"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of  petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."

                                          - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint

 

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                                Some Time This Century

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Email:  thejotel@gmail.com
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THE JO-TEL IS:

Shark 

Hip E.

PETE

The Quail

Johnny D  

We get naked in bars way more than
you and you know what that means ...
We read Proust.

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FEATURES*:

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Slang Dictionary
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* features are shit-hot

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CURRENTLY READING:

Hip E.
 - Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759-67)
 - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)

Shark
 - Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
 - Kevin Star, A History of California:
1840 - 1875. 
 - Paul Celan, Breathturn

PETE
 - Cormac McCarthy, Suttree

Johnny D.
 - Jean Luc d'Emo, Reel

The Quail
- Dave Eggers, What Is the What
- James Joyce, Ulysses
- Don Gifford, Ulysses Annotated 

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:

Hip E.
 - Neko Case, Blacklisted (2002)
 - Hip E., Pando Mix Rev. 0  (2007)
 - Rock Plaza Central, Are We Not Horses? (2006)

Shark
 - Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Blank
Generation  (1977)
 - The Kinks, The Village Green Preservation
Society (1968)
 - Silver Apples, Contact (1969)

PETE
 - Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)

Johnny D
 - Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it (1980)
- The Blow, Paper Television (2006)
- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3 (1999)

The Quail
- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)

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MEET THE JOUSE GUESTS*:

John
Patsy
Linda
Jay
The Puma
Liz
Gabe
Merz
Tello
Jaskot
Tara
Cutler
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Pliska
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Fabulous L-Breeze
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Rebecca P.
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Neva
Annie
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Molly (honorary)
P.J.
Paul S.
Emily
Brew-Dogg
Reid
Reid's Girl
Downs
Some Chick who passed out
 on Shark's couch
Ross
Cameron
Mary (slut)
Miklos
Romie
Simon
Kubow
Becky B.
Walloch
John the Hippie
Stickler
Anna
Andrea
Ben
Lucy (dog)
Wilson
Lauren
JohnPatsyLady A.
Lauren's B/f
Jenny B.
Paul James (infant)
Beck E.
Lisa Says
Ben
Nick Martin
Caitlin
Melissa
Sosia
Riley
Nicole
Reid's friend (chiefed heavily)
Virginia

* A Jouse-guest is someone who has
   spent the night at the Jo-tel. 

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PAST PARTIES:

InDQ
Anti-Halloween
Anti-Anti Halloween
X-Mas in Mid-Nov
Beware the St. Ides of March

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* Weather Pixie does not work

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I'm on the trail of a chocolate soda for
my wife.
                           - Charlton Heston (1924 - )

 

Happy Halloween, Everybody

Posted by Johnny D 2006-10-31   23:56:18

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Finding Halloween, or: Why I Was Faulkner

STEINBECK (upon being awarded the Noble Prize for literature): Do you have any recommendations for an acceptance speach?
FAULKNER:  No. I was too drunk to remember mine.  

When I woke up with a paper plate tied, with dental floss, to my neck, the first thing I remembered was that I was in Chicago.  The House of Blues Hotel to be exact, whose spiriling parking lot structure provided the cover for Wilco's Yankee Hotel Foxtrot album.  

Yankee.  Hotel.  Foxtrot.  No.  That wasn't the song that was playing in the stereo in my hotel room right now ...  It's, wait.  Ya, it's "Effervescing Elephant" by Syd Barrett.  And ... yep, it's playing on repeat.  Hope you liked early Pink Floyd last night and this morning neighbors ...  Oh yes, I remember now, it was a Halloween weekend.  

I had fallen asleep in my jeans.  

Aaaaaaaaaaaand the legs were both rolled up like a bike messenger's.  Did I dress up like a minimum wagester from San Francisco?  A look in the mirror at the writing on the paper plate did the trick.  "WILLIAM FAULKNER"  That's right, I dressed up like William Faulkner, one of the greatest writers of the twentieth century and rocker of rolled up jeans [FN1], by taking off my shirt and wearing a paper plate around my neck with the words "WILLIAM FAULKNER" written on it.  And what a great century it was, Bill.  A closer look at my stomach revealed the words "Between grief and nothing" written in dark black pen.  Interesting.  I'm not one to leave things open-ended though, I thought.  So that explained why when I looked at my back it said: "I'll take grief."  Indeed fitting I thought, as I became acquited with my splitting headache.  But I was indeed badly hungover, since it took me minutes of wandering aimlessly around, trying unsuccessfully to do various productive stuff, to observe, in the mirror again, that my face was decorated with whiskers and a pink nose.  Just like William Faulkner.  Meow Meow My Mother Is a Fish Meow Meow.

