"... - and then one night, around midnight, on the corner
of Lexington and Fifty-second, when you have come really
to the point of losing faith in the existence of such a crea-
ture as you have been imagining for yourself even unto
your thirty-second year, there she is, wearing a tan pants
suit, and trying to hail a cab - lanky, with dark and abun-
dant hair, and smallish features that give her face a kind
of petulant expression, and an absolutely fantastic ass."
- Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint
Some Time This Century
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THE JO-TEL IS:
Shark
Hip E.
PETE
Johnny D
We get naked in bars way more thanyou and you know what that means ...
We read Proust.
FEATURES*:
Jo-Tunes
The Review Review
Slang Dictionary
InDQs
Gay Hour
Touch The Monolith!
Hey Crackhead
* features are shit-hot
CURRENTLY READING:
Hip E.
- Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759-67)
- Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint (1969)
Shark
- Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
- Kevin Star, A History of California:
1840 - 1875.
- Paul Celan, Breathturn
PETE
- Cormac McCarthy, Suttree
Johnny D.
- Jean Luc d'Emo, Reel
The Quail
- Dave Eggers, What Is the What
- James Joyce, Ulysses
- Don Gifford, Ulysses Annotated
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
Hip E.
- Neko Case, Blacklisted (2002)
- Hip E., Pando Mix Rev. 0 (2007)
- Rock Plaza Central, Are We Not Horses? (2006)
Shark
- Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Blank
Generation (1977)
- The Kinks, The Village Green Preservation
Society (1968)
- Silver Apples, Contact (1969)
PETE
- Smashmouth, Greatest Hits vol. II (2004)
Johnny D
- Television Personalities, And Don't the Kids
Just Love it (1980)
- The Blow, Paper Television (2006)
- The Magnetic Fields, 69 Love Songs Vol. 1,
2, & 3 (1999)
The Quail
- Carla Bruni
- Philip Glass, Glassworks (1982)
ARCHIVES:
September 04-1
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October 04
November 04
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December 04-2
January 05
February 05
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March 05-2
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April 05-2
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May 05-2
June 05
July 05-1
July 05-2
August 05
September 05
October 05
November 05 December 05
January 06
February 06
March 06
April 06
May 06
June 06
July 06
August 06
September 06
October 06
November 06
December 06-1
December 06-2
January 07
MEET THE JOUSE GUESTS*:
JohnPatsy
Linda
Jay
The Puma
Liz
Gabe
Merz
Tello
Jaskot
Tara
Cutler
Bock (kind of)
Pliska
Mini-Shark
The Goose (Carrie)
Bain
Fritz
Yahoo Serious
Laura-Lee
Fabulous L-Breeze
Saki
Kristin
Booby
Joe
Jonelle
Becca
Rebecca P.
Snake (slithering this way and that)
Matranga
Raphael (Little Mex)
Neva
Annie
Kathleen
Paul S.
Emily
Brew-Dogg
Reid
Reid's Girl
Downs
Some Chick who passed out
on Shark's couch
Ross
Cameron
Mary (slut)
Miklos
Romie
Simon
Kubow
Becky B.
Walloch
John the Hippie
Stickler
Anna
Andrea
Ben
Lucy (dog)
Wilson
Lauren
JohnPatsyLady A.
Lauren's B/f
Jenny B.
Paul James (infant)
Beck E.
Lisa Says
Ben
Nick Martin
Caitlin
Melissa
Sosia
Riley
Nicole
Reid's friend (chiefed heavily)
Virginia
* A Jouse-guest is someone who has
spent the night at the Jo-tel.
PAST PARTIES:
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Beware the St. Ides of March
SF WEATHER PIXIE*:
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Hey Crackhead
I'm on the trail of a chocolate soda for
my wife.
- Charlton Heston (1924 - )
The Jo-Tel... Live It | Show Menu |
Last Remnants of the Bot Erased
So the Bot is long gone, and here on these pages I have chronicled her exit, captivating you, the reader, with tales of extreme um... we'll be nice and use the word frugality, and unfathomable neuroses. Each day, new evidence surfaces as to the length to which the Bot went to make sure that not a single solitary item of hers, no matter how small or easily replaceable, was left behind. What she did leave behind, was a filthy bathroom, a lot of pissed off spiders (another story for another day), and holes, HOLES EVERYWHERE! in the drywall from which she had hung her myriad masks and earthen wares. Some still bore the bald screws which before had been adorned with so many objets d'art. When confronted about the many similar markings in her bedroom, she told me "Dude! Of course I'll paint and spackle. Do you really think I'd leave with my room in this condition? Come on!" Silly me to think that her promise would carry over to you know, the rest of the house. Did I mention her bathroom was also filthy?
So today Shark and I spent a goodly amount of time spackling and sanding away the last remnants of the Bot's time here. The walls are primed and ready for new, non-hideous accoutrements. The ghosts that roamed the halls have all fled in terror at the sight of our putty knives of righeousness (I also got all the wax out of the carpet where she knocked over her stupid candle).
