jo-tel - THE JO-TEL ... welcomes What's His Name, our new roommate

Hey all! I'm organizing a happy hour. It's been a long, hard week here at the Intelligent Design Museum of History and it time to relax a little. I propose The Elephant Bar. We can sit at the bar. Order some appetizers if we want - Johnny D can salt our margarittas. It'll be great! I think I personally deserve this happy hour very much. I mean, I sat in that damn display all week wearing that saddle. I didn't take it off once. I didn't even wear a saddle back when I was alive --- Hey, just kidding! We know that I was intelligently designed to be ridden around by prehistoric humans and intelligently made extinct by an intelligently aimed gaseous comet that killed all of my friends (except for lizards ... fucking lizards). So let's do this happy hour. Oh, and invite Ted. If I get drunk enough, I'll eat him!

Posted by Triceratops with a Saddle 2005-09-30 13:48:17

Sufjan Stevens Pens Awesome Album that I Never Want To Listen To

There are several really great songs on Illinois (or: Come On Feel the Illinois if you you're feeling typy). Let me list the great songs [FN1]: Concerning the UFO Sighting, Come On! Feel the Illinoise, John Wayne Gacy, Jr., Decatur, Cashmir Polanski Day, The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts [FN2]. Now, you would think that an album with so many great songs would be better than just good. The problem with Illinois is that it bogs down in instrumental filler. Stevens is so concerned with the album's flow that nearly every song is made one minute longer than necessary so that he can add a manufactured instrumental transition. The album is also too long. Now, I know that he's going for the 50 states thing. And maybe Illinois is an important state or something (I'll wait for the Delaware single when Sufjan's 60), but the fact remains: listening all the way through takes endurance. The length, and Steven's desire to make the album epic, causes Illinois to recycled itself. "The Tallest Man, the Broadest Shoulders" is an instrumental graveyard that the Neutral Milk Hotel and Decemberists bands should bring their future chamber disgards to. "The Workers of Rock River Valley..." is a perfect example of Steven's proclivity to force a historical experience into a violin-led interlude. Not cool. And the God stuff is annoying. Obviously.

FN1: Song titles on the list of great songs are abreviated because most of the song titles are too long for me to transcribe without making 1.3 typos per song. Seriously though. When the song ends before the title has completely scrolled past the screen on your iPod Mini, you know there's something wrong.

FN2: Before I go on, I'd like to mention (in footnote form) how good these songs really are. I mean, the guy writes a heartwarming song about John Wayne Gacy. It's amazing. Really. "Concerning the UFO Sighting" makes me wish I wanted to wish to could have wanted to wish to lay in a field when aliens shined their light down upon my small skull ....

Posted by Shark 2005-09-29 22:36:54

On Why Indie Kids Don't Mosh or Even Move Around that Much at Concerts

Minor Threat really screwed things up for indie concert goers. By stridently forbiding moshing at their concerts, the straight-edge punkers caused a ripple effect that makes it so that you - and I - look weird when we move around too much to the music at indie rock concerts. Fans of mainstream bands have no problem moving around at concerts. Have you ever been to a Matchbox 20 concert? Neither have I, but I'm sure there's at least a moderate amount of movement. Not so at indie shows. For instance. Comets on Fire are an experimental psych rock band. Their sound is heavy and I could easy mosh to it. However, as it were, I stuck a freakish stance at the CoF concert when I moved laterally four feet during the high point of "The Bee and the Cracking Egg".

But was it really Minor Threat that started this? I am the only person in the world that likes Michelangelo Antonioni's Blow Up. Well, the only person except almost every film critic that's seen it (...PATSY!!!!). Anyway, in that movie there's this scene where the bohemian protagonist walks in on a Yardbirds conerct (c. 1964) in Britain. As you know, Jimmy Page got his start in the Yardbirds. But at the time of the movie, they were still an underground band that was experiment but not quite ... allright, they were an indie band: does that make it easier?! So anyway, the entire room is just bobbing their stoned gourds to the heavy rock. Heavy. Where was I going? Oh ya. So maybe Minor Threat isn't to blame. Maybe indie kids just feel as if they have to absorb music cerebrally - like watching a movie from the back of the theater (see Some Hitchcock Comment). Or so the Germans would have us believe.

Posted by Shark 2005-09-29 22:10:58

Fucks

I found this great thing on wikipedia. It's a list of all movies ever made organized by the use of the word "fuck". It's fucking awesome.

As you can imagine, most of the fuckiest movies are x-TREMEly good. I guess they fucked their way to the top, so to speak ... if you will.

Posted by Hip E. 2005-09-29 01:14:16

Dear Puma

I'm writing to talk about the calamitous last leg of your farewell tour. You'll remember: the scatterbrained, Sunday afternoon mission to Berkeley to invade Bowles Hall and engage in other deviant frolics. It was a nice little trip. The only problem being, of course, that I was too drunk and you were too hungover. As a result, I was loud and belligerent while you were too sick to drink - the latter making you the target of my drunken wrath. I'm just writing that say I was out of line in harassing you. Especially about the religion stuff. When I objectively take a step back and examine both of our dispositions, I realize that, while none of our metaphysical viewpoints can currently be proved or disproved objectively, I act condescendingly toward your viewpoints and try to force my opinions upon you. You, on the other hand, have never tried to force your opinions upon me, but have only deployed your justifications in response to my bitter onslaughts. I am convinced that your's is the proper disposition for one to have and will try to be more like you in that regard in the future.