As I disrobed to shower, I noticed that there was also some sort of candy crushed into the inside of my jeans.  Taste test: jup, Milky Way.  That one I'm still unsure about.  

FN1: ?

Posted by Shark  2006-10-30   21:06:19

Patsy

"Fuck NO we are not waiting for you; I'm HUNGRY!  I threw up my LIFE last night!"

Posted by Hip E.  2006-10-29   09:18:50

A Conversation

JOHNNY D (entering The Quail's room in costume):  Whatta you think? 
THE QUAIL:  Nice.
JOHNNY D:  I just put a bunch of gel in my hair. I'm an American Apparel photographer.
THE QUAIL:  Right on.  You and Hip E. and Patsy and Jay, right?
JOHNNY D:  Yeah. (Slicks hair back vigorously, causing it to lather.)  Oh shit...
THE QUAIL:  You kinda smell like my shower gel.
JOHNNY D:  Yeah, I think I used soap by accident.

Posted by The Quail  2006-10-28  11:21:22

I Wanna Know What Love Is

I'm currently blasting "I Wanna Know What Love Is" out of the speaker phone on my desk at work while on hold with T-mobile because as part of the minefield that one has to run through to cash in on the $6/month equipment insurance program one has to give them the purchase date of the phone, a piece of information that no one in the universe knows about their phone.  Anyone who thinks this isn't a deliberate effort to get people to just give up and buy a brand new phone with their own money is the worst kind of idiot.  You also have to report the phone lost to the police department and get a case number.  This involves the life-affirming activity of writing a paragraph to a police officer about how you're pretty sure your phone fell out of the pocket of your fleece while you were playing frisbee on Sunday afternoon at the "Hippie Hill" area of Golden Gate Park.  Apparently it takes longer than six hours to assign a case number, because it still hasn't shown up in my inbox.  You also need the name of the precinct, the badge number of the officer assigned to your "case," and the phone number of the station.  Once you have all that crap you can call T-mobile's insurance company and, using the automated phone menu, BEGIN the claim process for your phone.  God knows how long that process will take, but here's the kicker:  The very first step once you've lost your phone is to call T-mobile and have them suspend your service.  You then have 30 days exactly to get a new or replacement phone and reactivate your service, OR ELSE YOU HAVE TO PAY THE $100 EARLY CANCELLATION FEE!!!  So all they have to do is make it take more than 30 days to fulfill their contractual obligation to replace my lost phone, and they've made an extra $100!  What a racket!  It's a good thing I work for Big Oil - I don't think I could sleep at night if I had to accept blood money from an outfit like T-mobile.

Posted by Hip E.  2006-10-26  15:17:51

Chuck Norris "Facts" 

In his first column, he responds to the Turd Ferguson favorite, those "facts" about Chuck that have been flying all over the internet.  Let's see what he has to say:

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live."

It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.

By the way, without him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things – and so can you.

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever."

There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.

If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood.

And it's sure as hell not More Cowbell.  Couple things, Chuck.  Of course complex organisms like humans could never be randomly assembled out of their constituent molecules by random chance.  Nobody has ever suggested that they were.  Natural Selection explains how complex entities develop over long periods of time from simpler entities.  Explaining the existence of complex, sophisticated organisms like humans by positing the existence of an even more complex, sophisticated thing doesn't make any sense.  Then there would have to be some explanation for the existence of That complex thing, and so on into infinity. 

"Who made humans?" 
"God." 
"Who made God?"
"Supergod."
"Who made Supergod?"
"Nobody." 

"Who made humans?" 
"God." 
"Who made God?"
"Nobody."

"Who made humans?"
"Nobody.  Humans have developed through the process of Natural Selection from the simplest life forms over billions of years.  So have viruses, bacteria, and other parasites, which are the actual causes of diseases - not sin."

[The whole point of the Teleological Argument or "Argument from Design" is that if something is complex, then it must have been designed by somebody.  The argument defeats itself because, by its own rules, if God exists, then something must have designed him.  And so on.  It doesn't explain anything.]

Posted by Hip E.  2006-10-25  13:46:13

Your Horoscope for Today

This one's as good as any... 

