"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of  petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."

                                          - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint

 

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                                Some Time This Century

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Email:  thejotel@gmail.com
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THE JO-TEL IS:

Shark 

Hip E.

PETE

The Quail

Johnny D  

We get naked in bars way more than
you and you know what that means ...
We read Proust.

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FEATURES*:

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CURRENTLY READING:

Hip E.
 - Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759-67)
 - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)

Shark
 - Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
 - Kevin Star, A History of California:
1840 - 1875. 
 - Paul Celan, Breathturn

PETE
 - Cormac McCarthy, Suttree

Johnny D.
 - Jean Luc d'Emo, Reel

The Quail
- Dave Eggers, What Is the What
- James Joyce, Ulysses
- Don Gifford, Ulysses Annotated 

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

Hip E.
 - Neko Case, Blacklisted (2002)
 - Hip E., Pando Mix Rev. 0  (2007)
 - Rock Plaza Central, Are We Not Horses? (2006)

Shark
 - Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Blank
Generation  (1977)
 - The Kinks, The Village Green Preservation
Society (1968)
 - Silver Apples, Contact (1969)

PETE
 - Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)

Johnny D
 - Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it (1980)
- The Blow, Paper Television (2006)
- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3 (1999)

The Quail
- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)

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MEET THE JOUSE GUESTS*:

John
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 on Shark's couch
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Andrea
Ben
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Wilson
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JohnPatsyLady A.
Lauren's B/f
Jenny B.
Paul James (infant)
Beck E.
Lisa Says
Ben
Nick Martin
Caitlin
Melissa
Sosia
Riley
Nicole
Reid's friend (chiefed heavily)
Virginia

* A Jouse-guest is someone who has
   spent the night at the Jo-tel. 

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I'm on the trail of a chocolate soda for
my wife.
                           - Charlton Heston (1924 - )

 

Pairs of Things My Brain Cannot Distinguish Between:

1.  The Postal Service - AND - Interpol

2.  A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man - AND - The Picture of Dorian Grey

Posted by Hip E.  2005-10-31  13:42:01

I'm Glad I ... This

Animal Collective
Feels
Rating: 9.1

Pitsomn experts yelly neverfield.  To, then, open-in.  Fillen en flure.
Get bin-making helpness.  Turnin rivulor.  Rivulor.  Not: this is ... glad.
Epert xxx.  Efepterpert xxx.  Helloh to yo'r undernation hand-traight.
Pleesr versus underyelly figure five.  Just bright, deathly longfellow.
Must such beings's bastunderlay, vall call, water falll dinin, do
Gren grssss, rollick in xero: whatit I dunne must such
In the mist.  Must such as an underyelly, field findter, finded
Such yn 'ion standing - must such as an underyelly, underyelly, underyelly.

Posted by Shark  2005-10-29  11:24:27

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Jo-tel Celebrity Watch - They're Just Like Us!

I was staring at the extremely blank NYTimes crossword down at starbucks this morning when tiny-faced jo-tel favorite Mena Suvari (sp?) and an uglier, older friend stopped in.  Mena was looking put together in some presumably expensive clothes.  Jeans with a Norman cross on the back pocket, West Coast Choppers style, and a big black leather purse with a matching Norman cross.   Jeans tucked in to badass vampire hunting boots with sturdy straps, a black leather jacket over a tank top, and a dumb-looking "don't look at me" hat.  Her friend looking older, but rich, and very pissed off that other people were allowed to look at her famous friend during their alone time.  I was sitting outside.  They crossed Polk and went in as I was thinking, "Is that Mena Suvari?  Wow, she has a very small face."  All the tables inside were taken, which is why I was outside.  They put their stuff down by the cushy chairs just inside the door, directly on the other side of the window from me.  I played it cool.  For the sake of journalism I'll mention that when she bent to put down her bag, I accidentally had to look down her shirt.  She was wearing a bra.  No big deal.  So then her friend sat with their stuff while she went further into the store.  Ordering a coffee?  Let's not jump to conclusions.  By this point I had guessed that "jalapeno-topped snack" was NACHOS.  Maybe Mena was also thinking about nachos, because instead of ordering a drink, she made a beeline to the restroom.  Luckily for her, Starbucks switched over from the old "key on a large object" bathroom system to the more anonymous "lock on the inside of the door" about four months ago.  When she came back, her friend got some coffee, saltily.  After that, all that was left to do was have a fireman introduce himself and shake her hand before they walked down the street, disappearing into either Swallowtail or the Newspaper/Magazine shop.  JUST LIKE US!

Posted by Hip E.  2005-10-28  14:13:35

Scientology Spreads!

Katie Holmes gave Victoria Beckham a book about Scientology "healing assists" when young Romeo Beckham got sick and had to go to the hospital twice in three days.  Certainly, playing on a mother's concern for her child's health is one of the more respectable ways to promote your insane space opera cult.  I mean Tax Exempt Legitimate Religion!  This is the same book that was being hawked on "What Is Scientology?", a program on Cable Access that I saw the last 30 seconds of on Monday.  You know it's a fact that I won't be missing that show again.  Until I get a job. 

Posted by Hip E.  2005-10-26  17:00:17

Cock + Balls or: Near Nudity Not Narrowly Nixed

This morning I awoke to a room bereft of dry towels. It being 6:30 in the morning, I made the decision to walk naked down the hall to the laudry room (where fresh towels awaited me) unhampered by any concern for having my nudity detected by an unsuspecting onlooker. As I walked past the bathroom, I notice that the light was on and I heard a few coughs. Then I heard a female voice. "Hello," the voice inquired as I passed the door. I remained silent. "Interesting," I thought, "one of Reid's girlfriends got drugged up last night or something and is vomitting in the bathroom.  Maybe she's bulemic."  Either way, I realized that approaching her in my nude state would probably not help anything so I continued to the laudry room to retrieve a dry, loin-shielding towel.  On my way back, preparing to wrap the towel around my still-exposed nads, I noticed an inquiring form in the hall in front of me.  "Hello?" she meowed, in the same voice as before. "Hi," I managed as I quickly tried to finish shielding my manhood from the as-yet-unidentified guest.  "Is that your car parked in the driveway."  Then I realized it was our neighbor, Melanie (hereinafter "Mel").  "No," I said nervously, "I don't think so, uh..." looking toward the bathroom, "Oh wait." I knocked on the bathroom door.  It was Reid.  Shitting.  I turned to Mel, "He'll be right down."  "Thanks," she said and made her way down the stairs through the fake Halloween cobwebs and plush severed heads that line our entry way. 