But, other than that, my drunkenness did lead to some memorable moments. Like the impromptu wrestling match I started in the middle of Raleigh's. Or when I almost drank that filthy fountain water for $15 or, alternatively, for you to start drinking. My response to, "How does that taste, Shark" reminded me of your "It's too terrible" response to Hip E's question of, "What's in that Pepsi cup, Katon" (the cup of course contained a combination of psychedelic mushrooms, milk, vomit and whatever other detritus you picked up when you scooped your own drug-peppered puke off of the absurdly dirty floor of the third deck balcony of our fraternity with an index card in a successful attempt to salvage your spewn drugs). Even the Bowles invasion, replete with musical recommendations for the unlucky resident (Jorge) who opened to door to our silly circus show, was memorable. Anyway, sorry again about the vitriol. But in case it happens again (either to me or by me), I suppose it helps to remember that drunkenness tends to amplify both the good and bad of any situation.

Love, Shark 2005-09-27 10:17:51

SHARK BLOG RULLLLLLLLLEEEEeeeeessssss.....

So this is the first time I've visited my own Web site in 10 days I guess, and I eventually plan on stopping by at Professor Truth, Rehab Star, The Evil Queen, RB, Hot Karl, Johnny D (for my daily dose of pederasty), The PUMA (if he's pumed at all since July or whatever when Giambi was momentarily playing like he shouldn't be the 9-spot on Kansas City), Kyle, Cupcake Club, Load (HA! Just kidding Load), and all other Jo-Tel friends and alumni some time in the next month or so. But right now, it's 9:48pm on a Saturday night, I'm reading the Shark Blog and loving every minute of it. Way to pick up the slack in a big way Shark. Anyhow, I fixed editme so now the fonts aren't all messed up and I restored that which had been lost when, while attempting a physically exhausting week-long impersonation of Hip E., I didn't pay our bill (more accurately, I left my ATM card that I use for automatic bill-pay in a machine and then, instead of taking the 2 minutes it would have taken to call BofA and get a new card sent to me, I played Goblin Commander on PS2 and made some marinara sauce). During my hiatus I have though of some funny ideas but none can compete with the Top 10 craziest Bitches Of All-Time so instead of boring you firther I will join the PUMA on his SF farewell tour after I call Jenni and apologize to her for being an asshole with a dead cell-phone.

Also, please do not rent the movie Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior. Tony Jaa is a bad-ass, that much is true, but the rest of the movie is so bad it makes you wish it was your face he was brutally disfiguring with spinning elbows and ridiculous flip kicks.

PS Shark, sorry I erased your pictures. It had to be done. They can be restored.

Posted by PETE 2005-09-24 22:04:44

The Shark Blog

Heretofor I declare this blog The Shark Blog. It shall not return to the Jo-tel until Hip E or PETE post something. That is all. Don't do drugs. That includes religion.

Posted by Shark 2005-09-24 18:58:18 (WHY CAN'T PUT THIS SHIT IN HEADING 5??!! EDITME!!!!!!!)

Castrate Scalpers

There are two reasons why I didn't go to The Arcade Fire at the Warfield with the rest of my friends. But before I talk about those reasons, first let me talk about the French Revolution. The French Revolution is definitely the "best" instance of internecine turmoil ever (sorry Civil War and Sepoy Mutiny). From the colorful array of ministers of state who each tried their unique but equally futile hands at repairing France's dire financial and structure woes (think Colbert, Maupeau, Turgot, Necker, Briene, Collone) to the hackneyed yet still stormin' storming of the Bastille to the rise of Robespierre and the Jacobins and the accompanying creation of the metric system and other logical triumphs (including a super-divisible ten month year) through the appropriately lackluster Directory period (in the mix CD it's the perfect set up song) to, of course, the coming of Napoleon (failed Egypt campaign, whiff of grapeshot, etc.) - more neat stuff happened during these 10 years of revolution than pretty much any other ten years in history. So you can imagine how well the French Revolution stacks up to other revolutions. Well, the Cultural Revolution in China was pretty intense too I suppose. Italian unification in the 1850s, Cavour, Mazzini, Garibaldi's black shirts running around everywhere - okay that one's also pretty special. Bolshevik revolution, let's not forget the bolshevik revoluition! Allright, well I guess the only European country with a history bereft of any cool internal revolutions is Britain. Seriously, all Britain has is the Industrial Revolution and Gladstone and Disraeili. Everything happened either bloodlessly or gradually in Britain. Okay, I see you over there. Raising your hand trying to insist that Oliver Cromwell and the overthrow of James I was noteworthy, but come on, Cromwell's regime couldn't have been more boring. A Puritan dictorship? Hit the snooze bar! So, ya, I guess the message is don't study British history. No matter how more usefull you think it be to your legal career. Just don't.

So the first reason that I didn't go to The Arcade Fire is the shitty, goddamn scalpers. As you all know, bands decide to sell tickets for a certain amount. Bands prefer to keep prices low so that regular, working-class fans can afford to come to the shows. Regular fans are usually more enthusiastic. And enthusiasm is a good thing to have at a live rock concert. Enter scalpers. They buy tickets to these shows with no intention of actually going to the shows. Nor do they even have any inkling of what the band sounds like. They simply hear from their cronies that some band is really popular with the kids these days. So these scalpers prevent these kids from expanding their musical horizens by reselling the tickets for three times their retail price. As a result, only vapid yuppies can afford the scalped tickets - yuppies who will either not show up because dinner at Aqua went a bit long or will arrive halfway through the main band's set - sober - and leave early after imbibing an over-priced Stella Artois in order to catch the last hour of festivities at Blue Light before winding down with a Budweiser at Bar None (a shudder runs down my spine when I write those words). In addition, the yuppie's money goes directly to the scalper, who will probably spent it lowering his Chevy truck one inch lower. This is why I hate scalpers and one of the reasons that I didn't go to the San Francisco Arcade Fire show.