Posted by The Quail  2006-10-24  15:21:33

Mmmmmm, That's Some Fine Print

I lost my phone yesterday in Golden Gate Park while tossing the frisbee.  Good timing, since we're having a party on Saturday and I haven't called anyone yet.  Knowing myself as well as I do, I've been paying the extra $6/month for the Protection Against Loss or Damage.  Check out some of the amazing things that Loss and Damage Protection does not apply to: 

B. EXCLUSIONS
1. This insurance does not apply to loss or damage caused directly or indirectly by any of the following:
a. Governmental Authority
Seizure or destruction of property by order of governmental authority.
b. Nuclear Hazard
Nuclear reaction or radiation, or radioactive contamination, however caused. If physical loss or damage by fire ensues, we will pay only for such ensuing loss or damage
c. War
(1) War, including undeclared or civil war;
(2) Warlike action by a military force; or
(3) Insurrection, rebellion, revolution, usurped power or action taken by governmental authority in hindering or defending against any of these.

As far as I can tell, if my phone is damaged in an assassination attempt by a crazed, lone gunman - as long as he is not hungry for power or motivated by an opposing political ideology - then it's still covered. 

Posted by Hip E.  2006-10-23  20:39:59

Varietals II

Re-read The Metamorphosis upon returning home and find it bad.
                                                                                             -Kafka

#5

So turns out that the words "going forward", as used liberally by HR personnel, are two of the most pointless words you'll ever hear.  "The new TPS report cover page will greatly help us to improve administrative efficiency going forward."  Oh!  Going forward!  Wow, things are really moving forward into the wonderful future!  Because, for a while there, I thought that the new TPS report cover was supposed to be implemented retroactively to old TPS reports only.  Phew. 

#6

I've had the pleasure, in the last few weeks, of attending two of the best shows I've ever been to: Man Man @ The Independent and The Hold Steady @ The GAMH.  One thing that was great about both was the outbreak of uncharacteristic (for an SF indie show) mosh pits.  I was weened on mosh pits in my early high school days so I've developed the desire to feel a live performance instead of just, to borrow a phrase from the Dismemberment Plan, "doing the standstill."  Now I'm going to go ahead and admit that most of the really hardcore mosh pots are pretty damned annoying.  Beside listening to a little live music, mostly what you're doing in these types of pits are two things: (1) holding your arms protectively in the air to deflect the painful, blindsiding approach of crowd surfers from above, crushing your head and neck; and (2) swirling around in the cyclonic pit while trying to avoid that dude with the spiked wrist band who's throwing indiscriminate punches.  Oh wait.  I forgot an important one: feeling up girls that are crowd surfing.  Dudes in the mosh pit are really good at this, having mastered the technique of flipping surfers over onto their stomachs, whereupon, if they are female, they can be groped.  But I'm really not a huge fan of these mosh pits.  They're too distracting.  But the pits that have been breaking out during the perenially staid SF concerts have been wonderfully moderate.  Plus, at The Hold Steady, I got to run up on stage during the last song.  Here's a picture I found on Flikr with me at the left.

Hip E was also on stage.   

#7

Every time I watch The Play it makes me laugh.  It's great that the best play in the history of college football is also the funnest.  Here's a youtube version that is slightly longer that the version that most of us are used to watching.   

I really hope that Cal beats UCLA this weekend.   

Posted by Shark  2006-10-22   11:35:34

Hip E. Random Journal Entry Volume III, 9.02.03

Sarah-
    Are you going out with Matt?  What did you talk about?  Did he call you or did you call him?  Davids going over to his grandparents today!  I can't call him because I call their [sic] all the time and I can't have the number keep appearing on my mom's phone bill.  I hope he call me.  He said he would!  Well write back - Hurray!

                                                                                               Meghan Flory

I would tell you if I was - My dream was weird - do you wanna hear it?

sure

Okay - I was walking with matt across some track and all the robert gray kids were [unintelligible]  anyway andy holmes came over and stopped by the track and said to Matt, "are you and Sarah going out?"  matt said "no" and then he walked with me and he said "Sarah will you go out with me?"  I said "I don't know!"  Then he kissed me and said "now you do!"  Than [sic] you and me and matt were staying in [unintelligible] fancy hotel together [unintelligible] shane bennett was [unintelligible] w/ his arm [unintelligible] and someone [unintelligible] around Katie-H-M and they left and you [unintelligible] sat down [unintelligible] and ate penuts [sic] and you say to me "Sarah, you can't go out w/ matt you would become a ho, slut, prostitute, easy going horror! and then I woke up before you could go on!!
                                                                                    w/b

that's a swell dream!  will you really call him?  Ask your dad [unintelligible] do three way because it would be really stupid having my friends call him!  w/b

I want to!  It's Okay!  and matt called me.  I was a swell dream.

