jo-tel - The Jo-Tel... now with revisions

Command: Listen to "I Will Sing You Songs" by My Morning Jacket.

Opinion: If it does not change the way you think about your existence on this planet, please feel free to be ashamed of yourself and of your worth as a member of civilization.

Posted by Shark 9/30/04 10:00pm sharp

My Brief but Important, Bitter BofA Rant

Why must trips to the BofA ATM be such unpleasant and, dare I say, acrimonious experiences? I'm looking at you, inept BofA employee in charge of ATM interface. Must there be, oh retarded ATM designer, so many goddamn high-pitched beeps? I mean, the damn thing beeps for no discernable reason when you insert your card. And, as if the crack-hungry fiends of the T-Loin don't already have enough incentive to waylay me as I exit the ATM by my school, after my transaction the god-forsaken machine beeps repeatedly until you remove your card, virtually telegraphing (for a city block) the arrival of fresh, defenseless money. And, responsible parties at BofA whom I will sue if I am ever harmed as a result of your sub-moronic design, as if this were not enough, each push of a button warrants its own high-pitched beep. I mean, I saw an episode of McGyver once where McGyver was able to figure out some dude's number just by hearing a recording of the numbers being pushed. Oh well, who needs a private PIN number anyway, right Head Chimp of BofA ATM engineering? But instead of paying someone with a viable brain stem to design your ATM, BofA, of course you instead choose to allocate my hard-earned overdraw penalties toward pumping the display screen full of pretty, utterly superfluous animations of ballerinas and crap like that. Thank you, criminally negligent programmer, now I will at least get to see graceful ballerinas prance about while I'm knifed and robbed. I don't even like Degas!

Posted by Shark 9/30/04 at some point

Tim Harrington

Just remember the next time you're feeling full of yourself... this dude is cooler than you.

We at the Jo-Tel salute you, Tim Harrington of Les Savy Fav, for not having bangs... nor a 26 inch waist.

Posted by PETE 9/29/04 11:24pm

Working at the Opera

I just won three consecutive games of Windows Solitaire, Vegas Rules. Who wants to fucking touch me?

Posted by PETE 9/28/04 10:43pm

The Mating Ritual of the SF Critical Mass Participant...

First a back story: One time while still attending Berkeley, I was relaxing out in front of Dwinelle with P-Money, reading the hilarious comics in the Daily Cal, when he nudged me in the arm "Check that dude out." I looked up expecting to see one of the regular run-of-the-mill crazy fucks who frequented that particular gathering spot, and I did... kind of: Unicycle Guy Number 1. Unicycle Guy Number 1, as far as I know, was like an actual student who just rode a unicycle everywhere, as opposed to Unicycle Guy Number 2 who would confine himself to the Northeast corner of University and San Pablo and do what I guess amounts to tricks on a unicycle while listening to his headphones, most likely on strong acid. Unicycle Guy Number 1 showed no outward signs of being clinically insane (as opposed again to Unicycle Guy Number 2) but he was a Berkeley fixture none-the-less. On this afternoon however, UG1 had added a trump card. He was riding his unicycle around in circles while solving a Rubik's Cube. I watched literally amazed. Once he had solved the Rubik's Cube, he did what I guess I'd call a victory lap, not holding the completed puzzle above his head or anything that lame, but just you know, riding around a few times until he was relatively sure that all the people watching knew who was the fucking long dong boss of the ghetto. I turn to P-Money and was like "Dude, P-Money. We need to get out of here. Look... say some fine ass skee-o comes walking by and I decide to step to her, but then she sees that guy. For God's sake, he's riding a unicycle and simultaneously solving and resolving a Rubik's Cube... and I can do neither. How can I compete with that? I feel like Skee-Lo in here! That dude has the best nerd mating call I have ever seen. The only way it could be better is if he were to start yelling out like, the first 100 digits of Pi. I've just been thoroughly out-gamed." P-Money agreed with me and we moved over to the Bear's Lair and started drinking giant beers.