Posted by Shark 2005-09-22 21:17:27

Top Ten Craziest Bitches Of All Time

Always in competition with Virginia Wolfe for craziest turn of century literary bitch, Plath was a neurotic suicide machine. She tried four times to be exact, succeeding on the fourth. I mean, have you ever read The Bell Jar? Neither have I. But it sounds really depressing.

The craziest thing about Eva Braun was how normal she was. A photographer who fell in love with Hitler while hired to take propaganda photos of him, Braun spent most of her relationship with Hitler secluded in the Fuhrer's Alpine retreat where she could indulge in her entirely sane hobbies of skiing, hiking, and dancing. She didn’t marry Hilter until April of 1945. One day later she killed herself with a cyanide pill. She stayed faithful to Hilter to the end, however, despite the fact that he was responsible for the death of millions of Jews and had a problem with flatulence.

It hits you when Lady MacBeth is trying frantically to wash imaginary blood from her hands. Not only is she a bitch for convincing MacBeth to kill Duncan, King of Scotland, but she's also crazy. And that's the worst kind of bitch. Also, while I love the way the line sounds, why does Lady MacBeth claim "I have given suck" indicating that she had nursed children? I thought MacBeth was childless...

This is one crazy story about one crazy bitch. Patty Hearst seemed like your standard millionaire heiress. Until, that is, she was kidnapped from her Berkeley house by the Symbionese Liberation Army. The SLA used Patty to get ransom money from the Hearsts (which was paid in the form of a six million dollar donation to the homeless of Berkeley - let's all try to imagine the amount of weed and crack smoked at People’s Park that night!) before enlisting her aid in robbing banks. Later communications from her were issued under the pseudonym "Tania" and revealed that she was committed to the goals of the SLA. She was eventually captured and hired hotshot Harvard attorney F. Lee Bailey to defend her. Baily employed the lamest defense strategy this side of the twinkie defense by arguing that Hearst was a victim of the so-called Stockholm Syndrome, which makes a prisoner sympathetic to her captors. The defense failed and Hearst was convicted of bank robbery. Hearst claimed that she had been physically and sexually abused by her captures. President Carter believed her and ordered her released from prison. Before leaving office, Clinton granted her a full pardon. She now lives in Connecticut and, since being released, has starred in the following movies: Cry-Baby, Serial Mom, Pecker, Cecil B. DeMented, and A Dirty Shame.

Joan of Ark was a certifiably crazy bitch. Around 1424, at the age of 12, Joan said she began receiving visions of St. Michael, St. Catherine, and St. Margaret telling her to drive the English out of France and bring the the French king to Reims for his coronation. Her military success teaches us that even a insane teenager can lead an army to victory if the circumstances are right. Sorry Napoleon.

What a bitch. While her husband Agamemnon (Lord of Men) was away fighting the Trojan War, Clytemnestra decided to get busy with Aegisthos. Upon Agamemnon's heroic return, Clytemnestra weighed the options: "I could kill Agamemnon, orrrr ... I could ... ummm .... let's see ... oh screw it I'll just kill him."

I hate Ayn Rand and her ideas. That why she's a crazy bitch. Fuck you, Ayn Rand. I hope you die for real.

Reid told me about this crazy art bitch. Born to two high-ranking Soviet officials, Abramovic reacted against her constrained upbringing by liberating her body via performance art displays. Only for her "liberating" usually involved some strange method of self-mutilation. Her masochistic tendencies played out in several ridiculous and disturbing displays. In "Rhythm 0", she invited her audience to do whatever they wanted to her using any of the 72 items she provided: pen, scissors, chains, axe, loaded pistol, and others. According to one account, "By the third hour, her clothes had been cut from her body with razor blades and her skin slashed; a loaded gun held to her head finally caused a fight between her tormentors, bringing the proceeding to an unnerving halt." "Cleaning the Mirror #1" involved her scrubbing a grime-covered human skeleton on her lap. For her "Rhythm 5", Abramovic laid down inside the blazing frame of a wooden star. With her oxygen supply depleted by the fire, she lost consciousness and had to be rescued by concerned onlookers. She also had a guy pull back a bow string with the arrow pointed at her heart so that if she had been unable to hold on to the bow, she would most likely have been killed. She held onto the bow for twenty minutes. She also cut her belly with razor blades on a few occassions. Come on, that's not art! Now, eating poop - that's art!

Medea was one crazy bitch. Using her power of sorcery, she helped Jason complete three of the four tasks demanded by her father, King Aeetes, before he would relinquish the mythical Golden Fleece. Medea fell in love with Jason and left with him after he acquired the fleece. This did not prevent her from killing him and their children when Jason cheated on her with Creusa, who she also killed.

This bitch was kra-kra! After Henry VIII finally produced a male heir (Edward VI), the dude died after only nine days as king. Mary's ascension to the throne was contested only by Jean Gray, another of Henry's legitimate daughters. Mary, however, with the support of privilege classes, won out and promptly had Jean Gray killed (Cyclops was pissed and vowed revenge, but Professor Xavier counseled against it as a bloody retaliation could undo all the university's hard fought progress towards achieving mutant equality) . Once in power, Mary's agenda veered violently toward restoring the Catholic Church that Henry VIII had so cavalier thrown aside in order to engage in his wife hopping (and head lopping) activities free of religious censure. After reinstating the crime of heresy, Mary proceeded to order the death of over 300 alleged heretics (p.s. they were burned at the stake). She soon became known aptly as "Blood Mary". She was also so eager to conceive a male heir that she gave herself the first recorded "hysterical pregnancy". It has been suggested that she might have had an ovarian cyst that not only prevented her from conceiving a child, but could have contributed to her early death in 1558. Historians: is there anything they can't do? Oh yeah, useful things.