  -Note passed between Meghan Flory & Sarah Doyle, 6th or 7th grade.  Found in Portland when I was up there.  

Posted by Hip E.  2006-10-21   02:59:00

Irony, Thy Name Is Homan

The image just about says it all:

Posted by The Quail  2006-10-20  16:40:55

Watch This Ad

I just got finished with a conference on blogging and podcasting (I know... the irony didn't escape me, either) that my work sent me to.  It was really, really tight.  The idea was that you learn how blogs and podcasts can advance the goals of your organization (there are many, many ways... like I said, it's tight).  One of the speakers showed us the below video as an example of how "new media" (i.e., blogs, podcasts, vlogs, video sites, etc.) are allowing companies to move beyond the 30-second TV spot.  This is a commercial for Smirnoff's new Raw Tea, and it's extremely, extremely good.  It pretty much makes me want to either drink one, or dress like these clowns for Halloween.

Posted by The Quail  2006-10-20  16:31:05

Quote from Ben Rothlesberger While Sitting on a See-Saw with His Mom, Measureing His Weight in Campbell's Chunky Soup, Which Would Subsequently Be Donated to Charity:

"Well I'm a quarterback, so I'm usually the one getting tackled. So it's nice tonight to do the tackling for once, and help tackle hunger in Pittsburg"

Someone that he pays probably wrote that. Amazing.

Posted by PETE 2006-10-17  23:30:03

Quotes from a Random Movie: The Monster Squad

New feature on the Jo-Tel which basically involves me going in and blatantly ripping off the "Memorable Quotes" section of IMDB. I first learned the value of this section when I was searching for evidence that "V For Vendetta" was, in fact, the worst movie ever. I just hope that IMDB doesn't find some way to break their link like they do with the pictures... God I hate you IMDB.

Horace: Wolfman's got nards!

Sean: If we pull this off, I'm gonna shit!

Eugene: Creature stole my twinkie!

Horace: No, Sean! Scary house! Real monsters! Us, twelve years old, remember?
Sean: Midnight, end of the world, remember?

[Dracula throws dynamite in the boys' tree house]
Dracula: Meeting adjourned.
[the tree house explodes]

Frankenstein's Monster: BOGUS! Bogus.

Rudy: Where the hell am I supposed to find silver bullets? K-Mart?

Phoebe: [outside the tree house, wanting to join the club] Mom says you have to let me in or else it's prescription!
Sean: That's 'discrimination' jerkoid! Prescription is drugs, which you're on if you think you're getting in here!

Dracula: [holding Phoebe up by her throat] Give me the amulet, you BITCH!

Patrick: Aww, man, fat kid farted!
Rudy: See? Told ya. Only one way to kill a werewolf.
E.J.: Hey Fat Kid! Good job.
Horace: My name... is Horace!
[Cocks shotgun]

Posted by PETE 2006-10-17 23:23:30

Double Clicks

Inspired by Turd Ferguson, [at this point in the post, I probably should have stopped writing] this post is about something that bothers me.  When someone is using the internet and they double-click on a hyperlink.  Double clicks are for icons.  Single clicks are for links.  My mom does this, a lot.  I think it has something to do with being older.  Maybe they didn't have single clicks on typewriters or black-and-white TV's.

Look out Headlights, here I come.

Posted by Hip E.  2006-10-14   08:20:27

Top Five Worst Jo-tel Posts

Ray, this looks extraordinarly bad. 
                                              -Egon

5. "Beware the Diet Dr. Pepper " by PETE

This is one of those posts where you start typing in the hope that something funny will happen.  But nothing funny happens.  Look:

The reasons that I love Diet Dr. Pepper are many - foremost among them being the fact that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes so good, it makes regular Dr. Pepper obsolete. I also love it because food items I like have a propensity to get taken off the market: Sunkist Sparkling Lemonade, Hagen Daas ice cream sandwiches, Vitner's Spicy Salt N' Sour chips, I could go on...

Please don't. 