So now Mel has seen me naked. That makes the following list of people that have inappropriately seen my junk:

        - Linda
        - Mel
        - San Francisco

Posted by Shark  2005-10-25  21:00:55

Details of the War

• On my way to work yesterday there was a dead deer laying rigidly along the highway.  Where am I?  Oregon?
• I would place the USC/Notre Dame football game last weekend as one the top five athletic games I've ever seen.  And maybe the best part was that those incense-burning Catholic degenerates lost.  Right at their own sacred stadium wearing their special stupid green stupid jerseys.  How can I not hate a team that plays in a stadium where this mural rests on high above the stadium.  Plus, apparently a large cadre of students wore shirts that said, "Different Year. Different Coach. Different Pope. Same Jesus."  Plus, one time I did it with a dead guy.
• Stylus Magazine inducted the Electric Light Orchestra into the "Stylus Magazine Music Hall of Fame." Wow. Congratulations go out to ELO for attaining this truly meaningless honor.  And now, in a similar gesture of recognition, we at the Jo-tel would like to induct The Beatles into the "Jo-tel Music Hall of Fame." Congratulations Paul and Ringo. You guys deserve this honor. You really do.

Posted by Shark  2005-10-24  20:18:25

Johnny D. Gets Blogging Right

...for once.

Posted by Hip E.  2005-10-24  10:51:05

Stats of the Weekend

14  -  The number of times I peed on Saturday.  That includes 6 times before I left the house at 11am. 
8    -  The number of beers I drank on Friday night en route to a pretty bad hangover all day Saturday.  At what point did 8 beers become able to take me out for 24 hours?  You kids out there, make sure you never get this old. 

Posted by Hip E.  2005-10-24  10:37:20

Watch Out Smoosh!  Nazi Little Girl Group On The March!

These sassy thirteen-year-old twins are out to blitzkrieg the pop charts with their wholesome anthems of racial purity!  Lynx and Lamb Gaede already have one album, "Blonde Hair Blue Eyes", and they're back in the studio as we speak, looking for their first Racialist/Mainstream rock crossover hit!  And they're from Bakersfield!  Just when you thought Bakersfield couldn't get any worse.  Freedom of Speech is often associated with Freedom to Be an Asshole in this great land.  Unfortunately, one of the basic pillars of Americanism is that you can teach your kids anything you want to.  At least the rest of us have the good sense to make fun of them mercilessly. 

*Update*  They have a website and a blog!  Apparently their little brother is named Dresden.  Damn that is scary.

*Update 2*  Dresden is their little sister.  I don't know why I assumed that Dresden was a masculine name.

Posted by Hip E.  2005-10-23  10:03:21

iPod Video

My iPod video has shipped. f it doesn't get stolen out of the mail like all my amazon.com purchases, I should be receiving it on Monday. Move over cell phone game.

Posted by PETE 2005-10-20 22:05:32

Jury Duty?? More like... BORE-A-PHIL!!!

Posted by PETE2005-10-20 22:02:29

Leave, Erikson

Leave, Erikson.  Just ... leave.  I'm totally fed up and now I'm asking you to leave.  Now look, I gave you thirty days notice - you can't deny that - I've done my part of this.  And ya, I know, I let you stay on longer than that, but - Erikson - goddamnit man don't make me regret my act of kindess, okay.  Don't make me regret feeling sorry for you.  And for Christ's sake don't pull any of that legal bullshit on me, Erikson.  I'm sick of it.  No one's gonna sue anyone else, so let's act like goddamn human beings here. Look. You know you're in the wrong.  You know that, Erikson.  You must.  You must also know that you're only insisting on hanging around because you're goddamn stubborn.  Admit it, dude.  That's why.  I mean, look, you're a smart guy Erikson, no one's denying that. All that BS about discovering American and crap - fuck, for all I know it could be true, you seem like a pretty intelligent dude.  But, honesty, I mean, the friggin' food! - leaving your food on the table for days like you're some goddamn mead-drinking Viking or something.  This isn't Norway dude.  This is mortherfucking America, 2005.  And I'm not asking you to leave the stinking country, I'm just asking you to get yourself and your rat-nest beard and your pony tail and your ever loving, son-of-a-bitch loin cloth out of my goddamn apartment.  Now I'm gonna go into my room and finish working on this piece of crap resume that I'm writing for a hippie in San Francisco.  If you're not gone by the time I'm out, I'm gonna call the damn cops.  Seriously, Erikson.  I'm sorry it had to end this way, but don't make this worse than it needs to be.  Allright.  Thank you.  Thank you, Erikson.

Posted by Shark  2005-10-20  07:42:35

Top Ten Twilight Zone Episodes

They were great.  I remember them more clearly that most times during my childhood.  Those fall weekends, the holiday approaching.  Lying on the coach on a cloudy afternoon.  You fortuitously flip to an episode of the Twlight Zone.  After the episode ends your whetted appetite is greeted with another episode.  When Rod Serling's devious voice begins to introduce the third well-crafted installment you realize that you are in the eye of a marathon.  When the first commercial break slides into place, you bolt for the kitchen, realizing that you'll need more provisions.  Here's my "top ten":

5. "Time Enought at Last"

What's amazing about this episode is how deliberate the build-up is.  We spend the first twenty minutes of the episode witnessing trifling and pathetic details in the life a read-a-holic bank teller - from his icy wife to his penchant for eating lunch in the bank vault.  The atomic bomb explosion that spares only our vault-bound protagonist jars the narrative to life.  But soon we slow down again as the banal bank teller mopes ploddingly through the ashes.  It is only after the episode ends that we realize that the whole damn thing was a build-up, intended to turn the story's impossibly subtle last twist into an unforgettable turn of the knife.

4. "The Talking Doll"

"I'm talking Tina and I'm going to kill you," says a doll in a chirpy voice.  The scene where the doll actually does kill the frightened husband seems all the more scary emerging from the staid black and white of an early sixties TV show.

3.  "Eye of the Beholder"

This is the one where that chick is getting operated on by masked doctors while the doctors talk about how this surgery is the last tactic that they will deploy to try to bring this freak back into the fold because - before the surgery - she was so ugly that she had to be separated from society.  Turns out the "normal" doctors have pig noses and the operation has been a "failure" because the patient still has a regular human face.  An object lesson in subjectivity. 

2. "It's a Good Life"

Six-year-old Anthony Fremont has the power to manifest his desires.  So of course he terrorizes and controls his town by disfiguring and killing people.  But I think the eeriest part of this episode is the mysterious, unseen "cornfield" to whence he wishes those that bother him the most.  If George Lucas had directed this episode, he would have digitally recreated the cornfield as an apocalyptic pit of spikes filled with digitally rendered human and alien victims who act out racial stereotypes. 
 