And now, she is dead to us; as dead as the flowers, the pedals of which she left strewn about our laundry room for some reason; as dead as the angry little spiders which Saki handily dispatched with her vaccuum; as dead as the mildew left growing unabated in the bathtub, until we hit that shit with the full on power of Orange, the most potent of cleaning fruits/hues (unless we're talking toilets, where electric blue is still lord and master).
Let us celebrate with the pouring out of beer, and the watching of the Clerks 10th anniversary DVD. Ahh.
Posted by PETE 9/13/04 1:38am
New Motto?
"The Jo-Tel: It gets cleaned, but then we get drunk."
Does anyone understand this? I hope so. Because we're not dirty so much as we are alcoholics. Catch us on say, a Monday at 9am and the Jo-Tel is pristine. I swear. Also, I guess this is as good a time as any to mention that the whole no posts this weekend thing was due to our internet being down and us being too lazy to, you know, do anything about it.
Posted by PETE 9/12/04 11:30PM
Put This On a T-Shirt!
I thought of this on the way to work today and I think it's funny:
Don't Get Offended...
Get SEX Offended!
Yeah. Oh Yeah that's fucking hilarious. Now I'm going to go get myself a cookie and pat myself on the back with the cookie.
Paul Self is also funny because he though of this:
We put the Laughter in Manslaughter.
I salute you Paul Self.
Posted by PETE 9/10/04 2:05am
Under (Blood) Pressure
So it seems like the Hollywood Diet may have to be postponed well, perhaps indefinitely for me because I saw my doctor today and I still have high blood pressure (148/90). I guess next week I'm gonna have to wear one of those 24 hour blood pressure monitors that take your shit like every 20 minutes while you're awake... Probably not the best idea for me to be doing anything that will severely dehydrate me for two days and then drink. Well I mean not like it was a stellar idea before but now, real bad. Also, evidently B-Ford tried it and passed out in the middle of class on the second day.
...
Fuck it. It's on.
Posted by PETE 9/9/04 10:00pm
Hollywood Diet
Next Monday and Tuesday, I have convinced the following people to do the 48 Hour Miracle Hollywood Diet with me:
Shark
Vitamin P
Will
The Hollywood Diet is the one that promises you will lose 10 lbs. in two days (individual results may vary). Basically you mix the "juice" with water and sip it throughout the day. Yes, yes, it's bullshit. I know. We all understand that you won't be losing 10 pounds of fat, but rather mostly water and waste material. However, we aren't doing it to lose weight (our rock hard beach bodies don't need any help... believe me). We're doing it becasue we figure, after two days of not eating anything and drinking diuretic juice shit, that one beer is gonna FUCK us up. We plan on having about 6 beers each, so you do the math...
Next Monday and Tuesday. It's going down. Welcome to the O.C.
Posted by Pete 9/9/04 1:25am
J'ai Besoin d'Aller a Paris!
Paris: 1
San Francisco: 0
Posted by Pete 9/9/04 12:57am
Get Your Hand Off of My Woman, Motherfucker.
Or: I'm Still Your Monolith
Arrow Bar Report, 9/6/04:
Some drunk dude at the Arrow Bar was making a none-too-subtle move on P-Diddy on the couch. P-Diddy, who later expressed her dissatisfaction with the fact that my actions to contravene the sleazing (up until the event to be revealed below, dear reader) consisted solely of offering the thumbs-up sign with Thrill and laughing, was in the middle of leaning strenuously away from said paramour's attempted kiss when I decided to touch the monolith, which Thrill convinced me was Patsy's left breast. The dude's intoxication prevented him from even noticing my routine performed in the middle of the Arrow Bar dance floor, which, for those not privy, involves me acting like one of the monkeys from 2001: A Space Odyssey who is about to touch the mysterious black monolith and, so doing, usher in the "dawn of man". Apparently touching P-Diddy's monolith was too subtle, as the dude's affections were deflected not. Upping the ante significantly, I dove headfirst between the two and carried P-Diddy off like a caveman. The dude's reply: "Hey..."
Other Events of Note:
1. The Asian DJ played "The Rat" by The Walkmen prompting me, with hyperbole, to proclaim her the best DJ in the City and to thank her by almost destroying her turntables when I careened into her stand as part of my drunken dance routine.
2. Johnny D was able to procure from the bartender an entire case of unopened PBR, forcing the Arrow Bar scenesters to prostrate themselves before our indie cred -- oh, wait .... no, they still hate us. [NOTE: We acknowledge the passive nature of the first sentence of this note but deem it an appropriate usage. -Eds.
Posted by Shark 9/8/04 3:30pm
Pliska in Portland
Pliska, Hip E.'s high school friend and distinguished member of "The Network", has recommended this Bill Simmons article. I must agree. Reason #66 I was not expecting that.