Well this Friday, walking home from the gym, I saw something that immasculated me almost as much. Critical Mass, which is hard to describe beyond basically a bunch of people on bicycles screaming and disobeying traffic laws, came rumbling down Polk Street as I was on my way home. Now, having been dangerously close to converting to a full fledged Mission Bike Kid before my Sweet Novara was stolen, I had always been interested in seeing Critical Mass, and what type of people participated. My first thought was of course "Hey! These Critical Mass chicks are pretty fine. Perhaps I should move 'new bike' up my list of 'things to buy' past 'digital camera' and 'more ties'" Then...I saw him. This fuck was riding his BMX bike downhill at high speed, standing straight up on his seat, drinking a 40... not even looking at the fucking road. And by "drinking" I don't mean sipping furtively, cautiously in case his front tire hit a rut, causing him to do a face plant right into a nasty pavement/glass bottle combo. I mean fucking first-drink-after-a-long-week-at-the-used record store, bottle fully inverted, power chugging this fucking 40. Did I mention he was also pumping his non-40-holding fist in the air which would probably throw off the balance of a lesser Bike Kid? I watched this dude roll past, and as he sped off into the darkness, he was still chugging, still hadn't looked down. I just shook my head in disbelief and shame, and as I turned back to continue the mile long trek through the T-Loin, I mentally added yet another group of girls that I have no chance of ever dating or impressing to the growing list.

That list now stands at: nerd chicks, bike chicks, anyone ethnic looking, and lesbians.

Posted by PETE 9/28/04 10:41pm

Wicked! Awful! Evil Zoot!

This from http://www.chinadaily.com/ , which I read regularly to keep up on all things William Hung (swoon). Sir Elton evidently got a bit testy with some Chinese boys, who got him all sweaty...

ETTV cable news showed footage of John, dressed in a royal blue track suit and matching sunglasses, berating the photographers and TV crews as he cleared immigration.

The fuming star was also shown clenching his teeth and muttering expletives as he stood with his arms crossed tightly across his chest.

"Rude, vile pigs," shouted John, who was to perform in Taipei. "Do you know what that means? Rude, vile pigs. That's what all of you are."

John answered, "We'd love to get out of Taiwan if it's full of people like you. Pig! Pig!"

The star, who recently performed in Shanghai and Hong Kong, said, "We had a great tour of the Far East and then we come to Taiwan."

John's statement said, "Despite this frightening arrival, his spirits remain high and he is looking forward to performing the concert."

You tell 'em Sir Elton! That'll teach those Chinese to like artists who can actually sing! Elton's original plan was to start calling them "dirty slant eyes" before Bernie Taupin stepped in with a rewrite. Does it smell like Grammy in here? What a team!

Posted by PETE 9/28/04 9:18pm

Letter From a Devoted, Imaginary Reader of the Jo-Tel Blog

The only devoted reader of this site, a figment of my imagination, wrote accordingly:

Hey guys at the Jo-tel! Your site is great. I pretty much enjoy everything on it. I love how you guys can go from highly pertinent political barbs like PETE's "1001..." to hearty laugh riots (the Orange tirade is just one of my many favorites) to pointed cultural observations (Lohan's boobs ...hehehe)(oh and by the the way I agree with you, PETE, those babies are definitely real!!). Anyway, keep up the great work!

p.s. The Jo-Tunes site is sooo helpful. You guys know tons about crazy indie bands that I've never even heard of! But where are the Review Reviews. I can't wait.

Posted by Shark 9/27/04 8:07pm

The Hand From Sudan

Now those fucks from the Cancer Ward will think twice about talking all that shit.
The NERF Basketball team in the ICU just got a new center.

Manute got an above-the-fold mention in the SF Chronicle today because he got in a car accident in Connecticut and evidently, despite a 10 year NBA career, he can't pay his mounting medical bills... but rest assured he can still pack the shit out of a weak lay-up. And don't think that "I have 2 weeks to live" shit will work here. Manute Bol is a man without emotion.

Posted by PETE 9/23/04 6:43pm

Why They Hate Our Freedoms:

Posted by Hip E. 9/23/04 6:12pm

Fan Mail is Hilarious

A certain friend of mine just happens to be dating the drummer of a certain band which is quite famous. I'm talking TRL famous. I can't get specific, but I can say that they like to wear black and sing about cold, dead things. One morning while at his crib, she happened upon a bin of fan mail, so she asked him if she could read some. Upon perusing the epistolary ramblings, she then asked if she could take some to give to her friend PETE, because she knew he'd be highly amused by the contents thereof.