Posted by Shark 2005-09-18 16:40:24

Silly Typo Incident Retold Using Hip E Storytelling Techniques

PREFACE: We all like Hip E. One of the reasons is that he's extremely easy to make fun of. Also, because he never admits he's wrong, rehashing old burns never gets old (see e.g. flamboyantly gay buckle shoes). Along these lines, friends of Hip E like to mock his storytelling excesses. Hip E only knows one kind of story: a longwinded one. He seems physically incapable of cutting to the chase, even when beset on all sides by the slings and arrows of outrageous mockery from his friends - who often react immediately to what they realize will be a deflated punchline or main story preceded by a least two layers of superfluous and mind numbing back story. As such, the following personal tale is dedicated to Hip E and his storytelling acumen.

STORY: I'm extremely good at hiding things from myself. My favorite thing to hide is probably a book. Very often while holding a book I'll get distracted and deposit it in some odd place. A few minutes later the search will begin. The search will end usually within a few hours, but can sometimes last weeks (my personal record is actually not with a book, but with my wallet, which I hid from myself for one year in the breast pocket of my sports coat). I usually leave my book somewhere like the vegetable storage drawer of the refrigerator or on top of microwave. Currently, I have successfully hid my newly purchased copy of Stendhal's The Charterhouse of Parma from myself for a day and a half. Not bad. As a result, I've resorted to printing out capsule summaries of Greek mythology, in which I possess a keen interest, from various websites. The most helpful website that I've found however has been Wikipedia. The site contains more than just a compendious catalogue of Greek mythological references though. It covers topics ranging from the Crimean War and 20th century philosophy to Simpson’s episodes and Neutral Milk Hotel. While reviewing the Theban tales of Greek mythology, I stumbled upon this presumably typographical - yet oddly amusing - error:

Oedipus then saved Thebes by answering the riddle of the Sphinx and was rewarded with the now-vacant throne of Thebes and the widowed queen's hand in marriage, with whom he raped.

Posted by Shark 2005-09-18 16:40:24

Haiku

Have you ever heard the sound of 60 people typing?
It's the same sound you make
when you pee on a concrete wall.

Posted by Hip E. 2005-09-16 12:38:46

Top Ten Dave Matthews Band Songs

Posted by Shark 2005-09-1601:04:35

The Automatic Bid

I don't care that Roberts is a conservative. Go ahead. Overrule Roe - I dare you! You'll just make all the extreme red states look ridiculous. Just like Swartzenegger, who is bound for an all-time, Grey Davis shattering low approval rating after vetoing the equality of marriage act (two-timing Austrian Nazi). Maybe Roberts'll even help end the anacronistic affirmative action - er, divisity considering sytem (it should be unconstitutional to force applicants to public universities to state their race - this is not a political blog). Regardless, the Puma is a funny guy. Unstable, but funny. He was gloating about Roberts / "the mandate" (he's a conservative, but only because he reacts against his liberal friends, see also the plaque in his room with a silly religious prayer on it that he only owns because the rest of his friends are rabid to complacent atheists and he feels like he's maintaining the conservative world order by instilling grassroots support for the religious right - this is not a blog that is concerned with polemics). And I said, "I don't care if Roberts is a conservative. Go ahead. Overrule Roe - I dare you!" And he said, "Do you think that we care about Roe, Shark. We have our eyes on bigger goals." "Like what," I returned. "Brown v. Board of Education," he replied slyly. And I said, "Whatever" because I was drunk and the Puma didn't really mean it. I think.

Posted by Shark 9/14/05 4:07pm

The Jo-tel Needs Your Help!

Does anyone know a good dryer-repair outfit? Our dryer is broken. Now it's more like a doesn't-dry-shit-er. Give us a call or email us at the email address that we check while drinking red wine alone and watching old tapes of Sex and the City, crying: thejotel@gmail.com

Posted by Hip E. 2005-09-14 11:47:34

Duke, we hardly knew ye... because ether disorts things

Posted by PETE 2005-09-08 18:27:20

Rubber Bracelets Are Dead

It's official, yesterday we were in the teen girls section of Nordstrom (don't ask) and they are selling a rubber Live Strong-style bracelet that says "cute" or "faith" or "remember" or some such garbage. It costs four dollars ($4 USD) and doesn't benefit any cause. I have never liked those bracelets. I'm sure they have raised some good money for some good causes, but they quickly became the x-treme Oakley sunglasses of the 2000s for the 'x-treme' and/or 'healthy, active' set. They make me want to smoke a cigarette. Man, I'm so cool.

Next to the teen girls' section at Nordstrom is the slightly younger kids' section. They had an awesome t-shirt there that we should definitely get for Jamie Lynn Spears that says "My Sister DID IT"

On the same rack they had one that I wanted to get for PETE: "Whatever it is, I didn't do it!"