Also, for those of your who listen to Jim Rome, Pliska is the semi-infamous "Pliska in Portland" who gets his takes read like everyday I guess. Yeah, we're all proud of him. Here's a secret though: he's a Philopornist. Also, Walloch prefers men.
Posted by PETE 9/6/04 4:15pm
Teenage Fanclub
Okay, since we wanted this to be a site with a lot of stuff about music, I might as well mention: Bandwagonesque. Get it... immediately. Of all the albums I picked up at home, this one sticks out the most as the "Holy Shit! How did I leave this record behind" champ.
Also, if you can only afford to download and not buy, just go ahead and pick up "Don't Look Back". The song is off Grand Prix, one of their other albums but it's probably my favorite song by them and it contains what was, for me, the greatest ever song lyric summation of teenaged hyperbolic longing:
Understand, if I must say I'd give both these wings away
I'd steal a car to drive you home...
You just can't fucking beat that.
Also, if you need some context, Teenage Fanclub was also the band that collaborated with De La Soul on the Judgment Night soundtrack, and produced what I consider one of the best hip hop songs of all time, Fallin'
You played yourself
Do do doo doo (do do doo doo)
Disclaimer: if you clicked on the link for Grand Prix, you'll notice that reviewer from AMG gave props to the same line. Well I'm just saying that I've never checked out the AMG review, and that he and I have come to the same conclusion separately, as I'm sure many others have. My friends know I've been singing the virtues (no pun intended) of this particular lyric for years.
Posted by PETE 9/6/04 4:12pm
Pete's English Major Dork Update 2
The other great thing I picked up while home was my Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and Preposterous Words. I highly recommend this book for any grammar (me), vocab (Hip E., Shark), or linguistics (Will) nerds out there. It's short enough so it can be read like a novel and that's just what I did when I got it for Christmas in Jr. High. I remember it was just after the new wave of obscene insults had swept through my grade and the definitions of words like "dildo" and "douche bag" were closely guarded by those in the know, so as to maintain their edge over those who were still hurling tired epithets like "cocksucker" and "faggot." I'm pretty sure "dildo" was actually the first word I looked for, and lo!
Dildo n. 1. an artificial penis. 2. an effeminate man (both slang). 3. a West Indian cactus with pink flowers.
After I looked up "effeminate" in a regular dictionary, I was armed and dangerous. Unfortunately, douche was not included. I think I asked my mom what that one meant... boy was that awkward. Here are some other highlights:
philopornist n. a lover of prostitutes
dowcet n. a deer testicle
hircine adj. goatlike, especially in smell; lewd
They're not all dirty or insulting words, but a lot of the best ones are.
PS Since I KNOW you're curious:
The Dildo Cactus (Cephalocereus millspaughii) is the most common cactus found in the Turks & Caicos. It is hard to imagine how a spiny and threatening cactus conjured up the image that lends this cactus its common name. It is probably due to the long tubular shapes of the branches of its tree-like form. Each branch is ribbed with from eight to thirteen distinct sections which bear sharp spines along their margins. The tips of the branches are often adorned with tufts of a white hairy substance resembling an old man's beard. This has led to the plant also being referred to as an Old Man Cactus locally. These terrestrial giants can be seen dotting the landscape throughout the Islands as they tower above the majority of native vegetation at heights of up to 20 feet."
-- Kathleen McNary Wood
TURKS & CAICOS CACTI
Times of the Islands 
Posted by PETE 9/6/04 12:46pm
New Music from the Distant Past
So I'm back from Chicago. Had a great time. met Dusty Baker... kind of (Tello passed out on the hood of his Land Cruiser parked on the street, and Dutsy told him to get off his car), dropped almost 300 dollars on booze in the VIP lounge of Chicago's "hottest" new club (shout out to Spider, the doorman, for the hooks), you know how I do... did some other stuff I think, which also involved alcohol.
However, one of the things I really wanted to do was go through all my old CDs. Basically I have a ton of CDs, but when I came out to Berkeley I had to consolidate all of them down into one huge book (from 3) for ease of travel, and a lot of good stuff got left behind, mostly from my early to mid high school days when I was listening almost exclusively to indie rock and old, old school rap. So... basically before my jazz/blues/jam band period and basically what the Jo-Tel is rocking now-a-days.