Boy was she fucking right.

So I asked her very nicely if I could post the letters with all identifying features of the band and it's fans redacted, and she cursorily agreed. Now, I was going to write some lengthy treatise about how people who write fan mail are idiots, but I don't really feel that is necessary in this case. However, my certain friend does assure me that these are a fairly representative sample of what the band members receive in the mail on a daily basis. Oof.

So... Lets get started.

Disclaimer: all typos are theirs, all italics are mine

-[Drummer], [Bassist], [Singer], and [Guitarist]

Well, Im sure y'all get lots of letter from fans, so I dont want to make this one too long. Let me just say that I have been in love with you guys for a long time. (It all started when I was 12) so... some time late last year? and you're doing an awesome job... Keep it up!

- [Guitarist], my friend **** loves your [defining characteristic]! I know you hear that alot, but what can I say, they are hot! Really they are, hehe =) PS Best Guitarist in the World. Oh! Just slap the bald guy from Garbage in the face, why don't you!

-[Bassist], Dude! My brother, **** plays bass and he says you have the fucking best bass tabs in the world! The best guitarist in the world AND the best bass tabs in the world? Tell me more! (he really wants to meet you... me as well!)

-[Singer], Ok! I know everyone loves you. And I am one of them! I can't explain what it is. I think it's your voice. It really is one of a kind! Amongst the 49% of the population that was born with a penis, yes it is quite unique Or...! Maybe it's your hair! I wish I had hair like that! Or maybe it's just you period. (Well I don't really know you... which sucks.) And I dont know why, but Im getting this weird feeling just knowing that Im writing you when I probably wont get a reply. =( Anyway, I have so much to tell you. But I'm trying not to make it so long, so I'll stop right here before I make a fool out of myself. Well, Keep it up, stay sexy, and ROCK AND ROLL! the entire letter is actually in caps, but I really felt this one

PS [sentence redacted] oh! and... nice lyrics! Very Talented.

-[Drummer], I aswell dream of being a drummer, seems hard though. Two Words: Def Leopard I look to you for inspiration. Thanks! =)>

Well, I better go. Really hope to get at least something from you guys, maybe not a letter, but hopefully an autograph... from your hands... no one else! Thanks!

I [heart] you guys! [Heart] **** hehe

I mean... this isn't so bad really as long as this chick isn't over the age of say... 15. It really is a very nice letter, but I'm a huge asshole so I'm going to make fun of it anyways. However, for this next letter, steel yourself for a rollercoaster ride of emotions, foremost among them being disgust in the California public school system... that and total, abject horror. I warned you...

[Drummer], [Guitarist], [Bassist] and of chorse [Singer]!

hey guys what's up this is my third draft the first one was 2 and 1/2 pages long front and back the second one was hella sloppy So now Im I know... these chicks just hate apostrophes on #3. Anyways... I just though I would drop a couple of lines down on some paper to tell you guys that you are totally awsome and that I love you guys I know you probably hear that alot these girls have "alot" in common but oh well -k-

those who enjoy utilising periods and proper capitalization in their writing might just want to stop now

You guys are super talented and I just love your music. I dont want to give you a bighead or anything but [Singer] you have such a beautiful voice and I could listen to it forever. I fall asleep Listening to you guys I take a shower Listening to you guys I do basically everything Listening to you guys cause I Just Drift away into the music actually one time this is kinda funny I was taking a bath and had your new CD "[Title Redacted]" on Shuffle Repeat I got in the Bath about 9:00pm and Didnt get out tell 10:45pm Like I said before I Drift away in your music. (LOL) I'm not laughing I guess I shouldnt Drive when I listen to you cause I would never get where I got to go. But I do he he he !!! Well I guess I will Tell you a little about My Self umm, well my name is **** I'm 18 (I actually just turned 18 on ****) Oh God and I was born and Raised in California, mostly Southern (I'v moved alot) I have a 6 month old Son named **** **** Oh my FUCKING God (His Dads not in the picture because he is nothing but a cheater) and my hobbys are Doing hair, Makeup & Listening to you guys rock out.