Posted by Hip E. 2005-09-08 08:44:37

Hip E.'s Hot Links

All the Neutral Milk Hotel bootlegs you can handle
Some of the The Mountain Goats bootlegs you can shake a stick at
Man cannot convince strangers that he exists, but can convince them that he's a celebrity
Excellent point: Here's What Gets Her about Bush's response to Hurricane Katrina (hat tip PETE)
No, you cannot call it "Slurricane"
The religion angle. Actually I didn't really understand what this guy was trying to say. I was tired.
and finally the place where I find stuff when I'm bored, Blogdex

Posted by Hip E. 2005-09-08 08:28:47

People with Hammers

Last night I watched the Late Show for the first time in a while. It was not by choice and no, it was not a rerun from 1995. But I must admit I'm glad I did because I got to witness an absolutely amazing utterance. Dave's first guest was Shepard Smith, the correspondent who's been covering Katrina for Fox News. Now, he said a lot of important stuff about how none of the total fuckjob on the Gulf Coast was the fault of President Bush or Michael Brown, the head of FEMA who had no experience with crisis management, and who's previous gig was watching horses do it, where the largest problem he faced as a leader was the horses refusing to do it. That's fine I guess. Smith does work for Fox News after all. But he also said this, which I think is pretty hilarious:

Dave just let this slide. So, because Dave isn't funny anymore I'm just going to continue this dialogue as it went down in my mind:

Posted by PETE 2005-09-06 20:24:48

Miracle on Peniston Street

Three Duke University sophomores drove down to New Orleans to help out with the relief efforts. They faked press credentials to get into the city. At the Convention Center, they were appalled at what they saw: "Anyone who knows that area, if you had a bus, it would take you no more than 20 minutes to drive in with a bus and get these people out," Buder said. "[The peopleat the convention center] sat there for four or five days with no food, no water, babies getting raped in the bathrooms, there were murders, nobody was doing anything for these people. And we just drove right in, really disgraceful. I don't want to get too fired up with the rhetoric, but some blame needs to be placed somewhere." If there were really babies getting raped in the bathrooms, then that is horrible. Otherwise, I would hate to hear what this guy sounds like when he really gets fired up with the rhetoric.

Also, they performed a rescue of seven people from a house at the corner of Magazine and Peniston streets.

Posted by Hip E. 2005-09-06 19:51:32

Dear Shark,

Thank you for putting an Entenmann's Extreme Pop 'Em in my underwear drawer so as to give the appearance that I had taken a delicious, frosty chocolate poo in my Brooks Brothers boxer briefs and then, instead of washing them, had redeposited them in said drawer to wear another day.

It was way funnier than the time you put a wine bottle full of urine on top of my dresser with a flower sticking out of it.

Posted by PETE 2005-09-06 18:27:53

DEA is So Lame

Posted by Hip E. 2005-09-06 00:16:54

Hip Descends Into Inappropriate Dinner Conversation

This post at Talking Points Memo is deliciously inflammitory. The gist: On the FEMA page listing charities to give to, Pat Robertson's charity Operation Blessing is listed out of alphabetical order at the top of the page, for no discernable reason other than that the man thumps a bible like few other living Americans. Also "Robertson has repeatedly been criticized for commingling his overseas charitable operations -- specifically, Operation Blessing -- with his personal for-profit ventures into precious metals and diamond extraction, particularly with some of your better-known human rights pariahs and genocidal dictators. Zaire's Mobutu with blood diamonds, Liberia's Charles Taylor with gold mines." And in addition, of the eighteen (18) charitable organizations listed on the FEMA page, none of them are not "faith-based."

And here's a link to some guy's blog where he says all this stuff so I don't have to: The Suburban Ecstasies

Posted by Hip E. 9/2/2005 1:23pm

The David Berman Post

There's this guy David Berman. I found out about him when Linda asked her brother Hot Karl for some good CDs to buy and he told her Silver Jews "American Water". She then gave it to me for Christmas or my birthday. It's a great album, one of those albums that it takes a year to start liking like the first time you hear Phish or Modest Mouse (before 'Float On', yuppie scum). Berman is the man behind Silver Jews and the rest of the personnel just kind of rotate. Then Linda also got me David Berman's first book of poetrizm, "Actual Air". It has a great looking cover piece. Now I don't know much about poetry, other than what I like, and I really love this collection. I also like "Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening" and "The Raven". Anyway, a lot of David Berman stuff has just happened

to me so here is your clearinghouse for Berman stuff that has happened to me recently:

Hot Karl has a bang-up review of the new Silver Jews album "Tanglewood Numbers".
Scroll down to TANGLEWOOD NUMBERS HERE IS WHAT I BELIEVE ABOUT YOU.

As alluded to by Linda in the comments to such, Pitchfork did a great interview with the Brr-man that includes this gem:

Posted by Hip E. 9/2/2005 11:17am

Here's the Deal The Future Is Is Is Is Is Is Is Is

with the Iodine

What if bears attacked the world?
Would you use the same tactics against them as you might
          use against - say - zombies?
And if these "rattle snakes" do attack, would you listen to
          their children's song before engaging them?
Will you avoid the living dead if you elope in Las Vegas?
And if you do kill bears while you are there, what color will
          your lament be?
Green?