Now, I always though I was a cool mother fucker back then. While everyone else was rocking Dre and Dave Matthews, my friends and I were rocking Sunny Day and KRS One. But I gotta say, even I was shocked at how much good ass music I had, and just HOW cool I was (at least according to AMG). Check Check the short list
Slint-Spiderland (Those who know, know Slint. You either understand this or you don't)
EPMD-Business Never Personal
Fluf-Home Improvements
Eric B. and Rakim-Follow the Leader (Five Stars)
Eels-Beautiful Freak
Sunny Day Real Estate-Diary
Black Grape-It's Great When You're Straight, Yeah
Shabba Ranks-Rough & Ready, Vol. 1
Teenage Fanclub-Bandwagonesque
Boogie Down Productions-Edutainment (Only 3 stars, but BDP has two Five Star albums, both of which I guess I'll have to buy)
Public Enemy-Yo! Bum Rush The Show (Their first album. They have 3 Five Star albums, two of which I had on casette. Recognize)
Lush-Lovelife; Lush-Split
The Rentals-Return Of The Rentals
Damn. The Jo-Tel hit the jackpot. The Slint album alone will double our indie street cred. On a slightly related note, I found out that one of the best new bands out there right now, The Fiery Furnaces, are from Oak Park (my hometown) and live literally 4 blocks away from me, so that's cool.
Posted by PETE 9/6/04 12:07pm
Live on Stand-By
So somehow I've managed to locate an open wireless network in the airport. Macs kicks ass. Anyhow, my flight is slated to leave in about 40 minutes. Here is the deal: I was at the airport at 4:00am, before the gates even opened. I was added to the stand-by register at 4:21am, 1 minute after it opened. I assume therefore that I am the first person on the register. I was also the very first person through security into the terminal. So...
Will I make my flight? Or will I be screwed over once again? Let the countdown begin...
I'm really trying not to look at the gate to see how many other people are standing around waiting for stand-by. They just called a second round of names. No PETE.
For those of you who have never experienced this feeling, it is one of the worst imaginable. It's like waiting for the Roulette wheel to stop spinning when you have placed you life savings on black. Sound over-dramatic? Then you've never been here... I'm serious.
They're boarding. They keep calling "_____, party of two." That is like a stab in the gut with a blunt knife. Ugh. 20 minutes left. Getting worried. All this wi--
PARTY OF FUCKING FIVE!! Oh I'm fucked. I am fucked. Fuck you, you beautiful family of undetermined ethnicity. Five? Would it kill you to leave grandma behind next time? Shit...
Okay I made it. Now. onto the next stage of unpleasentness. You see, after wishing so hard to get on a flight, your minds start to wander... though it wanders more or less around and through the singular idea that if the plane crashes, you will feel like a giant moron for, in effect, "wishing" to die a horrible death - and you will spend your last minutes of life thinking about nothing else other than that fucking family of five, and why they couldn't have brought grandpa too. So plane, don't crash.
Update: It didn't. Good thing too because the head stewardess had the most amazingly odd voice I've ever heard. It was actually the first time I've ever listened to the safety instructions because for like the first minute I was trying to figure out if the voice was coming from a robot (not a question of timbre or tone, so it wasn't the loudspeaker). Once I realized it was a live person I was enraptured! Who is this Siren whose manner of speaking is so fucked that she can get an entire 747 of people to listen to her tell them how to buckle a seatbelt? I'm really trying to think of a way to describe her voice. It was like some sort of fucked up English translating computer program where all the pauses and accents were in the wrong places and also, said computer program was somehow out of breath. Only once have I ever covertly tape recorded a voice (Tatanka, the Native American head shop owner in Amsterdam who left his own store, door wide open, in the middle of the day to get drunk accross the street and who kept telling me that I wasn't "ready for the peyote") but had I had my recorder, this woman would have been the second to receive such an honor. So I'm glad the plane didn't crash not so much because I'm alive and in Chicago, but because other plane loads of people will now have the privilege of hearing this enchanting purser inform them, in the least dulcet of tones, that in the event of a water landing, their seat cushion doubles as a flotation device.
Posted by PETE 9/3/04 6:15am
Ruminations on The Bay Porter...
So it's 2:40am and the Bay Porter is supposed to come pick me up in like... well at 3:30. I probably should've tried to get like a few hours of sleep but I opted instead to wait up for Shark and Patsy and catch up on my GOP Convention coverage and kill mosquitos. Just as I suspected... Shark is loaded (Otto: Whoa! That Shark's wasted!) and Republicans are assholes. Also, the mosquitos are winning. The infestation didn't hit my room until like last week so I have yet to become the one-man mosquito wrecking crew that Hip E. is, who's been dealing with them for like a solid month. They don't seem to bother Shark at all. Anyhow, one got me on the fucking adam's apple on Monday and now I'm pissed.
Anyways, if all goes according to plan, I'll be blogging from Chicago this weekend. Going home for Labor Day, but I always fly standby which reminds me... I have to check my flights again right now.
