I assumed was like 1:00 but what was evidently closer to 11:45 because I arrived home, according to our neighbor who I saw on our porch, at 12:30 and passed out immediately. Unfortunately, I had reached that point in the evening where I knew for a fact that no matter what I did: continued drinking, stopped drinking, whatever, that the night would get progressively worse each minute I remained awake. It happens to the best of us. It happened to me on Saturday.
This is not an excuse. I had promised Shark that I too would strip down, do some push-ups, and roll down to the "date party", thereby shattering the delicate sensibilities of the prissy slapdicks who currently inhabit our house and prance about the halls playing grab ass and spelling "party" l-a-m-e. Yeah I said it.
Unfortunately I was no better than any of them that night, as I bowed out unforgiveably early and left the invading to others. Sad.
Posted by PETE 10/24/04
Shock, if not Awe.
After the stirring Cal Bears win over UCLA on Saturday, we commandeered some dude's room in the fraternity house and had ourselves a party. Hip E., Shark, PETE, Thrill, Johnny D., Inga, Patsy, Jay, and perhaps Snake. Around 10:00 we left to go get food because the house was having a "date party" on the premises. Top Dogs downed, we came back to the house and drank swiftly in the parking lot for a while before we invaded the house like it was our job. I actually don't remember anything after Top Dog. ...... Until, some time later, maybe around 1:00, and Shark was really angry. PETE had bitched out like a bitch, disappearing in a cab to the city. Shark was Not OK with this. Something in him snapped. Everything went white, and a vision was revealed to him. He told me his vision, and it was good. After a few minutes of preparation, we went downstairs to the party and ordered ourselves a couple drinks.
Screwdrivers. Stiff ones.
I wish I could remember the looks on their faces.
Posted by Hip E. 10/19/04 12:51 pm
Ground Control to Hinga
Where are you?
Posted by Shark 10/16/04 10:03 am
So... Hot
No words. Only hottness. (Thank Jessica)
Posted by PETE 10/14/04 7:58pm
DoLo We'll Miss You...
Last Thursday was a sad day indeed for an alcoholic such as myself. Dolores, my favorite bartender at my usual happy hour bar, Jade Bar, has departed for good, leaving me with a severe headache and an upset stomach. For those of you who have never had a bartender who will give you free drinks every time you go to see them, let me tell you it’s something special. I’m sure this happens to girls quite often but for me, D-Lo was the first bartender who would even hook me up on a consistent basis. I’d come in after work around 9 or 10, we’d discuss shit that pisses us off and annoying people we have to deal with at our respective jobs (for her drunk dudes, for me old Russian ladies), I’d get plastered and then when it was time for me to leave she’d pull a dollar amount out of thin air and charge me that. As an example, the night I met Nicolette I started off with two margaritas and then switched to beer, had six or so of those plus a few shots which we did together. Around 12:30 I decide I’ve had enough so I’m like "Dolo, how much do I owe you?" At first she looked perplexed… then she sized me up, gave me the "bartender stare" that penetrates deep into your liver to divine exactly how loaded you are, shrugged her shoulders and was like "I don’t know. Twelve dollars?" Deal! Of course after I had closed out on the plastic I went back for one more beer and was like "I’m gonna have to pay cash for this one" to which she responded with a dismissive wave and a "get the fuck out of my face with that" look.
So for her last night, I rolled in around 7:30, got me a spot at the bar and immediately started doing a wide variety of shots as D-Lo poured round upon round for toasts with all her regulars. I also got a margarita. After I was about 3 margaritas deep, Thrill came in with Bob from some other party they had been at and ordered some drinks. They handed me money which I tried to hand to D-Lo but which she pushed back in my face and yelled over my shoulder to my companions "Oh no. Pete has a tab open." Then she winked at me, handed me the money and said "you can keep it if you want… give it to charity" Deal! After only 1 drink Bob took off and was quickly replaced by Sapey Sapes, who had just flown in from Arizona. He likes Kettle One. So he started ordering it. All at this point, Will and I decided it would be a "good" idea to switch to Jack and Coke. Things pretty much devolved from there. More shots, chocolate cake, more Jack, and it was time to leave for Russian Hill because some other friends were in town and drinking up that-a-way. Dolores, how much do we owe you for:
4 margaritas
5 Beers
1 Cosmo
1 Manhattan
2 Kettle One and soda
4 Jack and Cokes
…plus whatever we were buying for other people plus all the shots? "I don’t know. Ten dollars?" We tipped her about 40 and stepped out. Needless to say we were all plastered and decided to go do to the T-Loin to this place Bambuddha Lounge, at which we’d thrown a Bravo!CLUB party a few months earlier, and at which I had met one of the part-owners who happened to be really into me, so I decided it would be a good idea to visit her! But when we got there the door was lock and when I inquired as to why a gentleman told me "Private Party" Oh well… on our way back to the car I noticed that the door on the street leading into the kitchen was propped slightly open so naturally I walked in. After stumbling around in the pantry trying to find a door I reversed course, walked past the two dumbfounded Mexican guys cooking Asian food and into the bar. The party was a swanky affair for which I was not properly attired. Still, I walked around to the street door and opened it for Thrill and Saper. Upon their entering we were immediately kicked out by their 120 lb "Head of Security" who informed me that the owner I knew was not present… which was probably a good thing because I imagine she would’ve been pretty pissed off. Back on the street we decided to call it a night. Once back in the hood, I wandered around until I found a store open at which I spent 20 bones on frozen pizza and a TV dinner, all of which I ate before passing out with the oven still on.