Modernly, this episode was parodied in a Simpsons Treehouse of Horror skit.  The Simpsons has used several TZ episodes over the years (including "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet" and "Time Enough at Last"), but I think the parody of "It's a Good Life" is the best.  Bart turns Homer into a jack-in-the-box, but unlike in the original episode where we just see the ominous shadow, in the Simpsons episode we become acclimated ad hilarium to the quotidian details of Homer's life as a jack-in-the-box.  Jack-in-the-box Homer's decision to go to therapy is one of the last appearances of Dr. Monroe.  Makes you think. 

1. "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street"

A small street in the suburbs.  Lights flash.  The people look up.  Afterwards they realize that their power and electricity are out.  No one's car starts.  A boy steps to the front of the crowd and says that, in comic books, when the aliens land they communicate through other implanted aliens.  The implanted aliens look just like humans.  Then one of the neighbor's car starts.  A wife suddenly remembers.  She saw him staring up at the sky one night.  Insomnia, he claims.  Another neighbor has been tinkering with a strange radio.  Just a model ham, he implores.  Finally, another neighbor, returning from across the street is thought to be an alien in the darkness and shot dead by the frantic mob.  A riot breaks out.  As the street is being destroyed, the camera pans up into the hills, where two aliens (humans with funny hats) have this climactic conversation:

ALIEN ONE: Understand the procedure now? Just stop a few of their machines and radios and telephones and lawn mowers...throw them into darkness for a few hours and then you just sit back and watch the pattern.
ALIEN TWO: And this pattern is always the same?
ALIEN ONE: With few variations. They pick the most dangerous enemy they can find...and it's themselves. And all we need do is sit back...and watch.
ALIEN TWO: Then I take it this place...this Maple Street...is not unique.
ALIEN ONE: (shaking his head) By no means. Their world is full of Maple Streets. And we'll go from one to the other and let them destroy themselves. One to the other...one to the other...one to the other--

And before Serling's voice even begins to pierce the dark suburban landscape, the viewer remembers that the episode aired during the heart of the Cold War:

NARRATOR: The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices - to be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill and suspicion can destroy, and a thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all of its own for the children and the children yet unborn.  And the pity of it is that these things cannot be confined to ... the Twilight Zone.

Posted by Shark  2005-10-18  19:27:23

LOST Season Two Available On iTunes

I don't mean this as news in the way that other people did when they blogged about this like three weeks ago or whenever everyone else found out about it, but for me this is huge.  I just spent the last two weeks feverishly going through all seven DVDs from the first season, and I was going to be very pissed if I couldn't get ahold of the episodes I've missed so far this season.  But now it's all good.  I have somehow restrained myself from publishing my many pages of angry ranting about LOST Season One in these pages.  Probably because I am a lazy sack of shit.  However, I will say this.  It was impressive that they were able to purchase, disassemble, ship from Arizona to Hawaii, and strew across a beach (there has to be a present-tense version of ''strewn', right?) an enormous decommissioned jetliner.  Also, if this show was on HBO it would have been approximately 9000 times better. 

Posted by Hip E.  2005-10-18  14:02:16

!!!Laguna Beach xxxHOTTxxx Gossip Round-Up!!!

OMG! OMG! L-Beach Overload, Brah! Our crack team of investigative reporters have uncovered two emails currently making the rounds that are so awesome that posting them will most likely result in the Jo-Tel receiving our first official Cease and  Desist letter (earlier this month we narrowly missed by not getting our hands on those photos of Anne Hathaway from her new movie - that sucks for a couple of reasons). I'm optimistic, but I'm also not holding my breath or anything. Get a couple of those though and you've really made it in the blogosphere. Of course we must bear in mind that this is all gossip, but some of it can be verified partly and most, if not all of it, is very believable to anyone familiar with the show, especially the part about Jason flunking Senior year of high school. HA!

Our first email comes from some dude (names have been removed to protect the... okay actually I don't know his name) who "chilled" with Tre at school. While showing his guests his extensive collection of designer trucker hats, Tre waxed nostalgic about his experiences on the show. Luckily this guy wasn't too high to remember anything:

We were chillin with [Tre] the whole day yesterday. You will never believe what a sham Laguna Beach is, the thing is edited like nuts, they literally create stories that people sit down and write about. Apparently everyone knows its bs but no one can say anything.
Anyway, I was laughing my ass off when I heard some of this:

1) Stephen's parents have practically disowned him after the show. They were not that cool to begin with and the dad couldn't deal with all the attention from his friends at work. If you notice they don't even pick up Stephen from the airport when he goes back for Christmas break, he takes a taxi.

2) Lo is the biggest slut on the show. Seriously, the reason no one really goes after her is because she took it from everybody her first few years. On the show she acts like a good girl because she is very afraid of her folks and that's the deal she cut with MTV. But apparently she is the dirtiest, and does mad coke now from what Tre says (I told you there was something there!).

3) That dude Matt that Kristen is "dating" is Matt Leinart, USC quarterback. He called her up after the first season and invited her up to watch a game of his. Apparently he digs her, but that is just the word from Laguna, I'm sure his SC buddies would tell it differently.

4) Maxim is offering all the Laguna girls half a million each to pose for their magazine.¹ That would be awesome by the way.

5) Tre used to date Kristen and in fact that's how she got to know Stephen! Tre dated her up until the beginning of his junior year I guess. He said you never really see them interact in the first season and when you do it is awkward. Tre didn't let to get to him b/c he's a cool dude (which he is actually) and didn't want to let a girl get in the way of his friendship.

I think that's the good stuff. Anyway, these guys are like celebrities now, especially with 16 yr old girls which he said is the hardest thing. The reason why Kristen is such a bitch to Stephen now is he got so much play in SF, basically everywhere he went as he commanded it. Even like chicks in their thirties apparently.² Strangely enough though the dude still likes Kristen, apparently he can't really get over her.

That's good stuff right there, and most of it makes a lot of sense. I always wondered why they never showed Tre with any chicks, because he did seem cool. And I also always wondered why Lo never blinked (just kidding Lo and Lo's army of high powered lawyers! Lo doing coke is the only part of that email that I don't NOT believe... oh I also don't believe she's a dirty slut!). The only thing amiss: what I heard from my friend Natalie (from LB, friends with Lo's sister, knows Stephen), and what I posted a few months ago, is the story of how she went out with Stephen to the biggest meat market in San Francisco (Kell's) and he left empty handed. Still, I'm sure that didn't happen a lot. Also, Matt fucking Leinart? Talan is dating Lohan, Kristen is dating the quarterback of the back-to-back national champs, this is getting insane. Next one of them is going to be banging Angelina Jolie (hopefully it will be LC).