Aaaaand just as I suspected, I've been F'd in the A by United once again. Look United, the last two times I've tried to go home, I've been fucked. When Hip E. and I tried to head out to NYC for the Phish show (connecting through Chicago), we got fucked. The flights look nice and wide open until the last POSSIBLE minute when you dump a bunch of assholes trying to connect to the East Coast onto them, making it highly unlikely that I, a person on employee pass travel, will get a seat. Do you think it's fun dropping 10-15 bones getting to SFO, waiting around for 2-6 hours and then having to trun around and go home? Well it's not. It's not fun being awake at 3:00am being eaten alive by bugs waiting to get to the airport only to be told, after a seemingly interminable period of your surly gate employees calling off names other than mine from the stand-by list, that I once again won't be reaching my destination.
Look, I'm not so much angry right now as I am tired. I had a terrible week at work. I got my bike stolen. I spent like 1500 dollars on cost-of-living related expeditures (no fun in other words). All I want right now is to get home and eat some of my mom's food, drink many, many beers (Old Style: The Official Beer of Wrigley Field) with my HS boys and possibly a game of Viking Lord (sounds homo-erotic, isn't), and see Chicago in the summer, which I haven't done in 2 years. This is my impassioned plea to you, United Airlines. You are my only hope.
Posted by PETE 9/3/04 throughout the early morning hours
Playboy Mansion Video Game
Well, looks like Le Jo-Tel will finally be getting some use out of the Playstation 2 that Crazy Roommate v1.0 left here before she skipped out on the rent to check herself into a mental hospital (true). I guess the market for digitized boobs isn't even close to saturated, and once the computer dorks of the world realized that even that Sims dating game (the one with the amusannoying commercials) wasn't working out for them, and the chicks in Dead Or Alive Beach Volleyball never removed their tops, well they needed something to fill the void. I guess the whole object is that you play Hef and you have to build the Playboy empire from the ground up like he did...
Yawn.
Look, I'm sure this Playboy Frachise Mode is great and all but really though, I wish they had made me a developer on this one. I have so many great ideas running through my head. I see from the screen shot below that the whole getting chicks to make out thing has been taken care of but how about like a Seth Green mode, where they arm you with an 8-Ball and a bottle of Dom and you have to try and get laid (this could be like the final mission or something. It would not be easy). Flip that, and play as Leo DiCaprio where you walk in and are immediately beset upon by a cadre of extremely horny starfuckers, and you have to make it to Hef's office without toching any of them or getting smacked in the grill by their projectile crotchless underwear. The penalty for failure is death... or Gisele dumping you. Either way, you don't wanna fail. Or how about you play a Mansion worker who is responsible for cleaning the Grotto after the latest Limp Bizkit record release party (shudder). If you fail to get the semen level in the water down below 20ppm, the game's soundtrack automatically puts their cover of George Michael's "Faith" on repeat until you successfully complete the mission. I could keep going but these are getting less funny.
Still, I'm a big enough man to admit that these computer chicks are hot. Just look at those digital boobs! 44DDram (Oh my God! Did I just type that? I'm such a dork).
PS A mosquito just flew up my nose and I killed it by pressing on my nostril.
Posted by PETE 9/3/04 12:23am
For the Record:
The "singlay" makes you tinglay
The "doublay" es troublay
The "triplay" hurts the nipplay
The "quad" hurts the bod
The "quint" makes you squint
The "halflay" hurts the calflay
The "quarterlay" makes you orderlay (from the J.Crew catalogue)
Posted by PETE 9/2/04 11:30pm
An American in Germany.
So many interesting tales today. Almost makes me feel better about just losing a bicycle. Oh um... this story is ALSO completely false (just in case)(names have been changed):
Good morning all,
This could possibly be the best non-fiction story of the year. It will most definitely be the best email you will receive, for, not only the next year, but probably ever. I will warn you all now: this might be the dumbest thing I've ever done! Possibly worse than the "bum story." Leave it to [Meetpoo] to entertain you: In fact, I'm charging you all $1 to read this email. By the time I get home, I should arrive to find almost enough money to make up for my mistakes. I have no idea how much that is yet, unfortunately, my credit card hasn't cleared yet so I cannot tell you the final expenses of my adventures of Wednesday night in Hamburg, but I will let you know at this point, it is much more than I can afford... So, as some of you will find out in the following weeks as the international mail brings you a post-card from Germany, you will realize that as my work week progressed, I found my Wednesday and Thursday free to explore this wild Nazi country. I woke up around noon on Wednesday and proceeded to do some shopping. Very good afternoon for the most part, a 6-pack down by around 4 pm, I had no idea that the night would be so terrifying. So after I drank about 6, 0.5 liter beers, I found myself bored, and decided to venture to the Red Light district, hahaha. Wonderful idea. I was almost embarrassed to get off the train at "Reeperbahn," but I was not the only one to get off. This area, that I had heard so much about from my vendor friend, Juergen, was a popular spot. I proceeded up to the main street, and found myself lost in a whirlwind of porn and strip clubs. But I said, "not yet." First, I must visit the casino that caught my eye! Great idea! Let's go to a foreign country where I can't speak the language and throw some money away! After slamming my leg into the turnstile that you have to pay 1 Euro to enter the casino through, I found my way beyond the video poker and slot machines to the elevator to the third floor, where they play the real games, black jack and roulette. Now leave it to the Nazis (as Germans will now be referred to for life), to not begin black jack until 6:00 pm. I had a wonderful 30 min. downing of beers with a beautiful young woman bartender, whom I only needed to tip about $0.50 each drink to keep her happy. And then the black jack table opened. Everyone, who had ventured up the elevator, was rushing over to the table. (Ohhhhhhhhh, I just ordered some room service with LOTS of bacon, I can't wait! Dammit, I just realized that I had my camera with me and I didn't take any pictures. I may venture back there tonight, If I can find my way, and find the same girls. We shall see). Okay, where was I... So, it came to the point where I had a soft 16 or so and the dealer had a 5 showing. Not a terrible hit, but surely unadvisable. But what the fuck do I care? So I hit, of course I fuck the whole table over, and become hated by the bald headed Nazi who looks like the bald guy in "Lock, Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels," (the one who spits when he talks). He's pointing and going on about me to the fucking Jihad next to him, but finally he leaves the table. No one else seemed to care but him. Just 'cause I lost him fuckin' $200? Fuck him. I was ready to brawl. Ready to say, "Fuck you, you fucking old, bald, Nazi FUCK!" Man, if he had just said a couple of more things, fucking pointing at me!