Well I guess thats all for now I know I will probably not get a response But hey it was worth a try Hope to here from you guys if not I guess thats it tell I write again

Have fun, Be Safe, and Don't Change

Rock On,
****

What you're feeling now is commonly referred to as pathos. Also, you are a terrible person... I suggest you go watch something incredibly funny on television.

Posted by PETE 9/21/04 1:31am

Johnny D Gets the Boot

Upon completing the North Beach bar crawl, and enduring round upon round of discount Stella Artois, we descended on The Arrow for another installment of "Scenesters Hate Us." Evidently the guest DJ for the evening was one half of the Danish Dance Duo, Junior Senior*, whom I had never heard of but who none-the-less rocked the house to a high degree. He opened up a set with American Prayer, a Hip E. favorite and one rarely, if ever, heard in a dance floor setting and later on, he also catered to my personal weakness: Yaz (Just as the mark of a good Chinese food restaurant is their pot stickers, so the mark of a good DJ is his spinning of tracks off Upstairs at Eric's every chance he/she gets) . We were enjoying ourselves dancing so much that none of us noticed for a while that Johnny D had gone missing. We all just assumed that he was off doing Johnny D things, drunk off his ass singing the praises of Mercury Rev to some crackhead outside, or humping a wall in the corner. Little did we know that Johnny D had been KICKED OUT. Why? Because he had passed out on the couch, his person littered with cans of PBR in various states of fullness. Upon being awoken by the bouncer and given the proverbial boot, Johnny D then spent a good 20 minutes (by his count) trying to convince the help to let him back inside... to no avail. He then left messages on all our phones referring to the bouncer as "a huge asshole." Quoth Johnny Detox and The Wasted: "Dude! After I woke up I was ready to go! It was like a power nap and I was totally cool. Fuck that guy!"

Ironically (improper usage), while breakfasting at The Bell Tower the next morning, waitress Megan recounted a similar tale of a girl who had passed out while on the toilet, rendering it necessary for the staff to break down the bathroom door, and then in turn had become indignant upon being asked to leave... what an idiot.

In a personal aside, as of Saturday night I have now danced with, and been turned down by both halves if an insanely attractive lesbian couple. This needs to stop...

*Junior Senior: yet another egregious example of Indie Rockers' love of oxymoronic phrases. See also: Our Endless Numbered Days, Tropical Iceland, Business Casual, Beautiful Freak, etc.

Posted by PETE 9/20/04 10:00pm

Katon, So Dangerous to Dishware Right Now... Katon

Last night, Katon proved himself a bad yuppie. It's cool to go out to the Marina to get a bit saucy and hit on vapid women. That's the American dream. But it not cool to get your dome so permeated with booze that you return home and destroy your own hard earned material possessions. Katon, in his primate-like state of inebriation, virtually expelled his 2.0 BAC urine on the grave of Adam Smith by thrashing the following hard-earned personal possesions:

Posted by Shark 9/20/04 7:14pm

2 for 3, Hip E

Once upon a time Hip E wrote a review of Jason Forrest's The Unrelenting Songs of the Post 1979 Disco Crash. In said review he wrote the words: Les Savy Favs. The End.

Posted by Shark 9/18/04 5:27pm

Lindsay Lohan's Boobs: The Jo-Tel Weighs In

Certainly one of the issues du jour with the everyone-with-internet-access set is the true origin of Jell-O commercial star, Lindsay Lohan's ample chest. That her breasts are amazing is agreed upon by all, but from whence did they come? Was it nature or nurture? Or was it a boob job? Short of asking Fes or Aaron Carter, the average "Lo-fan" is left with only a neverending series of photos and baselesss assertions to go on. I, for one, have been playing for the "nature" team from the start. And I've found, as in the past with similar controversies surrounding the likes of Tyra Banks and Brittney Spears (both nature) that my opposition consists almost entirely of women whose argument basically amounts to "as a man, you don't have breasts. As a woman, I do and therefore am far more qualified to comment on such things" and continuing thusly "They are bigger/nicer/more pert than mine, so they are fake." Obviously, in some cases this is an unfair characterization, as is the case with my two best girlfriends. Still though, it is vexing. In most cases though, this argument is usually easily dispatched, even in the face of an opponent's obstinate refusal to adhere to the tenets of logic and reason, by the following series of questions:

Look, obviously having breasts does make one privy to a whole area of breast knowledge that I can never explore such as the back pain associated therewith, or how to stop them from moving while running, or how much it hurts to be punched in one, etc. but aside from that, I'm pretty confident that I know more than enough about breasts for my comments to be seriously considered in any debate about boob-realitude.