Moving on, this next email comes from a girl who went to dinner with one of the writers. Again, it is unsourced, but most of the information is believable, verifiable, and it certainly does explain a lot about the weird Cabo episode.

As most of you remember last week the gang went to Cabo. I know that some of us thought it was weird that everyone was ignoring Jessica and hanging with Alex M. Here is some background. Before Cabo they showed Jessica meeting Jason at the golf course. They hung out all day and later that night they went to a party at Talan's house. Talan was trying to pull a fast one and not invite the MTV producers to the party. At the party (while Jason is supposedly still dating Alex M) one of Alex M's friends walked in on Jessica giving Jason head in the bathroom. The friend that walked in immediately called Alex M to tell her. Alex M and Taylor jump into Taylor's car to go kick Jessica's ass but get pulled over by the cops. Instead of playing it cool Taylor throws the fake id she has in her wallet into the back seat. The cops get suspicious and ask her what it was, do a search of the car, find the fake id, interrogate Alex M and get her to admit she has a fake id too. Cuff both of them and take them down to the station where MTV has to bail them out. So in one night Alex M found out that her boyfriend is a cheater and gets arrested.

The next day Kristen and her sidekick (I think that her name is Alex too?) anyway, they ask Jessica if she hooked with Jason and she totally denies everything. They later find out that she lied and that's why they are upset with her in Cabo.

LC and Jason are currently f'ing.³ Apparently Jason is a total moron (another big surprise) but he gets any girl super sprung. He failed out of senior year of high school and is not working. LC and Kristin are not enemies but also not bff. They are both trying to become famous so they are hanging in LA.

MTV is hated around Laguna Beach. People that are not on the show are always throwing beer cans and stuff at the cameras. MTV is currently are working on a spin off for next season with different characters. Kristin is on this month's 17 Magazine and also on the cover of next month's Rolling Stone "Hot Issue". She is attending USC but has not rushed. I know that you all think I am such a dork but you secretly love it....I wasn't interested in dating this guy so of course I just wanted to sit there and ask him a million more questions but I could tell he was getting a little annoyed. Anyway, had to share - thought it was funny!

This concludes our Laguna Beach xxxHOTTxxx Gossip Round Up. I'm sure most of this stuff has been all over Defamer and like blogs but I haven't had time to read any of that shit. Season Finale next Monday! Wow, I'm a huge dork.

Footnotes
1. Not sure if I believe this. That's a lot of money. I don't know what Maxim usually pays but this seems high.
2. Keep that man away from the Buccaneer then.
3. NOOOOOOOO!!!! God I hate that Jason guy. Cedric is cool though.

Posted by PETE 2005-10-13 20:07:30

Mid-Month Post About Poo

My friend Jonah is a funny guy. Today he sent an email that got forwarded to The Network and promptly Hall Of Famed, which is impressive considering that even after 3 years Will is still a bridesmaid in that department. Anyhow, I'm going to reprint the email with a picture of Jonah that he sent a while back for some reason and which I've been meaning to post and ridicule for some time but I think now it will serve the highest possible purpose in that it makes the story way funnier when you imagine this guy telling it.

So I was visiting this girl for a weekend hookup. We knew each other kinda well, but definitely not overly comfortable w/ each other. She had a tiny, tiny apartment. And I had a 13 inch fresh water eel of a poop ready to slide out from my lower intestine. So, I invested in a $25 getaway plan. $25 to escape this girl's 8' x 8' apartment. I knew it wouldn't be pretty. And I knew her lack of a bathroom fan left me with nothing to drown out the noise.

If I was to continue hooking up with this girl, I'd have to find some excuse to leave the apartment so I could shit in a public restroom.

I tried to play things all suave and suggested that we go to this classy restaurant for dessert. She got all giddy and excited. So we went, and ordered glasses of champagne and had some rich chocolate brownie dessert. About 3 minutes after sitting down, I excused myself and unleashed 6 ferocious pounds of dung into the restaurant's toilet. I came back to the table w/ a smile on my face, paid the $25 bill and proceeded to go back to her apartment to hook up.

She thought I was sweet and classy, when in reality, I just had to drop a Bryant Gumbal-sized deuce. It was the most expensive shit I've ever taken.

-Jonah

Hall of Fame status well deserved. Devious!

Posted by PETE 2005-10-12 18:40:57

Cell Phone Game Is Both Stupid AND Not Cool

Relatively recently I bought a new cell phone. It's pretty sweet I guess. I got it off eBay and it's cool because it's a Euro-phone, so nobody else has it really (except I'm assuming lots of Euros, but they don't count). There are some problems with it, however: 1) the Euro that sold it to me lied and said it had bluetooth, it does not; 2) it has smooth, rounded edges so it's not as good to open beers with as my old phone; 3) it doesn't get chicks.

Most people are generally aware that there are several different types of game. There is the good-looking-no-personality game (see: Koz his junior year). There is the I'm-an-excellent-dancer-so-talking-is-unnecessary game (See: Michael Jackson, who still drives women crazy despite... well despite any number of things). There's the I-have-a-girlfriend game (See: every guy with a girlfriend). And who can forget the I'm-rich-and/or-famous game (See: Tommy Mottola, Hugh Hefner, Wilmer Valderamma, Fred Durst, that asshole who got dumped by Kate Moss, etc., etc.).

Recently, however, I can't help but notice the upsurge in look-at-my-sweet-cell phone game.

The cell phone game is not exactly new because I remember reading an article in Business Week like two years ago about how guys in Britain were trying to use their cell phones to impress girls by, you know, doing sexy things like clipping them to their belts like idiots. And I'm sure the cell phone game has basically been around since the first days of cell phones, when even having a cell phone made you cool, and sort of overlapped with the I'm-rich-and/or-famous game. Back in the day you could have a cell phone the size of a wine bottle and probably it was still pretty awesome. "Oh my God is that on of those new touch-tone cell phones?!?!"

But now, with things like the Motorola Razr, the Rockr, and all those sick new Sony 73 Megapixel camera phones, cell phone game has really come into it's own.