4. "Forever Jung " by Shark / "Leave, Erikson " by Shark (TIE)

These derailed attempts to emulate the success of the legendary "Worst Cave Scenario" actually seem pretty funny to me.  But the to-put-it-mildly apathetic reaction of the masses revealed that Jo-tel readers weren't excited about being let down from the etheral heights of the "Worst Cave Scenario" by the stream-of-conscious-y, Karl Jung-inspired meanderings of "Forever Jung" or the small-town theater-feeling, Leif Erikson modernization of "Leave, Erikson".  Sometimes it's better to shoot for small targets, like beeps.  Then again, as David Cross notes in Ghost World, you can't hit a homerun without swinging the bat. 

3. "PETE's Christmas Present: Music. Tons of it. " by PETE

For breakfast this morning at first I thought I would have a waffle.  But then I realized that the waffles are actually Reid's and I've already eaten a few of them and, at the same time, I realized that Patsy had bought cereal and milk so I had cereal instead.  As I said, a few days ago I had waffles.  I put some syrup on them and realized, as the syrup seemed thick, that I've been raised on Light syrup (courtesy of my mom) and that I actually like Light syrup more because it reminds less of a brick wall.  Usually I go without breakfast, but on these two days discussed above, I had breakfast.

2. "Six-Letter Word For 'Hammered', First Letter 'B ' " by Hip E

Hip E's September 6, 2005attempt to convey his nerdy excitement regarding an allegedly interesting game of crossword was relentlessly bad.  As Linda noted in the comments with trademark vitriol:  "Intersection of [crosswords?] (Answer: BORING) and [recent Jo-Tel posts?] (Answer: UNFUNNY) = Make It Stop". 

In general, Hip E's brain suffers from a none-too-uncommon malady of assuming that if he is interested then others necessarily will also be.  My forthcoming "Bret DiCrezensco Post" may also illustrate this.  But to this date, nothing can really out-do the crossword post in this regard.  Plus, crossword puzzles are boring wastes of time.  Now novellas.  Those are a different story. [FN1]

1. "Headlights " by Johnny D

The world changed after Johnny D posted "Headlights", a frightfully bad post regarding ... well, I'd rather not even discuss it ... that's assuming I can even put its bumbling aims into words.  Those who have read "Headlights" are often left with a strange swirling feeling of confusion and revulsion not unlike the results of drinking half a bottle of NyQuil.  Headlights challenged the boundaries of what we consider a post ... in a bad way.  Grammar and syntax error may have been the only thing "Headlights" had going for it.  At least we understand the mind that makes typos.  Other than that, no one who I've spoken with has any idea what the point, purpose or plotline of "Headlights" is.  As such, unlike the floating poo it resembles, its badness may never be fully flushed out.  And those of you who clicked on that above list - yes, I did just compare "Headlights" to Jimmy Fallon.  I believe the comparison apt. 

FN1: The above was an oblique reference to my underrated novella Red Hill Mining Town: at the moment, distributed to five people, completed by one ... my girlfriend ... she liked it.

Posted by Shark  2006-10-13  20:15:16

The Anti-Anti-Halloween Invite Post - Directors Cut

Ah, October in The City. The days are getting shorter, the fog heads back out to sea, the flowers bloom... it's time to break out the sun block and hit the beach after the cold, dreary summer months. But October also means Halloween, and Halloween means lame parties thrown by lamers who don't know how to party [QED]. The problem here is that so many people throw parties for Halloween that the overall pool is diluted, and you don't know what you're getting. If you haven't been depressed at a Halloween party, watching a Pirate and a Disney Princess make small talk over a bowl of pretzel-and-cheese Combos, then maybe the Jo-Tel's 3rd Annual Anti-Halloween party isn't for you.

On the other hand, if you have either (a) attended a past Jo-Tel party, and thus know how we do, son, or (b) are a cool dude/chick who knows how to spell P-A-R-T-Y, perhaps you should drop by the Jo-Tel on the evening of the 28th.

This being the third Anti-Halloween party, however, we're doing things a bit differently this year. The first two Anti-Halloween parties were all about saying to the "establishment" and the "system": "Hey, man! Why can't I be invited to a party in the month of October without being forced to dress up? If I want to get drunk on someone else's booze while wearing my regular clothes, I should be able to do it in any month I choose BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA!! AND IN AMERICA WE DO WHATEVER THE FUCK WE WANT! HEAR THAT OSAMA?"