That being said I present you with this series of photos of Lindsay Lohan's boob popping out of her shirt:

Not that these pictures in particular really add anything new to the debate, but to the trained eye (mine), they are just further proof for me personally that her breasts are real and bordering on perfect. In the third and fourth frames, we are able to see her breasts hang freely, without the support of a bra or - unbeknownst to her - her shirt. Notice the absence of any artificial cleavage effect in the center or the tell-tale lump on the top part of of the boob that is visible in say, every single picture of Pamela Anderson. When added to all the available evidence, my opinion stands: real. Of course, all of this will be immediately resolved once I meet her and grab her boob and promptly get arrested for assault... but at least I'll know.

Any attemps to change my mind can be forwarded to thejotel@gmail.com. I have yet to lose this argument with anyone however, and have converted at least 4 people. Also, spare me the obviously photoshopped "scar tissue" pics. Anyone who knows anything about the surgery knows that going in through the inside part of the breast is unheard of and ridiculous. especially considering that basically short of chopping off the whole breast, filling it with silicone, and scotch taping it back on, that no method would be MORE obvious.
--

Dear Shark. RE: my postings-cum-aspiring-teenage-comic-journal entries.

Yes, yes I know. Here I am writing yet another post with ne'er a mention of Les Savy Fav. It's heartbreaking. However, allow me to explain to all why I continue to draft missives of this type: in le jo-tel's infancy, I was adrift in a soundless sea of confusion and yea I was shown the light and the path to blogging success by the Evil Prom Queen. One of her earliest lessons to acquiring a readership numbering above "only Thrill" was to post on popular subjects so as to increase the likelihood of getting pinged by Google and to try and get other, more popular blogs to link to your through tireless self-promotion. So therefore I have chosen this, the most popular of internet subjects, on which to post. Also, Lindsay Lohan is extremely hot and here at the Jo-Tel, we like hot shit.

Posted by PETE 9/18/04 3:09pm

My Scenester Joke That I Found on the Internet, by Hip E

Posted by Hip E. 9/18/04 12:14pm

Our Man in Qatar

Interesting. According to our site log's country by country breakdown, we have 2 hits from Qatar (pronounced "cutter"). The most shocking thing is whoever randomly stumbled accross this site from Qatar liked it enough to come back more than once. I don't really have anything else to say about this... except the internet is amazing.

Posted by PETE 9/18/04 12:14pm

Oh SHIT son!

I notice that our friends over at 1055 Filbert street have a Web site as well.

http://www.1055filbert.com/

Let the Break Dance Battle for Supremacy commence.

Posted by PETE 9/18/04 11:36am

This Week...

I was seriously too drunk to post. I was either drinking, drunk, hung over, or at work. Ironically, it's 9 something on a Friday and I have yet to have a drink. Got me to thinking though that I should probably share with the world my Patented Four Point Plan to Hang Over Relief. I patent a lot of stuff. Anyhow.

1. Ibuprofen (800mg, 600mg if you're a girl or missing one or more limbs) - any store bought ibuprofen comes in 200mg pills but 600mg and 800mg respectively are perscription dosages that they give you in the hospital, so just take 3 or 4. It's basically one step below vicodin. Ideally, what you want to do is take this right after you wake up from drunk sleep (passing out) if you feel like shit and hope that you have at least one hour (preferably two) before you have to actually get up and do anything so you can go back to sleep. Even if your head hurts extremely bad, the ibuprofen will in effect knock you out again, usually within like 20 minutes. After you actually wake up, move slowly (it helps if you sing "Slow Motion" by Juvenile to remind yourself).