Shit!
Anyway, in Germany, you are allowed to bet on black jack even if you are not playing. You may stand behind the player and put money on his hand. When he doubles, you don't necessarily have to, but you are given the same options as the player. You just have to accept what he does though. Sometimes, if you have more money out there than the player does, you may be able to influence him. Anyway, the old fuck came back, time and time again, watching me win hands, and then when I'd lose one, he'd say some shit that I imagine was something like, "of course, the stupid American hits." But I was doing so good for a while, I was winning him money in the end. Although the first time he tried to bet on my hand, I took his money off and gave it back to him. I handed it to him, and I go, "Do I look like a stupid American?" He looked at me stunned, but I still handed his money back to him. Now imagine me saying that. In hindsight, I probably did look like a fucking retarded American, but still, I told this fucking asshole that he couldn't play his money on my hand!
Ah YES, my breakfast was just delivered by a beautiful honey who likes my music... Linkin' Pahk? Yes baby, just put my bacon over there and get your sexy ass on the bed! Oh wait. I didn't say that. Oh, by the way, I am delaying this story on purpose because I am still trying to actually remember what happened later on, and I don't know how much I will be able to tell you in the end, but I assure you, it will be worth reading on... bacon break. If I were the {Jewish Friend of Ours], I'd have her ass back here... "I said over-easy bitch! Not over-well done! Now get on the bed!"
Continuing, I eventually made a German friend at the black jack table. We ordered each other drinks. I made him drink a double gin/tonic, things were great! I was down my first 100 Euro, and had to cash in more, but I consistently stayed around down 40-50 Euro, which wasn't bad. So after I lost 200 Euro, I left the fucking casino, looking for the subway. Somehow I wandered into a strip club and began talking with a beautiful dark skinned woman at the bar. This is where things get fuzzy, yet expensive. I guess I ordered champagne? Anyway, 2 more girls came over and began drinking the champagne as well. I realized I was being screwed over at the time, but I was in my generous mood and it was too late anyways. I have memories of asking the bartender, "Are all these girls mine?" and her saying yes.
BOY, was I happy. Champagne for everyone!
(So I just looked in my wallet at my receipts! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Okay. I might have a heart attack. I have one for 243 Euro (probably my gin-tonic), one for 426 Euro, and one for MOTHERFUCKING 729 Euro!) Seriously. I am scared. I am seriously going to go back there and ask if this was for reals! They are all signed by me. Oh fuck. I might have spent $1500 last night + the $200 in gambling. Oh no. Oh my God. Oh my God. Well, I guess that I can't do anything about it now, but FUCKIN' Goddammit! So, I had all these girls around me hanging out, talking in English to me, so of course I kept buying drinks, but I didn't know they were fucking $700 drinks! SHIT. I can't stop laughing right now. I don't understand what I've done yet. Maybe I will learn my lesson when I am not able to eat for the next month. Seriously, I need $1 from each person reading this email. The laugh you guys will get is worth it right? I thought that the girls were mine. But it ended up that they were only mine when we were drinking. But they were all naked and shit, so I thought otherwise. I knew things were getting expensive, but I thought, well, fuck, if I get to bang these beautiful girls, and I had to pay a lot of money for them, they must be worth it! I honestly thought for a while that they were coming back to the hotel with me? Why would I think that? SHIT! I'm so fucking dumb! Believe me I was drunk, and they all knew it, and fucking took advantage of a helpless little [Meetpoo]. One of them eventually, goes, "let me call you a cab." And so I took a taxi home, by myself, and came home and passed out in my clothes. And I woke up this morning, thinking it would be afternoon, so that I can just fucking go home. I've had enough of Nazi country and being fucked over. I am seriously scared for my next few months now. I don't think I'm allowed to expense $1500 drinking tabs! SHIT, SHIT, SHIT! Fuck you, [Self] you stupid motherfucker.