Posted by Shark 9/1/05 8:01pm

The Situation in New Orleans

You heard it here first: The situation in New Orleans is terrible. I thought it was kind of bad but then I watched some of the video on CNN.com about the people stranded at the convention center. There's like 20,000 people sitting there with no food or water. Babies, children, pregnant chicks, old people, etc. No police, no authority of any kind, no information. Hella dead people with blankets on them. And these people have been there since Monday. That's ridiculous. How fucking hard is it for the National Guard to drive their trucks in there filled with water and drive them out filled with people? FOUR DAYS?? I mean there's a war going on right now, haven't the Guardsmen been practicing this type of shit? What the fuck. But I probably wasn't going to blog about this because you don't come here for breaking news. But then I saw this photo on a story about looting:

Fair enough, I guess. As far as I can tell, taking food and water to feed yourself and your family in an emergency like this is fine. Stealing Starter jackets, booze, guns, ammo, and major appliances is disgusting. Anyway, I like how the looter-shooter tried to brighten up his otherwise morbid sign. The O's in "LOOTERS" become the guilt-ridden eyes of the looters themselves, while the "O" in "SHOT" contains a car window sticker depicting a stylized 1990's Jerry Garcia. What does that even MEAN? Keep on truckin'.

Instapundit has links to tons of different charities who can get your money to where it's needed. We all have free will, but I would controversially encourage people to donate through the more reality-based charitable organizations if there's a choice, all else being equal.

Posted by Hip E. 9/1/2005 3:55pm

On How the River Casts Waves of Curved Light Across My Shadow Bent Patiently Over a Rock Along Its Banks

Here lie the bones of a somewhat long and, I thought, good post about the Kings Canyon backpacking trip destroyed by the cold hands of the Editme software. So it goes.

Posted by Shark 9/1/05 11:100am

Comments:

I just know some asshole is going to do the math in my another conversation post next month about how 14 x 365 x 10000 doesn't even come close to equalling "billions". That person is a douche.

Hip E, you added F for Fake to your queue because I added it while you were in the bathroom.

Correction to the Sufjan Stevens post: the song is called "Cashmir Pulanski Day". Cashmir Polanski day is a celebration of consensual sex with minors. You only get this day off if you directed Chinatown.

94'....94'....Dude, she was attractive and the first words out of your mouh were not, "Hey There, I'm really good friends with Bob Giles!" PETE I am dissapointed, You have to remember that the younger of the Giles men had an older brother who can have any woman he wants and that power rubs off on all that know, him when you use his name.

Cupcake Club, I've got PETE tied up in my room (joke's here would be too obvious). Send me $20 via paypal and you'll get your precious PETE back. Don't make me send you his ear!

The Health and Safety Code ... funnier than Hip E.

I'm drunk enough right now to eat you, Gabe.

Hey Triceratops, you're such an idiot. Don't you know that you're an herbivore? Therefore, someone like Ted wouldn't be appetizing to you in the slightest. I'm calling your bluff, Tri--you won't eat Ted.

The Puma better choose his new roommates carefully: "Animals that are natural enemies, temperamentally unsuited, or otherwise incompatible, shall not be quartered together or so near each other as to cause injury, fear, or torment." Cal. Health & Safety Code Section 121918(h)

The Shark Blog does indeed rule. But we at Cupcake Club look forward to seeing you again, PETE. Whenever you're ready.

Yuppies like to move around at their own concerts (e.g. Matchbox 20), but react differently at indie shows. A yuppie at an indie concert is worse than a jaded indie kid. Yuppies don't even absorb the music. All they care about is "getting close to the stage" or "getting their next beer" or "getting pissed that some dude stepped on their new bowler shoes".

Shak, if indie concertgoers just stand and don't move with much enthusiasm, how can you distinguish all the boring yuppies ruining the show?

racial puppetry in right-wing comics. A MUST-READ!

http://ilx.wh3rd.net/thread.php?msgid=6261120#unread

Not not relevant to the Jo-Tel and La Lohan: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40998

Apology accepted, Shark.

Magda, I agree with you that the cost of college is a bummer - as I am the proud owner of my college costs - but honestly that isn't much money in relation to the 30% difference in wages. For example: someone earning $39k will pay off his/her loans a lot faster than someone earning $30k. It sounds silly, but it's true. And those who go to college are more likely to end up in career-path jobs, which translates into upward mobility in the workplace (or, more likely, in their industry), rather than being stuck in the same menial position (say, store manager, where there ISN'T anywhere to go up) for 10, 15, or 20 years getting 2% raises every year while the college grad is getting 6% raises or better.

-Thrill

I remember when Grossman lost his virginity to the COB. I also remember when Shark fucked the girl with two asses. Man was she huge. Then she made him walk her home, holding her hand. It was like watching a rabbit and a pig walk down the street together.

yer going down, karl!

Sweet C.O.B. Remember when Scote got her to snort garlic. I hate Scote.

shArk, can we make C.O.B. the honorary 11th craziest bitch of all time??? Any you slept with that chick.....wow.

I am convinced that Dave Mathews made a deal with the devil and that is why he is popular. Now I am not saying that they are not good musicians but rather, they don’t do anything for me. Turd and many others have said “Just give it a chance”. I can say that a year of working in a Pub where 95% of the crew would let Dave himself crap on them in exchange for a hand shake: I never started to like DMB no matter which album/cd was playing. That shit was on everyday and I could almost always tell it was DMB by how annoyed I was by the music. I will admit that I punched myself in the face for liking the song “crash”. So, to me they are a one hit wonder.

the dave matthews band are totally cool you guys are jerks for making fun of hip e. for liking the dave matthews band ok just leave him alone they are so good

What top 10 list is next? Top 10 ways to not post anything new for days and days?

I know. This is getting rigoddamndiculous. But what can I say? I'm busy as hell, scatterbrained, and it only occurs to me to post when I'm at work and can't post. But I have Friday off this week, thank god/Batman, so I'm going to spend part of that writing posts.

Seriously, though: I haven't posted a real post in a month - lame.