2. Vitamin B (1000% rda) - take this with the ibuprofen. Okay, so this is the only thing I actually remember from high school health class but this small jewel of knowledge has served me extremely well over the years: most people know that when you consume alcohol, it is processed in your liver, where it is broken down and turned into excessive amount of urine. What most people don't know is the integral role that vitamin B plays in this process. Basically, when you're on the piss, your vitamin B stores are diverted to your liver where the vitamin B is converted into the enzyme alcohol dehydrogenase which in turn works the alcohol over and converts it into acetate and other harmless stuff. Problem: because breaking down alcohol is a labor intensive process, vitamin B basically takes a short vacation from it's regular duties, one of which is flushing lactic acid out of your muscles (this has to do with the hangover headache as well somehow) so you wake up no longer poisoned, but you feel like shit. However, if you flood your system with vitamin B, there will be enough in your body to perform all necessary functions. I have just dropped science on you.

3. Coffee (2 cups) This one is obvious. Basically caffeine in any form will do, but coffee is the best tasting one for my dollar. Make it black and strong, just the way Brew-Dog likes it.

4. Fritos (99 cent Big Grab) - Look... don't ask questions. Just eat the fucking Fritos. I know the grease is supposed to help settle your stomach and salt is always nice, but that's not the point. The point is that Fritos just taste so fucking good when you're hung over. I can't explain it. Just trust me.

Repeat this every day for 30 years.

Posted by PETE 9/18/04 9:43pm

Orange... Suchagreatcleaningcolor.

I would like to write separately to state my increasingly unhealthy obsession with the color orange and its unparalleled cleaning prowess. Far be it from me, however, to attempt to dissect the possible explanations for this undeniable might. Perhaps it is orange's indelible connection with the coexistence of blissful taste and acidic rebirth that defines the fruit of the same name. Or maybe our collective memories of the ravages of the chemical warfare staple Agent Orange (both on our enemies and ourselves) have brought us-cyclically-to appreciate, all the more fully, orange's newly-realized regenerative cleaning properties. Whatever the reason, the Jo-tel blog is not one of those places where people are allowed to argue with results and, along those lines, the men's bathroom at our apartment has been spotless for the last three or four days (it also has a refreshing citrus scent). Accordingly, I pooh-pooh all those who dare to taut the power of green or - god forbid - purple over orange. Please, I urge you, aforementioned sowers of fallacious assertions, to not bring your high school bullshit. Orange simply cleans better than any other color. Period. Here is a list of orange's upcoming tour dates [FN1]:

9-15 Atlanta, CA - The Earl
9-16 Carroboro, NC - Cat's Cradle
11-08 Seattle, WA - Neumo's
11-09 Vancouver, BC - Richard's on Richards
11-10 Portland, OR - Meow Meow*
11-12 San Francisco, CA - Slim's
11-13 Los Angeles, CA - Knitting Factory**
11-14 San Diego, CA - Casbah**

* appearing with green
**appearing with green and purple

FN1: Tour dates are actually those of Les Savy Fav.

Posted by Shark 9/17/04 8:33pm

Comments:

GILES!!!�

HA!!!

"SLACK-JAWED LOCALS!!!"

you win dude.� I am slain.

The one thing I like about this blog is that fact that my friend pete has not changed a bit since HS. Still horribly confused about women, still getting shot down everywhere, and still an intellectual bitch. This e-mail has no point, just wanted to say thanks for killing the past 2 hours for me at work. -Lindsay Lohan's boobs are most definitely real, and they're fantastic. -Passive voice is for morons and slackjawed locals. -Oh, and call me a pop-tart but Ashlee Simpson is good, and way better than Jessica. Just watch, she'll be bigger than her sister. A friend of a friend of mine wrote 2 of her songs. Oddly enough she wrote them for Avril Levine but she passed on them. yada yada yada, the songwriter now has a 5 million dollar place in NYC.

That Zoot has been setting fire to our beacon, which I have *just* remembered is grail-shaped.

Crap.� Kyle somehow figured out our Achilles heal, spelling --ERRRRR-- heel, our low self-esteem and desperate need to feel cool.� Now it's only a matter of time until we shut this thing down.