This year we're totally over that shit, and realize that dressing up once in a while is totally cool. In honor or our realization, we’ve rechristened our party The Anti-Anti-Halloween Party.  Expect frightfully delicious decorations... FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE! And since our house is generally as dirty as one of the rooms in Saw or The Grudge, we won't really have to do that much to make the atmosphere delightfully devilish! Ascend the steps to The Jo-Tel and descend into madness!!!!! Mwa ha ha!!  If that's not enough, Thrill will scare the shit out of you by threatening to tell one of his stories that go nowhere! Or Hip E. will jump from out of nowhere and engage you in a lecture on the evils of Scientology. Or Patsy will chain you to a chair while she forces you to watch Desperately Seeking Susan and Sister Act 2 – IN THEIR ENTIRETY!!!!! Or PETE will engage you in a HEART STOPPING one-sided conversation where he will just talk about himself non-stop until you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom!! Or Shark will get naked, or Reid will... you get the idea. It will be terrifying!!!

Drink in the ambiance while you enjoy two killer kegs, some spooky spirits, chilling chasers, a few macabre mixers, maybe some possessed pot, and maybe, if you're nice, Johnny D. So if you're one of those people that really enjoys dressing up, then by all means... get creative. HOWEVER, if you suddenly find yourself, on the night of the 27th, in a panic because you haven't figured out what to wear, and all the Halloween stores on Van Ness have been picked over by high school kids... relax. If you come sans costume, you will not be looked upon with a disdainful eye.

If you dress up like a Pimp however, you will be turned away at the door.

The Jo-Tel’s Anti-Anti-Halloween Party.  You better axe somebody.

Posted by the Jo-Tel 2006-10-12  23:42:59

Oh Johnny D...

Johnny D's post "I Have More Internet Dopplegangers with really bad hair..." is FUCKED UP in the following ways.

1)Title case not adhered to throughout title

2)That exact same banner ad was posted on the Jo-Tel months ago by... me or Hip E. after Shark sent it to The Network claiming that the Johnny D Doppelganger in question actually looked like Mini-Shark. We then further determined, aside from Shark being totally wrong as usual, that the dude in the heart looked like Snax, the girl with the beard looked like Marielle (sp?), the girl in the middle kind of looked like Jay, and - just to complete the task - the curly-hair blond looked like Marguerite.

3) Doppelganger is misspelled

4) What the hell is that code shit at the bottom of the page?

God DAMNIT Johnny D.

Posted by PETE 2006-10-12  23:32:56

The Anti-Anti Halloween Invite Post

There's nothing scarier than a double negative.  And last year's Anti-Halloween party was so awesome that I can't really remember anything about it?  \Wait, was I there?  Hm.  Regardless, this year will be memorable as hell.  See.  Already two puns and I haven't even mentioned the tagline (You Better Axe Somebody)!  We will have two killer kegs, some spooky spirits, creepy chasers, a few macabre mixers, maybe some possessed pot, and maybe, if you're nice, Johnny D.  Plus, we're totally going to give notice to our downstairs neighbors this time.  We'll do our obligatory "of course, you're welcome to stop by and have a beer..." and they'll provide the equally obligatory response: "No ... no, we'll just leave town like usual".  They're lame, old yuppies.  But you are not.  That's why we're inviting you.  Yes, you.  No, not you phenteremine.  Alright, you can come.  But absolutely no bringing online casino.  All I've been doing for the last two weeks is deleting that dude from the comments section. 

October 28; 9ish @ The Jo-Tel 

And just to confirm: it's a costume party! 

Posted by Shark  2006-10-10   22:00:41

I Have More Internet Dopplegangers with Really Bad Hair...

This is seriously starting to trip me out. Someone is out to get me, I swear: 

Don't get me wrong, the girl to the left of me is pretty cute, and I treaded dangerously far down the path of friends.  Her apparent lust over Snax was just a little disturbing.

Posted by Johnny D at some point 

Hip E. Gets Down to the Dulcet Tones of "Slow Motion" at Shasta

Posted by The Quail  2006-10-10  19:12:39

Those Must Be Some Really, Really Unhappy Missiles

From an article on the San Francisco Chronicle's website regarding North Korea's potential for striking South Korea: 

According to Stratfor, the north has some 10,000 conventional artillery pieces able to reach Seoul and the industrial heart of South Korea, as well as No Dong missiles and guerrilla forces that could quickly cross the demilitarized zone.

I didn't create that underlined hyperlink in the excerpt, either - that's pure Chronicle. 