Here's how the cell phone game generally goes down. A guy is talking to a girl (so obviously he's already past the hard part) and he receives a call on his cell phone. So he pulls it out of his pocket and makes the girl wait while he pretends to be thinking about whether or not he should answer, but really he's letting her hear the ringtone (It goes without saying that it's only a good idea to pull out the cell phone if you have a cool or at least a passable phone. If you have a shitty old phone then the best course of action is just to try and feel through your pants pocket and start mashing buttons until it stops ringing.) After the ringtone has played long enough so that he's pretty sure she knows it's the theme song from Family Ties, he sends the call to voicemail and slowly puts the phone away. Now the girl has gotten a good look at his cool cell phone AND she has received an indirect compliment on her ability to carry on an interesting conversation... At this point he might make some sort off-handed comment about the nature of the call, such as "That was my friend calling from New York," in an attempt to indicate the relative importance of the call and to further drive home the point that he would rather be talking to the girl. However, I've seen some guys slip up here and go too far by making the call too important, and concurrently making themselves look like uncaring assholes for not picking up, e.g. "That was my mom calling from jail," or "That was my brother. He's over in Iraq right now. But I'm sorry, you were saying you're a waitress? That must be interesting."

From there, it's a question of whether the cell phone was cool enough to initiate the cell phone game. This depends on both the coolness of the guy's phone and the relative coolness of the girl's phone. If the guy has a T610 and the girl has a sidekick, chances are she won't say anything. But if the guy has a Razr and the girl has a Nokia anything (because Nokias suck ass), it's on. I should also mention that sometimes a guy's phone is so cool that girls will just randomly initiate conversation.

If successfully initiated, the girl will say something along the lines of "Oh! Can I see your phone? Oh my god it's so [small/tiny/cute/adorable]." This is generally followed by a surprisingly lengthy and unsurprisingly inane conversation consisting of the girl asking the guy questions about his phone. "You get 3 day weekends AND unlimited text messaging? Oh my god that's so hot! Who's your provider? T-Mobile? Let's fuck!" My favorite part is when the guy inevitably launches into the heart wrenching tale of his life of hardship before his new cool phone delivered him for the dark ages: "You should've SEEN the piece of shit I had before. It didn't have MP3 ringtones, a digital zoom, nothing! The only game it had was Snake! I had to actually pull out the antenna! It was like, the Hurricane Katrina of cell phones." Of course the girl is just eating this up, because she can SO relate.

Watching this whole thing happen is really something else. The conversation is just so, SO incredibly boring that you can't fathom what kind of cruel God would allow it to continue, but continue it does until the point when the guy segues silky smooth into asking for the girl's number, which she readily gives him.

I don't really know where I'm going with this... I think I'm probably going to get a new cell phone though.

Posted by PETE 2005-10-11 23:22:53

Shark Completes Mix CD, Achieves Perfection

I've completed my latest mix CD and - I will not be modest - it is perfect.  "Everyone on the Raft!", finalized this weekend, is my first foray into complex manipulation (i.e. more than simply cutting a song short using the iTunes opinions).  With these tools I have been able to smooth out the edges of my transitions as well as include songs that I would have reluctantly disgarded for such petty reasons as an abrupt ending.  Now I can fade that shit out.  The result of this has been that I have been able to sustain interest without resorting to expansive lulls.  As such, this mix is my most accessible effort yet.  This fact may lead some to cry "Sellout!" or "Judas!"  I would discourage people from viewing "Everyone on the Raft!" thusly.  While payoffs may be less grandiose, they are certainly more prevalent.  As such, I feel that I have managed to squeeze maximum mixy pleasure into a lean 64-minute play time.  This is The Way:

1. Panda Bear - [Untitled Track]
2. The Microphones - The Pull
3. The Arcade Fire - Rebellion (Lies)
4. Radiohead - I Will (No Man's Land) > Punch Up at a Wedding (No no no no no)
5. Pretty Girls Make Graves - All Medicated Geniuses
6. Quickspace - Munchers No Munchers
7. Unwound - We Invert You
8. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Cabron
9. The Books - Bonanza
10. Of Montreal - Oslo in the Summertime
11. Brian Eno - Over Fire Island
12. Out Hud - How Long
13. The Books - It Never Changes To Stop
14. The Olivia Tremor Control - A Sleepy Company
15. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! - Details of the War
16. The New Pornographers - The Bleeding Heart Show

And now, my sincere offer: If you would like a copy of "Everyone on the Raft!" or any of the following mix CDs, please let me know by emailing the Jo-tel or by just posting your address and request in the comments section.  I'll take care of the rest.  Music is free:

10th Amendment
       A 10-song roadmap to why states can do whatever they want.

11th Amendment
       Instructions on how to sue a state in federal court in 11 songs.

Where's Yr Nepture Tonight?
       The night is like waves of punishment.

Where's Yr Artemis Tonight?
       In the morning I return to the hearth in pretty much the same condition.

Also: Posting the comment

From No One [64.81.50.140] - 2005-10-11 9:51 PM [Delete]

I'll take 'em all!!!!

would be predictable and, therefore, pretty lame.  I'm looking at you Pliska. 

Posted by Shark  2005-10-11  21:01:31

Short Conversations at the Jo-tel

If you are butt-averse, avert your eyes.

Hip:  What are you guys doing for New Years?
(simultaneously)
Patsy:  ...Nothing.
Shark:  ...Buttsex.

later...

Shark:  The butthole is the best part of the chicken.
Patsy:  How do you know?
Shark:  Because I've eaten it.

Posted by Hip E.  2005-10-11  20:11:10

Thrill's Thoughts on New Orleans

Thrill recently told me his long-awaited thoughts on New Orleans [FN1]:

"I'm sooooo over New Orleans.  All you hear on NPR these days is Katrina this and Katrina that.  American news channels have constructed a machine that manufactures news about Katrina.  Who cares out the people of New Orleans?  Those people are richer than me now!  Plus, all the people involved in the whole thing are annoying.  Mike Brown is a combatative putz with a boring name.  Ray Nagin's name is anything but boring - yet it's still annoying because everytime I hear it I go: 'Huh, Ray Nagin that's kind of like Ronald Reagan if you just, well ... no, that gives you Nay Ragin, which sort of sounds like "ray gun" ... and isn't that what they used to call Reagan?  Oh, I don't know?!  Thinking about Ray Nagin's name makes me feel so dumb!'  Plus, let's be honest, New Orleans wasn't that nice to begin with.  It was dirty.  And small.  And if Kanye West liked it so much her should have gone to live there himself.  Me?  I was Audi 5000 after high school.  What's that?  What about my relatives there?  I lied, I have no relatives.  I'm an orphan.  In fact, I'm probably a bastard child.  But I'll never know - my heritage is shrouded beneath a shameful veil of secrecy.  But regardless, let's all forget New Orleans and move onto bigger and better things - like Pakistan."