Then people wrote obscenities on my body while I was asleep…
Thanks Dolores! You’ll be missed.
Posted by PETE 10/14/04 7:49pm
Dazed, Confused, and Hard Up for Cash
Well... I'm not really sure what to think about this article from Newsday. The real life Slater, Wooderson, and "Pink "Floyd suing the studio for defamation? I mean one thing I CAN say is that watching by far one of my favorite movies (favorite movies while intoxicated) will never be the same now that I know that the real life Pink is a fucking car salesman in Huntsville, Texas and not even a successful one obviously because... you know, this insane lawsuit. For those of you too lazy to click the link (all of you) here's the important and thoroughly depressing parts:
The men -- Bobby Wooderson, Andy Slater and Richard "Pink" Floyd -- say Linklater did not get their permission before creating three characters in the 1993 cult classic sharing their surnames and likenesses. The suit was filed Thursday in Santa Fe against Universal Studios, which released the film.
The movie follows the drug- and alcohol-fueled hijinks of teenagers on the last day of school in May 1976. The men said the negative characterizations in the film have made their lives miserable and caused their neighbors to think poorly of them.
"We had fun in high school, but there is nothing true about that movie. Yet, I am having to deal with it all the time," said Floyd, who works at a car dealership in Huntsville, Texas, where the men went to high school.
Ernest Freeman, one of the plaintiffs' attorneys, said Slater has also had problems because people make assumptions that he takes illegal drugs.
Slater runs a construction and remodeling company and Wooderson works in the technology sector. Both men also still live in Huntsville.
I don't even know where to begin... how about here: "People make assumptions..." that Slater takes illegal drugs? The guy who when you're first introduced to him is dropping acid at the school water fountain? Get right outta town! Here's an idea... how about you stop TELLING people that you were the basis for a character in a wildly popular movie, something I assume (oop! there I go again!) you do quite often considering you can't have racked up much else in the personal achievment column during the past 30 years. Then you could smoke your weed in peace.
And Wooderson... oh man you're killing me here. You work in the "technology sector"? Oh fuck! What happened to you man? You were the coolest guy in the whole Goddamn film and you've been reduced to suing someone for making you famous? I swear man, you'd better at least have a smokin' hot wife or my world is going to crumble. Seriously.
Pink... you disappoint me the most. Tell me how the movie Dazed and Confused has defamed your character in any way? Please... enlighten me? Lets see, you were the stud quarterback slash king of the school, you had two top shelf chicks fighting over you, you were nice to the freshman, you were a magnamimous friend to the nerds, the stoners, the jocks, everyone. So what? You took a couple hits off a joint? Smashed a mailbox? If one of my friends made a movie about us I'd KILL for a portrayal this good... Shit I want your autograph. What's next? Is Schindler going to sue Steven Speilberg? Is Jesus going to sue Mel Gibson? Bullshit Pink. You make me sad.
I might as well point out that this is the second time the Dazed and Confused experience has changed dramatically for me... the first time being shortly after I got paddled while pledging a certain fraternity. Let me make this abundantly clear. Getting paddled hurts INCREDIBLY bad. If you get hit hard one single time you will be hard pressed to sit normally for the next day or so. If you get hit 5 times in quick succession like I did, extend that to a week and be prepared to shit like a girl in a gas station restroom. Also, your ass is purple like that purple. If you get hit 20 times plus like Mitch Cramer, you are not going anywhere. It is not "something a few beers can take care of." You are certainly not going to be ready to go out a mere 2 hours later and hook up with some chick, or climb the moon tower, or even walk. Evidently though, the only ill affect Mitch suffered was an inability to keep his hand off his fucking nose every time he spoke (watch the movie again with this in mind. It will annoy the shit out of you guaranteed). I'm done.Posted by PETE 10/12/04 9:12pm
Congratulations DB!