I want $1 from each of you. You can put it on my bed. SHIT!
-------
I can't say that I approve of the bad grammar, but I'll be sending a dollar. Did I mention that my bike was stolen this week?
Posted 9/2/04 11:10pm
Real Life Driver's Ed Video...
To indemnify ourselves against prosecution, the story is entire fictional and a friend definitely didn't send this to us.
I left early for work so I could be here on time today. Right when I got out of [City of Origin] there was a huge backup on the [Interstate in Question]. So, I thought I would try driving in the carpool lane to save time. I never do this by the way, so the one time I do something like this, this has to happen. Anyway, I couldn't have been in the carpool lane more than 5 minutes when I suddenly see a cop in the lane to my right. So I'm like "Fuck, of course." I've gotten two tickets in the past two months (my only tickets) and now this. So I did the smartest thing I could think of at the time: I decided to slam on the brakes and try to merge back in to the regular lane. Well, the problem with this was that behind me, riding my ass, was a construction truck with a rack full of 2x4's. Next thing I know, there's 2x4s flying by the [Car Nickname Redacted] and onto the freeway. The truck stopped to avoid me and in doing so lost all of its wooden cargo. Meanwhile, I'm driving over lumber and pushing my way back into the lane, right behind the po-po. So at this point I thought I was fucked, and now I have caused a pile up and, not to mention, I drove illegally in the carpool lane. To my surprise however, the cops in the car seem to be having a good ol' time drinking coffee and laughing to themselves and they miss the whole thing! I then cut over three more lanes of traffic and pulled off the road for about 20 minutes where I layed low and hoped everything would just go away. And until I get a phone all from someone who took down my license plate #, things seem to have done just that.
Posted by PETE 9/2/04 10:46pm
Threats? FAN-TASTIC!!
Our first comment and it's from an anonymous Ashlee Simpson defender... This can't be good.
Update: Geez Thrill, calm down. No need to get reactionary. The Jo-Tel welcomes everyone, even those who subscribe to BOP and Tiger Beat. Look, just because someone likes Ashlee S, and/or is totally crushing on JTT doesn't mean we can't include them. Hell, they're the ones who need the Jo-Tel most. So be cool, Thrill. Be. Cool.
Posted 9/2/04 4:31pm
The "Bot" is Out
Yes. The movers came today. Sharziggity is out of Le Jo-tel and into a loft on Third Street where she will have much more room to build semi-functional furniture and cover it with glitter and feathers. Though, unfortunately for her, I imagine her new industrial style work space will have a dearth of carpets on which to spill hot candle wax. A shame really... However, I can't lie and say she's not being cool about everything, i.e. painting and spackling over the too-numerous-to-count holes in the walls where she hung her various wares. I also can't lie and say that she isn't the cheapest person alive. The usurping of the ice trays was even more portentious that any of us could have imagined...
We returned home today to find that she had, amongst other things, unscrewed the shelf above the toilet (valued at $5), upon which we had previously placed our Uncle John's Biggest Ever Bathroom Reader, our Parallel Bible, and an old copy of SPIN Magazine. She had also packed the toilet brush...
Please stop and think about that one for a second. 1) How expensive is a toilet brush? 2) In what box do you place a toilet brush? In the bathroom box with your hair products and soap? In the cleaning supplies box with your sponges and 409? Basically what I'm saying is that you couldn't just pack it in with anyhting you were ever planning on touching with your hands ever again. The only other option is to perhaps take the time to wrap it in something so that the surrounding detritus isn't contaminated with poo. Would you bother? Or would you just walk down to Walgreens and buy a new, clean toilet brush? Look, I'm sure there are plenty of people who would do the former just... none who we would get on extremely well with. I think this paragraph was much more convoluted that it needed to be. Hmm. Moving on.
She also unscrewed and packed our paper towel rack (valued at $3), and the small hook screws that she had scattered about the house to hang things on. What do those cost? 25 cents each? Can't you just go to Home Depot and steal them? (The Home Depot rule is that if it's small enough to fit in your pocket, then it's free).
Are you amazed yet? Will you react with shock and relief when I tell you that she DIDN'T pack all of our lightbulbs, or ciphon off her share of the laundry detergent in a separate container, or cut our microwave into thirds?
Well, here's one more for you. On Monday, as I was commiserating with her about my bike being stolen, I asked her if I could look through her DVDs. Upon examining her collection, I discovered that she had two copies of The Royal Tenenbaums. She very generously offered to give me her extra copy as a parting gift. Only... it turns out that the reason she had two copies in the first place is that she had borrowed Shark's. Thus her last benevolent act was to return Shark's own DVD copy of RT to me with a note that read "Pete, Enjoy!" What a class act.