I don't agree with Thrill and think you should continue to donate to the relief effort in New Orleans. 

FN1: The following conversation did not actually occur. 

Posted by Shark  2005-10-11  14:42:30

A Common Occurrence

I was reading my new book, The End of Faith by Sam Harris, when something quite common happened to me.  So I thought I would run home and thrust the dissectioner's pin through it to fix it for a moment in the bright light of posterity.  "I write to discover what I think," said some guy from an article I read last week.  I was reading along about the Inquisition...

Historically, there have been two groups targeted by the church that
deserve special mention.  Witches are of particular interest in this
context because their persecution required an extraordinary degree
of credulity to get underway, for the simple reason that a confeder-
acy of witches in medieval Europe seems never to have existed. 
There were no covens of pagan dissidents, meeting in secret,
betrothed to Satan, abandoning themselves to the pleasures of group
cattle.  It seems that such notions were the product of folklore, ....

Wait a second.  The pleasures of group cattle?  Let's talk about The End of Faith by Sam Harris for a minute.  This is a very good book.  This is one of them books that I might end up buying you so you can read it.  [That's right, I'm already making inquiries into how much you would cost.  Once I have you in my possession, you will be given adequate light to read the book by.  Once you are finished you may leave.]  We've all read plenty of books about why it is unreasonable to be a Christian or to believe in the ancient gods of your basic major religions.  Obviously though, there are a lot of people who still haven't read those books.  Harris starts out from the point of view of a citizen of the world in the 21st Century, specifically of America, and explains why it is unreasonable for rational, moderate people in our society to tolerate the prevalence of religion in the world.  It sounds mean, and maybe even unAmerican, but really it's not.  Anyway, despite having gone to Stanfurd, dude is a very smart guy.  He's one of those authors where when you see a new word or a hard word, you assume that he's using it correctly and for a purpose.  This effect is strong enough that when confronted with the image of covens of witches abandoning themselves to the pleasures of group cattle, I thought for nearly a second about what a group cattle was and why I'd never heard of it before.  Was it a thing where a bunch of pagans would take turns violating a cow?  A bunch of cows take turns violating a pagan?  Hmmm.  But then I realized:

I had simply SKIPPED A LINE WHEN I WAS READING.  I think that's something that happens to even the most pure and innocent among us from time to time.  For some sinners it might happen every second or third page.  It's also one of those things that seems so trivial that it's barely even an annoyance, let alone a call to action.  But in these times of religious strife, Tom Cruise Scientology offspring, and suicide bombings, I think we need to take every opportunity to acknowledge the little things that we all have in common.  SKIPPING A LINE WHILE READING;  now that's something I think we can all tolerate, together.

Posted by Hip E.  2005-10-11  10:47:49

P.S  "...the pleasures of group sex, canibalism, and the casting of spells upon neighbors, crops, and cattle."
P.P.S.  Sam Harris kind of looks like Ben Stiller
P.P.P.S.  http://www.samharris.org/ is different from http://www.samharris.com/

Sweet, Sweet Sabine.

All this talk in the comments above Sabine Ehrenfeld made me thirsty for knowledge! So I set out trying to find the hottest, most bangtastic picture of her in the whole wide World Wide Web. Gentlemen, feast your eyes on this:

Damn that's hot! I guess her personal assistant must've screwed up and schedule this photo shoot on the same day as the Huey Lewis And The News concert...

Seriously, who is going to jump on this one? FHM? Gear? British Maxim? Someone needs to rectify this situation stat. The fact that I can more easily find a sultry photograph of Donna from That 70's Show that I can of this woman is just... It's just fucking sad okay? There, I said it.

Posted by PETE2005-10-10 19:20:35

Just Asking...

But does anyone else see the resemblance here?

It's funny the way these photos are aligned it almost looks like Saddam is shooting Steve Harvey in the head for being so not funny all the time and also for wearing such giant suit pants. Almost...

Also, it might be too late but I just want to remind our readers not to stare directly at Steve Harvey's teeth without some sort of tinted eye protection.

Posted by PETE 2005-10-10 18:54:20

Best Day Ever.

Despite being a huge White Sox fan I can decide which picture makes me smile more. This one:

or this one:

HA! Fuck Boston. Where's your God now, Kurt Schilling? With all the ridiculous bible thumping you did last year after you received that stigmata on your ankle, you think, at the very least, Jesus would've made sure you got a chance to pitch in the playoffs. Instead, El Duque, a Godless Communist from Cuba, pitches his way out of a bases loaded no out jam and now tomorrow you're going to be sitting on your ass instead of pitching to try and force a game five. All part of God's plan I'm sure... Now all you have is your millions of dollars, and your beautiful wife and your championship ring... and memories. I hate you, Kurt Schilling. But not as much as I hate that asshole Manny Ramirez.

Right now I'm going to leave work, go home, grab a broom and a dustpan, go down the the Buccaneer on Polk Street wearing all my White Sox gear, and sweep the fuck out of it. Shout out to my boys Condon and Tello, to Tello's dad Ray, to Eazy-E, and to the other White Sox fan in San Francisco. In two years I haven't met you, but I'm sure you're out there somewhere, I'm sure you're drunk, and I'm sure you hate all the obnoxious Boston Fans that live in this city just as much as I do.

It's okay Boston fans. You thought you had us beat but you didn't know about our secret weapon... B.A Barakus.

Photos courtesy of Getty Images and the Chicago Tribune.

Posted by PETE 2005-10-07 22:26:07

Allow Me...

To save you some time. Here's how Shark's post immediately below this one SHOULD read:

The Senate version of the new spending bill for the war in Iraq contains a condition requiring that no prisoner of war be kept in cruel or inhumane conditions.  Bush has been adamant that he will veto a bill that contains such a provision.  The cruelty of this piece of news lies not its clear-cut indictment of Bush.  The justification for the Bush position is probably two-fold.  First, sometimes members of the military have to put cruel pressure on captured terrorists in order to obtain information that could save future lives.  Second, --

Aaaand cut it off right there because that's where everyone is going to stop reading anyways, so why waste the disk space? It's little decisions like this that are going to make our 25MB last a long, long time. I can tell already that we're going to have to fall back on our comments section again this month. Things are looking promising though with the emergence of Lady A as a possible new force, and with Linda coming out of the gates strong with a huge zing on her beloved. We'll see.