In Darrel's own words:
On Saturday October 9th at 5:37am Erin gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy who we named Ripley Matthias Brant. He weighs in at nine pounds and thirteen ounces. Wow! He also measures 21 and three quarter inches. Bam! I'm a Papa now!
That kid is gonna be a titan when he grows up.
But it's cool, you know. It was like I was in the hospital, you know and it was cool cause like oh my God I'm a dad it's crazy aaaaaahhhhhh! and the hospital was all white and shit and Erin was like "AHHHHH!" and I was all "aaahhh...aaaahhh....ahhhhh" and the baby was all "WAAAAH waaHHHHH" and I was all "AAAAHHHHH!"
Seriously Darrel though, from all of us congratulation on your first NFL Wide Receiver... the first of many I'm sure (too bad they'll probably all play for the Broncos)
Posted by PETE 10/12/04 10:38am
SF Public Access Is Some Weird Shit
Does anyone have a line on the Public Access show here in the city where there is this crazy dude talking about random, stream of consciousness shit while Asian lesbian porn plays on the screen? His commentary is a propos of nothing happening on the screen until they show breast, at which point he cuts to another scene and says:
"Okay... we had to cut because a titty popped out. Titty pop, titty pop, titty pop pop... Well anyways as I was saying I was down on Folsom and this bird right, this fucking bird? Man the... hey, you even be like man, like your eating cereal and your thinking man, this box is colorful right? So I was riding my bike across America and I got a lot of homeless friends right? and... oh my God is that shit on my shirt? How did that get there? Shit man, this is my only shirt man and I got this..."
And so on, just non-sensical ramblings with A LOT of swearing while these two Asian chicks make out and spit in each other's mouths and do this weird sucking on each other's tongues thing. It's truly mesmerizing. As Hip E. said "This guy is actually pretty smart. He wants people to listen to him talk so he throws on this weird porn because he knows once someone sees it they won't be able to change the channel. It's impossible." So we're watching this dude ramble for a while through another whole scene, this time where the same two Asian girls are office workers as opposed to school girls and the exact same shit starts happening: they start sucking on each other's tongues and spitting on each other until they're both down to their lacey white underwear again except this time one girl pulls the other girl's breast out and shes playing with it for a good 5-10 seconds before it cuts away and the dude just stops mid sentence and it's dead silent...
"Okay uh... another titty popped out."
At this point both Hip E. and I just about died laughing becasue it became abundantly clear that this was in fact some dude just holding the remote to a DVD player and pressing chapter skip just before the girls get naked... except that that time he fucked up and you could tell he was thinking "Fuck. There goes my show now as I was saying earlier I feel tire irons are an ally in the war on terror..."
Believe it or not this show is only the second weirdest thing I've seen on Public Access while living in the Bay Area. On Berkeley PA, there is a dude who has a show and um, the dude is a quadriplegic and he sits in his wheel chair naked speaking through a microphone on the side of his chair while naked chicks dance around him and chant and there's this other fat naked dude sitting on a pillow behind him reading from some spiritual text while the chicks chant and the naked wheelchair guy moans and grunts and this basically continues for the whole 2 hours or whatever. I am not kidding. Ask anyone who lives in Berkeley.
The Bay Area: Indulging Sexual Perverts since 1849
Posted by PETE 10/7/04 7:13pm
Your Tax Dollars at Work
The other day while researching the new season of The Real World (Philadelphia) -more on the best ever season of The Real World later , I happened upon one of those anti-Marijuana banner ads with the irresistable scrolling text "Is Marijuana Really That Bad for You? Get the Straight Facts on Marijuana."Straight Facts, you say? FANTASTIC!
So I went. I took the marijuana knowledge quiz, got a perfect score on such mind-bending MENSAesque questions as:
People who smoke marijuana are more careful drivers.
- true
- false
Teen Sex & Drugs: Marijuana Can Lead You to Risky Behaviors
-According to a study from Family Planning Perspectives, teens who use marijuana are more likely to take risks that can negatively affect their lives and the lives of those around them. This study has found that students were 2-3 times more likely to be sexually active if they drank frequently, smoked cigarettes, or used marijuana. Read more>
That really explained a lot. Like why I never got laid in high school... not ENOUGH marijuana and alcohol! Hey! I bet that's the exact same reason why I'm not getting laid now! Come to think of it, the last time I had sex I was fucking trashed! Man this is great stuff! Then I clicked the "Read More" link...