Posted 9/2/04 12:23am
Stolen!
So my bike got stole' again. I mean, the same bike didn't get stolen twice, I had a bike stolen before. Now my new bike that I just got has been stolen as well. Was it in the T-Loin you say? The Mission? HP? The Dub Addition? None of these. It was stolen in Pacific Heights from in front of the Hotel Majestic where I was having a drink for Bob's birthday. It was my fault really, because I locked it up through the fork and the front tire and not through the frame, so all the thief had to do was un-quick-release the front tire and lift the frame up through the lock. Also, he had to be a stupid butt face. I posted an ad [expired now, it was no "Hey Crackhead"] on craigslist that pretty much says it all. Fuck...
Posted by PETE 9/1/04 10:51pm
Sweet, Sweet America
Jouseguest Will dropping knowledge via email:
"being an american honestly makes me depressed sometimes. if it's not abu ghraib, it's ashlee simpson."
Amen, Will. Amen. Although... say what you want about Englund and Granger, but at least they didn't tie the Iraqis down and make them listen to Autobiography. After that, standing on a box with electrodes attached to one's genitals could easily be construed as sweet, sweet relief. On the other hand, perhaps that's what they played for those dogs to get them so pissed off...
Please God, kill her.
Posted 9/1/04 6:17pm
Pete's English Major Dork Update
I have learned the following interesting things this week:
1)The phrase "cut and dried" is indeed "cut and dried" and not "cut and dry". Also, it is hypenated when describing a noun (e.g. a cut-and-dried plan).
2)You don't establish a good report with someone, you establish a good rapport. I knew the usage, I just didn't know the spelling until today.
3)Main Entry: 1quire
Pronunciation: 'kwIr
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English quair four sheets of paper folded once, collection of sheets, from Middle French quaer, from (assumed) Vulgar Latin quaternum set of four, from Latin quaterni four each, set of four -- more at QUATERNION
: a collection of 24 or sometimes 25 sheets of paper of the same size and quality : one twentieth of a ream
3b)"Reem" is not a word. There is a ream of paper. And you also ream someone. I though one of them was "reem" you know, like beet and beat.
4)Main Entry: ar·got
Pronunciation: 'är-g&t, -(")gO
Function: noun
Etymology: French
: an often more or less secret vocabulary and idiom peculiar to a particular group
Posted 9/1/04 1:26am
Ice Trays
Shazie is out today and, though I've never had a big problem with her, I gotta say I do have a problem with the fact that she packed our fucking ice trays. OUR ICE TRAYS! Who does that shit? Look, even if they are hers, as she claims, like her new place won'thave ice trays? The ice trays stay with the fridge. period. Furthermore, theyre like the first thing she packed. So she still had to live with us for amonth but she packed the ice trays first? WTF? What that says to me is that she isn't a huge fan of iced beverages in the first place... all the more reason to leave them with us. I, for one, am a big fan of ice.
I'm over it though. I got these swell new ice tray from Gucci. Oh Gucci, is there anything you HAVEN'T though of?
(Insert joke about bling bling /getting iced out here)
Posted by PETE 9/1/04 1:55pm
An Open Letter from Shark
Saki, our new almost roommate, is named Saki. Predictably, she gets a lot of terrible Sake jokes about her name. I can't even being to fathom how many times she has had to explain to people that sake the drink is spelled differently that her name... or maybe she doesn't care and just rolls her eyes. Still, I empathize with all girls with original or ethnic names, because this seems to happen a lot in the presence of idiot dudes. My friend April, for example, is sick of the month jokes.
So Shark, taking a break from being an asshole for a few minutes, drafted this missive for our idiot dude friends:
A promise: I will kick the shins of the first person to utter the words "Saki it to me, baby!" in her presence.
I'm sure she'll appreciate it... because it will happen.
Posted by PETE 9/1/04 1:22am
New Tenant.
The Jo-Tel has a new tenant. Most likely that is. If we have learned anything it's don't call someone "roommate" until they place a check in your hand. Anyhow, her name is Saki Bailey and she looks to inject the Jo-Tel with a healthy dose of sassiness and non-psychoness. I doubt that she'll have a padlock on the outside of her door.
Posted by PETE 9/1/04 1:18 am
Who in the fuck is going to read this blog?
There are blogs for music, politics, celebrity gossip, what the fuck is this? Well it's the blog version of the age old ocurrance of a bunch of dudes sitting around stoned and being like: "Hey we should make a movie out of this! We could be famous!" Yeah well... those dudes are lames. We are different.
...Although, I gotta give credit to my home friends for coming up with the concept of the mosquito police (while high). Don't ask.
Posted 9/1/04 1:02 am
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