Will, you should post something on your blog. Johnny D is almost catching you.

shArk, 'The Bell Jar' is good; you should read it. Also good: not 'Atlas Shrugged'.

To shark........I'd like to see a top ten of crazy men

HAHAHAHAH....gay buckle shoes. i bet he looked like a pilgram waiting for an ass reaming

Man, those buckle shoes of Hip E's are really gay.

Today I noticed that my roommate Paul, who coincidentally reminds me a lot of shArk, had a copy of Proust's "Swann's Way" on his bookshelf. Does anyone remember if shArk did a literary exercise or something similar that involved the use of Swann's Way as a way of making fun of Dave Swanger for going completely crazy. If so, can anyone tell me if it was funny.

Ah, the Emmys. I can't wait to see who wins in the oxymoronic "Oustanding Reality Competition Show"category.

The grass is greener on the other side.

I rarely say anything positive, but I LOVED that DMB post, Shark. I'm still chuckling.

The other day Matt was in Colorado and as he two-stepped off the elevator he ran smack into Dave Matthews himself. And you know what he said? "Fuck Shark"

Two Step is a great song. There are a good 10-15 other great Dave Matthews Band songs. That's just the way it is. The Stone is also very good.

Nice try at posting as me, Hip E. Unfortunately your IP address sticks out like a sore, unemployed thumb.

courtesy of annie: http://www.worldbeardchampionships.com/Gallery/gallery.html

Too late Magda. You already went to college. You're fucked now just like the rest of us. Except you have a job and I don't.

Sort of.

I do know more people without non 9-5 jobs than with them.

And I want to be one of those people.

Yes PETE, but our Doesn't-Dry-Shit-er is working perfectly!

Money can be exchanged for goods and services. It may sound silly, but it's true.

Magda's not talking about store managers. She's talking about models, party promoters, band managers, and men of indetermine business employment.

When did the weather pixie get a poodle?

H. Ross Perot is an alumnus of the US Naval Academy, Class of 1953. Ayn Rand studied at the University of Leningrad from 1921 to 1924. Even Bill Gates finished his college degree at the University of Washington after famously dropping out of Harvard.

Translation of Hip E's comment: "Going to college is for conservatives and people who wear expensive jackets."

PS - Reid rails girls? I thought he was gay.

"drinking red wine alone and watching old tapes of Sex and the City, crying"

I think you and I would get along *just fine.*

If I hadn't gone to a good college, I would never have gotten the job I got that allowed me to live in San Francisco and have a great time and purchase this North Face Red Point Primaloft One insulated jacket that combines light weight, wind- and water-resistance and extreme warmth with a sleek modern look that's at home on the slopes OR in the boardroom. Some people like Ross Perot and Ayn Rand have that entrepreneurial spirit and are going to make money no matter what. Other people need to go through the usual channels, and college is that channel. And, if one can't think of anything else to do at some point, probably grad school too. Those student loans have such good rates!

But going to college shouldn't have purely financial reasons. If done right, it teaches people how to think and argue and be engaged enlightened citizens.

Minus the $60,000 to $120,000 they spent on tuition, etc.

Don't mind me, I've been feeling very anti-college lately.

Gabe, to mail your shoes I need your address.

Well, he could play GTA- SA without a degree, but he needs the degree to choose the best shipping rate for UPS to ship his single pair of underwear.

Also: college graduates earn an average of 30% more than non-graduates (no jokes about me, please - thanks.), so college is extremely worth it.

Hetfield?! Are you kidding me, Shark has clearly taken my comment about MASH (the movie) to heart and gone for the vintage Eliot Gould look. And absolutely nailed it!

Yeah... it's really hard to sit around playing GTA San Andreas without a degree from a top tier institution.

College v. Not is kind of a silly debate. It depends entirely on what you want to do. If you want to be an entrepreneur or professional althlete, no college is necessary. If you want to be an engineer or a lazy hippie, though, you really need a college degree.

"College educated peers and I" works too; as in "they make more than my college educated peers and I make"

Is it just me or does shArk look like vintage James Hetfield in that photo?

RB, I totally understand where you're coming from. I mean it's one thing to SAY you support breasts...

... college educated peers and me

For the past few weeks a boyfriend that will remain anonymous has been wearing one of those pink plastic bracelets (the money went to breast cancer research) and telling anyone who gets within ten feet of him that he "supports breasts." I'm so lucky.

Report on the odds that Kayne West will say something stupid on tv tonight:

http://www.oddjack.com/gambling/celebrity-betting/index.php#but-does-the-nfl-care-about-black-people-124447

Statistics still show college grads career earnings dwarf those of high school graduates by a huge margin. So I don't buy into the "padding their resumes while we're in school" stuff. Obviously there are some that do and will be more successful than college grads, but the vast majority, not likely.

Many of my professors mentioned Magda's exact comment but they pointed out in the long run we "college" kids will eventually have more pull when it comes to moving up the corporate ladder, whilst the high school folk eventually hit a ceiling of sorts. HOWEVER...I'm 24 (for 20 more days anyway) and my education has moved me up very few ladders... then again I haven't really been trying!

MAN I HOPE THIS DOESN'T POST THREE TIMES!!!!!!!!

From my limited and biased personal experience, I know quite a few high school graduates that make more than my college-educated peers and I, mainly because they were out building their resumes while we were eating pizza and writing philosophy papers that were 90% made up.