Posted by The Quail  2006-10-10  15:46:16

 The Dangers of Learning Without Scientology

     If you were trying to teach someone all about tractors but you did not show him any tractors or let him experience the mass of a tractor, he would wind up with a face that felt squashed, with headaches and with his stomach feeling funny.  He would feel dizzy from time to time and often his eyes would hurt.

                            -The Scientology Handbook, by L. Ron Hubbard

Posted by Hip E.  2006-10-08  09:23:06 

Good Lead Paragraph

INDIANAPOLIS -- Indiana Pacers guard Stephen Jackson fired shots in the air in apparent self-defense after he was hit by a car outside a strip club early Friday -- the latest blow to a team struggling to rebuild its image.

Posted by Hip E.  2006-10-07   08:58:09

Varietals I

For once to pose questions here with a hammer and perhaps to receive for answer that famous hollow sound which speaks of inflated bowels.
                                                                                                                                                                                                    - Nietzsche

#1

I can't believe it.  I've definitely become that guy who uses "same" in weird, archaic ways.  A recent billing entry I entered at work reads, in pertinent part:

Analysis and evaluation of correspondence from Carrier for Insight Glass ... in conjunction with responding to same

I know.  I hate myself too.  But it should be noted that not ALL archaic uses of "same" make you want to punch the sayer so much.  For instance, it can be used comically.  Take this line from The Holy Grail:

KING ARTHUR: Are you the wizard who guards these parts?
TIM THE ENCHANTOR: THE SAME!

#2

There was this guy in college by the name of Hot Tub.  Hot Tub shamelessly embodied the dumb privileged kid from the suburbs who got what he wanted just because his dad is a partner at MoFo (like admission to the University of California at Berkeley with sub-standard numbers via the old now-I'm-applying-and-I-want-to-be-in-The-School of-Natural-Reasources-now-I've-been-admitted-and-I-don't-want-to-be-in-The-School-of-Natural-Resources-anymore-I'd-rather-be-in-the-actual-University gambit).  He also had a keen appreciation for shiny objects.  Well, this Hot Tub, he was a very distrusting individual.  As such, he decided to place a padlock on a large plastic chest wherein he kept all of his food and drink snackums.  One day a bunch of people in our house were drinking and Hot Tub was nowhere to be seen so someone just used the cable-cutters to lop off the lock, at which point we proceeded to eat every edible thing in the chest, including a bottle of wine.  We took many pictures and left the box full of little slips of papers that said things like:

I O U one snickers bar.

-Ryan Dorin

I owe you one bottle of 2000 Merlot

-Ryan Dorin

Ryan Dorin was a dude who was too perfect to not be blamed for such excesses of less perfect people. 


#3

Everyone is a lawyer now.  But that's allright.  I'm better than all of them.  Why?  Because I'm cool.  I don't let it get to me.  Now where the hell is my f'ing Blackberry?!!!


#4

This wonderful gem of whimsy has ruined my life.  Here you go:



"Wuthering Heights" by Kate Bush

Out on the wiley, windy moors
We'd roll and fall in green.
You had a temper like my jealousy:
Too hot, too greedy.
How could you leave me,
When I needed to possess you?
I hated you. I loved you, too.

Bad dreams in the night
You told me I was going to lose the fight,
Leave behind my wuthering, wuthering
Wuthering Heights.

CHORUS

Heathcliff, it's me, I'm Cathy, I've come home. I´m so cold,
let me in-a-your window.

Ooh, it gets dark! It gets lonely,
On the other side from you.
I pine a lot. I find the lot
Falls through without you.
I'm coming back, love,
Cruel Heathcliff, my one dream,
My only master.

Too long I roamed in the night.
I'm coming back to his side, to put it right.
I'm coming home to wuthering, wuthering,
Wuthering Heights,

CHORUS x2

Ooh! Let me have it.
Let me grab your soul away.
Ooh! Let me have it.
Let me grab your soul away.
You know it's me--Cathy!

CHORUS x3

AHHHHHHH YAAAAA YAAAA OHHHH YAAAAAAA

Posted by Shark  2006-10-05   22:37:55

Good Quotes from this Show I'm Watching on the History Channel about Dams

By building dams on the Snake River, the bureau insured that Idaho's water-hungry farmers were abundantly supplied.

"They were obsessed. They were obsessed. They were going to build a dam they were... running out of dam sites!... here was a dam that was authoried... and funded."