I forget where I was going with that one.� Shark's little brother James is allegedly up here in the City for the USC Stanfurd game this weekend.� We have always called him Mini-Shark, because we are hella funny and creative (see the rest of this website).� But down at USC, MiniShark is called Darge, as in D'Arg___o, Shark's last name.� MiniShark's friends at college have always called Shark "Senor Darge" (I don't know how to do those mexi enya sound symbol things on the n).� The only way to clear this up is as follows.� Shark's little brother is MiniSenorDarge.� MiniSenorDarge's older brother is SenorMiniShark.� My little brother is Bain.� Nick Esmonde is Pablo Avocado.� He's a cool customer, he's got guac in his veins.� Someone who figures in this whole equation is called "The White Tiger", but in case he somehow reads this page sometime, he shall not be identified further.� Oh man, I'm tired.� I'm a huge chump now, I can't stay up past midnight.� Jay says "Shark what is the deeeal are we leeeaving or what!?"� The outfit I'm going to wear tonight was picked out over 20 painstaking minutes by Vitamen P.� I'm wearing maybe my top pickup ever from my nemesis, the Buffalo.� The "KILL ALL HIPPIES" t-shirt.� Annnnnnnnnd I need another beer.� I hate to do this to you, but www.trevormax.com.

Um... "Hand" does not rhyme with "Sudan." Losers.

Sweet Evil Queen - Go put on you most cleavage enhancing bra and jump up and down in the mirror or, alternately, throw both of your arms up in the air at the same time... where do your breasts go? Until I see before and after pictures, I shall deem this comment: weak sauce

Sweet Johnny D - Fair enough. I'm pretty sure it's impossible to get kicked out of KALX

Pete, you seem to have the impression that I am obsessed with Mercury Rev.� Well, let me tell you that this is not so, and will be fleshed out in my upcoming review: The 15 Redeeming Things About Boces.� This review is a dollar for dollar rationalization that I did not completely waste my money on that album.

Current Obsessions or rather things that make me happy:

1. KALX Radio.: Sometimes it sucks, sometimes it rocks, but it�beats listening to Howard Stern in the morning.

2. My Bloody Valentine, Loveless.

Blog on with your bad self.

Dear Pete -

I have seen many a boob.� I have felt many a boob.� I have even felt a few fake ones (drunk girls in NY are very free with their person).� I belive the website www.awfulplasticsurgery.com, and more specifically, the following archived post: http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/archives/005046.html�answer this question accurately and succinctly.

Please note that wanting it to be so and it really being so are two very different things.

love,
the evil queen

The Jo-Tel blog is much better now that it's Shark and PETE instead of just PETE.� I think once they finally give me a password and show me how to post it will�get really good.� I'm at work right now.� Saturday morning at 10:39 a.m.��What else is going on in my life right now?� Well I'm taking the P.E. exam on October 29th.� That's Principles and Practice of Engineering, and once you pass it you are then a Professional Engineer.� You get a stamp with your name on it and you can stamp things.� One problem:� the test is hard.� It's basically the last two years of college plus some other stuff that I never even took a class in, let alone knew at some point.� So that's fun.� I'll try to keep you updated on my studying progress.� Right now I'm on page 15-17 out of 72-3.� In layman's terms that's 0.25 inches out of a 2.1 inch-thick book.� Also I skipped half of Section I: Mathematics.� So I'm pretty fucked.� My only chance is to glance over everything cursorily and then attain Nirvana during the actual test and let the Buddhist deities bail my ass out again.� No, basically I'm really good at multiple choice tests, so that's what I've got going for me.� At this point the chances of me passing are approximately 20%.�

What else?� I might move to Richland, WA for a couple few months to do the same thing I do here for a couple hundred extra blood-red bones per week.� If I were to execute that plan, I would just stay up there until I went insane or for three months, whichever came first.� But I've by no means decided to do that yet.�

I just got my cast off my right wrist but I've still got the mouse on the left side of the keyboard at work.� OK, when you write that, you know it's time to get back to work.�

-Hip E.

Dear Pete -
The passive voice can be used without guilt�in the case of the past tense.� I.e., "he WAS able to procure a case of PBR."� You could, of course, say "he procured a case of PBR," but then you lose the implication of the act of procuring.� Then again, you could have said that "he convinced the bartender to donate a case of PBR." Or that "he traded on his wit and charm to procure a case of PBR."� The choices are inumerable.
P.S. - The passive voice is a guilty pleasure of mine.

The Jo-Tel... now with revisions

Command (w/Hyperbolic Option)