Posted by PETE 2005-10-07 21:58:05

The Angel of History

The Senate version of the new spending bill for the war in Iraq contains a condition requiring that no prisoner of war be kept in cruel or inhumane conditions.  Bush has been adamant that he will veto a bill that contains such a provision.  The cruelty of this piece of news lies not its clear-cut indictment of Bush.  The justification for the Bush position is probably two-fold.  First, sometimes members of the military have to put cruel pressure on captured terrorists in order to obtain information that could save future lives.  Second, sometimes abuses happen, but to cut funding would simply be too dangerous for those still involved in the war.  It may be surprising that I'm not sure whether I agree or disagree with these reasons.  Once one is involved in a war, one must make repeated decisions that one finds to be morally repugnant because the alternative is even more repugnant.  The best decision would be to avoid war at all costs.  But instead Bush misguidedly entered into a war that we did not need to fight - a war that, by our very fighting it, puts us in greater danger than if we had never fought it at all.  We are led by our intellectual inferiors.  People who have learned nothing from the mistakes of the past.  People who ignore parallels to the Vietnam War or to our over-wrought reactions to the Soviet threat.  Muslim extremists hate when Americans are present on Arab soil (their stupid religious promised land).  They are wrong in this regard.  However, if one is going to throw a rock at a hornet's nest, one better have a good reason.  Sadam had no WMDs.  He was a paper tiger who rejected the weapons inspectors because he enjoyed (and thrived on) being feared.  Sadam made a mistake.  Perhaps he reasoned that the U.S. would not intervene because it was strongly against its interests.  If this is what he thought, he was right.  But he was also wrong, because we did invade.  Again: Sadam - maybe right, but wrong;  cruelty to prisoners - wrong, but maybe right.  After sitting through several classes of political science, I feel like one of many people who are unfortunately more inclined to direct this country than the leaders currently at its helm. 

In this regard I am reminded of what, to me, is the most pointed observation in all of philosophy.  Marxist philosopher Walter Benjamin, inspired by the Paul Klee painting to the left, was speaking of the role of the intellectual.  He compared the historian to an angel with outstretched wings that could not be retracted who constantly faces a wind from the past that propels him forward.  The angel is forced to watch the present unfurl as he is blown from the past with his back to the future.  That moment of "present" that the angel can see only after it has occurred in front of him perfectly conveys the frustration of being confined to watch the present being destroyed without being able to do anything about it. 

That brings me to this.  The Vatican today released a new and improved policy on homosexuality.  There are no homosexuals allowed in the ministry.  Moreover, those who show an "intellectual curiosity" towards homosexuals will also be excluded.  If a candidate has shown homosexual tendencies in the past, then he may be considered only if shows to have reformed himself for no less than three years.   Dammit ...  why won't these wings close!

Posted by Shark  2005-10-07  15:04:55

Eerie Classmates.com Banner Ad

Those of you who use hotmail will be familiar with this banner ad.  To me, it's more than just an online ad.  To me, it's an online ad with pictures of people that uncannily resemble people that I know.  From left to right:

#1: Margueritte (Hip E's sensitive ex-girlfriend)
#2 Mini-Shark (my socially superior younger brother)
#4 Snax (a fat lazy ass shit head, or "FLASH")

Posted by Shark  2005-10-07  10:44:30

Laguna Beach... Still Awesome.

Remeber like maybe two months ago when I lamented the death of quality pictures of Kristin (Cavallari) floating around the Web?* Yeah well... thanks to this month's Rolling Stone, that era is finally at an end. Observe:

Thank God. That was getting ridiculous. I mean, Laguna Beach has been 1) extant and 2) wildly popular for what? 2 years and this is the first magazine ever to think "Hey! I bet including some tasteful photos of that insanely fine high school girl from that one show that's on before My Super Sweet 16 might be a good idea." Sure there's a lot of airbrushing going on here but still I'd say that this is as satisfying if not more so that when Stuff finally decided to do a spread with the Orbit Gum "But how does your mouth feel?" girl. The only explanation I can think of is that she just turned 18 but by the time Sweet Lohan was 18 I already had enough pictures for a slide-show screen saver. And here's the other thing: we KNOW LC is 18, we KNOW she looks just like Ben Stiller's wife, which is to say she's hot and probably destined to be in lots of movies with Ben Stiller, so where is her photo spread? And while I'm on the subject where is Ben Stiller's wife's photo spread? She's been hot since she played Marsha Brady.

Aside from LC, I'd say the women most in need of a photo spread in a major publication are probably the Overstock.com girl that I thought was Heidi Klum for like a month, or Amanda Seyfried, the Mean Girl from Mean Girls who was not Rachel McAdams or Lacy Sherbert (sp?).

Anyhow, as for Laguna Beach the show, my initial reaction to Season 2 was luke warm, but things are getting better. Basically all the new characters are lame but I like the focus on Jessica, the textbook big breasted high school girl with low self-esteem who likes the worthless guy with no personality. That's unfair to Jason I guess though because what he lacks in personality he more than makes up for in amazing, copious hair gel application. Also, I guess Talan in dating Lohan now or something? Funny, I actually didn't think it was possible for a woman to do worse that Wilmer Valderrama but Lohan continues to shock and amaze. I would give Talan props because I'm no hater (lie) but this is not the same Lohan that she was a year ago. I assume Talan probably just has a really good coke hook-up and you know, good publicity for the new CD.

That new David Spade show is pretty funny. Here's a joke he told about Lohan getting in a car accident while speeding: "They cited her for weighing 85 in a 30."

*While writing this post I discovered that there are a lot of good new photos on the Laguna Beach home page.

Posted by PETE 2005-10-06 23:57:22

Six-Letter Word For "Hammered", First Letter "B"

My improbable run at NYTimes Crossword puzzle victory this week has ended.  It was a battle, but the puzzle came out on top.  I had to cheat on five letters.

A:  intersection of [Radar's hometown, in "M*A*S*H"] (answer: AWOIAWMUTTO) and [Low woman] (answer: ALTO).  At the time of cheating, I had _LT_ and AWOI_W_U_TO.

M:  intersection of [Radar's...] and [Bolivian underground?] (answer: TINMINE).  At the time, I had TIN_IN_.

T:  intersection of [Radar's...] and [Kiln] (answer: OAST).  I has OAS_, and I was leaning towards T, but the key was really that I didn't know where Radar was from and I had never heard of that specific town of 25,000 in Iowa. 

A:  intersection of [National airline of Afghanistan] (answer: ARIANA) and [Azores locale: Abbr.] (answer: ATL).  I had __IANA and _TL, but I didn't know where the Azores were or what the Afghanistan airline was. 

R:  intersection of [National airline...] and [Italian port] (answer: BARI).  I had BA_I, but I had also never heard of Bari. 