According to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University:
* Teens who use drugs are 5 times more likely to have sex than are those teens who do not use drugs. (CASA).
* Teens who have used marijuana are four times more likely to have been pregnant or to have gotten someone pregnant than teens who have never smoked pot. (CASA)
* More than 1/3 of sexually active teens and young adults report that alcohol or drug use has influenced a decision to do something sexual. (CASA, the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation, and the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)).
5 times more likely! That is fucking clutch! I mean, aside from number 2 which sucks (though now I'm not longer the teenager so my feet are out of the fire... I guess that whole lowering your sperm count thing isn't really such a big deal), do they really think this shit is going to DISCOURAGE the average well, the aveage person who's doing internet research on the 15th season of The Real World from doing drugs? Did these people forget what teenage boys and girls spend about 99% of their day thinking about? Is this the whole Bush Drug Policy: "Hey kids. If you get drunk and high, you're five times more likely to score with that cute boy/girl in Social Studies with the HOT ASS!!! Oh...and you're even more likely if you get THEM drunk and high too (see number 3) Just check out this sweet vendiagram!"
That is ridiculous. Then I saw this stuff too and I was really starting to wonder:
* Using marijuana makes you really popular amongst your fellow peers. It's a win win. If you are smart then you're intelligence seems even more impressive to everyone. If you are a jock, them your athletic prowess seems more impressive to everyone. If you are a smart jock who smokes, the sky's the limit. Oh... and if you are the guy/girl who can get the weed (say from an older sibling or parent) you are the shit, plain and simple.
* Using marijuana will make your penis/boobs grow larger and it burns fat
* Marijuana makes life tollerable in your house with your stupid parents who don't understand you and you complicated mind and who won't let you do ANYTHING fun or stay out late even though your totally mature and even though all the other parents think it's cool and who obviously hate you and wish you were never born.
* You know that show South Park... yeah, weed makes South Park five times likelier to be fucking hilarious! There's this one episode where they say "shit" on TV like 200 times. Man it's so awesome!
None of those were real... but these people need to rethink their strategy.
Posted by PETE 10/5/04 1:04am
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Holding
I'm not going to lie (for what incentive would I have to do so?), legal research is boring. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a big fat dirty liar. That why it's some amusing to find the occassional gem of humor amidst an otherwise dry case. This one reared it's welcome head in the dissent to a case called United States v. Rybicki:
The majority opinion is a prolonged and sustained search for some prior settled meaning for an opaque statutory phrase so that it can be construed as a term of art. That effort ... considers an abundant variety of alternative meanings. However, a term of art has one single meaning, in the same way that a pun has two; it is as odd to conduct a scholarly search for the meaning of a term of art as it would be to hear a pun, conduct research in semantics, epymology and philology for a month, and then laugh.
Posted by Shark 10/4/04 7:48 PM
I Hate "The Real World"
I thought it was on the "10 spot" so I thought it was like 11:00PM after watching two episodes but evidently they replay the "10 spot" on the "Midnight spot" so it was really 1:00. That sucked. I'm tired. Also I left my wallet at home today and had to borrow bones from my co-worker Haig, and I bought peanut M&M's and as I was walking into the lobby at my office I opened them and dropped the bag on the ground sending 25 brightly-colored candies scattering across the floor. Then I had to pick them up, and the front desk dude offered me his garbage can. I was like "Uh, no that's OK, I'll take care of them." Then I waited until the elevator door closed and started eating them. They have hard candy shells.
Posted by Hip E. 10/4/04 3:16pm
Dear Stuff Magazine,
Lets get this out of the way first - I still hate you. As a publication, I still consider you the USA Today of men's lifestyle magazines and I still maintain that the collective brain power of your readership barely exceeds the amount necessary to open a can of soda - but I am a man who believes in giving credit where credit is due and this month you deserve much credit and thanks for featuring Vanessa Branch, the Orbit Gum girl, in a pictorial. Anyone who knows me know that if I'm a sucker for anything, it's blonde girls with ample chests and sassy accents... so it's understandable that I've been lusting after this particluar spokesperson for quite some time yet, until now I have been without the requisite sexually suggestive pictures with which to fuel the engines of fantasy. I think these will do nicely however:Damn. The problem I think with having a spokesperson this ridiculously hot (Take notes Overstock.com) is that, when I watch the Orbit Gum commercials, I'd say chewing gum doesn't even break the top 100 of "things I'm thinking about." I think an exception to this rule is obviously advertisements for things that are always in my top 100 no matter what... like say alcohol.
Posted by PETE 10/3/04 6:59pm
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