Shorter Shark review: I started paying attention to hip hop some time last year when I heard about it on pitchfork. Despite the fact that I couldn't pick the members of Run DMC out of a line-up, I feel that I am more than qualified to make grand sweeping statements about its history and its place in the popular music repetoire. The one glaring omission in my vast store of musical knowledge are those musical genres largely developed and sustain by black people. Jazz, Funk, Hip Hop, Blues, etc. I do enjoy the occasional basketball game, however, and once I talked to a black guy when he asked me for money outside of my law school. Kanye West should stop rapping about weed, Jesus, and any other subject that is a part of his every-day life and start rapping about nonsense like the two rappers I've ever taken the time to listen to seriously. At least that's what IIIII think.

Also, as an aside, it seems that Kanye's much derided opinions on higher education are at least somewhat valid, as an article in the newest issue of business week reports that the income gap between those with just a high school education and those with a college degree has shrunk for the fourth consecutive year. Food for thought.

quoting shArk: "there hasn't been a solid rap album all year." Common's new album "Be" is definitely a solid rap album. First of all, you have Kanye West at his strength--mainly, producing hip hop albums. Then you have Common who's as lyrical of an MC you'll ever find not to mention and distinct and wicked flow. And the Chicago sound that they got going on just works. Refreshing really. Will it top charts the likes of rap from another era, probably not, but true rap/hip hop fans know good music within the genre when they hear it.

While reading the news this morning I read this.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2005/09/06/national/w083222D53.DTL

This disgusts me, Who want's to place bets on how long till he figures out it is his fault?

I'm in for $50 for April 1st of 2008, but it will just be an april fools joke.

Linda, PETE was trying to avoid the awkwardly truthful "gonorrhea" by using its time-honored euphemism, "jar of sand". Certainly you can't fault a man for trying to save you the embarrassment of truth.

And it was our first Christmas together, you forgetful fuck.

Linda, you wish it was a euphemism.

"Gave her a jar of sand." Intersting euphemism, PETE.

Linda didn't "ask" Hot Karl for good cd's, Linda already happened to know of the Silver Jews (albeit from Hot Karl) and purchased the album of her own initiative.

Just because she didn't like it when you read her excerpts from Blood Meridian and then gave her a jar of sand..

Hey Puma, you must be having a similar problem with your Blogger software because you haven't posted since that terrible Jason Giambi post revealed that you actually like when the taint-licking Yankees do well. Yes, software complications must be the answer because the Puma that I know would never endure such a creative dry spell.

Don't feel bad Shark, your post probably wasn't that good anyway.

i thought a group of intellectuals like the Jo-Tel would appreciate the Deep Thoughts of Jack Handy: "Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."

THE JO-TEL ... welcomes What's His Name, our new roommate

I'm Organizing a Happy Hour

Posted by Triceratops with a Saddle 2005-09-30 13:48:17

Sufjan Stevens Pens Awesome Album that I Never Want To Listen To

Posted by Shark 2005-09-29 22:36:54

On Why Indie Kids Don't Mosh or Even Move Around that Much at Concerts

Posted by Shark 2005-09-29 22:10:58

Fucks

Posted by Hip E. 2005-09-29 01:14:16

Dear Puma

Love, Shark 2005-09-27 10:17:51

SHARK BLOG RULLLLLLLLLEEEEeeeeessssss.....

Posted by PETE 2005-09-24 22:04:44

The Shark Blog

Posted by Shark 2005-09-24 18:58:18 (WHY CAN'T PUT THIS SHIT IN HEADING 5??!! EDITME!!!!!!!)

Castrate Scalpers

Posted by Shark 2005-09-22 21:17:27

Top Ten Craziest Bitches Of All Time

Posted by Shark 2005-09-18 16:40:24

Silly Typo Incident Retold Using Hip E Storytelling Techniques

Oedipus then saved Thebes by answering the riddle of the Sphinx and was rewarded with the now-vacant throne of Thebes and the widowed queen's hand in marriage, with whom he raped.

Oedipus then saved Thebes by answering the riddle of the Sphinx and was rewarded with the now-vacant throne of Thebes and the widowed queen's hand in marriage, with whom he raped.

Posted by Shark 2005-09-18 16:40:24

Haiku

Posted by Hip E. 2005-09-16 12:38:46

Top Ten Dave Matthews Band Songs

Posted by Shark 2005-09-1601:04:35

The Automatic Bid

Posted by Shark 9/14/05 4:07pm

The Jo-tel Needs Your Help!

Posted by Hip E. 2005-09-14 11:47:34

Duke, we hardly knew ye... because ether disorts things

Posted by PETE 2005-09-08 18:27:20

Rubber Bracelets Are Dead

Posted by Hip E. 2005-09-08 08:44:37

Hip E.'s Hot Links

Posted by Hip E. 2005-09-08 08:28:47

People with Hammers

Posted by PETE 2005-09-06 20:24:48

Miracle on Peniston Street

Posted by Hip E. 2005-09-06 19:51:32

Dear Shark,

Posted by PETE 2005-09-06 18:27:53

DEA is So Lame

Posted by Hip E. 2005-09-06 00:16:54

Hip Descends Into Inappropriate Dinner Conversation

Posted by Hip E. 9/2/2005 1:23pm

The David Berman Post

Posted by Hip E. 9/2/2005 11:17am

Here's the Deal with the Iodine

Posted by Shark 9/1/05 8:01pm

The Situation in New Orleans

Posted by Hip E. 9/1/2005 3:55pm

On How the River Casts Waves of Curved Light Across My Shadow Bent Patiently Over a Rock Along Its Banks

Posted by Shark 9/1/05 11:100am

Comments:

Here's the Deal
with the Iodine