Helpful in solving the first three was the clue for 64-Across:  [Item literally useful in reading the answers to 20-, 32-, 41-, and 52-Across.] (answer: MIRROR).

Bastards.  That brings my total number of letters missed or cheated on this week to 5. 

Posted by Hip E  2005-10-06 09:39:51

Try it necessarily!

This is by far the most effective email spam I've ever received because it actually made me click the link... to... uh... see if there were any more hilarious testimonials (teste-monials!! you can kill me later for that joke). Anyhow:

Hello, do you remember me?

I'm Lionel from NY, I have taken new email address. Remember we spoke about a problem of short penis?

I have found at last a good product which is capable to correct this problem!!!This the best that i ever tried!!! My power and pleasure has trippled, my wife can hardly keep up, my penis has gone from 3.5 inches to just over 6 and is still growing!

This is More-Size, which I found at http://mutably.net/more/
Try it necessarily!!!

--

The best regards,
Lionel Read

Funny, I don't remember speaking to Lionel. But it was New Years Eve and I was wasted.

Posted by PETE 2005-10-05 22:22:45 

Another Conversation

Patsy [walking into living room in a towel] (to PETE and Hip E.): Okay, how many times in the history of the world do you think two sisters have got it on with one guy at the same time?

PETE: ...

Hip E.: ...

PETE: Countless.

Hip E.: Thousands... Millions... Definitely at least a million-- like ever in the history of the world since time began?

Patsy: Yes.

Hip E.: Billions.

Patsy: Billions?

PETE: I'd say it's probably going on right now somewhere at least in 14 deferent instances. Well... like maybe 14 times in the last 24 hours, but it's definitely going on somewhere right now. Like depending on what time it is in Thailand.

Hip E.: Patsy, do you know how many people have lived on earth?

PETE: If it happened once a year only that's like 10,000 times [note: stat may be incorrect] and it definitely happens more than once a year.

Patsy: Billions?

Hip E.: Yes, definitely.

PETE: At least.

Patsy: [turns around and walks out]

Posted by PETE 2005-10-05 22:06:34

Coincidence

I've had The Aviator on my Netflix queueue for a long-ass time, probably since it got nominated for an Oscar and was made by Martin Scorcese.  Also I've been vaguely interested in Howard Hughes because he was i) rich  ii) an engineer  iii) a badass  iv) crazy  v) the guy who made the Spruce Goose ("Get in the Spruce Moose.")  vi) the guy whose Spruce Goose is now located in OREGON.  I also thought there might be a lot of similarities between him and L. Ron Hubbard.  Anyway, sometime in the last couple of months I also added Orson Welles' F For Fake to my queue.  I can't remember why I did that, but it was probably one of those Netflix "other people who rented The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine also liked F For Fake" things.  Anyway, through the fascinating probabalistic machinations of the Netflix queueue shuffling process, I came to watch The Aviator and F For Fake within two days of each other.  First came The Aviator.  It is a good movie.  I had to watch it in two sittings due to its nearly three-hour running time.  It is a solid movie, but I definitely wouldn't call it great.  Howard Hughes led an amazing life, and some of the most amazing shit happened after the period covered in The Aviator.  Like really crazy stuff.  Anyway, so I was researching somebody's claim that the Spruce Goose is still to this day the biggest airplane ever made.  I find that extremely hard to believe, but the question is still open because I came upon this website about all this Howard Hughes stuff, including the time in 1975 when Hughes' public representative had to set up a televised press conference where representatives of the major media outlets talked to Hughes on a speaker-phone from an undisclosed location so they could dispell the rumors that he was dead.  Pretty awesome.  I think the main thing we can take from The Aviator is that Martin Scorcese REALLY REALLY REALLY needs to make a biopic about L. Ron Hubbard.  As interesting as Hughes' life was, it was pretty boring compared to Hubbard's.  Seriously.  I think Travolta could be the lead.

So then I turned on F For Fake.  As is often the case, I couldn't remember why I had ever put it on my Netflix queueue or what it was about.  Something about lying or deceit.  I thought it was a fake documentary.  A fakumentary, if you will (this reminds me of another post I have to do).  It turns out it is a great movie.  Orson Welles took the footage from another director's real documentary about this guy Elmyr de Hory, who was the world's preeminent fine art faker.  He could bust out a perfect copy of a Matisse drawing in five minutes.  Welles went to Ibiza to hang out with Elmyr and his people and to shoot more footage for his movie.  There he also hung out with a guy named Clifford Irving.  Clifford Irving made a splash in 1969 with his book on Elmyr, Fake!.  It was a huge blow to the Art Community.  Finally, Irving goes on before the film can be finished to gain even greater fame when he writes the sensational autobiography of an eccentric American tycoon - Howard Hughes.  In a scene that made me want to actually post something on my blog, Welles rolls the film of Hughes, on the speaker-phone, telling the assembled reporters that he's never heard of this Irving character and he never commissioned any autobiography.  Irving's second book, much like his first, was "Fake". 

Some people would ascribe such a pointed coincidence to the manipulations of an involved supernatural being, gently guiding me towards some inscrutible destiny.  But that is so stupid.  It was a coincidence!  These things just happen.  The reality of it is cool enough, without having to decide which mysterious way Jesus is working in this week.  I love coincidences.  They really make you think. 

Posted by Hip E.  2005-10-04  13:34:57

His Name Is Ben...

and despite the fact that he's a writer whose favorite author I have never heard of, and whose second-favorite author is Joyce, he can still speak intelligently about who would you rather date, cracked-out blonde Lohan, or Kristen from Laguna Beach three years after her 11th grade prime.  By the way, Talan is going to make a CD!

Posted by Hip E.  2005-10-04  09:32:06

A Conversation

PATSY: Did you know that there was a ball of pubic hair in that pencil cup?

SHARK: Yes.

Posted by Shark  2005-10-03  21:45:51

Exclusive Jo-tel Interview with the Fiery Furnaces!

After the Fiery Furnaces show at the Cafe du Norde, Jo-tel member PETE sat down with the band's attractive guitarist and vocalist Eleanor Freidburger.

PETE: So you guys are from Oak Park.

ELEANOR: Yeah

PETE: Me too. 200 South Kenilworth

ELEANOR: Really? 1000 North Oak Park Avenue. Did you go to OPRF [High School]?

PETE: Yes.

ELEANOR: When did you graduate?

PETE: '99

ELEANOR: '94

PETE: Oh...

ELEANOR: Yeah... [nods, looks around]

PETE: Allright, well ... see you later. 

Posted by Shark  2005-10-01  12:24:05

Comments:

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