During the 1970s, America suffered more tragic dam breaks than in any previous decade, culminating in an example that would tarnish the reputation  of the unrivaled masters of dam building.

He was forced to watch helplessly as his daughter floated by

Posted by PETE 2006-10-03 22:15:34

How Did I Miss This...

The drug name of Cialis is...

wait for it...

Tadalafil

After I noticed that one I got up off my couch and did a lap around my apartment smacking my head with the remote.

Posted by PETE 2006-10-03 21:47:31 

The Magna Carta Clearly Didn't Observe Yom Kippur Yesterday

Section 11 of the original Magna Carta :

11. If a man dies owing money to Jews, his wife may have her dower and pay nothing towards the debt from it. If he leaves children that are under age, their needs may also be provided for on a scale appropriate to the size of his holding of lands. The debt is to be paid out of the residue, reserving the service due to his feudal lords. Debts owed to persons other than Jews are to be dealt with similarly.

"So, just to be clear, debts are debts, but I really don't like Jews." - King John

Posted by The Quail  2006-10-03  16:09:59

Martin Luther King Wrote Kick-Ass Speeches

I happened to reread King's "I Have A Dream" speech this morning, and that thing must rank among the top 5 speeches in recorded history.  To say that he's good at metaphors is almost criminally understating the truth.  If you can read or watch that speech and not be moved, you're soulless.  Even if you don't dig the religious references, it's still so potent that it can't fail to touch you in some way. 

I've posted a transcript of the speech, as well as a link to a video of it on You Tube, after the jump.  Enjoy.

Read more

Posted by The Quail  2006-10-03  12:37:20

LA Buffalo Exchange Is Pretty Cool.

I went to the LA Buffalo Exchange for the second time since I've been here and for the second time, found some really good stuff. Aside from the customary ironic tees (one with a design consisting of two brushstroke fencers which could be on an Abode Illustrator box next to a shiny apple and and eyeball, one from some church that says Jesus: Name above all Names, and then has a bunch of other names underneath written smaller in kids' handwriting, and one from LA County COUNTRY FEST '88... that's good irony right there mayne) I actually, shock of shocks, found a cool pair of jeans that fit me.

The brand was "Literature," which I've never heard of but that doesn't mean much since there's about 16000 companies that make jeans these days... and 15999 of those make exorbitantly overpriced jeans which I do not buy. Glass houses, I went through an expensive jeans phase myself which ended mercifully in 2003 after I paid $175 for a pair of AGs which I think I wore maybe once before I looked at myself in the mirror, realized I wasn't a Persian Man or Nichole Ritchie, and sold them to Crossroads Trading Company for $13. Now, every pair of jeans in my regular rotation is Levi's and Levi's these definitely were not. One of the most annoying aspect of the explosion in the denim market is the little totally pointless touches that each company puts on their jeans to make them unique... and this pair of jeans had plenty of that type of shit. A GIANT leather tag on the back that had "Literature" written across it in silver thread, a little cursive L on the right front pocket on a red piece of rubber fashioned to look like a wax seal, and most useless, a piece of cloth sewn into the inside of the ass with skulls with knives in their mouths and other such "edgy" designs.

I was thinking to myself, okay, no one's ever going to see that (I'm aware that the point of such designs is for them to be admired when the pants are, ahem, taken off... but really who complements the designs on the inside of a pair of pants? "Nice skull motif!" "Okay you know what? Get out of my hous right now. Go."), I can cut off the wax seal thing and remove the huge leather patch on the ass and no one will be the wiser. They're comfortable, and they fit and they're cheap...

So I bought them. After I got home I grabbed my scissors and went to work de-douching them... but all this time I'd been thinking to myself: there is a shit ton of useless accoutrements on this pair of jeans... they must be not kind of expensive, but really fucking expensive.

A quick google search put the new purchase price of my new jeans at just barely over the $200 dollar mark. As you can see by clicking this link , most of the other stuff Literature makes is stupid LA t-shirts that probably have Reid drooling, although this hoodie is pretty cool if you have two bills and change to blow on a hoodie.

The whole point of this post though, was in googling I also found this horrifying description of the company:

Literature Clothing was designed by Eliot Hans who has studied societies and culture around him to better understand the world. Through photography and literature he has created beauty and he wants to share this with you! Each garment is a piece of art that brings about the idea: "Everyone has a story. What's yours?"

Mine is that I just threw up in my mouth reaading that...

Posted by PETE 2006-10-02  21:46:49